I love my wife but don't know what to say or do

[Pierrot le Fou]

I am new to this forum. I am 41 years old married for 8 years to a woman I am coming to believe is asexual, perhaps demisexual.

In many ways she feels like a true soul mate. I searched a long time to find someone to whom I could relate to on such a deep intellectual, spiritual and artistic level. We didn’t date very long before getting married, in fact she was pregnant when we did get married, less than a year after first dating.

Now it is eight years later, our daughter is the light of our lives.

I continue to adore my wife on many levels but…

We have almost NO physical/sexual relationship. We often go weeks or months without sex. When we do have sex it is quite awkward and strange.

For years I’ve wondered why it is that she cannot reach an orgasm unless she turns her back to me and masturbates after I have come. I have never told her but when we do make love it feels as if she isn’t really there.

Now that I’ve found this site I realize that she probably has been forcing herself to do something she doesn’t really enjoy.

Before finding this site I thought that she was behaving in a hostile way towards me. I admit I returned the perceived hostility with outright hostility.

I also vacillated between thinking she was being hostile to me because of my shortcoming as a breadwinner, and thinking that I deserved her hostility because of my financial shortcomings. She claims this is definitely not the case. She says she loves me no matter how much money I make, but why can’t she have sex with me more than once a month?

Okay, that is what I felt before finding the AVEN site. It is a little more clear to me now.

I love her more than anything. I can live without the sex. (I can still masturbate right?)

But how do I get her to at least look at this site?

When I have brought up in the past that there might be a problem with our sex life she becomes angry and defensive. She says its because she is so tired and hates her job so much, etc.

I just don’t know what to do. I love my wife. I don’t want to end this marriage. Is there anyone else out there in my position? What did you do? How did you get through it?

[Not-You]

I m in your position. Not exactly, but pretty darn close. Feel free to send me a private message. I am currently driving, so I probably shouldn't even be doing this right now. Just suffice it to say that, for now, it's really really hard and there a lot of things you're gonna have to think about. There are a few men in our position on this website.

I will have some better insight for you later, when I am not trying to avoid hitting deer.

[Sally]

Hi, Pierrot. I'm an older asexual woman and had both a marriage and then a long-term relationship; neither men knew I was asexual because I didn't know. Probably most asexuals don't know they are such because the term isn't commonly known.

This is pure speculation because obviously I don't know her. But it's possible that she may be embarassed and guilty about something being "wrong" with her. She may also be afraid that if she looks at AVEN, it will confirm that something is wrong with her. She probably realizes that most people like sex (since it's foisted on us by every known media and people talk about it constantly), and that if she doesn't, she's the outlier.

Maybe you need to think about what you want from this. I don't mean the relationship, because it sounds like you deeply love her, and you say that a lack sex wouldn't be hampering. Do you want her to recognize what's going on with her -- in effect, name it, admit to it? And does she know (through your telling her) that a lack of sex wouldn't drive you away from her?

I can only suggest that before you ask her again to look at AVEN, you reassure her that you love her as she is, and that if she does come to an understanding that she is asexual (which we can't know, as that should be her determination), that will not change your feeling about her.

Good luck -- you seem like an exceptionally nice guy who is happy to have met someone who is so compatible with you, and simply wants to get some things out in the open. That probably will happen but will take a little sensitivity.

[AmusedByMusic]

I think that's one of the hardest things when it comes to asexuals and its subcategories. Sexuals, like yourself, probably feel that sex/making love is a reassurance of that love between you two, correct? On top of that I'm sure it's enjoyable. (I say that, because I myself am asexual/possibility for demisexual.) I made a lot of mistakes with my last relationship (a male sexual). I didn't realize I was asexual until we had already been together for quite some time. Everyone kept telling me, "oh, you'll start to enjoy it the more and more you do it, the closer you get emotionally, etc.." but I never did. In fact, it was just harder and harder for me to do it. I was in love with him, but for some reason just couldn't get there...I thought I was gay maybe, so I tried putting my mind elsewhere but it didn't change.

From what it sounds like, your wife probably isn't demisexual, unless you think that after 8 years you two are not very close emotionally. But before you assume she is asexual, there is always a chance that it is physical, not mental. My mother went through something similar (and I hear a lot of married woman do after years go by). If her job in fact is very stressful, or she typically isn't in a great mood, depression is something that should be looked into. A lot of times it lowers libido. There's also changes in hormones as women get older, and other things that could possibly do that.

I wish I had been in your shoes to give you advice, but the one thing I can say is that if she has even thought to herself that this is a possibility, she's probably feeling like there's something wrong with her, and no one wants to feel that way. I think that your approach should be along the lines of "I love you so much, you're my soul mate, I'm just wondering is there something I can do or change to make you happy when it comes to our sex life..." if she gets defensive, try telling her how it's making you feel. Ask her if she really truly believes its the stress of her job, etc...I hope it doesn't cause a fight, and if she continues to be defensive, you'll just have to stay patient, let her know you're there for her and continue to get support from this site. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever want a woman's opinion who is asexual, I'm here for you

[Treval]

Okay, both Sally and AmusedbyMusic have said most of what I'd say, far more eloquently than I would, but there's one thing that stood out in your post that I don't think was mentioned that might be a factor too.

When I have brought up in the past that there might be a problem with our sex life she becomes angry and defensive. She says its because she is so tired and hates her job so much, etc.

How did you mention it? Is it possible that she felt you were implying that what was 'wrong' was her fault? If that's what happened I can see why she might get defensive - I'd probably feel the same way she did if I thought my SO was implying something like that as well, honestly.

I do hope something works out for you.

[Pierrot le Fou]

Hi Sally, Thank you so much for your insight.

I have a few questions for you. When you were married did you have difficulty with being demonstrative i.e. hugging, kissing, holding hands. My wife and I have never had this in our relationship. I guess I could live without the sex if there were more physicality but... there isn't.

Was this something you experienced?

I think you are correct when you said she feels like something is wrong with her. She often apologizes for not being a good wife or for the lack of sex in our marriage. It comes out like, "I'm sorry I fell asleep last night, or I'm sorry I was not in the mood." I used to think she was being hostile when she said those things but I am coming to believe that she really is sorry. I think she feels badly and it kills me because I love her so much.

I guess the truth is I don't really know what I want or expect to get if she were to "Come out" so to speak. A part of me is scared to death that she will just decide she doesn't want to be married.

Once about three of four years ago we had another one our arguments about sex. I actually started crying because I couldn't take the tension anymore and she told me that she was worried that she didn't love me as much as I loved her.

The thing thing is I don't think she meant it that way. At the time she asked me if I wanted a divorce and I said definitely not. I see now that perhaps she was trying to say, then, that she could not love me in the same way that I love her.

What does she really get from coming out anyway? A label? If she is indeed Asexual is this really her problem or just my problem to figure out how to deal with?

Anyhow thank you very much Sally for your kind words.

[Pierrot le Fou]

"I think that's one of the hardest things when it comes to asexuals and its subcategories. Sexuals, like yourself, probably feel that sex/making love is a reassurance of that love between you two, correct?"

Wow, AmusedbyMusic you really nailed it! I need the sex (and other physical things, holding hands, kissing etc.) without those things I feel like our marriage is more like two roommates. I often have the emotional sensation of being in total freefall. You know how infants scream when they aren't swadled? Like that.

"Everyone kept telling me, "oh, you'll start to enjoy it the more and more you do it, the closer you get emotionally, etc.." but I never did. In fact, it was just harder and harder for me to do it. I was in love with him, but for some reason just couldn't get there...I thought I was gay maybe, so I tried putting my mind elsewhere but it didn't change. "

Here again AmusedbyMusic You nail it again! My wife has had the same questions. She wonders if she is gay or bisexual but she doesn't seem to have a desire to act on those thoughts or fantasies.

"From what it sounds like, your wife probably isn't demisexual, unless you think that after 8 years you two are not very close emotionally. "

Here is the thing, we are close. I could listen to her talk all day. We have great conversations ALL THE TIME. If she and I were two computers we would have the perfect marriage. She is artistic and sexy so I picture her as an imac. I am outdated a bit obscure (with a few fans) so of course I'd be a Commodor 64. Taking this metaphor to ridiculous lengths but you get the idea. We are not computers. We are people. So what do we do? It is so weird to me that she and I could spend half the night sitting talking about some obscure movie or book, really deep stuff (after 8 years of marriage of I never get tired of listening or talking to her) but then we go into the bedroom and... Nothing. Peck on the cheek and lights out.

Anyway thank you so much for you thoughts. I guess the thing to do is to just ask. A part of me feels guilty for posting on here at all. I feel as if I am going behind my own wife's back.

But thanks for the kindness.

[Not-You]

Anyway thank you so much for you thoughts. I guess the thing to do is to just ask. A part of me feels guilty for posting on here at all. I feel as if I am going behind my own wife's back.

If she's anything like my wife, you may not get much helpful information from her. I think my lady is a bit of an outlier, however.

Having her view AVEN would likely be helpful, although, as others have said, she may take your suggestion as an insult. The best way to start any conversation with her about this is that you'll love her no matter what happens or how she feels. You need to make her feel comfortable with idea that she's not "broken."

[Pierrot le Fou]

Thanks Not-Trapped. I've been reading your posts for a little while and it was because of them that I took the plunge in asking for help here.

Okay, both Sally and AmusedbyMusic have said most of what I'd say, far more eloquently than I would, but there's one thing that stood out in your post that I don't think was mentioned that might be a factor too.

When I have brought up in the past that there might be a problem with our sex life she becomes angry and defensive. She says its because she is so tired and hates her job so much, etc.

How did you mention it? Is it possible that she felt you were implying that what was 'wrong' was her fault? If that's what happened I can see why she might get defensive - I'd probably feel the same way she did if I thought my SO was implying something like that as well, honestly.

I do hope something works out for you.

Treval You are probably correct in thinking that I was trying to put the impetus on my Wife. I have suggested in the past the she and I go to couples therapy or read a book on better sex together. But she always finds some way not to do those things. "It's so hectic right now, etc."

Also I hesitate in even saying the word Asexual to her becuase I fear that she is going to think I am trying to label her yet again.

I have a question for SALLY and AmusedbyMusic if you are out there still. In the past my wife often says that her reason for not wanting sex is: A)that she is too tired and/or B) that she resents having to initiate sex.

I think that she feels guilty at not having sex (with me) for three, four, or six weeks. And when she suddenly, and out of the blue says, "you want to have sex?" She feels she is initiating.

I interpret her actions as guilt or pity. I think she feels that if she had sex any less with me I might leave her, thus she relents.

Also her word initiate is odd to me since I insinuate that I desire sex pretty much all the time.

Here is where the confusion comes in. When I tell her, "But honey I do try to initiate sex with you." She counters with, "Yes but you just aren't agressive enough."

I don't understand what this means.

She tells me that in past relationships her partner was agressive. I take this to mean that her previous partner would pretty much throw her down on the bed and she would give in. The idea of forcing her like that makes me feel uncomfortable at best.

Is there something I am missing?

Thank you.

[Sally]

I have a question for SALLY and AmusedbyMusic if you are out there still. In the past my wife often says that her reason for not wanting sex is: A)that she is too tired and/or B) that she resents having to initiate sex.

I think that she feels guilty at not having sex (with me) for three, four, or six weeks. And when she suddenly, and out of the blue says, "you want to have sex?" She feels she is initiating.

I interpret her actions as guilt or pity. I think she feels that if she had sex any less with me I might leave her, thus she relents.

Also her word initiate is odd to me since I insinuate that I desire sex pretty much all the time.

Here is where the confusion comes in. When I tell her, "But honey I do try to initiate sex with you." She counters with, "Yes but you just aren't agressive enough."

I don't understand what this means.

She tells me that in past relationships her partner was agressive. I take this to mean that her previous partner would pretty much throw her down on the bed and she would give in. The idea of forcing her like that makes me feel uncomfortable at best.

Is there something I am missing?

Thank you.

I'll try to answer this from the perspective of an asexual who had sex to please her partners.

What your wife probably means by "aggressive" is that she'd rather you actually make the move yourself, so she doesn't have to get over her feeling of not wanting it. I doubt if she means aggressive in the sense of physical force.

Perhaps you can try to think of something you really don't want yourself. Now imagine that your partner does want it, and wants it pretty frequently, and wants you to participate in it, and if you don't, they will feel deprived. Suppose you make yourself suggest doing it because you're feeling guilty. You'll probably feel that your initiation is a proof that you love them. But they will simply wonder, "Why didn't he initiate it 4xweek? That's how often I want it!"

So what I think you're missing is that your wife doesn't want sex. That's simply part of who she is. And yes, she probably doesn't want you to leave her. You probably don't want to leave her either.

What's missing here is the recognition that you need to compromise, openly, with both of you admitting that it is a compromise. Compromise doesn't mean you feeling deprived that you're not getting enough of what you want, or in the form that you want it. Compromise means that BOTH of you realize that you are different, and to stay together, you have to see that difference for what it is, and what it isn't is that one of you is more important than the other. Someone wanting sex is not more important than someone not wanting sex.

[Fangle]

It's surprising how familiar it all sounds Oo Me and my girlfriend have had almost exactly this problem.

I really cant say what i would suggest doing because for starters you are older and have had a much longer relationship than me and my girlfriend but i can offer ideas of how to talk to her about it.

You seem to have my way of looking at it which is lovely. you say you are willing to cut the sex out all together which, from what i can gather is pretty rare. I never had much trouble bringing it up but as someone suggested, how you bring the subject up makes all the difference. If you in anyway imply that the sex is bad or what ever it can put her on the defensive, however unintentional it might be. i dont know your wife as i said but perhaps starting the conversation by giving her the opportunity to make the first "strike" as it were can allow her to say how she feels about it, hopefully, from then you can work it out. Its hard to really suggest much because of course i have no idea what shes like.

A few things that helped me (you can decide if they would be of any help to you of course) was to tell her that we would only have sex if she was comfortable with it (we didnt know she was asexual at the time) and to keep it on her own terms. i would never initiate it and when she did i could tell she wasnt comfortable with it and was only doing it to please me so would stop her, cuddle and tell her how much i loved her and again, told her how unimportant sex was and how i wanted her to be happy.

I would still cuddle her, tell her she was beautiful and how much i loved her, take her out to dinner and all sorts. I wanted her to know that i loved her and wanted nothing else but to be with her. that sex wasnt something i required to love her, all i need was her to be her and to be as happy as i could possibly make her.

respect the boundries! theres a lot of things she hates having touched so i do my best to not do that. accidents have happened and i apologised profusely for it!

One poster mentioned depression. I and my family have a strong history of depression and can vouch for the amazing sex drive killing brain dysfunction that is depression. her work stresses remind me in many ways of my own mother who had the same issues and my dad confided in me their very dead sex life. Chemical depression can be very easily diagnosed so if you can convince her to see a doctor and take the two small tests they do, it could help.

sorry for the long ramble, hope something in there was of use to you

[AmusedByMusic]

Pierrot,

I've continued to read this and I just have to express that despite me not knowing either you or your wife, my heart goes out to the both of you. You remind me a lot of my boyfriend whom I was so completely in love with and planned on spending my life with...he cared so much for me emotionally and never wanted to give up on me just because of the sex thing. Don't be ashamed or feel guilty for talking about this "behind her back" because its what we're all here for.

Idk, now that I think about it, I agree with Sally's last statement of "compromising." Though having that conversation may be very hard...for me, it was "my boyfriend does so many nice things for me and makes me feel so good emotionally, maybe I should just make him feel good the way he wants it, even if its not that enjoyable for me." BUT, that unfortunately has to come from her, otherwise it'll just seem selfish on your part... and unfortunately she may be right too about the whole, suggesting it simply because she feels guilty. The one piece of advice I'd push no matter what is to think about whether or not you've ever had a decent sex life, and how her emotional state usually is, because depression may be good to look into. If you're pretty sure she's asexual though, perhaps send another post out asking people simply how they would approach the topic/conversation...if it were me, I'd simply go about it, "Look, I don't want you to get upset or think I'm judging you, and I want you to know that'd I love you no matter what, but if you want to read about it, there's a community online called AVEN for asexuals and learning more about it. There's nothing wrong with it, lots of people are that way and can have great relationships still. I just want you to be happy and know that if this is who you might be, you're not alone."

Correct me, anyone, if you think this is wrong. But, admittedly its a tough one. :/ Hang in there Pierrot

[Not-You]

The "aggression" thing is counter-intuitive. I've slowly come to realize that, in a mixed relationship, the sexual partner MUST be aggressive with regards to sex. You can't be passive about it. You can't just talk about it, or ask for sex. You have to make ALL of the moves. I'm talking about taking the initiative. ALWAYS. And with a spine.

I always took the position (and verbalized such) that, in order to keep the pressure off, I would just wait until my wife wanted to have sex. Which sounds nice, and it makes perfect sense to not pressure the one you love into doing anything. But, waiting for an asexual person to initiate sex is like waiting for a pig to grow wings and fly.

By all means, make sure that you aren't crossing any boundaries. You can ask things like "would it be ok if we have sex tonight?" to make sure you aren't going to traumatize anybody. But, once that is established, it's up to the sexual to make sure it actually happens.

My $.02

[Olivier]

Or perhaps you need to do more than just drop hints and insinuations.

How do you think she'd react if you stopped dropping hints for a week and then said one day:

"You know, right now I'm finding you incredibly attractive, and it's making me horny as hell, and unless you tell me that now isn't a good time, in about 30 seconds I'm going to start removing your clothes with sex in mind."?

Puts the ball in her court, but there's nothing physical involved, just ideas, and she's got an explicit out if she wants it. What's important to avoid real hassle is that if she says no, you need to be able to smile and say "That's cool." and get on with your day, and not sulk or put responsibility for your happiness on her shoulders. If she finds that sort of approach pressuring (and she may well), then come straight out and say something like: "You asked me to be more aggressive, and I'm not comfortable with physical aggression, so I tried this instead. If you mean something else by aggressive, perhaps you could give me a hint."

[Sally]

What Olivier and Not-Trapped said.

I wish that my former partner had simply said, "I want to have sex" instead of trying to romance me and tell me I was looking very attractive, etc.etc. (Of course, he didn't know any better because neither of us realized I was asexual.) But if he'd just kind of didn't expect me to respond to his desires but simply told me what he wanted, it would have been much easier. That way, the asexual doesn't feel like they have to put on a show, which is really hard to do when you don't want sex. You not only have to have something you don't want, you also have to pretend that you DO want it, because if you don't, your partner will feel hurt. Frankly, back rubs, etc. just freaked me out because it was just prolonging the inevitable.

So just cut to the chase without a lot of mushy talk or foreplay. That may be what she means by being aggressive.

[AmusedByMusic]

good point sally. ^^ I second this ^^

[Pierrot le Fou]

good point sally. ^^ I second this ^^

Wow, this is a very strange world we live in indeed. First of all thank you, thank you, Sally and Amusedbymusic, Not-Trapped and Olivier. Hearing from each of you makes me feel, for the first time in a long time, like I am not crazy.

But I just have to say, well... the fact that I am getting some of the best sex advice in my life from an Asexual awareness website, does that strike anyone else as ironic?

I think I am getting the whole agression thing, as far as what my wife is saying to me.

I tried to bring up the fact that I'd stumbled across a website dedicated to asexuality. Though my wife was not exactly enthusiastic about checking it out she also wasn't angry or hurt that I'd brought up the subject.

Further, I also realize that this is really my issue, in so far as I am the one with the desire for sex. She is okay with who she is, for the most part. And I in no way want to make her feel like there is something wrong with her. So I am not going to push the, "You should check out AVEN," idea too much.

Also she is someone who has suffered some seemingly insurmountable odds. She survived watching her mother die in front of her as six year old child, then was adopted and brought to the US by an American family who turned out to be a little crazy. At least her adoptive mother was.

She has done amazing things, all on her own, with no help from anyone. So who am I to judge her if in one area she is well, not like every one else. To be honest it was her difference that attracted me to her in the first place.

Am I gushing? I can't help it. I love her so much. Besides which we had sex last night so...

Also I saw an old movie last night which may be the first time that I can think of that Asexuality is depicted in film. The movie is The Bigamist (dir. Ida Lupino). In the film Emund O'brien portrays a man who is married, illegally, to two women. The first wife is also his business partner. She is outgoing, sexy, smart, technically inclined, and a fantastic businesswoman but she is not interested in sex. The second wife is shy, aloof at first, but desirous.

I think I have found that in most relationships it's a little bit of either/or.

I think the two women in the film could just as easily represent two men.

I myself have been in relationships that were highly sexually charged but then the rest of the time I'd have to tune her out because nothing she said was of any interest to me. (I'm sorry and I know there is a special place in hell for guys like me who stay in relationships for the sex but...)

So there you have it. I love my wife. I love her the way she is. I thank you Sally and AmusedbyMusic for giving me such clarity on this issue.

Ta for now.

[Olivier]

But I just have to say, well... the fact that I am getting some of the best sex advice in my life from an Asexual awareness website, does that strike anyone else as ironic?

It's a bit counterintuitive, but in so many forums where sex is discussed there's so much noise from the "Sex = RAWWWRRRR!!1!!" crowd that more nuanced discussion gets drowned in it. Also, you can trust asexuals who've been sexually active to have a pretty clinical analysis of what's going on, since it seems that even as participants, they're sometimes still primarily observers, and even the sexuals like me here with asexual partners have probably been forced to think things through way more than sexuals with highly sexually compatible partners for whom everything just clicked into place without much thought or effort.

It is weird though to go to other sites that deal with sexless marriage and such things where you'd expect intelligent discussion of sex issues, and find them often deeply immature and prudish compared to here.

[Kaylah]

I am new to this forum. I am 41 years old married for 8 years to a woman I am coming to believe is asexual, perhaps demisexual.

In many ways she feels like a true soul mate. I searched a long time to find someone to whom I could relate to on such a deep intellectual, spiritual and artistic level.

I continue to adore my wife on many levels but…

We have almost NO physical/sexual relationship. We often go weeks or months without sex. When we do have sex it is quite awkward and strange.

I have never told her but when we do make love it feels as if she isn’t really there.

Now that I’ve found this site I realize that she probably has been forcing herself to do something she doesn’t really enjoy.

I just don’t know what to do. I love my wife. I don’t want to end this marriage. Is there anyone else out there in my position? What did you do? How did you get through it?

Hey Pierrot you've described perfectly my relationship with my husband...you totally nailed it...the times that we "tried" to have sex in the past..it was like he wasnt even there...his energy wasnt there...so that would turn me off...

Now that he found this website it explains a lot of things...just like you mentioned its not something that he really enjoys...that he was basically doing it "for me".

Also I do relate to your story on the fact that we always thought we were like soulmates...we just FIT perfectly in EVERY aspect BUt this one...seems like such a cruel joke...

Now that he found he is asexual...we dont have sex at all...cuz ... why try to do something that he doesnt feel like doing and that is not working anyways? he tried his best and I thank him for that!

We talked about me having a lover on the side...but I cant separate the two (sex/emotion)

If I stay with him...I know I will have to accept a life without sex or I can convince him to try to do it..but it will always be weird..."like he is not there"...might as well do it on my own.

Im a bit depressed cuz Im not being able to express who I am 100%...I miss the romance and passion...

he is ok because he doesnt need that...but I do...

but then I will be depressed if I leave a relationship that in every other aspect is amazing !

We are thinking of taking some time apart to evaluate what we really want out of life...

I think its one of the toughest decisions ever...we've postponed having kids for the same reason...(even though I should have kids by now)

I can totally relate...

The only thing I can say to you...is keep communicating...everything that you feel/think..and that she can tell you what she feels/thinks...

Show her the website and let her read it...

My husband took three days to tell me...he found it and he kept reading...its not an easy thing to accept...the pressure from society telling you "this is how you should be and behave"...

I've tried telling my husband how wonderful he is and he doesnt need to change...it is ok...cuz we are all different anyways...

Its like saying to someone they are wrong because they dont like to eat "brussel sprouts"...well you either like them or you dont...I guess its the same with sex...unfortunately for us.

In the end its really up to you Pierrot..what you choose to do...best of luck :)

[Pierrot le Fou]

To Kaylah, I don't know if you are still following this thread, Sorry but I was sick last week, which brings up a pretty good point. I came to realize something last week while in the emergency room with my adoring (albeit asexual wife) worrying over me. I really do love her. I need her support. I've had a few health issues in the past few years. A cancer scare that luckily turned out to be not what they thought, etc., and each time she was there for me. She was the one that kept me going. And during those periods I wasn't exactly feeling sexy.

I am in my 40s so perhaps this isn't relevant to you. If I was in my 20s and was NOT a father, I might not have stayed in the relationship. And that may or may not be a foolish way to think. I don't know.

But at this point in my life I know that I could not get through life's challenges without a partner. I could not raise a child alone. I just couldn't.

So the sex is well... it is what it is. But for me there is a lot more to life. I really want to thank amusedbymusic and Sally for helping me to see things far more clearly.

[Kaylah]

To Kaylah, I don't know if you are still following this thread, Sorry but I was sick last week, which brings up a pretty good point. I came to realize something last week while in the emergency room with my adoring (albeit asexual wife) worrying over me. I really do love her. I need her support. I've had a few health issues in the past few years. A cancer scare that luckily turned out to be not what they thought, etc., and each time she was there for me. She was the one that kept me going. And during those periods I wasn't exactly feeling sexy.

I am in my 40s so perhaps this isn't relevant to you. If I was in my 20s and was NOT a father, I might not have stayed in the relationship. And that may or may not be a foolish way to think. I don't know.

But at this point in my life I know that I could not get through life's challenges without a partner. I could not raise a child alone. I just couldn't.

So the sex is well... it is what it is. But for me there is a lot more to life. I really want to thank amusedbymusic and Sally for helping me to see things far more clearly.

Hey Pierrot...yes still here..although I hadn't been here in a while...hope you are feeling better!

I know exactly what you mean...(your wife being there for you...specially during those times when you are nott feeling very sexy..) I am getting close to turning 40 myself (which is why we should have kids by now) I do look like Im in my 20's lol...

I wanted to take some time away to think about things...but the closer I was getting to the "date" I was getting more and more depressed...

I really like being with my husband, I really enjoy spending time with him, we have fun, we laugh, he supports me...

so why would I want to leave? seems stupid...

Anyways we've talked about it again...Im not leaving...

and yes of course we are still missing that part but if I want to I can have a lover...and hubby is ok with that...

Might not be the same cuz ideally you have sex with the person you are in love with but...it is what it is...

So...I understand what you are saying...I dont think there is a perfect relationship...

I had the option of leaving...I still have it...but even though I dont have kids and I could just walk away... there are so many things that I enjoy about my relationship -and Im aware I wont have that with anyone else- that I dont want to...

there is a lot more to life...I agree :)

[Pandante]

Pierrot & Kaylah,

So far your situations are the most similar to mine that i have found on the threads. I'm 30 and will probably marry my asexual partner soon. That's a big decision - it's big even without the asexual-sexual dichotomy - and it's good to hear what you have experienced already, how you respect your partners, and decide to stay in the relationship.

I'm beginning to feel that a lot of it comes down to managing depression/frustration resulting from the lack of physical intimacy. At least it's what i'm struggling with most. But there are ways to lighten up one's spirits without sexual intimacy. And when talking with your partner about these matters, or when trying to initiate sex (if this is still an option) being direct and clear about what you feel or want to do is probably best. I think Sally et al are right; if I were asexual, i'd probably want the talk about sex to be curt and cut the foreplay. If the answer is no, then it's no, and you go out for a run.

I know, it's not as simple as that; the frustration builds up over time. It kills me every time we lie down together to sleep and i feel a little desirous, but she just turns her back to me and is fast asleep within minutes. I'm thinking of setting up a punching bag in our garage to get an intense workout in before sleep so that i'm out of energy and fall asleep faster than her.

[Sally]

I know, it's not as simple as that; the frustration builds up over time. It kills me every time we lie down together to sleep and i feel a little desirous, but she just turns her back to me and is fast asleep within minutes. I'm thinking of setting up a punching bag in our garage to get an intense workout in before sleep so that i'm out of energy and fall asleep faster than her.

I hope you really think about that, Pandante, before you carry out the marriage. As an asexual, it would really make me feel guilty if my husband needed to use a punching bag because he can't have what he really wants with me. And you might get tired of it also. Marriage has a way of feeling a bit restrictive anyway, without that to worry about for either one of you.

[Pandante]

I know, it's not as simple as that; the frustration builds up over time. It kills me every time we lie down together to sleep and i feel a little desirous, but she just turns her back to me and is fast asleep within minutes. I'm thinking of setting up a punching bag in our garage to get an intense workout in before sleep so that i'm out of energy and fall asleep faster than her.

I hope you really think about that, Pandante, before you carry out the marriage. As an asexual, it would really make me feel guilty if my husband needed to use a punching bag because he can't have what he really wants with me. And you might get tired of it also. Marriage has a way of feeling a bit restrictive anyway, without that to worry about for either one of you.

Yes, you're right. Of course I wouldn't let my partner know that particular reason for exercising before going to bed (i'm a taekwondo instructor so it wouldn't be so unnatural occasionally working a punching bag before bed). But you see, it's tricky. How do I deal with what's lacking for me, without making my partner feel guilty. I need an outlet, or distraction.

Maybe i'm just making too much of a fuss. It's not a continuous problem either, most of the time i'm fine. I can feel alright for weeks without much physical intimacy, but sometimes i really require it strongly, and it builds up with time. I want to know how sexuals deal with this, from a practical point of view. How do they control their bodies and minds over long periods of time before and after marriage? What do they say to themselves for comfort when physical comfort is missing?

I guess, to answer my own question, what works for me is sports and reminding myself of all the wonderful things that my partner brings to my life for which I love her unconditionally.

[Sally]

Yes, you're right. Of course I wouldn't let my partner know that particular reason for exercising before going to bed (i'm a taekwondo instructor so it wouldn't be so unnatural occasionally working a punching bag before bed). But you see, it's tricky. How do I deal with what's lacking for me, without making my partner feel guilty. I need an outlet, or distraction.

It is likely that she would eventually know why you are doing that, and keeping that kind of secret isn't a good way to start a marriage.

As an asexual, I tried for years to keep to myself my dislike of sex. It was very, very difficult and it affected my feeling about my relationships. Considering that you'd have to keep to yourself your desire/need for sex--again, I just don't know how that would work.

Look around this forum of AVEN a lot more before you decide to not discuss this openly before you marry.

[Pandante]

As an asexual, I tried for years to keep to myself my dislike of sex. It was very, very difficult and it affected my feeling about my relationships. Considering that you'd have to keep to yourself your desire/need for sex--again, I just don't know how that would work.

I don't know either. That's why i'm here :)

[Pierrot le Fou]

As an asexual, I tried for years to keep to myself my dislike of sex. It was very, very difficult and it affected my feeling about my relationships. Considering that you'd have to keep to yourself your desire/need for sex--again, I just don't know how that would work.

I don't know either. That's why i'm here :)

Pandante, I have to agree with Sally. Though I do love my wife. If I knew before I married her that our marriage would be a chaste one I'm pretty sure I would have not gone through with it.

Having said that, I don't regret being married but... just the other night my wife and I both admitted to each other that our marriage is mostly contingent upon raising our daughter. Once my daughter leaves home and is on her own, and doesn't need the both of us, our marriage could quite possibly collapse. Both of us are well aware of this.

[Pierrot le Fou]

To Kaylah, I don't know if you are still following this thread, Sorry but I was sick last week, which brings up a pretty good point. I came to realize something last week while in the emergency room with my adoring (albeit asexual wife) worrying over me. I really do love her. I need her support. I've had a few health issues in the past few years. A cancer scare that luckily turned out to be not what they thought, etc., and each time she was there for me. She was the one that kept me going. And during those periods I wasn't exactly feeling sexy.

I am in my 40s so perhaps this isn't relevant to you. If I was in my 20s and was NOT a father, I might not have stayed in the relationship. And that may or may not be a foolish way to think. I don't know.

But at this point in my life I know that I could not get through life's challenges without a partner. I could not raise a child alone. I just couldn't.

So the sex is well... it is what it is. But for me there is a lot more to life. I really want to thank amusedbymusic and Sally for helping me to see things far more clearly.

Hey Pierrot...yes still here..although I hadn't been here in a while...hope you are feeling better!

I know exactly what you mean...(your wife being there for you...specially during those times when you are nott feeling very sexy..) I am getting close to turning 40 myself (which is why we should have kids by now) I do look like Im in my 20's lol...

I wanted to take some time away to think about things...but the closer I was getting to the "date" I was getting more and more depressed...

I really like being with my husband, I really enjoy spending time with him, we have fun, we laugh, he supports me...

so why would I want to leave? seems stupid...

Anyways we've talked about it again...Im not leaving...

and yes of course we are still missing that part but if I want to I can have a lover...and hubby is ok with that...

Might not be the same cuz ideally you have sex with the person you are in love with but...it is what it is...

So...I understand what you are saying...I dont think there is a perfect relationship...

I had the option of leaving...I still have it...but even though I dont have kids and I could just walk away... there are so many things that I enjoy about my relationship -and Im aware I wont have that with anyone else- that I dont want to...

there is a lot more to life...I agree :)

Hi Kaylah,

I was wondering, what is it like for you in your marriage when you go to bed? Oops.

That sounds terrible but what I mean is: Do you find that you are talking and having a wonderful evening with your partner and then you get into bed and suddenly it is like your partner becomes a piece of wood or something. I find this with my wife. She and I can be laughing and just having a great time and then we get into bed and it is like two straight men being forced to share a bed for the night. Awkward and eerily silent.

Also is your partner able to show affection at all? Mine not so much. She tells me she loves me but she cannot express it physically, ie hugging, kissing, holding hands.

I feel starved sometimes.

Do find that as well?

[Deremna]

Hi Kaylah,

I was wondering, what is it like for you in your marriage when you go to bed? Oops.

That sounds terrible but what I mean is: Do you find that you are talking and having a wonderful evening with your partner and then you get into bed and suddenly it is like your partner becomes a piece of wood or something. I find this with my wife. She and I can be laughing and just having a great time and then we get into bed and it is like two straight men being forced to share a bed for the night. Awkward and eerily silent.

Also is your partner able to show affection at all? Mine not so much. She tells me she loves me but she cannot express it physically, ie hugging, kissing, holding hands.

I feel starved sometimes.

Do find that as well?

I read this and I decided I had to say something. This is pretty much exactly how I am. Just last night, my boyfriend and I were happily playing Portal 2, joking around.. Then be time rolled around and I immediately became awkward. He's very affectionate and loves to kiss and hug. I don't mind snuggling (though I cannot fall asleep that close to someone) and we'll hold hands but sometimes kissing just bothers me. Not peck on the lips kissing but making out. I feel guilty because I know this makes him depressed but sometimes I just can't handle it. I love him and I am trying to be more receptive but.. Sometimes I just get so put off that I can't even feign slight interest.

I also wanted to go back to the aggressive thing. My boyfriend tries and the poor guy cannot win. He'll ask earlier in the day if it's okay, I'll say fine, but later on when he starts coming on to me, I flip out. I am trying to stop this behavior because I know that even without the sexual differences, I am not the easiest girlfriend to live with. It's been 5 and a half years and we both really do love each other so we just keep talking, discussing what to do, trying to see it from the other person's perspective.. I am attempting to at least be able to make myself more tolerant and not so squicked out. It's tough though because even when I say, "Hey, do you want to go have sex?" he'll say no because he wants me to enjoy it, too. If he only wants to have sex when I want to then that would be about a week out of the year.

[Not-You]

Just last night, ...I [was] happily playing Portal 2, joking around..

Jealous.