For 30-somethings and those around that age

[clawdy]

On 04.02.2021 at 3:19 AM, Snao Cone said:

Hmm, I've had more friendships with single straight men than unavailable ones. I suppose that's backfired a couple of times, but I've still managed to make it clear that if they developed feelings for me it's their own problem to deal with. People develop feelings from a complicated mix of factors, but they're rationally capable of working through them in a constructive way if they put the effort into doing so. Maybe if you equip yourself with that message - telling people softly but clearly that you're never going to be into them, but you can still be friends if they process their feelings in a healthy way - you can have a couple of success stories that make you feel more confident/comfortable in general.

True, but that's generally how you turn down a person and I have no problem whatsoever in turning down people. In fact I'm quite an expert in running them off 🤣

Perhaps I didn't express myself well. I get extremely anxios when men shiw interest in me and I have a problem with my reaction. I want to be, at some point, involved in a serious romantic relationship with someone, but I can't get passed this emotional blockage. I think 90% of it is due to being sex repulsed and the fear that I'd have to deal with getting physical if I get involved in a relationship. My only hope is finding another ace guy and even then chances are slim I'll act like a normal person 😅

[myobi]

On 1/22/2021 at 2:20 PM, Constant gardener said:

Hi everyone

 

I'm having a sad day. I feel a little better after reading the latest posts here, but today I just feel lonely and sad that I might  not ever get be someone elses significant other. The person they put before anyone else. The person who is always there to go on adventures with. Seems like everyone else has that person for them. 

 

I don't usually let my thoughts go in this direction. I do have a lot to be thankful for. Maybe it's because my birthday is coming up.

 

Anyways, sending love to this group. It is nice to know that others are going through the same journey. 

I had a similar thought recently and was feeling pretty sad and depressed.

I knew I was ace ~5 years ago and was relieved and content with it. I’m usually happy being by myself and as an aroace I’m glad I don’t need to waste time trying to find chemistry or romance that doesn’t exist.

but the last year has been tough and I’m not able to do all the things I love and yeah I’m feeling lonely.

I’m now questioning my aro and thinking maybe I’m grey ace? Or cupioromantic? I don’t really care for labels to put on myself but I don’t understand why I’m suddenly desiring companionship and emotional closeness when I didn’t feel the need to before. Is it because I’m getting older? 😁

I still don’t quite understand romantic attraction and what being in love feels like because I never experienced what others describe. But the selfish part of me wants this other person who would pay attention to me and care for me, while I can’t really return that feeling. I know this is not fair to the hypothetical partner so I’ll never do it in real life. But this makes me sad. 

[QuoVadis]

Having turned 30 at the end of last year I'm finding like I have finally found my footing in my life, regarding my identity, what I want from life, my hobbies, job, expectations, boundaries, etc. I'm excited to see what my 30s bring. Even though my sex therapist does not feel I am asexual (believe me though, she is amazing and I've benefited so much from seeing her), I've wavered back toward diving into that self-ID and staying there simply because I had a very bad but very formative and informational foray into dating in January which really was my much-needed, "Should've had a V8!" moment about all the poor decisions and lack of listening to my own intuition which had brought me to my pitiful point in my 20s. I started talking to this guy from a site that focused on my particular primary sexual fetish (see my posts if you're curious), and I was really excited about possibly dating him. Very very novel feeling for me. We lined up in a lot of ways but I saw past the red flags. Yadda yadda, month goes on, we try to meet in person in a socially distanced setting, and he totally wastes my time/demonstrates horrible communication, and for whatever reason I decided to finally grow a spine and decide, "No. I'm not standing for this." So I rejected his wishes to make further plans and shut the whole thing down, to which he oh so nicely turned right around (after asking if we could still be friends, of course) and then told me I was projecting my insecurities on him by not giving him a second change to prove he can do better, and then straight told me i was ugly. Ah, the male fragile ego at work. It was amazing. That had never ever happened to me before, and suddenly I went - oh my GOD. This is what most women experience at some point when dating. And for what? 

 

Seriously, for WHAT? So people can use your body as a bargaining chip? So you can experience an orgasm (but have to put up with some man child day in and day out)? So someone can be there to help you do laundry? It made me realize that in the 8 years of my life I was in relationships, I was never EVER with a partner who enriched my life. I was only with people who diminished my sense of self and made my life actively more stressful. But I just ate those feelings and said, "Oh, but noBoDy wiLl lovE yOu if you Aren'T moRe comProMiSing!!!" 

 

Like - whoah. I don't know, it scared me toward a direction I needed to be heading toward, which was that I need to quit settling for what society wants me to do, and start listening to my own needs and wants. Whether or not those needs or wants include having regular sex, or even being romantically involved with a man or woman, that's for me to decide. But it feels like having this delayed life experience and suddenly, clarity, surrounding the idea that, "Wait, I DON'T have to settle for losers, or have sex when I don't want to..." was just what I needed to ring in my 30s. 

 

Feel like it is only going to get better from here. 

[Ksenia]

2 hours ago, QuoVadis said:

Having turned 30 at the end of last year I'm finding like I have finally found my footing in my life, regarding my identity, what I want from life, my hobbies, job, expectations, boundaries, etc. I'm excited to see what my 30s bring. Even though my sex therapist does not feel I am asexual (believe me though, she is amazing and I've benefited so much from seeing her), I've wavered back toward diving into that self-ID and staying there simply because I had a very bad but very formative and informational foray into dating in January which really was my much-needed, "Should've had a V8!" moment about all the poor decisions and lack of listening to my own intuition which had brought me to my pitiful point in my 20s. I started talking to this guy from a site that focused on my particular primary sexual fetish (see my posts if you're curious), and I was really excited about possibly dating him. Very very novel feeling for me. We lined up in a lot of ways but I saw past the red flags. Yadda yadda, month goes on, we try to meet in person in a socially distanced setting, and he totally wastes my time/demonstrates horrible communication, and for whatever reason I decided to finally grow a spine and decide, "No. I'm not standing for this." So I rejected his wishes to make further plans and shut the whole thing down, to which he oh so nicely turned right around (after asking if we could still be friends, of course) and then told me I was projecting my insecurities on him by not giving him a second change to prove he can do better, and then straight told me i was ugly. Ah, the male fragile ego at work. It was amazing. That had never ever happened to me before, and suddenly I went - oh my GOD. This is what most women experience at some point when dating. And for what? 

 

Seriously, for WHAT? So people can use your body as a bargaining chip? So you can experience an orgasm (but have to put up with some man child day in and day out)? So someone can be there to help you do laundry? It made me realize that in the 8 years of my life I was in relationships, I was never EVER with a partner who enriched my life. I was only with people who diminished my sense of self and made my life actively more stressful. But I just ate those feelings and said, "Oh, but noBoDy wiLl lovE yOu if you Aren'T moRe comProMiSing!!!" 

 

Like - whoah. I don't know, it scared me toward a direction I needed to be heading toward, which was that I need to quit settling for what society wants me to do, and start listening to my own needs and wants. Whether or not those needs or wants include having regular sex, or even being romantically involved with a man or woman, that's for me to decide. But it feels like having this delayed life experience and suddenly, clarity, surrounding the idea that, "Wait, I DON'T have to settle for losers, or have sex when I don't want to..." was just what I needed to ring in my 30s. 

 

Feel like it is only going to get better from here. 

Hi! I have had a similar experience regarding to history related to frustrated dating and medical histroy of  intense  therapy related to sexual problems.  I also have a paraphilia wich difficult to reconcile with partnered sex, but my case is complicated by gender dysphoria. And I agree with you on all your points. 

 

Quote

Yadda yadda, month goes on, we try to meet in person in a socially distanced setting, and he totally wastes my time/demonstrates horrible communication, and for whatever reason I decided to finally grow a spine and decide, "No. I'm not standing for this.

Wow! I came to similar decision. I am  not ready to date wtih person only becasue he has compatible paraphilia/fetish with my paraphilia (In my fantasies I want to be bound, gagged abused, etc). My sexual masochism puts me in very vulnerable position, and I don't want to be abused by random person only because I have sometimes such fantasies.  We can have paraphilias, but it doesn't mean that we can tolerate horrible communication and poor attitude. 

 

Quote

Feel like it is only going to get better from here. 

Good luck! I think you will be successful on your life journey!

 

[TheAceNinja]

On 1/23/2021 at 5:43 PM, theBetsAround said:

I just want someone that is "my person" because friends always seem to leave you for a romantic relationship. 

This is so painful and I relate so much!! Especially when you reach the end of your 20s and early 30s. Everyone's been getting married (or at least settled down), and I feel like I keep loosing friends (that wasn't helped by the fact that I traveled extensively in my 20s), and making new ones just gets harder as you grow older.

I don't know if anyone can relate, but as a kid / teen I was already confused by this whole "leaving for a romantic relationship" thing. I remember saying stuff like "I believe friends are the most important people in life, but no one else seems to feel this way" (can't believe how long it took me to figure out I was also on the aromantic spectrum lol).

 

It's such a relief to know there are other people with similar experiences! 

 

 

@mytherapistsentmehere I have been avoiding dating pretty much all my adult life, out of fear that I would "need" to have sex regularly. I am sure a lot of aces can relate to your experience! I hope you can find comfort in reading some stories on here. I don't feel a desire to date anymore, but if you do, I hope you can find some ways to do it that allow you to be at peace with yourself.

[WarRocketAjax]

At this point (I'm 34) I just want to make friends. If more comes out of it fine. I'm sick of dating and dates in general.

[Skycaptain]

@WarRocketAjax, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

[Aimee03]

Coming to terms with the fact that I’m aroace ~

 

It’s a relief to find out I’m not the only one.

 

I feel like it gives me the freedom to stop pretending, but at the same time, I doubt my family would accept it if I ever try to tell them. 

It makes me very curious as to how other people experience sexual and romantic attraction, since I’m quite sure I’ve never felt those types of attraction.
 

Hmm.

[kkbyte]

On 2/25/2021 at 8:23 PM, WarRocketAjax said:

At this point (I'm 34) I just want to make friends. If more comes out of it fine. I'm sick of dating and dates in general.

Same here! I was trying to date this past year and it was just not for me. I wasn't dating because I wanted to. I was only trying to imitate things I'd seen other people do. I like the idea of romance, but in practice it just repulses me.

When it's safer to go out and meet people later this year, I'm going to focus completely on making more friends. Eliminating that whole idea of trying to find a romantic partner is so freeing... I can just go out and have fun with people without worrying about trying to play the role of romantic love interest.

[Snao Cone]

I am really hoping to hang out with people once it's safe to do so. I'll leave my dog with my parents for a few days and just sit in movie theatres and restaurants and absorb the feeling of being in public.

[Aimee03]

7 hours ago, kkbyte said:

I wasn't dating because I wanted to. I was only trying to imitate things I'd seen other people do.

Me too! 

 

I just realised I haven’t been on a date in about 5 years, and I couldn’t be happier. 😄

 

Dating is the worst. Quite a nice feeling, to delete any and all dating apps from my phone. 
 

7 hours ago, kkbyte said:

Eliminating that whole idea of trying to find a romantic partner is so freeing

It really is!! A couple weeks ago I stopped for a moment and asked myself, “do I really even want to find someone to marry?”

and promptly answered myself with a resounding NO. I do agree about wanting to go out to meet more friends, which I had been planning to do last year, but then the pandemic struck and ruined everything 🙃

[KayR16]

I’m the same. It’s been a good few years since I went on a date and I have no desire to go back to it. It’s sometimes hard seeing everyone around you get married and have kids as you reach 30 (turning 30 this year), and the pandemic has made me feel more lonely, but I’m starting to realise that I don’t need romance to complete me. It’s never particularly bothered me before now, so why should that change. 
 

I’m still trying to fully embrace who I am, but I think this will put me in a much better place to embrace my friendships more and to put them first, no matter what anyway else says.

 

I guess at the end of the day, I just have to figure out what it is that makes me happy, and focus on that. 

[Steelcurtain435]

I am 32 and just recently realized their are people that think similar to me.

I always knew I was different but until I sucked it up and went to therapy I thought no one was like me. 
It feels good reading the other post and finding that I can relate to a lot of them 

Edited March 15, 2021 by Steelcurtain435

[Depressed Muffin]

On 1/31/2021 at 5:43 AM, mytherapistsentmehere said:

I’ve felt so broken in realizing this. My therapist pointed me here and encouraged me to post and see if anyone else had experienced something similar. 

Yes, I have a similar experience. My first sexual experience was pretty much abuse, I agreed to do it, but I did not want it. It was a very stressful and painful relationship and I never felt safe with him. Honestly, all I wanted was for him to hug me and stop talking because every time he talked he said something horrible to me. For years I had no idea what he did to me. After 8 years I just noticed that anytime I think about it I feel gross. And I started to explore that feeling. And uncovered some memories I did not know I had. I'm very much traumatized and the sad thing is that trauma attracts more traumatic experiences, so there's more. I have flashbacks on daily basis, I have severe panic attacks before sleeping every night because of feeling my body too much (when everything is dark, quiet a nothing is happening around me, my mind focuses on feelings in my body, but because of trauma my brain thinks feeling my body is not safe) and I have to take a handful of meds to be able to even close my eyes at night. I'm really scared of relationships, but I also extremely want to be in one. And yes, I feel broken. I have a great therapist who helps me a lot. I'm learning how to be gentle with myself and to heal. I know it will take a long time to heal from all of this. But I know I deserve it and I like working on it.

 

I very much understand you. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You could never do anything to deserve this. If you want to talk more, I'm here. 

 

 

[ClaryFray1984]

On 1/31/2021 at 4:59 PM, Zyden said:

It's ridiculously hard right now to build a friend group. I don't date. I feel guilty 'leading people on' even though I'm transparent about my sexuality. It's actually attracted some very unwholesome people: either those taking it as a "challenge," or those with an ace fetishism.

 

Atm it seems better to do a lot of selfish things and personal hobbies 

I know how you feel. I just dont want to be with someone and have to do things I dont want to. 

[LeopardLegs]

I’m new around here and 33 and just realising that I might be asexual, but either sex indifferent or sex favourable. I’ve recently started counselling as during the pandemic I’ve had the realisation that I don’t really know who I am or what I want. I’d also identified that I’d had a series of unsuccessful relationships and I wanted to better understand my feelings about relationships and sex. 
 

I’ve been mulling over the topic of my sexuality for a while now. This was actually triggered by a Reddit thread where someone had asked about not finding many men on dating apps attractive and I really related to that. I’ve always seen people saying that women are overwhelmed with matches on dating sites and I used to think I must just be unattractive since that wasn’t the case for me, but I think actually it’s that I barely swipe right on anyone. The top comment on that thread was from someone who realised she was a lesbian later in life and that triggered me to consider my own sexuality because I’d literally never thought about it, I just assumed I was a heterosexual woman. I ended up reading some of the lesbian forums and I could relate to what they said about compulsory heterosexuality but not so much about the feelings for women. I did consider how I felt about women because I notice women more than men actually but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I just find them more aesthetically pleasing. 
 

During my last counselling session I really explained to my counsellor how I’ve felt about men and when I’ve had sex. I just wasn’t interested in boys/men when I was younger as my friends were. My mum always said I was too fussy. I actually had a ‘serious’ boyfriend and lost my virginity earlier than most of my friends but he expressed an interest in me first (which has been the story of all of my relationships) and pursued me and I kept waiting to have sex. He kept pushing and pushing, everyone at school was on about it and so although I didn’t really have any desire to have it, I did it because I thought I should. I’d never even masterbated before I had sex for the first time, I only started that because he kept asking me if I’d orgasmed and I said I didn’t think so and he told me there was something wrong with me. So I self experimented and found that I could, he just had no clue what he was doing. 
 

I continued to have sex but only in relationships or in situations where I already knew the person well. But I’ve realised that I never felt sexually attracted to them, or desired sex with them. It was more of a conscious decision for other reasons, often that I wanted to feel desired myself. I noticed when I went out with friends they would frequently find someone they felt sexually attracted to, but I just never felt like that. It’s like I’m just not programmed that way, I just see people as people. 
 

I explained to my therapist that it’s almost like I have seen sex as a hobby. I’ve read a lot about it, I like learning about it, I like practising new techniques and trying things out on a person and seeing their reaction. I’m more interested in what I’m doing to them than what they’re doing to me. I find it very hard to be in the moment and present during sex and it’s hard for me to ‘finish’ with a partner. I’ve often thought that I myself don’t really get anything more from it then what I’d get on my own. I had a guy who wanted a friends with benefits scenario but I couldn’t see why I would drive half an hour to go and have sex with him. It’s nice to be physically close with a person but there’s definitely something missing there for me.

 

I think I just consciously decide who I will have sex with based on our relationship, aesthetic attraction and whether I like the person. I have initiated sex in a long term relationship but it was not because I desired the person, it was because I thought that was what I should be doing to be a good partner. I often would have been happier doing something else and I never really understood people when they would seem shocked that someone could go months or years without having sex. Once there’s some kissing or sexual touching I can then feel like I want to have sex, but I still think that’s more about my body’s response than because I desire that specific person. I might experience increased libido when I have a new partner but generally it diminishes quite quickly to the point where I could take or leave sex.

 

Anyway I wanted to post to see if anyone could relate and just because it’s nice to connect with other similar people. I’m still figuring out the romantic side of things. I’m so impressed by younger people who have just seemingly figured this out so early on, it’s almost embarrassing that I just didn’t even realise that how I feel is not how everyone feels! I think it doesn’t help that I have always been quite a private person who hasn’t had in depth discussions with friends about sex, and from things my mum has said I actually think she may be the same as me.

[Snao Cone]

Welcome, @LeopardLegs! A lot of what you said resonated with me, even though I haven't been in any actual relationships. I still have felt like sex is something to pursue in order to prove myself, like it was a duty to express just how I feel about sex as nothing to hide from by having it. Even then, it was so infrequent for me because it was a chore. It took a long time for me because I didn't care about sex from two directions: on a moral level, as I think sex is fine and not precious or damaging, and on a personal level since I didn't get in situations of having it very often (as I've always known I'm not a relationship person, so I didn't just fall into that many sexual scenarios through other pursuits). 

[Skycaptain]

@LeopardLegs, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

[Steelcurtain435]

@LeopardLegs i find that I can really relate to your post. Growing up I knew I was different from other guys. I never understood why my friends were so obsessed with trying to have sex. It was never really appealing to me.

 

I do find women attractive and as you said when the relationship is new or if I am in the moment my libido is increased but it is short lived. Even during those times there isn’t much of a desire past that of pleasing my partner. 
 

my friends and even my brother don’t understand how I can go without sex. They even discuss it among themselves. As a private person myself, I find that a bit messed up

[LeopardLegs]

12 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

Welcome, @LeopardLegs! A lot of what you said resonated with me, even though I haven't been in any actual relationships. I still have felt like sex is something to pursue in order to prove myself, like it was a duty to express just how I feel about sex as nothing to hide from by having it. Even then, it was so infrequent for me because it was a chore. It took a long time for me because I didn't care about sex from two directions: on a moral level, as I think sex is fine and not precious or damaging, and on a personal level since I didn't get in situations of having it very often (as I've always known I'm not a relationship person, so I didn't just fall into that many sexual scenarios through other pursuits). 

Thank you! I think for me it’s just that I’ve always felt like if I’m in a relationship then sex is part of it and it’s something I have to do otherwise the relationship will fail. It’s definitely become apparent recently that due to my upbringing I feel that I have to be going out of my way to ‘please’ the other person and put their needs first which is part of why I’m having counselling. It makes me codependent even though I have no fear of actually being alone or without a relationship. I do wonder whether that pleasing behaviour has been me inadvertently compensating for sexual and romantic attraction not coming naturally to me.

 

Anyway it’s so nice to know there are people who feel the same way as me. 
 

2 hours ago, Skycaptain said:

@LeopardLegs, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

Thank you! I do love cake so I’ll fit right in 😆

 

2 hours ago, Steelcurtain435 said:

@LeopardLegs i find that I can really relate to your post. Growing up I knew I was different from other guys. I never understood why my friends were so obsessed with trying to have sex. It was never really appealing to me.

 

I do find women attractive and as you said when the relationship is new or if I am in the moment my libido is increased but it is short lived. Even during those times there isn’t much of a desire past that of pleasing my partner. 
 

my friends and even my brother don’t understand how I can go without sex. They even discuss it among themselves. As a private person myself, I find that a bit messed up

There’s definitely a lot of societal expectation around it and I’ve clearly been aware of that from a young age. I just never questioned at that age why I didn’t feel the same way as my friends. I’m reading ‘Ace’ by Angela Chen at the moment and it really struck me that if the societal expectations on me were the same as what they are for boys/men then I probably would have realised earlier because there’s the burden of pursuing and initiating. So I really feel for you.

 

However for me I was socialised to believe my first time would be painful and unenjoyable (it wasn’t until I was older that I realised for a lot of my friends it wasn’t), that I should ‘let men be men’ and initiate and that I needed to be ‘good in bed’ and as such I’ve been able to essentially slip under the radar all these years. When my friends weren’t all going home with men on nights out it never occurred to me that they were likely choosing not to, or the opportunity didn’t arise, rather than not feeling sexual attraction and actively trying to avoid anyone who showed an interest like me!  

[Guest]

On 1/31/2021 at 5:43 AM, mytherapistsentmehere said:

After actively making a point to never talk about sex in therapy, it’s become unavoidable because of trauma.

 

As a 31 year old I’ve only been in one LT (2 yrs) relationship. I’m only now beginning to let myself acknowledge how traumatic it was and am wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar? I’ve never wanted to have sex and was a virgin prior to this relationship. I felt like I had a role/obligation to do “what was expected of me” in regards to sex. Every. Single. Time. For the two years I would experience repulsion and dissociation because of so desperately wanting not to be engaging in sex. 
 

Ive been out of that relationship for almost 2 years now and am realizing I’ve so desperately avoided dating (despite wanting a committed partner) because of fears of having to oblige and have sex. 
 

I’ve felt so broken in realizing this. My therapist pointed me here and encouraged me to post and see if anyone else had experienced something similar. 

My heart goes out to you, what a horrific thing to have lived through. And how amazing it is to have a therapist who knows about Aven! Kudos to them.

 

Though not nearly as traumatizing, I've had a somewhat similar experience. Little over ten years ago I had a year long relationship, even lived together for half of that. He never pressured me into a physical relationship but emotionally it was a toxic mess, which I realized only in hindsight. Where most functioning couples make compromises by meeting in the middle, this was more a me taking steps towards (and past) the middle and him thinking it was an opportunity to step even further towards his own side.

 

When I got out I was almost sucked dry energy-wise and so, so relieved. And completely untrusting of men. Took me four years to go on a date again, to let the idea in that not all men are b*stards. To heal enough to take this step.

 

Give yourself time to heal, however long it takes. And you should NEVER have to do ANYTHING you don't want. If your partner doesn't respect your boundaries they're awful horrible people. If you don't want to have sex in your relationship, that's always going to be a valid choice. You'll never be compatible with everyone anyway, this will simply be one of your non-negotiables.

[Steelcurtain435]

6 hours ago, LeopardLegs said:

Thank you! I think for me it’s just that I’ve always felt like if I’m in a relationship then sex is part of it and it’s something I have to do otherwise the relationship will fail. It’s definitely become apparent recently that due to my upbringing I feel that I have to be going out of my way to ‘please’ the other person and put their needs first which is part of why I’m having counselling. It makes me codependent even though I have no fear of actually being alone or without a relationship. I do wonder whether that pleasing behaviour has been me inadvertently compensating for sexual and romantic attraction not coming naturally to me.

 

Anyway it’s so nice to know there are people who feel the same way as me. 
 

Thank you! I do love cake so I’ll fit right in 😆

 

There’s definitely a lot of societal expectation around it and I’ve clearly been aware of that from a young age. I just never questioned at that age why I didn’t feel the same way as my friends. I’m reading ‘Ace’ by Angela Chen at the moment and it really struck me that if the societal expectations on me were the same as what they are for boys/men then I probably would have realised earlier because there’s the burden of pursuing and initiating. So I really feel for you.

 

However for me I was socialised to believe my first time would be painful and unenjoyable (it wasn’t until I was older that I realised for a lot of my friends it wasn’t), that I should ‘let men be men’ and initiate and that I needed to be ‘good in bed’ and as such I’ve been able to essentially slip under the radar all these years. When my friends weren’t all going home with men on nights out it never occurred to me that they were likely choosing not to, or the opportunity didn’t arise, rather than not feeling sexual attraction and actively trying to avoid anyone who showed an interest like me!  

I get that our lives don’t have the same societal pressure.  I simply found that my mental experience with sex and sexual situations are similar enough that your words resonated with me. Sorry if that didn’t come across I don’t have a lot of practice with my social skills. 
 

[LeopardLegs]

15 minutes ago, Steelcurtain435 said:

I get that our lives don’t have the same societal pressure.  I simply found that my mental experience with sex and sexual situations are similar enough that your words resonated with me. Sorry if that didn’t come across I don’t have a lot of practice with my social skills. 
 

Oh sorry no I didn’t mean to devalue your experience or say they weren’t similar! 😊 sorry if I made you feel that way, I was just musing!

[Steelcurtain435]

53 minutes ago, LeopardLegs said:

Oh sorry no I didn’t mean to devalue your experience or say they weren’t similar! 😊 sorry if I made you feel that way, I was just musing!

Not at all that is what I was worried I did to you

[biscuits]

On 3/20/2021 at 3:02 AM, LeopardLegs said:

I’m new around here and 33 and just realising that I might be asexual, but either sex indifferent or sex favourable. I’ve recently started counselling as during the pandemic I’ve had the realisation that I don’t really know who I am or what I want. I’d also identified that I’d had a series of unsuccessful relationships and I wanted to better understand my feelings about relationships and sex. 
 

I’ve been mulling over the topic of my sexuality for a while now. This was actually triggered by a Reddit thread where someone had asked about not finding many men on dating apps attractive and I really related to that. I’ve always seen people saying that women are overwhelmed with matches on dating sites and I used to think I must just be unattractive since that wasn’t the case for me, but I think actually it’s that I barely swipe right on anyone. The top comment on that thread was from someone who realised she was a lesbian later in life and that triggered me to consider my own sexuality because I’d literally never thought about it, I just assumed I was a heterosexual woman. I ended up reading some of the lesbian forums and I could relate to what they said about compulsory heterosexuality but not so much about the feelings for women. I did consider how I felt about women because I notice women more than men actually but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I just find them more aesthetically pleasing. 
 

During my last counselling session I really explained to my counsellor how I’ve felt about men and when I’ve had sex. I just wasn’t interested in boys/men when I was younger as my friends were. My mum always said I was too fussy. I actually had a ‘serious’ boyfriend and lost my virginity earlier than most of my friends but he expressed an interest in me first (which has been the story of all of my relationships) and pursued me and I kept waiting to have sex. He kept pushing and pushing, everyone at school was on about it and so although I didn’t really have any desire to have it, I did it because I thought I should. I’d never even masterbated before I had sex for the first time, I only started that because he kept asking me if I’d orgasmed and I said I didn’t think so and he told me there was something wrong with me. So I self experimented and found that I could, he just had no clue what he was doing. 
 

I continued to have sex but only in relationships or in situations where I already knew the person well. But I’ve realised that I never felt sexually attracted to them, or desired sex with them. It was more of a conscious decision for other reasons, often that I wanted to feel desired myself. I noticed when I went out with friends they would frequently find someone they felt sexually attracted to, but I just never felt like that. It’s like I’m just not programmed that way, I just see people as people. 
 

I explained to my therapist that it’s almost like I have seen sex as a hobby. I’ve read a lot about it, I like learning about it, I like practising new techniques and trying things out on a person and seeing their reaction. I’m more interested in what I’m doing to them than what they’re doing to me. I find it very hard to be in the moment and present during sex and it’s hard for me to ‘finish’ with a partner. I’ve often thought that I myself don’t really get anything more from it then what I’d get on my own. I had a guy who wanted a friends with benefits scenario but I couldn’t see why I would drive half an hour to go and have sex with him. It’s nice to be physically close with a person but there’s definitely something missing there for me.

 

I think I just consciously decide who I will have sex with based on our relationship, aesthetic attraction and whether I like the person. I have initiated sex in a long term relationship but it was not because I desired the person, it was because I thought that was what I should be doing to be a good partner. I often would have been happier doing something else and I never really understood people when they would seem shocked that someone could go months or years without having sex. Once there’s some kissing or sexual touching I can then feel like I want to have sex, but I still think that’s more about my body’s response than because I desire that specific person. I might experience increased libido when I have a new partner but generally it diminishes quite quickly to the point where I could take or leave sex.

 

Anyway I wanted to post to see if anyone could relate and just because it’s nice to connect with other similar people. I’m still figuring out the romantic side of things. I’m so impressed by younger people who have just seemingly figured this out so early on, it’s almost embarrassing that I just didn’t even realise that how I feel is not how everyone feels! I think it doesn’t help that I have always been quite a private person who hasn’t had in depth discussions with friends about sex, and from things my mum has said I actually think she may be the same as me.

I relate to this a lot! Thank you for sharing! I'm 27 and figuring things out too (sorry if I'm a little young for this thread, but I saw this and it really resonated)

I also wasn't interested in boys/men when younger, though haven't dated much. I think my first "crush" was in my early 20's (still slightly wonder what that term means though), and it was for a female friend. So that led to me waffling between lesbian or bisexual.

 

I never really tried dating until recently, mostly because I felt like I was missing an experience most people have had by now (and most of all my other friends are in / have been in long-term relationships). I ended that relationship in 3 months though because I thought I had a crush on another female friend. I think I should have clued in that maybe other people's worldviews are different when my a mutual friend asked what kind of (sexual) fantasies I had about her. I was super confused - I just wanted to get to know them better and maybe cuddle a bit?? It wasn't until another friend mentioned his friends were wondering if I was ace that I looked into it (and like 3 months after he mentioned it), and I was like "oh hm"

 

In retrospect, the main issue with the relationship may have been the physical part. We would spend a lot of time making out and it was okay, but I would have preferred talking. Or cooking. Or watching TV. I think he would have liked to take it further too, but I was never interested. When I broke it off, he asked if I wanted to continue as friends with benefits and in my head I was like ??no what's the point of that? I do notice women more than men, but think I probably find them more aesthetically pleasing and perhaps just easier to talk/relate to.

 

Very much agree it's nice to connect!

 

 

20 hours ago, Steelcurtain435 said:

@LeopardLegs i find that I can really relate to your post. Growing up I knew I was different from other guys. I never understood why my friends were so obsessed with trying to have sex. It was never really appealing to me.

 

I do find women attractive and as you said when the relationship is new or if I am in the moment my libido is increased but it is short lived. Even during those times there isn’t much of a desire past that of pleasing my partner. 
 

my friends and even my brother don’t understand how I can go without sex. They even discuss it among themselves. As a private person myself, I find that a bit messed up

I've never understood why people like to discuss other people's sex lives. 🤷‍♀️ That would make me feel uncomfortable too!
 

Edited March 22, 2021 by biscuits

[OdinsSage]

On 3/14/2021 at 2:27 PM, Steelcurtain435 said:

I am 32 and just recently realized their are people that think similar to me.

I always knew I was different but until I sucked it up and went to therapy I thought no one was like me. 
It feels good reading the other post and finding that I can relate to a lot of them 

I spent a huge chunk of my life thinking there was something chemically or psychologically wrong with me and that I was the only one experiencing this "disconnect" from what the world was telling me I was supposed to be feeling. I told friends, and even a parent at one point, about how I felt and was always dismissed as having "just not found that right person yet" or was told I was "just too immature still", but years would pass and nothing ever "clicked". Discovering the asexual community and having my thoughts and feelings (or lack there of) validating has literally been life changing. I'm 31 now, began truly owning my asexuality about 4 years ago, and discovered this community about a year ago. 
I agree, it feels so good finding so many people and stories that can be related to.
It's validating. 

[LeopardLegs]

3 hours ago, biscuits said:

I relate to this a lot! Thank you for sharing! I'm 27 and figuring things out too (sorry if I'm a little young for this thread, but I saw this and it really resonated)

I also wasn't interested in boys/men when younger, though haven't dated much. I think my first "crush" was in my early 20's (still slightly wonder what that term means though), and it was for a female friend. So that led to me waffling between lesbian or bisexual.

 

I never really tried dating until recently, mostly because I felt like I was missing an experience most people have had by now (and most of all my other friends are in / have been in long-term relationships). I ended that relationship in 3 months though because I thought I had a crush on another female friend. I think I should have clued in that maybe other people's worldviews are different when my a mutual friend asked what kind of (sexual) fantasies I had about her. I was super confused - I just wanted to get to know them better and maybe cuddle a bit?? It wasn't until another friend mentioned his friends were wondering if I was ace that I looked into it (and like 3 months after he mentioned it), and I was like "oh hm"

 

In retrospect, the main issue with the relationship may have been the physical part. We would spend a lot of time making out and it was okay, but I would have preferred talking. Or cooking. Or watching TV. I think he would have liked to take it further too, but I was never interested. When I broke it off, he asked if I wanted to continue as friends with benefits and in my head I was like ??no what's the point of that? I do notice women more than men, but think I probably find them more aesthetically pleasing and perhaps just easier to talk/relate to.

 

Very much agree it's nice to connect!

 

 

I've never understood why people like to discuss other people's sex lives. 🤷‍♀️ That would make me feel uncomfortable too!
 

It could be that you feel romantically attracted to women, or perhaps it’s just other forms of attention. I won’t be the best help there as I’m still figuring it out! I did find reading ‘the lesbian masterdoc’ (google it) helpful in terms of working out how I feel about women and thinking about childhood experiences. I know that for me, at least sexually, I don’t think there’s any difference in how I feel about men and women. I think this can lead a lot of people to mistakenly label themselves bisexual before they realise that they don’t feel any sexual attraction to either. I just don’t have those thoughts about people, I don’t see someone and think about them naked or think about having sex with them or feel any sexual drive towards them. I can imagine having sex with both men and women but in that imagery I don’t imagine their face, as in they’re just a body if that makes sense... I would say your friend asking you if you’d sexually fantasised about her is a relatively odd question, is she herself bi or a lesbian? I’ve never had someone ask me that or if they did they’d be flirting or trying to get me to have sex with them...

 

I have met women who I have thought I really liked, I thought they were pretty, I hoped I’d see them again, but I’m pretty sure it was still platonic feelings. As I said, I’m not the one to help you on the romantic side as I don’t know whether what I’ve had in my relationships has just been a strong platonic feeling. I think it’s difficult because in any longer term relationship sexual and romantic desire can fade over time and a lot of people seem to end up more platonic anyway!

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

On 2/27/2021 at 10:33 PM, Aimee03 said:

Me too! 

 

I just realised I haven’t been on a date in about 5 years, and I couldn’t be happier. 😄

 

Dating is the worst. Quite a nice feeling, to delete any and all dating apps from my phone. 
 

It really is!! A couple weeks ago I stopped for a moment and asked myself, “do I really even want to find someone to marry?”

and promptly answered myself with a resounding NO. I do agree about wanting to go out to meet more friends, which I had been planning to do last year, but then the pandemic struck and ruined everything 🙃

Me: What's a date? haha

Last time I thought about it was no so long ago...

 

 

😁

[biscuits]

22 hours ago, LeopardLegs said:

It could be that you feel romantically attracted to women, or perhaps it’s just other forms of attention. I won’t be the best help there as I’m still figuring it out! I did find reading ‘the lesbian masterdoc’ (google it) helpful in terms of working out how I feel about women and thinking about childhood experiences. I know that for me, at least sexually, I don’t think there’s any difference in how I feel about men and women. I think this can lead a lot of people to mistakenly label themselves bisexual before they realise that they don’t feel any sexual attraction to either. I just don’t have those thoughts about people, I don’t see someone and think about them naked or think about having sex with them or feel any sexual drive towards them. I can imagine having sex with both men and women but in that imagery I don’t imagine their face, as in they’re just a body if that makes sense... I would say your friend asking you if you’d sexually fantasised about her is a relatively odd question, is she herself bi or a lesbian? I’ve never had someone ask me that or if they did they’d be flirting or trying to get me to have sex with them...

 

I have met women who I have thought I really liked, I thought they were pretty, I hoped I’d see them again, but I’m pretty sure it was still platonic feelings. As I said, I’m not the one to help you on the romantic side as I don’t know whether what I’ve had in my relationships has just been a strong platonic feeling. I think it’s difficult because in any longer term relationship sexual and romantic desire can fade over time and a lot of people seem to end up more platonic anyway!

No worries, it's just nice to share about it! I can't say I'd be much help to you either. Thanks for the suggestion - I'll definitely take a look at that!
And it was a guy friend who also liked that person, so that probably explains why he asked. We've had a good laugh about the whole situation since.

[Guest]

Hi everyone so I have a question. (Probably one you've all gotten before so sorry in advance).

 

Have you all know where on the Ace spectrum you fall under? If so how did you figure yourself out? 

 

I discovered I was ace a few years ago and to be honest I know I'm ace I just don't know who I am as an ace yet. Do you know what I mean? 

 

I'll ask this in the question boards to but I just wanted to get some feedback from people around my age if that's okay?