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For 30-somethings and those around that age

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AJ 0688

Happy new year Ace peeps 😊 hope you all have much luck, love (in whatever form you want it in) and prosperity in the coming year. 

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NinoInno
On 12/12/2019 at 4:36 AM, Snao Cone said:

it took me until I was 30ish to even consider it. Talking with a variety of people, especially on AVEN, helped me decide that I'm simply asexual and don't need to give a breakdown or qualifying statement about that.

I am in a similar beginning situation, and I think it would help me to read about how you came to that conclusion — if you don’t mind sharing of course.

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Snao Cone
1 minute ago, NinoInno said:

I am in a similar beginning situation, and I think it would help me to read about how you came to that conclusion — if you don’t mind sharing of course.

Of course I don't mind! Otherwise I wouldn't have stuck around AVEN for nearly 5 years now. :P 

 

I thought I was sexual for a long time, and then I thought I was in the grey area when I was first contemplating asexuality, because I feel aesthetic attraction, or at least aesthetic appreciation for people. The things that I find aesthetically pleasing are often associated with sex appeal, so I just assumed that was sexual attraction. I went years assuming that my standards were too high and I wasn't attracted to anyone in my league, and that's why I wasn't having a lot of sex. But then I met some people who were mutually attracted to me, and I got into sexual situations with them...and felt nothing. I couldn't get into the moment, even when playing narratives in my head (as I have an active imagination and do a lot of internal storytelling as such). It took a few different situations like that over the course of five or six years before I actually started to recognize what I was feeling as being about asexuality, so I also had to come to terms with how I could be such a self-unaware idiot and not realize I'm asexual. So I thought I must be in the grey area, because I feel some kind of attraction to people and I'm not repulsed by sex and I like the idea of sexuality in terms of storytelling. Through talking to people on AVEN, I realized that sexuality/sexual attraction is about a desire to connect with people in a sexual way, so finding them good looking doesn't mean anything on its own. I also learned that a lot of people didn't really figure this out about themselves until a later age for similar reasons to me, so I don't need an excuse for why I didn't know I was asexual in my 20s - and if I used that as a reason to call myself grey instead of asexual, then I would be making it harder for people in similar situations to find acceptance. The reasons I call myself asexual are to communicate to people that I am intrinsically not oriented towards sexual relationships and that is my normal and healthy state. All of the other things about me that may not jive with an asexual stereotype (like the fact that I'm fine with sexual content in media, can have comfortable conversations about sex and the body, have a lot of curiosity about sexuality in a general sense, etc) don't require a qualifier.

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AJ 0688
2 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

Of course I don't mind! Otherwise I wouldn't have stuck around AVEN for nearly 5 years now. :P 

 

I thought I was sexual for a long time, and then I thought I was in the grey area when I was first contemplating asexuality, because I feel aesthetic attraction, or at least aesthetic appreciation for people. The things that I find aesthetically pleasing are often associated with sex appeal, so I just assumed that was sexual attraction. I went years assuming that my standards were too high and I wasn't attracted to anyone in my league, and that's why I wasn't having a lot of sex. But then I met some people who were mutually attracted to me, and I got into sexual situations with them...and felt nothing. I couldn't get into the moment, even when playing narratives in my head (as I have an active imagination and do a lot of internal storytelling as such). It took a few different situations like that over the course of five or six years before I actually started to recognize what I was feeling as being about asexuality, so I also had to come to terms with how I could be such a self-unaware idiot and not realize I'm asexual. So I thought I must be in the grey area, because I feel some kind of attraction to people and I'm not repulsed by sex and I like the idea of sexuality in terms of storytelling. Through talking to people on AVEN, I realized that sexuality/sexual attraction is about a desire to connect with people in a sexual way, so finding them good looking doesn't mean anything on its own. I also learned that a lot of people didn't really figure this out about themselves until a later age for similar reasons to me, so I don't need an excuse for why I didn't know I was asexual in my 20s - and if I used that as a reason to call myself grey instead of asexual, then I would be making it harder for people in similar situations to find acceptance. The reasons I call myself asexual are to communicate to people that I am intrinsically not oriented towards sexual relationships and that is my normal and healthy state. All of the other things about me that may not jive with an asexual stereotype (like the fact that I'm fine with sexual content in media, can have comfortable conversations about sex and the body, have a lot of curiosity about sexuality in a general sense, etc) don't require a qualifier.

What felt good to me about coming to terms with Asexual for me is that there was no confusion. Over the years from my early teens to my adult years I always thought maybe something was wrong with me sexually. So many people in my year would be boasting and talking about sex.

 

I wasn't like that, I was more interested in the latest movie franchise, music and hanging out playing my guitar. Boys were OK if they were friends but otherwise I steered away from them. And now most of those people are grown up married, have kids or are starting families or careers and that ever so familiar pressure comes in and there's this big sense of "I have to get my life together now!" but I don't want that. I don't want the marriage, the kids, the career. I just want to live for what makes me happy and for years and even still now I get a sense that that is not always OK. 

 

But to finally have something I am certain about. Something I can just say "yeah this is right. This is me" is quite uplifting. Also to know I'm not alone in it is amazingly reassuring and I don't have to over analyse it by going to get my mormones checked or checking to see if I have something that affects my sex drive coz I was premature at birth blah blah blah. 

 

 

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AJ 0688

This is going to sound abit stupid but I think of my Ace sexuality as like a Harry Potter patronus in the form of a cat. I like affection, being fed and cuddled and having fun playing but touch me when I don't want you too and I'll scratch your face 😅😂 does that sound really bad ( not actually scratch but I won't like it and you'll know) 

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LVG

@Snao Cone A lot of what you mentioned make so much sense, especially the part about sexual attraction being a desire to connect with people on a sexual level. Even though I've been a part of this community for 3 years I could never quite describe what it was like to be asexual. That pretty much sums it up for me. I'm attracted to people, but merely on an aesthetic/romantic level. I want no hanky panky. The one major difference is that I'm definitely sex repulsed. There's just no way around it. 

 

Oh, and I've officially ascended into the mid-thirties (I turned 35 on the 29th). The result? I feel no different than I did last year. 

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NinoInno
7 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

The things that I find aesthetically pleasing are often associated with sex appeal, so I just assumed that was sexual attraction.
[...]

Through talking to people on AVEN, I realized that sexuality/sexual attraction is about a desire to connect with people in a sexual way, so finding them good looking doesn't mean anything on its own.

[...]

The reasons I call myself asexual are to communicate to people that I am intrinsically not oriented towards sexual relationships and that is my normal and healthy state.

@Snao Cone That really helps, thank you. For similar reasons I was wondering if I had anything to do with asexuality at all. I actually can feel sexual “attraction” to people in the sense that they can sometimes turn me on and they will pop up in my fantasies in very sexual ways; but I would never pursue that to something in real life, the thought turns me down too much. I have never been able to have a normal sex life with any of my previous partners, because I couldn’t enjoy it at all, even if I was sex positive.

 

With my current partner I have, after almost 10 years, been able to get to what can look externally as a normal sex life; but this took much time, and still feels awkward at times. I kind of have to disconnect from the situation in order to get to the end, otherwise it will fail. I generally only find really enjoyable to just please her, and that for psychological reasons.

 

So I am wondering whether this fits demisexuality or asexuality. But, your last sentence was really powerful and made me think about why I am looking for a label at all and why I shouldn’t sweat it too much about the finer details, which I can explain in detail if I feel like that.

 

Could I live without it? If she could, probably. There are so many things that feel better/less awkward that I can think about, that it just doesn’t feel right for me to call myself sexual just because I have found an equilibrium with my current partner.

 

But, there is also the ‘hot stranger’ thing, that doesn’t really resonate with most people here’s experience... there is enough “sex” in my life to make me feel like I’m doing a disservice to the community by just identifying as asexual.

 

I guess it will take more time for me to understand this.

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AceMissBehaving
On 12/27/2019 at 10:22 PM, Zagadka said:

I'm now 9 months away from 40, and I just want it to be over with. 30s are confusing, I'm ready to be old and crotchety.

I turn 40 in 5 months, but I’ve been old and crotchety for years. Don’t let numbers hold you back, you can unleash the grump within at any age!

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AceMissBehaving
1 hour ago, NinoInno said:

@Snao Cone That really helps, thank you. For similar reasons I was wondering if I had anything to do with asexuality at all. I actually can feel sexual “attraction” to people in the sense that they can sometimes turn me on and they will pop up in my fantasies in very sexual ways; but I would never pursue that to something in real life, the thought turns me down too much.
 

It’s hard to sift through various feelings of attraction to figure out what exactly sexual attraction is supposed to feel like compared to other things like aesthetic attraction for eg. In the end the simplest way to go about it is ask yourself. “Do I desire having sex with another person for my own sexual gratification.” Which it sounds here is probably a “no”

 

1 hour ago, NinoInno said:

 

I have never been able to have a normal sex life with any of my previous partners, because I couldn’t enjoy it at all, even if I was sex positive.

 

With my current partner I have, after almost 10 years, been able to get to what can look externally as a normal sex life; but this took much time, and still feels awkward at times. I kind of have to disconnect from the situation in order to get to the end, otherwise it will fail. I generally only find really enjoyable to just please her, and that for psychological reasons.

I feel we may have somewhat similar experiences in this sense. I used to think  because I could that I must just be doing it wrong or something if it wasn’t doing anything for me. In the end I can do it to a point to make a partner happy, but i don’t get that much out of it and feel happier if I’m able to just not.

 

1 hour ago, NinoInno said:

So I am wondering whether this fits demisexuality or asexuality. But, your last sentence was really powerful and made me think about why I am looking for a label at all and why I shouldn’t sweat it too much about the finer details, which I can explain in detail if I feel like that.

 

Could I live without it? If she could, probably. There are so many things that feel better/less awkward that I can think about, that it just doesn’t feel right for me to call myself sexual just because I have found an equilibrium with my current partner.

 

But, there is also the ‘hot stranger’ thing, that doesn’t really resonate with most people here’s experience... there is enough “sex” in my life to make me feel like I’m doing a disservice to the community by just identifying as asexual.

 

I guess it will take more time for me to understand this.

I wouldn’t worry too much about what your life is like now and how it stacks up next to someone else’s. Lots of asexuals are able to find a compromise with their sexual partners. The only thing that matters is how you feel about it for yourself.

 

Ace is a label some use as a kind of catch all. Though like you echoed here, as long as you can find a peace with yourself that satisfies the fact there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you are wired and experience your relationships, then the label isn’t really that important, the peace is 

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Nick2
On 12/27/2019 at 10:22 PM, Zagadka said:

I'm now 9 months away from 40, and I just want it to be over with. 30s are confusing, I'm ready to be old and crotchety.

Are you yelling for people to get off your grass yet?

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bluedragonwings
On 1/4/2020 at 8:57 AM, Nick2 said:

Are you yelling for people to get off your grass yet?

Wait, were we not supposed to start at 30?

 

So I have my official diagnosis from my psych eval. Neither was a major surprise (Major Depressive Disorder, new that for years), and ASD (that would have been a surprise a year ago but talking with my therapist was a good contender). Now I just have to figure out what I can/will do with that info to try and make my life better, or at least less meh.

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AJ 0688

Hi guys recently having a spell of confused. 

 

Had a discussion with my mum where I again discussed that I was asexual with her. She asked me about my Asexuality and I told her what it meant for me saying that although I like the odd kissing or cuddling I have a low sex drive and it makes me uncomfortable.

 

Mum disagreed and said  Asexual don't want sex. You don't want to kiss and cuddle. It doesn't mean what you think it means. You just have a low sex drive. 

 

I can't help but disagree but I get she's worried about me putting labels on myself. I know you can like romance but not want sex as an Asexual. Have I got it wrong? 

 

Because I am so sure I have this right but if I'm wrong I dunno what I'll do. I've always been different and there's no meaning behind it 

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Eutierria
8 minutes ago, AJ 0688 said:

kissing or cuddling

These can be categorised under sensual and/or romantic (e.g. A gray-aromantic person could be demi-sensual amongst other combinations). 

 

10 minutes ago, AJ 0688 said:

Mum disagreed and said  Asexual don't want sex.

As far as I'm aware, this can be categorised into sex positive, sex neutral & sex repulsed. Some aces may compromise in a relationship with an allo or demisexual. 

 

There are other threads on these topics which are searchable. 

 

Asexuality is a spectrum, if you feel you fit, then you fit. No one else can decide for you. Aceflux may be another term you can search & see if it resonates. 

 

Some people find labels comforting. 

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SaturnOOO
3 hours ago, AJ 0688 said:

Because I am so sure I have this right

Then you probably do. If thinking of yourself as asexual makes things fall into place for you, then there's no reason you shouldn't continue to do so. Imo, the whole point of labels is to help us make meaning out of our experience. You certainly wouldn't be the first or only asexual who doesn't mind the occasional kiss or cuddle.

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LVG

I love cuddling, and I don't mind kissing. I like all the romantic aspects of a relationship. I just don't have any desire for things to go further.   

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AJ 0688
On 1/11/2020 at 3:43 PM, Eutierria said:

Some people find labels comforting. 

It's not so much the labelling I'm confused about because I know I am definitely on the Asexual spectrum I just don't know where. That's why at the moment I refer to myself as Asexual. I'm coming to realise there is no arguing that fact. I don't want sex and any urges I have are few and far between and mostly mild (usually around my ovulation time before periods, sorry TMI) and I usually take care of that through masturbastion. I like people in an aesthetic way and I am an introvert. Always have been and I'm happy with that! 

 

I don't want kids, don't see the point in marriage but do find weddings quite pretty and I view my pets as my children. I'm 31, if I wanted to have had sex, found a husband and have a baby I'm pretty sure by this age I would be working toward it or have done it by now. 

 

I haven't so it must not be what I want for my life. Now if I could figure out what I do want it'd be amazing! Have you ever felt like you're sat in the middle of a dark nowhere wondering where to go or what to do? Yet at the same time you have this horrible buzzing sound made up of everyone's criticisms and bad thought of you. That's me in my head all the time right now. 

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bluedragonwings
5 hours ago, AJ 0688 said:

Have you ever felt like you're sat in the middle of a dark nowhere wondering where to go or what to do? Yet at the same time you have this horrible buzzing sound made up of everyone's criticisms and bad thought of you. That's me in my head all the time right now. 

Oh yes. Though at the moment the criticisms are echos. 

 

People at my work are pushing me to steer a certain direction in my career. They don’t understand that, while I am relatively good at it and apparently functioning, I’m breaking down and the direction they say will make it worse. It is not just my comfort level. 

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Snao Cone
7 minutes ago, bluedragonwings said:

People at my work are pushing me to steer a certain direction in my career. They don’t understand that, while I am relatively good at it and apparently functioning, I’m breaking down and the direction they say will make it worse. It is not just my comfort level. 

lol @ how goddamn relatable this is

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IceQueenn
On 10/21/2019 at 3:12 AM, gray-a girl said:

OMG.... why are 30 somethings in the "older asexuals" group? I don't identify as "older"...😐

Same.

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IceQueenn

I'm new on this site and I could use someone who's in their 30's as well for a friendly asexual chat.

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Skycaptain

@IceQueenn, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

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bluedragonwings

Welcome!

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Caterjunes

WELP, I’m 30. Seemed to have survived the transition alright, but I’m deeply skeptical nonetheless. Also, hullo. 

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bluedragonwings

Hai!!

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SaturnOOO
8 hours ago, Caterjunes said:

WELP, I’m 30. Seemed to have survived the transition alright, but I’m deeply skeptical nonetheless. Also, hullo. 

The transition was the hardest in my experience! Once you settle in your thirties can be really quite comfy. 😏

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weird elf

honestly, for me turning 30 was one of the best experiences ever. I found the idea of being officially considered old / uncool highly liberating 🤣 Now I'm curious what 40 will be like in a few years ...

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njosnavelin
14 minutes ago, weird elf said:

honestly, for me turning 30 was one of the best experiences ever. I found the idea of being officially considered old / uncool highly liberating 🤣 Now I'm curious what 40 will be like in a few years ...

Give me three months; I will help fill you in. 

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weird elf

I'll take you up on that ;)

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bluedragonwings

Yeah, that day is coming soon for me too....

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Kharina

Hi, I'm 29 so nearly at this age though can't quite believe it!! Where did the time go?

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