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Hi all- I've lurked on this site for awhile but finally decided to post. I've really appreciated hearing from people around my age range going through a similar situation. I'm in my late 30s and have spent the past two years debating whether I'm asexual.  I've only had two relationships- neither were very fulfilling and I was extremely relieved to be done with both. For most of my 30s, I'd come to terms with the fact that I wasn't meant to be with anyone (my mom would joke that it was like I was married to myself). It wasn't really until I started reading descriptions of what sexual attraction felt like that I realized it was something I had never come close to experiencing. 

 

I'm also trying to think about how to find a chosen family without the structure of a romantic partnership/nuclear family. I'm trying to think more freely about what I want lasting and close relationships to look like. I've mostly avoided that question- I knew marriage/a partner wasn't right so I just assumed I'd be going through life alone and mostly tried not to think about it. But the more I've gotten comfortable with asexuality, the easier it's been to think about what kind of relationships I do want.

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@MarliBlue, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

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I’ve realized being in the closet is hard.  I’m in my mid thirties now, and didn’t think too much about my asexuality. I’m comfortable with my asexuality and most people don’t really ask me why I don’t date. The most I get asked is if I’m single.
Anyway, an ex coworker of mine suddenly wants to set me up with a friend of hers. I told her I was not interested in dating, but she’s adamant and asked why I’m not interested. It got me thinking about being “closeted”. I never necessarily thought about “coming out”, but I also have never been in the position where someone wants to know “why?”
 I’m not against making new friends, but dating is not something I’m interested in and have never been. 

I figured out I’m asexual a while back, but recently I figured out that I’m also lithromantic (aka akoiromantic). 
I’ve never had this happen so it kinda threw me off my comfort zone and just felt like getting it off my chest. 

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Hello 👋🏻 

 

I also posted a text in “question about asexuality” but I think I’d fit in in this thread since I’m 37. 

 

Ive just found out about this site cause I’ve started reading books about asexuality. I’ve read “The invisible orientation” by Julie sondra decker and currently reading “Ace” by a Angela Chen. I’m reading about this because I’m a person who likes to learn about things, especially about lgtb+ , it’s a part of me being a pastor and I want to learn about this because I want to work for making church more including towards lgtb+ people but it’s mostly I think because I’ve always been interested and amazed by people dating to challenge norms in society. I’ve been amazed of how amazing I think the asexual and aromantic community is. Even daring to question the norm of that “one true love” everyone seems to look for. 
 

thing is that I find myself being very moved emotionally and feeling very vulnerable, because I find myself recognizing myself in the stories and definitions I read about in these books. I’m 37 and I’ve never been in love nor felt sexual attraction towards any person. I’ve often wondered what’s wrong with me feeling left out and like a weirdo. But I’ve always thought that “love will come along when it’s time”. But the time never seems to come along. 
 

The last few years I’ve been talking a lot with my best friend about me worrying about this. Why isn’t love or sexual attraction happening to me? She’s very laid back and I’ve realized now that she’s very cool because she has always said to me “So what? You’ll be ok anyway”. But I’ve felt worried and anxious over this , I realized, not so much because I miss having a partner but more because I dread being left out, lonely or just because I’ve been feeling like there’s something wrong with me. 

 

But reading these books and discovering that there’s a community with people who seem to be like me (finally) I’ve come to understand that there might not be something wrong with me at all. There might be something very amazing about me instead? 

 

Ive been feeling very vulnerable and anxious about writing in this forum. I guess I don’t want to invade if I don’t fit in. I’m still very confused and unsure. But I was thinking that maybe I could get in touch with people to chat with, and learn from? So I’m wondering, would anyone be willing to share their experiences with me and talk to me in some way? I’m going to be have to figure things out about myself, and as I said, I’m feeling very vulnerable but at the same thing quite hopeful actually....... 

 

thanks for reading this message, from Elin (I’m a cis-woman and I’m from Sweden if you think my name is strange 😊

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I think your name is beautiful! Welcome to Aven, have some cake 🧁

 

And don't worry about invading. Wanting to learn is a very valid reason, if you even need a reason to hang out with us ;)

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3 hours ago, ElinW said:

I guess I don’t want to invade if I don’t fit in. I’m still very confused and unsure.

There are all sorts who hang out here including sexuals and people who are just confused about mainstream representation of sexuality... You definitely aren't invading regardless of what you eventually figure out about about yourself! 

 

3 hours ago, ElinW said:

But I’ve always thought that “love will come along when it’s time”. But the time never seems to come along. 

This sounds familiar to me.. I felt this way for a long time until I found AVEN. Personally once I realized it was ok if it was NEVER time, I felt a lot happier without this unspoken pressure to eventually commit to something I didn't really want. Your experience might be totally different, but to me it was a very freeing and reassuring realization.

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On 12/15/2020 at 9:22 PM, santa's weird elf said:

I think your name is beautiful! Welcome to Aven, have some cake 🧁

 

And don't worry about invading. Wanting to learn is a very valid reason, if you even need a reason to hang out with us ;)

Thanks so much 😄

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20 hours ago, SaturnHOHOHO said:

There are all sorts who hang out here including sexuals and people who are just confused about mainstream representation of sexuality... You definitely aren't invading regardless of what you eventually figure out about about yourself! 

 

This sounds familiar to me.. I felt this way for a long time until I found AVEN. Personally once I realized it was ok if it was NEVER time, I felt a lot happier without this unspoken pressure to eventually commit to something I didn't really want. Your experience might be totally different, but to me it was a very freeing and reassuring realization.

Thanks for all the kind and welcoming words! 😃 

 

Thing is..... this whole thing about love and me wondering why it never happens to me.... there’s so many mixed feelings. At the same time as I’ve been feeling pressure and worrying a lot I’ve also been feeling quite good about myself that I don’t have to deal with that “love thing” that seem to make everyone else miserable all the time 😌 

 

I’ve just recently, these past few weeks, come to think about maybe me being on the a-spectrum because I’ve been learning about it through books and reading online, but of course I’ve been thinking about these things for a long time, I guess just not have found words for it....... 

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Guest Invisible Pumpkin
On 3/9/2011 at 8:47 PM, AnotherMember said:

I´m on it!! thanks!!

I can believe I'm almost a year to jump to the 40's thread. In a few days, I'll be 39. 😁

 

2021 Happy New Year Memes to Celebrate the End of 2020 | Funny new years  memes, Funny new year, Happy new year meme

 

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On 12/17/2020 at 5:22 AM, AnotherMember said:

I can believe I'm almost a year to jump to the 40's thread. In a few days, I'll be 39. 😁

 

2021 Happy New Year Memes to Celebrate the End of 2020 | Funny new years  memes, Funny new year, Happy new year meme

 

Meanwhile, I'm illegally here at age 28. :P

 

I don't relate to most 20-somethings because they're in large part still studying, or barely getting their feet wet with work. Nothing wrong with that, it's just that those are things I did in my early 20s and I'm now already at the point where I'm fed up with corporate and trying to work my brain around personal finances, investing, and how to set myself up for a reasonable mortgage and early retirement. That's why I'm here. #30sThings?

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the great acescape

I think something that would make me feel a whole lot better about myself and life in general would be to know that there are people my age and older who "made it", for lack of a better term. Reading stories about people who found out they were ace and still built community, or had families (whatever that may look like). Lately I've been kind of wishing I could live in a big house with a group of people, preferably some who are aspec, and that could somehow be my found family. A situation where I wouldn't be an outsider or a third wheel of some kind. If it sounds vague, that's because it is! 

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fragglerocking
On 12/19/2020 at 7:00 AM, `Silver said:

Meanwhile, I'm illegally here at age 28. :P

 

I don't relate to most 20-somethings because they're in large part still studying, or barely getting their feet wet with work. Nothing wrong with that, it's just that those are things I did in my early 20s and I'm now already at the point where I'm fed up with corporate and trying to work my brain around personal finances, investing, and how to set myself up for a reasonable mortgage and early retirement. That's why I'm here. #30sThings?

I’m 28 too and that’s exactly how I feel. And I literally just figured out why I’ve been content being single my whole life lol.

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On 12/20/2020 at 5:44 PM, the great acescape said:

I think something that would make me feel a whole lot better about myself and life in general would be to know that there are people my age and older who "made it", for lack of a better term. Reading stories about people who found out they were ace and still built community, or had families (whatever that may look like). Lately I've been kind of wishing I could live in a big house with a group of people, preferably some who are aspec, and that could somehow be my found family. A situation where I wouldn't be an outsider or a third wheel of some kind. If it sounds vague, that's because it is! 

I relate to this.  I'm currently married and I'm not sure it's going to work out.  I wouldn't date or marry again but I could definitely see myself having a platonic life partner.  And as strange as it may seem coming from a "hetero" type woman (I married a man and have been romantically attracted to men previously) I would like it to potentially be another woman.  A best friend.  I've been feeling inspired by shows like Grace and Frankie and Dead to Me.  I just want a ride-or-die best friend to go through life with.

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22 hours ago, Peace_of_Ace said:

I could definitely see myself having a platonic life partner. 

Same here, after getting divorced the main thing that has bothered me is the idea of not having a partner in life... No one to share things with or bounce ideas off of. If I need help with anything, I still have to ask my ex husband, so I try to keep that to a minimum (we coparent so he's the adult I have the most contact with lately). I'd love to have a constant person in my life who knows and understands me well, who doesn't demand things from me that I can't give. I have some friends, but they are all married and have their own #1 person already... So it's hard to find that companionship without a romantic relationship. 

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Guest Invisible Pumpkin
On 12/19/2020 at 9:00 AM, `Silver said:

Meanwhile, I'm illegally here at age 28. :P

 

I don't relate to most 20-somethings because they're in large part still studying, or barely getting their feet wet with work. Nothing wrong with that, it's just that those are things I did in my early 20s and I'm now already at the point where I'm fed up with corporate and trying to work my brain around personal finances, investing, and how to set myself up for a reasonable mortgage and early retirement. That's why I'm here. In a blink you'll be here legally 

In a blink you'll be here legally. 

I think I was 29 when I joined the thread 😂😅

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I just recently turned 34. I’m more comfortable than I was but still I think being a male asexual seems to be rarer than females? It’s tough as society looks at males to be like sexual animals... I know some of my family most likely think I’m weird that I haven’t settled down. I’m not open about my asexuality. I will not date a sexual female again as it just doesn’t work when I can’t give them what they want frequently & it’s just embarrassing and emotionally painful. I really would like a life partner though, I’m heteroromantic so I still crave a female to cuddle up with, kiss, be in love with and share life experiences together. I’m a pessimist though & I fear I will most likely be forever alone.

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16 minutes ago, Hyzer373 said:

I just recently turned 34. I’m more comfortable than I was but still I think being a male asexual seems to be rarer than females? It’s tough as society looks at males to be like sexual animals... I know some of my family most likely think I’m weird that I haven’t settled down. I’m not open about my asexuality. I will not date a sexual female again as it just doesn’t work when I can’t give them what they want frequently & it’s just embarrassing and emotionally painful. I really would like a life partner though, I’m heteroromantic so I still crave a female to cuddle up with, kiss, be in love with and share life experiences together. I’m a pessimist though & I fear I will most likely be forever alone.

I'm not sure if you are being a pessimist or merely pragmatic and realistic.  You're right, male aces are outnumbered by female aces.  This could expand your prospective pool of partners, if you could find them.  At some point in my 30's, after a couple of relationships, I also realized I might never find a life partner, and that was  long before I ever heard of asexuality.  I thought maybe I was gay but I refused to consider a relationship with another male.  I am lucky to also be aromantic, so I can get the close contact and cuddling that I need from my German Shepherd puppy.

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Hello, I'm brand new to AVEN (this is my first post). 2020 has been an interesting year of discovery for me. All my life up to this point, I tended to avoid thinking much about my sexuality. I had never heard of asexuality or anything like it growing up (I am 35). I kind of assumed I was bisexual as I wasn't attracted to any gender more than another. I didn't understand that I wasn't attracted to anyone sexually because I didn't know what sexual attraction felt like. So, eventually I partnered up, we had kids, and wildly mismatched sex drives. 

 

People often say that asexuals shouldn't date sexuals because it denies the "normal" partner their "needs". They are also the same type of people who disparage representation and pride efforts on the part of asexuality. How are we supposed to make informed decisions about our relationships when we don't have all the information? I just assumed that I was broken and did my best to move along on the expected trajectory. 

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3 hours ago, Treespeak said:

I didn't understand that I wasn't attracted to anyone sexually because I didn't know what sexual attraction felt like. So, eventually I partnered up, we had kids, and wildly mismatched sex drives. 

Same. For me this ended in divorce. At least now I have a better understanding of what went wrong so I won't make the same mistake again.

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11 hours ago, Treespeak said:

Hello, I'm brand new to AVEN (this is my first post). 2020 has been an interesting year of discovery for me. All my life up to this point, I tended to avoid thinking much about my sexuality. I had never heard of asexuality or anything like it growing up (I am 35). I kind of assumed I was bisexual as I wasn't attracted to any gender more than another. I didn't understand that I wasn't attracted to anyone sexually because I didn't know what sexual attraction felt like. So, eventually I partnered up, we had kids, and wildly mismatched sex drives. 

 

People often say that asexuals shouldn't date sexuals because it denies the "normal" partner their "needs". They are also the same type of people who disparage representation and pride efforts on the part of asexuality. How are we supposed to make informed decisions about our relationships when we don't have all the information? I just assumed that I was broken and did my best to move along on the expected trajectory. 

Thanks for sharing! I’ve just recently learnt about asexuality too. I’m 37. I’m single and have been all my life so I haven’t dealt with being in a relationship. But I do know what it’s like to be of this age and make realizations about my sexuality and identity that are new and I didn’t know about before. 
 

Feel free to message me if you need someone to discuss and talk to :) 

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On 12/28/2020 at 9:20 AM, kkbyte said:

Same. For me this ended in divorce. At least now I have a better understanding of what went wrong so I won't make the same mistake again.

Thank you for sharing. Self-awareness is pretty powerful stuff. 

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On 12/28/2020 at 5:47 AM, Treespeak said:

I kind of assumed I was bisexual as I wasn't attracted to any gender more than another.

I wondered about this for years before I finally heard about asexuality. Except I never embraced the bisexual label because for me that just added a whole new level of stress to the issue. I wanted to narrow down the list of potential partners I needed to navigate the minefield of sexuality with, not add to it. So my brain did mental gymnastics and was like, "guess this is what being straight feels like??" 🧐🧐🧐 Which made absolutely no sense at all since I'm actually more attracted to women than men, I just didn't want to have sex with them so I figured I defaulted to straight. Very convoluted in hindsight! Interestingly I also did a mini version of that when I first joined aven with my romantic orientation since this was the first place I'd ever heard of having "romantic orientations" at all. 

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Fun fact: Asexuality used to be considered a sub-type of bi because of equal (lack of) attraction towards both* genders.

 

*many many moons ago, this was

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On 12/27/2020 at 9:21 AM, Hyzer373 said:

I just recently turned 34. I’m more comfortable than I was but still I think being a male asexual seems to be rarer than females? It’s tough as society looks at males to be like sexual animals... I know some of my family most likely think I’m weird that I haven’t settled down. I’m not open about my asexuality. I will not date a sexual female again as it just doesn’t work when I can’t give them what they want frequently & it’s just embarrassing and emotionally painful. I really would like a life partner though, I’m heteroromantic so I still crave a female to cuddle up with, kiss, be in love with and share life experiences together. I’m a pessimist though & I fear I will most likely be forever alone.

I just recently turned 31, 3 days ago actually. I'll admit, I've always thought finding asexuals whether they be female or male is rare, as locally I cannot seem to find anyone who is Ace at all, and most websites I've been on, the majority are in Europe or elsewhere in the world. Society seems to struggle accepting anything or anyone who is "different" and nor part of what they see are mainstream "normal and expected". I have some family who think I'm weird as well, cannot understand why I haven't had kids, or why I do not want sexual intimacy, and many keep restating, "that'll change when you meet the right person", and they just role their eyes and walk away when I disagree with that. Society and family, for many years now cannot comprehend that I am a female who isn't maternal, and who doesn't want kids - it's as if us women are expected to have kids and if we don't it's like the end of the world. I haven't opened up about my asexuality to many, but I also have kept it quiet it is painful emotionally, and embarassing to not be able to give your partner what they want and need, and same when they can't meet your needs either. And similar to you, I'm afraid I'm suck married, but separated, as I feel like finding a partner to do the things you described with, is a one in a billion shot it seems like. 

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7 hours ago, Rev.Misfit said:

I just recently turned 31, 3 days ago actually. I'll admit, I've always thought finding asexuals whether they be female or male is rare, as locally I cannot seem to find anyone who is Ace at all, and most websites I've been on, the majority are in Europe or elsewhere in the world. Society seems to struggle accepting anything or anyone who is "different" and nor part of what they see are mainstream "normal and expected". I have some family who think I'm weird as well, cannot understand why I haven't had kids, or why I do not want sexual intimacy, and many keep restating, "that'll change when you meet the right person", and they just role their eyes and walk away when I disagree with that. Society and family, for many years now cannot comprehend that I am a female who isn't maternal, and who doesn't want kids - it's as if us women are expected to have kids and if we don't it's like the end of the world. I haven't opened up about my asexuality to many, but I also have kept it quiet it is painful emotionally, and embarassing to not be able to give your partner what they want and need, and same when they can't meet your needs either. And similar to you, I'm afraid I'm suck married, but separated, as I feel like finding a partner to do the things you described with, is a one in a billion shot it seems like. 

That is one thing that bothers me to no end. That expectation that as a female, I *want* kids. I’ve never liked kids. As a kid I’d rather be the dog than play “mom” and now as an adult try to avoid any fiction where there is a child. I just don’t care to read about children shenanigans. Sometimes I’d like to have something like a “wingman” in my life, but I am totally not interested in romance. 
I’m already 34 and I feel like the older I’m getting, the more I am coming to terms with my being. I am very comfortable with my identity as an asexual and lithromantic. I was confused about that part of my life because I’ve had crushes before, yet never had any interest in pursuing those feelings. I thought I might be aromantic, but that never made too much sense for me since again, I’ve had crushes. Anyway, I think my parents don’t really understand me, but know I will probably never date and definitely never have kids. People a little farther removed from me might wonder. I seriously think a lot of people think I’m gay since I’ve never dated. 

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