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Mountain House

They are new to the group, start reading the thread, come across something that relates, and comment without checking the date. I have a few t-shirts. ☺️

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Windmills of My Mind
On 3/2/2023 at 2:24 PM, Mountain House said:

I have a few t-shirts. ☺️

😄

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On 3/2/2023 at 8:24 AM, Mountain House said:

They are new to the group, start reading the thread, come across something that relates, and comment without checking the date. I have a few t-shirts. ☺️

Or they accidentally hit the double arrow on mobile rather than prev and end up on the first page without realizing it.  I have that t-shirt,

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I am new to the site, but can absolutely relate to MKT and am so glad that you shared your journey--I am sitting here with tears in my eyes because I was reading my story through another person's words.  When you posted that you believe that just as us "sexuals" must compromise and be understanding, I am in the uncomfortable position of realizing my asexual partner just doesn't see the need to address the issue, figure out what each of us can do to make sure both of our needs are met, and even gets angry when I try to communicate.  What he has shared with me is that once we are intimate, he actually enjoys it, so I have some comfort of knowing that I'm not forcing him to do something that is making his skin crawl.  But in the same breath, he tells me he can go the rest of his life without it.  So I'm over here feeling frustrated, and a little "taken for granted" that for this relationship to work, I have to give up a very important part of me.  I had childhood trauma involving sexual abuse, and it wasn't until my 30's that I realized that I can address it, let got of the guilt and know that it doesn't define me.  I also dove into the wellness industry and realized many things about my body and became much more free to express my sexuality--and it felt great!  I can't believe it took me so long to get there, but now at 53 I like feeling my full existence as a woman, and sexual intimacy is part of that expression of myself.  Thank you to this site--I feel it is a lifeline, and I will keep learning from it.  And I will encourage my asexual partner to join, and find the information that may help him to be more open-minded so we can continue our journey as best friends who love each other very much.  

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Hi, i wasnt quite sure if I should reach out and ask for just maybe some insight or im not sure but let me just explain my situation. 
My girlfriend came out to me as being apart of the ace-spectrum, didnt wanna say specific which one cause she feels more comfortable saying spectrum 100% understand. 
I understand and highly respect ace and literally any form of ace-spectrum like especially if its her. Im Bi and she/her/they. 
But my “issue” or fears, is well for one we are long distance we’ve never meant in person (yet) and Im scared. Im scared that how I use to talk or express my love will make her feel icky, or uncomfortable, that how I think about her isnt how she thinks about me. And making this clearer this is coming from an huge non-sexual way but intimate. 
Like if I said I wanted to kiss her(if i could) , she would lie and said she wanted to really that makes her feel icky or uncomfortable. Even thought she says i dont need to change anything or do anything different, I still cant help but feel like I have to be careful with how a talk, cause I still want to be her comfort and her space. 

But me and her are self-shippers, meaning we like to make art of our favorite fandom crushes. 
She said “when she thinks of being intimate with those character it feels normal, but to think of those scenarios in person with someone, made her feel icky.” Does that mean she referring to me? That kissing me or being intimate with me made her uncomfortable, or just in general to hearing about it from other people? 

She is an affectionate person, as am I but I cant help but get this thought of my head that im the disgusting person in this relationship because I may crave more intimate moments with her, one day. 

On top of the fact that when she did tell me today, mind you I knew for some time that she was probably ace, that all i can do was feel this sinking feeling in my chest, like how I express my love was going make her feel uncomfortable around me or just listening to me gush about loving her made her feel icky. 

I understand the term ace/ ace-spetrum but there is alot I don’t understand and im confused about , Im just scared at mostly, like Im only a glorified friend, even though we are a couple, I want to understand and support her more than anything but not feel this guilt in my chest that im doing something wrong. 

Hearing all this can anyone give me a little bit of reassurance or advice? 

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7 hours ago, CowGoGoMoo said:

She said “when she thinks of being intimate with those character it feels normal, but to think of those scenarios in person with someone, made her feel icky.” Does that mean she referring to me? That kissing me or being intimate with me made her uncomfortable, or just in general to hearing about it from other people? 

I would take it to mean she has no desire to actually engage in those activities with someone, and I'd imagine she means with you as well unless explicitly stated otherwise.

 

I think you two should have some honest and thorough conversations about what you both want and expect in a relationship before you spend time together in person. She's the only one who can really answer the questions you have.

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We can't answer, only she can. What her limits are, what she would like, what she doesn't want to do... Every ace person is different.
She has to tell you that, she has to be specific. You can't guess for her.

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Olallieberry
16 hours ago, CowGoGoMoo said:

Hi, i wasnt quite sure if I should reach out and ask for just maybe some insight or im not sure but let me just explain my situation. 
My girlfriend came out to me as being apart of the ace-spectrum, didnt wanna say specific which one cause she feels more comfortable saying spectrum 100% understand. 
I understand and highly respect ace and literally any form of ace-spectrum like especially if its her. Im Bi and she/her/they. 
But my “issue” or fears, is well for one we are long distance we’ve never meant in person (yet) and Im scared. Im scared that how I use to talk or express my love will make her feel icky, or uncomfortable, that how I think about her isnt how she thinks about me. And making this clearer this is coming from an huge non-sexual way but intimate. 
Like if I said I wanted to kiss her(if i could) , she would lie and said she wanted to really that makes her feel icky or uncomfortable. Even thought she says i dont need to change anything or do anything different, I still cant help but feel like I have to be careful with how a talk, cause I still want to be her comfort and her space. 

But me and her are self-shippers, meaning we like to make art of our favorite fandom crushes. 
She said “when she thinks of being intimate with those character it feels normal, but to think of those scenarios in person with someone, made her feel icky.” Does that mean she referring to me? That kissing me or being intimate with me made her uncomfortable, or just in general to hearing about it from other people? 

She is an affectionate person, as am I but I cant help but get this thought of my head that im the disgusting person in this relationship because I may crave more intimate moments with her, one day. 

On top of the fact that when she did tell me today, mind you I knew for some time that she was probably ace, that all i can do was feel this sinking feeling in my chest, like how I express my love was going make her feel uncomfortable around me or just listening to me gush about loving her made her feel icky. 

I understand the term ace/ ace-spetrum but there is alot I don’t understand and im confused about , Im just scared at mostly, like Im only a glorified friend, even though we are a couple, I want to understand and support her more than anything but not feel this guilt in my chest that im doing something wrong. 

Hearing all this can anyone give me a little bit of reassurance or advice? 

Hey, welcome, it’s understandable you would have these questions.

 

It’s completely reasonable to just come out and ask your partner them. Will it be weird and awkward? Possibly, but almost certainly not as weird and awkward as never speaking up and then meeting face to face and still having these questions and not knowing what to do.

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I'm so incredible thankful to find this forum.

 

I have a wonderful marriage in just about every respect. I love my wife very much and she's my best friend. However, we have very little to no sex and I've long struggled with understanding what happened.

 

I had a higher than average libido when we first met. She seemed to mainly follow my lead, with some occasional initiation of her own. But there were some signs early on that she just wasn't into sex as much, not just with me, but with anyone. I took that as just the general difference between men and women, and sought to up my own efforts to satisfy her more than her past sexual relationships. But over time, I realized the divide was much higher than I ever could imagine.

 

I'd go long stretches of time just waiting until she would "catch up" in her desire to have sex with me. That she'd eventually miss it and initiate something herself. But it never happened. She's more than content in simply never doing it. She's okay with scheduling sex and sees this as something I should be reasonably be satisfied with. But I realize this is much more of a going-through-the-motions thing for her. And I just don't want that for her, or me.

 

I learned of the term "asexual" only recently and everything just started to click. It's why I don't really resent her for this as I just don't feel like she can empathize where I'm coming from.

 

I've more recently discussed seeing if there were a way I could have sex with someone outside the marriage, but in some more detached, no-strings-attached way. Like having a buddy who enjoys a similar activity but isn't in your every day. I don't pretend to know how that would work or even if it would. I just know I think about it more lately. Her concern, understandably, is that even if she trusts I could keep it detached and mainly physical, it doesn't mean the partner would.

 

Again, I really, really love my wife and am very happy in our life together save this difficulty. And for a while I thought I was adapting to all this given my libido has dropped a little more as I've entered middle age. But the truth is that it still very much lingers with me and it's hard to accept my sex life could effectively be over.

 

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Mountain House
4 hours ago, SpMd said:

I'm so incredible thankful to find this forum

Welcome @SpMd, I see you made the jump. 😉

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
DamnOleHippie
On 3/10/2023 at 10:12 AM, NaNae70 said:

 What he has shared with me is that once we are intimate, he actually enjoys it, so I have some comfort of knowing that I'm not forcing him to do something that is making his skin crawl.  But in the same breath, he tells me he can go the rest of his life without it.  So I'm over here feeling frustrated, and a little "taken for granted" that for this relationship to work, I have to give up a very important part of me.  I had childhood trauma involving sexual abuse, and it wasn't until my 30's that I realized that I can address it, let got of the guilt and know that it doesn't define me

This was like reading something plucked from my own head lmfao. My fiancee will often say she “ just forgets it’s an option” when we talk about sex , and that the wind has to be blowing just right for her to want it but north , south, east, and west don’t seem to be the right directions 😂Sex started very early in my life and even though that isnt ideal it’s become pretty vital to how I operate and see the world you know? We had a lot of conversations about how a lot of my exes treated me like a sex doll and now all of a sudden I’m being rejected over and over and over again. Im not necessarily angry at her but it does a lot of damage to the heart . 

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1 hour ago, DamnOleHippie said:

This was like reading something plucked from my own head lmfao. My fiancee will often say she “ just forgets it’s an option” when we talk about sex , and that the wind has to be blowing just right for her to want it but north , south, east, and west don’t seem to be the right directions 😂Sex started very early in my life and even though that isnt ideal it’s become pretty vital to how I operate and see the world you know? We had a lot of conversations about how a lot of my exes treated me like a sex doll and now all of a sudden I’m being rejected over and over and over again. Im not necessarily angry at her but it does a lot of damage to the heart . 

And that's your fiancee? (Not a judgement, just a genuine question)

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DamnOleHippie
29 minutes ago, Liara said:

And that's your fiancee? (Not a judgement, just a genuine question)

You’re fine ! Yes, my fiancee is ace . 

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Olallieberry
7 hours ago, DamnOleHippie said:

it does a lot of damage to the heart . 

And you're willing to marry, given this?

 

How will your heart be in 10, 20, 30 years?

 

I'm not trying to talk you out of it, but have you looked at this in that way?

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DamnOleHippie
7 hours ago, Ollie415 said:

And you're willing to marry, given this?

 

How will your heart be in 10, 20, 30 years?

 

I'm not trying to talk you out of it, but have you looked at this in that way?

Our wedding is a year out , and I’d be lying if I said it wasn't something that wasn’t on my mind a lot . We did have a breaking point where it all came out that all the rejection was affecting me , mostly because she’s not sex repulsed but more neutral, and would go through these moods where we would have sex for weeks straight and then all of a sudden it would just stop out of nowhere and I would experience this horrendous sub drop. It came out during all of this too how guilty and broken she felt , and that she felt like she wasnt fulfilling my needs and constantly worried I was going to leave her because she wasn’t interested in sex. 
 

I sort of feel like I lucked out because she was willing to have conversations and do research to further understand herself , we’ve able to go to therapy and couple’s counseling in the past and even though we haven’t been able to be consistent with it because that shit’s expensive she applies the stuff we learned there . We work on our communication , I do feel loved , she does check in when she’s worried she’s not providing sexually . 
 

When I read through forums on here , granted I haven’t had a chance to go as deep as I’d like to, a lot of people seem completely neglected in more ways than just sex . People sound like they feel stuck, Ace people sound like they were putting on a show and then just stopped when they figured themselves out - I dont feel that way , even though the sexual rejection is hard you know? I went from being in a mindset where my only worth in romantic relationships came from what I could provide sexually to having to kind of reevaluate my entire understanding of what a relationship could look like and what a good and healthy relationship looks like , and shits hard . But I never felt like she was putting on an act , or like either of us were being disingenuous with eachother , or like I signed up for one thing and got something completely different. We were friends for a long time before we dated , and it was always a big joke that she was shy about sex . We would get drunk and she would tell me she didnt get the obsession people had with sex , and I just assumed it was her being inexperienced. She told me once that she knew I was the one because she kissed me and it was the first time she kissed someone and didnt feel like it was dumb or a waste of time or she could be doing something else , she was happy to be there . Like the signs were always there we just didnt have the vocabulary for what it was.
 

At the end of the day though Im still absolutely ready to marry her . In 10 20 30 years I worry that she’ll still feel broken and have anxiety that today will be the day I leave her because we dont fuck like rabbits like I’d like to lol but I don’t worry that the other aspects of out relationship will be harmed . 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 1/25/2005 at 2:32 AM, Guest new guy35 said:

I am very sexual and my wife is asexual (opposites attract).

I thought for a time, I was not being loving enough to get her 'in the mood', I tried more romance, I tried more gifts, I tried being especially kind and giving to help her feel more secure in our relationship, I tried and tried because I didn't understand asexuality. I thought for a while that it was just because I was a guy and guys want sex all the time while women are different that way. I thought she was being pure and stubborn against my desire on purpose.

Due to all the times sexual pleasure has been denied to me by my sexy wife, I have felt rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so). It is so hard for me to be with her at times when I feel sex would be so natural only to have her ignore the whole topic. It actually hurts to be put in touch with my own sexuality so much when I am not receiving the physical contact from her I desire.

Before we got married, she acted sexual to please me. After we got married, her sex drive has gotten almost non-existent, so at times I feel tricked into marriage. I also feel sometimes that she is being asexual to punish me for something I did wrong. Now, I realize she and I are on opposite sides of the bell curve when it comes to sex drive and I am trying to deal with it by obstaining (just as she deals with my sexuality by having sex once in a while).

I also thought sex was central to a relationship and I am learning there are other factors that make our relationship intimate. I am trying to change my mind in my need for sexual contact as validation/ acknowledgement. It is difficult when most TV and movies depict a guy having sex as his reward for being a winner. No sex, feels like a punishment for being a loser at times. Our culture pushes sex a lot as the norm so not having any feels like I don't get to play like the others do.

It is so hard to find a person that matches what we want in a partner on every level . I searched for 2o years before finally setttling down. My wife has most things I need and a strong sexual attraction just isn't one of them. I feel secure when other guys come after her though. I do not always know what to do when the desire for sex hits me and doesn't hit her. She and I talk about so many other things but sex isn't one of them (oddly?) She claims she enjoys it and then doesn't want any. So what am I supposed to do?

Had she been more honest with me (and herself) about it or I had been less confident in my ability to make her 'want sex', we might not have gotten married. Perhaps, it is how love is for us. We love each other despite our major differences.

A sexy, asexual woman supports the saying, "what you see isn't always what you get."

I would say I have the same issue. I really really love my wife but this part of my relationship is a big zero. So I feel that I am not love enough and for me physical intimacy is a big part.

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MJEchildofolga
On 3/4/2005 at 4:59 AM, Rin said:

It also probably depends on how highly they prioritise sex. Someone can be a "sexual" as in if they were with someone who wanted sex, they would have absolutely no problem having it. But likewise if they were with someone who didn't want sex, they'd be fine with that too.... I know someone like that.

I am that person. I was wired to be a people pleaser, cursed. 🫥 I would be just fine not having sex but on the other hand for me sex is just the ACT of pleasure for the other person.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yeahhhhh not clicking that link. 😅 Ageplay ain't my thing, but that's not the main reason lol.

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Lol that was a reply to a now-hidden spam post...

 

At least it made SPFA more entertaining for a few hours while it was there. 😂

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Windmills of My Mind

That explains it. I was sure I had missed something. I was thinking along the lines of you replying in the wrong thread 😄

 

 

(though also too bad to hear it was entertaining)

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2 minutes ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

I was thinking along the lines of you replying in the wrong thread 😄

That's definitely been known to happen. 😂

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  • 3 months later...

I am in a mixed relationship. I think it helps we are in our 40s. I am the one who realised she was asexual. I kept it to myself as that is not something a partner can hear from a partner. She learned through therapy. She has done nothing but grow from that knowledge. But she has no idea what I need.  Or miss because it was never on her radar. If I ask you do you miss Schwartz smoked meat would you be able to honestly answer. 
 

This is the reality of a mixed relationship. I love my partner. And like all relationships I need to make a trade. 
 

 

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Windmills of My Mind

Your partner has no idea what you need. That sounds unhealthy to me. It is my personal opinion that partners should be able to share that information. If something in a relationship causes one partner (or both partners) to feel hurt or sad or whatever, then I find that relevant to both.

 

Do you miss mutual sexual attraction a lot? Does that cause you hurt you or make you sad? If so, why do you not tell her?

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1 hour ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

Do you miss mutual sexual attraction a lot? Does that cause you hurt you or make you sad? If so, why do you not tell her?

I know that seems hard to understand but personaly, I don't know why I shoud say my ace partner that I miss something she can't give me. Wha's the point? To make her feel guilty, not enough? She can't feel sexual atraction, for instance, even if I tell her, that will change absolutely nothing... And if I can't live without that, I can leave, or try to accept the lack.

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Windmills of My Mind

For me, if an aspect within my relationship hurts me then I want my partner to know. Not because I want them to feel guild, shame, failure or shortcoming. Just because it matters to me. It is up to the partner to deal with that situation, with my support.

 

Just like I would wish your partner would let you deal with your situation without actual change but with her support. I believe if that were the case, you might just feel a little less alone. Which I would wish so much for you. You deserve that support from your partner. Just like your partner deserves your support for their situation.

 

You ask what will it change. That is a question that can be interpreted in many different ways. Does it change what actually happens? No. It does help me to share feelings of hurt, pain or lack of something that I deeply long for. I know your situation and you have elaborated on it. I would think I understand (at least up to a point) what you are going through and how it makes you feel. Also why you make a deliberate choice to maintain that situation. No hard feelings, and you have my support. However, does it feel healthy and fulfilling? I think not. For that reason I would in general not recommend people to maintain that status quo. Again, with the reservation that you have your own reasons to do as you do. I hope you don't take this badly. I do feel for you.

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31 minutes ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

For me, if an aspect within my relationship hurts me then I want my partner to know. Not because I want them to feel guild, shame, failure or shortcoming. Just because it matters to me. It is up to the partner to deal with that situation, with my support.

 

Just like I would wish your partner would let you deal with your situation without actual change but with her support. I believe if that were the case, you might just feel a little less alone. Which I would wish so much for you. You deserve that support from your partner. Just like your partner deserves your support for their situation.

 

You ask what will it change. That is a question that can be interpreted in many different ways. Does it change what actually happens? No. It does help me to share feelings of hurt, pain or lack of something that I deeply long for. I know your situation and you have elaborated on it. I would think I understand (at least up to a point) what you are going through and how it makes you feel. Also why you make a deliberate choice to maintain that situation. No hard feelings, and you have my support. However, does it feel healthy and fulfilling? I think not. For that reason I would in general not recommend people to maintain that status quo. Again, with the reservation that you have your own reasons to do as you do. I hope you don't take this badly. I do feel for you.

Oh, I get it, I agree :)
Just I can't make myself do that. That doesn't "click" on my head. My logic is "at least, there will be one person nearly satisfied in this relationship instead of two unhappy".

I absolutely don't advise other people to make the same choice (really, don't do it). I just decided that's it's too late and too complex for me to change something, and that I have to accept that and continue with it as long as I can (yeah, very healthy, I know). And I hope my acceptance will at least make me more peaceful if not fulfilled. After all, it's no a bad life. (And of course, I don't force my partner to stay with me, she is free to find a better partner, obviously.)

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Olallieberry
7 hours ago, Liara said:

I know that seems hard to understand but personaly, I don't know why I shoud say my ace partner that I miss something she can't give me. Wha's the point? To make her feel guilty, not enough? She can't feel sexual atraction, for instance, even if I tell her, that will change absolutely nothing... And if I can't live without that, I can leave, or try to accept the lack.

Forgive me for saying, but I’m your case, there are things

your own partner could “give you” which she’s not. Permission, for example, for

you to do certain things for your own self.

 

It’s not my life and it’s not my relationship but I wouldn’t find it a reasonable expectation to not be allowed to even have this bare minimum of agency.

 

Sorry if this is unwelcome. I know you didn’t ask, and we’re completely different people in completely different circumstances. Please be free to let me know if I’ve overstepped.

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21 minutes ago, Ollie415 said:

Forgive me for saying, but I’m your case, there are things

your own partner could “give you” which she’s not. Permission, for example, for

you to do certain things for your own self.

 

It’s not my life and it’s not my relationship but I wouldn’t find it a reasonable expectation to not be allowed to even have this bare minimum of agency.

 

Sorry if this is unwelcome. I know you didn’t ask, and we’re completely different people in completely different circumstances. Please be free to let me know if I’ve overstepped.

No overstepping, don't worry ☺️

And you are not wrong. I'm not sure I would be able to do that but I totally understand your point.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 7/28/2023 at 8:04 AM, Liara said:

Oh, I get it, I agree :)
Just I can't make myself do that. That doesn't "click" on my head. My logic is "at least, there will be one person nearly satisfied in this relationship instead of two unhappy".

I absolutely don't advise other people to make the same choice (really, don't do it). I just decided that's it's too late and too complex for me to change something, and that I have to accept that and continue with it as long as I can (yeah, very healthy, I know). And I hope my acceptance will at least make me more peaceful if not fulfilled. After all, it's no a bad life. (And of course, I don't force my partner to stay with me, she is free to find a better partner, obviously.)

I keep telling myself the same thing: At least one of us is happy.

I came to the forum years ago and it helped me understand so much. I learned that isn't because she doesn't love me or that I'm not attractive or a bad lover. It isn't because I did something wrong to turn her away from sex, it is just how she's always been. And then I left this forum because I was getting too depressed about the options for us.

At some point after that I tried to put myself into her shoes and think about what i could do to make things better. I stopped initiating sex because it only put unwelcome pressure on her. I had to let myself mourn the death of the passionate lover I'd kept in my imagination. That was really hard. I started staying up late at night and going to bed only after she was asleep.  We spend most of our evenings apart. She likes her solitary time. I thought it would be the end of our sex life. To my surprise, she started initiating sex, not often, but enough to let me know she still wants to have that part of our relationship. Nothing has really changed. There's still limited touch with no kissing or cuddling. But I'm not asking for more, and she is happier, feeling like she's giving me what I need and it is her choice.

One of us is happy now, and isn't that better? I'd only feel worse if she wasn't feeling better about herself.
 

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