Monogamous or not?

[KKinDK]

Ok, this is my first post here...and I hope this doesn't rub anyone the wrong way...

I am a sexual woman married to an asexual man who I love very much. I would prefer a monogamous relationship, but being in a sexless relationship has caused me to re-evaluate what fidelity really means. I have read a lot of other posters comments about love and monogamy, etc. but if you're asexual, do you really equate sex with love? I love my husband and would prefer not to share my body with anyone else, but being that sex is not something he enjoys, I wonder why it would be so terrible if I were to share it with someone else. I'm talking about sex for a sexual person's physical needs and nothing else. I feel like there is a distinct possibility that I would be a better partner to my spouse if I weren't so sexually frustrated all the time. Can someone explain to me what the meaning of sex is to someone that doesn't want to have it? I am SOOO confused!

[nleseul]

I love my husband and would prefer not to share my body with anyone else, but being that sex is not something he enjoys, I wonder why it would be so terrible if I were to share it with someone else. I'm talking about sex for a sexual person's physical needs and nothing else. I feel like there is a distinct possibility that I would be a better partner to my spouse if I weren't so sexually frustrated all the time. Can someone explain to me what the meaning of sex is to someone that doesn't want to have it? I am SOOO confused!

Well, it can be very difficult to have sex just for your physical needs without developing an emotional connection to your sexual partner as well. (I think there was some recent movie called No Strings Attached that explored that dynamic? I don't know.) So even if sex means nothing to your husband, he might still reasonably feel that the possibility of you accidentally falling for your sexual partner would still make such an arrangement a danger to the stability of your relationship.

There's also the fact that having other sexual partners would mean you and your husband would have to be a lot more careful about sticking to safer sex practices, which also seems like a fair reason why he might object.

[Måskemigselvetsted]

Can someone explain to me what the meaning of sex is to someone that doesn't want to have it? I am SOOO confused!

There are quite a few asexuals in here who doesn't mind there partner finding sex outside of the relationship if all involved are open about it.

One of the reasons an asexual might not want this is that even though sex may not seem like a great deal for oneself, we know that for most sexual people it is. It's supposed to be something intimate, special thing you share with someone you truly love, right? So maybe the "truly love" part isn't there in the beginning, but if the sexual get something which for her/him is really intimate, maybe their relationship will progress because of it? And for most people sex does influence some hormones or something which makes you feel commited to the partner - at least that's what I think I read somewhere..

Besides, humans are often irrational..

[nleseul]

And for most people sex does influence some hormones or something which makes you feel commited to the partner - at least that's what I think I read somewhere..

Yeah. Oxytocin. Of course, studies connecting oxytocin to anything and everything seem to be in vogue these days, so it's hard to say how meaningful that really is.

[KKinDK]

Ok, so what it sounds like to me is mostly an issue of trust. It's not so much that a person is having a sexual experience with someone else, but lack of trust that a person can have a sexual relationship without being more personally involved and thus distancing oneself from their asexual partner. It almost seems like a double standard to me...since I am clearly able to be in love and want to stay with my husband even though we don't have sex. We are able to love very deeply without sex. I understand that there are many people that can't separate the two, but I think people involved in relationships outside the social "norm" are people that are already doing things differently. I personally don't have any trouble with distinguishing sex from love. I have rarely loved people that I had sex with...one might even say that the strength of my love for my partner is such because it has been based on things other than the physical.

I haven't talked with my husband about these feelings yet, which is why I'm here. I want to start a dialogue about it, but I want to know and understand more before I say something that could hurt him. I am willing to continue as we are if thats what it takes for him to feel safe in our relationship, but we both know that its causing a lot of tension and I think it makes for fights that don't really need to be happening. I have been searching the Q & A area and haven't come across very much information from others in asexual/sexual relationships, so if anyone has advice or suggestions on areas I might search, please let me know. Thanks for your responses! KK

[Member33070]

For me, I don't equate sex with love, for sure. But I feel like it should happen with people you care about a lot - I'm not really a fan of casual sex situations. But that may be just because I don't understand it. If I had that sexual hunger (which I don't), I'd probably think it was just fine. *shrug*

edit: I now have sexual hunger and do understand the concept but still don't want to try it myself. /edit

If I were to allow a future husband to have someone else he pursued a sexual relationship with, my main concern would be trust. I wouldn't want him to stop caring about me, or care about me less because he had this other person. And I would get jealous that I couldn't properly provide that sexual experience for him, and probably be rude to him and/or the other person about it, even though I wouldn't want to, really, deep down.

I think the more one tries to see sexual urges as a "hunger" and the actual act as "eating" or something, the whole concept makes a lot more sense - to me, anyway. I can't go for very long without eating when I'm hungry, and it gets to the point where I'll eat anything that's around to satisfy my hunger. I can imagine an appetite like this in sexual terms, where the sexual person wasn't actually in love with the person they were having sex with, and more like just filling a need, but it's hard to wrap my head around sometimes.

edit: Still a little tough to wrap my head around, but the analogy works.

[SquirrelCat]

I'm not sure what I prefer.

I don't think I could handle more than one... more than one would too much of a strain on my energy (I'm too selfish) but I wouldn't mind allowing my partner/friend (I'm aromantic) have other relationships on the side, as long as they alway come back to me...

[Salmacis]

Monogamy. I am hopelessly jealous and obsessive. I try to keep my boyfriend sexually satisfied as often as possible, so he won't ever feel the need to look elsewhere (though this doesn't always work). I can't help but think that if he wants to have sex with other people, then it's because I have failed as a girlfriend to satisfy him. Sad, but true. -_-

[Addicted2Oreos]

I chose monogamy, simply because I don't think I could handle the jealousy factor...even if everything was well outlined beforehand.

Edit: although I can see the appeal of some sort of poly situation.

Yes, this. Unfortunately I'm a jealous person by nature. I'm also very shy, so I'm quite sure the other person/people would find more partners faster than I would.

[skenasis]

Monogamy for me. I'm currently in a committed monogamous relationship, and don't see that changing. I don't think I could handle polyamory, as I always feel like a third wheel even among my close friends. I can see how it would work for others, though :)

[{deleted}]

I don't like this whole partnering up business. I have no problems with everybody else being into it, but I personally am not very enthused by it. I just don't really get it *shrugs*

[Guest]

Monogamous because if there was more than one partner involved my brain would literally tear me to pieces over it.

[never odd or even]

not the jealous type. in fact, i really hate it.

so i'm not adverse to something outside the norm, as long as it works, if not it needs to change.

that said, i have enough trouble handling myself in a relationship, let alone another person or even the relationship as an entity...

in short, yeah, i'm not adverse, but i have yet to handle a monogamous relationship first :lol:

[(Nightlight)]

Monogamous.

[bristrek]

I don't care if it's poly or mono. I'd prefer fidelity but the mono or poly bit I don't really care about and could go for either one.

[Guest member25959]

Polyamory...

[trany101]

I prefer a mixture of polyfidelity and polyamoury. I give my partners the power of veto. I tend to be attracted to people who are bad for me (stalkers, abusive, etc) and I am generally blind to it at first. My other partner(s) can veot the new person with a reason and I won't be allowed to be with that person. A good reason would be "Susy threatened me", but a bad reason would be "I don't like Susy". It requires communication and sharing of details that you may not want to share, but I find it is worth it. So far it has worked out as I have only used veto once and have never had it used on me.

[Guest]

Definitely polyamory here. I'm all fine with being alone, but if a partnership becomes an option, it will be poly, end of story; the other options in the poll (including polyfidelity) are not even negotiable for me personally. (I'm fine with being platonic friends with anyone who holds them, but someone who does won't show up on my "potential partners" list, ever.)

[5_♦♣]

Unpartnered. Though, polyamory would be my ideal if I were to ever find myself in a relationship.

[777777777]

Unpartnered. :D

[Boo42069yomomma]

I'm WAY too jealous not to be monogamous..

I'm in the same field as this fine gent.

Also, Superjail! is the best show ever! (besides MLP)

[Bye Bye Birdy]

Monogamy, absolutely. There's a snippet from one of my favorite plays that sort of echoes my sentiment:

"What I want is someone I can count on forever.

I look around at all my friends

they're all looking for another conquest

but to me the greatest adventure of all

is absolute fidelity.

Someone you know is there for you

no matter what

and to whom you can be faithful, too

because

of all human qualities

that is the finest quality of all

to give and receive absolute trust

a person is never more vulnerable

than when he gives his life to another in this way

and never more protected

Faithfulness:

then you know

you've transcended the messiness of daily life

and achieved something immortal."

I don't think it's quite that simple, but sometimes I need to believe in a little idealism. Another quote (this time from a song) expresses more exactly what my ideal relationship would be: "I don't want to be the only one you know, I want to be the place you call home." I want my partner to have a great family of friends they can relate to apart from me, but I want home to be with me.

[JAKQ7111]

I don't like exclusive monogamy, because I am known to have multiple crushes/squishes at once, and if I was in a monogamous relationship, that would not go over well with my partner.

On the other hand, polyamory can be confusing to keep track of, and would require very close, accurate communication between all parties involved. I guess if I had to pick some level of exclusivity, I would go with an open relationship, which I guess is polyamory, but not exactly. I don't like defining relationships, I guess. It's confusing.

[Notte stellata]

I think I'm one of the few vocally polyamorous or pro-poly AVENites, so it goes without saying what I choose. ;)

The semantics can be confusing though. From my understanding, polyfidelity is one specific type of polyamory. But I've seen people using these two terms as mutually exclusive.

On the other hand, polyamory can be confusing to keep track of, and would require very close, accurate communication between all parties involved. I guess if I had to pick some level of exclusivity, I would go with an open relationship, which I guess is polyamory, but not exactly.

The difference between polyamory and open relationship is another confusing one. Everyone uses them differently...By "open relationship", do you mean sexually open but emotionally exclusive, or something else? Personally, I think there's an overlap between polyamory and open relationship - a couple dating others separately can be called both open and poly. But I usually say I'm poly, in case some people think open relationship means only sexually open.

[JAKQ7111]

I think I'm one of the few vocally polyamorous or pro-poly AVENites, so it goes without saying what I choose. ;)

The semantics can be confusing though. From my understanding, polyfidelity is one specific type of polyamory. But I've seen people using these two terms as mutually exclusive.

On the other hand, polyamory can be confusing to keep track of, and would require very close, accurate communication between all parties involved. I guess if I had to pick some level of exclusivity, I would go with an open relationship, which I guess is polyamory, but not exactly.

The difference between polyamory and open relationship is another confusing one. Everyone uses them differently...By "open relationship", do you mean sexually open but emotionally exclusive, or something else? Personally, I think there's an overlap between polyamory and open relationship - a couple dating others separately can be called both open and poly. But I usually say I'm poly, in case some people think open relationship means only sexually open.

I think I mean open in the sense of emotionally open, and physically debatable (I'm aversive ace, so no sexual anything for me!). I guess I'd like the freedom to enjoy whatever crush/squish I get, without having to worry about a jealous partner, or consider it cheating. What this means, I don't know, but I voted for "something else entirely" on the poll, so make of that what you will. Keep in mind that I'm only nineteen, and have ZERO interest in a serious, committed relationship/marriage, so my age may have something to do with something.

[Notte stellata]

I think I mean open in the sense of emotionally open, and physically debatable (I'm aversive ace, so no sexual anything for me!). I guess I'd like the freedom to enjoy whatever crush/squish I get, without having to worry about a jealous partner, or consider it cheating.

Oh yeah, emotionally open is really all I need. I don't care about the sexual part. But my partner is sexual, and I'm not sex-repulsed, so we're sexually open as well (but I don't need to take advantage of that if I find another asexual partner :lol: ). I noticed a lot of AVENites use "open relationship" in the "only sexually open" sense, e.g. in a mixed relationship, the ace allows the sexual partner to get sex elsewhere, but still requires emotional monogamy.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Polyamorous.

I used to be monogamous, but then a whole bunch of things came together for me over the past year and connected the dots as to why polyamory is more natural for me. Some of it is connected to my being demisexual/ace, but not entirely.

[Guest]

The semantics can be confusing though. From my understanding, polyfidelity is one specific type of polyamory. But I've seen people using these two terms as mutually exclusive.

Yup, like me. :) I see polyfi as very different than polyamory; you're (generic you) still making a demand that everyone outside the polyfi group remain forbidden to share love with. To me, that feels closer to "multimonogamy" than to poly, and I reject both for my life for much the same reasons.

[Nekomata]

Monogamy~ One person is basically all I need, and I don't even need friends other than them either *shrugs*

[Atuin]

Poly in the direction of polyfi - open to multiple relationships, other partner(s) must agree to particular relationships that begin, no veto power once relationships have begun, cannot start relationships without them knowing about it, must have close metamour relationships, do not have to have (or expect) full polyfi set up.

So basically where we are now is like a triad except that one of the links is not at all even a romantic connection, it works rather great for us. There's me and my boyfriend, him and his other girlfriend, and his other girlfriend and me are very close friends.

This is not only the set up that we're currently in, but most of that is because its what is natural and comfortable and required for me.