TheLocalDinosaur Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I'm female and have identified as asexual for about 2 1/2 years, and I've always been certain that I've liked men. Therefore, my self-definition of my sexuality was "hetero-romantic asexual." No problem. However, there have been some recent developments, and I'm not only beginning to question my romantic orientation, but the concept of sexuality itself. This year I have developed feelings for someone, in the form of what I guess you could call a "crush." I know I can never be with this person, but I cannot help feeling strongly for him. This got me thinking about people who I have felt this way about in the past, and honestly, only one other person came to mind, who is also male. That's a grand total of 2 people I have had romantic feelings toward. Ever. I realize that there's not anything particularly wrong with having liked only 2 people in my lifetime, but it creates a dilemma. I have always said that I've liked men (I've found male celebrities attractive, etc.), but now when someone asks me, I'm not sure how to reply. Just because I've never had strong feelings toward a girl doesn't necessarily mean that I will never have feelings for a girl, because, honestly, I haven't met every female in the world. I've experienced "girl crushes," where I've found a girl incredibly attractive and am emotionally drawn to her. I find myself saying that I would date certain female celebrities if they asked me out, and people assume I'm joking, but I reflect on it and find I'm not. However, I feel that I am stopping myself from openly seeking out romantic relationships with other females. Is this because of my fear of being different? Or that I would give people the wrong impression? Or that it would hurt my family, even though being in a relationship with a man is just as if not more likely? Maybe it's because I can't admit it to myself, or because I don't want people to think I'm a different person than who they think they knew. I also feel uncomfortable with my body and being biologically female, and tend to dress in more traditionally masculine clothing, which again leads to assumptions and stereotypes that manifest themselves in different ways. I am at a loss. This all becomes more confusing due to being asexual, since I don't feel sexual attraction to any gender and find it difficult to sort out my feelings for women, whose friendships I share a deeper emotional connection with to start. This also raises the question of the importance of sexuality. I don't believe a person can say that they're completely straight or completely gay, because no one has met every person in the world. I guess how I feel is, even though I have been attracted to 2 men, who's to say I won't fall in love with a woman? Also, I would have no problem dating an FtM transgendered person, an androgynous person, or another gender identity that is not as widely recognized and constructed as "male" and "female." I realize that this puts me much closer to the "panromantic" than the "hetero-romantic" side of the spectrum. But perhaps there is something I'm missing here? Does anyone else feel (or ever felt) this way, and if so, what did you do? Where are you now, and how do you identify? Any advice, suggestions, stories, or input would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Kalea Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I have a couple thoughts, none of which are particularly helpful, but since I can't be sure, I'll post them! :) First, to add yet another label question, have you read the fairly recent thread on demi-romanticism? If you only experience romantic attraction infrequently and/or only after being friends with someone, you might consider yourself demi-romantic or gray-romantic. If the label doesn't help you feel comfortable with who you are, I wouldn't worry about it. But sometimes finding a label for how I feel helps me sort things out. Second, there's been much discussion over the differences between a romantic and platonic relationship, when neither is sexual. I know I have different types of friendships, and thus feel differently about each friend, with various people. To me, feeling differently towards men and women (or even similarly), doesn't mean you're experiencing romantic attraction. In other words, just because you feel a "deeper" connection with women, that doesn't mean you're romantically attracted to them. (It doesn't mean you aren't, either, which is why this isn't helpful!) It's really difficult, at least for me, to distinguish between types of feelings. Then again, I've never considered even in a thought exercise dating a woman, so maybe that is a sign that you could potentially be romantically attracted to a woman. Lastly, I've seen quite a few threads/posts that speak of gender, sexuality, and attraction on a continuum rather than as either/or. I see no reason why someone couldn't say they're towards the pan-romantic end of a hetero-romantic/pan-romantic continuum. I think whatever helps you understand yourself and be comfortable with yourself is right for you, in this case. Just my three cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Treval Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I can't say I've ever had this problem per-say - but by the same token that's as much because I tend to take things like this in stride, as anything else. [When I first realized that I get as many crushes on girls as I do guys, my initial reaction was something along the lines of 'Huh. Guess I'm not straight...now where was that book...'] So, I can't really speak from experience. Though, you mentioned having 'girl crushes' before - would you have dated one of them, had they asked you out? Or do you mean the term as a different kind of crush? Link to post Share on other sites
TheLocalDinosaur Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Thank you for the feedback, Kalea and Treval. :cake: Alright, so there is demi-sexuality AND demi-romanticism? Just making sure I'm getting this right.... If that's the case, I suppose I would be something like a demi-romantic pan-romantic asexual. ... I don't know if it's all about knowing who I am either. I'm perfectly fine just going about my life, keeping an open mind, and seeing who I end up in a relationship with, no matter how that person is labelled by society. What I don't want to do is hurt or confuse those around me by placing confusing labels on myself. People are already taken aback when I say I'm asexual, and I'm afraid I might drive more people away (particularly people who I might have had a relationship with) if I try to describe my feelings about sexuality and romance to them. The bottom line is, if I fall in love I fall in love, no matter what gender that person happens to be. That's honestly how I feel, but I also feel that I am suppressing a side of me that could like women because of societal construction and integrity in the friendships I have, as well as fear that it would change how people view me as a person. I have a hard enough time getting to know people well, and then the chances of me liking someone are slim to none. Even if everything works out, the chances that that person would be asexual are even lower, and I don't want to drive people away by telling them things they don't understand. I realize that sexuality is a fluid spectrum and that no one is the same, but many people do not. I also have a feeling that I'm not demi-romantic, because even though I have liked very few people, they were people I didn't know particularly well. But suppose I am a demi-romantic pan-romantic asexual, or choose to identify as one or a variation of such. How could I possibly convey that to someone in a way they'd understand? Link to post Share on other sites
Treval Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 But suppose I am a demi-romantic pan-romantic asexual, or choose to identify as one or a variation of such. How could I possibly convey that to someone in a way they'd understand? The way I've always explained my orientation [i only say that I'm asexual since I find it easier to simply include the romantic orientation into the explanation it's self] is that I don't experience the desire for sex, but I do feel romantic attraction, and I do desire the emotional/romantic aspects of a relationship. After that, I'd just let them draw their own conclusions/answer any questions they have since, well, there are plenty of sexual people I know that take time to develop crushes, and one of them I suspect is fairly demi-romantic himself. I don't know if that would work for you, or if that was what you were looking for but, I wish you the best of luck :) Link to post Share on other sites
TheLocalDinosaur Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 But suppose I am a demi-romantic pan-romantic asexual, or choose to identify as one or a variation of such. How could I possibly convey that to someone in a way they'd understand? The way I've always explained my orientation [i only say that I'm asexual since I find it easier to simply include the romantic orientation into the explanation it's self] is that I don't experience the desire for sex, but I do feel romantic attraction, and I do desire the emotional/romantic aspects of a relationship. After that, I'd just let them draw their own conclusions/answer any questions they have since, well, there are plenty of sexual people I know that take time to develop crushes, and one of them I suspect is fairly demi-romantic himself. I don't know if that would work for you, or if that was what you were looking for but, I wish you the best of luck :) Oh, I definitely only say I'm asexual when people ask, and a lot of people know what that is, surprisingly. I mean, sometime people ask something like, "Are you into guys or girls?" and it's not something to which I can say, "I'm asexual." It's not a question of what my orientation is, but only who I'm attracted to. I find myself not knowing what to say in those situations. I usually say "guys" reluctantly, because I don't want to go on about my romantic life story. But then I just end up leaving them more confused.... Do you think there's a way to get what I want across without rambling on forever or leaving people confused? :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Nakauri Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 "Are you into guys or girls?" "In what way?" "How do you mean?" "I mean, in what way do you mean am I into guys or girls?" "Oh, you know... Are you in to them?" "Sorry, I don't know what you are asking me. I am not inside of anyone. I don't have any philosophical ideals that the world is male or female, or that ontology has a gender. How do you mean am I into guys or girls?" "Do you prefer to date guys or girls?" "With what ultimate outcome?" "How do you mean?" "What do you mean, how do I mean? Why do you date? What outcome am I after? Physical relationship? An intellectual one? Romantic? What are we talking about here?" "Oh, you know..." "Please, grow out of bloody high school; use your words." "ARE YOU SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO MALES OR FEMALES?" "THANK YOU. NEITHER." "Wait, what?" Link to post Share on other sites
Treval Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 But suppose I am a demi-romantic pan-romantic asexual, or choose to identify as one or a variation of such. How could I possibly convey that to someone in a way they'd understand? The way I've always explained my orientation [i only say that I'm asexual since I find it easier to simply include the romantic orientation into the explanation it's self] is that I don't experience the desire for sex, but I do feel romantic attraction, and I do desire the emotional/romantic aspects of a relationship. After that, I'd just let them draw their own conclusions/answer any questions they have since, well, there are plenty of sexual people I know that take time to develop crushes, and one of them I suspect is fairly demi-romantic himself. I don't know if that would work for you, or if that was what you were looking for but, I wish you the best of luck :) Oh, I definitely only say I'm asexual when people ask, and a lot of people know what that is, surprisingly. I mean, sometime people ask something like, "Are you into guys or girls?" and it's not something to which I can say, "I'm asexual." It's not a question of what my orientation is, but only who I'm attracted to. I find myself not knowing what to say in those situations. I usually say "guys" reluctantly, because I don't want to go on about my romantic life story. But then I just end up leaving them more confused.... Do you think there's a way to get what I want across without rambling on forever or leaving people confused? :/ Ahh...I guess you could possibly say bi-curious? I know that it tends to imply sexuality but - but it does seem like it could fit here since you know you can be romantically attracted to guys, and you think it's possible you could be romantically attracted to girls. Link to post Share on other sites
mylittlehazmat Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Honestly, I've come to realise lately just how unhelpful a romantic label is for myself. I used to identify as aromantic (and agender, too) but at this point, I've decided I don't care. If I meet someone I want to love, then I'll go for it. If I don't, I don't. I just don't care enough about it to label myself, it's incredibly unhelpful and irrelevant to my life. I know what it's like to have only loved one person (or two, in your case) in your lifetime, and it makes things like labelling a bit dodgy, because it's not enough evidence to go one way but more than enough evidence to dissuade other labels. I suppose we need a label that just implies open to romanticism, because I am open to it ... I just don't care to pursue it. Link to post Share on other sites
TheLocalDinosaur Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Honestly, I've come to realise lately just how unhelpful a romantic label is for myself. I used to identify as aromantic (and agender, too) but at this point, I've decided I don't care. If I meet someone I want to love, then I'll go for it. If I don't, I don't. I just don't care enough about it to label myself, it's incredibly unhelpful and irrelevant to my life. I know what it's like to have only loved one person (or two, in your case) in your lifetime, and it makes things like labelling a bit dodgy, because it's not enough evidence to go one way but more than enough evidence to dissuade other labels. I suppose we need a label that just implies open to romanticism, because I am open to it ... I just don't care to pursue it. This is exactly how I feel! If I like someone and they like me I'll just go with it, but I don't like to draw conclusions about myself when I've liked so few people that I haven't really had the opportunity to explore my romantic interests. I'd prefer not to have a romantic label myself, but labels are really to help other people understand who you are (at least the way I see it). And when I tell someone I'm asexual, one of the first questions is always, "So... do you still like guys? Or girls? Or neither, or what?" It's just frustrating, and I understand that people want to know (because if I like a person I'd really like to know if it's worth pursuing as well), but many times I am at a loss for what to tell them without giving them a lecture on the spectrum of sexuality. :( Link to post Share on other sites
mylittlehazmat Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Honestly, I've come to realise lately just how unhelpful a romantic label is for myself. I used to identify as aromantic (and agender, too) but at this point, I've decided I don't care. If I meet someone I want to love, then I'll go for it. If I don't, I don't. I just don't care enough about it to label myself, it's incredibly unhelpful and irrelevant to my life. I know what it's like to have only loved one person (or two, in your case) in your lifetime, and it makes things like labelling a bit dodgy, because it's not enough evidence to go one way but more than enough evidence to dissuade other labels. I suppose we need a label that just implies open to romanticism, because I am open to it ... I just don't care to pursue it. This is exactly how I feel! If I like someone and they like me I'll just go with it, but I don't like to draw conclusions about myself when I've liked so few people that I haven't really had the opportunity to explore my romantic interests. I'd prefer not to have a romantic label myself, but labels are really to help other people understand who you are (at least the way I see it). And when I tell someone I'm asexual, one of the first questions is always, "So... do you still like guys? Or girls? Or neither, or what?" It's just frustrating, and I understand that people want to know (because if I like a person I'd really like to know if it's worth pursuing as well), but many times I am at a loss for what to tell them without giving them a lecture on the spectrum of sexuality. :( I know my answer to those kind of questions would be, "I don't know," or "it depends." Because it really does. I've fallen in love ONCE, obviously I have some pretty damn stringent standards that go into deciding this shit, so I really /don't/ know ... I don't want to give them an incorrect label. I don't feel I'm aromantic and I don't feel I'm romantic ... I'm just something, whatever, I have no bloody idea. I'm something, and if I find someone who works with that something, well, that's great. I find my irritation at people who assume I'm a lesbian or assume I'm into x person is greater than my worry over a romantic partner, so I'd rather tell someone and have no answers than not tell them and let them wonder. EDIT: That said, I do know what you mean about not wanting to give a lecture. I work at a retail store, and quite often someone will make some off hand annoying comment like, "Oh, your boyfriend is so lucky," and I'll just twitch because I know I can't spend the time telling them about something they don't give two hoots about, but it is so irritating to go along with the guise and be like, "Oh yea, he is. *cough cough*" Link to post Share on other sites
A Long Time Ago Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 The bottom line is, if I fall in love I fall in love, no matter what gender that person happens to be. This is how I approach it but it is hard to explain to people, even more so if the likelihood of falling in love with someone has any correlation with their gender (this is what the various orientation labels describe). It really can be hard to explain these things without giving a speech, especially when some of the labels are not widely known. Alright, so there is demi-sexuality AND demi-romanticism? Just making sure I'm getting this right.... If that's the case, I suppose I would be something like a demi-romantic pan-romantic asexual. ... Just have to jump in here with a fun (but completely cryptic) word for pan-demi-romantic that the yadas made up: pandemic. Link to post Share on other sites
TheLocalDinosaur Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 That said, I do know what you mean about not wanting to give a lecture. Right, and I do what you do a lot and just go along with it. People talk about sexual things all the time and I just laugh and play along (because what am I going to do, say, "Excuse me, I'm asexual?!" No). But when I do this, I feel like I'm not being true to myself. I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place in these situations, because I don't want to cause trouble or confusion, but I also don't want to feel like I'm lying to myself and to everyone else. I guess that's where things like the black ring come in handy, but that's not super well-known yet (although I did meet someone who noticed who was not asexual). Just have to jump in here with a fun (but completely cryptic) word for pan-demi-romantic that the yadas made up: pandemic. YES. You get extra . :D :cake: Link to post Share on other sites
Siggy Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I used to identify as aromantic because I don't get crushes at all. But now I don't identify under any romantic orientations. I still don't get crushes, but I've had a couple of romantic relationships, and it seems like an aromantic identity would be dysfunctional. However, I feel that I am stopping myself from openly seeking out romantic relationships with other females. Is this because of my fear of being different? Or that I would give people the wrong impression? Or that it would hurt my family, even though being in a relationship with a man is just as if not more likely? Maybe it's because I can't admit it to myself, or because I don't want people to think I'm a different person than who they think they knew. I don't think there is anything wrong with confining one's search to one gender, even if you are bi. I'm not bi, but I feel now that if I found out that I were, I would continue to only seek out same-sex relationships. The reason being that queer culture is much more accepting of sexual diversity, and doesn't have so many rigid gender roles. But you don't really need a reason, you don't need to justify yourself when it comes to this sort of thing. Honestly, I've come to realise lately just how unhelpful a romantic label is for myself. I used to identify as aromantic (and agender, too) but at this point, I've decided I don't care. If I meet someone I want to love, then I'll go for it. If I don't, I don't. I just don't care enough about it to label myself, it's incredibly unhelpful and irrelevant to my life. That is true, but I also think there is some value in tentative and approximate labels. Right now I'm recalling a story one of my friends told me. She had a huge crush on one of her friends, and thought it might go somewhere because her friend claimed to be bisexual. Eventually she found out that the friend just meant bisexual in theory. For all she knew she might become attracted to a girl some time in the future, and she'd be open to that. She wasn't actually attracted to girls. Link to post Share on other sites
ily Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Does anyone else feel (or ever felt) this way, and if so, what did you do? Where are you now, and how do you identify? Any advice, suggestions, stories, or input would be greatly appreciated. [/color] Yep, I've felt this way. I've only been romantically attracted to 4 or 5 men, and maybe one woman. (I'm 26 so I've had a bit more time.) For awhile, I was waffling between heteroromantic and panromantic, but they just didn't seem descriptive of me, when my romantic attraction seemed more like an exception than any real pattern. But, aromantic doesn't seem quite right either. So I've tossed out romantic orientation altogether, for myself. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but at least for me, trying to pick a romantic orientation always felt like squeezing myself into a box where I didn't fit. I guess my word choice, "choosing a romantic orientation", speaks to the fact that to me, it's sort of arbitrary. It's not like asexuality, which I felt totally fit me, and it didn't require a ton of thinking for me to come to that conclusion. Link to post Share on other sites
Amedot Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 "Are you into guys or girls?" "In what way?" "How do you mean?" "I mean, in what way do you mean am I into guys or girls?" "Oh, you know... Are you in to them?" "Sorry, I don't know what you are asking me. I am not inside of anyone. I don't have any philosophical ideals that the world is male or female, or that ontology has a gender. How do you mean am I into guys or girls?" "Do you prefer to date guys or girls?" "With what ultimate outcome?" "How do you mean?" "What do you mean, how do I mean? Why do you date? What outcome am I after? Physical relationship? An intellectual one? Romantic? What are we talking about here?" "Oh, you know..." "Please, grow out of bloody high school; use your words." "ARE YOU SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO MALES OR FEMALES?" "THANK YOU. NEITHER." "Wait, what?" Can I quote this? :lol: As for me, I am very confused about what to label myself with, as well, as far as romantic orientation goes. I always thought I was aromantic (indeed, there was a time where I felt more aromantic than I did asexual), but then I developed a... feeling, like, a want to be in a relationship with another girl, but didn't have any feelings towards a specific person. Now, I seem to have feelings towards a guy, and no urge to be in a conventional relationship with him, which is very confusing. I think I'm just going to go with grey-romantic, or just... avoid thinking about it for a while, because I have nothing but time to figure it out later down the road. Not sure if that helps you at all Link to post Share on other sites
KestrelWings Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I feel much the same way. After considering the possibility of being ace (still processing...) I know that I am not aromantic, but I am just not sure. I might go out with someone... If they asked... But can't say I feel any desire to initiate a relationship. I would describe that as... Hm... "Who do you like?" "Well I'm asexual." (One lengthy explanation later...) "Okay, I guess. So are you romantically attracted to guys or girls?" "Guys so far. But I'm open." Link to post Share on other sites
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