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What orientation is this?


Dendritic Trees

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Dendritic Trees

Before I discovered asexuality I always defined myself as heterosexual and assumed that either I just had a low sex drive or that I would grow into wanting sex.* Then I found AVEN, and the orientation 'asexual' really seemed to fit me well, and I was surprised at how relieved I felt about it. But in terms of romantic attraction I'm totally confused.

I'm pretty sure that I'm asexual, I don't really experience any desire for sex and when I find people attractive, even if I have romantic feelings for them, I don't associate that with a desire for sex. If I have any fantasies they're mostly about non-sexual interaction, or even just about the person doing something or looking a certain way that I especially like, occasionally I've thought about kissing people.

I've kind of been assuming I was heteroromantic by default, because I've had romantic feelings and relationships in the past. I've been in two relationships, both with men (I'm female), one in which I had a lot of romantic attraction, one I didn't really have very strong feelings which resulted in me ending the relationship. In the first relationship one of the first feelings I had was getting really excited about seeing the guy, and feeling very disappointed if he didn't show up to class, and thinking about seeing him, or being with him would give me a kind a a nice warm bubbly feeling just under my diaphragm. Is this what romantic attraction feels like?

Anyway after that first relationship I never really had those feelings, so I thought I might actually be predominantly aromantic. I get the same bubbly feeling when I get crushes on TV or movie characters (I get crushes on the characters I find actors aesthetically attractive), but it isn't accompanied by that same sort of desire for the person's presence. So my first question would be is that a crush, or mis-labelled squish?

The only other time I've had the same bubbly feeling about a person it was a girl who was helping to instruct a dance class I was in recently. I'd really look forward to seeing her, like I did with my first boyfriend, but we never really talked (social dance is not good for conversation) and I know nothing about her except for her first name, she really just was 'the dance instructor girl', except just seeing someone in a very low key interaction, doesn't usually give me that feeling. On face value this feels a lot like the descriptions of the typical romantic movie, sudden attraction etc feeling, but I don't really have anything to compare it to. I also never considered doing anything about those feelings. So this is making me wonder if I'm actually biromantic? I find both men and women aesthetically attractive, but all my crush/squishes have been male, if that makes any difference.

What orientation describes this?

My current state of thought is that I'm either a heteroromantic asexual or a biromantic asexual who is predominantly attracted to men who just has a low romantic drive (is that a real term or did I make it up?), or I could be a predominantly aromantic asexual who either has very occasional romantic attraction, or alternately, is just very confused at what constitutes romantic attraction.

So I have a big sinking feeling that the ultimate answer to the 'which orientation am I' is 'you'll have to work it out, there isn't a blood test', but some guidance, or even just input on what romantic and aesthetic attraction is like for other people would be very very appreciated.

Thanks in advance and apologies for the run on sentences.

*I've read the various posts and FAQs on AVEN about the invalidity of the 'late bloomer' hypothesis, but it had a good deal of applicability to me personally, because I've been a late bloomer in a lot of other areas of my life, not relating to sexuality.

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Sexuality is fluid. It can change over time so I'm assuming that romantic attraction is just as fluid and that can change over time too. You are who you are and you like who you like, and some people don't fit into the neat little categories everyone puts out there known as labels and no one truly fits a label for everything. So basically, I can't tell you what your romantic orientation is, or your sexual orientation is, but it sounds like your orientation is evolving and whatever it may be, it's okay. If you find a label that fits great, if you don't and are okay with that great. I think this might have not been helpful, but I hope it was.

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My input is mainly based around the question- are you a person with a low romantic drive, or an aromantic with occasional incidences of romantic attraction? I am mainly aromantic, relationships are a low priority for me and I've only experienced romantic attraction, at a low level, a few times in my life. I feel the potential there for a relationship, should someone take my interest and keep it long enough. I identify, therefore, as "grey-romantic" (remember grey-a is when someone is in a state between asexual and sexual) and I suppose from someone else's point of view, a label such as that might relieve some frustration about whether or not to use "hetero-" or "bi-" for romantic. Maybe something to think about :)

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The hetero vs bi question is certainly an interesting one. You can deem yourself heteromantic, homoromantic, aromantic, and then all of a sudden some person comes along who ruins your whole classification. :)

I'd say the most important thing is not to get too focused on the labeling. The more important question is what you want from that person of interest and whether or not he/she can reciprocate in a way that works for you both.

In high school I had three best friends, and we thought it was cool how together we had one heterosexual, one homosexual, one bisexual, and one asexual. Since then my homosexual friend has shown an interest in boys as well as girls, and at the time I think we had some difficulty accepting her as bi since we'd already labeled her as gay.

As it's been said, it's important to know that even romantic or sexual interests can change sometimes, and that yes it's absolutely possible to "mostly heteromantic" or "slightly bi, aromantic." The possibilities are pretty much endless! ;)

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