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Not-You

Need help with "the talk."

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Not-You

Update:

as the song says: "two out of three ain't bad." :D It's going well for us.

After a bit more introspection, it seems that what bothers me the most is the fact that I'm bothered at all! Does that make sense? When we didn't have sex the weekend previously, I was most upset at the fact that my wife didn't seem to be upset. And that's stupid.

She doesn't "dislike" sex. In fact, she enjoys it. She just doesn't seek it out like I do. So that is definitely my frustration point--not the lack of sex at all. If I can come to terms with the fact that she actually WANTS me and enjoys sex, but simply doesn't think about it (at all), I think I can be very comfortable with this arrangement.

So, post #144 on the previous page is not quite right. I'm feeling pretty good right now.

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Sally

So what if she doesn't want you but still enjoys sex? She probably doesn't want anyone, so it's not you. The two of you are just different.

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zoidberger

Because of my denial, I took that to mean that we would MAKE the baby cooperate--i.e. put her down for a nap. Even though that was clearly NOT the plan. So, the baby didn't nap on her own, so we didn't have sex.

Yes, I'm in denial. If I want to have sex every weekend, that would require my wife's help putting the baby down. Which would require her to WANT to put the baby down. Which would require her to WANT to have sex. Which she doesn't.

Putting the sex part aside for a second, isn't there any worry that the kid might develop attachment issues because it doesn't get put down to sleep by itself? From my understanding babies will take naps sometimes, but they will never decide to take naps at the right time. Even if the baby cries, eventually it'll need to learn to sleep by itself. I guess the reason why I mention it is that it'd probably be good to make sure you show your wife that you're not waiting for the moment that the kid gets to bed to jump into sex. It might actually develop into a sex-shield situation if that's how it is received if it isn't already.

If I'm wrong, then no worries, I just sense some sort of attachment stuff going on there.

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Not-You

So what if she doesn't want you but still enjoys sex? She probably doesn't want anyone, so it's not you. The two of you are just different.

I didn't mean "I have to have what's in your pants" wanting. Just wanting me as in "I find you attractive." Not sexually attractive, but perhaps aesthetically.

@Zoids-you're preaching to the choir. And she knows it, too. We are working on getting her out of the bed. My wife refuses to let her "cry it out" right now, however. We will get there. For the record, the baby has been sleeping on her own a little bit here and there and we've only had sex twice. I really believe she's not using the baby to hold me at bay.

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Olivier

@Zoids-you're preaching to the choir. And she knows it, too. We are working on getting her out of the bed. My wife refuses to let her "cry it out" right now, however. We will get there. For the record, the baby has been sleeping on her own a little bit here and there and we've only had sex twice. I really believe she's not using the baby to hold me at bay.

Five words: controlled crying for the win.

It's really hard the first time, but honestly teaching a young child that bed means sleep and that Mum and Dad are not complete pushovers who will reverse their decisions if you cry are both good lessons. :)

(And, yeah, I know that you know all that, but I just wanted to offer the encouragement of someone who's been there before that it's worth it, on so many levels that it makes its benefits for your sex life seem insignificant. It's a real sanity restorer, for both parents and children :D)

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Not-You

It's really hard the first time, but honestly teaching a young child that bed means sleep and that Mum and Dad are not complete pushovers who will reverse their decisions if you cry are both good lessons. :)

This is the only advice we've EVER gotten on how to put a baby down for the night. From anywhere. Alas, we have yet to try it out. I think I could handle it, barely, but the wife just doesn't think so. I understand that, oftentimes, the mother literally has to get out of the house during the effort. Once again, this would require my wife's cooperation. I ain't gonna lock her out of the house!!!

She knows it needs to be done...she just isn't ready yet.

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Olivier

We used really good television to make the time pass quicker, although we may have left the house on occasion :rolleyes:

All our kids responded to it really well, with two nights of really hard work being all it took, and one night to deal with rare relapses.

Still, it may be the ultimate example of something that's easier said than done.

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Not-You

We used really good television to make the time pass quicker, although we may have left the house on occasion :rolleyes:

All our kids responded to it really well, with two nights of really hard work being all it took, and one night to deal with rare relapses.

Still, it may be the ultimate example of something that's easier said than done.

O, how old where they? I'm sure it matters, and I'm a bit worried we're past the point of no return!! If it's going to take more than a few nights in a row, I'm going to have to take some time off work or something! phew

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Olivier

I'd actually forgotten, but my wife reckons between 9 and 18 months (each time we did it earlier :))

If she's old enough to be talking and understanding more, the other thing we did was call the cot the "happy-making machine". The way it works is: You put in a sad, crying child, and hours later you take out a happy child :P If they were cranky or crying at bedtime, we'd ask if they ever felt like that when they first woke up, and they'd be forced to admit that they didn't. So we made sure the association was there that "crying" = "needs bed". For them to prove they didn't need bed, they had to stop crying. Not always but on a few occasions, we even had tired, crying children who tried to stop, failed, and said "You know, I think I actually do need to go to bed." It runs the risk of them being cheerfully awake until midnight, but we just rolled with that until school age.

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Not-You

I'd actually forgotten, but my wife reckons between 9 and 18 months (each time we did it earlier :))

If she's old enough to be talking and understanding more, the other thing we did was call the cot the "happy-making machine". The way it works is: You put in a sad, crying child, and hours later you take out a happy child :P If they were cranky or crying at bedtime, we'd ask if they ever felt like that when they first woke up, and they'd be forced to admit that they didn't. So we made sure the association was there that "crying" = "needs bed". For them to prove they didn't need bed, they had to stop crying. Not always but on a few occasions, we even had tired, crying children who tried to stop, failed, and said "You know, I think I actually do need to go to bed." It runs the risk of them being cheerfully awake until midnight, but we just rolled with that until school age.

Good to hear. Great advice! We've got a 16 month old now and she's just beginning to ask to "eat" (nurse with her mom)...it won't be long before she's trying to pull her mom's shirt off in public. We're going to have to wean and put her down at about the same time. Should be fun.

We've been waiting for her to wean herself because, frankly, people tell us it will happen. But it hasn't yet!

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theo_tatertot

Indeed. On a scale of 1 to 100 for prudishness, my wife would rate somewhere between 0 and 5. On matters sexual she is entirely impossible to shock, and indeed quite capable of shocking others by finding banal what they find risqué or embarrassing.

I would just like to add that I feel similarly. I think it's important to challenge and overcome assumptions about how others feel about sex, no matter who they are or who you are. It takes some work, but I'm glad to see you're willing to put in the effort, Not-Trapped. It pays off (but I don't have to tell you that :D )

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Not-You

I'm not sure I "belong" here any longer. We've only had sex 3 times since we started having sex again. However, we had sex last week and she sent me this unprompted text message right after (the baby was still sleeping and we were trying to be quiet":

"Thanks [for the sex, I presume]! I don't have negative feelings about sex anymore... I don't know what happened, I don't feel horny or anything, but I don't not like it. Kinda hard to explain. I have been looking forward to her weekend naps..."

I dunno what to make of it. Asexual? Demi? Simply low-libdo? I'm not asking for answers. Just spewing thoughts out. If she's "looking forward" to having sex...then I'm about as happy as a pig in mud.

I can't shake the AVEN habit, but I'm not sure "this is the place for me" any more.

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Vdougie

I'm not sure I "belong" here any longer. We've only had sex 3 times since we started having sex again. However, we had sex last week and she sent me this unprompted text message right after (the baby was still sleeping and we were trying to be quiet":

"Thanks [for the sex, I presume]! I don't have negative feelings about sex anymore... I don't know what happened, I don't feel horny or anything, but I don't not like it. Kinda hard to explain. I have been looking forward to her weekend naps..."

I dunno what to make of it. Asexual? Demi? Simply low-libdo? I'm not asking for answers. Just spewing thoughts out. If she's "looking forward" to having sex...then I'm about as happy as a pig in mud.

I can't shake the AVEN habit, but I'm not sure "this is the place for me" any more.

Well, you know you can stay here as long as you like, sexual or not. Oh, and buy the way, you changed your name.

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Not-You

I'm not sure I "belong" here any longer. We've only had sex 3 times since we started having sex again. However, we had sex last week and she sent me this unprompted text message right after (the baby was still sleeping and we were trying to be quiet":

"Thanks [for the sex, I presume]! I don't have negative feelings about sex anymore... I don't know what happened, I don't feel horny or anything, but I don't not like it. Kinda hard to explain. I have been looking forward to her weekend naps..."

I dunno what to make of it. Asexual? Demi? Simply low-libdo? I'm not asking for answers. Just spewing thoughts out. If she's "looking forward" to having sex...then I'm about as happy as a pig in mud.

I can't shake the AVEN habit, but I'm not sure "this is the place for me" any more.

Well, you know you can stay here as long as you like, sexual or not. Oh, and buy the way, you changed your name.

I've been meaning to for a while. Not-Trapped was getting kind of...[insert negative adjective here]. Despite appearances, the name change doesn't really relate to my most recent post in this tread. They're just co-incidental.

Vdougie, you can help me with my next project I'm working on with the wife: she won't play New Super Mario Brothers with me. :( I wish it had online co-op.

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Vdougie

I'm not sure I "belong" here any longer. We've only had sex 3 times since we started having sex again. However, we had sex last week and she sent me this unprompted text message right after (the baby was still sleeping and we were trying to be quiet":

"Thanks [for the sex, I presume]! I don't have negative feelings about sex anymore... I don't know what happened, I don't feel horny or anything, but I don't not like it. Kinda hard to explain. I have been looking forward to her weekend naps..."

I dunno what to make of it. Asexual? Demi? Simply low-libdo? I'm not asking for answers. Just spewing thoughts out. If she's "looking forward" to having sex...then I'm about as happy as a pig in mud.

I can't shake the AVEN habit, but I'm not sure "this is the place for me" any more.

Well, you know you can stay here as long as you like, sexual or not. Oh, and buy the way, you changed your name.

I've been meaning to for a while. Not-Trapped was getting kind of...[insert negative adjective here]. Despite appearances, the name change doesn't really relate to my most recent post in this tread. They're just co-incidental.

Vdougie, you can help me with my next project I'm working on with the wife: she won't play New Super Mario Brothers with me. :( I wish it had online co-op.

So, she will not play New Super Mario Bros with you either. It seems that sex and video games are just too much for her. I do not know what to say about that one. Mario games are one of the funnest games out there. I she much of a gamer anyway?

I wish it had online co-op too. I believe with the next Nintendo console, Nintendo will improve online play alot more.

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never odd or even

I'm not sure I "belong" here any longer. We've only had sex 3 times since we started having sex again. However, we had sex last week and she sent me this unprompted text message right after (the baby was still sleeping and we were trying to be quiet":

"Thanks [for the sex, I presume]! I don't have negative feelings about sex anymore... I don't know what happened, I don't feel horny or anything, but I don't not like it. Kinda hard to explain. I have been looking forward to her weekend naps..."

I dunno what to make of it. Asexual? Demi? Simply low-libdo? I'm not asking for answers. Just spewing thoughts out. If she's "looking forward" to having sex...then I'm about as happy as a pig in mud.

I can't shake the AVEN habit, but I'm not sure "this is the place for me" any more.

you are always welcome on aven :) you can be that helpful sexual who explains things to us :lol: and if things ever go wrong then we will welcome you back :) besides, AVEN is more than just an ace website. it is an intellectual place as well and somewhere for interesting discussion :)

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MadRat

OMG! :blink: Congratulations! I hope it will finally work!

Because of this:

"I don't have negative feelings about sex anymore... I don't know what happened, I don't feel horny or anything, but I don't not like it. Kinda hard to explain. I have been looking forward to her weekend naps..."

I bet your wife isn´t repulsed anymore - probably she find something about sex what helps her to enjoy it. Maybe the fact that it makes you happy makes her happy too.

Or there is still a possibility she had a trauma or block from the past, something she was never able to talk about, and now she has overcame it.

I´m happy for both of you. :) :)

But don´t go away. We need some sexual people on AVEN too. We need someone who can explain to us all those strange things about sexual attraction and sex in general.

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NotAllHere

We need someone to fool us all on April 1st with those dang threads about fake divorces

Seriously, though, we need the sane people to stay to make sure the rest of us don't burn AVEN down. Plus, the input of a sexual- which is rare creature on AVEN- is rather interesting and informative. I'm happy to hear that things in your marriage are beginning to work out for the better, though!

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Not-You

OMG! :blink: Congratulations! I hope it will finally work!

Because of this:

"I don't have negative feelings about sex anymore... I don't know what happened, I don't feel horny or anything, but I don't not like it. Kinda hard to explain. I have been looking forward to her weekend naps..."

I bet your wife isn´t repulsed anymore - probably she find something about sex what helps her to enjoy it. Maybe the fact that it makes you happy makes her happy too.

Or there is still a possibility she had a trauma or block from the past, something she was never able to talk about, and now she has overcame it.

I´m happy for both of you. :) :)

But don´t go away. We need some sexual people on AVEN too. We need someone who can explain to us all those strange things about sexual attraction and sex in general.

You know, she never seemed repulsed. At least not like how some here describe it. Also, we've been down the "past trauma" avenue with nothing to show for it. She doesn't think that was the case.

I'll stick around for sure. I need something to distract me from work.

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MadRat

I need something to distract me from work.

Are we really soooo funny with this "bleah, sex" and similar posts? :lol: :lol:

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Not-You

Hi everybody! Just dropping in to say.....goodbye I guess. I haven't been very active lately (which is a good thing for me). I've still got notifications set up so if anybody wants to send a message, or if other people in my situation need somebody to talk to, I'm still available.

Just not spending 50% of my workday on AVEN any more. ;)

Have a good summer (or winter for the Southern Hemisphericals) AVENites!

Thanks again for all of the help this winter/spring. What a relief this place was.

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MadRat

Hi!

I´ve been wondering what´s up with you.

Have a great summer too! I have. :) I´m going to Masters of rock festival next week, so it´s gonna be 4 days of fantastic music, headbanging and Asexual harassment of band members. :lol:

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Olivier

Happy trails, Not-You!

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Mag

I've been off AVEN forum for awhile and I come back and BAM! AWESOME! I'm happy for you! Hope you have an awesome life!! Feel free to come back whenever! x)

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