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For 30-somethings and those around that age


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AceMissBehaving
On 12/27/2019 at 10:22 PM, Zagadka said:

I'm now 9 months away from 40, and I just want it to be over with. 30s are confusing, I'm ready to be old and crotchety.

I turn 40 in 5 months, but I’ve been old and crotchety for years. Don’t let numbers hold you back, you can unleash the grump within at any age!

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AceMissBehaving
1 hour ago, NinoInno said:

@Snao Cone That really helps, thank you. For similar reasons I was wondering if I had anything to do with asexuality at all. I actually can feel sexual “attraction” to people in the sense that they can sometimes turn me on and they will pop up in my fantasies in very sexual ways; but I would never pursue that to something in real life, the thought turns me down too much.
 

It’s hard to sift through various feelings of attraction to figure out what exactly sexual attraction is supposed to feel like compared to other things like aesthetic attraction for eg. In the end the simplest way to go about it is ask yourself. “Do I desire having sex with another person for my own sexual gratification.” Which it sounds here is probably a “no”

 

1 hour ago, NinoInno said:

 

I have never been able to have a normal sex life with any of my previous partners, because I couldn’t enjoy it at all, even if I was sex positive.

 

With my current partner I have, after almost 10 years, been able to get to what can look externally as a normal sex life; but this took much time, and still feels awkward at times. I kind of have to disconnect from the situation in order to get to the end, otherwise it will fail. I generally only find really enjoyable to just please her, and that for psychological reasons.

I feel we may have somewhat similar experiences in this sense. I used to think  because I could that I must just be doing it wrong or something if it wasn’t doing anything for me. In the end I can do it to a point to make a partner happy, but i don’t get that much out of it and feel happier if I’m able to just not.

 

1 hour ago, NinoInno said:

So I am wondering whether this fits demisexuality or asexuality. But, your last sentence was really powerful and made me think about why I am looking for a label at all and why I shouldn’t sweat it too much about the finer details, which I can explain in detail if I feel like that.

 

Could I live without it? If she could, probably. There are so many things that feel better/less awkward that I can think about, that it just doesn’t feel right for me to call myself sexual just because I have found an equilibrium with my current partner.

 

But, there is also the ‘hot stranger’ thing, that doesn’t really resonate with most people here’s experience... there is enough “sex” in my life to make me feel like I’m doing a disservice to the community by just identifying as asexual.

 

I guess it will take more time for me to understand this.

I wouldn’t worry too much about what your life is like now and how it stacks up next to someone else’s. Lots of asexuals are able to find a compromise with their sexual partners. The only thing that matters is how you feel about it for yourself.

 

Ace is a label some use as a kind of catch all. Though like you echoed here, as long as you can find a peace with yourself that satisfies the fact there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you are wired and experience your relationships, then the label isn’t really that important, the peace is 

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On 12/27/2019 at 10:22 PM, Zagadka said:

I'm now 9 months away from 40, and I just want it to be over with. 30s are confusing, I'm ready to be old and crotchety.

Are you yelling for people to get off your grass yet?

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bluedragonwings
On 1/4/2020 at 8:57 AM, Nick2 said:

Are you yelling for people to get off your grass yet?

Wait, were we not supposed to start at 30?

 

So I have my official diagnosis from my psych eval. Neither was a major surprise (Major Depressive Disorder, new that for years), and ASD (that would have been a surprise a year ago but talking with my therapist was a good contender). Now I just have to figure out what I can/will do with that info to try and make my life better, or at least less meh.

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Hi guys recently having a spell of confused. 

 

Had a discussion with my mum where I again discussed that I was asexual with her. She asked me about my Asexuality and I told her what it meant for me saying that although I like the odd kissing or cuddling I have a low sex drive and it makes me uncomfortable.

 

Mum disagreed and said  Asexual don't want sex. You don't want to kiss and cuddle. It doesn't mean what you think it means. You just have a low sex drive. 

 

I can't help but disagree but I get she's worried about me putting labels on myself. I know you can like romance but not want sex as an Asexual. Have I got it wrong? 

 

Because I am so sure I have this right but if I'm wrong I dunno what I'll do. I've always been different and there's no meaning behind it 

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8 minutes ago, AJ 0688 said:

kissing or cuddling

These can be categorised under sensual and/or romantic (e.g. A gray-aromantic person could be demi-sensual amongst other combinations). 

 

10 minutes ago, AJ 0688 said:

Mum disagreed and said  Asexual don't want sex.

As far as I'm aware, this can be categorised into sex positive, sex neutral & sex repulsed. Some aces may compromise in a relationship with an allo or demisexual. 

 

There are other threads on these topics which are searchable. 

 

Asexuality is a spectrum, if you feel you fit, then you fit. No one else can decide for you. Aceflux may be another term you can search & see if it resonates. 

 

Some people find labels comforting. 

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3 hours ago, AJ 0688 said:

Because I am so sure I have this right

Then you probably do. If thinking of yourself as asexual makes things fall into place for you, then there's no reason you shouldn't continue to do so. Imo, the whole point of labels is to help us make meaning out of our experience. You certainly wouldn't be the first or only asexual who doesn't mind the occasional kiss or cuddle.

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I love cuddling, and I don't mind kissing. I like all the romantic aspects of a relationship. I just don't have any desire for things to go further.   

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On 1/11/2020 at 3:43 PM, Eutierria said:

Some people find labels comforting. 

It's not so much the labelling I'm confused about because I know I am definitely on the Asexual spectrum I just don't know where. That's why at the moment I refer to myself as Asexual. I'm coming to realise there is no arguing that fact. I don't want sex and any urges I have are few and far between and mostly mild (usually around my ovulation time before periods, sorry TMI) and I usually take care of that through masturbastion. I like people in an aesthetic way and I am an introvert. Always have been and I'm happy with that! 

 

I don't want kids, don't see the point in marriage but do find weddings quite pretty and I view my pets as my children. I'm 31, if I wanted to have had sex, found a husband and have a baby I'm pretty sure by this age I would be working toward it or have done it by now. 

 

I haven't so it must not be what I want for my life. Now if I could figure out what I do want it'd be amazing! Have you ever felt like you're sat in the middle of a dark nowhere wondering where to go or what to do? Yet at the same time you have this horrible buzzing sound made up of everyone's criticisms and bad thought of you. That's me in my head all the time right now. 

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bluedragonwings
5 hours ago, AJ 0688 said:

Have you ever felt like you're sat in the middle of a dark nowhere wondering where to go or what to do? Yet at the same time you have this horrible buzzing sound made up of everyone's criticisms and bad thought of you. That's me in my head all the time right now. 

Oh yes. Though at the moment the criticisms are echos. 

 

People at my work are pushing me to steer a certain direction in my career. They don’t understand that, while I am relatively good at it and apparently functioning, I’m breaking down and the direction they say will make it worse. It is not just my comfort level. 

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7 minutes ago, bluedragonwings said:

People at my work are pushing me to steer a certain direction in my career. They don’t understand that, while I am relatively good at it and apparently functioning, I’m breaking down and the direction they say will make it worse. It is not just my comfort level. 

lol @ how goddamn relatable this is

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On 10/21/2019 at 3:12 AM, gray-a girl said:

OMG.... why are 30 somethings in the "older asexuals" group? I don't identify as "older"...😐

Same.

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I'm new on this site and I could use someone who's in their 30's as well for a friendly asexual chat.

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@IceQueenn, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

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bluedragonwings

Welcome!

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WELP, I’m 30. Seemed to have survived the transition alright, but I’m deeply skeptical nonetheless. Also, hullo. 

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8 hours ago, Caterjunes said:

WELP, I’m 30. Seemed to have survived the transition alright, but I’m deeply skeptical nonetheless. Also, hullo. 

The transition was the hardest in my experience! Once you settle in your thirties can be really quite comfy. 😏

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honestly, for me turning 30 was one of the best experiences ever. I found the idea of being officially considered old / uncool highly liberating 🤣 Now I'm curious what 40 will be like in a few years ...

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14 minutes ago, weird elf said:

honestly, for me turning 30 was one of the best experiences ever. I found the idea of being officially considered old / uncool highly liberating 🤣 Now I'm curious what 40 will be like in a few years ...

Give me three months; I will help fill you in. 

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bluedragonwings

Yeah, that day is coming soon for me too....

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Hi, I'm 29 so nearly at this age though can't quite believe it!! Where did the time go?

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Hi @Kharina and welcome to the 30s thread! I often wonder where the time went as well. I don't feel like I've done enough with it.

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On 1/18/2020 at 3:09 PM, weird elf said:

honestly, for me turning 30 was one of the best experiences ever. I found the idea of being officially considered old / uncool highly liberating 🤣 Now I'm curious what 40 will be like in a few years ...

I just turned 30, ten and it was a horrible experience, over night everything was harder to do, you wake up feeling hungover without having drank the night before, new aches and pains, less tolerance for stupid people etc 😜

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  • 2 weeks later...

It is probably time for me to post in this thread now, I am 31 after all.

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bluedragonwings

Welcome. to the first old thread @Kimmie.. Soon I will be discarded into the next wasteland thread even more ancient.

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bluedragonwings

As I get older my patience gets shorter and my politics march left. 

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1 hour ago, bluedragonwings said:

As I get older my patience gets shorter and my politics march left. 

Are you at guillotine-the-rich left yet? 

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