Is it wierd to be asexual and like no specific gender?

[Purplesky]

I'm a 18 year old woman and I've been asexual pretty much since I hit puberty (around 4th grade). I knew I wasn't interesting in it like the others were and wondered what was up with me. I prefered to take appart things, play with race cars and etc... later in highschool(8th grade) I was still tomboyish, not really into the girly, frilly clothes, make up and trends like everyone else. I prefred to read and write. I was a social outcast that whole year. During my 8th grade year it struck me...One day...I would 'fall in love' and people at this age had 'crushes'.

I found a guy who was funny and decently attractive and set him (for the next 5 years of my life) as my 'crush'. I did NOT see him as attractive in anyway. But when I looked at girls I found them attractive too...thus began my journey. Though I did wonder if I was actually a 'guy' in a womans body for some time but I pushed that off and deemed myself as a woman. Cause I couldn't imagine being anything else. (Not that theres wrong with Some time in...11th grade? Well before that my friends were very pro-gay and I was kinda "eh..." about it cause I always knew it as 'wrong'. For reasons I didn't know or question. But I began to watch.

My friends were into it. The fanfictions, anime and the like. I got curious cause well...I figure maybe...I could figure this all out. As I got closer I accepted it right away. But I was still cautious cause I was still confused as to why I didn't have these 'sexual' feeling for ANYONE.

12th grade came around and I announced myself as bisexual and ended up dating one of my best girl - friends. We became girlfriends and it didn't last long. She wasn't attracted to me and announced herself as pansexual and I came out later as lesbian. Though being lesbian...I knew that also meant I was alright with sex...and I wasn't. Months later, I tried to figure out what gender I actually like. I found this site and found out I was asexual. Thats the beginning of my 'sexuality lable' or whatever you would call it (dont get offended by that word, I dont have good wording skills)

I couldn't be an asexual lesbian because I didn't like just girls...or do I?

I couldn't be an asexual bisexual because I did't feel as strongly towards guys as much as I did to girls

I wasn't a straight asexual because the same reason as the bisexual.

So....does this mean I don't like either gender? I dont want to be alone. I want a relationship. But...I'm just confused on which gender actually makes me happiest.

So....can you be asexual and like no gender at all? None of them really appease to me at all. And why don't they? I know I am ' still young' but I'm going to college soon and I'm confused at what I am actually looking for.

And if I really do not like any gender enough at all...how do I make sure I wont be alone for the rest of my life? I don't want just to live with a friend in a appartment...I would like a lover...but I don't seem to like...anyone...does that make ANY sense at all?!

[baochan]

That's my experience in a nutshell. Really I've always been confused by people who identify as straight or gay. How could you be attracted exclusively to one gender over another?

I'm pretty new here, but I think that's the very definition of asexuality, not being attracted to either gender. And though people have said that doesn't mean you'll be alone, it certainly makes finding a relationship harder. I'm curious to see what advice people have on that front.

[Purplesky]

That's my experience in a nutshell. Really I've always been confused by people who identify as straight or gay. How could you be attracted exclusively to one gender over another?

I'm pretty new here, but I think that's the very definition of asexuality, not being attracted to either gender. And though people have said that doesn't mean you'll be alone, it certainly makes finding a relationship harder. I'm curious to see what advice people have on that front.

True true...but...you can be asexual but still like a certain gender. I know a few who do. It just seems wierd though cause...I want to like someone but theres no one I am attracted to. I'm actually just figuring everthing out right now...I though I was weird cause I didn't like anything to do with sex. I'm just trying to grasp it right now, and its kinda frustrating cause I don't really understand.

[Pandoren]

I find that I have a romantic bias towards women, but not enough to really act on it and only rarely experience it at all. Maybe something like grey-romantic would be of interest to you- you seem to experience attraction, but not enough to feel comfortable with fully biromantic?

[baochan]

True true...but...you can be asexual but still like a certain gender. I know a few who do.

Yeah, I guess that's true. There's a big range of asexuals here. But in any case I can tell you you're not alone. ^_^

[Bero]

I think the biggest advice to give is don't worry about rushing to label yourself, though it does seem that you've been working on trying to define yourself for several years. If you do want a label to work as a springboard or base line to work from for the moment so you can gather your thoughts, there are some you might consider:

Homoromantic asexual=romantically attracted to girls

Bi or panromantic asexual=romantically attracted to guys & girls or everybody

But those are places to start. You could be homoromantic with occasional heteroromantic tendancies. You could be biromantic with homoromantic tendancies. I'm aromantic and wouldn't know this for myself, but I've heard that some biromantic people may have a general gender preference, but still find themselves attracted to people of both genders. The label can be as long as you need it to be, and you don't always need to adhere to it.

You may also be demiromantic or gray-romantic, if you feel fuctionally aromantic, but occasionally are romantically attracted to people (and when that happens, gender may not be as much of a factor). Some aromantic people here also experience what we call a "squish"--very much like a crush, but not romantic... just generally wanting to get close to someone/interacting with them. Some also would like a non-romantic life partner of sorts, and some may be perfectly happy with just having friends or family--so they aren't alone. Some aromantics may even be in romantic relationships. (Much of that can apply to romantics, also, I believe... just to reinforce that labels are umbrella terms, not strict rules.)

You have lots of time to figure yourself out, though. I hope AVEN can help with that.

[Purplesky]

You may also be demiromantic or gray-romantic, if you feel fuctionally aromantic, but occasionally are romantically attracted to people (and when that happens, gender may not be as much of a factor). Some aromantic people here also experience what we call a "squish"--very much like a crush, but not romantic... just generally wanting to get close to someone/interacting with them. Some also would like a non-romantic life partner of sorts, and some may be perfectly happy with just having friends or family--so they aren't alone. Some aromantics may even be in romantic relationships. (Much of that can apply to romantics, also, I believe... just to reinforce that labels are umbrella terms, not strict rules.)

You have lots of time to figure yourself out, though. I hope AVEN can help with that.

I'm sorry...but I'm new to all this...what exactly is 'demiromantic' and 'gray-romantic'?

[Purplesky]

I find that I have a romantic bias towards women, but not enough to really act on it and only rarely experience it at all. Maybe something like grey-romantic would be of interest to you- you seem to experience attraction, but not enough to feel comfortable with fully biromantic?

... feel kinda stupid but I don't know exactly what 'biromatic' and 'grey-romantic' is.

[Ninngik]

I say go with whatever feels right; if there's a girl you really like then go for it, same with a guy or whatever. I don't think you need to stick with a predefined label. But if you want a label to easily identify yourself or for whatever purposes, have you read about aromanticism? It's the view of not feeling particularly attracted to anyone in that way.

I do want to say one last thing: I feel like I'm similar to you - that is, I'm a guy that can feel like he likes different genders, but seems to prefer girls :P - and I honestly prefer the Kinsey scale type of labeling, in which there's a definite yes-I-like-whatever on one end, and yeah-I-like-the-other on the opposite, with a scale in between. This basically means you can like both but skew to one side or the other, the label moves to fit who you are, and not the opposite :lol:

Anyway, this is getting kind of ranty, hope you find what you're looking for!

[Pandoren]

I use the terms in the same way as demisexual or grey-a:

Demisexual = only experiencing sexual attraction to someone after gaining an emotional connection.

Demiromantic = only experiencing romantic attraction to someone after gaining an emotional connection (some people might say "isn't that the way it usually works?" but I don't think so- some people can look at others and see them as the kind of person they could see themselves in a relationship with, and in any case, if this isn't a common event (say, rare enough to alienate you) then it might be a valid label to describe someone)

Grey-asexual = someone who falls into an area between asexual (no attraction) and sexual (full attraction experienced by the mainstream) through only experiencing sexual attraction rarely, experiencing attraction but not enough to act on it, not placing a high priority on sexual matters etc

Grey-romantic = ditto, but with romantic- between aromantic (no romantic attraction or interest in relationships) to romantic (full interest in relationships) through only experiencing romantic attraction rarely, or on a low level, etc

[Guest]

I don't see why being asexual and not attracted to a particular gender would be any "weirder" than being sexual and attracted to no particular gender.

I'm panromantic, and as such am not solely attracted to men or women. My experience has been that gender doesn't play a role in dictating to whom I'm attracted. So, I would call that "being asexual and liking no specific gender."

I want to like someone but theres no one I am attracted to. I'm actually just figuring everthing out right now...I though I was weird cause I didn't like anything to do with sex. I'm just trying to grasp it right now, and its kinda frustrating cause I don't really understand.

Maybe you just haven't met anyone yet to whom you're attracted.

As to being confused, I totally understand. Before I realized I was asexual, I answered the question of, "Could I be a lesbian?" with "No, I don't want to have sex with girls." Then I realized I didn't want to have sex with guys, either, and that's not what I felt when I was attracted to them. It's an unfortunate result of the way sociocultural norms dictate that attraction is based on sex.

[Purplesky]

I'm panromantic, and as such am not solely attracted to men or women. My experience has been that gender doesn't play a role in dictating to whom I'm attracted. So, I would call that "being asexual and liking no specific gender."

Maybe you just haven't met anyone yet to whom you're attracted.

As to being confused, I totally understand. Before I realized I was asexual, I answered the question of, "Could I be a lesbian?" with "No, I don't want to have sex with girls." Then I realized I didn't want to have sex with guys, either, and that's not what I felt when I was attracted to them. It's an unfortunate result of the way sociocultural norms dictate that attraction is based on sex.

Hum...that definatly gives me someting to think about. So if I dont like any specific gender...would I be panromantic also? Actually...I don't like any gender. I'm attracted at how pretty/handsom they are (non sexualy, duh) and definatly their personality but I like girls more...would that go with panromantic? I'm sorry for the questions but I'm just trying to get this all figured out.

If someone asked me what mhy sexualty as I'd just laugh and say complicated xD

[Siggy]

I couldn't be an asexual lesbian because I didn't like just girls...or do I?

I couldn't be an asexual bisexual because I did't feel as strongly towards guys as much as I did to girls

I wasn't a straight asexual because the same reason as the bisexual.

Are you familiar with the Kinsey Scale? The Kinsey Scale places everyone (except asexuals) on a scale from 0 to 6, from straight to bi to gay/lesbian. The point of the scale is that there aren't just three boxes, gay, bi, and straight. There's a range between them. Not all bisexuals are equally attracted to men and women. Not all straight people are never attracted people of the same gender.

And then there's romantic orientation, which describes who you're romantically attracted to (but not necessarily sexually). There are a lot of terms (heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, aromantic, demiromantic, gray-romantic), but it helps to realize that all these ideas were "borrowed" from sexual orientation.

The only ones that are not obvious are demiromantic and gray-romantic, which are the romantic analogues of demisexual and gray-A respectively. If you can explain what demiromantic and gray-romantic mean exactly, we would appreciate that, because no one is really sure.

[PiF]

or..you could listen to yourself instead of other people and find a point that your happy with and stop beating yourself up on that path to discovery?

[Purplesky]

or..you could listen to yourself instead of other people and find a point that your happy with and stop beating yourself up on that path to discovery?

But I've been trying to figure everything out myself for years! I need a little help or advice. Everyone does once and a while. Did I didn't think I needed it I wouldn't have asked :)

[Purplesky]

Are you familiar with the Kinsey Scale? The Kinsey Scale places everyone (except asexuals) on a scale from 0 to 6, from straight to bi to gay/lesbian. The point of the scale is that there aren't just three boxes, gay, bi, and straight. There's a range between them. Not all bisexuals are equally attracted to men and women. Not all straight people are never attracted people of the same gender.

And then there's romantic orientation, which describes who you're romantically attracted to (but not necessarily sexually). There are a lot of terms (heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, aromantic, demiromantic, gray-romantic), but it helps to realize that all these ideas were "borrowed" from sexual orientation.

The only ones that are not obvious are demiromantic and gray-romantic, which are the romantic analogues of demisexual and gray-A respectively. If you can explain what demiromantic and gray-romantic mean exactly, we would appreciate that, because no one is really sure.

Hum, thats all very intersting. The "Gray-A" seems to define me a whole lot more than a lot of these...

I do not know exactly either, I'm just learning everything myself.

[t. mourning]

I'm completely with you on that. I feel like I admire the looks of people more than actually being attracted to them sometimes.

and I also worry about being alone. I actually deep down hope that my lack of sexual interst is more of a phobia of intimacy from years and years of being alone as a child. Because then I could go through therapy and be "normal", you know? which is kind of terrible...I mean I don't at all doubt that asexuality is a legitimate thing, I just sometimes wonder about myself since everything in life gives me anxiety as is...

And yeah, I really, really, really worry about being alone forever. I've had numerous guys leave me because I was too "frigid". And I'm not happy being alone either...but the thought of any sort of genitals is absolutely disgusting. It took a lot to even write that word. Blech. And all the people I meet seem to want is sex, which I can not even comprehend.

Anyway, you're not alone. I've also called myself bi and lesbian at some point, and also went through the "was I supposed to be a guy?" thing. I really still don't know, but because I have a long history of depression I am seeing a therapist, and hopefully that'll help with finding myself as well.

So talking to a counselor never hurts.

[PiF]

or..you could listen to yourself instead of other people and find a point that your happy with and stop beating yourself up on that path to discovery?

But I've been trying to figure everything out myself for years! I need a little help or advice. Everyone does once and a while. Did I didn't think I needed it I wouldn't have asked :)

could you define years for me? particulary in proportion to your age

[UraNepu]

Welcome to Aven :)

First off, have some :cake: and think things over, chill and read all definitions given in this site (or wikipedia) many of us were equally confused when we found out about asexuality. What ifs won't be answered in a day, it takes much time and brain storming with yourself to figure everything out.

you need to remember though that there is nothing wrong with your sexuality no matter what that is :)

[KestrelWings]

Well, if you are attracted to neither gender, you would be asexual aromantic, however it sounds like you do want a romantic relationship.

It seems to me that since you would be interested in a romantic relationship with either gender (although you like girls more) if you want to inform others of this, biromantic would simplest to explain. If you feel you are more of a 'lesbian asexual' however, definitely go for it. It sounds to me as if you are hovering between lesbian and bi, and you can choose whichever feels more like you. You don't need a label, but if choosing one makes you feel more comfortable with who you are... Go for it. ;)

[OtherWise]

For a long time (about five years, since I was fourteen) I thought I was bisexual because I didn't prefer one gender to another. But it still never felt quite right, because I didn't seem to experience what other girls my age experienced when faced with somebody they fancied. I sometimes pretended to fancy people, but I was awkwardly aware that it was an act based on my admiration for certain people combined with non-sexual aesthetic appreciation. It took me a while to realise that the only reason both sexes appeal to me equally is because I'm sexually attracted to neither. The thought of sexual relationships with either gender seems peculiar and awkward to me, although neither seems worse or better than the other. I suppose ideally I'd like an asexual person of either sex to be my asexy 'partner'. To go eat meals with me, to sit next to me, to kiss and cuddle, to spend alone time with, to go on holidays with me... all those things all other couples seem to have minus the pretense of sexuality.

Well, if you are attracted to neither gender, you would be asexual aromantic

I'm not really up on the terminology but I don't think that's right. Aromantic means not wanting a romantic relationship/ romantic experiences with another person, doesn't it? Being attracted to neither gender doesn't translate to that. Perhaps bi-romantic would work, although 'bi' has connotations meaning 'both' rather than 'neither'.

[singinglupines]

Well, if you are attracted to neither gender, you would be asexual aromantic

I'm not really up on the terminology but I don't think that's right. Aromantic means not wanting a romantic relationship/ romantic experiences with another person, doesn't it?

I consider that correct. I'm aromantic and I'm not romantically attracted to either gender. It's all the same to me, but I do like seeing pretty people, just for pure aesthetics.

[FrozenCherry]

Many people falling in love with person and gender does not count so easily. I know that I am straight but what took time was get to answer from Sherlock Holmes if my hair fetish is sexual or not. Now I know it is not. Living in this kind of society which basic on sex, relationships and kids is hard but living itself is easy, just remember breath often ;) Do not let environment get you down, be yourself and be proud :)