For 30-somethings and those around that age

[MinnieMouse]

On 5/4/2022 at 11:57 PM, Bookworm91 said:

Hey! 34 and I just found this site! 

Welcome to AVEN! 👋 What a lovely nickname! 📚😀 I’m a bookworm too!

[rachelpenguin]

Yesterday I was talking to a PhD student who said they’d started school in 2001 and I only realised today that they meant primary school and not secondary school and I don’t know where my life has gone and when did they let babies do PhD’s?

[coolshades]

1 hour ago, Rach1234 said:

Yesterday I was talking to a PhD student who said they’d started school in 2001 and I only realised today that they meant primary school and not secondary school and I don’t know where my life has gone and when did they let babies do PhD’s?

I feel the same.  The first students I ever taught are in college now, and I can't believe that there are adults who were born after 9/11.  Pretty soon there will be adults who were born after I graduated college.  I feel so incredibly old. 😕

[Tree snake]

Everytime my cousin comes up in conversation I see a seven-year-old in front of me then I realize she just turnd 21!

 

Where did time go!?  

[MinnieMouse]

23 hours ago, FeichtKatze said:

Everytime my cousin comes up in conversation I see a seven-year-old in front of me then I realize she just turnd 21!

 

Where did time go!?  

Exactly! Everytime I talk to my five years younger sister I see a five-year-old coming home from kindergarten. Then I realized she turned 30 a few weeks ago, and it feels so weird! 😹

[Nylocke]

Glad to see this channel is still kicking :D

[Guest]

I'm just over halfway through my 30s now. I think I'm OK with getting older. I don't think I'll even do anything about my wrinkles as (if) I progress on. It makes me laugh a little bit when people try to stop looking older.

 

Walking past my old secondary school recently I realised I left 20 years ago. Time moves on but that's OK. 🙂

[Anomaly Q3Xr]

@Guybrush Threepwood I'll be turning 40 in less than six months. It used to bother me getting older, but even at 40 there is still a lot of years still ahead. Better to just make the most of every day instead of worrying about the years behind us

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Sammie M said:

@Guybrush Threepwood I'll be turning 40 in less than six months. It used to bother me getting older, but even at 40 there is still a lot of years still ahead. Better to just make the most of every day instead of worrying about the years behind us

Some people really struggle with it. Strangely, I think since researching my family tree it helped put life in perspective more. I'm happy to know where I came from. There was so much I didn't know before about my ancestors.

[Guest]

People who remain young at heart are delightful. Once talked to a lady in her 70s, she didn't feel old yet.

 

I don't understand why people would bother doing anything about wrinkles. Seems like a lot of hassle to hide something natural.

[Anomaly Q3Xr]

2 minutes ago, Lilika said:

People who remain young at heart are delightful. Once talked to a lady in her 70s, she didn't feel old yet.

I plan on living to be well over 100, so I am still young in comparison  

 

I've known a fair few young-at-heart people, and I agree they are generally delightful people.

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Sammie M said:

I plan on living to be well over 100, so I am still young in comparison  

 

I've known a fair few young-at-heart people, and I agree they are generally delightful people.

That’s where I differ. Although happy with getting older I’d like to clock out in my 60s/70s. That’s a stage I have no interest in experiencing, for various reasons.

[cisalpine sparrow]

Hello, fellow "why are my bones creaking already? I'm way too young for this" people. I'm 30, asexual, in a relationship with an allosexual person and struggling because of our sexuality disparity. I'm mostly coming out of my lurking looking for kinship and conversation with other people who are or have been in similar situations.

 

Me and my partner, at first, were in a long distance relationship, only meeting in person a few times per year and having sex during those times (I was willing to try and in denial about my asexuality, blaming my utter lack of libido to lifelong depression and the medication for it). A couple years ago I came to terms with the fact that I am ace and at least some degree of sex repulsed, and came clean to my partner, who despite a high libido was willing to stay together and look for a solution. Things got serious enough between us to the point that last year I moved countries, with no safety net, to live with them somewhere I don't even speak the language of. I (maybe stupidly, but sex never crosses my brain ever) assumed that my partner had decided they were fine with celibacy as they never brought up again the sex conversation, but now, months down the line, I see how miserable they are with the lack of sex, and taking care of their needs by themselves isn't doing it, they have become constantly snippy at me and appear perpetually annoyed, and I'm not entirely sure what to do. We touched on the idea of them looking for casual sex partners a couple of times before, and they were open to the idea, but they did not seem interested in having a serious conversation about expectations and boundaries about the possibility of an open relationship, which has me worried and anxious.

 

I guess this is a twofold problem, sex and the worry that if the relationship does not work out now because of it, I'm basically stranded in a foreign country (I have a job but wouldn't be able to afford living by myself, and I have nothing left in my home country to go back to), which really compounds the sex part of the issue. I feel like my life is hanging by a thread, and it's a thread I'm repulsed by.

[MidnightStar]

On 5/17/2022 at 7:10 AM, cisalpine sparrow said:

Hello, fellow "why are my bones creaking already? I'm way too young for this" people. I'm 30, asexual, in a relationship with an allosexual person and struggling because of our sexuality disparity. I'm mostly coming out of my lurking looking for kinship and conversation with other people who are or have been in similar situations.

 

….but now, months down the line, I see how miserable they are with the lack of sex, and taking care of their needs by themselves isn't doing it, they have become constantly snippy at me and appear perpetually annoyed, and I'm not entirely sure what to do. We touched on the idea of them looking for casual sex partners a couple of times before, and they were open to the idea, but they did not seem interested in having a serious conversation about expectations and boundaries about the possibility of an open relationship, which has me worried and anxious

I am sorry for your situation. I am in a similar predicament however I have been married 13 years and have kids with an allo and I’ve recently discovered I’m asexual. My whole adult life finally made sense when I came across the term asexual. Anyways, my husband knows I’m asexual too, says he doesn’t plan on leaving but realistically I think we will end up divorced. But divorce after 13 years seems preferable to me as opposed to having unwanted sex for the next 40 years until I die. We are basically living as best friends and there’s a lot of love and joy in our house but theres always an elephant in the room. If you want to be friends send me a message. It sounds like we both could use a friend 

[Reindeer]

On 3/9/2011 at 4:36 PM, test account said:

This chat thread was started in 2011. Skip to the last page.

Hello!

[Guest]

Welcome to the club @Reindeer!

[Guest]

@Reindeer Welcome! 

[Anomaly Q3Xr]

Hey @Reindeer welcome  🧁

[cisalpine sparrow]

Today my partner wanted to sit down and finally have a proper conversation about them looking for other people to have sex with... it started well because I have been preparing myself for this and was ready to discuss boundaries and agree to something that would make both of us happy, but went downhill fast when they soon admitted they've already been talking to an acquaintance about our situation and this acquaintance is open to be their sex partner, and that if it's alright with me then tomorrow they'll be meeting up for sex. I tried to keep calm, but I ended having to leave the room because I was getting too anxious to talk about anything. My partner later apologized for this, but in all honesty that this is happening like this at all made me lose a bit of trust in them.

 

I have no idea if I'll even be able to look at them in the face tomorrow when I come home from work knowing what happened during the day.

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, cisalpine sparrow said:

Today my partner wanted to sit down and finally have a proper conversation about them looking for other people to have sex with... it started well because I have been preparing myself for this and was ready to discuss boundaries and agree to something that would make both of us happy, but went downhill fast when they soon admitted they've already been talking to an acquaintance about our situation and this acquaintance is open to be their sex partner, and that if it's alright with me then tomorrow they'll be meeting up for sex. I tried to keep calm, but I ended having to leave the room because I was getting too anxious to talk about anything. My partner later apologized for this, but in all honesty that this is happening like this at all made me lose a bit of trust in them.

 

I have no idea if I'll even be able to look at them in the face tomorrow when I come home from work knowing what happened during the day.

Sorry you're going through that. Must feel horrible that they've been talking to other people before even discussing it with you.

[MidnightStar]

1 hour ago, cisalpine sparrow said:

Today my partner wanted to sit down and finally have a proper conversation about them looking for other people to have sex with... it started well because I have been preparing myself for this and was ready to discuss boundaries and agree to something that would make both of us happy, but went downhill fast when they soon admitted they've already been talking to an acquaintance about our situation and this acquaintance is open to be their sex partner, and that if it's alright with me then tomorrow they'll be meeting up for sex. I tried to keep calm, but I ended having to leave the room because I was getting too anxious to talk about anything. My partner later apologized for this, but in all honesty that this is happening like this at all made me lose a bit of trust in them.

 

I have no idea if I'll even be able to look at them in the face tomorrow when I come home from work knowing what happened during the day.

I feel like I would consider this cheating or at least planning to cheat. Me and my husband have an agreement that he’s not going to sneak around and find someone else. He needs to tell me BEFORE he even starts looking around for other options. We talked about an open marriage and he seemed to consider it until I told him, if it were open on his end, I wanted it open on my end too so I could look around for a more compatible partner too (someone Ace). After hearing that he quickly decided he didn’t want an open marriage if it meant I was looking too 🤷‍♀️😆

[cisalpine sparrow]

I also tried to bring up the fact that if they were seeing someone else, even just for sex, then I should be able to potentially do the same, but I just got dismissed with a "You're not interested in sex, and if you want to go out on dates, then you can just do it with me." I don't even have any interest in doing it, anyway (and my partner knows), but them saying that made me really feel like this is just about me making concessions that won't be reciprocated if it ever comes to it.

[MidnightStar]

21 minutes ago, cisalpine sparrow said:

I also tried to bring up the fact that if they were seeing someone else, even just for sex, then I should be able to potentially do the same, but I just got dismissed with a "You're not interested in sex, and if you want to go out on dates, then you can just do it with me." I don't even have any interest in doing it, anyway (and my partner knows), but them saying that made me really feel like this is just about me making concessions that won't be reciprocated if it ever comes to it.

Your partner doesn’t get to make all the rules. Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to date, have sex and do whatever she wants and have you waiting at home for her with a hot meal and clean house. If you’re going to open the relationship I would definitely establish rules and boundaries your both in agreement with. I don’t particularly want another partner ever again either. Relationships are hard work and my ideal situation is a nice small house by the beach by myself with a dog and my kids and eventually grand kids. I don’t think I need a partner to be happy but I do often wonder what it’ll be like to live with someone as a best friend that doesn’t expect me to have sex with them ever and doesn’t get mad/sad when I turn them down 

[Guest]

25 minutes ago, MidnightStar said:

Your partner doesn’t get to make all the rules. Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to date, have sex and do whatever she wants and have you waiting at home for her with a hot meal and clean house. If you’re going to open the relationship I would definitely establish rules and boundaries your both in agreement with. I don’t particularly want another partner ever again either. Relationships are hard work and my ideal situation is a nice small house by the beach by myself with a dog and my kids and eventually grand kids. I don’t think I need a partner to be happy but I do often wonder what it’ll be like to live with someone as a best friend that doesn’t expect me to have sex with them ever and doesn’t get mad/sad when I turn them down 

I agree with the above. That sounds one-sided and not fair.

 

@MidnightStarif you don't mind answering: You say that relationships are hard work. In what ways do they tend to be? I haven't ever been in a proper one but am interested to try if they're something for me, so it'd be interesting to hear your experiences. If you'd rather not elaborate I understand!

[MidnightStar]

1 minute ago, Lilika said:

I agree with the above. That sounds one-sided and not fair.

 

@MidnightStarif you don't mind answering: You say that relationships are hard work. In what ways do they tend to be? I haven't ever been in a proper one but am interested to try if they're something for me, so it'd be interesting to hear your experiences. If you'd rather not elaborate I understand!

I’ve only been in relationships with Allo’s because I didn’t realize I was asexual until I was married for 13 years so my perception may be slightly skewed but personally, I find it difficult having to constantly be in agreement on things I want to happen in my life. For example, I really want a dog, my husband does NOT want a dog, I have been trying to convince him for years and still no dog. I feel like we need to be in agreement before I bring one into our home so no dog. If I were single I’d just go get a darn dog. This situation can be applied to nearly all aspects of your life. You want to move? Have to convince your partner. You want to have children? Partner has to agree. You want to buy a new couch? Have to talk about it first. It’s exhausting. 
 

On the sexual + asexual relationship side it just plain sucks. For 13 years I had sex I didn’t particularly want to have or enjoy because I thought it was what I had to do to have a healthy relationship. I’ve come out to my husband about a year ago and we haven’t had sex since. We are functioning as a happy family but there’s always an elephant in the room especially when the kids are in bed at night and it’s just us on the couch. He’ll leave eventually I’m sure, when someone turns his head at work or something so I’m mentally and financially preparing for that and honestly it will be a relief to not constantly feeling like I’m letting him down. I’d rather divorce after 13 years than have unwanted sex for the next 40 years until I die. 

[cisalpine sparrow]

I had an emotionally draining conversation with my partner the day after I made my last post, and we decided to not break up. It was absolutely disarming to realize she did not consider what she did cheating at all. But in the end I got it through that either the relationship is open on both sides, or it's not open on either, which I think is making her rethink it since she hasn't brought it up again since then. I just hope that if it comes up again, it won't be another "so btw I've got a date tomorrow is it cool y/n?"

[Passer]

On 5/22/2022 at 8:40 PM, MidnightStar said:

I’ve only been in relationships with Allo’s because I didn’t realize I was asexual until I was married for 13 years so my perception may be slightly skewed but personally, I find it difficult having to constantly be in agreement on things I want to happen in my life. For example, I really want a dog, my husband does NOT want a dog, I have been trying to convince him for years and still no dog. I feel like we need to be in agreement before I bring one into our home so no dog. If I were single I’d just go get a darn dog. This situation can be applied to nearly all aspects of your life. You want to move? Have to convince your partner. You want to have children? Partner has to agree. You want to buy a new couch? Have to talk about it first. It’s exhausting. 
 

On the sexual + asexual relationship side it just plain sucks. For 13 years I had sex I didn’t particularly want to have or enjoy because I thought it was what I had to do to have a healthy relationship. I’ve come out to my husband about a year ago and we haven’t had sex since. We are functioning as a happy family but there’s always an elephant in the room especially when the kids are in bed at night and it’s just us on the couch. He’ll leave eventually I’m sure, when someone turns his head at work or something so I’m mentally and financially preparing for that and honestly it will be a relief to not constantly feeling like I’m letting him down. I’d rather divorce after 13 years than have unwanted sex for the next 40 years until I die. 

@MidnightStar I had to laugh a bit at your 'wanting a dog' explanation, because I'm dealing with the same thing only I want a cat.  (husband is allergic though, so that's a good reason not to want one, I guess)
If you don't mind, can I ask how your partner reacted to you being asexual and how you came to the decision to get all sex off the table? I recently told my (allosexual) partner and he can't see himself giving up sex at all. He doesn't have to, I'm up to having sex every now and then, yet I don't think he'd like to scale down from our 'at least once a week' average that we're on now. So that's something we'll have to work on. Like you, I'm afraid he'll leave me if there's no sex. I'm loving him and our life together (with the kids) too much to want to be single though. Even if I can't get a cat. (I'll wear him down eventually, I hope 😝) 

 

On 6/1/2022 at 11:19 AM, cisalpine sparrow said:

I had an emotionally draining conversation with my partner the day after I made my last post, and we decided to not break up. It was absolutely disarming to realize she did not consider what she did cheating at all. But in the end I got it through that either the relationship is open on both sides, or it's not open on either, which I think is making her rethink it since she hasn't brought it up again since then. I just hope that if it comes up again, it won't be another "so btw I've got a date tomorrow is it cool y/n?"

@cisalpine sparrow I'm sorry for the situation you're in. It must be draining to not know where you stand exactly. How's the rest of the relationship? Are you on the same page for the other stuff? Are you still having fun together?

 

 

Also, on another note, I'm so glad I'm in a steady relationship (20 years now) and I don't have to do the whole dating thing at this age (I'm 37). I have some friends that are newly single and some that never had a longlasting relationship and from what I hear from their dating experiences, it can really suck. The older people get, the more bagage they have. They can be divorced and have kids, for instance. And if you don't have kids but might want them, the biological clock ticks louder and louder the more years you add on top of the big 3-0.

In a way I'm also glad the whole asexual thing is only playing a part for me now, because I think it would've made dating or finding a partner harder for me. Looking back, I was basically following along with what the other wanted, as it was all new and mostly exciting (no hard boundaries were crossed) and I was okay with everything that happened. Now, having more life experience, I am more aware of what I want and don't want and I can't really imagine finding a partner that would fit all my criteria. My husband is not perfect, no-one is, but his list of pro's is way longer (and of more value) than his list of con's. I don't think I'd have the patience to see if the pro's outweighed the con's with a new partner. Luckily I don't have to  

Edited June 4, 2022 by Passer

[Terra Branford]

I'll be hitting the big 3-0 next year, I noticed the dynamics of my friendships and previous associations with a lot of people have changed over the years due to them getting into relationships/having kids. Sometimes I wonder where I'll be in the future or if I'll suddenly start longing for a partner. Right now, luckily I have some people I can hang out with and have fun with. I don't date and have no plans to in the near future. I almost live this way in order to kind of rebel against other people's expectations of me in terms of finding a romantic partner. It's just not something I see happening especially in this social media dating climate we're in. Sometimes I get curious but not enough to want to do anything about. It's just a passing thought based on the see that was planted in my head years ago about marriage/love. Everyone around me thinks I should have or will be swept off my feet soon and I find myself waiting for this click and it never happens. I lost my curiosity about others a long time ago, when I finally woke up from fantasy land. Right now, my goal is to live peacefully and tranquilly with me, myself, and I. 

[Guest]

20 hours ago, Luna Aureliea said:

I'll be hitting the big 3-0 next year, I noticed the dynamics of my friendships and previous associations with a lot of people have changed over the years due to them getting into relationships/having kids. Sometimes I wonder where I'll be in the future or if I'll suddenly start longing for a partner. Right now, luckily I have some people I can hang out with and have fun with. I don't date and have no plans to in the near future. I almost live this way in order to kind of rebel against other people's expectations of me in terms of finding a romantic partner. It's just not something I see happening especially in this social media dating climate we're in. Sometimes I get curious but not enough to want to do anything about. It's just a passing thought based on the see that was planted in my head years ago about marriage/love. Everyone around me thinks I should have or will be swept off my feet soon and I find myself waiting for this click and it never happens. I lost my curiosity about others a long time ago, when I finally woke up from fantasy land. Right now, my goal is to live peacefully and tranquilly with me, myself, and I. 

It’s a lonely experience watching friends drift away because they’re in a relationship, progressing with their career or having kids. I’ve seen a mix of all three now and kind of just accepted it because I can’t change it. Some people I no longer hear from and others only write very occasionally but don’t really seem particularly interested in my life anymore. I wish they’d stop writing in some ways. I’m happy I found this forum to at least discuss these things and know people might understand.

 

I think the chances of me being in a relationship or having kids is very low at this point. Having kids probably 0% really for various reasons.

[Katy Linn]

34 minutes ago, Guybrush Threepwood said:

It’s a lonely experience watching friends drift away because they’re in a relationship, progressing with their career or having kids. I’ve seen a mix of all three now and kind of just accepted it because I can’t change it. Some people I no longer hear from and others only write very occasionally but don’t really seem particularly interested in my life anymore. I wish they’d stop writing in some ways. I’m happy I found this forum to at least discuss these things and know people might understand.

 

I think the chances of me being in a relationship or having kids is very low at this point. Having kids probably 0% really for various reasons.

Same here. It's been a few lonely years as most of my friends got married and had kids around the same time. I have noticed though that now that their kids are a little older, these relationships become stronger again, both in terms of spending time and in shared topics and interests.