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9 hours ago, PolyamerousTantric said:

Observing how this works, I have come to believe that sexual energy is the most powerful motivating force within the human experience.

If this point of view works for you, that's fine. But beware of over-generalization :-)

https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/anecdotal

 

:cake:

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On 12/27/2017 at 1:47 AM, PolyamerousTantric said:

As a sexual, one thing I noticed is that my asexual wife sees sex very differently than I do.  She sees it as something of a biological act and from this perspective finds it to be a little bit gross and unappealing.

 

When you look at sex by itself, it is actually a little gross, but there is something missing that shifts sex into something beautiful that is absent in my wife's experience.  The chemistry or spark between people, that feels like a powerful magnetic attraction, seems to decorate sex in a way that makes it seem quite beautiful.  This chemistry is usually the thing that women go on and on about as if it's the only thing about sex that they really care about.  Men experience it too, though they rarely pay as much attention to it.  Let's just say, if you are really tuned in to this, you won't be in any hurry to skip the for play.  

 

I would define sexuality as two opposing forces attracting towards each other and all of the subtle effects related to that.  

 

A good example of this is that for me, when I see a beautiful woman, especially if she is being sexy in her presentation, I feel my body reacting by producing some kind of fire.  That's part of my sexuality and this fire is energy that will drive me.  Maybe this fire keeps me awake so that I can have a great conversation!  The fire is like creative energy in it's most raw form.

 

As far as I can tell, asexual people do not respond this way.  They appreciate affection, but do not feel much if any attraction or sexual response.  

 

The biggest danger here is that a man's body can figure out when a woman is not a sexual possibility.  This has happened with me and my asexual wife.  Now my body tends to want to just go to sleep around her.  It has become much more difficult to satisfy her needs as an intellectual who wants to have a good conversation.  

 

So basically, a man's body will foolishly donate tons of creative energy if there's even a possibility of sex.  Once that possibility is completely extinguished, there are bound to be some problems.  

 

Even if my wife doesn't care about sexuality, she absolutely cares about the way I use my sexual energy to satisfy her in other ways such as mental stimulation.   

 

I wish that I could instruct my body to respond to her the way it responds to other women that it foolishly sees as sexual possibilities.  That would make everything much easier for me because I wouldn't feel so drained interacting with her.  

 

Observing how this works, I have come to believe that sexual energy is the most powerful motivating force within the human experience.  How one works with and channels this energy will be a huge factor in their lives. 

Cool viewpoints. Thank you for sharing and good luck with gaining the energy you need with your wife.

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PolyamerousTantric
On 12/27/2017 at 2:04 PM, roland.o said:

If this point of view works for you, that's fine. But beware of over-generalization :-)

https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/anecdotal

 

:cake:

Indeed, everything I'm saying is based on my very unusual perspective.  I must be conveying myself in a way that makes it seems as though I believe what I'm saying to be the general truth.  You are not the first person to point out to me that I come across that way.

 

Sometimes I try to be over the top about explaining that what I'm about to say is just my opinion but that gets tiresome after a while and it doesn't even seem to work.

 

Oh well, I guess my style of speaking just comes across as arogant or maybe kind of preachy?

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1 hour ago, PolyamerousTantric said:

Oh well, I guess my style of speaking just comes across as arogant or maybe kind of preachy?

I don't mind arrogance - I've been called so myself. But when somebody starts talking about THE most powerful motivating force within the human experience, I just HAVE to contradict. I would have done the same if you had declared the survival instinct to be it, or :cake: ;-)

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think you could make a good case for either sex or survival being the most powerful human motivator actually...

But not :cake: ?! You've got your priorities wrong ;-)

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On 29/11/2017 at 2:08 AM, Jay.J said:

G'day everyone, 

 

 

I don't know where to start but I am writing this hoping to get some help.

I would like to share my story with you. I am a mid 30 straight male. I got married when I was 20 years old, she was 19. I am from a culture where marriage is a strong bond and divorce is a big social problem. I must admit I fall in love with her. From the very beginning, there was something missing in between us. She was calm and quiet, keeping things to herself whereas I was active, warm, passionate and full of energy and adventure. It didn't take long to find out it is a one-way relationship. I wasn't receiving the love and passion I was expressing to her. I soon felt the gap. It took me a while to find out what I want to do in my life. Being from a traditional family has always stopped me to even think about divorce although I felt the need desperately from every stage. There was something missing in my life. There was no love, no intimacy, no passion, I was feeling a huge emotional gap in my life. This was very clear in my day to day life and interactions with opposite sex. As soon as I was close to a female friend, I started to develop emotion and feeling towards her. Many times I kept this romantic attraction hidden but I always questioned myself. I have strong values that consider myself strongly committed to them. What was missing in my life? Trying to buy flowers, giving her pleasant surprises and stick to the common rules of keeping the relationship moving, but it has always been a one-way journey. 

On the positive side, however, she has always been a good company. What I mean is she enjoys outdoor and adventures as I do and is easygoing. She has been accommodating my sexual needs even though there has always been a complaint about me being too active sexually. We have kept ourselves busy with my ambitions and dreams. I wanted to further my education and then migrated to Australia. For over 5 years we have been busy exploring Australia together and I have always tried to manage the gaps with other things, focus on things we both enjoy and try to ignore, forget and suppress feeling and emotions. 

 

Eventually, I thought having a child can change the course of events in my life. But it worked out to be totally opposite. Our first child born and the second one immediately after with no plan for it took us as a surprise. It was against our value to go for a termination, even though we discussed the option. Our life was completely screwed. By time passing and children getting older we didn't have time to do activities we used to and the emotional gap got bigger and bigger. We were separated for a short time but I couldn't stand life without my children and she tried to take them away and it was a constant struggle. We tried to manage a mutually beneficial relationship and living together now. 

I could see how she grow both mentally and emotionally, built herself a successful career and being an excellent mum. I tried to focus on children and divert all this emotion and love to them but inside I was being anxious and depressed with low self-confidence and emotionally broken and dissatisfied.  

Whenever we talk or argue about this, during our conversation, she always insists that she enjoys every aspect of the relationship with me and it is me that is not satisfied and still exploring.  Its been a constant struggle to be on the dark side and get along with contradictions. For a while, I also thought she may be a lesbian. I have always been an advocate to be open and honest with your sexual orientation. We spoke and she said she is clearly not a lesbian. And this story was going on and on, an extremely cold and lifeless relationship with all those things you already know. 

I have recently read an article about Asexuality and emailed it to her. Apparently, she has since been reading and researching this topic for weeks. The sun has finally come out and shed light on this dark side of our relationship. I am saying dark as I did really suffer many aspects of it for a long time. She has made it clear that she has never been sexually attracted to anyone. Never even sexually thought of any man or woman in her entire life. Never been turned on, no heart bit no desire.  She made it clear that she married me as I was a right option at the time and she liked some aspect of my personality and most of all it was time for her to get married. She never felt intimacy or love in that way with me. She has also revealed that she shared this with our family doctor and was told that she has to accommodate my sexual needs as a duty of care! (What a Doctor!).  She said she never enjoyed having sex with me and has always been pretending and faking everything to keep me happy. She now is happy for me to chose my way and is sorry for everything. 

Now, as a matter of fact, I have been lied to, deceived, been incriminated for everything wrong in our relationship,  besides the feeling that I sexually imposed myself on someone with different sexual orientation for over a decade. She was extremely controlling and I got subjected to domestic violence because I was lonely and was in contact with few females I knew through facebook and etc.   I felt completely broken. It's too late and scary to start all over again. I don't possess the quality and youth to attract a female of my standards anymore. It feels that I have to accept my fate. Please let me know if there is anything that can make things better.

Thank you for listening to me. 

I also shared this as a topic but since I didn't get much reply, I am sharing it here. 

I understand what you're going through. I have a problem that is a bit similar. The difference is that I'm a woman, and my husband is the one who showed sexual interest only before our marriage. Also, we don't have children, so there are no other people/responsibilities involved in our mess of a relationship. You've been deceived and abused. I don't know how old you are, but I do believe it's never too late to begin a new life. You deserve better than this. May I ask you how old you are and why you believe you cannot attract a female of your standards anymore? I or somebody else may have some suggestions to help you.

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Alwaysthinkingtoomuch

I just went through an ordeal over this I’ll tell you what.  Personally for me being with sexuals has been a nightmare for one reason in particular. They think I think and feel like everyone else.  They assume I want to cheat when i seem upset etc. No, I don’t have a “sex DRIVE” to want to. Ugh. I would have understood the problem better if it actually applied to me. That’s what is infuriating is that most assume you are trying to pull the wool over their eyes and all that other garbage.  Or maybe I just don’t care to. Is that so hard to believe? I mean really. Then when they stop having in depth conversations with you because they assume that’s why you don’t want to talk to them. and it no it has nothing to do with the fact that just because you’re not interested or you try to learn more about sex just because you find it fascinating, you’re sleeping around? I’ll never get to experience a karnal urge to rip someone’s clothes off. It’s the equivalent of sexual impotence. Talk about insensitive. Especially when you never tell them no because you don’t mind fulfilling their sexual needs.  Well excuse me if I’m not turned on by being labeled a _______.If that’s bad enough to turn off a sexual imagine how you feel if you’re the equivalent of impotent, only there is no viagra for your brain other than their love. So their logic is “ if I call you a street term and isolate you it’s ok because i was angry or suspected you of things.” 

No as an asexual I know my first thoughts are “or you just call me how you treat me right?” So being the equivalent of impotent it’s a devastating blow to your worth because you’ve told them you’re asexual or before I knew what it was I used to just say I just don’t feel anything about it. And it took me awhile to figure out the best way to put it and it’s what I would say is like getting an erection. And that’s caused by a primal urge/karnal urge to have sex. I don’t get that and it sux and it sux even more when everyone wants to label you a street term because they assume. So for me to cheat would be like me going to work everyday and getting to know the clerk. That’s about as far as that’s going to go unless they initiate because I don’t feel attracted whatsoever believe me. Porn....nope doesn’t help. Creams, nope. Pills nope. Tantra, meh....a little bit because it’s on more of a connected level but the only thing I find that works for me is love. If you don’t love me the passion just won’t be there. It’s all in my head. I have to make my sex drive and I can’t when I feel like someone dislikes me, or I don’t know them it just doesn’t work. Therefore my logic was as an asexual, 

Well, I like the way sex feels. A lot. Just because I’m impotent to a sex drive doesn’t mean I’m cooterlyzed. I can still feel it for crying out loud and yes it feels fantastic. But that’s because it’s like going in for a massage to me. I enter the appointment because that’s where I was supposed to be at that time and then after my appointment I left until get to my follow up. So I know if I’m married I can get it, almost whenever I want, had I ever wanted to. So that’s convenient and it’s sanitary I know where it’s been. He’s a great guy and I love him more than anything so this is perfect. Why would I risk all of that for a 5 min session to achieve a 5 second orgasm, with someone I don’t know enough to move in with. It’s makes no sense to me. So now I’m divorced and screwed because now it’s up to me. Had no plans myself so yeah I would say they have to be the most understanding individuals to be in a relationship with an asexual. Sorry for the rant. But I felt that it’s stupid and people can’t just be happy with what they have personally. That’s ok too just don’t drag people through the mud if you’re not. Thanks for listening and again I apologize but truly how I feel about much of the struggles I deal with personally. 

 

 

 

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18 hours ago, Alwaysthinkingtoomuch said:

So now I’m divorced

I'm sorry that you got ensnared by such a specimen. They're not all like this, but I know that's no comfort to you right now.

Hope that you'll get over him a.s.a.p. Meanwhile, have some... :cake:

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Hi, I just joined as a sexual and I was looking to share my experience dating a girl who recently confessed she was asexual and perhaps get some advice on how to deal with this. Though I’m not sure if this is the correct thread to share that information. 

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4 hours ago, jwhit93 said:

Hi, I just joined as a sexual and I was looking to share my experience dating a girl who recently confessed she was asexual and perhaps get some advice on how to deal with this. Though I’m not sure if this is the correct thread to share that information. 

Welcome to aven.

 

I'd say starting a new thread might be best

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5 hours ago, iff said:

Welcome to aven.

 

I'd say starting a new thread might be best

Okay thank you, look out for me if you can and are willing to put your two cents in. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 05/05/2017 at 4:02 PM, Icebearpanda said:

 I'm a librarian, so I default to research when I'm faced with the unknown.  If you like reading, I'm finding the following book helpful: The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker. It even has a chapter titled " What if My Partner Just Said They're Asexual? What Do I Do?" that might be a good starting point.

I suggest trying to find it at your local library, or searching libraries around the country who may have it:http://www.worldcat.org/

Or if you want to buy a copy (and don't want to go thru Amazon):https://www.betterworldbooks.com/The-Invisible-Orientation--An-Introduction-to-Asexuality-id-9781631440021.aspx

On 05/05/2017 at 4:02 PM, Icebearpanda said:

 I'm a librarian, so I default to research when I'm faced with the unknown.  If you like reading, I'm finding the following book helpful: The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker. It even has a chapter titled " What if My Partner Just Said They're Asexual? What Do I Do?" that might be a good starting point.

I suggest trying to find it at your local library, or searching libraries around the country who may have it:http://www.worldcat.org/

Or if you want to buy a copy (and don't want to go thru Amazon):https://www.betterworldbooks.com/The-Invisible-Orientation--An-Introduction-to-Asexuality-id-9781631440021.aspx

 

 

Maybe there are other books entitled “the importance of remaining lovers, or the importance of sex between spouses” that his wife could read?

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On 02/01/2018 at 4:04 PM, roland.o said:

But not :cake: ?! You've got your priorities wrong ;-)

No I would say pieces of cake are the most important survival instinct.

Cake, yum yum yum.

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Learning A Lifestyle
On 01/12/2017 at 11:11 PM, ErichA said:

So I didnt think I would find someone on here that would know my story, but yours copies mine to a t.....everything you wrote is how i feel.  The difference is, my wife now wants an open marriage, with rules, so I can get what i need, and she doesnt have to feel guilty that she cant fulfill this part of our marriage...i cant deal with this....

I'm kind of in the same boat as you, have been given the choice but how can you cheat on a partner. It would be changing your view on the relationship forever let alone the fear of catching feelings towards someone you do decide to sleep with. I completely understand how A-sexuals feel trapped by societies views on the sexuality and sex in general however isn't this just the reverse where straight people end up feeling trapped because alot of A sexuals don't see the importance of such things like we do. (Obviously through no fault of their own)

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Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, Learning A Lifestyle! Have some cake... :cake:

 

15 hours ago, Learning A Lifestyle said:

how can you cheat on a partner

It's not cheating when you and your partner agree on a different set of rules.

 

15 hours ago, Learning A Lifestyle said:

It would be changing your view on the relationship forever

But that's the point, isn't it? If the relationship doesn't work for both partners, then it needs to change, or end.

 

16 hours ago, Learning A Lifestyle said:

feel trapped by societies views on the sexuality and sex in general

Yes indeed, that can apply to both sides. Take it as an opportunity to ponder what you value in the relationship, to find out what constitutes the core of it for you. Some of your expectations will be based on these values, others might just be an unreflected impression of societies' views. Once you can separate the two, and your partner does the same, the two of you can make a decision on how to evolve your relationship. Until then, make sure to keep up the communication with your partner! I hope you'll find a way. :cake:

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just found this thread tonight...you guys. This opened my eyes big time. I still have no sexual desire or anything, but I think I understand the other perspective better. And honestly, so many of these stories made me want to cry.

We all deserve to be loved - even if we love differently. And for sexuals and asexuals who can make it work together, you are truly amazing.

(Also, @Orbit I know of and love Ladyhawke :) It's my mom's favorite movie of all time)

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 24/03/2017 at 12:43 AM, frednsa said:

... now i'm too old,...

@frednsa IMHO there’s no such thing as too old. Just do it now. There never is a right time, and there always are plenty of reasons not to do it. It seems to me that you are making an excuse now, the same way you have been doing for the last 50 years. 🍀

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On 27/12/2017 at 3:17 PM, PolyamerousTantric said:

The biggest danger here is that a man's body can figure out when a woman is not a sexual possibility.  This has happened with me and my asexual wife.  Now my body tends to want to just go to sleep around her.  It has become much more difficult to satisfy her needs as an intellectual who wants to have a good conversation.  

 

So basically, a man's body will foolishly donate tons of creative energy if there's even a possibility of sex.  Once that possibility is completely extinguished, there are bound to be some problems.  

 

Even if my wife doesn't care about sexuality, she absolutely cares about the way I use my sexual energy to satisfy her in other ways such as mental stimulation.

I am a woman, but I have seen this happen in my life. I am attracted to intelligence, but the other side of it is that I am also very invigorated by my partner and it is a creative energy of sorts indeed. The times when my ace has been oblivious to the sexual side of things, I have tended to be very withdrawn as well. There is affection, but there isn't energy. It may partly be because if I am guarding against acting sexual him, I am not spontaneous and it reflects in an overall lack of spontaniety - of which a major part is the constant flow of ideas, deliberation, discussion.... it isn't that we can't talk, but that spark is definitely.... low.

 

This doesn't happen with men I don't have a sexual relationship with, so I think it is more a side effect of me being careful around him than a lack of a sexual aspect specifically, though the energy sexual desire brings to an overall relationship can't be denied. My ace too really enjoys it when I am sexually satisfied, because I get more engaging, affectionate, vibrant and spontaneous overall. In the sense that the "high" for lack of a better word, is not limited to the sexual, it is an overall sense of well being and operating at full power.

 

When I am frustrated, I feel.... dull, restless, or just resigned and disinterested.

 

I think he senses this too, and definitely wants me to be sexually interested in this relationship.

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  • 2 weeks later...
mrbeanatural

I am envious of those whose partners actually acknowledge their condition and encourage them to look elsewhere to fulfill their needs. Some of us are not so lucky. Though in all honesty, I would have no idea how to begin if that were an option. With no other alternative, I have found solace in more secretive outlets such as gentlemen's clubs. I do not consider it cheating and do not feel guilty about it after the fact. 

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  • 2 months later...

I'm a sexual male and my love is Asexual and i can only say this relationship has been the purest thing i have had ever
its been six months almost seven and i love her more and more each day

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  • 1 month later...

That's how I felt about my wife when we started Andrion. But we didn't know about ACE back in the late 90s. I hope no other generations have to make the same mistakes we did. As long as people are up front about it and offer other options, I think we're all going to be so much happier. I'm going to make sure my sons know about this issue, as nobody ever told me.

My oldest saw an email that was suspicious the other day and he was "Dad, why have you got this?" and I had to lie. That was 5 days ago. 2 days into my aha moment, I'm going to have to have a talk with him that he doesn't need to worry about this. My other son, I have a suspicion might be ACE too. So I'm no longer going to ask him about girls etc.. So much learned in just 2 days. 

Mr Bean.. if you want to reach out, please do. I've been there.

 

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On 7/26/2018 at 3:12 PM, SG100084 said:

My oldest saw an email that was suspicious the other day and he was "Dad, why have you got this?" and I had to lie. That was 5 days ago. 2 days into my aha moment, I'm going to have to have a talk with him that he doesn't need to worry about this.

You may need to discuss what he found with your wife first and ideally speak with any children needing to be informed together, or at least in a similar manner. In general, it is a bad idea to discuss things with children that could blindside your partner. It is likely to worry your son more if you speak about it in one way and his mother in another. Particularly if it appears to be something traditionally understood as a "betrayal" of his mother and she is not able to sound ok about it.

 

If your wife and you aren't on the same page about this, it may be wise to continue to conceal it from your son and use the necessary discretion and lies when unavoidable till he is old enough to have options to avoid being around you/her if he chooses and isn't forced to become a helpless accomplice to what he sees as undesirable behavior. The choices of parents should not become the burden of children.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 3/4/2005 at 9:02 AM, Identity_Crisis said:

I'm new here, so please mind my ignorance, but how can you have a sexual/asexual relationship?

Any explanation would be great considering i think i am asexual, and i know my partner isn't...

You can't. Get over it, release your partner from his/her mental nightmare and find a new life for yourself.

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On 6/6/2018 at 1:49 AM, Andrion said:

I'm a sexual male and my love is Asexual and i can only say this relationship has been the purest thing i have had ever
its been six months almost seven and i love her more and more each day

x

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello all! I am a 32 year old woman who is married to a 37 year old man. We have been together 10 years. We went through spells where we had sex more than other times, but I always seemed to be the one initiating it. About 3 years ago, I got frustrated and quit initiating. Our sex life came to a complete stand-still. At one point, we didn't have sex for 6 months! It all finally bubbled over. I pleaded with him to tell me why he wasn't attracted to me anymore (he insisted he was still in love with me.) I got angry. I did bargaining. I gave him ultimatums. He finally got his testosterone checked- it was normal. And the most confusing thing to me was- he is SO affectionate! He hugs and kisses me, he rubs me, he runs his fingers through my hair, he holds my hand in the movies.. We cuddle. We do everything together. We laugh, we goof off. We have 3 kids and a house. We have the same taste in movies and we love playing card/board games. We are compatible in every way EXCEPT the bedroom. We don't even fight about money.. we are on the same page financially and have the same monetary goals we discuss constantly and we work as a team. But! He NEVER initiates sex with me. I took it personal for 3 years. Like there was something wrong with me and he just wouldn't admit it. It drove me crazy. I finally just went back to initiating the sex instead of waiting for him to do it. He likes having sex once we are doing it.. he never turns me down or has performance issues and he gets really into it. But otherwise, it's like sex isn't even a blip on his radar. He never sneaks into the shower with me, or rolls over and starts kissing me. I've never been pressed up against a wall or done the deed on my kitchen countertops. 

 

I have asked him repeatedly what he liked, what his kinks were, what he fantasized about.. thinking there was just a way to open him up more. But he always shrugged it off and said he loved me and he was attracted to me, but just never really thought about sex much. He has no kinks, no fantasies, nothing.

 

I realized last night that being 'asexual' was an actual thing, and it seems to fit him. He loves me in every other way a person can be loved. Except sexually. 

 

I guess I'm just looking for insight, support, whatever. I feel a little better knowing his preferences might actually have nothing to do with me.. but it's still a weird road to travel. All of my female friends have the opposite problem where their husbands have ferocious appetites and it makes me feel a little like I'm missing out, since that's more my style.

 

My husband doesn't hate sex at all, he just isn't into it. It feels like he only gets enjoyment out of it because he knows I'm enjoying it, and that's sweet, but less fun for me.

 

So, yeah. 

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1 hour ago, Bks said:

Hello all! I am a 32 year old woman who is married to a 37 year old man. We have been together 10 years. We went through spells where we had sex more than other times, but I always seemed to be the one initiating it. About 3 years ago, I got frustrated and quit initiating. Our sex life came to a complete stand-still. At one point, we didn't have sex for 6 months! It all finally bubbled over. I pleaded with him to tell me why he wasn't attracted to me anymore (he insisted he was still in love with me.) I got angry. I did bargaining. I gave him ultimatums. He finally got his testosterone checked- it was normal. And the most confusing thing to me was- he is SO affectionate! He hugs and kisses me, he rubs me, he runs his fingers through my hair, he holds my hand in the movies.. We cuddle. We do everything together. We laugh, we goof off. We have 3 kids and a house. We have the same taste in movies and we love playing card/board games. We are compatible in every way EXCEPT the bedroom. We don't even fight about money.. we are on the same page financially and have the same monetary goals we discuss constantly and we work as a team. But! He NEVER initiates sex with me. I took it personal for 3 years. Like there was something wrong with me and he just wouldn't admit it. It drove me crazy. I finally just went back to initiating the sex instead of waiting for him to do it. He likes having sex once we are doing it.. he never turns me down or has performance issues and he gets really into it. But otherwise, it's like sex isn't even a blip on his radar. He never sneaks into the shower with me, or rolls over and starts kissing me. I've never been pressed up against a wall or done the deed on my kitchen countertops. 

 

I have asked him repeatedly what he liked, what his kinks were, what he fantasized about.. thinking there was just a way to open him up more. But he always shrugged it off and said he loved me and he was attracted to me, but just never really thought about sex much. He has no kinks, no fantasies, nothing.

 

I realized last night that being 'asexual' was an actual thing, and it seems to fit him. He loves me in every other way a person can be loved. Except sexually. 

 

I guess I'm just looking for insight, support, whatever. I feel a little better knowing his preferences might actually have nothing to do with me.. but it's still a weird road to travel. All of my female friends have the opposite problem where their husbands have ferocious appetites and it makes me feel a little like I'm missing out, since that's more my style.

 

My husband doesn't hate sex at all, he just isn't into it. It feels like he only gets enjoyment out of it because he knows I'm enjoying it, and that's sweet, but less fun for me.

 

So, yeah. 

I could have written your post a few months ago. It is what it is. We have very special men, who simply aren't into sex, though they can enjoy it. I have no answers. Sometimes I find contentment in seducing him (after which he enjoys). Other times, I steer clear and he is absolutely 100% fine to the point of not even noticing that I haven't been as close.

 

I am in a pretty depressed phase right now, but my larger picture is "FUCK IT". We've got enough solid good stuff going. He's always been iffy on the sex and I'm no longer interested. If I want to get laid, I'll find someone (not him - I'm polyamorous). If he wants to offer sex, I am able to enjoy it but it never feels like "togetherness" the way sex used to.

 

I've stopped overthinking this. If sex happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't, if I find some other hot guy, I'm so going to rock his dreams for exactly a day and a half before I come to my senses and realize I'm asocial and I don't actually want to add another person to my life.

 

Which brings me to a date planned for this Sunday. I'm meeting someone who sounds very interesting. If it works out, it could be just the answer to both our needs.

 

My ace is not going to be an answer to my sexual needs. I'm pretty clear on that right now.

 

Of course, I went into this relationship explicitly not promising monogamy. Which now turns out to be serendipity. 

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2 hours ago, Bks said:

Hello all! I am a 32 year old woman who is married to a 37 year old man. We have been together 10 years. We went through spells where we had sex more than other times, but I always seemed to be the one initiating it. About 3 years ago, I got frustrated and quit initiating. Our sex life came to a complete stand-still. At one point, we didn't have sex for 6 months! It all finally bubbled over. I pleaded with him to tell me why he wasn't attracted to me anymore (he insisted he was still in love with me.) I got angry. I did bargaining. I gave him ultimatums. He finally got his testosterone checked- it was normal. And the most confusing thing to me was- he is SO affectionate! He hugs and kisses me, he rubs me, he runs his fingers through my hair, he holds my hand in the movies.. We cuddle. We do everything together. We laugh, we goof off. We have 3 kids and a house. We have the same taste in movies and we love playing card/board games. We are compatible in every way EXCEPT the bedroom. We don't even fight about money.. we are on the same page financially and have the same monetary goals we discuss constantly and we work as a team. But! He NEVER initiates sex with me. I took it personal for 3 years. Like there was something wrong with me and he just wouldn't admit it. It drove me crazy. I finally just went back to initiating the sex instead of waiting for him to do it. He likes having sex once we are doing it.. he never turns me down or has performance issues and he gets really into it. But otherwise, it's like sex isn't even a blip on his radar. He never sneaks into the shower with me, or rolls over and starts kissing me. I've never been pressed up against a wall or done the deed on my kitchen countertops. 

 

I have asked him repeatedly what he liked, what his kinks were, what he fantasized about.. thinking there was just a way to open him up more. But he always shrugged it off and said he loved me and he was attracted to me, but just never really thought about sex much. He has no kinks, no fantasies, nothing.

 

I realized last night that being 'asexual' was an actual thing, and it seems to fit him. He loves me in every other way a person can be loved. Except sexually. 

 

I guess I'm just looking for insight, support, whatever. I feel a little better knowing his preferences might actually have nothing to do with me.. but it's still a weird road to travel. All of my female friends have the opposite problem where their husbands have ferocious appetites and it makes me feel a little like I'm missing out, since that's more my style.

 

My husband doesn't hate sex at all, he just isn't into it. It feels like he only gets enjoyment out of it because he knows I'm enjoying it, and that's sweet, but less fun for me.

 

So, yeah. 

I'm male, but otherwise pretty much the same situation with the genders swapped.  My wife loves me, (and I love her) but she just doesn't have more than a tiny bit of sexual desire. 

 

You *are* missing out - because there are many men out there who would desire you, and whom you would desire.  How important that missing part of your life is to you, only you can say.    

 

Having dealt with this for 30 years all I can say is for you to give up hope. Really.  Convince yourself that it will never change, that he is just naturally this way, and then decide how you want to live your life.  Nothing is more frustrating that constantly hoping and trying for something that simply isn't there.

 

Its very lonely -  because almost no one will understand the situation you are in, they will just talk about what a wonderful marriage you have. 

 

 

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Hi, I'm an Ace of 27 yo. I'm new on Aven. I've been in a wonderful relationship with my partner of 32 yo for three years and a half. Everything's fine, except in the bedroom.

 

We were planning to get married, but now that I know what I am, I refuse. He probably thinks the same.

 

Our couple is still young, maybe that's why we are still hopeful that we can work it out and stay together forever, even though he is a Hyper Sexual.

 

He doesn't want to come on the forum to seek some support. Says that it won't change the current situation. 

 

Before knowing that I'm an Ace, I felt so guilty refusing him , and he felt so bad, always trying to force it on me.

 

I've been putting on my phone, in an app, for more than a year now, when we have sex, and how many times. I check it at least once a week, and when I see that we haven't had any sex for more than a week, I initiate sex. So, for a year and a half or so, maybe two, we have sex at least once a week.

 

Sure it's not enough for him, but I asked him to masturbate more often, and he does. I let him record and take pictures, when he asks. Sometimes I can't let him do that, feels like I'm in a porn. But that's me he desires, it's me he wants to make love to. To masturbate, he needs videos. So I let him do that. Porn helps, of course, to add some spice I suppose, because we have really basic, gentle, innocent, how do you say that? Vanilla sex? 

 

I love him deeply. He's my soul mate. For me, to imagine him having sex with another woman, even kissing someone else is too painful! I can't. I'm so scared that he would fall in love with someone else!

I'm selfish, I know. I told him he could leave le if it's too unbearable. But he said that it was not really a choice, because he loved me so much that leaving me was not an option right now. We are trapped by our own feelings for each other. 

 

So, because I never think about having sex, I use an app. And I asked him two days ago, when I '' discovered'' I was an Ace, I cried so much in despair, I begged him to try again and again to have sex with me and insist and never give up because I usually give in. To not give me up. I know that one day he will be too tired to always ask me to have sex, to always initiate it. But now he' s not. I hope he's not. 

 

For now, I can bear having sex once in a while. Sometimes I can bear it everyday, several times a day, for a week or two. Then I can't for the time equivalent, sometimes longer. It depends on the frequency we have sex. Fortunately, we communicate a lot. There was a time in our life when I just fled. I hide from him. It was the most painful time of our couple's life. Then I told him about my low sexual drive. That it was me, not him. That I found him so freaking handsome! But he wouldn't make the difference between finding someone beautiful and desirable. For him, I just didn't love him anymore. I made the mistake, when we started going out, to fake the desire to have sex, because I knew that it was what I was supposed to do. Everyone told me '' oh you'll see, when you're going to meet a guy, you'll have sex at least three times a day the first three months! '' so I counted. Three times today, check! I'm normal! 

I wanted to be normal because I wasn't aware of the existance of the asexuality. 

Even now, my boyfriend tells me '' but at the beginning you wanted to have sex as much as I did! '' it's really painful to tell him the truth. He still doesn't believe it. That I faked it, to be normal, to be with him, to satisfy him, because he asked I didn't want to refuse him, because it was new and I was curious, because I hoped it would change and I would someday love it, crave it! 

 

I saw a sex therapist and a psychologist. What a joke. '' It will come, masturbate, don't worry. Not working? Then you don't love him. Asexuality? What is that? No desire to have sex? Pffft! Impossible, we're animals, it's engraved in us, in our DNA. Asexuality does not exist! You just have issues with it, maybe because of your mother/father/cat or whatever! We will find out! '' 

 

I was waiting for the burning desire that put fire in your veins that you can read in erotica scenes in books. Still desperately waiting. I know now that I won't change. 

 

We believe in us. We believe we can make it through. We believe in compromising. We trust each other. He is the love of my life, I don't want to make him a prisoner. But we're not there yet. There is still hope.

 

Much Love and Respect. Cheers 🥧

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