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venusazaboy

Gay Asexual? Is that even possible?

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venusazaboy

I need to start off saying that I am gay and have been in a relationship with my partner for 8 years. I also want to say how relieved I am to find that I am not alone in this issue. I can't say that my partner is asexual because he hasn't been "diagnosed" or even stated that he is, but I am reading posts from others and I am shocked to see how common my issue is. I am 34, he is 42. When I first met him, we were having sex every day for the first two weeks. It was good too, lots of intimacy and lots of bonding. After that, things got rough for my partner. He lost his job and his grandfather passed away. The sex stopped for a long time due to depression. Once he worked through it all, it never picked back up again. Still, to this day, we have sex MAYBE twice a month and ONLY if I initiate it. He has never once initiated sex with me. Also, after 8 years, we have never kissed with the tongue. Never. He says it's because kissing is for teenagers and adults "don't make out".

I told him I get very jealous when I see couples making out in movies or on tv. I can't watch it. It upsets me because I want that so bad. Recently, we have had sex twice since Christmas and both times he looked uncomfortable so I stopped initiating again. I go through this every so often where I swear I won't initiate it but I get so fed up with waiting for intimacy that I break down and initiate it, only to be disappointed afterwards. When we do make love, he just lays there and does not reciprocate at all. I bring it up to him but he only gets angry and always has some kind of lame excuse as to why he doesn't want to have sex (i.e. money problems, too tired, not feeling well, etc.). I can't take it any more.

7 months ago I did something that I will regret for the rest of my life. I cheated on him. I had warned him prior that it would happen if things didn't change (I am not justifying it in any way. I was being honest in my feelings with him. He got mad when he found out, of course, but it didn't change anything. I explained to him why I did it but he didn't care. I don't blame him. I would be furious too. I was hoping afterwards that he would see how desperate and serious I was about this issue but that didn't happen. Instead, we just keep on our daily non-intimate lifestyle.

I mentioned counseling but he says we don't need it. Now the reason we don't have sex is because he can't trust me. I want to work this out and I am tired of his excuses as to why we don't do it. Just today I talked about it with him and he states he tried to have sex with me over the weekend. I don't recall this so I asked him as to how he "tried". He said he laid on the bed while I was reading. This is NOT initiating sex, to me. This is just spending time together. I told him this. I said that he needs to make an effort to turn me on (i.e. kissing, touching, etc.). He got quiet. This happens every time I talk about this.

I am sure you are asking why I stay with him. It's because I truly do love him. I love being with him and he turns me on just by walking into the room. He doesn't feel this way toward me (at least he doesn't show it). This leads me to believe that maybe he is asexual. I don't know any man who doesn't want sex all the time, but this site is making me see otherwise. I don't know what to do. I can't live without intimacy in my life. I just can't. He won't seek counseling to find out if maybe it is a chemical balance or if he truly is asexual. I can't keep going on with this relationship if things don't change. Every time I bring up the topic he says he will work on it, but never does.

Can someone PLEASE offer advice? I am at such a loss and I feel so unloved because of this.

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Celina

Hi,

I want to let you know that I am a gay asexual as well (I'm like partially asexual/Grey-A -it's hard to explain). I've been with my GF for almost two years, and she has had the same complaints as you have had. Just so you know, (not to lecture or anything) that as an asexual in a relationship with a sexual, it feels terrible that I can't feel the same way she can. It makes me feel guilty and uncompassionate. If your partner is asexual, he probably feels the same way as I do. I'm sure he wants to show he loves you.

The advice I have to first communicate. It's important to really talk out every single feeling, because it's easy to get confused about how the other person feels. It sounds like you have talked a lot about this, but make sure it's constructive. Also, make sure that when you talk about it, it's calm and non-accusing. Accusations about his sexuality will just make him shut down.

The other piece of advice I can give is to compromise. It sounds like even though he may be asexual, it sounds like sex could still exist in this relationship. Having sex extremely frequently sounds like something he would not be into and it's important to respect that. If he is okay with having sex every x days, well, that's a lot better than just not getting anything.

Also, discuss turn-ons, turn-offs, and possibly new sex things you've never done before. Even if you know all his preferences, they may have changed. New things as well may make sex more exciting for the both of you and he may even look forward to trying it.

Of course, I don't know you're relationship or his asexuality, so I apologize if none of this is helpful. Please feel open to further discussing this with either me or someone else :) Please do not feel alone or unloved, because we're all here to give advice and I am sure that he loves you.

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Siggy

Hi, I'm also some combination of gay and asexual (the title jumped out at me). Yes, it's possible, and not even that uncommon.

If your partner does not identify as asexual, I wouldn't pin the label on him. That's his choice. If this is just something only pertains to the last several years, well... sexuality can be fluid and all, but he might not relate to the experiences of many asexuals who grew up with it. You can point him to AVEN and see his reaction.

But regardless of whether he is asexual, I think there is still some insight to be gained here. There is a broad range of experiences, including asexuality, sexuality, and everything in between. For instance, some people just don't like kissing, and I can't imagine that this is exclusive to asexuals. Some people have lower sex drives than others. Some only like "giving" and not "receiving", or vice versa.

You need to communicate, and not take it for granted that everyone likes the same parts of sex in the same ways. Not everyone cares about it in the same way, or reacts to it in the same way. Also, realize that this may be just as hard on him as it is on you. It may be hard to go on in a relationship with not enough sex, but it's also hard when you feel like you are perpetually disappointing your partner. To feel like you must be defunct because your don't express your love in the expected way.

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venusazaboy

Thank you guys!! Your advice is very helpful! I will be sure to talk to him more about asexuality. He may not be asexual, but if he is then recognizing the fact may help us both to work through this. Your words of wisdom will (hopefully) go a long way. I will keep you posted. Thanks!

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evanescence

Sorry, see next post.

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evanescence

<<He says it's because kissing is for teenagers and adults "don't make out". >>

Obviously that's not the reason. If people get turned on by making out, they'll make out regardless of their age. If it's a neutral activity for them, they MAY do it to please their partner. If they're actively repulsed by it, they'll avoid it and come up with "reasons" like the one above.

A lot of people on this website advocate making a lot of effort to keep sexual/asexual relationships going, but I tend to disagree in most cases -- especially when there are no kids involved. You may love him, but there are lots of highly sexual people you can love too. I suggest you consider releasing BOTH of you from a tense and unsatisfying situation, rather than trying to change him or change yourself.

E.

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