For 30-somethings and those around that age

[AndrewT]

Granted I'm male, but Doctor has never asked me about my sex life.

 

Unless they had a legit reason such as suspected an STI/D i doubt they would

 

 

[Snao Cone]

Yeah, there are more health factors at play for those of us with a uterus. Damn things.

[General]

44 minutes ago, SaturnOOO said:

 

I'm a medical professional who is asexual, and I hadn't heard of it until a few years ago. I'm glad I did... Definitely finding AVEN has changed my life for the better, but it's just still not a widely known about orientation. Bare in mind medical professionals deal with people of all orientations and sex behaviours, and by far a bigger problem when it comes to individual and public health  is ensuring people are comfortable sharing these behaviours with their providers, as holding back info due to embarrassment or fear of judgement still happens on the daily. A lot of energy goes into normalizing sexual behaviour in order to decrease stigma and fear of embarrassment and facilitate open communication between patient and provider. It may be as simple as that professional just does not know that asexuality exists and would benefit from referral to reputable sources of info on it. I suspect that the origin of the comments you're getting, as annoying and invalidating as they may feel, is not judgement but simply an effort to keep the dialogue about sex open, with consideration for the fact that the vast majority of us, asexual or not, will eventually experience some sort of sexual behaviour or situation. 

There's no excuse in this day and age for a M.D., as well as others in the field, to assume that all of their patients are cis and straight.  In my almost 34 years of existence, no doctor I've ever seen has asked me how I identify or how I live my life.  And if by chance they did ask a brief question, they were unprofessional and rude as hell about it.  Even if they don't know about asexuality, they still shouldn't assume all female bodied people are interested in pregnancy, contraception, and sex with a male partner.  That's exactly what I'm hit with every time I go to any type of doctor.  I am VISIBLY gender nonconforming, queer....whatever you want to call it.  There's no excuse for ANYONE working in a medical setting in the 21st century to not use their brain and think, "Hmm...this person appears to be unconventional.  Perhaps I should take precautions and not use any language that may be off putting.  I should be discreet and ask politely about their pronouns and other personal information.  Their identity and behavioral activities are important and relevant in healthcare.  I should do my best to make sure this patient is receiving the proper treatment."  But does this happen?  Oh no, absolutely not.  Not even close.  This isn't rocket science, it's incredibly simple, easy stuff here.  There's either extremely limited training on LGBT+ care or there's flat out none at all going on in many of these facilities.  If that doesn't explain it, I don't know what else it could be.

[General]

30 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

I haven't talked to any medical professionals about asexuality, but they also don't ask. I told my GP that I haven't had sex in over three years and she didn't react any differently than other answers I would give to her routine questions. She asks questions like that because it affects how often I should get pap smears, and because medications I'm on could complicate pregnancy. I've learned to interpret doctor questions in more dry and scientific ways (though I'm still not perfect at that).

That's right, they normally don't ask about your orientation.  I once told a physician's assistant that I was a virgin and she gave me a look like I just sprouted wings.  

 

Her: "Are you sexually active?" Me: No.  "When was the last time you had sex?"  Me: Never.  Her: 

 

She was so confused.  Stared at me in confusion, looked down at her notes in confusion.  She had to ask me that last question a second time.  As if my answer was going to change somehow.  And why does she think everyone has had sex before?  As if adult virgins don't exist.  She didn't even bother asking about my identity or about the rest of my "lifestyle."  Pretty sure she thought I was lying, they all think that.  I've been told to pee in a cup on numerous occasions after these convos, which is code red for pregnancy test.  *eye roll*  smh

[SaturnOOO]

I didn't say anything about assuming all people are cis and straight. Just as I wouldn't assume a lesbian couldn't possibly be having PiV sex and therefore not consider any of the issues that may be relevant if she were, it would be inappropriate to assume behaviour or lack thereof just from someone's stated orientation of asexual. There's no excuse for disrespecting anyone; I was just offering another possible interpretation of a concern that's frequently brought up here. My interpretation of this particular scenario might be totally off base. Just wanted to point out that the concept of asexuality is relatively new to the mainstream understanding of orientation. 

[Spotastic]

16 hours ago, Rach1234 said:

What about when it’s said by a medical professional?

So far, my time with therapists in Wisconsin has been really positive so far. When I still lived in Texas, I had issues, but the two different therapists I've seen so far here have both known about asexuality when I mentioned it. One of them even knew what I meant when I said specifically gray asexual. There are just too many who don't have enough information, though.

[Lexicdys]

As a "younger" MD, I can attest to the training we get in LGBTQ topics nowadays. Most medical schools and even residency training programs have these topics within their curriculums. That being said, I do have to admit that most of my seniors seem dumfounded whenever any queer topic is brought up, so I'm not surprised by the comments I've been reading on here. I don't believe the vast majority come from a judgmental or bad place. I think the medically community as a whole benefits if we just take the time to explain things to them or notify them of what pronouns we use. I'm sure that's not the case for all, but in all honesty, I'm learning about asexuality now and I used to think that I knew more about LGBTQ topics than the average person 😅

[kiaroskuro]

On 1/16/2019 at 1:51 AM, AceOfHearts_85 said:

And if by chance they did ask a brief question, they were unprofessional and rude as hell about it.  Even if they don't know about asexuality, they still shouldn't assume all female bodied people are interested in pregnancy, contraception, and sex with a male partner.  

Exactly!

I know that they have to ask certain questions at times, but I would prefer not to be treated like someone from outer space simply because I'm non-heterosexual, thank you very much.

[General]

6 hours ago, kiaroskuro said:

Exactly!

I know that they have to ask certain questions at times, but I would prefer not to be treated like someone from outer space simply because I'm non-heterosexual, thank you very much.

Absolutely.  I'm legitimately annoyed with their "routine" questions at this point.  I've been going to the same medical facility for the past 4 years now and I'm still getting the same heteronormative questions even though I've given them the same answers each time without any change.  You would think somebody there would get a clue by now.  

 

If a patient said they've NEVER had sex before and they're in their 30s, a normal doctor with any functioning brain cells should be asking questions pertaining to my identity/"lifestyle" automatically so they can give me the proper care.  But no, they just end up looking at me utterly confused with a "WTF is wrong with you?" face.  

 

I'm not volunteering information, because I shouldn't have to.  I shouldn't have to out myself to anyone.  "Hi, I'm blank.  By the way, I'm a HUGE QUEER."  No, sorry that's not how it works.  They should be asking the CORRECT questions POLITELY instead of assuming everyone is a cis het. 

 

Excuse my rant, but this ridiculous BS just pisses me off.  smh

[Snao Cone]

Interesting, when my doctors ask me those questions I give them simple answers and the conversation moves on. Though sometimes they ask the ridiculously stupid question if if I'm driving a motor vehicle. 

[General]

38 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Interesting, when my doctors ask me those questions I give them simple answers and the conversation moves on. Though sometimes they ask the ridiculously stupid question if if I'm driving a motor vehicle. 

Too ace to drive.  LMAOOO

[LVG]

I can honestly say, I've never been asked if I drive a vehicle. I guess they just assume that I do, which is correct. 

[Spotastic]

I periodically get asked if I drive a vehicle, but I think that's because my pain medicine states that I shouldn't.  I never got my license, though, so I couldn't anyway. I tried about 10 years ago, but my back pain started to get too bad for me to drive more than 20 minutes at a time with a permit.

[Snao Cone]

I get asked because I would need medical clearance to get a license, so they either want to make sure I'm not endangering myself, or they want to offer giving me said clearance. It's just like if they ask if I'm sexually active or pregnant/wanting to become pregnant, they are ensuring that I'm getting proper care - like paps at appropriate intervals, or that I'm not endangering a fetus with my medication, or that we don't need to look at changing medication in anticipation of pregnancy. It doesn't offend me for them to ask. 

[Elftober Country]

I don’t recall ever being asked if I drive a vehicle 

[Guest]

If I didn't live so dang far from everything I would give up my license. I hate driving. 

[rachelpenguin]

I just don't like the assumption some people make that everyone is (hetero)sexual until told otherwise.

[General]

11 minutes ago, Rach1234 said:

I just don't like the assumption some people make that everyone is (hetero)sexual until told otherwise.

I agree.  I don't like people making assumptions about me in any context.  I know this happens regularly with most people, and I use to make assumptions about others myself before I realized that I was in the LGBT+ category.  I've learned a lot since then, and now I make a conscious effort to not assume anything about anyone.  It's mainly ignorance that makes people assume things.  If more people took the time to educate themselves we wouldn't be dealing with this mess.

[Snao Cone]

2 hours ago, October Country said:

I don’t recall ever being asked if I drive a vehicle 

Maybe because you don't have a disability that could disqualify you from doing so legally. 

[Elftober Country]

2 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Maybe because you don't have a disability that could disqualify you from doing so legally. 

No, I don’t but I’ve been prescribed medication which should have yielded some questions.

[Entmoot]

On 1/15/2019 at 8:23 PM, AceOfHearts_85 said:

That's right, they normally don't ask about your orientation.  I once told a physician's assistant that I was a virgin and she gave me a look like I just sprouted wings.  

 

Her: "Are you sexually active?" Me: No.  "When was the last time you had sex?"  Me: Never.  Her: 

 

She was so confused.  Stared at me in confusion, looked down at her notes in confusion.  She had to ask me that last question a second time.  As if my answer was going to change somehow.  And why does she think everyone has had sex before?  As if adult virgins don't exist.  She didn't even bother asking about my identity or about the rest of my "lifestyle."  Pretty sure she thought I was lying, they all think that.  I've been told to pee in a cup on numerous occasions after these convos, which is code red for pregnancy test.  *eye roll*  smh

I had to take a pregnancy test before a doctor would prescribe birth control (which I take to treat extremely painful cramps). This was after I told her there's no way I could be pregnant because I'm not sexually active. I asked her if this was some sort of legal requirement, and she said something like, "No, but I just have to do it for my peace of mind." It was humiliating because it was essentially her saying that she thinks I'm lying to her face, and then waiting around for them to confirm that I was not in fact lying. I'm not sure that what she did was legal, but it's not worth my trouble to raise anything.

 

That was at an urgent care facility. More recently, I go to the health center at the university where I work, and they've been much better so far. My guess is there's more education and awareness of sexual minority stuff on this campus than out in the community. 

 

I'm curious if there would be fewer suspicious/incredulous looks if we were to simply identify as asexual. 

[General]

49 minutes ago, Entmoot said:

I had to take a pregnancy test before a doctor would prescribe birth control (which I take to treat extremely painful cramps). This was after I told her there's no way I could be pregnant because I'm not sexually active. I asked her if this was some sort of legal requirement, and she said something like, "No, but I just have to do it for my peace of mind." It was humiliating because it was essentially her saying that she thinks I'm lying to her face, and then waiting around for them to confirm that I was not in fact lying. I'm not sure that what she did was legal, but it's not worth my trouble to raise anything.

 

That was at an urgent care facility. More recently, I go to the health center at the university where I work, and they've been much better so far. My guess is there's more education and awareness of sexual minority stuff on this campus than out in the community. 

 

I'm curious if there would be fewer suspicious/incredulous looks if we were to simply identify as asexual. 

I hear you.  This type of treatment from so-called "medical professionals" is incredibly demeaning.  They all think we're lying.

 

I was prescribed birth control pills numerous times without taking a pregnancy test.  They only asked me if I could  possibly be pregnant.  I refuse to take any type of birth control and they look at me like I'm insane.  I don't want that toxic crap in my body.  All they want to do is push pills down our throats because they're too ignorant and lazy to get to the bottom of the issue.

 

Currently my insurance has me going to see my primary at a medical university in my town.  You would think since it's an actual school they would know how to handle diverse patients.  NOPE!  There isn't a single sign of LGBT+ awareness/friendliness anywhere.

 

I don't out myself as ace or anything else because I feel unsafe.  I've already received judgement and poor treatment simply because of my masculine appearance.  The last thing I need is for them to tell me some ridiculousness like I need to see a psychiatrist for my lack of sexual attraction.  No thanks.

 

[SaturnOOO]

4 hours ago, Entmoot said:

I had to take a pregnancy test before a doctor would prescribe birth control (which I take to treat extremely painful cramps). This was after I told her there's no way I could be pregnant because I'm not sexually active. I asked her if this was some sort of legal requirement, and she said something like, "No, but I just have to do it for my peace of mind." It was humiliating because it was essentially her saying that she thinks I'm lying to her face, and then waiting around for them to confirm that I was not in fact lying. I'm not sure that what she did was legal, but it's not worth my trouble to raise anything.

 

That was at an urgent care facility. More recently, I go to the health center at the university where I work, and they've been much better so far. My guess is there's more education and awareness of sexual minority stuff on this campus than out in the community. 

 

I'm curious if there would be fewer suspicious/incredulous looks if we were to simply identify as asexual. 

I absolutely hate this situation, especially because I've seen both sides, and I wish I hadn't. On the one hand, I HATE the overly paternalistic approach to women's health and reproduction in female-bodied people that medicine developed historically and that still manifeststoday. Like, if a capable adult tells you she can't be pregnant, freaking believe her and move on! On the other hand, in urgent care especially, practitioners have no idea who they're dealing with, and the crappy thing is people do actually withold information all the time. Not saying the majority do or even a significant minority. And I'm not saying they do it maliciously. But over the course of however many patients you see over the day, it happens REGULARLY. As in, there's no way I'm pregnant because I haven't had sex, absolutely no way, not once, not even halfway/ pull out/ whatever. Urine comes back positive for pregnancy: Oh, I meant I hadn't had sex with THIS boyfriend.

Not saying I agree or disagree with how this person handled it, not saying I would necessarily have done the same thing. As I said, I would always ideally want to err on the side of believing a grown adult! I really don't think it has anything to do with orientation, though. Orientation does not always align with behaviour, and I think it's just difficult to establish that trusting relationship on both sides in an urgent care situation where there's no real history or follow up. I would certainly expect this to get much better in a more primary care setting where there is some expectation of continuity of care

[Entmoot]

@SaturnOOO I definitely see the reasoning behind the doctor's insistence. I had seen her once before and really liked her, so I believe she was just doing her best and acting in good faith. It's just unfortunate that people like me are apparently more rare than people who lie to doctors. And I wonder if I were to use the asexual label in these situations, if that would help boost awareness to make it just a little less likely that a doctor would feel they can't trust adults who say they don't have sex. Isn't it kind of on us to educate people? That said, I'm not suggesting it's every asexual person's responsibility to identify themselves, especially if they feel unsafe as @AceOfHearts_85 said. 

 

Honestly, I would rather take a pregnancy test every time I have to refill my prescription rather than get a pap smear, which is what the health center seemingly wants to impose. Last year I had two failed pap smears that were very painful, and they ended up renewing my prescription for another year anyway, but not sure if they will do so again. But that's another issue that I'm sure has spawned multiple threads elsewhere...

[SaturnOOO]

44 minutes ago, Entmoot said:

It's just unfortunate that people like me are apparently more rare than people who lie to doctors.

Oh I think the vast majority of people are honest. I just think that it only takes a few bad experiences to make you a bit paranoid when the stakes are high. Not saying like it, but I think that's mostly been my experience. I have wondered about that as well: if I should be more open about my orientation in order to do my part in making it more visible and mainstream. Honestly I do think it would help a little. In the end we are a bit of a rare breed; having more awareness that some people don't have sex because they just don't like it, not because there is some trauma or they're embarrassed or they think they will be judged, would actually result in fewer "double takes"! I'm not a super forthcoming person about personal information that I don't think is immediately relevant, though, so I haven't yet shared my orientation with any providers.

[Skycaptain]

I agree that people just assume that everyone drives. 

I've been surprised when people say they don't drive before now 

[Charna]

5 hours ago, SaturnOOO said:

Oh I think the vast majority of people are honest. I just think that it only takes a few bad experiences to make you a bit paranoid when the stakes are high. Not saying like it, but I think that's mostly been my experience. I have wondered about that as well: if I should be more open about my orientation in order to do my part in making it more visible and mainstream. Honestly I do think it would help a little. In the end we are a bit of a rare breed; having more awareness that some people don't have sex because they just don't like it, not because there is some trauma or they're embarrassed or they think they will be judged, would actually result in fewer "double takes"! I'm not a super forthcoming person about personal information that I don't think is immediately relevant, though, so I haven't yet shared my orientation with any providers.

I can understand being hesitant about sharng your personal information. A single person coming forth about their orientation/gender etc. is always at bigger risk, because a single person is an easy target. I haven't been open my asexuality at all, though I try to be open about my past depression in order to raise awareness about mental ilnesses, since there are many misconceptions and prejudice against it too. That is easier, though, because I've been free of it for years now, so it's like talking about a bad experience from the past.

[Ortac]

I did once when I was a student have to have a medical assessment that I didn't really want; it was some stupid condition my college inflicted upon its applicants. 

 

The stupid arsehole who was conducting the assessment asked the question "do you use condoms"? and I replied "no".

The arsehole of a medical professional then immediately started tutting and said stern words implying that I was behaving extremely irresponsibly, and he lectured me patronisingly about the consequences.

 

If he had any degree of professionalism about him, he would have first asked "Are you sexually active"? because the answer to that question drastically changes the meaning of the answer to the condom question. 

 

I was not exactly polite to him during the rest of the assessment.

[Snao Cone]

3 hours ago, Ortac said:

If he had any degree of professionalism about him, he would have first asked "Are you sexually active"? because the answer to that question drastically changes the meaning of the answer to the condom question. 

No kidding, that's just common sense. 

 

I find it interesting that the college required a medical assessment. Was this for a physically demanding program? Mandatory medical assessments here are fairly rare for jobs or schools because they need to be clearly necessary to be legally justified. 

[General]

5 hours ago, Ortac said:

I did once when I was a student have to have a medical assessment that I didn't really want; it was some stupid condition my college inflicted upon its applicants. 

 

The stupid arsehole who was conducting the assessment asked the question "do you use condoms"? and I replied "no".

The arsehole of a medical professional then immediately started tutting and said stern words implying that I was behaving extremely irresponsibly, and he lectured me patronisingly about the consequences.

 

If he had any degree of professionalism about him, he would have first asked "Are you sexually active"? because the answer to that question drastically changes the meaning of the answer to the condom question. 

 

I was not exactly polite to him during the rest of the assessment.

People like that legitimately piss me off.  I would've made him feel extremely stupid for speaking to me that way.  smh 😠