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It's most definitely a "crushing" type of feeling, I can't even begin to describe the emptiness I feel most of the time.....part of this feeling intertwines with the depression and anxiety disorders that I have.....I love my wife dearly, but not being able to talk to her about my feelings, because that's a closed door....that hurts immensely, not being able to see her lovely body hurts, and that's another closed door.....and obviously there is little physical contact with the exception of an occasional smooch on the lips, an occasional hug, and hand holding.....we no longer sleep in the same room, in part due to my health, or at least that's the reason I give.....mainly, I had to get away from being treated as a stranger, and then being made to believe it's my fault.....I stay crazy...

Literally crazy.....there is no bandaid big enough to fix this type of mixed marriage....you will find folks in here that say it can be done, sure it can be done, we are doing it, but the cost of some "loves" is infinitely great......the pain is both emotional and physical....the only stopping point hasn't occurred yet, because I am in the here and now writing about this topic....lol

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Whore*of*Mensa

I would rather the pain of loneliness than hurting someone like that. 

 

But, believe me, loneliness is a physical pain, an emotional pain, like being a limb without a body, cut off from the blood supply..

 

 

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Well... I don't feel crushed, because my partner does compromise a lot & I'm able to talk about how his lack of sexual attraction/desire affects me.

 

If one can communicate within the mismatched needs and experiences, and respect and love the other for the experiences they have (and on my end, I'm pretty over-the-top about checking in & thanking)... that makes an enormous difference.

 

Which is to say: if you are worried about causing suffering, you are probably a long way towards not causing the suffering you worry about.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 8/23/2018 at 7:06 AM, Apostle said:

Yeah, how often do you have sex with her then? If your partner is asexual then she will not be doing this mutually.

Think about that.

WHAT?

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AceMissBehaving
On 12/30/2019 at 6:34 AM, william26 said:

my wife and me we both are sexual. we do sex 3 4 times daily. 😏

But have you maybe considered getting hobbies or reading a book?

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AceMissBehaving
2 hours ago, Apostle said:

Asexuality is defined as 'the quality or characteristic of having no sexual feelings or desires'.

Having mutual sex means that BOTH partners are interested in having sex with each other and not one of the two partners. If an asexual partner does consent to have sex with a sexual then it should be considered to be 'gift' or 'charity' sex. This is not meant as demeaning to the asexual because they just do not have the desire, but to the sexual it is somewhat of an insult, especially if the asexual does not communicate to the sexual his or her true indications of sexuality.

You don’t get to define another person’s motivations and experiences, nor is it really cool to go out of your way to sow dissatisfaction where someone wasn’t reporting any, especially in a community where people are looking for support and understanding.

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Yeah dude, you don't get to define other people's relationships and connections. And just fyi, whether or not someone's attracted to you, they still may be giving you "gift" sex because... Shocking... People are different and no two people are always perfectly in sync... but if your partner wants to do it, they want to do it. It's your personal choice whether you're into that, but your personal choice doesn't define other people's existence. 

 

EDIT: Oops totally missed MissBehaving's identical post

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Ya know for years I wanted life to just end.....but, I started remembering the reasons for living, even though I was living an emotionally unstable life, I still wanted to stick around for my family, for my friends....we used to have sex, but, I started feeling like I wasn't supposed to be having sex with my wife, because it just didn't feel right....I mean the feeling felt right, but, I think I became emotionally disconnected sort of.....I love my wife very much, but it is different how I feel about her now....it's more like a friendship or sibling love.....we are not lovers, and we barely were when there was sex....because she put too many boundaries, too many limits....sex should be free flowing....a river with many dams, doesn't make for a very good swimming hole at the end......when the mind goes, the body will follow....that's where we are now.....the once very hot bonfire is only a smouldering campfire now.....I want her, but can't have her....I started telling myself this over and over again......"I want what I have, but can't have what I want ".........I tell jokes to hide my true feelings......a frown is a smile turned upside down, is vice versa.....I've started exercising more....my Psychiatrist says I'm improving.....I don't think, I am, not really.....not when I desire my wife,  and turn to porn and masturbation for relief so I don't have to see her mean facial expressions when the sex subject comes up......Ah well, what the heck, huh?

We are married friends without benefits.....lol

Life goes on until it doesn't. 

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anisotrophic
1 hour ago, Uncle D said:

I don't think, I am, not really.....not when I desire my wife,  and turn to porn and masturbation for relief so I don't have to see her mean facial expressions when the sex subject comes up

It doesn't sound very happy. Have you given up on trying to communicate about it? (That is, while removing pressure/expectation for her to be sexual, communicating how it affects you.)

 

That said, relationships do tend to look like friendship or familial love once the limerance wears off. Storgic love.

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On 1/4/2020 at 1:31 PM, AceMissBehaving said:

You don’t get to define another person’s motivations and experiences, nor is it really cool to go out of your way to sow dissatisfaction where someone wasn’t reporting any, especially in a community where people are looking for support and understanding.

x

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AceMissBehaving
10 hours ago, Apostle said:

Well, as you don't define yourself as sexual how can you comment on someone who is? You have no idea on how a sexual may feel given those circumstances and it's not healthy to do so on this website if you are not a recipient of my circumstances

 

Here’s the thing you seem to be missing. Someone made a post talking about how the relationship with their asexual partner was one of the best things to happen in their life, and then out of nowhere, you tried converting them into feeling as  miserable as you, instead of simply allowing them happiness. You aren’t cut out to be with an ace person, some people may be.

 

Not everything on here is about your circumstances, yet you seem to often treat any mixed relationship post on here as if it is. Some people are happy in mixed relationships.

 

Quote

. You need to come out of your asexual shell and learn more about the other side of the coin before you rubbish someone else's comments without the experience to do so. 
 

I am so far out of my “asexual shell”. I am vastly aware of the other side of the coin. While sex isn’t in my DNA I have understanding. I engage with a lot of sexual people in conversations on the subject. I have an open, happy, and communicative marriage with a sexual man. I get hired to entertain at fetish events and orgies. I might be asexual, but I’m not devoid of understanding.
 

Quote

Please remember that I live with an asexual so I know perfectly well how one behaves and I can tell you from MY experience that I DO feel robbed of my sexuality and I expect may other sexuals who have a similar relationship also feel the same way.

You know how ONE behaves. You would probably benefit from actually listening to what people here say more, and understand that we are not monolith, we are all unique individuals.

 

It sucks that you feel robbed, there are plenty of times where your experience may be valuable to someone on here. That doesn’t mean it always is. Sowing discontent in people who are happy in a way you cannot be isn’t helpful.

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On 1/23/2005 at 5:31 PM, Rabger said:

*drags back up*

Come on people, I KNOW there are sexual partners in here!

My wife is asexual. I figured it while she was doing the same in therapy. She told me this when I asked her. She wouldn't have had I not. We have been very open in conversations. We were open from the start. She just lied about her sexuality. Not that there was none just that she indifferently accepted or went along with thing in her life. Myself included. She can orgasm and enjoy touching but its not a desire in anyway. She doesn't masturbate or fantasise. And nothing she reads or sees makes her horny. She has offered me an open sexual relationship but I am the one unable. So there is a piece of my story

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On 3/12/2005 at 7:36 PM, Elf people said:

I agree with Rin-perhaps we might say that there are degrees of sexuality just as there are degrees of asexuality. For instance, some asexuals are absolutely opposed to any form of physical proximity; on the other end of the scale, some asexuals are open to the idea of experimenting with sexuality. In the middle range are those who are comfortable with non-sexual affection.

Same with sexuals-of course, there's always the gender effect. There's the common myth that guys think about sex every minute/two minutes-you know the line.

My close female friend asked her bf about it and he replied in the affirmative-and from this she generalized to all males, esp since she says her bf is very civilized and does not at all seem like the high-libido person.

On the other hand, I remember asking my current bf (and this is when we were friends, so he did not give a strategic answer) and he said it's the stupidest thing he's ever heard.

so I guess whether a sexual-asexual relationship can work out depends on which end of the scale each person is at. What would not work for instance is a relationship between a highly sexual person and an asexual who cannot stand physical proximity.

Lots of guys don't care about sex at all especially older ones. That is just one big stereotypical myth. 

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On 1/6/2020 at 12:58 AM, AceMissBehaving said:

Here’s the thing you seem to be missing. Someone made a post talking about how the relationship with their asexual partner was one of the best things to happen in their life, and then out of nowhere, you tried converting them into feeling as  miserable as you, instead of simply allowing them happiness. You aren’t cut out to be with an ace person, some people may be.

 

Not everything on here is about your circumstances, yet you seem to often treat any mixed relationship post on here as if it is. Some people are happy in mixed relationships.

 

I am so far out of my “asexual shell”. I am vastly aware of the other side of the coin. While sex isn’t in my DNA I have understanding. I engage with a lot of sexual people in conversations on the subject. I have an open, happy, and communicative marriage with a sexual man. I get hired to entertain at fetish events and orgies. I might be asexual, but I’m not devoid of understanding.
 

You know how ONE behaves. You would probably benefit from actually listening to what people here say more, and understand that we are not monolith, we are all unique individuals.

 

It sucks that you feel robbed, there are plenty of times where your experience may be valuable to someone on here. That doesn’t mean it always is. Sowing discontent in people who are happy in a way you cannot be isn’t helpful.

I have always had issues with sexuality. Most people thought I was gay in my early life. So I spent time in it. Tried it. I always wanted to be bisexual because then the world was open to me. I wound up with mostly gay friends. I would argue with them about Gay Pride parades. I understood the need for acceptance. I just couldn't understand that an act that occurs for a miniscule amount of our lives define us. I'm a heterosexual man with an asexual woman. 99.9999999999% of the time we just love each other. I understand that my sexual needs are biological. I was angry at first. But it is such a recent thing that anyone can talk about such things let alone process and be open. I'm high functioning autistic. It doesn't mean I don't crave company or love. My wife is asexual and that goes for her too.   We just have to figure it out. She didn't rob me. That would mean intent. She didn't know

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AceMissBehaving
11 hours ago, Apostle said:

Classy!

You two stick together, looks like you need to. Reverting to swearing is very unladylike so you're showing your true colours now.

Well this isn’t where I thought this was going go but ok.

 

Personally I’d be more than happy to stick with @CBC.

 

We don’t have to wear the “ladylike” shackles any more and can use our voices to speak loudly and expressively without having to minimize ourselves to make way for men we disagree with.

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12 hours ago, CBC said:

😂 You just love to try to put women in their place, huh?

 

Dude, I don't do much of anything like a lady. ;) And I don't want to, so thanks for the compliment! 

 

1341798306124_7698241.png

Who would want to do anything like a lady? Learn to walk with books on your head and speak in specific tones and ways... no thanks. The 1950s classes on being a lady are just creepy to watch. 😛

 

So... can I join you two in the non-lady crowd?

 

Switters - It sucks when you're monogamous and in a mixed orientation relationship. Hopefully you two can find a way to work it out. :cake:

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1 minute ago, CBC said:

Hahaha right?! No thanks. 😎

 

I've had this image saved to my phone for about four years and I love it. 😂

 

BB3-CCC33-9-BF0-40-D1-8-CEB-87-E88469-A0

I do that a lot :lol: Like... I wear pants, not skirts, there is no point being uncomfy to sit all upright so people dont see up my skirt, so I will sit however is comfy ! 

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6 minutes ago, Serran said:

Who would want to do anything like a lady? Learn to walk with books on your head and speak in specific tones and ways... no thanks. The 1950s classes on being a lady are just creepy to watch. 😛

 

So... can I join you two in the non-lady crowd?

 

Switters - It sucks when you're monogamous and in a mixed orientation relationship. Hopefully you two can find a way to work it out. :cake:

 

10 minutes ago, Serran said:

Who would want to do anything like a lady? Learn to walk with books on your head and speak in specific tones and ways... no thanks. The 1950s classes on being a lady are just creepy to watch. 😛

 

So... can I join you two in the non-lady crowd?

 

Switters - It sucks when you're monogamous and in a mixed orientation relationship. Hopefully you two can find a way to work it out. :cake:

Thanks for that. And we will. Its just undiscovered country. 

 

"Any dead thing can go with the flow. It takes a live thing to go against it".   We are doing pretty good

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anisotrophic
12 hours ago, Apostle said:

Classy!

You two stick together, looks like you need to. Reverting to swearing is very unladylike so you're showing your true colours now.

@AceMissBehaving is totally Fing right.

 

Weekly intramuscular injections of 50mg testosterone cypionate says I ain’t a lady. Sorry if you're envious of what I've got going but I hear you can get your T checked & supplemented if that's an issue. I hear people get cranky when it's low. 😄

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Anthracite_Impreza
7 hours ago, CBC said:

Hahaha right?! No thanks. 😎

 

I've had this image saved to my phone for about four years and I love it. 😂

 

BB3-CCC33-9-BF0-40-D1-8-CEB-87-E88469-A0

Sharovipteryx! Sorry, I agree with you on the anti-misogyny and all that but... leg-winged Triassic lizard 😁

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Anthracite_Impreza
1 minute ago, CBC said:

Had to google, haha. I had no idea. They're pretty cute critters. And I'd rather be a leg-winged Triassic lizard than a lady. :P 

No one knows they exist so I get really nerdy when I see one 'in the wild', like Opabinia or Hallucigenia.

Spoiler

Opabinia_BW.jpg

C0394580-Hallucigenia_sparsa_invertebrat

Now, certain people, stop being misogynistic and pandering to gender stereotypes, because there are more useful things to do, like google obscure extinct things.

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Anthracite_Impreza
1 minute ago, CBC said:

Oddly enough, there used to be a sexual member of AVEN whose username was Hallucigenia. Aeons ago now, might've joined around the same time I did and hasn't been around in years. I never did know what her username meant haha, and (uncharacteristically) did not google.

I would've nerded out.

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On 1/4/2020 at 7:03 PM, Uncle D said:

Ya know for years I wanted life to just end.....but, I started remembering the reasons for living, even though I was living an emotionally unstable life, I still wanted to stick around for my family, for my friends....we used to have sex, but, I started feeling like I wasn't supposed to be having sex with my wife, because it just didn't feel right....I mean the feeling felt right, but, I think I became emotionally disconnected sort of.....I love my wife very much, but it is different how I feel about her now....it's more like a friendship or sibling love.....we are not lovers, and we barely were when there was sex....because she put too many boundaries, too many limits....sex should be free flowing....a river with many dams, doesn't make for a very good swimming hole at the end......when the mind goes, the body will follow....that's where we are now.....the once very hot bonfire is only a smouldering campfire now.....I want her, but can't have her....I started telling myself this over and over again......"I want what I have, but can't have what I want ".........I tell jokes to hide my true feelings......a frown is a smile turned upside down, is vice versa.....I've started exercising more....my Psychiatrist says I'm improving.....I don't think, I am, not really.....not when I desire my wife,  and turn to porn and masturbation for relief so I don't have to see her mean facial expressions when the sex subject comes up......Ah well, what the heck, huh?

We are married friends without benefits.....lol

Life goes on until it doesn't. 

Wow...similar story here.   As best any of us can, I understand how you feel.  It is very difficult much of the time.  

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SmittySamSpencer

Hi all.  New guest here.  I just found your forum and am very thankful, as I had been struggling on my own to try to figure out what's going on with my relationship with my wife.  I am sexual, she is not. 

 

Here's the thing - she doesn't seem to know that she is not sexual.  Her experience of her life is just what it is, since it's never been any different for her.  She has no framework or reference to be able to discuss the topic.  It's as if she were trying to describe life on another planet while not having been there.  Similar to science fiction, you can imagine something exists without experiencing it in your life.

 

Does this make sense to any of you?  Thanks

 

 

 

 

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