For 30-somethings and those around that age

[Raire]

15 minutes ago, AJ 0688 said:

I discovered I was ace a few years ago and to be honest I know I'm ace I just don't know who I am as an ace yet. Do you know what I mean? 

I know exactly what you mean! 

 

I've identified as ace for a few years too (probably longer than that in reality - I only discovered the term 2-3 years ago though), but I haven't gone down the rabbit-hole of categorising myself further than that. I probably should... but it's easier to just live under the broader umbrella-term of 'Asexual' rather than branching off. 

[bluedragonwings]

59 minutes ago, AJ 0688 said:

Hi everyone so I have a question. (Probably one you've all gotten before so sorry in advance).

 

Have you all know where on the Ace spectrum you fall under? If so how did you figure yourself out? 

 

I discovered I was ace a few years ago and to be honest I know I'm ace I just don't know who I am as an ace yet. Do you know what I mean? 

 

I'll ask this in the question boards to but I just wanted to get some feedback from people around my age if that's okay?

Nope. Gradual never-ending process of discovery.

For me the process has been 1) research 2) contemplate 3) self-identity 4) reassess 5)go to 1

[ClaryFray1984]

7 hours ago, AJ 0688 said:

Hi everyone so I have a question. (Probably one you've all gotten before so sorry in advance).

 

Have you all know where on the Ace spectrum you fall under? If so how did you figure yourself out? 

 

I discovered I was ace a few years ago and to be honest I know I'm ace I just don't know who I am as an ace yet. Do you know what I mean? 

 

I'll ask this in the question boards to but I just wanted to get some feedback from people around my age if that's okay?

I have no idea where I am in aceness just that I am lol

[Tetus]

On 3/30/2021 at 8:34 AM, AJ 0688 said:

Hi everyone so I have a question. (Probably one you've all gotten before so sorry in advance).

 

Have you all know where on the Ace spectrum you fall under? If so how did you figure yourself out? 

 

I discovered I was ace a few years ago and to be honest I know I'm ace I just don't know who I am as an ace yet. Do you know what I mean? 

 

I'll ask this in the question boards to but I just wanted to get some feedback from people around my age if that's okay?

First of all, it's definitely okay!

 

Different people need different things out of their self-identity, including different levels of specificity. If you're not sure exactly who you are, I'd say that's generally a good sign! Being open to the idea of being wrong about yourself is important, which I think most people here can relate to (especially those of us who didn't have any exposure to the concept of asexuality at a younger age).

 

That's not to say that someone who has a handful of labels they apply to themselves is being silly or wrong - it might just be more important to them. I personally am always concerned about letting labels have power over me: 'I shouldn't do X, because I'm Y', so I prefer to think of most aspects of myself as existing on a spectrum, and just not worry about pinning that down too tightly.

 

As to how SUCCESSFUL I am on any given day about not obsessing over identity questions, that's a separate issue.

 

Basically: you're in good company. Or some kind of company anyway.

[Hypnotic]

8 hours ago, Epic Tetus said:

First of all, it's definitely okay!

 

Different people need different things out of their self-identity, including different levels of specificity. If you're not sure exactly who you are, I'd say that's generally a good sign! Being open to the idea of being wrong about yourself is important, which I think most people here can relate to (especially those of us who didn't have any exposure to the concept of asexuality at a younger age).

 

That's not to say that someone who has a handful of labels they apply to themselves is being silly or wrong - it might just be more important to them. I personally am always concerned about letting labels have power over me: 'I shouldn't do X, because I'm Y', so I prefer to think of most aspects of myself as existing on a spectrum, and just not worry about pinning that down too tightly.

 

As to how SUCCESSFUL I am on any given day about not obsessing over identity questions, that's a separate issue.

 

Basically: you're in good company. Or some kind of company anyway.

I completely agree with this. This is why I label myself mostly as grey because how I feel about sex can really depend who I’m with. Definitely labels are important but also being open to a level of change/fluidity is too. This is why I’m also reluctant to put ace on a dating profile. I have been surprised at how my feelings can change for people. For many years I thought I was heteromantic  then I had sexual feelings for women then romantic feelings. For me labels are a fluid thing. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Hypnotic said:

I completely agree with this. This is why I label myself mostly as grey because how I feel about sex can really depend who I’m with. Definitely labels are important but also being open to a level of change/fluidity is too. This is why I’m also reluctant to put ace on a dating profile. I have been surprised at how my feelings can change for people. For many years I thought I was heteromantic  then I had sexual feelings for women then romantic feelings. For me labels are a fluid thing. 

Thank for all your responses everybody ☺️. Glad it's not just me that feels like I'm kind of undecided but that it's ok. I have been seeing alot about pronouns on the internet these days and although I know they matter for some people, I'm just not in a place to tell if I'm one part or another. 

 

I only recently really understood what Aceflux means. It does make more sense to me as although I can have traits of various spectrum aspects I"m not completely one or the other. But definitely hetero. That's undeniable for me. 

 

 

[Gloomy]

Welp my 30th birthday is next month. Don't get me wrong I'm overall happy about it, but lately I've had a few musings I'd like to get off my chest. With my dark sense of humor I actually think they're kind of funny, for example one regarding my fictosexuality, my husbando Sonic is 25. I know 5 years ain't that big of an age gap (I mean my great-grandparents were over 20 years apart) but it still low key makes me feel like a cougar xD. But anyway...

 

One thing I've been feeling that's kind of weird, is although I don't want to get pregnant, part of me still gets bummed out when I hear about how AFABs fertility goes down when they're in their 30's. Maybe I'm just stubborn and don't like being kept from doing something by some outside force. Like I want to not have babies because I don't want to, not because my body said "Nope you're too old". Maybe it's just a reminder that my body won't be what it was in my early 20's. I don't know.

 

Also being the vain lady I am I sometimes get worried about my looks "fading" as I get older. Then again when my mom was 35 she was still able to work as a waitress at a strip club where she had to wear a skimpy outfit as her work uniform, and she's now in her early 50's and still looks pretty good despite the fact she smoked cigarettes for a couple decades and tanned a lot when she was younger, so with her genes I guess I should still be good for a while, lol. 

 

On the bright side, I actually like that I've been getting more gray hairs lately. The black hair dye that I use makes my grays have a cool looking teal color, so hopefully when my hair gets really gray I'll be able to dye it cool pastel colors without having to bleach the shit out of it.

[Guest]

On 4/3/2021 at 4:30 AM, Gloomy said:

Welp my 30th birthday is next month. Don't get me wrong I'm overall happy about it, but lately I've had a few musings I'd like to get off my chest. With my dark sense of humor I actually think they're kind of funny, for example one regarding my fictosexuality, my husbando Sonic is 25. I know 5 years ain't that big of an age gap (I mean my great-grandparents were over 20 years apart) but it still low key makes me feel like a cougar xD. But anyway...

 

One thing I've been feeling that's kind of weird, is although I don't want to get pregnant, part of me still gets bummed out when I hear about how AFABs fertility goes down when they're in their 30's. Maybe I'm just stubborn and don't like being kept from doing something by some outside force. Like I want to not have babies because I don't want to, not because my body said "Nope you're too old". Maybe it's just a reminder that my body won't be what it was in my early 20's. I don't know.

 

Also being the vain lady I am I sometimes get worried about my looks "fading" as I get older. Then again when my mom was 35 she was still able to work as a waitress at a strip club where she had to wear a skimpy outfit as her work uniform, and she's now in her early 50's and still looks pretty good despite the fact she smoked cigarettes for a couple decades and tanned a lot when she was younger, so with her genes I guess I should still be good for a while, lol. 

 

On the bright side, I actually like that I've been getting more gray hairs lately. The black hair dye that I use makes my grays have a cool looking teal color, so hopefully when my hair gets really gray I'll be able to dye it cool pastel colors without having to bleach the shit out of it.

Honestly don't worry about turning 30. I'm a 32 year old woman and yes the baby thing is something we ladies all come up against as we get older and there are always options for other ways to have children if you really want to if your body says "ding! That's it you're done"

 

As for your looks I am sure you look great 😊 it's ugly SOB's like me who have to worry 😂🤣 but I figure as long as I try to maintain a healthier lifestyle and take care of myself it should reflect in the way I look. 

 

...but then again I'm also the mental ages of a 15 year old so I tend to just bask in that 😂🤣😂🤣 never old in my head just my body

[Nobody2021]

On 1/8/2021 at 9:56 AM, PenultimateSandwich said:

@thedonawho

 

I think that's a lovely tradition! Happy Birthday, by the way! I join your guys' side this year and I hear that once you hit 30, it's not as painful as dreading about it when you're 29! I'm looking forward to not stressing about getting old and accepting the lines on my face as a good thing!

Lol...I was surprised by how not bothered I was when I finally turned 30. I thought it was going to hurt more. Now I’m about to reach the half ways point of my 30s. Maybe I’ll be more bothered when I hit 40?

[Raire]

12 hours ago, Nobody2021 said:

Maybe I’ll be more bothered when I hit 40?

From a personal perspective of someone who'll be reaching the big four-zero this year, if age hasn't bothered you up to now, 40 will likely be no different! 

 

The only thing I remember about turning 30 was that the office I was working in booby-trapped my birthday card with hundreds of those awful glitter numbers. A fun gesture... up until I was still finding the bloody things months later. 

[Guest]

On 4/9/2021 at 3:57 AM, Nobody2021 said:

Lol...I was surprised by how not bothered I was when I finally turned 30. I thought it was going to hurt more. Now I’m about to reach the half ways point of my 30s. Maybe I’ll be more bothered when I hit 40?

To be honest I thought the only things I would regret when turning 30 is not doing enough in my late teens and early 20's.

 

I know so many people in my year at school who did all the stuff people said was fun or cool or that they made a big deal out of that I never did i.e. music festivals, drinking alcohol and the typically one having sex. 

 

I finally did all those things before I turned or as I was turning 30 and it turns out I hated most of them 🤣😂. Sex is something uncomfortable, awkward and scary to me, music festivals, although there were some parts that were cool the sleeping in a tent in the rain and mud is definitely not for me and alcohol was great...then the peer pressure wore off and after multiple occasions, poor mental health and a bout of vertigo I realised I didn't like the way it feels to be paralytically drunk... So I didn't miss out on anything and I should really have listen to myself and what made me comfortable.

 

Apparently life begins at 40... 🤣

[SpaceDustbin]

On 4/9/2021 at 4:57 AM, Nobody2021 said:

Lol...I was surprised by how not bothered I was when I finally turned 30

Yep. My 30th birthday actually was the best I had in years. Pretty much eating cake all day at work (my workplace at the time was very serious, as you can see 😛), having dinner with friends, and afterwards going to a pub quiz with other friends (though going to bed at 4am on a workday wasn't the best ever idea 😂) 

 

What also helped me was that a lot of my friends are a bit older than I am, so you know that people do survive turning 30 (plus, my hair was already starting to grey for some years, so that number doesn't say too much in that respect, haha) 

[bububbly]

On 3/2/2021 at 1:13 PM, KayR16 said:

I’m the same. It’s been a good few years since I went on a date and I have no desire to go back to it. It’s sometimes hard seeing everyone around you get married and have kids as you reach 30 (turning 30 this year), and the pandemic has made me feel more lonely, but I’m starting to realise that I don’t need romance to complete me. It’s never particularly bothered me before now, so why should that change. 
 

I’m still trying to fully embrace who I am, but I think this will put me in a much better place to embrace my friendships more and to put them first, no matter what anyway else says.

 

I guess at the end of the day, I just have to figure out what it is that makes me happy, and focus on that. 

Um, sorry to resurrect something from over a month ago but I feel that so much. I generally have a hard time connecting with people/building friendships, and in the past year my closest friend has gotten married and pregnant. I'm so happy for her, because it's what she wanted and she's happy. But every milestone for her is another obstacle in the course between us that has to be navigated before we can spend time together, and I feel like I'm moving further and further down the list of people she calls when something terrible or wonderful happens. And I feel like I have to move her further down my list too, or I will be too needy to fit into the life she has made for herself.

 

I'm glad to hear someone (a lot of someones in this thread, really) feel similar to me and have reached the point of being content with it. Hope I get there eventually too. 

[KayR16]

On 4/17/2021 at 7:46 PM, bububbly said:

Um, sorry to resurrect something from over a month ago but I feel that so much. I generally have a hard time connecting with people/building friendships, and in the past year my closest friend has gotten married and pregnant. I'm so happy for her, because it's what she wanted and she's happy. But every milestone for her is another obstacle in the course between us that has to be navigated before we can spend time together, and I feel like I'm moving further and further down the list of people she calls when something terrible or wonderful happens. And I feel like I have to move her further down my list too, or I will be too needy to fit into the life she has made for herself.

 

I'm glad to hear someone (a lot of someones in this thread, really) feel similar to me and have reached the point of being content with it. Hope I get there eventually too. 

You are definitely not alone in feeling that way. I had genuinely never questioned being alone until the pandemic hit and all my friends were coupling off and settling down. Like you say, I'm happy for them as I know that is what they want, but it definitely still hurts to feel like you will just get pushed aside more and more. It's a really fine balance.

 

Honestly, it takes time. I still have my bad days, and quite frankly we are constantly surrounded by this media idea of 'you must find the one' and you 'must marry someone and settle down and have 2.4 kids' and it feeds into the cycle running through the brain when you think maybe you should want that. I'm just trying to work on loving myself, putting myself first and determining what it is I want to get out of my life right now. It's definitely harder not being able to do much because of the pandemic, but I'm trying to embrace being uncomfortable and knowing that we are really not as alone as we think we are.

 

If you ever want to chat, please feel free to message me :).

[Lord Jade Cross]

Having reached the 30's range and halfway to mid 30's now and seeing that life is pretty much the same BS as it ever has been, I have to wonder what the hell is the point of repeating this all over till your in your 60's 

[alemaster]

turning 30 suuucked.

Turning 40 ... I have a little more hope for. I have a better idea of who I am and what I want out of life, and assuming nothing goes too pear-shaped in the couple years I'll be in a better position to maintain that.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Used to be that people would push you as a kid to how you needed to know what you wanted in life. Then by 18, you were supposed to have it all figured out, then by your late 20's at most, having achieved that and started a family, then by 30 have had figured out and gotten all your shit together.

 

The older I get, the more painfully obvious it looks like people don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

[Zagadka]

Yea, you were expected to have your career planned out by 20 and start pumping out kids. That has thankfully started to change.

[Snao Cone]

Well they tortured and scared you for 20-odd years

Then they expect you to pick a career

But you can't really function, you're so full of fear

[Lord Jade Cross]

 

6 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

Well they tortured and scared you for 20-odd years

Then they expect you to pick a career

But you can't really function, you're so full of fear

Hard not to be

[Snao Cone]

2 minutes ago, Comrade Jade Cross said:

 

Hard not to be

It's from Working Class Hero by John Lennon. I think you would like this verse too:

 

There's room at the top, they are telling you still

But first you must learn how to smile as you kill

If you want to be like the folks on the hill

[Lord Jade Cross]

Thing is, I don't really believe in anything people say much anymore, nor wish to be like them. That was true once upon a time, as it were but that faery tale has long since passed

[Snao Cone]

The past 2-3 years for me have really helped realign my views to what they were like a long time ago. I say that in a good way. The brilliance of mediocrity, striving for where I already am because I'm most complete when I'm unfinished.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Wish I shared that philosophy

[Zagadka]

17 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

The brilliance of mediocrity

I'm glad I realized a while ago that I didn't want to or need to strive for greatness and wreck myself for a career I hated doing with my life and just find something I liked doing modestly.

[Lord Jade Cross]

For me its... different. I don't actively pursue some honor bound goal to achieve a revolutionary thing or anything, but at the same time, I always feel hollow.

 

There are very few things that are safer from that feeling, and they have been dangerously getting close to suffering the same sensation. 

[Snao Cone]

Trying to "advance" and "achieve" in my adulthood then going back to what I found was easier and I was good at enough for people to allow me to be just a sliver of my authentic self has helped make me feel far more fulfilled than if I hadn't explored those other things. I'm very fortunate that I've been able to test out waters but still go back.

[Zagadka]

Some people simply have different goals. I'm not advising other people that "my way is better"... there are definitely people who are 100% driven on achieving power and career and status. That just really, really isn't for *me*, and I'm glad I realized that early on.

[JaclynA]

Hiii. I'm 37. I found out about asexuality when I got involved with the trans community. I befriended a lot of trans people and was humbled to be invited into their lives. Through them, I learned about asexuality. I remember it felt like a record scratch and I knew it was something to look into. As I read up on it I cried and felt so emotional as I finally felt seen and validated, and past experiences started to make sense. For example, I threw my shoe at the TV while watching Shakespeare in Love because I thought the sex scene was so fake. I believe my husband was at work at the time so I was texting him through my tears and he was supportive and happy that I found terms and words that resonated with me. However, he was afraid I'd never have sex with him again and started an affair with a co-worker. Although we have worked through it together, I still don't feel 100% safe sharing what I've learned about my asexuality with him. However, I have learned that my sexual needs are valid, even though they are different for his. I grew up conservative Christian in the South and assumed everyone else was like me and had no issues waiting for marriage for sex. It wasn't a struggle for me. And in marriage, I was taught as the wife to give myself to my husband whenever he wanted, that it was selfish to deny him. The idea that I might have my own needs worthy of being met was not part of that upbringing. That went on for a decade. I was exhausted. Finally after learning about asexuality I was able to more openly explore what my actual needs were, and to express them, and to have them met. I wanted more time snuggling, I wanted someone to brush my hair, I wanted to sit cuddled up under blankets talking about our lives and dreams. My husband has done a better job understanding that these are needs and learning that fulfilling them is just as pleasurable for me as sex is for him. He also thought making his partner "finish" was the only way to satisfy someone sexually until we more openly discussed and validated my needs. Anyway. That is the long story short. Excited to learn from and meet people here. ❤️ 

[Zagadka]

19 minutes ago, JaclynA said:

Hiii. I'm 37. I found out about asexuality when I got involved with the trans community. I befriended a lot of trans people and was humbled to be invited into their lives. Through them, I learned about asexuality. I remember it felt like a record scratch and I knew it was something to look into. As I read up on it I cried and felt so emotional as I finally felt seen and validated, and past experiences started to make sense.

Yea, i found out about it at around the same age, and it was like "holy crap, that's a thing?" It is a pretty common response for older people who spent years just confused, frustrated, and broken. Congratulations and welcome!