martianJusticiar Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I've been worrying a lot about it these days. It's not even like I don't have very close friends. It's just that I am some weird variation on romantic, but I'm asexual, very repulsed, visibly physically deformed, geeky, have psychological issues, gender-nonconforming, and am looking for a type of person I've never met in a context that I've only really seen (and probably only belongs) in fiction. So yeah, I've been feeling recently like the odds are against me. Link to post Share on other sites
Jazmin Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I know how you feel For me, the feelings and fears of being alone comes and goes. Some days I rather enjoy my solitude, other days I feel quite lonely, even if I'm with other people. The thing is that I'm more aromantic than romantic, so I don't really want a romantic relationship - at least, not now. Just having friends or more people who understood what it feels like to be this way would be enough for me. I have one friend who I came out to a few years ago, and she was very understanding and accepting. I'm lucky that she's so open minded, but sometimes I still think she doesn't totally get where I am coming from or that I didn't exactly choose to be how I am. What does make me rather sad whenever I think about it is the fact that I know my friends will eventually have to leave me 'behind' as they all move forwards in their life - while I remain static and not changing, standing by myself. They will all likely get married, have kids etc, and it's kind of inevitable that they would end up spending more and more time with their family and less and less with me. Another thing that makes me sad is when I consider how my parents won't be here forever. I know I'll still have my parents to turn to when my friends move on, but in later years when my parents pass away (something also inevitable), then I would truly be on my own. Times like these i.e. when I start thinking too much about the future, I do start feeling very alone. I am conflicted though. On one hand I know that if I were to just 'suck it up', be 'normal' and just get out there and find a relationship like everyone else does so naturally, then I wouldn't have to face a future of being by myself. But on the other hand, I don't want to have to force myself to play a part and act like someone else in order to avoid feeling alone and left out from the rest of the world. Anyway, sorry for the long depressive post lol. I tend to overthink things a lot and got carried away. But I did want to say that I guess at the end of the day, the comfort comes in knowing that you aren't alone in feeling alone - everybody can relate to feeling lonely at some point in their life. Link to post Share on other sites
Apollonian Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 No. If I can't be with myself, I don't see why I would expect anyone else to be able to be with me anyway. My self-worth isn't validated by whether or not I have anyone else. It's not like being with someone else is this wonderful thing anyway. People lie to you, take advantage of you, don't appreciate you until it's too late and you've had enough (then you hear the, "Oh, I'm sorry, I know I messed up, I didn't realize what I had then, but I do now" ). I've been better by myself than I've been in years with other people. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest member25959 Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I sometimes worry about ending up living alone, but other times I hope for it. Totally agree! Let's live alone together, FH :D YEEEES!! *packs bags* :P Link to post Share on other sites
phantomwriter Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 I certainly know how it feels to be misunderstood. That's the main reason I even came to AVEN in the first place, and certainly the reason I started posting. Because my peers didn't understand why I wasn't interested in the guys that were interested in me, I wanted to seek out a place with people that did understand. Since finding AVEN I no longer feel as lonely. I used to worry about being "alone" forever. What helped me was acknowledging that I may never get married or have a long-term romantic relationship and to come to terms with that possibility. Even if that did happen, I would still have my friends and family, so I wouldn't really be alone. I'd also try to do things throughout my life that will make me feel good about my place in the world, like becoming a high school teacher (which I'm in the process of doing right now). And like Averillo said, unexpected things happen in life all the time. For instance, I'm starting to date this guy who I'm actually interested in (this RARELY happens, lol). So just keep living your life, and if you ever start to feel lonely, just come here! Thank you, I love your response, you made me feel a thousand times better. Its awesome that you've found someone your interested in, I hope that works out for you :) Wow, thank you. So far it's working. :) I admire the fact that you took the time to respond to us individually. You're such a positive person. It's quite nice to read all of your responses. Link to post Share on other sites
test account Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Hmm. Link to post Share on other sites
Jaz Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 I've been worrying a lot about it these days. It's not even like I don't have very close friends. It's just that I am some weird variation on romantic, but I'm asexual, very repulsed, visibly physically deformed, geeky, have psychological issues, gender-nonconforming, and am looking for a type of person I've never met in a context that I've only really seen (and probably only belongs) in fiction. So yeah, I've been feeling recently like the odds are against me. I relate a lot to the wanting someone who probably only belongs in fiction. A quote I like a lot (i can't remember where i got it from) it "The idea of someone is often much more attractive then the reality of that person." Its a pretty accurate claim in my life so far... I give people way too much trust only to have them betray me, or turn out to be not who I thought they were at all because I had idolized them in my head. I feel the odds are against me as well, I am also asexual and very repulsed. I can only hope that one day it will get better for us all, just have to hang in there I guess... Link to post Share on other sites
Jaz Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 I know how you feel For me, the feelings and fears of being alone comes and goes. Some days I rather enjoy my solitude, other days I feel quite lonely, even if I'm with other people. The thing is that I'm more aromantic than romantic, so I don't really want a romantic relationship - at least, not now. Just having friends or more people who understood what it feels like to be this way would be enough for me. I have one friend who I came out to a few years ago, and she was very understanding and accepting. I'm lucky that she's so open minded, but sometimes I still think she doesn't totally get where I am coming from or that I didn't exactly choose to be how I am. What does make me rather sad whenever I think about it is the fact that I know my friends will eventually have to leave me 'behind' as they all move forwards in their life - while I remain static and not changing, standing by myself. They will all likely get married, have kids etc, and it's kind of inevitable that they would end up spending more and more time with their family and less and less with me. Another thing that makes me sad is when I consider how my parents won't be here forever. I know I'll still have my parents to turn to when my friends move on, but in later years when my parents pass away (something also inevitable), then I would truly be on my own. Times like these i.e. when I start thinking too much about the future, I do start feeling very alone. I am conflicted though. On one hand I know that if I were to just 'suck it up', be 'normal' and just get out there and find a relationship like everyone else does so naturally, then I wouldn't have to face a future of being by myself. But on the other hand, I don't want to have to force myself to play a part and act like someone else in order to avoid feeling alone and left out from the rest of the world. Anyway, sorry for the long depressive post lol. I tend to overthink things a lot and got carried away. But I did want to say that I guess at the end of the day, the comfort comes in knowing that you aren't alone in feeling alone - everybody can relate to feeling lonely at some point in their life. I feel the exact same way for the first part. I love being alone but I hate being lonely. And I feel the same way about my best friend, I know shes trying but sometimes I don't think she really "gets it." And I am also scared about losing her, she just got into her first *real* relationship, and is talking about a future with him and they are making plans for the next few years. In my opinion they are moving way to fast. They have never met in real life, only chatted online. They have only been official for about three weeks. She tells me everything about the relationship and about how they want to move to Europe (I live in Canada) And I'm kind of upset about this because I don't want to lose her...I mean if shes making plans that big already, I know that one day I will lose her. Also because I don't have plans for tomorrow...let alone 5-10 years in the future. I don't want to be a horrible friend and tell her this because she is my only *real* friend, and I don't want to upset her...but at the same time she deserves to know how I'm feeling. So I guess I'm just confused and scared because I don't at the moment, have a future. With anyone or anything, I'm a complete blank when it comes to that. I have an idea what I want...but know I will probably never get it. I guess just the fear of being alone scares me a lot. And don't worry about the depressing posts...mine aren't exactly uplifting either lol. Besides I enjoy talking and hearing other opinions/stories...thanks for taking the time to reply to my post. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Jaz Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 No. If I can't be with myself, I don't see why I would expect anyone else to be able to be with me anyway. My self-worth isn't validated by whether or not I have anyone else. It's not like being with someone else is this wonderful thing anyway. People lie to you, take advantage of you, don't appreciate you until it's too late and you've had enough (then you hear the, "Oh, I'm sorry, I know I messed up, I didn't realize what I had then, but I do now" ). I've been better by myself than I've been in years with other people. Thats awesome!! I hope one day I am able to have the same view as you :) Link to post Share on other sites
Jaz Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 I certainly know how it feels to be misunderstood. That's the main reason I even came to AVEN in the first place, and certainly the reason I started posting. Because my peers didn't understand why I wasn't interested in the guys that were interested in me, I wanted to seek out a place with people that did understand. Since finding AVEN I no longer feel as lonely. I used to worry about being "alone" forever. What helped me was acknowledging that I may never get married or have a long-term romantic relationship and to come to terms with that possibility. Even if that did happen, I would still have my friends and family, so I wouldn't really be alone. I'd also try to do things throughout my life that will make me feel good about my place in the world, like becoming a high school teacher (which I'm in the process of doing right now). And like Averillo said, unexpected things happen in life all the time. For instance, I'm starting to date this guy who I'm actually interested in (this RARELY happens, lol). So just keep living your life, and if you ever start to feel lonely, just come here! Thank you, I love your response, you made me feel a thousand times better. Its awesome that you've found someone your interested in, I hope that works out for you :) Wow, thank you. So far it's working. :) I admire the fact that you took the time to respond to us individually. You're such a positive person. It's quite nice to read all of your responses. Aww thank you <3 I like talking to the people here, they are supportive and amazing.!!! :D Link to post Share on other sites
Matters Of The Heart Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Yes, I am a bit afraid. I'm a very romantic person at my core. Here's how my chances become ever more limited: 99% of people want sex, and I never do. So...in a room of 100 people, only 1 has a chance. I would be happier if they wanted the same romantic things that I do. (kissing, i.e. A lot of aces don't want the kissing) I'd like to end up with someone who shares my faith. Chances grow slimmer still. I'd like to end up with someone who shares my views on the things most important to my soul. Another one bites the dust. Sure, I could lower my standards...but would I be happy in a relationship with whoever I found? Maybe, but maybe these things I mentioned would come up later...and dang it, it sure is hard when I realize things aren't going to work out after so long. This isn't to say that fate doesn't have a way of bringing unlikely people together. It certainly can. Link to post Share on other sites
Jaz Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 Yes, I am a bit afraid. I'm a very romantic person at my core. Here's how my chances become ever more limited: 99% of people want sex, and I never do. So...in a room of 100 people, only 1 has a chance. I would be happier if they wanted the same romantic things that I do. (kissing, i.e. A lot of aces don't want the kissing) I'd like to end up with someone who shares my faith. Chances grow slimmer still. I'd like to end up with someone who shares my views on the things most important to my soul. Another one bites the dust. Sure, I could lower my standards...but would I be happy in a relationship with whoever I found? Maybe, but maybe these things I mentioned would come up later...and dang it, it sure is hard when I realize things aren't going to work out after so long. This isn't to say that fate doesn't have a way of bringing unlikely people together. It certainly can. Yeah I know how you feel, I am also romantic and my standards are way too high. I won't lower them though because I know then that I would be miserable with anyone less then what I want. I know I will probably never meet "The One" because I am pretty sure he doesn't exist for me. But I will never stop hoping that one day things will change... Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Heartilly Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Lately I've been feeling like the universe has cursed me by making me a hopeless romantic asexual. I've never wanted sex, but I have a ridiculously high romance "drive," so to speak. I always need to be in love with someone. I mean, I don't think I need to, but my mind apparently does because every time I break up with someone, I always get a crush very soon after and try to pursue it as a new relationship. What sucks is that most people are sexual, so I'm just going to keep falling in love and getting my heart broken over and over again. It's like I was born on the wrong planet or something! It's especially painful now as I've just met the love of my life. He is everything I've ever dreamed of and gets me better than any person I've ever met, even my asexuality. Problem is, he's sexual. He says he wants to stay with me, but he's not sure how much longer he can hold out like this, and he doesn't want to force me to have sex. If I lose him, I really am going to feel like I'll die alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Jaz Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Lately I've been feeling like the universe has cursed me by making me a hopeless romantic asexual. I've never wanted sex, but I have a ridiculously high romance "drive," so to speak. I always need to be in love with someone. I mean, I don't think I need to, but my mind apparently does because every time I break up with someone, I always get a crush very soon after and try to pursue it as a new relationship. What sucks is that most people are sexual, so I'm just going to keep falling in love and getting my heart broken over and over again. It's like I was born on the wrong planet or something! It's especially painful now as I've just met the love of my life. He is everything I've ever dreamed of and gets me better than any person I've ever met, even my asexuality. Problem is, he's sexual. He says he wants to stay with me, but he's not sure how much longer he can hold out like this, and he doesn't want to force me to have sex. If I lose him, I really am going to feel like I'll die alone. Yeah I'm a romantic asexual as well. And I totally agree with being born on the wrong planet!!! I feel the same way all the time. I can't really relate to the being in love with someone though, I have never had an actual crush on someone before (aside from celebs and fictional characters I mean) Aww, I hope you guys can make it work somehow...everybody deserves to love and have the right person. I hope that you guys do end up together forever, because feeling like your going to die alone is THE worst feeling in the world and I don't think anyone should have to experience it. :( Link to post Share on other sites
katy89 Posted March 31, 2011 Share Posted March 31, 2011 So I've known for years that I was different from everyone around me. I didn't figure out I was asexual until a couple of months ago, and only have been 100% positive since January. (When I found AVEN) I have never been attracted to anyone in reality, but I do find certain men attractive (celebrities for example). I have never been in a relationship and I am in my late teens. This is considered very abnormal to the people around me, mostly by my friends who have been in a few serious relationships and have had crushes on various people over the years. I don't want a relationship, not a sexual one anyway. What I want more than anything is someone who actually understands how i'm feeling and who I am, someone who gets that this isn't a 'phase' or something i'll outgrow. I want a non-sexual relationship, but heres the problem, I live in a very, very small "city." I have never met another asexual person before, I hadn't even heard about asexuality until I started doing research to figure out why I felt so different. No one ever talks about asexual's, i'm positive half the people I know don't even know what asexuality is. I am also pretty sure I will never leave this place. The more I think about this the more depressed I become, I am terrified of being alone for the rest of my life. So my question is, does anyone here feel this way or has anyone here ever felt this way? Lonely I guess, and feeling like no one understands that asexuality isn't a choice. I'm scared I will never be in a relationship because of something I cannot control. I am not ashamed of being asexual, but I am scared of being asexual. If anyone here can relate...what did/do you do to cope with this feeling? I told my best friend about being asexual and she supports me so much, but sometimes she doesn't understand the way I feel or why I'm upset. I don't have anyone to turn too and its eating me up inside, because at heart I'm still a scared, misunderstood little girl. If you want to share your opinions and experiences with me I would really appreciate it. Any advice is welcome. Thanks. Hello, my name is Katy. I wanna be honest by telling you that I'm not asexual.I have little knowledge about it (from a scientific point of view, I mean) but I know it's not a choice. I'm 21 and by reading your post I clearly felt the same. I'm scared, almost all the time. I'm scared to be alone. I've never been in a relationship (never had sex)and I understand when you say it's abnormal. People make you feel different sometimes. I' the kind of person that even if likes someone from the physical point of view, will never try a sexual approach. I'm a romantic, same as you. I've also been suffering from ED and that made me more insecure in facing men. Even though I'm scared to be alone, I'll neve been in a relatioship because of that, I believe in real love (not in soul sister) and this is the only thin I'm looking for. What I'm trying to say to you that talking to someone (competent) would be the best thing to do, and not because you have a problem to eradicate, but to help you facing and realizing your situation. I'd like to tell you more and more, but I don't want to sound as annoying and stressful, thus I'd be really pleased if you would like to mail me, even just to chat. P.S. Sorry for possible mistakes,I'm not a native english speaker. A hug, you're not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Asexy Existentialist Posted March 31, 2011 Share Posted March 31, 2011 Yes, I am a bit afraid. I'm a very romantic person at my core. Here's how my chances become ever more limited: 99% of people want sex, and I never do. So...in a room of 100 people, only 1 has a chance. I would be happier if they wanted the same romantic things that I do. (kissing, i.e. A lot of aces don't want the kissing) I'd like to end up with someone who shares my faith. Chances grow slimmer still. I'd like to end up with someone who shares my views on the things most important to my soul. Another one bites the dust. Sure, I could lower my standards...but would I be happy in a relationship with whoever I found? Maybe, but maybe these things I mentioned would come up later...and dang it, it sure is hard when I realize things aren't going to work out after so long. This isn't to say that fate doesn't have a way of bringing unlikely people together. It certainly can. This, exactly this. Link to post Share on other sites
UraNepu Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 I have been seeing this thread for days now so I thought to come in and read it :) I can't really give any tips since I personally love my loneliness, but your worries deserve a great piece of :cake: :cake: relax, chill out eat some cake, and remember that we are about 1% of population, so you still have a chance to find someone even in your city, unless you live in a city with less than 100 people... do you??? :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: Link to post Share on other sites
Samael Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 Being alone is portrayed in a negative light here as an unwanted state. I've prepared to live alone. I've always lived alone and I expect to live alone for the rest of my life. And that's always been ok for me because I wouldn't have had it in any other way. I can't say I would understand the many people who say they fear ending up alone because for me there's nothing undesirable being alone. Sure, there are benefits to being partnered (eg. shared bills), but I can live without those benefits just fine thank you very much :D I suppose then - that I should be thankful that I was not born romantic, if indeed romanticism is the cause for such emotional pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Vampyremage Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 I like having a partner who I can confide in, who loves me and who I love, who is my safety and my solace. But I also like being alone for all of the freedom and lack of respnsibility in being alone. If I get into another relationship then that's wonderful. But if I remain alone for the rest of my life, then that's wonderful in its own way too. Link to post Share on other sites
Squick Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 Personally, I'd be more afraid of being in a relationship, heh. I know I'm "weird" and all...unmarried and not dating while my brother's on his way to his second kid, but I just have no interest in it. Link to post Share on other sites
Jaz Posted April 4, 2011 Author Share Posted April 4, 2011 I have been seeing this thread for days now so I thought to come in and read it :) I can't really give any tips since I personally love my loneliness, but your worries deserve a great piece of :cake: :cake: relax, chill out eat some cake, and remember that we are about 1% of population, so you still have a chance to find someone even in your city, unless you live in a city with less than 100 people... do you??? :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: Nope its small but not that small. Sadly its a stiffing town and I fear that even if there are others like me they would be too afraid of the ridicule and scorn they will face to *come out*. I know I am. Most of the time I love being alone as well, but sometimes I just need someone to talk to, or someone to just listen, but I don't have that and the thought that I never will scares me...thanks for replying, I appreciate any response :) Link to post Share on other sites
Jaz Posted April 4, 2011 Author Share Posted April 4, 2011 Being alone is portrayed in a negative light here as an unwanted state. I've prepared to live alone. I've always lived alone and I expect to live alone for the rest of my life. And that's always been ok for me because I wouldn't have had it in any other way. I can't say I would understand the many people who say they fear ending up alone because for me there's nothing undesirable being alone. Sure, there are benefits to being partnered (eg. shared bills), but I can live without those benefits just fine thank you very much :D I suppose then - that I should be thankful that I was not born romantic, if indeed romanticism is the cause for such emotional pain. I have to say I'm jealous of your ability to be okay with being alone, I wish I could feel that way. I just really need someone sometimes and the fact that I don't have them depresses me, I have a few friends and family members I could talk too eventually, but I guess what I want is someone special I can share my life with. <3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jaz Posted April 4, 2011 Author Share Posted April 4, 2011 I like having a partner who I can confide in, who loves me and who I love, who is my safety and my solace. But I also like being alone for all of the freedom and lack of respnsibility in being alone. If I get into another relationship then that's wonderful. But if I remain alone for the rest of my life, then that's wonderful in its own way too. Yeah thats cool...I want someone like that too, but someone who also can give me some space when I need it. Someone who needs space as well, most of the time I don't mind being alone, but sometimes I just wish I had more....I guess...lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Jaz Posted April 4, 2011 Author Share Posted April 4, 2011 Personally, I'd be more afraid of being in a relationship, heh. I know I'm "weird" and all...unmarried and not dating while my brother's on his way to his second kid, but I just have no interest in it. I also have no interest in ever being marred, and definitely no kids anytime soon. I can't ever see myself making a good mother...lol. I've said this a lot...but I want someone special, someone like me who I can talk to when I need them. Someone who will understand how I am feeling and not say its *just a phase or *that I'm too young to decide this sort of thing. It doesn't even have to be a romantic relationship... i just want someone I actually connect too. Link to post Share on other sites
DeJester Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 Not really, but I'm thinking I might be aromatic as well so that could be part of it. Link to post Share on other sites
catonahottinroof Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 I fear loneliness more than being alone. I go out of my way to be alone even when I'm around people. It will probably always be that way. I don't like being around people. But, it is a HUGE fear of mine that one day I will wake up and feel crippling loneliness. I knew a guy who was loner like myself. He was older(much)and lived with his mom. He was so depressingly miserable.... it scared me to death. He was always angry, he ate the same things everyday, he rarely went outside, he never even showered. NEVER SHOWERED!!!!!!! EVER! He just made me think to myself "Gosh, is this going to be me?" Being alone is great, but that experience made me realized that I would be willing to sacrifice a little of my alone time to have someone around to spend life with. Heck, I need someone that would at least encourage me to shower. Link to post Share on other sites
Random Happenstance Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Yeah, I do worry about being alone. It's more easy to put that worry into context, so to speak, now that I've found out about asexuality. I'm an aromantic also (so I guess it's weird for me to say I don't want to be alone) as in, I experience no romantic attraction for people. The most would be an intellectual attraction/curiosity. None of the 'butterflies' etc that people seem to report, or a desire for a monogamous relationship, but I do want intimate (emotionally, but allowing for hugs and without that kind of awkwardness) relationship(s). I don't feel like that will be likely for me though, which makes me lonely, but then I think-I'll just take what the hell life throws at me and make the best out of it. :) Link to post Share on other sites
KatieQ Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I do worry about being alone. Being a romantic asexual, I don't know how that would go in a relationship with a sexual. The few times I've been in a relationship, we've broken up because I haven't wanted to have sex with the person. At that time, I didn't know it was because I was asexual, but now, I know that I'm never going to want it. So I guess I'm taking it one step at a time, but it is something I worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
BadKarma Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I cannot believe that nobody's posted FOREVER ALONE guy yet. Also, no. I intend to be super rich instead, to such a degree that I'll have a posse of women who sleep at my house like any other multimillionaire, except we'll replace the five-somes with extra helpings of cocaine. Link to post Share on other sites
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