Can you "fix" a lack of sex drive?

[funkgirl386]

Hi everyone!

I'm in the process of figuring out if I'm asexual and would need help in doing so. I do understand that I'm the only one who can determine my sexual orientation, but I think comparing experiences and getting advice on my situation would help. Sorry for starting yet another new thread like this... I did read through a good part of the old threads, but couldn't seem to find anything that specifically answered my questions, so here goes.

So I read Schmat's presentation post and that pretty much applies to me too. Same age, same story, right down to the "getting turned on once while watching a porn movie" experience. I don’t have a sex drive, and consequently don’t get sexually attracted to anyone... at least I don’t think so.

However, I do get turned on “mentally”, if that makes sense. For example (warning, this may be a TMI) :

Just yesterday I was sitting in class and I saw a random hot guy licking his fingers, and I got this indescribable, uncontrollable feeling... I had no idea where it had come from and I couldn’t stop myself from feeling what I felt (and from staring at the guy, which was a bit of a problem! :)). I kind of relate it in that sense to what the sexual posters described as “being turned on” in the sexual Q&A. However, it wasn’t an uncontrollable body reaction, because on that front I felt nothing as usual, but more of an uncontrollable mental reaction... which is what leads me to say I get mentally turned on.

Has this ever happened to anyone? Is this common for asexuals? This kind of experience (and it happens a lot) just makes me wonder if something’s wrong with me physically. How do I know that, if I did have a sex drive, I wouldn’t be sexually attracted to other people? Or does the fact that I don’t have a sex drive at all already make me asexual? Sometimes I think I do get turned on, but that it doesn’t translate into a physical reaction. Is it something asexuals feel, or is it something abnormal that can be fixed?

If I realize I’m asexual I’ll face it and eventually accept it, but I just want to make sure I’m not missing anything. Once again sorry for starting a new thread, I didn’t want to hijack Schmat’s thread since this is only partly related to the posts over there. Also, sorry for my English, it is not my native language; I hope my message was still understandable!

Thanks everyone for the help and have a good night!

[BlackRose]

I kind of relate it in that sense to what the sexual posters described as “being turned on” in the sexual Q&A. However, it wasn’t an uncontrollable body reaction, because on that front I felt nothing as usual, but more of an uncontrollable mental reaction... which is what leads me to say I get mentally turned on.

Has this ever happened to anyone? Is this common for asexuals? This kind of experience (and it happens a lot) just makes me wonder if something’s wrong with me physically.

Yes, it happens to me all the time, but I'm sexual. It's very common for sexuals to be mentally turned on without the body immediately following.

How do I know that, if I did have a sex drive, I wouldn’t be sexually attracted to other people? Or does the fact that I don’t have a sex drive at all already make me asexual? Sometimes I think I do get turned on, but that it doesn’t translate into a physical reaction. Is it something asexuals feel, or is it something abnormal that can be fixed?

Sounds like you are already sexually attracted to other people, at least a little. You may just have a low sex drive.

I wouldn't worry too much about classifying yourself. Sex drive does vary a lot throughout a person's life. There are medications that increase it and decrease it; for instance, most anti-depressants decrease it, but the antidepressant Wellbutrin increases it. Testosterone supplements are sometimes used to increase sex drive but hormones have risks and side-effects to them. Birth control can decrease sex drive.

For a more mental-based approach, you can actually increase your sex drive just by making a conscious effort to think about sex more and to masturbate more, and explore your body. It may take time to get the physical reaction as well as the mental.

Also, sorry for my English, it is not my native language; I hope my message was still understandable!

I never would have guessed! Your English is very good.

[NotAllHere]

I don’t have a sex drive, and consequently don’t get sexually attracted to anyone

Please note that sex DRIVE and sexual ATTRACTION are different things and not mutually exclusive. They do not have to co-exist, and they don't always do so. Plenty of asexuals have a sex DRIVE, it's the lack of sexual ATTRACTION that makes one asexual. Non-existent sex drive doesn't, because you can still find people sexually attractive. Completely different things. For instance, I have a fairly normal -I believe- sex drive, but it's just not directed at anyone or anything.

[Guest]

The story about the hot guy sounds like sexual attraction to me. There are a few threads floating around AVEN where sexuals try to explain what sexual attraction feels like. Some of them say that sexual attraction doesn't always include a physical response, but can be more of an emotion or mental attraction, while still being sexual attraction. Probably not explaining that well, you should track down those threads and read their better explanations.

To compare, aesthetic attraction (which many asexuals feel) is more of a "that person is so pretty, I want to look like that/draw that/simply admire that person" which doesn't sound like what you described.

Edit: Found a couple of those threads. Link and Link

[bromance]

I have a gay friend who used to be in a similar situation. He was "mentally" sexually attracted to men, but had an extremely low libido (and because of this, he briefly identified as a homoromantic asexual). Then his doctor prescribed him some pills and while he did not exactly turn into a sex god, he now knows that he sure as heck isn't an ace.

Personally, I have never experienced sexual attraction, so I don't know how it feels like. I do know I have a sex drive though. I'm not saying that you aren't ace or whatnot. Only you can decide for yourself which label fits you better.

[funkgirl386]

Thanks everyone for the answers, this is very helpful and much appreciated!

I didn't realize a strictly mental attraction was common for sexual people. I do understand the concept of sex drive, and I see how you could have one without feeling sexual attraction. However, I'm confused as to what the notion of sexual attraction is supposed to mean. Does it require a physical reaction? I've always thought so, but I see I might be wrong here. I think because the concept isn't clear for me, I have trouble seeing how one could be sexually attracted to someone without having a sex drive... The way I understand it, how could you get turned on by another person when you can't get turned on at all? If someone could clarify that for me, I'd be very grateful.

I've spent so much time lately trying to figure out what I feel and what I am that I just got even more confused regarding what's supposed to be "normal" for both sexual and asexual people... From you guys' answers I'd be sexual with a low sex drive, but the thing that I don't understand is that while the idea of sex doesn't disgust me at all, I don't particularly want to have it either and would probably be fine never trying it, which is why I thought I was asexual in the first place. When I read the FAQ I thought that most questions applied to me, but is it possible to have that and still be sexual?

On the medical front, I am on birth control because of a hormonal disorder, but it's somewhat recent, and even before then I don't remember feeling any different compared to now. Other than that I really can't think of anything that could have affected my sex drive, and since I've never really had one I'm not sure that the problem could even be related to some medical condition. Should I talk to my doctor about it, or would it make me look like a fool?

Once again thank you so much for the help, it means a lot!

[Guest]

I find the concept of sexual attraction confusing myself. The only thing I can say is read the threads about defining sexual attraction and see if any of it clicks with what you experience.

There are also people who are demisexual or gray-asexual. Demisexual=sexual attraction only after forming a romantic relationship, and gray-asexual=rarely, maybe under certain conditions, experience sexual attraction. That's a summarized definition by the way. All these labels get confusing so I try not to throw too many at new people.

You can talk to your doctor about it, low sex drive is a common complaint from women so they hear it often enough. They will probably treat it as a disorder and test your hormones or offer you pills. Like bromance's friend, it may affect people who are sexual, but most self-identified asexuals who report trying treatment had little or no change.

I imagine it's possible to be sexually attracted but have a sex drive so low you feel no need to act on it. Pretty much any combination of sexual attraction/romantic attraction/sex drive is possible. We've had heteroromantic homosexual people here, and vice versa.

Whether or not you fit the "official" definition of asexuality, if you like the forum and feel it helps you, stick around and talk. Even if you are sexual with a low sex drive, you probably have a lot of the same issues and experiences asexuals do.

[BlackRose]

I didn't realize a strictly mental attraction was common for sexual people. I do understand the concept of sex drive, and I see how you could have one without feeling sexual attraction. However, I'm confused as to what the notion of sexual attraction is supposed to mean. Does it require a physical reaction? I've always thought so, but I see I might be wrong here. I think because the concept isn't clear for me, I have trouble seeing how one could be sexually attracted to someone without having a sex drive... The way I understand it, how could you get turned on by another person when you can't get turned on at all?

It may help to distinguish between attraction and arousal. Arousal is feeling physically turned on. Blood flows to the genitals and they tingle and become larger and puffy. Attraction isn't necessarily being turned on, though they often go together. For me, attraction is when I see a beautiful face, and I feel it mentally and sometimes butterflies in my stomach. It's sort of like the thought "Oh wow that girl is sooo good looking and beautiful. She's just perfect." I can't really distinguish attraction from appreciating female beauty, but some people can, and I can appreciate male beauty even though I'm not attracted to males.

Arousal is more a response to thinking about sex, seeing genitals, or seeing a waist and hips, and I feel it more in my genitals.

If someone could clarify that for me, I'd be very grateful.

I just got even more confused regarding what's supposed to be "normal" for both sexual and asexual people... From you guys' answers I'd be sexual with a low sex drive, but the thing that I don't understand is that while the idea of sex doesn't disgust me at all, I don't particularly want to have it either and would probably be fine never trying it, which is why I thought I was asexual in the first place. When I read the FAQ I thought that most questions applied to me, but is it possible to have that and still be sexual?

Yeah, it sounds like you're demisexual/grey-A. Definitely look at the threads and information on those orientations on AVEN.

On the medical front, I am on birth control because of a hormonal disorder, but it's somewhat recent, and even before then I don't remember feeling any different compared to now. Other than that I really can't think of anything that could have affected my sex drive, and since I've never really had one I'm not sure that the problem could even be related to some medical condition. Should I talk to my doctor about it, or would it make me look like a fool?

It would not make you look like a fool, though a lot of doctors unfortunately don't know much about female sexuality or asexuality and will not be very helpful. A lot of women report that doctors don't seem to care about their low sex drive, especially older more conservative doctors. I'd definitely talk to a few different doctors if you're interested.

Your hormonal disorder might be related to all this, because hormones can influence attraction and sex drive. If you don't mind talking about it here, what kind of disorder? Do you know if low sex drive is sometimes a symptom? It may be worth trying to find a specialist or a support group for that specific disorder.

[funkgirl386]

Hi! Sorry it took me so long to reply, I've pretty busy with school and midterms in the past few weeks, but now it's all over! :)

Killjoy, thanks for the links, I hadn't noticed you edited those in. I do think the concept of gray-A fits me quite well... I guess I'm still wondering what I would feel if I did have a sex drive, and that's what's keeping me from identifying as asexual/gray-a/whatever else. I don't know if it's because I'm in denial, but I think that if I had the capacity to feel anything physically, I would get turned on.. However it's not really possible to know that kind of thing I guess, or is it? Besides, based on "mental turn on", I think I might be heterosexual but biromantic, so I definitely know what you're referring to!

Blackrose, I followed your advice about focusing on sex (actually, I feel like that's all I think about these days!) and I do feel like I get it better now, which, obviously, makes me even more confused. At first I made a conscious effort to think about it in various situations and I watched a mandatory amount of porn to see if it triggered anything, and I definitely think I understand what it's about better, whereas before I just watched it and didn't feel anything. Now I recognize better the feeling I get when I'm mentally turned on and am able to appreciate it, but physically I still don't have any reaction whatsoever. I don't hate sex, and actually see it in a positive light, however it's not an instinctive thing for me. It feels like it's a learned behavior that I have to develop, whereas (from what I understand anyway) "normal" people will just watch porn and get aroused even if they've never had sex.

As for my hormonal disorder, I have polycystic ovary syndrom. Its main characteristic is an excess of testoterone, which should actually increase my sex drive, which, uh, didn't work so well! My case is very mild though, so I don't know how much of an effect it would have... Like I only have one of the symptoms and managed to avoid the obesity, the acne, the excess pilosity and the oligomenorrhea that usually come with the condition, thank goodness. Other than that I'm perfectly healthy, both physically and mentally, which is why I don't get what could have "caused" me to be different.

I guess it's just come as a shock that I might not be "normal". From the threads I've read, a lot of people who find AVEN felt different before and are finally able to put a name on what they feel.. The thing is, I've never felt like anything was wrong with me, so all of this is pretty unsettling. I've had a happy childhood and have never felt rejected, and before I randomly stumbled upon this website I lived a normal, great life. My friends don't talk about sex that much either, so before reading threads in the sexual part of the forum, I had never suspected people thought of sex that much, and that's what made me realize I wasn't like everybody else.. I just hope I'll be able to figure what I am exactly.

Okay, depression over now. Thanks for all the help and once again sorry I didn't reply earlier! Have a good night!

[ooze]

Seems like you've got it figured out more or less... but I'll post 'cause I relate to what you said here:

However, I do get turned on “mentally”, if that makes sense. For example (warning, this may be a TMI) :

Just yesterday I was sitting in class and I saw a random hot guy licking his fingers, and I got this indescribable, uncontrollable feeling... I had no idea where it had come from and I couldn’t stop myself from feeling what I felt (and from staring at the guy, which was a bit of a problem! :)). I kind of relate it in that sense to what the sexual posters described as “being turned on” in the sexual Q&A. However, it wasn’t an uncontrollable body reaction, because on that front I felt nothing as usual, but more of an uncontrollable mental reaction... which is what leads me to say I get mentally turned on.

I identify as grey-a without a sex drive, specifically because I have experienced this on occasion. I didn't actually want to have sex with them, and I had no physical reaction, but the mental part was there. As for "fixing" the lack of physical reaction... only if you have a problem with it, should you seek medical help. Personally, I couldn't care less about it. If you don't have a problem, it shouldn't matter what others or the medical community think :)

[funkgirl386]

Thanks for your answer! Your experience does seem very similar to mine, and I'm very admirative of your accepting it so well! Maybe it's because all of this stuff is new to me, but it does bother me not to get the normal body reaction sexuals have. I guess gray-A is the term that fits me best, if only because I don't feel like the concept of asexuality completely applies to how I feel. However, the definition of gray-A is so broad that it's hard to identify to it!

I haven't gotten it figured out yet though, I keep switching back and forth... A few days ago I was ready to call myself asexual, but now I'm leaning towards gray-A again. I guess only time and deep thinking can help with that, I just hope the answers to my questions will get clearer sooner than later!

Once again, thanks for sharing your experience, it was really helpful!

[Philip027]

I guess it's just come as a shock that I might not be "normal". From the threads I've read, a lot of people who find AVEN felt different before and are finally able to put a name on what they feel.. The thing is, I've never felt like anything was wrong with me, so all of this is pretty unsettling.

Just about everyone on the whole damn planet is abnormal in their own ways, whether or not they'll admit to it. Doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong with them.

Just to throw in a personal example: I dislike pizza. I never thought it was a big deal that I dislike pizza. However, if I try to tell other people that I dislike pizza, they usually look at me like I'm from another planet. I am considered abnormal for this reason (not that it's the only reason; there's obviously loads more)

[ooze]

Thanks for your answer! Your experience does seem very similar to mine, and I'm very admirative of your accepting it so well! Maybe it's because all of this stuff is new to me, but it does bother me not to get the normal body reaction sexuals have. I guess gray-A is the term that fits me best, if only because I don't feel like the concept of asexuality completely applies to how I feel. However, the definition of gray-A is so broad that it's hard to identify to it!

I haven't gotten it figured out yet though, I keep switching back and forth... A few days ago I was ready to call myself asexual, but now I'm leaning towards gray-A again. I guess only time and deep thinking can help with that, I just hope the answers to my questions will get clearer sooner than later!

Once again, thanks for sharing your experience, it was really helpful!

I would imagine that if you experience sexual attraction often enough (I'm not saying you do or don't), the lack of body reaction would be more bothersome. Maybe it doesn't bother me only because I don't experience very much attraction and don't want to act on it. I think this type of thing will vary a lot.

Yeah, grey-a is an umbrella term, so I guess you can kind of invent your own definition, haha. And of course, you don't necessarily need a label either!

I'm glad I helped (I am usually not very helpful lol) :)