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randomkid

how to deal with arousal?

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randomkid

Hi...new here, have been lurking and debating whether to post for a while...not really sure where to start, just kind of overwhelmed, but it seems like people here are really helpful and open-minded so I guess I'll give this a try...sorry, this is probably going to be kind of long and rambling...

so, I'm 22, female, have never dated anyone, never had any interest in that stuff. in fact somehow seemed to think I could just skip that whole part of being human, everything they taught us in sex ed, just never thought about that stuff, maybe eventually to the point of being in denial. I was mostly friends with boys in middle school, and we never talked about that stuff, I think kind of just felt like it didnt apply to us, like everyone else could grow up and try to be "cool" and we were just off doing our own thing, having fun being geeky and happy in our own little world. seems like I'm the only one who's stayed stuck there though. and I want to stay there, just kind of not okay with growing up, for whatever reason. it's not that I feel like I want to be male or anything, I'm happy in theory with being female, just not an adult female, just don't want to deal with the physical aspects of that. kind of get around the issue of having a period by taking continuous birth control, like never taking the week of blanks (yeah, with a doctor's permission, was originally prescribed to deal with irregularity or something and have gotten away with just continuing it). but more recently another issue has come up that I can't seem to find a way around...

in the last couple years, I've started getting, i guess, physically aroused by stuff, and I really don't like it. except, I guess some part of my brain does, or maybe just my body does, because somehow I keep ending up doing things to encourage it when it happens. and to complicate things even more, it's not "typical" stuff that's causing the arousal, umm from what I've read online it seems like it possibly could be called a fetish. and I've realized that there was evidence of that when I was much younger, even to the point of seeking out things that involved that stuff when I was a little kid, to get that "funny feeling" to happen...which is kind of hugely shameful and weird and gross to me now...this whole thing kind of is...and just feels so totally "not me!"...but it keeps coming up, my brain will start thinking about the stuff that causes my body to feel like that, and then once it gets to a certain point I sort of just give up and go look for stuff related to that on the internet, and even start I guess masturbating sometimes, and afterwards just feel totally disgusted with myself and wish I hadn't let that happen, but somehow it keeps happening. and I'll go for months being able to ignore it, and then something will trigger those thoughts and I'll get stuck doing it a lot because I keep ending up thinking about it...

and I'm kind of in one of those phases right now, where it keeps happening and I'm just so frustrated with myself and just want to get rid of it, I don't want anything to do with any of this. maybe I just need to have more self-control or something, get better at controlling those thoughts, but the few people I've been able to talk to (very vaguely) about this stuff seem to think I need to work on being more okay with my body and that this stuff is normal and not something to be scared of. it's hard for me to tell how much is being scared, ashamed, etc and how much is just not liking it. I know I do need to be more comfortable with my body and adult stuff in general, but just wish I could make this go away....

Sorry again for this being so long, I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has suggestions or thoughts about any of this...thanks!

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Waterbottle20

I'm a sexual male and I'd have to say I'm also disgusted by the things that turn me on.

Whenever I finish rubbing one out I just stop, sigh, and shake my head in disbelief. Like, cmon, really? Do I really have to be attracted to such asinine, trivial, stereotypically shameful things? Must I lower myself to be absorbed by such occurences? But of course, there's nothing you can do about it in the end. It's part of what makes us human, and in general, is why I hate human sexuality and all it causes. I do not believe sexuality is a part of who you are. I believe it's a separate isolated entity in your brain that likes to bend your will whenever your hormones are pumping.

Might I ask what fetish has taken you captive? There's no need to be ashamed here, in definite anonymity. I'll admit my own to make you feel better: I've had to deal with messed up attractions towards old people, people who are not sexual participants or being aroused, and worst of all I've had to deal with incestuous thoughts. I wish badly that I could just turn it all off.

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moonfairy3349

Hi randomkid,

I just wanted to comment on your post because I can really relate to it. I have been trying to control my sex drive (purely biological - i.e. not connected with an attraction or psychological desire to have sex with any person) for a while, and I hope I can be of some help.

First of all, I just wanted to say that only YOU can decide whether something is "normal", "right", or "good" for you. The people you have talked to may think it is okay for them, but you might not agree. It is easier to give in and say "I'm not going to resist this anymore". You have to decide for yourself if it is something you want to keep fighting. Make a list of pros and cons - how the behavior benefits you, and how it does not. Remember that your feelings are trying to tell you something. You feel ashamed - why? Maybe your friends never had this shame to begin with, they have repressed it, or they have somehow rationalized the shame.

I made the decision that I control my body, not the other way around, so I have chosen to keep fighting. I also chose to do this because I don't think that truely wanting something should feel like resignation. I know how difficult it can be though to fight arousal(while mine does not involve a fetish, it does appear during certain times of the month). Sometimes a balance can be beneficial, where you indulge sometimes just to fend off that feeling of being deprived. If you really really want something, and are told "no, you can't have it", you will want it more. This may be what is happening to you.

Self-control can be obtained mentally through visualization and meditation. (Note: I am a person who heavily relies on my sight as my strongest sense, so it might help you to incorporate a different sense) I envision my arousal in my body as a color, and I work on trying to "gather" the color into a ball which I can "release" from my body by pushing it away with my hands. If you want me to tell you any other visualization ideas/techniques, let me know.

Now, to make it easier to maintain your self-control, you will need to rearrange the chemicals in your body. You could have all the mind power in the world, but it won't be enough if your body is craving a certain chemical, neurotransmitter, hormone, etc. It is good that you are taking birth control, but it might not be enough. What I have noticed is, during my menstrual cycle, the second week or so is bliss - absolutely NO arousal! Strangely enough, while doing research, I saw that this is because the female body's level of estrogen is the highest at this time. I have decided to try a phytoestrogen supplement (estrogen produced by plants - namely soy) to see if it will help increase my estrogen (and decrease arousal) during other times of the month. It might benefit you to try to see when you feel the most a peace, and if this correlates to anything else (menstrual cycle, etc).

Also, if you are more aroused during a certain time of the day (usually for me it is early morning, which has been shown through research to be a time when females are the most aroused), then do something to occupy yourself during that time. If you start having the thoughts you were talking about, think about something else. BUTTTT, if you want to do this, I would recommend first ACKNOWLEDGING the feeling. If you don't do this, your body will start to feel deprived. Say to yourself, "I recognize you want ___ right now."

Speaking of acknowledgement, it is good that you are trying to get more in tune with your body. I know how terrible it feels to grow up - I have resisted it in some aspects as well. But you have to try to come to terms with it - for me this has been accepting the positive aspects of adulthood (responsibility, freedom, reason, etc.) and have doing what I can to get rid of the physical aspects (I don't mind having a period - I just don't like how I sometimes spontaneously feel aroused during certain times of the month) A part of me does long to go back to adolescence, but I have realized it is not my fault that my body chose to change.

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MetalGoblin

I just wanted to say that I can also relate to this. I'm sorry that I don't really have any advice, though.

I made the decision that I control my body, not the other way around, so I have chosen to keep fighting.

I made the same decision. My sex drive is not who I am, and I try not to let it influence me.

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goaTmcFEE

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