LVG Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 On 11/28/2018 at 9:13 AM, Ameline257 said: How do you guys deal with the pressure of people expecting you to get married. Everyone I know is gong down that road, and now I stick out like a sore thum. The questions about my lack of marriage are getting harder to avoid and justify. I wish I could just tell them to piss off.... but that doesn't always work and sometimes it just makes people more determined. I'm lucky in that I don't feel pressured at all. My parents don't really care if I get married or not and most of my friends are either single or divorced so they're certainly not pressuring me into it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Spotastic Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 On 11/28/2018 at 8:13 AM, Ameline257 said: How do you guys deal with the pressure of people expecting you to get married. I've been married for 11 years now, so I can't comment too much on this point. However, I didn't have any sort of relationship until I was 23, and I took @Homer's approach up until I got married. Of course, people were thinking I was moving too fast then, as we got married 6 months after meeting (online), and I moved across the country to live with her after getting out of the military. Just do your own thing. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
General Posted November 30, 2018 Share Posted November 30, 2018 On Wednesday, November 28, 2018 at 6:13 AM, Ameline257 said: How do you guys deal with the pressure of people expecting you to get married. Everyone I know is gong down that road, and now I stick out like a sore thum. The questions about my lack of marriage are getting harder to avoid and justify. I wish I could just tell them to piss off.... but that doesn't always work and sometimes it just makes people more determined. I've been rather lucky. Even though most of my good friends are married with kids or in long term relationships, I haven't been pressured or really questioned by any of them. I think they just assume I haven't found anyone yet. I'm not out to all of them, only a few. As for my family, the only person I've come out to as Ace is my grandparent who raised me. She doesn't think it's normal to be how I am, but she hasn't ever pressured me to find a partner. In all honesty if some questions do start to arise I'm not entirely sure I'll know what to say. I would have to out myself in order to answer. Depending on who's asking I might tell them the truth that I'm looking for an Ace partner because I'm Ace, or I may just tell them "I like to keep my personal life private," which is the ultra polite way of saying mind your damn business. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gysti Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 Ever since my older sister got married and had kids, my parents are pretty satisfied so I guess I'm off the hook. Thanks sis. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LVG Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 My brother plans on getting married and having kids, so my parents might have grandchildren some day, but neither really care if they do or not. I'm really am lucky to have parents like mine. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kiaroskuro Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 On 11/30/2018 at 7:13 PM, AceOfHearts_85 said: Even though most of my good friends are married with kids or in long term relationships, I haven't been pressured or really questioned by any of them. I lost nearly all my good old friends from school and uni - often when they got married, at the latest when they had kids. It felt as if our lives had veered in very different directions. It was painful, but I just had to accept it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
General Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 33 minutes ago, kiaroskuro said: I lost nearly all my good old friends from school and uni - often when they got married, at the latest when they had kids. It felt as if our lives had veered in very different directions. It was painful, but I just had to accept it. I'm sorry things didn't work out. What honestly saved many of these friendships for me was social media. Facebook made it really easy to stay in touch. I know not everyone has the same relationship with their friends as I do, but many of mine so far have been including me in their lives. I get invited to weddings, baby showers, other social events, even their children's birthday parties. The ones that moved a long distance from me still text. I know I'm quite fortunate, but I also realize that their lives and priorities are drastically different from mine. I do my best to be understanding of that. If your good friends won't take a small amount of time out of their day to acknowledge your friendship, perhaps it's best that they have gone their separate ways. You deserve to be remembered and included. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 8 hours ago, AceOfHearts_85 said: If your good friends won't take a small amount of time out of their day to acknowledge your friendship, perhaps it's best that they have gone their separate ways. I'm sure people see me as being guilty of this, but I don't talk with all of my friends on a daily (or even weekly) basis because I don't need to have that much contact to feel connected to them. I can catch up with people every month or a few times a year, even, and still feel committed to them as a friend if we have a long history together. I hope for the same from them. We're all too busy drowning in our own lives anyway. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
General Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 21 minutes ago, Snaodolph said: I'm sure people see me as being guilty of this, but I don't talk with all of my friends on a daily (or even weekly) basis because I don't need to have that much contact to feel connected to them. I can catch up with people every month or a few times a year, even, and still feel committed to them as a friend if we have a long history together. I hope for the same from them. We're all too busy drowning in our own lives anyway. Acknowledging a person doesn't mean you have to see or talk to them daily. It can be as simple as liking a post on social media. If someone doesn't have time to click a button on a phone that they're constantly using anyway, I don't need their "friendship" because they clearly aren't worth mine. All of this social technology exists in the 21st century and was designed to make communicating quicker/easier, yet people act like the effort dispensed for using their fingers for 5 seconds is equivalent to running a marathon. Something's seriously wrong with that, and I don't buy it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 I don't use Facebook because I'd rather catch up every now and then than know what everyone is doing based on intermittent status updates that everyone can see, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. It's true that I have no excuse and the means are at my fingertips, but that has been a source of unnecessary stress for me as well, and I know I'm not alone. The only reason I haven't entirely deleted my account is because it's the only way some people are willing to communicate anymore, so every few months I might log in to see what some people have been up to. If they're still in the area I'll suggest getting together. If I posted everything on Facebook or read everything all of my friends posted, there would be no purpose to get together and reconnect the way I like to. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kiaroskuro Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 15 hours ago, AceOfHearts_85 said: If your good friends won't take a small amount of time out of their day to acknowledge your friendship, perhaps it's best that they have gone their separate ways. You deserve to be remembered and included. I guess that's true ... Although, to be fair, in one case at least I was the one who distanced herself. I've never been on Facebook. Liking posts on 'social media' - does Goodreads count? - is a nice way of getting in contact with (mostly) strangers or acquaintances. But that's about it, usually. Friendship is on a whole different level for me, it's about meaningful interaction and convos. And I don't know, I have a feeling that FB would ruin my few friendships rather than keep them alive. Then again, I think it's definitely possible to find real friends through social media and 'small talk' that evolves into real conversations. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tyke Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 7 hours ago, Snaodolph said: I'm sure people see me as being guilty of this, but I don't talk with all of my friends on a daily (or even weekly) basis because I don't need to have that much contact to feel connected to them. I can catch up with people every month or a few times a year, even, and still feel committed to them as a friend if we have a long history together. I hope for the same from them. We're all too busy drowning in our own lives anyway. Exactly. Couldn't agree more. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
General Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 5 hours ago, kiaroskuro said: I guess that's true ... Although, to be fair, in one case at least I was the one who distanced herself. I've never been on Facebook. Liking posts on 'social media' - does Goodreads count? - is a nice way of getting in contact with (mostly) strangers or acquaintances. But that's about it, usually. Friendship is on a whole different level for me, it's about meaningful interaction and convos. And I don't know, I have a feeling that FB would ruin my few friendships rather than keep them alive. Then again, I think it's definitely possible to find real friends through social media and 'small talk' that evolves into real conversations. The platform doesn't have to be Facebook, you can engage in any form of social interaction. Just letting people know that they are seen and heard is important in any friendship. Personally, I don't find social media to be less meaningful. Does it replace face-to-face in-person interactions? No it doesn't. But that certainly doesn't mean it's worthless. Those people are still people you care about behind a screen. Social media doesn't ruin friendships. People do. A friendship can be ruined in-person, so it really depends on the individual you're interacting with rather than how you're interacting. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Spotastic Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 On 12/2/2018 at 9:53 PM, Snaodolph said: I'm sure people see me as being guilty of this, but I don't talk with all of my friends on a daily (or even weekly) basis because I don't need to have that much contact to feel connected to them. I can catch up with people every month or a few times a year, even, and still feel committed to them as a friend if we have a long history together. I hope for the same from them. We're all too busy drowning in our own lives anyway. I see things this way, too. My best friend recently left FB because he was tired of all the bullshit there. He's the only real lasting friendship I've ever had with someone, and I rarely use Twitter or Instagram where he moved to, but I know we're still friends. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ChubbyUnicorn Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 I’m here for advice, and maybe some support. I’m 32, female and always just thought I’ve had a low or non-existent sex drive - but, after blood tests, doctor’s visits and most recently a sex therapist - I starting to wonder if I’m actually just asexual and been in denial for a very long time. I honestly don’t know where to go from here... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
General Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 2 hours ago, ChubbyUnicorn said: I’m here for advice, and maybe some support. I’m 32, female and always just thought I’ve had a low or non-existent sex drive - but, after blood tests, doctor’s visits and most recently a sex therapist - I starting to wonder if I’m actually just asexual and been in denial for a very long time. I honestly don’t know where to go from here... Hello, welcome It's very possible that you are ace. However, hormone levels/sex drive do not determine your sexual orientation. I have a high libido, my testosterone is low, and my estrogen is high. I'm still ace. I've never been to a sex therapist though. I'm honestly happy that I'm asexual. Feel free to ask a ton of questions. Everyone needs to find out who they are. 👍 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Charna Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 3 hours ago, ChubbyUnicorn said: I’m here for advice, and maybe some support. I’m 32, female and always just thought I’ve had a low or non-existent sex drive If it helps, I used to think the same for years; my libido is just very low etc. And it was long after learning about asexuality before I've even realized I was ace. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 3 hours ago, ChubbyUnicorn said: I’m here for advice, and maybe some support. I’m 32, female and always just thought I’ve had a low or non-existent sex drive - but, after blood tests, doctor’s visits and most recently a sex therapist - I starting to wonder if I’m actually just asexual and been in denial for a very long time. I honestly don’t know where to go from here... Hi, and welcome. If your low libido/sex drive are causing you some distress, you might find answers from your doctor or therapist. However, if you're not distressed by it (like if you think you'd be happy without ever having sex again) then you might be asexual. If it ain't broke don't fix it - and it's only "broken" if it's causing you problems that don't come from other sources. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jorhrubens Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 🤨 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pandemonium Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 On 12/4/2018 at 5:02 PM, Spotastic said: I see things this way, too. My best friend recently left FB because he was tired of all the bullshit there. He's the only real lasting friendship I've ever had with someone, and I rarely use Twitter or Instagram where he moved to, but I know we're still friends. SM is such a blessing and a curse isn't it - my FB account is a 10 yo zombie at this point. Although families/kids etc are a big barrier to maintaining friendships in your 30s I don't think thats the everything here - loads of people just go and do their own thing and then you realise you haven't seen someone for ages. But it seems like everyone says that so I suspect you're spot on about being still friends, it likely occurs to them in the same way. Am wrestling hard with how to reconnect/make new connections myself rn. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
pizzaandrootbeer Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 On 12/4/2018 at 12:20 PM, ChubbyUnicorn said: I’m here for advice, and maybe some support. I’m 32, female and always just thought I’ve had a low or non-existent sex drive - but, after blood tests, doctor’s visits and most recently a sex therapist - I starting to wonder if I’m actually just asexual and been in denial for a very long time. I honestly don’t know where to go from here... I found it helpful, even though it was scary as hell for whatever reason, to take the time to think deeply about what it is I really feel. As insanely cheesy as that sounds...stepping back from myself, and my fears and my conceptions of who I should be helped me to "come out" to myself. The themes in my life presented themselves when I looked them in the face. The people I noticed were brought to the surface. The feelings I remember from the past and now started to align themselves with something like a definition. ...still, not sure where to go from here. But accepting that what/how I feel is common and actually just fine was a good place to start from. Not sure how helpful that is 😬 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rose81 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Hi. I'm 37. Female. Feel very isolated and tired of dating as everybody seems to want sex. I just don't see the point of it. I used to do it to please partners, but after my husband and my divorce resulting in his attitude towards my lack of interest in sex(among other things), anything sexual makes me cringe. Lonely existence and I really want to find someone to relate to. Sorry if I'm a downer. It's nice to "meet" everyone here. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rose81 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 On 8/11/2018 at 6:05 PM, LadyOracle said: Completely unrelated question... I notice the changes in my body now I'm in my thirties, skin that's less tight, floppy thighs and arms and stuff - I exercise a lot so it's not that, it's really the skin - and it just makes me giggle. I feel like it's supposed to make me insecure because of all the ads telling you to become slim and use all kinds of cream and stuff. But I just play with it and laugh out loud because of how it wiggles. Do you think it might be because I don't feel attracted to anyone based on looks I just don't feel that my body has to be attractive? Or is it something most people here still worry about? I'm right there with ya! Love my new wrinkles! 😁 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewT Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 16 minutes ago, Rose81 said: Hi. I'm 37. Female. Feel very isolated and tired of dating as everybody seems to want sex. I just don't see the point of it. I used to do it to please partners, but after my husband and my divorce resulting in his attitude towards my lack of interest in sex(among other things), anything sexual makes me cringe. Lonely existence and I really want to find someone to relate to. Sorry if I'm a downer. It's nice to "meet" everyone here. Hi and welcome When I joined back in Jan, i felt pretty alone too I went to a local meetup made some friends, one I've become good friends with I'm also in a LDR with another ace now. I'm definitely not as lonely, I have two people close to me now that I can discuss things with that I can't with the non asexual world. Don't give up hope Andrew 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 @Rose81 welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rose81 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 2 minutes ago, AndrewT said: Hi and welcome When I joined back in Jan, i felt pretty alone too I went to a local meetup made some friends, one I've become good friends with I'm also in a LDR with another ace now. I'm definitely not as lonely, I have two people close to me now that I can discuss things with that I can't with the non asexual world. Don't give up hope Andrew Thank you. I appreciate it. 😊 I haven't the slightest idea how to find a local group here. Chatting here is a start at least. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rose81 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 1 minute ago, Sleighcaptain said: @Rose81 welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 Thanks a bunch. Feels good to be where people seem to have something in common with me. 🙂 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rose81 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 On 11/4/2018 at 7:37 PM, bluedragonwings said: So a general aging question. How many of you feel your personality has changed since your, lets say, late teens? I recently asked people I knew back in high school what they thought my personality was like at the time, it was both very different and very similar to how I thought they would answer but different than I felt at the time. So much. I sometimes read journals from that time and it feels like reading a stranger's. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rose81 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 On 11/5/2018 at 1:56 AM, happykitten62 said: Hi everyone, how do you deal with loneliness? Being in my 30s, most of my old friends are married and have families, and it is just not possible to spend as much time with them. I am the only ace I know in my social circle, and I am the only one that is still single. Being an introvert (and non-religious so that means it is not possible for me to meet people through churches or religious activities), it is quite difficult for me to meet new people. My job has left me with little to no free time, so I also do not have the time to meet people. Pretty much everyone new I've met so far are from work, the majority of whom are the same age as my parents and also are married with families. Besides, I am just not comfortable with becoming very close friends with a coworker - I would not confide in a coworker if I need to talk. On some days, I find it very difficult to come home to an empty house without anyone to talk to, especially when I've had a terrible day or when I get super anxious/scared/worried about something...how do all of you deal with that? I don't. Not yet in any case. Taking my first steps here after being lonely for a year and a half following a divorce. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rose81 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 On 11/22/2018 at 5:00 PM, Pandemonium said: On a related note what kind of age were you guys when you felt like you could properly define your identity (appreciating it evolves but you probably get my meaning)? I was well into my 30s when I could put a 'name' to being demi (and I had 2 kids by then!) Its odd coming to it so late but also a relief obviously Still working on it tbh. Got 2 kids as well. 🙄 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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