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Doesn't it depend on the circumstances though? At the time of our problems I recognised my responsibilities as a parent as paramount as we had three children under the age of two, one severely disabled. As a Christian I couldn't let any selfishnesh in my own personal life get in the way of being a responsible parent and thus I stuck with the relationship I had with my wife. We are good friends now but nothing more than that. Having now thought through our pre-family relationship though I sort of realised that she was probably asexual all along but disguised it well and went along with the infrequent sex before we had children. I just thought she had a low libido at one stage but perhaps this was a smokescreen to hide her true self.

One thing I have now realised is that whilst many people say sex between partners is a small part of a relationship, they may not realise the importance of it for some.

As far as not talking about it, I think that is just rubbish. That is why wars occur..........no communication............... and it is communication that is always at the heart of any relationship.

If the partner chooses not to talk, then that's it - you just have to accept it. You can't make them, and it's their choice.

Seeing as you say you're a Christian, I suppose you're familiar with this saying:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

the courage

to change the things I can change

and the wisdom

to tell one from the other.

I found that tis is one of the best lessons there is in life, especially in terms of relationships and social situations, in general.

Isn't that what I have done though..........accepted my position, albeit reluctantly? I'm only talking about my position on this site because my wife cannot or does not want to and it's a bit of a mental release to do so. The only thing that makes it slightly easier is that I know I am not alone. I can tell you this much though: suppressing one's sexuality is damn difficult and the desire to communicate in a way that is most common is forever lost.

It's no wonder that less and less people are committing to relationships..........it's too time consuming in this day and age of media communication. Good luck to them I say.

Reading through the comments on various threads it is not difficult to determine how many asexual people are lonely though and very sad it is for us all.

Why dont you have sex with other people?

I can understand that she doesnt want sex, so you dont have sex with her. But she cant force you to live like an eunuchus and be celibate. I would never accept that if I was you. You could try to have sex with other people no matter if se likes it or not.

Yeah, like A.I. says, its called commitment. Also, when you love someone, as soon as you wander then you lose trust and trust my friend, is what commitments are all about. If you had read some of the earlier threads then you would have realised that I had a young family to raise, coupled with a severely disabled child. Although it's extremely frustrating, raising my family was far more important than poor sex. It's just sheer bad luck. Sometimes, people lose their S.O. to early death or illness. Would you walk away from your S.O. if she/he was suddenly diagnosed with MS? I would consider them to be a coward if that is the case.

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Doesn't it depend on the circumstances though? At the time of our problems I recognised my responsibilities as a parent as paramount as we had three children under the age of two, one severely disabled. As a Christian I couldn't let any selfishnesh in my own personal life get in the way of being a responsible parent and thus I stuck with the relationship I had with my wife. We are good friends now but nothing more than that. Having now thought through our pre-family relationship though I sort of realised that she was probably asexual all along but disguised it well and went along with the infrequent sex before we had children. I just thought she had a low libido at one stage but perhaps this was a smokescreen to hide her true self.

One thing I have now realised is that whilst many people say sex between partners is a small part of a relationship, they may not realise the importance of it for some.

As far as not talking about it, I think that is just rubbish. That is why wars occur..........no communication............... and it is communication that is always at the heart of any relationship.

If the partner chooses not to talk, then that's it - you just have to accept it. You can't make them, and it's their choice.

Seeing as you say you're a Christian, I suppose you're familiar with this saying:

God grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot changethe courageto change the things I can changeand the wisdomto tell one from the other.

I found that tis is one of the best lessons there is in life, especially in terms of relationships and social situations, in general.

Isn't that what I have done though..........accepted my position, albeit reluctantly? I'm only talking about my position on this site because my wife cannot or does not want to and it's a bit of a mental release to do so. The only thing that makes it slightly easier is that I know I am not alone. I can tell you this much though: suppressing one's sexuality is damn difficult and the desire to communicate in a way that is most common is forever lost.

It's no wonder that less and less people are committing to relationships..........it's too time consuming in this day and age of media communication. Good luck to them I say.

Reading through the comments on various threads it is not difficult to determine how many asexual people are lonely though and very sad it is for us all.

Why dont you have sex with other people?

I can understand that she doesnt want sex, so you dont have sex with her. But she cant force you to live like an eunuchus and be celibate. I would never accept that if I was you. You could try to have sex with other people no matter if se likes it or not.

Yeah, like A.I. says, its called commitment. Also, when you love someone, as soon as you wander then you lose trust and trust my friend, is what commitments are all about. If you had read some of the earlier threads then you would have realised that I had a young family to raise, coupled with a severely disabled child. Although it's extremely frustrating, raising my family was far more important than poor sex. It's just sheer bad luck. Sometimes, people lose their S.O. to early death or illness. Would you walk away from your S.O. if she/he was suddenly diagnosed with MS? I would consider them to be a coward if that is the case.

I'm sorry if I looked judgeamental, specialy since I dont know the details of your story. But in my opinion commitment is related with reciprocity and with context. Would you be commited to monogamy if your partner tells you tomorrow she is lesbian? I think that you cam still be commited from a parent point of view, continue to support her and your kids, even ñive together if you want, but I dont see why should be that bad or considered not commited to express your sexuality with pther people since she is not of your same sexual orientation.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Doesn't it depend on the circumstances though? At the time of our problems I recognised my responsibilities as a parent as paramount as we had three children under the age of two, one severely disabled. As a Christian I couldn't let any selfishnesh in my own personal life get in the way of being a responsible parent and thus I stuck with the relationship I had with my wife. We are good friends now but nothing more than that. Having now thought through our pre-family relationship though I sort of realised that she was probably asexual all along but disguised it well and went along with the infrequent sex before we had children. I just thought she had a low libido at one stage but perhaps this was a smokescreen to hide her true self.

One thing I have now realised is that whilst many people say sex between partners is a small part of a relationship, they may not realise the importance of it for some.

As far as not talking about it, I think that is just rubbish. That is why wars occur..........no communication............... and it is communication that is always at the heart of any relationship.

If the partner chooses not to talk, then that's it - you just have to accept it. You can't make them, and it's their choice.

Seeing as you say you're a Christian, I suppose you're familiar with this saying:

God grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot changethe courageto change the things I can changeand the wisdomto tell one from the other.

I found that tis is one of the best lessons there is in life, especially in terms of relationships and social situations, in general.

Isn't that what I have done though..........accepted my position, albeit reluctantly? I'm only talking about my position on this site because my wife cannot or does not want to and it's a bit of a mental release to do so. The only thing that makes it slightly easier is that I know I am not alone. I can tell you this much though: suppressing one's sexuality is damn difficult and the desire to communicate in a way that is most common is forever lost.

It's no wonder that less and less people are committing to relationships..........it's too time consuming in this day and age of media communication. Good luck to them I say.

Reading through the comments on various threads it is not difficult to determine how many asexual people are lonely though and very sad it is for us all.

Why dont you have sex with other people?

I can understand that she doesnt want sex, so you dont have sex with her. But she cant force you to live like an eunuchus and be celibate. I would never accept that if I was you. You could try to have sex with other people no matter if se likes it or not.

Yeah, like A.I. says, its called commitment. Also, when you love someone, as soon as you wander then you lose trust and trust my friend, is what commitments are all about. If you had read some of the earlier threads then you would have realised that I had a young family to raise, coupled with a severely disabled child. Although it's extremely frustrating, raising my family was far more important than poor sex. It's just sheer bad luck. Sometimes, people lose their S.O. to early death or illness. Would you walk away from your S.O. if she/he was suddenly diagnosed with MS? I would consider them to be a coward if that is the case.

I'm sorry if I looked judgeamental, specialy since I dont know the details of your story. But in my opinion commitment is related with reciprocity and with context. Would you be commited to monogamy if your partner tells you tomorrow she is lesbian? I think that you cam still be commited from a parent point of view, continue to support her and your kids, even ñive together if you want, but I dont see why should be that bad or considered not commited to express your sexuality with pther people since she is not of your same sexual orientation.

Well, in my case it doesn't really matter what sexual orientation she is. I'm already in a monogamous relationship so it doesn't make any difference. Don't get me wrong though...........I have been tempted on many occasions to wander but have always resisted due to my Christian upbringing. Besides, I've seen the damage done to children of wandering parents and I wouldn't want that for my kids. I don't want limited access or any other type of restriction to see MY kids in MY lifetime. Anyway, by the time you reach your sixties most men will have restricted access to sex anyway, unless they pay for it. It's just that my restrition came a little bit earlier. A bugger all the same.

BTW there seems to be a lot of hand wringing over the 'compromise' word. If you are the sexual and your partner is the asexual then YOU, in the majority of cases, are doing the compromising. Full stop.

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  • 3 months later...

I've been Married to an Asexual for 26 years. We didn't know for years that's what he was, by then it was too late, we had 2 kids. We bought a fixer upper house immediately after the Wedding, so that was the 1st excuse, then we started our own Business, 15 hour Work Days, 2nd excuse. 5 years later, Sex maybe 5 times"forced on my part", 2 kids Amazingly. So, for the next 15 years I went through so many emotions, is he gay, is he cheating, does he see Prostitutes? I went through depression, I started drinking. It got bad for a few years. I snapped out of it.  Once the kids started driving and became independent, I told him I was done. He begged to help him understand why he's like that. I researched til I figured it out. He's Asexual, he agrees. It can't be fixed. I'm living with it for now. Lucky, I was responsible for my own orgasm before I met him, and I've only gotten better, so I'll be fine.  Besides the lack of  Sex, kissing, touching, holding hands, really any intimacy at all. We have a good relationship, we get along, no arguing. He works hard and I do what I want. I Travel.......... Alone, I've been all over the Country, I drive. I take several road trips a year, and he never says anything. He has his own hobbies that keep him busy. He's Happy. We've had sex maybe 3 times in 15-20 years. I just get lonely for attention, he gives me none. He wonders why I'm always planning my next trip........hmmmm

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  • 2 weeks later...
Icebearpanda

My situation is that I just started dating an awesome asexual woman, who is younger than me and who has been upfront and open about her status, including the fact that she's very new to everything and not really sure how she identifies or exactly where on the asexuality spectrum she fits. I identify as bisexual and consider myself ethically non-monogamous. **Please Note because this happens in other places:I do not feel like educating anyone about how I live my life. Please keep your judgments to yourself and if you feel the need for more education I'm happy to provide links to books/articles/websites upon request so that you can educate yourself but I'm not going to engage in explanations**   I joined here because I don't know a lot about asexuality and wanted to inform myself (because that's my job, not my partner's) as well as find others who were maybe in similar situations. I find that I'm having to re-assess my defaults for how I approach dating and relationships (indicators of attraction, how to show affection, expectations/ideas about possible sex, to name a few). This is good in several ways, and very unsettling at the same time. I am very aware of the age difference and of the fact that she's still figuring things out. Which is fine, because I sure don't have relationships and my own identities all sorted out to a T either. This may evolve into a romantic relationship or maybe we'll just end up as friends, either of which is fine. What I do know is that I like talking to her, I like hearing her stories, I feel like I could be around her for hours on end (odd for my introvert self) and I am excited to spend time with her. 

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Hello, Icebearpanda, and welcome to AVEN.

This here is a good place to learn about many different kinds of asexuality and other people’s experience. Hope you find the answers you’re looking for.

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i've been in a relationship like this for 5 decades plus.    soooooo tiring and frustrating.   if i had it all to do over, i'd have quit early, kids or no kids.  now i'm too old, although sexual and capable.   she "donates" from time to time but never enjoys it.   sometimes i think it's me, sometimes i realize it's her.    nice lady but so cold it hurts.  coping by virtue of her "donations" and staying "busy" on other things..........and focusing on her good traits.    BUT, as she ages she is becoming soooooo oldladyish.............just adds to the frustration.

what to do......what to do .........??

sorry to whine but 50+ years ............imagine, if you can

 

On 9/15/2016 at 11:06 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Sounds like it went about as well as you could expect.

I've mentioned it to my (now) asexual wife in roughly the same kind of way, but making it very, very hypothetical, and she said she wouldn't like it as she'd feel she failed in the relationship, so I left it there at that point. I've gently suggested to her (at another time entirely) that she seemed like she could be asexual to me, and she just said 'hmmmm'. I'm not sure whether that was agreement, apathy, or ignorance. She's always been vaguely involved in the LGBT+ movement so she must've come across the term, but how much she knows, I have no idea.

I'm not at all sure she'd greet it with the equanimity your partner did, sadly.

seems to me that the asexual HAS failed in relationship 101.  advanced courses are precluded by this lack of prerequisite.............sad...........sorry to be "negative"

 

On 2/22/2008 at 4:56 PM, zita said:

Hello!

I am in desperate need of some advice. I am married to an asexual, but he won't recognize it, I have hurted him trying to make him recognize it and to get help. In the meantime I need to do something about my needs. What do you do about it? Helping myself is not enough and I feel empty and lonely.

Any advice will help. Thank you!!

you can't fix this, zita.    as my ace wife puts it "some things can't be fixed".  that's all the reason she needs for not making any effort at compromise. 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I've been with my Asexual, In Denial Husband for 28 years. He started with ALL Excuses, then the blame game. He has made too many promises, I Can't Even Bring Back to my memory!  It's useless to even think about trying to change them, and why would you want to. You have to live with it or move on. That's where I am, the kids are grown, we have No similar Hobby's.. and nothing in common........ Really :/  But he's god to me and takes care of me. I stayed home raised our kids, did the books for our business, and 100% Ran the house. Now, my job is done, and it's decision time, he knows it, we talk about it. I'm 52 and Bored.  

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  • 3 weeks later...

I have only just found out my wife is asexual and wants nothing more to do with sex, i am probably the exact opposite of that, no idea what to do or where to go.

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Lara Black
40 minutes ago, KevinJ said:

I have only just found out my wife is asexual and wants nothing more to do with sex, i am probably the exact opposite of that, no idea what to do or where to go.

Hello, Kevin, and welcome to AVEN.

Finding out such a thing can be quite a blow. Still, no one is forcing you to make any decisions right away.  You can research the matter (including reading the mixed couples' stories here), talk things through with your wife or start the commuication going if she's not yet comfortable with discussing it, and see how things go from here. 

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chair jockey
29 minutes ago, KevinJ said:

i guess thats why i am here, see where we go from here

Start with the fact that there cannot be a rulebook on getting along with other people in non-business situations, no matter what your relationship to them. This thread contains some great perspectives and a lot of very perceptive thinking about the various problems of mixed relationships, but everything in it is a description or analysis of someone's own experience or an observation on someone else's described experience as described. None of that can be used to derive general principles on proper conduct within a mixed relationship. The closest you can come to that is identify similarities to your own experience and be attentive to how your own experience still differs, then do a lot of hard thinking and if possible talking with your partner about it. Best of success to you.

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On 5/1/2017 at 11:20 PM, KevinJ said:

I have only just found out my wife is asexual and wants nothing more to do with sex, i am probably the exact opposite of that, no idea what to do or where to go.

KevinJ. I've been married to my asexual wife for 32 years with no sex for 26 of those. I love my wife but I feel that I have made a big sacrifice and compromise in our marriage although for her I don't know as she won't talk about it. The lack of any physical contact (just in case she misconstrues that I want to have sex) is a big issue and also knowing that I will never touch or cuddle her is always on my mind.

If you think you can handle that for the rest of your life, then fine. Otherwise, I suggest you go your own way. I had three young children and I didn't want them to grow up not knowing their dad when this bombshell hit me. 

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Icebearpanda
On 5/1/2017 at 6:20 PM, KevinJ said:

I have only just found out my wife is asexual and wants nothing more to do with sex, i am probably the exact opposite of that, no idea what to do or where to go.

 I'm a librarian, so I default to research when I'm faced with the unknown.  If you like reading, I'm finding the following book helpful: The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker. It even has a chapter titled " What if My Partner Just Said They're Asexual? What Do I Do?" that might be a good starting point.

I suggest trying to find it at your local library, or searching libraries around the country who may have it:http://www.worldcat.org/

Or if you want to buy a copy (and don't want to go thru Amazon):https://www.betterworldbooks.com/The-Invisible-Orientation--An-Introduction-to-Asexuality-id-9781631440021.aspx

 

 

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On 9/16/2016 at 9:54 PM, Sally said:

You do what you do when anyone doesn't want to talk about something: after trying several times, you recognize that it's their right to not talk about something. What are you going to do, bully them to get them to talk?

x

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  • 1 month later...
Ageless Goddess

Love comes in many forms. The four needs of the heart: Affection: a warm look, smile, kindness or touch, Attention: Being heard, seen, Appreciation: Appreciated for the kindness shown & willingness to communicate our needs, not wants.  Acceptance: Accepted for who we truly are, & who we are becoming. We are all unique & continue to be a work in progress energetically, spiritually, present in the now. We're all connected. I honor & value human kindness at a soul level. Namaste

 

I'm very new to this site, however, I find the stories of others very helpful in understanding myself as I continue this adventure called life.

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On 6/24/2017 at 1:38 PM, Ageless Goddess said:

Love comes in many forms. The four needs of the heart: Affection: a warm look, smile, kindness or touch, Attention: Being heard, seen, Appreciation: Appreciated for the kindness shown & willingness to communicate our needs, not wants.  Acceptance: Accepted for who we truly are, & who we are becoming. We are all unique & continue to be a work in progress energetically, spiritually, present in the now. We're all connected. I honor & value human kindness at a soul level. Namaste

 

I'm very new to this site, however, I find the stories of others very helpful in understanding myself as I continue this adventure called life.

You have a lovely vibe and can't wait to see more of your thoughts!

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Ageless Goddess

Thank you, GLRDT,  I love to learn from others as well as their experiences in this leg of my journey. I also love the quotes you selected. Namaste

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  • 2 months later...
TheSexualHusband
On ‎2005‎/‎03‎/‎25 at 9:40 PM, Rabger said:

Your bf sounds very closed minded and focuses on just himself. You're right, it doesn't sound like you have a "problem" with not wanting sex, he does. So it's HIS problem. Whether you are asexual or not, you don't have to be a sex freak just to make someone else happy. In relationships are you supposed to compromise, and it doesn't sound like he is willing to do that.

Not the right place for this guys. I read this thread in hopes of not having to hear the retoric that sexual partners are evil impersonated.  

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TheSexualHusband

The number of sexless marriages noted in recent research suggest that there is a great number of couples experiencing sexual problems which is not related to asexuality per se. Statistically it seems that only about 1% of the population is in the strictest definition asexual. The rest of men and woman showing a low or no interest in sex seems to simply be less interested in their partners for whatever reason, be it medical, psychological, physiological or mental. Menay of these can in fact be addressed with medicine or prefessional help or just good olf fasioned charm. Asexuality on the other hand can not.

By their own admission a great number of asexual people are reluctant to admit their sexuality to their partners. This creates an enormous amount of self-doubt, mistrust and frustration within the relationship, where the asexual partner denies their asexuality and offer some other excuse for their apparent lack of interest in sex. You must understand that people are generally optimistic, believing that they are able to find some remedy to the perceived problem. They tend to believe that they will be able to light the flame of lust somehow and rekindle the passion which in almost every instance was present at some point in the relationship. Naturally, if their partner is in fact asexual try as they might, they will not be able to do this anymore than the best of doctors is able to bring the dead back to life.

My 20 cents worth is simply this: if you are asexual, be honest about it from the first possible moment that the realization becomes clear. Do not allow hope where none is to be found. Allow your partner to decide if this is the kind of worst that he or she was supposed to anticipate when the marriage vows were spoken. More important, allow your partner the opportunity to decide if he or she can either be celibate or, if compromise sex is contemplated, be a rapist to a somewhat willing victim, for the lifetime of the relationship.

My frustration with my own marriage is that my wife denies that she is asexual, leaving me with a glimmer of hope that I might be able to bring the dead back to life. I continue to try, though, I am very close to pronouncing the date and time of death of what was once a very good marriage.

I know there is a great number of you reading this thinking that I am an awful person for needing sex in my relationship and being unwilling to compromise on this point. But there can be no compromise. There can only be celibacy or rape. Neither of those options are a compromise. I have tried both options on for size and found that, if left with no other choice, I prefer celibacy above compromise rape. Celibacy chokes the life out of my soul at a much slower pace. But it does choke the life out of my soul.

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18 hours ago, TheSexualHusband said:

The number of sexless marriages noted in recent research suggest that there is a great number of couples experiencing sexual problems which is not related to asexuality per se. Statistically it seems that only about 1% of the population is in the strictest definition asexual. The rest of men and woman showing a low or no interest in sex seems to simply be less interested in their partners for whatever reason, be it medical, psychological, physiological or mental. Menay of these can in fact be addressed with medicine or prefessional help or just good olf fasioned charm. Asexuality on the other hand can not.

By their own admission a great number of asexual people are reluctant to admit their sexuality to their partners. This creates an enormous amount of self-doubt, mistrust and frustration within the relationship, where the asexual partner denies their asexuality and offer some other excuse for their apparent lack of interest in sex. You must understand that people are generally optimistic, believing that they are able to find some remedy to the perceived problem. They tend to believe that they will be able to light the flame of lust somehow and rekindle the passion which in almost every instance was present at some point in the relationship. Naturally, if their partner is in fact asexual try as they might, they will not be able to do this anymore than the best of doctors is able to bring the dead back to life.

My 20 cents worth is simply this: if you are asexual, be honest about it from the first possible moment that the realization becomes clear. Do not allow hope where none is to be found. Allow your partner to decide if this is the kind of worst that he or she was supposed to anticipate when the marriage vows were spoken. More important, allow your partner the opportunity to decide if he or she can either be celibate or, if compromise sex is contemplated, be a rapist to a somewhat willing victim, for the lifetime of the relationship.

My frustration with my own marriage is that my wife denies that she is asexual, leaving me with a glimmer of hope that I might be able to bring the dead back to life. I continue to try, though, I am very close to pronouncing the date and time of death of what was once a very good marriage.

I know there is a great number of you reading this thinking that I am an awful person for needing sex in my relationship and being unwilling to compromise on this point. But there can be no compromise. There can only be celibacy or rape. Neither of those options are a compromise. I have tried both options on for size and found that, if left with no other choice, I prefer celibacy above compromise rape. Celibacy chokes the life out of my soul at a much slower pace. But it does choke the life out of my soul.

I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation. I do believe there can be compromise when the asexual person in question isn't  asexual sex repulsed. If they are sex repulsed there will most likely be no compromise and sex would perhaps feel like rape as you mentioned which I can see why that would be horrible for both involved. However, if the asexual person in question is a gray asexual and sex neutral or sex favorable like me, I know from experience that there is room for compromise. I'm sorry your wife is having trouble coming to terms with her sexuality and learning more about herself and what you both need or at least not talking about it. I hope you're able to work something out where you both can feel as happily balanced as possible!

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Sexual husband here  married to what I would call an asexual wife.  I agree with and see a lot of stuff here in these posts that makes my relationship with my wife understandable.  There just seems to be a lot of gray that goes with every "label" and only the person themselves can really know who and what they are.  And most likely needs help of some sort to figure it out.  And they have to want to figure it out.  Medically and/or psychologically.  If they won't do that then all of the trying and compromise will be in vane. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
polywantsacracker
On 1/24/2005 at 2:02 PM, Guest new guy35 said:

Due to all the times sexual pleasure has been denied to me by my sexy wife, I have felt rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so). 

I've been feeling that for the last 5 years.  Borderline suicidal at one point.  However, I have been sexually active outside of the marriage as of a year ago.  It's made life bearable for me.  The morality police can be as outraged as they want to be but I have started feeling human again.  Monogamy....never again.

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Hi. I'm new here. Not sure where to look or write. I know Facebook well. I don't know forums well at all. Hopefully I get a notification if anyone responds. I'm very sexual and am in a relationship with someone who hasn't been interested in sex for about 3 years. We've been together for about 3 years and 10 months. Over the past 3 years, we've had sex maybe 4 times. The last time was over a year ago. Ive never cheated on her but I really miss sex. I masturbate but it's not the same. I'm now not feeling as sexually attracted to her. I think this is because I've had to let that desire for her go. The difficulty is that we get on really well and she is only allowed to stay in Australia on a partner visa. She is not an Australian citizen. It's a really hard situation.  I've been looking for a counselling service to assist us work through things but haven't been successful. Any words of wisdom would be great. Thanks for hearing me out. 

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Treesarepretty

Hello @Justsomeguy, have some :cake:

 

You get norifications if you start a thread and someone responds, if someone tags you, like I have done, or if someone quotes you using the icon at the bottom of your post. 

 

I feel for you and will start by telling you the thing that you will hear most often on this forum: you need to talk to her about it. Whether she is asexual, or grey ace, or sexual or whatever is something that only she will really know. These labels themselves only really exist to aid in communication about sexuality and romance, which just emphasizes the need for you to talk to her. As for couples' therapists/counsellors? I haven't convinced my wife to go to one yet, so I don't know how useful they are. Maybe you and I can go through at the same time and be like cosmonaughts! 

 

In any case, good luck. You should probably look in the "Compromise" thread for compromise ideas and start your own thread giving a bit more of your story. It is easier for the story of someone asking for help to get lost in a thread with 23 pages of posts than a thread that has 5 posts, which means you will likely get more responses if you start your own thread. 

 

Good luck. 😁

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22 hours ago, Justsomeguy said:

Hi. I'm new here. Not sure where to look or write. I know Facebook well. I don't know forums well at all. Hopefully I get a notification if anyone responds. I'm very sexual and am in a relationship with someone who hasn't been interested in sex for about 3 years. We've been together for about 3 years and 10 months. Over the past 3 years, we've had sex maybe 4 times. The last time was over a year ago. Ive never cheated on her but I really miss sex. I masturbate but it's not the same. I'm now not feeling as sexually attracted to her. I think this is because I've had to let that desire for her go. The difficulty is that we get on really well and she is only allowed to stay in Australia on a partner visa. She is not an Australian citizen. It's a really hard situation.  I've been looking for a counselling service to assist us work through things but haven't been successful. Any words of wisdom would be great. Thanks for hearing me out. 

I'm in similar situation if you want to message me. I mean I'm the gray asexual in the relationship and my boyfriend is the sexual one and he is Mexican citizen and I'm a US one. But we might be able to share stories. Or what not and maybe learn from each other.

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  • 1 month later...

G'day everyone, 

 

 

I don't know where to start but I am writing this hoping to get some help.

I would like to share my story with you. I am a mid 30 straight male. I got married when I was 20 years old, she was 19. I am from a culture where marriage is a strong bond and divorce is a big social problem. I must admit I fall in love with her. From the very beginning, there was something missing in between us. She was calm and quiet, keeping things to herself whereas I was active, warm, passionate and full of energy and adventure. It didn't take long to find out it is a one-way relationship. I wasn't receiving the love and passion I was expressing to her. I soon felt the gap. It took me a while to find out what I want to do in my life. Being from a traditional family has always stopped me to even think about divorce although I felt the need desperately from every stage. There was something missing in my life. There was no love, no intimacy, no passion, I was feeling a huge emotional gap in my life. This was very clear in my day to day life and interactions with opposite sex. As soon as I was close to a female friend, I started to develop emotion and feeling towards her. Many times I kept this romantic attraction hidden but I always questioned myself. I have strong values that consider myself strongly committed to them. What was missing in my life? Trying to buy flowers, giving her pleasant surprises and stick to the common rules of keeping the relationship moving, but it has always been a one-way journey. 

On the positive side, however, she has always been a good company. What I mean is she enjoys outdoor and adventures as I do and is easygoing. She has been accommodating my sexual needs even though there has always been a complaint about me being too active sexually. We have kept ourselves busy with my ambitions and dreams. I wanted to further my education and then migrated to Australia. For over 5 years we have been busy exploring Australia together and I have always tried to manage the gaps with other things, focus on things we both enjoy and try to ignore, forget and suppress feeling and emotions. 

 

Eventually, I thought having a child can change the course of events in my life. But it worked out to be totally opposite. Our first child born and the second one immediately after with no plan for it took us as a surprise. It was against our value to go for a termination, even though we discussed the option. Our life was completely screwed. By time passing and children getting older we didn't have time to do activities we used to and the emotional gap got bigger and bigger. We were separated for a short time but I couldn't stand life without my children and she tried to take them away and it was a constant struggle. We tried to manage a mutually beneficial relationship and living together now. 

I could see how she grow both mentally and emotionally, built herself a successful career and being an excellent mum. I tried to focus on children and divert all this emotion and love to them but inside I was being anxious and depressed with low self-confidence and emotionally broken and dissatisfied.  

Whenever we talk or argue about this, during our conversation, she always insists that she enjoys every aspect of the relationship with me and it is me that is not satisfied and still exploring.  Its been a constant struggle to be on the dark side and get along with contradictions. For a while, I also thought she may be a lesbian. I have always been an advocate to be open and honest with your sexual orientation. We spoke and she said she is clearly not a lesbian. And this story was going on and on, an extremely cold and lifeless relationship with all those things you already know. 

I have recently read an article about Asexuality and emailed it to her. Apparently, she has since been reading and researching this topic for weeks. The sun has finally come out and shed light on this dark side of our relationship. I am saying dark as I did really suffer many aspects of it for a long time. She has made it clear that she has never been sexually attracted to anyone. Never even sexually thought of any man or woman in her entire life. Never been turned on, no heart bit no desire.  She made it clear that she married me as I was a right option at the time and she liked some aspect of my personality and most of all it was time for her to get married. She never felt intimacy or love in that way with me. She has also revealed that she shared this with our family doctor and was told that she has to accommodate my sexual needs as a duty of care! (What a Doctor!).  She said she never enjoyed having sex with me and has always been pretending and faking everything to keep me happy. She now is happy for me to chose my way and is sorry for everything. 

Now, as a matter of fact, I have been lied to, deceived, been incriminated for everything wrong in our relationship,  besides the feeling that I sexually imposed myself on someone with different sexual orientation for over a decade. She was extremely controlling and I got subjected to domestic violence because I was lonely and was in contact with few females I knew through facebook and etc.   I felt completely broken. It's too late and scary to start all over again. I don't possess the quality and youth to attract a female of my standards anymore. It feels that I have to accept my fate. Please let me know if there is anything that can make things better.

Thank you for listening to me. 

I also shared this as a topic but since I didn't get much reply, I am sharing it here. 

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On 1/24/2005 at 3:02 PM, Guest new guy35 said:

I am very sexual and my wife is asexual (opposites attract).

I thought for a time, I was not being loving enough to get her 'in the mood', I tried more romance, I tried more gifts, I tried being especially kind and giving to help her feel more secure in our relationship, I tried and tried because I didn't understand asexuality. I thought for a while that it was just because I was a guy and guys want sex all the time while women are different that way. I thought she was being pure and stubborn against my desire on purpose.

Due to all the times sexual pleasure has been denied to me by my sexy wife, I have felt rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so). It is so hard for me to be with her at times when I feel sex would be so natural only to have her ignore the whole topic. It actually hurts to be put in touch with my own sexuality so much when I am not receiving the physical contact from her I desire.

Before we got married, she acted sexual to please me. After we got married, her sex drive has gotten almost non-existent, so at times I feel tricked into marriage. I also feel sometimes that she is being asexual to punish me for something I did wrong. Now, I realize she and I are on opposite sides of the bell curve when it comes to sex drive and I am trying to deal with it by obstaining (just as she deals with my sexuality by having sex once in a while).

I also thought sex was central to a relationship and I am learning there are other factors that make our relationship intimate. I am trying to change my mind in my need for sexual contact as validation/ acknowledgement. It is difficult when most TV and movies depict a guy having sex as his reward for being a winner. No sex, feels like a punishment for being a loser at times. Our culture pushes sex a lot as the norm so not having any feels like I don't get to play like the others do.

It is so hard to find a person that matches what we want in a partner on every level . I searched for 2o years before finally setttling down. My wife has most things I need and a strong sexual attraction just isn't one of them. I feel secure when other guys come after her though. I do not always know what to do when the desire for sex hits me and doesn't hit her. She and I talk about so many other things but sex isn't one of them (oddly?) She claims she enjoys it and then doesn't want any. So what am I supposed to do?

Had she been more honest with me (and herself) about it or I had been less confident in my ability to make her 'want sex', we might not have gotten married. Perhaps, it is how love is for us. We love each other despite our major differences.

A sexy, asexual woman supports the saying, "what you see isn't always what you get."

So I didnt think I would find someone on here that would know my story, but yours copies mine to a t.....everything you wrote is how i feel.  The difference is, my wife now wants an open marriage, with rules, so I can get what i need, and she doesnt have to feel guilty that she cant fulfill this part of our marriage...i cant deal with this....

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On 24/6/2017 at 8:38 PM, Ageless Goddess said:

Love comes in many forms. The four needs of the heart: Affection: a warm look, smile, kindness or touch, Attention: Being heard, seen, Appreciation: Appreciated for the kindness shown & willingness to communicate our needs, not wants.  Acceptance: Accepted for who we truly are, & who we are becoming. We are all unique & continue to be a work in progress energetically, spiritually, present in the now. We're all connected. I honor & value human kindness at a soul level. Namaste

 

I'm very new to this site, however, I find the stories of others very helpful in understanding myself as I continue this adventure called life.

@Ageless Goddess. OMG!

affection: this is what I want us to get back to. More smiles, more hugs. Perhaps less sex is the way!?

appreciation: communication is key here! “I would like...”  and “thank you for...” perhaps wording something out “I bougth you this soft drink from the mall, since I thought you migth like it”

acceptance: it is ok, that you realized that you are ‘meh’ and ‘no thanks’ about sex. But you have to be honest about it. Dont say yes if you think no, please. It makes it hard to know what to accept. I will not put on further stress on you, regarding sex. Meaning that you only have to think about me being sexual and wanting sex as in the plan we both agreed upon. 

Attention: I ask about your job, how you feel, what you are knitting, if you are okay with me doing this sexual thing today... I usually follow your stories up with a question. I think you rarely ask about my job, my hobbies, my sex life. I wonder if you dont care or if you are just so much in your “me-bubble” or if you are afraid of where the talk migth take us. 

 

I still feel like I am the lucky one to be with her, though! 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...
PolyamerousTantric

As a sexual, one thing I noticed is that my asexual wife sees sex very differently than I do.  She sees it as something of a biological act and from this perspective finds it to be a little bit gross and unappealing.

 

When you look at sex by itself, it is actually a little gross, but there is something missing that shifts sex into something beautiful that is absent in my wife's experience.  The chemistry or spark between people, that feels like a powerful magnetic attraction, seems to decorate sex in a way that makes it seem quite beautiful.  This chemistry is usually the thing that women go on and on about as if it's the only thing about sex that they really care about.  Men experience it too, though they rarely pay as much attention to it.  Let's just say, if you are really tuned in to this, you won't be in any hurry to skip the for play.  

 

I would define sexuality as two opposing forces attracting towards each other and all of the subtle effects related to that.  

 

A good example of this is that for me, when I see a beautiful woman, especially if she is being sexy in her presentation, I feel my body reacting by producing some kind of fire.  That's part of my sexuality and this fire is energy that will drive me.  Maybe this fire keeps me awake so that I can have a great conversation!  The fire is like creative energy in it's most raw form.

 

As far as I can tell, asexual people do not respond this way.  They appreciate affection, but do not feel much if any attraction or sexual response.  

 

The biggest danger here is that a man's body can figure out when a woman is not a sexual possibility.  This has happened with me and my asexual wife.  Now my body tends to want to just go to sleep around her.  It has become much more difficult to satisfy her needs as an intellectual who wants to have a good conversation.  

 

So basically, a man's body will foolishly donate tons of creative energy if there's even a possibility of sex.  Once that possibility is completely extinguished, there are bound to be some problems.  

 

Even if my wife doesn't care about sexuality, she absolutely cares about the way I use my sexual energy to satisfy her in other ways such as mental stimulation.   

 

I wish that I could instruct my body to respond to her the way it responds to other women that it foolishly sees as sexual possibilities.  That would make everything much easier for me because I wouldn't feel so drained interacting with her.  

 

Observing how this works, I have come to believe that sexual energy is the most powerful motivating force within the human experience.  How one works with and channels this energy will be a huge factor in their lives. 

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