Kaylah Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Hi ...I am a female (sexual) married to a man (asexual)...we've been together for 5 years. I've seen in a lot of these threads a lot of people asking "what do I do?"...I was on the same boat. What Im writing might be of some benefit to those who are asking themselves "what do I do?"..or not...we are all different and we choose to live our lives in different ways. This is just my story... We didnt date long...on the second month of dating we were already looking for a place to live together because we just "clicked"...we got married 7 months later...because of this we really didnt have that much sex before getting married (saving it for after )... I knew that he didnt have a lot of experience but that didnt matter because I just thought once we got married we could have all the experience we wanted... He thought once he got married maybe the way he felt about sex would change... We both were wrong... We tried many many things ...even attending a very expensive tantra course (Which was lovely but that can only work when the other person is actually into sex) I felt unwanted...I felt like maybe I wasnt "the right one"...I felt he was cheating on me...I felt I wasnt attractive enough... I felt like by having sex he was doing me a favor...and thats not the way it should work..it should be something that we both enjoy because it is about sharing a very special moment... The whole thing can be very very draining...so much energy in trying to make something work... Especially we both come from very traditional families where you are supposed to make marriage work...effort effort and no results... We LOVE each other deeply...there is a lot of love, we never fight (not sure if thats the lack of passion or just good communication skills on both sides)... Anyways I really miss that passion, I really miss feeling wanted in that way... We talked about having an open relationship where I could go out and have sex with other guys... Now...the problem with that...is that Im the type of person that can only have sex when there's also feelings involved...its not satisfying a need but its about connecting... I was feeling completely TORN...the stress of the whole situation (especially because we were thinking about starting a family)I got sick...a lot of stress! One one hand I have the most amazing relationship with a guy I adore...on the other hand Im not having my needs met and I miss the passion and having someone to connect in that way... Well...the past 6 months have been really difficult because of this situation...wondering if there was something else we could do, missing the passion, wondering if I should just leave...or stay and maybe it would get better later... LAst week he found this website...he didnt show it to me right away because he said he had trouble accepting that he could fall into this category...he doesnt like categories...but it explains how he has felt his whole life... He just showed it to me yesterday...this explains a LOT! I cried and cried...letting go of SO many things I had within..the frustration...those feelings of thinking maybe it was something wrong with me...all that energy spent trying to make something work when it is as simple as...you dont like it...I do. Just like food...imagine a meat lover marrying a vegetarian...and one forcing the other into their lifestyle...it just doesnt work... So I guess acceptance of what IS...thats the number one step... Ok...so what to do after? Number two...question...Can I spend the rest of my life without passion/sex/romance in my life? Answer...honestly...NO I cant...I miss it too much! I dont see myself living the rest of my life without it... I want to meet someone I can share that with... So where does that leave my partner? Well..basically we have always been happy when we cuddle...and hug...and that is amazing! We CAN still do that... Who says that has to stop...why says we have to stop loving each other? it feels more like a brother-sister love than a husband-wife love...but that doesnt have to stop just because I go out with other ppl...as humans we are capable of loving lots of ppl in different ways... We are separated but we will still live together...its more like a best friends/roomates type of situation...where we can cuddle and hug but if I want romance and passion I will have to start looking outside this equation because...lets be honest "A pear tree cannot bear an apple" it is that simple. And if he finds someone thats not into sex...well good for him...I want him to be happy too... We are open and honest and we communicate... I guess we will still be together...because we enjoy each others company so much...and who knows how long this arrangement will last...but Im quite happy to have a boyfriend on the side...and still live with my best friend... I feel relieved...and my husband does too because he doesnt have to meet any expectations... I know its not easy... but once you make a choice is so much easier...and I guess its easier when there is no drama...we dont have to stop enjoying each other's company...just cuz one likes one thing and the other doesnt... Wishing you the best outcomes in the decisions you make! :) Link to post Share on other sites
longhaul Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 It's great that you've been able to talk about this openly and agree a way forward that works for both of you - fantastic! Best of luck with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Kaylah Posted March 18, 2011 Author Share Posted March 18, 2011 It's great that you've been able to talk about this openly and agree a way forward that works for both of you - fantastic! Best of luck with it. Thank you Longhaul! Easier said than done...because if we spend our weekends together then..when am I going to meet another person? my husband encouraged me to enter a dating site...such a disappointment when asked "What characteristics are you looking for?" I thought of my husband! (with the obvious addition of sexual desire) So that didnt work cuz basically I would like to spend my time with someone like him...so why would I go out and meet other ppl? I have to remind myself "Oh right...the romance..passion..sex...etc" Which is important for me..otherwise I would not be writing about it... In theory it works...in practice...Im still trying to figure out how everything will work out...? Anyways lets see what happens...thanks for the good wishes! :) Link to post Share on other sites
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