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For 30-somethings and those around that age


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@Candy322, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

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bluedragonwings

40 appear it will look like when I turned 30. Just another year of watching people make silly choices. 

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Aside from wanting to continue with career momentum, I pretty much want to be in the same place at 40 as I am now. 

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In one of the shining lyrical lines in the most recent Tool album “Fear Inoculation” 

 

He sings, “But the truth never got in my way. Before now, feel the sting Feeling time bearing down”


I feel like this is about getting old and realizing you aren’t as indestructible as you thought and coming to face that reality is harder than you might be able to imagine until you live it and accept it. 
 

tick tick tick tick..

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On 11/18/2019 at 8:02 PM, Zagadka said:

I'm heading directly into, well, not crisis, but mid life worries. I'm 39. I feel like most of my life is over, and I don't know what I want to do with what I have left. I'm not missing having a family, but I just try to picture where I am in 10 or 20 years, and there's a blank. It is... distressing.

Yeah I know the feeling. I know the desire to have someone in you life but not want someone in your life 

 

-Tre 

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bluedragonwings

Somedays you just have to stay in bed till 2pm and deal with the fallout from work another day.

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On 12/5/2019 at 9:21 PM, bluedragonwings said:

Somedays you just have to stay in bed till 2pm and deal with the fallout from work another day.

My last job was so emotionally toxic, I swear I had mild PTSD. For months, when my new boss called me to his office, I thought it was because I was in trouble for something. 

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Hey peeps I am Ally, I'm 31, pretty sure I'm Asexual/Aromantic. Not sure which one. And am looking for people around my age to get to know/talk too. 

 

Any idea how any of you were first sure or what type of Asexual you were? i. e. Demi, a romantic, gray etc. 

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12 hours ago, AJ 0688 said:

Any idea how any of you were first sure or what type of Asexual you were? i. e. Demi, a romantic, gray etc. 

I thought I was grey at first because I'm not completely out of touch with sexuality, if that makes sense. I have an imagination and sense of empathy that have enabled me to grasp it and project things onto myself, which is why it took me until I was 30ish to even consider it. Talking with a variety of people, especially on AVEN, helped me decide that I'm simply asexual and don't need to give a breakdown or qualifying statement about that. I'm also aromantic, and I've always known to some extent that romantic relationships weren't my thing, but I wasn't aware of terminology for it until researching asexuality.

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3 hours ago, Snaonderneath a Mistlecone said:

I thought I was grey at first because I'm not completely out of touch with sexuality, if that makes sense. I have an imagination and sense of empathy that have enabled me to grasp it and project things onto myself, which is why it took me until I was 30ish to even consider it. Talking with a variety of people, especially on AVEN, helped me decide that I'm simply asexual and don't need to give a breakdown or qualifying statement about that. I'm also aromantic, and I've always known to some extent that romantic relationships weren't my thing, but I wasn't aware of terminology for it until researching asexuality.

Aww so that's what Aromantic means. 😂 I'm getting so confused with different terms and not sure where I fit. I know I'm Asexual and that's about all I know. At first I thought I was demisexual, only feeling sexual attraction when emotionally bonded to someone but I don't think that's me either. I think I am just Asexual. I find sex awkward and confusing, I don't feel sexual attraction to anyone really and the only person I'll hug is my mum 😅😂

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even though I might be like 15 years off your base line here, I still feel like 30ish, don't think I changed much since even before that. don't dread the "big 4-0",  it doesn't really change anything.

even though, I almost envy you, for having figured yourselves out much sooner than naive me, but who knows what it was worth. Do any one of youse have married,  have kids or anything of the sort?

 

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10 hours ago, AJ 0688 said:

Aww so that's what Aromantic means. 😂 I'm getting so confused with different terms and not sure where I fit. I know I'm Asexual and that's about all I know. At first I thought I was demisexual, only feeling sexual attraction when emotionally bonded to someone but I don't think that's me either. I think I am just Asexual. I find sex awkward and confusing, I don't feel sexual attraction to anyone really and the only person I'll hug is my mum 😅😂

I have seen some people identify as demisexual despite having no experience yet, because they're reluctant to use such definitive labels. Maybe they can theoretically see themselves in sexual relationships with the right person...but that doesn't always translate to reality. I didn't identify as asexual until my early 30s because I'm ideologically sex-positive and not sex-repulsed, so I always attributed my lack of motivation to seek out partners to something else. I honestly think some folks identify as grey or demi because they don't know what might come to them in the future, even though their practical reality right now is solidly asexual. There isn't any obligation to categorize yourself in a highly specific way to account for all possibilities. If you "fit" with the ace community and experiences in a general sense (and it sounds like you do) then you don't need to go any further in finding out what categories may apply to you. 

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Hello and welcome 🙂

On 12/11/2019 at 3:34 PM, AJ 0688 said:

Hey peeps I am Ally, I'm 31, pretty sure I'm Asexual/Aromantic. Not sure which one. And am looking for people around my age to get to know/talk too. 

 

Any idea how any of you were first sure or what type of Asexual you were? i. e. Demi, a romantic, gray etc. 

I just found out recently about AVEN and I am still not completely sure myself. Sexuality is not black and white like libido. It can even be all in your head if you are a virgin/celibate/unlucky. Yet the labels that you announce have a big impact on your relationships with others. I learned that the hard way (after pretending that I was allosexual) so now I try to choose them wisely instead of ignoring this part of me.

On 12/12/2019 at 7:04 PM, Snaonderneath a Mistlecone said:

I honestly think some folks identify as grey or demi because they don't know what might come to them in the future, even though their practical reality right now is solidly asexual.

That is actually how I see things. When in doubt I want the positive things in a label (community, understanding) but not the bad things (limitations). I also don't want other people to feel attacked in their identity because I may not be as asexual as them.

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On 12/12/2019 at 6:04 PM, Snaonderneath a Mistlecone said:

I have seen some people identify as demisexual despite having no experience yet, because they're reluctant to use such definitive labels. Maybe they can theoretically see themselves in sexual relationships with the right person...but that doesn't always translate to reality. I didn't identify as asexual until my early 30s 

Yeah I am only coming to terms with this now too. Did you ever feel like you've missed out on other things because you didn't know sooner? Like holding back on dating or not progressing through a relationship because somethings stopping you but you weren't sure what? 

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bluedragonwings

As we are winding down on the last months of my 30s, I realize a lot of self discovery/diagnosis from the last decade would have been better to have found out earlier. Asexuality, Demi-romantic(ish), Major Depression/Anxiety, aphantasia, and ASD (have not seen full writeup yet from my psychologist but we talked about preliminary on Friday). Any of these would have been useful a lot earlier in my life. It also would have been more apparent if people actually talked about their experiences instead of assuming that everyones are all the same. All I knew is that I was "off" "different" "broken" when compared to others, having names/reasons/explanations would have made life a bit more navigable. All I can do though is figure out what to do with that information now that I have it.

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2 hours ago, bluedragonwings said:

It also would have been more apparent if people actually talked about their experiences instead of assuming that everyones are all the same.

Yes, definitely. I think this is something of great value that AVEN provides with both asexual and sexual folks here. The environment makes it safer for sexual people who are not like how sexuality is portrayed in the most commonly available resources (particularly popular entertainment) to talk about their experiences and give people are questioning a more accurate understanding of sexuality for them to compare themselves to.

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Janus the Fox
20 hours ago, bluedragonwings said:

As we are winding down on the last months of my 30s, I realize a lot of self discovery/diagnosis from the last decade would have been better to have found out earlier. Asexuality, Demi-romantic(ish), Major Depression/Anxiety, aphantasia, and ASD (have not seen full writeup yet from my psychologist but we talked about preliminary on Friday). Any of these would have been useful a lot earlier in my life. It also would have been more apparent if people actually talked about their experiences instead of assuming that everyones are all the same. All I knew is that I was "off" "different" "broken" when compared to others, having names/reasons/explanations would have made life a bit more navigable. All I can do though is figure out what to do with that information now that I have it.

Quite the same, though discovered a lot and got a lot of diagnostics done at the end of my 20s.  Asexual, Aromantic, Agender, Manic Depression, anxiety, voices, delusion disorders. Tourettes-Aspergers, Dyslexic/Dyspraxic, Chronic Migraines, other chronic physical ailments... to the start of my 30s being Transex and my first relationship.  I never knew “differently” until there where serious problems getting along with the real world, like getting a job, an education, talking to people, doing things.  The starting point is getting the health back after becoming home bound for most of life.  It would have been useful knowing differently in my teens, but as a psych suggested, I may not of had a handle on anything in my teens and managing it in a mature way has perhaps helped me in a way that I couldn’t during the teen years, or likely that I developed puberty at such a slow rate as an autistic child perhaps shielded me away from the worst of teen experiences.  Here’s to my 40’s in 7-8 years time as a more fuller middle age female adult.

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Hey all! There is a lot going on in this thread! :)

just figured is drop by and say hi. I'm 33 and I have to say Im happier now then when I was in my 20s. Hopefully that trend will continue. 

I hope everyone is having a great day!

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30’s are great. I have six month until I am out of my 30’s. To reflect back on the 10 years it has been wonderful. I understand myself better. I learned to take care of myself. There has been a wealth of learning I have accrued and I wish for that to never stop. Whatever stepping into the 40’s will bring me I am comfortable with it. It is all apart of our journey. 
 

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Last week I realized I'm 40 months away from 40. Looking forward to turning another arbitrary corner symbolizing life progress! (But I guess I have 40 months to go before then...)

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I'm now 9 months away from 40, and I just want it to be over with. 30s are confusing, I'm ready to be old and crotchety.

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On 12/12/2019 at 4:36 AM, Snao Cone said:

it took me until I was 30ish to even consider it. Talking with a variety of people, especially on AVEN, helped me decide that I'm simply asexual and don't need to give a breakdown or qualifying statement about that.

I am in a similar beginning situation, and I think it would help me to read about how you came to that conclusion — if you don’t mind sharing of course.

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1 minute ago, NinoInno said:

I am in a similar beginning situation, and I think it would help me to read about how you came to that conclusion — if you don’t mind sharing of course.

Of course I don't mind! Otherwise I wouldn't have stuck around AVEN for nearly 5 years now. :P 

 

I thought I was sexual for a long time, and then I thought I was in the grey area when I was first contemplating asexuality, because I feel aesthetic attraction, or at least aesthetic appreciation for people. The things that I find aesthetically pleasing are often associated with sex appeal, so I just assumed that was sexual attraction. I went years assuming that my standards were too high and I wasn't attracted to anyone in my league, and that's why I wasn't having a lot of sex. But then I met some people who were mutually attracted to me, and I got into sexual situations with them...and felt nothing. I couldn't get into the moment, even when playing narratives in my head (as I have an active imagination and do a lot of internal storytelling as such). It took a few different situations like that over the course of five or six years before I actually started to recognize what I was feeling as being about asexuality, so I also had to come to terms with how I could be such a self-unaware idiot and not realize I'm asexual. So I thought I must be in the grey area, because I feel some kind of attraction to people and I'm not repulsed by sex and I like the idea of sexuality in terms of storytelling. Through talking to people on AVEN, I realized that sexuality/sexual attraction is about a desire to connect with people in a sexual way, so finding them good looking doesn't mean anything on its own. I also learned that a lot of people didn't really figure this out about themselves until a later age for similar reasons to me, so I don't need an excuse for why I didn't know I was asexual in my 20s - and if I used that as a reason to call myself grey instead of asexual, then I would be making it harder for people in similar situations to find acceptance. The reasons I call myself asexual are to communicate to people that I am intrinsically not oriented towards sexual relationships and that is my normal and healthy state. All of the other things about me that may not jive with an asexual stereotype (like the fact that I'm fine with sexual content in media, can have comfortable conversations about sex and the body, have a lot of curiosity about sexuality in a general sense, etc) don't require a qualifier.

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2 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

Of course I don't mind! Otherwise I wouldn't have stuck around AVEN for nearly 5 years now. :P 

 

I thought I was sexual for a long time, and then I thought I was in the grey area when I was first contemplating asexuality, because I feel aesthetic attraction, or at least aesthetic appreciation for people. The things that I find aesthetically pleasing are often associated with sex appeal, so I just assumed that was sexual attraction. I went years assuming that my standards were too high and I wasn't attracted to anyone in my league, and that's why I wasn't having a lot of sex. But then I met some people who were mutually attracted to me, and I got into sexual situations with them...and felt nothing. I couldn't get into the moment, even when playing narratives in my head (as I have an active imagination and do a lot of internal storytelling as such). It took a few different situations like that over the course of five or six years before I actually started to recognize what I was feeling as being about asexuality, so I also had to come to terms with how I could be such a self-unaware idiot and not realize I'm asexual. So I thought I must be in the grey area, because I feel some kind of attraction to people and I'm not repulsed by sex and I like the idea of sexuality in terms of storytelling. Through talking to people on AVEN, I realized that sexuality/sexual attraction is about a desire to connect with people in a sexual way, so finding them good looking doesn't mean anything on its own. I also learned that a lot of people didn't really figure this out about themselves until a later age for similar reasons to me, so I don't need an excuse for why I didn't know I was asexual in my 20s - and if I used that as a reason to call myself grey instead of asexual, then I would be making it harder for people in similar situations to find acceptance. The reasons I call myself asexual are to communicate to people that I am intrinsically not oriented towards sexual relationships and that is my normal and healthy state. All of the other things about me that may not jive with an asexual stereotype (like the fact that I'm fine with sexual content in media, can have comfortable conversations about sex and the body, have a lot of curiosity about sexuality in a general sense, etc) don't require a qualifier.

What felt good to me about coming to terms with Asexual for me is that there was no confusion. Over the years from my early teens to my adult years I always thought maybe something was wrong with me sexually. So many people in my year would be boasting and talking about sex.

 

I wasn't like that, I was more interested in the latest movie franchise, music and hanging out playing my guitar. Boys were OK if they were friends but otherwise I steered away from them. And now most of those people are grown up married, have kids or are starting families or careers and that ever so familiar pressure comes in and there's this big sense of "I have to get my life together now!" but I don't want that. I don't want the marriage, the kids, the career. I just want to live for what makes me happy and for years and even still now I get a sense that that is not always OK. 

 

But to finally have something I am certain about. Something I can just say "yeah this is right. This is me" is quite uplifting. Also to know I'm not alone in it is amazingly reassuring and I don't have to over analyse it by going to get my mormones checked or checking to see if I have something that affects my sex drive coz I was premature at birth blah blah blah. 

 

 

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This is going to sound abit stupid but I think of my Ace sexuality as like a Harry Potter patronus in the form of a cat. I like affection, being fed and cuddled and having fun playing but touch me when I don't want you too and I'll scratch your face 😅😂 does that sound really bad ( not actually scratch but I won't like it and you'll know) 

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@Snao Cone A lot of what you mentioned make so much sense, especially the part about sexual attraction being a desire to connect with people on a sexual level. Even though I've been a part of this community for 3 years I could never quite describe what it was like to be asexual. That pretty much sums it up for me. I'm attracted to people, but merely on an aesthetic/romantic level. I want no hanky panky. The one major difference is that I'm definitely sex repulsed. There's just no way around it. 

 

Oh, and I've officially ascended into the mid-thirties (I turned 35 on the 29th). The result? I feel no different than I did last year. 

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7 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

The things that I find aesthetically pleasing are often associated with sex appeal, so I just assumed that was sexual attraction.
[...]

Through talking to people on AVEN, I realized that sexuality/sexual attraction is about a desire to connect with people in a sexual way, so finding them good looking doesn't mean anything on its own.

[...]

The reasons I call myself asexual are to communicate to people that I am intrinsically not oriented towards sexual relationships and that is my normal and healthy state.

@Snao Cone That really helps, thank you. For similar reasons I was wondering if I had anything to do with asexuality at all. I actually can feel sexual “attraction” to people in the sense that they can sometimes turn me on and they will pop up in my fantasies in very sexual ways; but I would never pursue that to something in real life, the thought turns me down too much. I have never been able to have a normal sex life with any of my previous partners, because I couldn’t enjoy it at all, even if I was sex positive.

 

With my current partner I have, after almost 10 years, been able to get to what can look externally as a normal sex life; but this took much time, and still feels awkward at times. I kind of have to disconnect from the situation in order to get to the end, otherwise it will fail. I generally only find really enjoyable to just please her, and that for psychological reasons.

 

So I am wondering whether this fits demisexuality or asexuality. But, your last sentence was really powerful and made me think about why I am looking for a label at all and why I shouldn’t sweat it too much about the finer details, which I can explain in detail if I feel like that.

 

Could I live without it? If she could, probably. There are so many things that feel better/less awkward that I can think about, that it just doesn’t feel right for me to call myself sexual just because I have found an equilibrium with my current partner.

 

But, there is also the ‘hot stranger’ thing, that doesn’t really resonate with most people here’s experience... there is enough “sex” in my life to make me feel like I’m doing a disservice to the community by just identifying as asexual.

 

I guess it will take more time for me to understand this.

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