For 30-somethings and those around that age

[Spotastic]

@Entmoot It was last year when I turned 35 that was the turning point for me. I was letting my physical disability and past trauma stop me from doing anything with my life. Since then, I've gone back to school and recently got accepted into the school's Honors society because I've gotten straight A's over the last 6 months. My ultimate goal is to get a degree that I can use to work from home. 

 

Also, I didn't start trying to drive until I was 25 and needed a license for a managerial position at a store. Unfortunately, the pain meds I'm on mean I can't drive now anyway, but if it wasn't for that job possibility, I probably still would've never gotten a license (in fact, I only ever got a permit). 

 

I've been married for the past 11 years, so I don't have too much to add on the relationship point, but I will say that we found each other online when we weren't looking for relationships and it just happened naturally. I didn't know I was asexual then, and she's not, but we've come to a compromise that works for us both now.

Edited February 2, 2019 by Spotastic

[Skycaptain]

Thirty is just a starting point. Only after then did I start doing the responsible things like getting a house etc. 

[Tyke]

@Entmoot

 

In the final analysis (sorry for that cliche) you need to live a life that pleases YOU. In my 20's I sort of assumed that I'd be married at 30 and kids would follow. But I didn't do anything that would bring that about (and neither ever happened). How on earth I missed that I was significantly different (on a sexual desire level) from the rest of society, I have no idea. But I was very old when I started identifying as asexual (technically I'm too old for this thread, but people seem to tolerate me here, and I'm grateful).

 

Casting my mind back to my 30th birthday, I'd say I was a little sad, a little lonely and a little confused. Of course Aven didn't exist back then (it couldn't - no internet, haha). Aven is a great place and been a great help to me since I found it. I'm sure it can be for you too.

 

You request suggestions for a 'grand gesture' to mark the end of the decade. I'm not sure that I'd bother, to be honest, but (I don't know how 'out' you are as Ace) one possibility would be to select a small number of people you judge will be supportive, and come out to them. So you start your new decade as a self-accepting and not totally private ace. Of course I don't know how difficult that would be for you or the environment in which you live.

 

Whatever you choose to do (or not), stick around here. As I said, it's a great community.

 

 

[Entmoot]

24 minutes ago, Midland Tyke said:

You request suggestions for a 'grand gesture' to mark the end of the decade. I'm not sure that I'd bother, to be honest, but (I don't know how 'out' you are as Ace) one possibility would be to select a small number of people you judge will be supportive, and come out to them. So you start your new decade as a self-accepting and not totally private ace. Of course I don't know how difficult that would be for you or the environment in which you live.

That's a great suggestion. I'm fortunate to live in a generally supportive, liberal environment. I've actually already started that process with a few friends and one family member, though I haven't broached the subject with my parents. I think they'd be open to the concept and maybe not surprised, but it will probably be an uncomfortable conversation, which is why I've been putting it off. I think I need a "deadline" of some sort to stop procrastinating the inevitable. 

 

27 minutes ago, Midland Tyke said:

Whatever you choose to do (or not), stick around here. As I said, it's a great community.

I will! Thanks for sharing your story and your encouragement. 

[bluedragonwings]

Im hoping when I turn 40 things will turn around and feel right.

[LVG]

I never adhered to societal milestones, which is predominantly "get married, have kids." I knew from my teens that I had no desire to have kids, and although I wouldn't mind getting married, it isn't a must. My next big goal in life is to buy a house. I currently live with my parents, and although my living situation is just fine, I'd like a place of my own. 

[AndrewT]

3 minutes ago, LVG said:

I never adhered to societal milestones, which is predominantly "get married, have kids." I knew from my teens that I had no desire to have kids, and although I wouldn't mind getting married, it isn't a must. My next big goal in life is to buy a house. I currently live with my parents, and although my living situation is just fine, I'd like a place of my own. 

I think i missed all of societies milestones, granted i did not try hard to do many of them

Although I moved out of the parents house when i was 18 (got a tiny 1 bed flat) Then sold that and got a house. which I'm in the process of selling (which i will make 0 money on) 
I think i will be happier renting and wont be tied down

[General]

2 minutes ago, LVG said:

I never adhered to societal milestones, which is predominantly "get married, have kids." I knew from my teens that I had no desire to have kids, and although I wouldn't mind getting married, it isn't a must. My next big goal in life is to buy a house. I currently live with my parents, and although my living situation is just fine, I'd like a place of my own. 

Yeah, I just did my own thing.  I knew I didn't want to have kids or marry a man.  I'm working on graduating and getting my career together, then getting a place of my own.  Whatever else comes later will come later. 👍

[œddy]

1 hour ago, LVG said:

I never adhered to societal milestones, which is predominantly "get married, have kids." I knew from my teens that I had no desire to have kids, and although I wouldn't mind getting married, it isn't a must. My next big goal in life is to buy a house. I currently live with my parents, and although my living situation is just fine, I'd like a place of my own. 

I'm so glad I have a brother who's going to have his third kid in a few months' time, has definitely helped take off the parental pressure

[Spotastic]

22 hours ago, œddy said:

I'm so glad I have a brother who's going to have his third kid in a few months' time, has definitely helped take off the parental pressure

My sister has 6 kids (2 step kids and 1 adopted from her ex-husband), so I never had any pressure with that, either. Plus, my wife couldn't have kids anyway, so that was that.

[LVG]

I'm lucky, though. My parents don't really care if they have grandchildren or not. I'm sure they'd be delighted if they did, but it's not something they need or will push me or my brother to have. 

[Spotastic]

@LVG I come from a family where I have 52 aunts and uncles (less than half still alive, 15 from mom's side, 37 from dad's side). There has been plenty of push for kids, but when I was in the military, it let up some, and then it pretty much stopped being brought up when my sister had her 3rd kid.

[batsy8]

I am new to the forums and 36, but my parents are still after me to have kids. I have had a plan to join foster to adopt and the goal is to be able to do so before I'm 40. It's so far been hard because I'm just one income. The plan is to have school done (returned to change careers) and have a 2 bedroom in the next few years. But yeah...I was pressured to have kids very strongly to the point where my parents would help exes stalk me to get me back with them (I know right). My sister having kids has alleviated their focus on me a bit, and my other sister is next on the list with a partner. But I know my.mother has stigma against adopted.and foster kids so I must be fully prepared to support myself and the kids I get without support from her.

[AndrewT]

57 minutes ago, batsy8 said:

I am new to the forums and 36, but my parents are still after me to have kids. I have had a plan to join foster to adopt and the goal is to be able to do so before I'm 40. It's so far been hard because I'm just one income. The plan is to have school done (returned to change careers) and have a 2 bedroom in the next few years. But yeah...I was pressured to have kids very strongly to the point where my parents would help exes stalk me to get me back with them (I know right). My sister having kids has alleviated their focus on me a bit, and my other sister is next on the list with a partner. But I know my.mother has stigma against adopted.and foster kids so I must be fully prepared to support myself and the kids I get without support from her.

Welcome to the over 30s

 

Half the time i dont know how i look after myself and my cat, no idea how I'd look after kids lol

 

 

 

[batsy8]

13 minutes ago, AndrewT said:

Welcome to the over 30s

 

Half the time i dont know how i look after myself and my cat, no idea how I'd look after kids lol

 

 

 

I just figure do the opposite of my parents and make sure their needs are met, add cartoons and hugs, and hope for the best!

[rachelpenguin]

I spent my 30th birthday crying because I hadn’t reached milestones I’d arbitrarily set myself for that age when I was a teenager. 

[AndrewT]

1 hour ago, Rach1234 said:

I spent my 30th birthday crying because I hadn’t reached milestones I’d arbitrarily set myself for that age when I was a teenager. 

I can relate to that.

 

I can't say it was my 30th Birthday but I've deffenitly been there

[Tyke]

5 hours ago, Rach1234 said:

I spent my 30th birthday crying because I hadn’t reached milestones I’d arbitrarily set myself for that age when I was a teenager. 

*sends a belated hug*

That was pre-Aven, I presume?

[rachelpenguin]

2 hours ago, Midland Tyke said:

*sends a belated hug*

That was pre-Aven, I presume?

Thank you, and yes

[DebtheDemi]

8 hours ago, Rach1234 said:

I spent my 30th birthday crying because I hadn’t reached milestones I’d arbitrarily set myself for that age when I was a teenager. 

I freaked out about it at 28, so 30 wasn't a total nightmare.

[Snao Cone]

1 hour ago, DebtheDemi said:

I freaked out about it at 28, so 30 wasn't a total nightmare.

My late 20s was all a disappointment of career failure, so yeah, that was worse than turning 30. I had to rethink my goals and how to evaluate my accomplishments in more realistic ways. 

[Spotastic]

@batsy8 While he never officially adopted her, my dad raised my sister as his own. My wife was adopted by her dad. My aunt fostered 4 kids with various mental and physical disorders and later adopted all of them. Foster kids and adopted kids deserve as much love as anyone else. I hope that works out for you.

[SoWhatYesWhat]

I have a young cousin, who is being raised by her grandparents, that says I'm like her mom. I was completely frightened by that. I don't want to be responsible for screwing up a child.

_________

On a different topic, how do you get over the pain and anger being wronged? I have two former friends that made choices that ruined our friendship. I've been carrying the anger and sadness for over three months. It's never ending.

[Spotastic]

@SoWhatYesWhat Everyone processes grief differently, and that's what you're feeling. Sometimes things get easier over time, but not always. Most people need time to process and move through what happened, though, and that process can take a long time. Sorry you have to go through that.

[LauraGarnham]

On 1/31/2019 at 4:26 PM, DemiDummy said:

I’m so excited to turn 30 on Monday! I’m one year closer to the age I feel (50-something). I’m traveling back to my home state to be with my twin, and we’re planning on getting matching tattoos. 😁

Happy belated 30th birthday

When you get to 50 do you think you will feel 50 or will you feel 70?

Hope the tattooing went well.

[Entmoot]

15 hours ago, SoWhatYesWhat said:

On a different topic, how do you get over the pain and anger being wronged? I have two former friends that made choices that ruined our friendship. I've been carrying the anger and sadness for over three months. It's never ending.

For me, the only thing that really helps is talking about it to someone who is supportive. If you don't have someone like that available IRL, maybe you could share more about what happened here? 

 

16 hours ago, SoWhatYesWhat said:

I have a young cousin, who is being raised by her grandparents, that says I'm like her mom. I was completely frightened by that. I don't want to be responsible for screwing up a child.

That is a lot of pressure your cousin unknowingly put on you, but I don't think you have to read that far into it, as you're not actually her guardian. If anything, it sounds like you're a positive part of her life already--maybe even buffering against potential screwing up by others? I know, I'm assuming a lot here...Maybe I'm projecting because I don't want kids but I like to think I can have a positive impact on other people's kids somehow. 

[tahneenee]

I did quite a bit in my 20's and was really looking forward to the 30's thinking it would be a fresh start. Unfortunately I was deeply in denial that I could handle all of the things that happened in my 29th year. Father died, dog died, sister got sepsis after a miscarriage and almost died, my husband's and my son's mental health issues, the 2016 elections. So about 2 month's into my 30th year I ended up having a complete mental breakdown that took two years to "recover" from, though I'll never be the person I was back then.

 

I have learned a lot about myself during that time though.

 

Now I'm just looking forward to little things and on track to paying off one of the school loans in two years.

 

 

[DebtheDemi]

Question: I was at church yesterday, and a lady pulled me aside and asked if I don't like wearing a lot of jewelry (really weird question to whisper; I thought she had a more important question lol). I usually have on one pair of earrings, which is ironic because I have 4 ear piercings, and that's it. Sometimes I'll put on a necklace or bracelet.

 

I'm still pretty new to identifying as ace (2 years this month), so is minimalism an ace thing, or are there some who love to be weighed down in jewelry? (This lady is usually weighed down with jewelry, and she looked so confused when I told her I like the bare minimum.)

[Snao Cone]

1 minute ago, DebtheDemi said:

Question: I was at church yesterday, and a lady pulled me aside and asked if I don't like wearing a lot of jewelry (really weird question to whisper; I thought she had a more important question lol). I usually have on one pair of earrings, which is ironic because I have 4 ear piercings, and that's it. Sometimes I'll put on a necklace or bracelet.

 

I'm still pretty new to identifying as ace (2 years this month), so is minimalism an ace thing, or are there some who love to be weighed down in jewelry? (This lady is usually weighed down with jewelry, and she looked so confused when I told her I like the bare minimum.)

I go in phases of wearing various levels of jewelry depending on what my style is at the time. The past couple of years I've been pretty sparse with it, but a few years ago I often wore necklaces, and sometimes bracelets, rings, and earrings. I was in a more feminine phase at this time. 

 

I think it might relate a bit to the way gender could be less important to express than it is for heterosexual people. I remember reading in a book about asexuality that identifying as agender is much more common among aces, especially AFAB people. Asexual people might wear less gendered jewelry, though, like the black ring on the middle finger that symbolizes asexuality. There is variation on this, of course - my last pro-jewelry phase did overlap with identifying as asexual - but you'll probably find more women or AFAB people without an interest in accessorizing in the ace community than the heterosexual population. 

[Dulcunea]

Hola como están soy muy nueva en eato, siempre  imagine que el problema era solo yo , mis amigas no lo entendian qie no sintiera necesidad de sexo. Me he leido todo sobre el tema.me gustan las chicas que parecen chicos. Estuve en relaciones distancia y me sentía bien pero en el momento de convivir no podía mantener sexo por que si. Prefiero un beso una caricia pero no me atrae el sexo.estoy mal verdad no se con quien hablar todo esto q me pasa mi cabeza tiene mucho lío. Estuve leyendo algo de los grissexual. Gracias por darme una oportunidad entre ustedes