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little miss sunshine

First timer administering "the talk"

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little miss sunshine

Hey there! My name's Casey, I'm seventeen, and I've kind of always been asexual. As a teenager in high school, I didn't start dating until my junior year. My second relationship was a long-distance one that I had with a close friend of mine. We had never met in person, and we had a strong emotional connection. Once he started talking about how he didn't like not having a physical relationship, I realized that I didn't feel the same way. I haven't told anyone about my asexuality; I haven't told my family, friends, or my heterosexual boyfriend because asexuality is too difficult to explain. My boyfriend Mike and I have been dating for 6 months. He's starting to want to do more physical things, and I have no idea how to handle that. I feel that it's time to tell him that I am asexual,but I should have told him in the beginning of our relationship.

As a sexual person dating an asexual person, what do you think would be the best way for an asexual person to "come out" to a sexual person?

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The Great WTF

Well, my (rabid bisexual, perverted, depraved) boyfriend knew I was ace long before we became an item so I can only be so much help, but I'll try. Fact of the matter is, a LOT of sexual guys won't understand or accept you being asexual. Most of them have trouble wrapping their minds around the idea (mine certainly did), but try breaking it to him gently, bit by bit. Tell him you're not comfortable with anything more physical even though you really do care about him (lay that part on thick if you have to, because certain guys WILL take it as 'I'm not attracted to you in ANY way') and try to explain to him why. (For me saying that I honestly lack anything like sexual attraction or libido helped a lot, though it took him a week to grasp the idea and even longer to come to terms with it.) Have a computer ready, because showing him this website can be a big help.

The most important part is to give him time to adjust, because it can be hard. You'll probably have to reinforce it a few times, but if this guy's worth the trouble he'll stick by you through it. You also need to be willing to make compromises if you want things to work.

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Hpets

To give an alternate perspective from The Great WTF, my (totally wonderful) fiancé didn't know I was asexual until a year into the relationship, because I didn't know that asexuality existed until about that time. When I did tell him, he surprised me by being completely understanding and willing to do (or not do) what was necessary to make the relationship work. We moved VERY slowly, but thanks to mutual respect and trust I'm now comfortable with him in ways I could never have imagined being comfortable, and all in all we're doing just great together. :wub:

Yes, not all guys are okay with a relationship that's low on the physical, but some are. The only way you'll find out where your boyfriend stands is by talking to him. As for how to go about it... Well, personally I just burst into tears and said "I'm asexual" (seriously, I did), so you probably can't do worse than that. ;)

I think the more important thing is to watch his reaction closely. I hate to say it, but yes, before starting the conversation you do need to prepare yourself for the possibility of this being a deal-breaker. If his required level of physical intimacy is beyond what you can give, there's little to be done about that. Compromise can be great, but if it takes either person too far from their comfort, it just makes for an unhappy relationship.

That said, if your boyfriend chooses not to back out, give the relationship a try! Understand where your boundaries are and stick to them, but also note when you feel willing to try something new (with the knowledge that you're always free to say "Let's stop at this"). And most importantly, communicate!

Which leads me back to the actual "coming out." Don't worry too much about how you say it. If you must, just blurt it out. (Hey, it worked for me! :blush: ) Just make sure that in the end your boyfriend is clear about what asexuality means. Beyond that, it's up to him.

Good luck!

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