For 30-somethings and those around that age

[Spotastic]

15 hours ago, SaturnOOO said:

I absolutely hate this situation, especially because I've seen both sides, and I wish I hadn't. On the one hand, I HATE the overly paternalistic approach to women's health and reproduction in female-bodied people that medicine developed historically and that still manifeststoday. Like, if a capable adult tells you she can't be pregnant, freaking believe her and move on! On the other hand, in urgent care especially, practitioners have no idea who they're dealing with, and the crappy thing is people do actually withold information all the time. Not saying the majority do or even a significant minority. And I'm not saying they do it maliciously. But over the course of however many patients you see over the day, it happens REGULARLY. As in, there's no way I'm pregnant because I haven't had sex, absolutely no way, not once, not even halfway/ pull out/ whatever. Urine comes back positive for pregnancy: Oh, I meant I hadn't had sex with THIS boyfriend.

Not saying I agree or disagree with how this person handled it, not saying I would necessarily have done the same thing. As I said, I would always ideally want to err on the side of believing a grown adult! I really don't think it has anything to do with orientation, though. Orientation does not always align with behaviour, and I think it's just difficult to establish that trusting relationship on both sides in an urgent care situation where there's no real history or follow up. I would certainly expect this to get much better in a more primary care setting where there is some expectation of continuity of care

I always enjoyed watching House, and he always told his doctors that "Everyone lies." Since I'm not in the medical profession, I don't know how accurate the show was compared to reality, but what he said made sense. And depending on the treatment, a "simple lie" can get someone killed.

 

As far as being open about my asexuality, I have been to anyone since I knew about it 5 years ago. I don't tend to worry about what other people might think, as long as I am saying the truth. Also, because I'm autistic, making up a story would take a lot more work from me than just being honest. I pretty much never lie or "stretch the truth" like seems to be normal for people.

[Ortac]

2 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

I find it interesting that the college required a medical assessment. Was this for a physically demanding program? Mandatory medical assessments here are fairly rare for jobs or schools because they need to be clearly necessary to be legally justified. 

No, it was not a physically demanding program at all, far from it in fact. This was about 20 years ago when I was still a very young adult and I just had to do what I was told and do whatever the powers that be demanded of me. I don't know about the legalities of it. 

[SoWhatYesWhat]

21 hours ago, Spotastic said:

I always enjoyed watching House, and he always told his doctors that "Everyone lies." Since I'm not in the medical profession, I don't know how accurate the show was compared to reality, but what he said made sense. And depending on the treatment, a "simple lie" can get someone killed. 

I wonder about this too. Shame holds people back from being honest with medical professionals. I've had friends that lie about what their feeling because they don't want to go to Behavioral Health, even though they are suffering and self harming.

 

[SoWhatYesWhat]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm new to this thread. I'll be turning 31 soon, I've never kissed anyone or had sex and I don't know what to think about it anymore. I've had men and women I was attracted to but they were either taken or a hot mess. I'm so sick of societal pressure to be someone I'm not!

[LauraGarnham]

8 minutes ago, SoWhatYesWhat said:

Hello everyone,

 

I'm new to this thread. I'll be turning 31 soon, I've never kissed anyone or had sex and I don't know what to think about it anymore. I've had men and women I was attracted to but they were either taken or a hot mess. I'm so sick of societal pressure to be someone I'm not!

I'm 30. I have kissed people and had sex, personally I don't think you are missing out on anything, they were both meh at best, and I plan to avoid both if possible at the future. Do you want to kiss people? Do you want to have sex? I am sure you could somehow arrange to have the physical experience... but that along with the emotional experiece is harder. I'd rather have the emotional without the physical... well at least without exchanging body fluids (urgh). I am sorry that societal pressure is getting you down, but don't let it force you to change, better to be cross with society than cross with yourself for living a lie right?

[SoWhatYesWhat]

11 minutes ago, LauraGarnham said:

I'm 30. I have kissed people and had sex, personally I don't think you are missing out on anything, they were both meh at best, and I plan to avoid both if possible at the future. Do you want to kiss people? Do you want to have sex? I am sure you could somehow arrange to have the physical experience... but that along with the emotional experiece is harder. I'd rather have the emotional without the physical... well at least without exchanging body fluids (urgh). I am sorry that societal pressure is getting you down, but don't let it force you to change, better to be cross with society than cross with yourself for living a lie right?

I have mixed feelings about it. I'd rather have the emotional intimacy than physical. I do see sex like a badge of adulthood. I feel like I'm an outsider and I get joking comments. I do talk about it more now than when I was a teen. The thought of sex is revolting to me, exchanging body fluids (ugh). Though I have no issue watching sex scenes on tv or reading it in book, probably because the people are perfect and beautiful and all is wonderful or terrible. I have many male friends. People I like very much, but I'm a little afraid of all of them.

I agree with you, I'd rather be honest with myself than do something that I regret because of societal pressure. I've only recently come to see myself as asexual. I used to think there was something wrong with me.

[LauraGarnham]

Sex is definitely seen as a badge of adulthood in a lot of societies. But if so, then I don't feel the need to be an 'adult'. You can definitely be a mature person without having sex, and you can be an immature person while having sex. Having had sex is not something to be impressed by/proud of etc. My respect for someone will not depend on whether they have or haven't had sex, rather if they have managed (or are trying) to create relationships, sexual or not, that work for them (if, that is, they even want relationships). 

If you are worried about comments you don't have to tell people you haven't had sex... I think most people I meet assume I am, somewhat, sexually active, because that is just what people assume. I don't bother correcting them unless I need to. 

Also, I emphasise with feeling that something is wrong with you. I used to feel the same way, and from a purely biological perspective it is 'wrong' not to want sex. We should be getting out and passing our genes to the next generation  ... but I see myself as more than just a baby making machine, so this 'wrongness' doesn't bother me.

[General]

4 hours ago, SoWhatYesWhat said:

Hello everyone,

 

I'm new to this thread. I'll be turning 31 soon, I've never kissed anyone or had sex and I don't know what to think about it anymore. I've had men and women I was attracted to but they were either taken or a hot mess. I'm so sick of societal pressure to be someone I'm not!

Hi! ☺

 

I'm turning 34 soon, and same here.  I'm a kissless virgin lol

Kind of laughing about it all at this point because I'm aware of the societal differences but don't really care.  I'm attracted to cis women but I've had the same issue with them either being taken or a complete mess....actually both at times.  Identity/Sexuality is more complex than I ever even imagined.

[General]

3 hours ago, SoWhatYesWhat said:

I have mixed feelings about it. I'd rather have the emotional intimacy than physical. I do see sex like a badge of adulthood. I feel like I'm an outsider and I get joking comments. I do talk about it more now than when I was a teen. The thought of sex is revolting to me, exchanging body fluids (ugh). Though I have no issue watching sex scenes on tv or reading it in book, probably because the people are perfect and beautiful and all is wonderful or terrible. I have many male friends. People I like very much, but I'm a little afraid of all of them.

I agree with you, I'd rather be honest with myself than do something that I regret because of societal pressure. I've only recently come to see myself as asexual. I used to think there was something wrong with me.

YES!  Emotional intimacy over sexual intimacy is what I've been knowing I wanted in a relationship.  For me, physical intimacy like cuddling, holding hands, massages, things of that nature, is where I prefer to stay as far as touching goes.  Exchanging of bodily fluids has always been repulsive in my opinion.  Wow, finally someone who agrees!  I really felt alone in my thoughts about these things for the longest time.  I'm glad I'm not alone. ☺

[bluedragonwings]

On 1/19/2019 at 3:43 PM, Snao Cone said:

Maybe because you don't have a disability that could disqualify you from doing so legally. 

But some of us are borderline but luckily no one has told the Department of Motor Vehicles. Sleep apnea wheeeeee.

 

5 hours ago, LauraGarnham said:

I'I have kissed people and had sex, personally I don't think you are missing out on anything, they were both meh at best.

Can confirm. Primarily meh. I am starting to realize that I am even rather meh on heavy kissing (sometimes not even meh). Pecks I like.

[tahneenee]

On 1/21/2019 at 11:09 AM, LauraGarnham said:

Sex is definitely seen as a badge of adulthood in a lot of societies.

Definitely felt this way which is why I was looking forward to it. Afterword I just assumed everyone must be exaggerating about it, until I found out about asexuality and started asking questions. I'm still sex positive, I don't mind talking about it, seeing it in media or doing it if my partner wants to. It's just an aerobic exercise to me. I just don't have sexual attraction or thoughts toward others. 

 

The only people I have actually talked to about it are my husband and my three closest friends. Everyone else just assumes I'm like them since I have a kid.

[SaturnOOO]

2 hours ago, taneuni said:

It's just an aerobic exercise to me.

😂 👌

[LauraGarnham]

8 hours ago, taneuni said:

It's just an aerobic exercise to me

haha... 

I'd rather do most other forms of aerobic excercise or any other excercise... but I like your practical outlook.

[Spotastic]

On 1/21/2019 at 2:00 PM, AceOfHearts_85 said:

YES!  Emotional intimacy over sexual intimacy is what I've been knowing I wanted in a relationship.  For me, physical intimacy like cuddling, holding hands, massages, things of that nature, is where I prefer to stay as far as touching goes.  Exchanging of bodily fluids has always been repulsive in my opinion.  Wow, finally someone who agrees!  I really felt alone in my thoughts about these things for the longest time.  I'm glad I'm not alone. ☺

I like the feeling of sex, but I hate the bodily fluid aspect. Although, sometimes for me sex can feel so good that it ends up becoming uncomfortable, if that makes sense. It's why my wife and I only rarely do penetrative sex, and our sex is what most people would call 'foreplay'. Overall, sex is weird. 

[bluedragonwings]

Whelp. On other topics, I get to go back to work on Monday. The difference from the status yesterday is I will be paid for it now. (I was going to have to go in w/o normal pay).

[Snao Cone]

Yay for getting paid! 

 

I, too, have to go to work on Monday. Well, I don't have to, but I probably will. It's a matter of whether I think I can walk the distance to work without risk of my stitches tearing. 

[bluedragonwings]

Yeah. Granted will still be a while before a paycheck. 

 

Stiches?!? What did you do?

[Snao Cone]

Don't worry, it was planned this time. I just had to get a small thing removed from my under the skin on my ankle. Just boring old "yeah, your body does that" stuff. 

[Guest]

 

Nothing here.

Edited January 29, 2019 by Guest

[SoWhatYesWhat]

I hate Mondays.

 

Mondays make me think of this episode of To The Best of Our Knowledge.

https://www.ttbook.org/show/whats-wrong-work

[DemiDummy]

I’m so excited to turn 30 on Monday! I’m one year closer to the age I feel (50-something). I’m traveling back to my home state to be with my twin, and we’re planning on getting matching tattoos. 😁

[rachelpenguin]

On 1/31/2019 at 3:26 PM, DemiDummy said:

I’m so excited to turn 30 on Monday! I’m one year closer to the age I feel (50-something). I’m traveling back to my home state to be with my twin, and we’re planning on getting matching tattoos. 😁

Happy birthday to you and your twin sibling! 🎂

[nerdography]

I’ll be 35 in May. I am also a kissless virgin.

 

It bothered me when I was younger, because everyone else was doing it and I felt left out and strange for not getting why it was so important.

 

And on top of that I didn’t look forward to it and thought it was something that had to be done to check off your to do list 😐 🤣

[AndrewT]

3 minutes ago, nerdography said:

I’ll be 35 in May. I am also a kissless virgin.

 

It bothered me when I was younger, because everyone else was doing it and I felt left out and strange for not getting why it was so important.

 

And on top of that I didn’t look forward to it and thought it was something that had to be done to check off your to do list 😐 🤣

welcome 

 

 

[sparklingstars]

3 hours ago, nerdography said:

I’ll be 35 in May. I am also a kissless virgin.

 

It bothered me when I was younger, because everyone else was doing it and I felt left out and strange for not getting why it was so important.

 

And on top of that I didn’t look forward to it and thought it was something that had to be done to check off your to do list 😐 🤣

Welcome to Aven!

[Entmoot]

Speaking of birthdays, I'll be 30 in July. I'm trying to shake the feeling that it's this looming deadline by which I need to have done something or figured something out. At first that "something" was trying to be physically intimate with someone in some way. Later, as I discovered this forum and started to consider identifying as ace, the goal shifted to just dating without sex. While I still dabble in some dating sites/apps, I've limited my search to people who identify as ace, so obviously that's left me with a woefully small pool, and nothing has come of it yet. Lately I've been questioning whether I should even bother with "dating" and instead should just try to meet fellow ace people casually and let things happen organically. I guess that's the "figure something out" goal: What do I actually need and want for myself, in the short and long term?

 

Of course, this is all predicated on the social construction that 30 is some important milestone. In my mind, it used to be 25, and of course that came and went without any "progress" on the above, and 30 might do the same. I wish I could actually internalize the obvious truth that age is just a number, but I'm finding that difficult. I'm disappointed by how much I've internalized societal expectations around adulthood and sex/romance, and I envy those in this thread who seem to have easily ignored them. I want to be able to celebrate my birthday in a positive way that acknowledges it's special, but without the anxiety and subsequent disappointment if (when) I don't meet any of the goals I described above. 

 

So this is a long-winded way of asking: 1) Did anyone here have a similar experience turning 30 (or whatever arbitrary milestone it was for you), and how did you deal with it? 2) Any ideas for a more attainable goal I could meet, or some symbolic act that's in the spirit of "figuring something out" but doesn't require me to solve an entire existential crisis in the next 5 months?

Edited February 2, 2019 by Entmoot

[SaturnOOO]

46 minutes ago, Entmoot said:

So this is a long-winded way of asking: 1) Did anyone here have a similar experience turning 30 (or whatever arbitrary milestone it was for you), and how did you deal with it? 2) Any ideas for a more attainable goal I could meet, or some symbolic act that's in the spirit of "figuring something out" but doesn't require me to solve an entire existential crisis in the next 5 months?

Oh man, yes. 30 was a hard year for me filled with a lot of self doubt. I had not yet started to identify as asexual and was struggling A LOT with reconciling in myself how I had no desire to meet the sort of milestones that seemed to come naturally to others in my age group with the irrational guilt and self blame I was still feeling for not meeting them. Less so the sexual stuff but that too! I questioned pretty much every decision I had made up to that point in my life and really started to think I had just taken the totally wrong path. I did push myself beyond my comfort level and tried dating a bit, including casual sex, to varying degrees of displeasure. I doubted my decisions on education, profession, finances... Everything. Finding aven really helped me in the sense that it was really easy for me to start identifying as asexual... And soon after aromantic. Like once my brain understood that was an option it was such a relief. Opening myself up to accepting that part of me without the self-doubt and self- analysis into what was "wrong" also helped me accept other aspects of my life where I just felt like I was walking a bit of a different path than society at large would have expected of me. As for advice, I'm not sure I have anything that will magically make it better. Mainly I think it's just important to realize that just because there's some sort of emotional/ societal significance attached to 30 as opposed to 29, fill stops like that just don't really happen in life. You're just walking your path now as you still will be 10 years from now. It helps me to remind myself that there's no end date to self- improvement and that the ideal of having everything perfectly figured out while you're still in your 20s/ 30s is just a byproduct of our culture's unhealthy idolatry of youth over age and experience. 

[Snao Cone]

Things started to get much better for me at 30. I got a better job and just felt more in control of my life. I started to think I might be asexual, but the biggest leaps in that were when I was 31. Overall, though, my 30s have been much better than my 20s, and there's nothing to be afraid about. 

[Entmoot]

@SaturnOOO Thanks so much for your response. I also felt immediate relief when I discovered AVEN, but for me that feeling comes and goes and is interspersed with self-doubt. So clearly that's a journey that differs for everyone, but it helps to know how it's gone well for others, and it's awesome that accepting asexuality helped you accept other aspects of your life. I think in my case, it might be the reverse: there are other ways in which I've deviated from the mainstream (vegetarianism and not driving are the main ones) that I feel mostly ok about or even proud of (except occasional insecurity about not driving). Maybe I can try to channel that pride/self-acceptance into my asexuality (or Questioning...ness?). 

 

What's frustrating is that as a teenager it was very easy for me to walk a different path from the rest of society, and it's only as I've gotten older that I've succumbed more to societal norms--or more specifically, social comparison (aka the source of a lot of unhappiness). I used to think that was a byproduct of maturity, but now I think I've just been beaten down, that it was too hard to be different. I also think studying psychology has made me think more in terms of what's "normal" vs. "dysfunctional," and it's very hard for me to turn off the self-analysis instinct. Maybe that should be the first goal....

[Entmoot]

12 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Overall, though, my 30s have been much better than my 20s, and there's nothing to be afraid about. 

That's encouraging, thanks! I've heard that from a lot of people, so I'm hopeful...