For 30-somethings and those around that age

[CforCatherine]

Hi @dionysian_dame! I’m pretty new here, too, and welcome! 

[Mulan]

Welcome @CforCatherine and @dionysian_dame from a lurker and occasional poster!  Enjoy your stay here

[narcolepsomnia]

Hi there! I’m new here and thought I pop in and say hi. I’m 29 years old and thought looking at a 30-something forum would be more relatable for me

I identify as a demisexual heteroromantic, which sometimes put me in a difficult situation since most people would say i’m pretty much straight and i’m making up my condition. But i had always known growing up there was something different about me in the way that i never really thought about sex. The only time i actually feel like i want to was when i was with my ex boyfriend of 6 years.

 

so yeah, hoping to gain new friends and new perspectives from fellow members 😊

 

and oh, since everyone was talking about their HP house, i’m a ravenclaw! And i cant choose between #10 and #11 for my fave Doctor

[Skycaptain]

Welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 all newcomers 

[bluedragonwings]

The doom that is aging out of this bracket draws closer. Ever closer. 

[CforCatherine]

Oh, @narcolepsomnia I can relate! You sound so much like me (right down to house and Doctors). For me it feels like some kind of imposter syndrome or like I’m trying to gatecrash somewhere I don’t belong. It took a lot of research, lurking here, and decoupling society’s expectations from what I want for myself to fully realise I’m ace. But I am and that feels right. Plus everyone has been wonderfully welcoming : )

[AndrewT]

On ‎6‎/‎26‎/‎2018 at 3:19 AM, bluedragonwings said:

The doom that is aging out of this bracket draws closer. Ever closer. 

I'll be aging out this bracket too soon for my liking....

[Tallia]

Um, hi *waves* I'm super new here too; I just turned 31 and I'm still figuring myself out, I guess, so it's nice to find other people in the same boat.

 

Also, I'm a Hufflepuff  

[Snao Cone]

Welcome, Tallia! I also joined AVEN when I was 31, and I've discovered a lot about myself since then. I hope you benefit from this community as much as I have.

[CforCatherine]

Hi Tallia, and welcome!  It’s always lovely to have people to bounce ideas off of when you’re trying to figure yourself out, or at least I think it is! 

 

(I have a lot of Hufflepuff friends, it’s an awesome house : ) )

[I'mTheDecoy]

Hi, I'm 33. So do y'all have to leave the thread when you turn 40? 😄

 

Just wanted to post here now so that I'm in, but not quite picked up what topic of conversation is going on right now. I actually don't particularly care about Harry Potter or Doctor Who, but for conformity, I'll say I am probably Ravenclaw coz that's the only one that makes sense, and my fave Doctor is 1 or 11, but that's not really a fair judgement because I've never seen a full run of any of them.

 

Although I've always been ace (duh) it wasn't until my 30s that I accepted this and found my pride.  So hooray for the fourth decade! 

[CforCatherine]

1 hour ago, I'mTheDecoy said:

Although I've always been ace (duh) it wasn't until my 30s that I accepted this and found my pride.  So hooray for the fourth decade! 

Yeah, in retrospect it’s incredibly obvious for me and I’m sitting here going, HOW did it take me until my mid-30s to work this out?!

 

Anyway, I welcome you with the traditional cake of our people : )

[Skycaptain]

@I'mTheDecoy, and everyone else, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂

 

Age bands are more descriptive of the conversation than anything else, most folk post in all age groups 

[I'mTheDecoy]

 

On 7/4/2018 at 12:15 PM, CforCatherine said:

in retrospect it’s incredibly obvious for me and I’m sitting here going, HOW did it take me until my mid-30s to work this out?!

The weird thing for me is that I recall my mum pointed out an article by an asexual woman in the newspaper when I was a teenager - I don't recall whether she was asking if I was that, or if it was because someone else that I knew said he wasn't interested in sex - so I knew that asexuality was a thing, but I ran away from it in horror.  (I think it sounded too clinical, and 'frigid' was the worst thing you could be back then).  I kept telling people that I definitely fancied the opposite sex (my mum also suspected that I was gay since I wasn't bringing home any dates) but I never did fancy them the way my other friends did.  I know now that these were squishes.  Somehow coming out as asexual was something I couldn't face.  It's probably exactly the kind of thing I would have been mocked for as a teen.  Nasty people thought I was boring, because I wasn't like everyone else.  I went all round the houses, trying out each sexuality before I finally admitted the truth to myself.  Even though every action in sexual or romantic situations just reinforces how obviously I was asexual, it wasn't really until I looked it up and saw the word 'ace' that I relaxed and was comfortable with calling myself that.  It's crazy.  I kept thinking 'I've got to get a partner' 'I've got to lose my virginity' when I never wanted to do either of those things.  I feel a little guilty that I may have led a couple of people on along the way, trying to force myself to be interested in what is alien to me.  But I made here in the end and now I have no lingering youthful wish to be who I am not, or do things that I don't want to do.

[CforCatherine]

@I’mTheDecoy I’m a cisgender, heteroromantic woman, it never occurred to me until a friend point blank asked me if I thought I might be ace a couple years ago (I was complaining about how, on discovering a chap I knew and I had a mutual — but very differently defined — fancy*, all he wanted to do was make out and it was unbelievably boring). It took me a lot of time to separate what I wanted for me from what society expected before I was able to dig into asexuality with a clear head. Once I did that I realised how well it suited and the more research I do the more confident I am that I’ve found the right thing. And it explains why I spent my teen and uni years saying ‘I don’t have time for a boyfriend, there’s so much to learn and so many books to read and far more important things to do.’

 

* For me it means I can imagine brunch, books, cuddles and country walks with the dog with the fellow in question, interspersed with good conversation.

[I'mTheDecoy]

17 hours ago, CforCatherine said:

@I’mTheDecoy I’m a cisgender, heteroromantic woman, it never occurred to me until a friend point blank asked me if I thought I might be ace a couple years ago (I was complaining about how, on discovering a chap I knew and I had a mutual — but very differently defined — fancy*, all he wanted to do was make out and it was unbelievably boring). It took me a lot of time to separate what I wanted for me from what society expected before I was able to dig into asexuality with a clear head. Once I did that I realised how well it suited and the more research I do the more confident I am that I’ve found the right thing. And it explains why I spent my teen and uni years saying ‘I don’t have time for a boyfriend, there’s so much to learn and so many books to read and far more important things to do.’

 

* For me it means I can imagine brunch, books, cuddles and country walks with the dog with the fellow in question, interspersed with good conversation.

Your 'fancy' sounds pretty idyllic to me!

 

oh, the tedium of making out. Well, I'm exaggerating, I've only kissed two people but the first time I focused entirely on copying his actions, and super did not enjoy it (why would I want a mouthful of someone else's saliva?) and the other time was just boring. The last date I went on, a few years back now, the guy came a fair distance to visit me and I showed him several episodes of Due South and the movies The Road To El Dorado and The Apartment, to prove they were awesome. He agreed they were. And then I was like, bye then. For some reason shortly afterwards he stopped talking to me...

 

I can see how being cisgender hetereoromantic could make realising you are ace etc more difficult than for another person who conforms less to society's established 'norm' because you're less likely to be informed on alternatives. And because you don't so obviously not fit in, in way you might feel more alone, because you think you are with your people when really you're not. I'm glad you had someone who asked you about it, if it led you on to self discovery. My best friend is cishet and he is still struggling to get his head around the spectrum of different ways you can be ace. He's very black and white about it and keeps saying 'well they can't be ace' just because not everyone who identifies behaves like me. The trouble is that it's so difficult to understand something you physically/mentally have never experienced - so how do you know you are allo or ace, if your only point of reference is what you are and you naturally assume that is how others feel too. I think that's why it can take so long to discover the truth about yourself. For my part, being non-binary was something I was so sure of and confused about (still am) that I never really focused on my sexuality until my late 20s when I began to panic that everyone else in my peer group was settling down.

 

[bluedragonwings]

I just hope I’m young enough to enjoy acceptance and understanding of who/what I am when I get there. 

[CforCatherine]

4 hours ago, I'mTheDecoy said:

Your 'fancy' sounds pretty idyllic to me!

 

oh, the tedium of making out. Well, I'm exaggerating, I've only kissed two people but the first time I focused entirely on copying his actions, and super did not enjoy it (why would I want a mouthful of someone else's saliva?) and the other time was just boring. The last date I went on, a few years back now, the guy came a fair distance to visit me and I showed him several episodes of Due South and the movies The Road To El Dorado and The Apartment, to prove they were awesome. He agreed they were. And then I was like, bye then. For some reason shortly afterwards he stopped talking to me...

 

I can see how being cisgender hetereoromantic could make realising you are ace etc more difficult than for another person who conforms less to society's established 'norm' because you're less likely to be informed on alternatives. And because you don't so obviously not fit in, in way you might feel more alone, because you think you are with your people when really you're not. I'm glad you had someone who asked you about it, if it led you on to self discovery. My best friend is cishet and he is still struggling to get his head around the spectrum of different ways you can be ace. He's very black and white about it and keeps saying 'well they can't be ace' just because not everyone who identifies behaves like me. The trouble is that it's so difficult to understand something you physically/mentally have never experienced - so how do you know you are allo or ace, if your only point of reference is what you are and you naturally assume that is how others feel too. I think that's why it can take so long to discover the truth about yourself. For my part, being non-binary was something I was so sure of and confused about (still am) that I never really focused on my sexuality until my late 20s when I began to panic that everyone else in my peer group was settling down.

 

I like to think so : )

 

Yeah, I’ve also had that date! My ex, ten years ago now, was just as interested in good conversation as I was so, even though I was entirely indifferent to sex once my scientific curiosity had been satisfied, he made an effort to incorporate things I did enjoy so I’d find it at least a little less boring. I haven’t had sex since then, and haven’t remotely missed it (hello another big clue!) and things swiftly fizzled with the small handful of other guys I tried dating because I just didn’t care about the physical stuff. I want an emotional and intellectual connection. 

 

I have a great group of friends and acquaintances now that have introduced me to so much more of the world. My family has always been open-minded but not caring about sex meant I stayed fairly sheltered about the subject growing up, I was never interested enough to study it (when in doubt, go to the library). Listening to my colleagues go on about Love Island is one of the ways I know they’re not my people, we get on and I enjoy their company, but preoccupation with pairing up baffles me. I agree that we don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are, and it can be hard to change that perspective. 

 

In other news I decided that I’m confident enough in being ace (I don’t really have any doubts, my research is just backing up my gut feeling) and told my Mum last night. She was, as I kinda knew she would be, brilliantly understanding and supportive. I know I’m lucky in that, and in a lot of other things with her, but it makes me happy knowing she knows and is happy for me.

[Tyke]

15 minutes ago, CforCatherine said:

In other news I decided that I’m confident enough in being ace (I don’t really have any doubts, my research is just backing up my gut feeling) and told my Mum last night. She was, as I kinda knew she would be, brilliantly understanding and supportive. I know I’m lucky in that, and in a lot of other things with her, but it makes me happy knowing she knows and is happy for me.

Well done. And great news! You sound to have a great relationship with your Mum. 

[I'mTheDecoy]

12 minutes ago, CforCatherine said:

istening to my colleagues go on about Love Island is one of the ways I know they’re not my people, we get on and I enjoy their company, but preoccupation with pairing up baffles me.

OMG Love Island is the bane of my existence right now.  I keep walking into conversations that sound salacious and interesting, only for it to turn out they're talking about THAT show again.  Plus every day someone asks me if I'm watching it yet - it's become a bit of a recurring joke, but NO, I'm not watching it, no I don't want to, no I don't think I will like it actually.  I don't even understand what the concept of the show is.  It sounds like a form of torture.

 

13 minutes ago, CforCatherine said:

n other news I decided that I’m confident enough in being ace (I don’t really have any doubts, my research is just backing up my gut feeling) and told my Mum last night. She was, as I kinda knew she would be, brilliantly understanding and supportive. I know I’m lucky in that, and in a lot of other things with her, but it makes me happy knowing she knows and is happy for me.

That's amazing!  You are lucky to have a supportive mother and I'm happy for you.

 

I haven't officially come out to my mum, but it is on my public facebook profile so it's there if she looks.  She did say a few months ago 'I know what you say about yourself' when talking about love and dating, which I wasn't sure if it was an oblique reference to me being ace or not.  I thought so at the time, but since then she has said something else that makes me think maybe not.  Trouble is, she's ridiculously over emotional and also only sees the world through her way of living, so me never having a partner is the kind of idea that makes her cry, even though I say I am happy that way.

[CforCatherine]

@Midland Tyke Thank you! We have an awesome relationship, single mum, only child, we’ve always had each other’s backs and been really close. We’re friends as well as mother and daughter. I think it’s great!

 

1 hour ago, I'mTheDecoy said:

OMG Love Island is the bane of my existence right now. <snip>  It sounds like a form of torture.

Exactly! At least my colleagues aren’t expecting me to watch and even occasionally apologise for descending into it when it would be awkward for me to extract myself. They don’t stop the conversation, but they acknowledge I’m bored. 

1 hour ago, I'mTheDecoy said:

That's amazing!  You are lucky to have a supportive mother and I'm happy for you.

 

I haven't officially come out to my mum, but it is on my public facebook profile so it's there if she looks.  She did say a few months ago 'I know what you say about yourself' when talking about love and dating, which I wasn't sure if it was an oblique reference to me being ace or not.  I thought so at the time, but since then she has said something else that makes me think maybe not.  Trouble is, she's ridiculously over emotional and also only sees the world through her way of living, so me never having a partner is the kind of idea that makes her cry, even though I say I am happy that way.

Thank you, and I hope your mum comes around. Hopefully seeing you happy and thriving will be the proof she needs to be happy for you. 

[Tyke]

2 hours ago, CforCatherine said:

In other news I decided that I’m confident enough in being ace (I don’t really have any doubts, my research is just backing up my gut feeling) and told my Mum last night. She was, as I kinda knew she would be, brilliantly understanding and supportive. I know I’m lucky in that, and in a lot of other things with her, but it makes me happy knowing she knows and is happy for me.

Amazingly, and very happily, you aren't the only person who has told me that they have told their Mum about their asexuality (and got a good reception) in the last 24 hours!

[CforCatherine]

9 hours ago, Midland Tyke said:

Amazingly, and very happily, you aren't the only person who has told me that they have told their Mum about their asexuality (and got a good reception) in the last 24 hours!

Maybe it’s something in the weather!

 

Although, seriously, I am absolutely done with this living in a slow cooker nonsense we’ve got going on in the UK. I’m turning into a sunburned freckle. I miss rain. 

[I'mTheDecoy]

31 minutes ago, CforCatherine said:

Maybe it’s something in the weather!

 

Although, seriously, I am absolutely done with this living in a slow cooker nonsense we’ve got going on in the UK. I’m turning into a sunburned freckle. I miss rain. 

I keep trying to remind myself that I will miss the heat when it goes. Okay sure, I can't sleep any more and people at work are actually fainting, but come the winter, I will lose circulation in my fingers and my hands will bleed constantly and I'll be furious at past me for wanting a heatwave to end.

[Skycaptain]

They reckon it will get hotter, yet. Ugh 

[SaturnOOO]

On 7/4/2018 at 4:08 PM, I'mTheDecoy said:

Even though every action in sexual or romantic situations just reinforces how obviously I was asexual, it wasn't really until I looked it up and saw the word 'ace' that I relaxed and was comfortable with calling myself that. 

That makes sense to me. Outside aven I'm not hugely fond of calling myself "asexual" either and generally say ace. I agree about it sounding clinical... When was the last time you had a gay friend say "I'm homosexual"? Homosexual is a biological description; gay is a person. So yeah "asexual" in casual conversation makes me feel less like a person and more like a science experiment.

 

17 hours ago, CforCatherine said:

 

In other news I decided that I’m confident enough in being ace (I don’t really have any doubts, my research is just backing up my gut feeling) and told my Mum last night. She was, as I kinda knew she would be, brilliantly understanding and supportive. I know I’m lucky in that, and in a lot of other things with her, but it makes me happy knowing she knows and is happy for me

Same and same! I'm not hugely fond of emotional conversations, so I'm glad it's over. But I'm really happy to be able to be more open about a big part of my life with her now... Even if it's just being able to say "my aven friend thinks this," etc. 

[CforCatherine]

Heat makes me cranky. I like woolly jumpers and my Ravenclaw scarf and thick tights. And I wouldn’t mind the sort of heat we had in May so much, it was cool in the shade and the breeze balanced it out, but the last few weeks are ridiculous. We aren’t a country designed to cope (she says from her air conditioned office, it’s one of the reasons I like my job!).

 

43 minutes ago, SaturnOOO said:

That makes sense to me. Outside aven I'm not hugely fond of calling myself "asexual" either and generally say ace. I agree about it sounding clinical... When was the last time you had a gay friend say "I'm homosexual"? Homosexual is a biological description; gay is a person. So yeah "asexual" in casual conversation makes me feel less like a person and more like a science experiment.

Yes! And I’m also a word nerd, so I like the range of puns available with ace : )

 

45 minutes ago, SaturnOOO said:

Same and same! I'm not hugely fond of emotional conversations, so I'm glad it's over. But I'm really happy to be able to be more open about a big part of my life with her now... Even if it's just being able to say "my aven friend thinks this," etc. 

We have the kind of relationship where we tell each other almost everything, so it’s really hard not telling her stuff. I actually dreamt about telling her three times in the week before doing it, which I think was my subconscious telling me it was time! She knows about my twitter friends so now she’ll have to learn about a new group of online buddies : )

[I'mTheDecoy]

19 hours ago, SaturnOOO said:

When was the last time you had a gay friend say "I'm homosexual"? Homosexual is a biological description; gay is a person. 

I've actually read somewhere, though I admit I can't recall where right now, that the word 'homosexual' while not offensive is sort of frowned upon. As you say, people are gay. When you get technical about it, it starts to sound dehumanising. So it was a bit jarring to find out within the ace community we use all the technical terms in full force, mainly to differentiate romantic attraction from sexual attraction. I don't think these words are used so much in other groups.

[I'mTheDecoy]

18 hours ago, CforCatherine said:

 

Yes! And I’m also a word nerd, so I like the range of puns available with ace : )

I always wanted to be a card sharp, so I'm pretty pleased with being called ace.

 

although when I first put my sexuality was ace on my Facebook profile, my housemate didn't know what it meant, even though he pretty much knew I was asexual, and started posting pictures of the character Ace from 80s Doctor Who. Way to undermine my coming out, friend.

[SaturnOOO]

4 minutes ago, I'mTheDecoy said:

So it was a bit jarring to find out within the ace community we use all the technical terms in full force, mainly to differentiate romantic attraction from sexual attraction. I don't think these words are used so much in other groups.

Never thought about it that way, but yeah. I like having a word that describes me rather than my behaviour or non-behaviour in the bedroom. People don't need to know that!