I think I'm asexual but I really don't want to be. Help

[schmat]

I'm 19 years old. I don't believe I'm sexually attracted to anyone. Sometimes, I think I might be a bit gay, perhaps bisexual but deep down, I believe I'm more likely to be asexual. I will explain. From 12.5-15 I had feelings towards boys. I liked two boys. The first one, I was about 12 and the second, about 13/14. I don't really remember being attracted to the first one physically but I did have a little crush on him. He gave me butterflies and such. The second, I remember being attracted to him, finding him cute and yearning to be close to him (he lived far from me, so perhaps this made my feelings stronger). However, it wasn't really like I was sexually attracted to boys, just physically and it was only with a very small number of boys. Perhaps this was a phase? When I got over both boys, I remember having feelings towards girls. From about the age of 15. Once again, I was physically attracted to them. I had many crushes on girls for a few years. It was a lot stronger than it was with boys and lasted many years longer. But again, I never thought about them sexually. I found myself loving the way they looked (not because I admired/wanted to look like them, before you suggest that), wanting to be close to them, getting so excited to be with them. I never had any interest in boys, not even talking to them, really, they had no use to me (sorry!). I was very scared of the idea of being gay so I refused to think about it. When I finally told myself I had to, I came to the conclusion that I was most likely gay/a bisexual who liked women more. So I made friends with gay people, found myself a girlfriend. I've never had sex with anyone but I had an experience with her. We'd make out, she'd touch me, I'd get nothing out of it. One time, one thing led to another and I ended up touching her (beneath the clothing). I didn't get turned on by it at all. I didn't really feel much towards her in the first place, so that could be the problem. BUT, I never really find women (nor men!) attracted. These days, it will happen once a year. But I still don't believe I could be sexually aroused by that person say I was to have sex with them. Also, I don't masturbate, it doesn't interest me at all. I try it all the time, in the hope that I will get turned on. When I think of sexual things, it does nothing for me. It's so boring.

One important thing, this is what leads me to think I am actually a sexual person. When I was perhaps 14, I was watching television alone, a sex scene came on and I was turned on. I got the feeling down below but this never happened again. If I'm asexual, why did that happen?

Also, I thin asexuality might run in my family. I know it's a strange topic to talk about with your mother but my mother told me she doesn't like sex, we're in the same shoes, she's wishes she got something from it but doesn't. She said her mother and grandmother didn't like sex either. Also, my sister claims to be asexual. She's been very unwell, physically and mentally for many years, so this could be why...

Incase you don't want to read that huge essay, I will conclude-

I ever so occasionally find myself attracted (physically) to women. However, I wouldn't be able to have sex with them as I am not sexually attracted to them.

I do not masturbate because I do not get aroused.

Porn etc does not turn me on.

I think asexuality runs in my family.

I was aroused once in my life. If I'm asexual, why would that happen? Because I was very young?

I REALLY don't want to be asexual. I want to find someone male/female to love and have romance with. I want to have sex, I want to experience those feelings. Do you think it could be a hormone imbalance? Could I try the doctors? Since many of you will have/be trying to accept your asexuality you will probably tell me to live with it but please don't, please tell me if there is a chance that I might be able to change this.

Thank you

I'm a girl by the way.

Also, if there's anyone out there who could talk to me about this, I'd really appreciate it. I have facebook/skype/msn/aim, eveything!

[Anara]

Hi Schmat,

I'm in a pretty similar place. I came out as queer several years ago, but I just don't have a sex drive. I find mostly girls physically attractive and love to imagine being with them, but not really in a sexual way. Unlike you, I do enjoy masturbating, but it's not like something I NEED or have a drive for. I'm currently trying to figure out if I'm asexual, and I'd really rather not be, mainly because I enjoy being in a romantic relationship and I want to have kids someday, two things that seem a lot less attainable considering how very few queer asexuals there are to choose from as potential partners.

[GirlDreamer]

First of all, welcome to AVEN

It's important to know that none of us can't tell you if you are asexual or not. That would be totally up to you. Just know that we'll be here to support you no matter what you should decide.

From what you've told, it does seem like you could be asexual. Many asexual's does experience romantic, aesthetic or physical attraction. It sounds to me like you could be biromantic or homoromantic, but again that's up to you do decide. Being asexual doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your libido. A lot of asexual people still have fantasies and get aroused. What matters is if you'd want to do what you fantasize about in real life if the opportunity presented itself.

I can see that you feel bothered about the fact that you might be asexual. If it is something that bothers you, I'd strongly encourage you to get some professional help. Maybe there could be a medical reason, maybe there's not. As long as you're bothered with it, then you should try to do something about it.

http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Asexual_health

[Deepthinker28]

Let me say this. You cant be asexual and gay. A gay man will enjoy the thoughts and deny to others of his Homosexuality, a person who suffers from an OCD but isnt gay will often hate the thoughts and become even more depressed than a closted gay man. An asexual may like men mentally but noy physically and only woman physically but is capable of both relationships but not physically with men. All people find other people ven of the same sex attractive whether they admit it or not. Men know whos a goodlooking man or not? Or they couldnt idenity an ugly one, that doesnt mean they are sexually desiring them. You sound Asexual. you can find a great woman, but she will have to mentally entice you. Your an Asexual, your not gay trust me, its okay to see men attractive, but if your not aroused by it and dont enjoy the thought than your not gay. Your an Asexual man.

[Stormy Wether]

Let me say this. You cant be asexual and gay. A gay man will enjoy the thoughts and deny to others of his Homosexuality, a person who suffers from an OCD but isnt gay will often hate the thoughts and become even more depressed than a closted gay man. An asexual may like men mentally but noy physically and only woman physically but is capable of both relationships but not physically with men. All people find other people ven of the same sex attractive whether they admit it or not. Men know whos a goodlooking man or not? Or they couldnt idenity an ugly one, that doesnt mean they are sexually desiring them. You sound Asexual. you can find a great woman, but she will have to mentally entice you. Your an Asexual, your not gay trust me, its okay to see men attractive, but if your not aroused by it and dont enjoy the thought than your not gay. Your an Asexual man.

Some of our members do identify as both asexual and gay/lesbian. This is because they have romantic feelings and aesthetic appreciation for members of their own gender.

[GirlDreamer]

Please remember that we can't tell other members what their a(sexuality) is. If you haven't already, please read the thread below.

GirlDreamer Q&A co-mod

http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/51411-what-is-asexual-elitism-and-why-does-aven-discourage-it/

[Guest]

Let me say this. You cant be asexual and gay. A gay man will enjoy the thoughts and deny to others of his Homosexuality, a person who suffers from an OCD but isnt gay will often hate the thoughts and become even more depressed than a closted gay man. An asexual may like men mentally but noy physically and only woman physically but is capable of both relationships but not physically with men. All people find other people ven of the same sex attractive whether they admit it or not. Men know whos a goodlooking man or not? Or they couldnt idenity an ugly one, that doesnt mean they are sexually desiring them. You sound Asexual. you can find a great woman, but she will have to mentally entice you. Your an Asexual, your not gay trust me, its okay to see men attractive, but if your not aroused by it and dont enjoy the thought than your not gay. Your an Asexual man.

This is ridiculous. For one thing, you didn't even finish reading her post. Yeah, her.

[shaiith]

Let me say this. You cant be asexual and gay. A gay man will enjoy the thoughts and deny to others of his Homosexuality, a person who suffers from an OCD but isnt gay will often hate the thoughts and become even more depressed than a closted gay man. An asexual may like men mentally but noy physically and only woman physically but is capable of both relationships but not physically with men. All people find other people ven of the same sex attractive whether they admit it or not. Men know whos a goodlooking man or not? Or they couldnt idenity an ugly one, that doesnt mean they are sexually desiring them. You sound Asexual. you can find a great woman, but she will have to mentally entice you. Your an Asexual, your not gay trust me, its okay to see men attractive, but if your not aroused by it and dont enjoy the thought than your not gay. Your an Asexual man.

1) We cannot tell people what they are or are not, or how they can or cannot identify.

2) If you're defining "gay" only as "being sexually attracted to the opposite gender". But don't forget that romantic and sexual attraction are/can be two different things. Someone can be a homoromantic asexual (romantically attracted to the opposite gender), and whether or not they choose to identify as gay because of this is entirely up to them.

3) Also, schmat is a girl.

[Deepthinker28]

Boy or girl, and how can someone choose if there asexual if its up to them? No means of insult calm down people? But i personally beleive you dont choose to be asexual lol smh. Im defining gay as being attracted to the same gender PHYSICALLY. You cant be gay and find the same gender attractive but not sexually desiring them. you can be asexual and maybe that is possible but not gay and sexually not desiring the same sex. thats all people my bad lol.

[GirlDreamer]

The reason why we can't tell anyone what sexuality they have, is simply because we don't know them personally. There could be reasons why a person feels the way they do, that we don't know about. You're right, you can't choose to be asexual but you can chose if you want to put that label on yourself. No one can do that for you.

I've seen that people define the word gay in different ways, so we'll just have to agree to disagree on that one. Asexual people who are homoromantic, does actually call themselves gay, and we can't deny them that. For a lot of people, there's a clear distinction between sexual and physical attraction. This is because a lot of asexual people enjoy being intimate with their partner in form of kissing, hugging and cuddling, while other don't enjoy this at all.

[Ninny]

Welcome to AVEN schmat!

Being Asexual doesn't mean you can't find someone to love, many people on Aven have :) And being Asexual also doesn't mean you can't have, want or enjoy sex! Many people sometimes freak out when they realize they may be Asexual, because they think it means they can't do certain things (have or enjoy sex or form romantic relationships) but it is important to remember that there are no rules to being Asexual - except not being sexually attracted to someone, that being said it doesn't mean you cant enjoy sexual things, maybe Asexuals don't enjoy it to the same extent as Sexual people, but our bodies work the same :)

So basically, if you do come to the conclusion that you are Asexual don't worry! It wont stop you doing the things you want to do.

And as for the getting aroused by the sex scene, don't worry, it's natural and doesn't mean you're sexually attracted to what's going it. It's a stimulus and so you're body is reacting to it.

Stay around AVEN and have a look around and after a while you'll figure things out!

[samepage1]

I would think there is some difference between not wanting to be asexual and feeling like you have a sexual problem or disorder or that something is sexually "wrong" with you. Having a sexual disorder is like a depressed person wanting to stop be depressed. Wishing you weren't asexual is more like a short person wishing to be taller. It's understandable, might even make life better, but there is nothing wrong with a short person or an asexual. Honestly, I often wish I were sexual because I perceive that would make it easier to find a partner, form a close relationship with someone--because most people reserve their closest relationship for a sexual partner--with whom to raise children.

You seem to be saying that you really do think you are asexual.

I want to find someone male/female to love and have romance with. I want to have sex, I want to experience those feelings.

I'm wondering if you can elaborate on the second sentence of this quote. Why do you want to have sex? What about it appeals to you? Do you think you'd like it? What feelings do you want to experience? I don't have any further point that I'm trying to make by asking you to say more about this (which you can choose not to, of course). I just thought maybe someone could be more helpful to you if we knew more about how you felt about sex. Anyhow, if you want to have sex, then of course you can.

I started writing my post before Ninny made the post above mine. It's a really good post. I agree 100%.

Edited December 5, 2010 by samepage1

[schmat]

I would think there is some difference between not wanting to be asexual and feeling like you have a sexual problem or disorder or that something is sexually "wrong" with you. Having a sexual disorder is like a depressed person wanting to stop be depressed. Wishing you weren't asexual is more like a short person wishing to be taller. It's understandable, might even make life better, but there is nothing wrong with a short person or an asexual. Honestly, I often wish I were sexual because I perceive that would make it easier to find a partner, form a close relationship with someone--because most people reserve their closest relationship for a sexual partner--with whom to raise children.

You seem to be saying that you really do think you are asexual.

I want to find someone male/female to love and have romance with. I want to have sex, I want to experience those feelings.

I'm wondering if you can elaborate on the second sentence of this quote. Why do you want to have sex? What about it appeals to you? Do you think you'd like it? What feelings do you want to experience? I don't have any further point that I'm trying to make by asking you to say more about this (which you can choose not to, of course). I just thought maybe someone could be more helpful to you if we knew more about how you felt about sex. Anyhow, if you want to have sex, then of course you can.

I started writing my post before Ninny made the post above mine. It's a really good post. I agree 100%.

I don't know why I ant to have sex. I want to feel that kind of closeness with another person? People seem to enjoy sex and say it feels good, so I guess I want to experience that feeling too. It will be hard to find a partner?

You said I can have sex? I don't think so. What would be the point in my having sex if I can't get aroused? You don't get anything out of it.

[Beatrice_Otter]

I don't know why I ant to have sex. I want to feel that kind of closeness with another person? People seem to enjoy sex and say it feels good, so I guess I want to experience that feeling too. It will be hard to find a partner?

You said I can have sex? I don't think so. What would be the point in my having sex if I can't get aroused? You don't get anything out of it.

Schmat,

First, welcome to AVEN and I'm sorry that someone up-thread was being rather rude--not to mention against forum rules--by trying to tell you what you can and can't be, and in your first post no less. Really, that's not a normal part of the forum, don't let it scare you off.

When I was your age I wanted more than anything to be "normal." I mean, the whole world around us is telling us that we should want to have sex, that sex is the most awesome thing, the goal of life, the ultimate definition of your truest inner self, etc. ad nauseum. Books, movies, magazines, conversations around the water cooler, everything revolves around it in one way or another. And it can be very isolating to just not fit that way. Also, if you're a romantic ace, as it sounds like you are, chances are you're going to fall in love with people who are sexual--after all, aces are only around 1% of the population. And it's a lot easier to be in a relationship with a sexual person if you're sexual yourself, or at least demisexual. So I can understand why you would want to be sexual--it's easier to be "normal." The question is, does that fit you?

My advice is twofold. First, keep exploring who you are and what you want. Second, don't close off any avenues even if you think they don't lead where you want them to. You may be asexual. You may be a gray-a. You may be demisexual. You may be sexual but a late bloomer. You may be an asexual who doesn't care for sex per se but thinks its worth it to maintain a romantic relationship with a sexual person. You may be an asexual who really, push-comes-to-shove, can't stand sex over the long haul. You may be something completely different. I don't know, and it sounds like neither do you. It's okay to not be sure, particularly at your age (and oh, my God, I'm channeling my mom and that's really scary--am I a Responsible Adult now?). The problem is when you decide what you want to be based on what you think you should be, instead if who you actually are. Most people who do that end up investing huge amounts of time and effort to prove to themselves and the world around them that the self-image they've chosen is true, and find that in the end (maybe years or decades down the road) that they can't sustain it for their whole life, and things come crashing down. Oftentimes people get hurt, and nobody wants that. It's a lot easier, and you will probably be happier, if you are honest with yourself and the people you love from the start. But relax: it's not that bad! It gets better! Unfortunately, the only way to get to the "better" is to go through the confusing why-am-I-different this-sucks stage.

Good luck, and I hope you figure it out!

[samepage1]

You said I can have sex? I don't think so. What would be the point in my having sex if I can't get aroused? You don't get anything out of it.

You're right, there might not be a point, it's just that you said you wanted to. By saying that you can have sex if you want to, I was trying to say what Ninny said better in the post before mine:

"...there are no rules to being Asexual - except not being sexually attracted to someone, that being said it doesn't mean you cant enjoy sexual things..."

Of course, that's if you are asexual. Since you say you want to have sex but that you also recognize that there may not be a point in it, maybe you aren't asexual.

The problem is when you decide what you want to be based on what you think you should be, instead if who you actually are.

Well said. I think it is important to really think through this honestly with yourself. If you do that and conclude that you should have the desire to have sex because that is something you really want to do, then you would be ruling out asexuality and there would probably be another explanation that prevents you from having sex, perhaps a medical issue. If so, I don't know if it could be treated, but oftentimes just knowing there is an explanation and what it is can help.

I'll even go out on a limb and say that perhaps when you say you don't feel sexually attracted to people, maybe what is lacking is sexual arousal or something that makes your sexual attraction seem not-sexual.

I really don't have a leaning one way or the other from what you've described, much as it seems you've painted a good picture of your situation. I definitely think you should consider that last quote above, and it could go either way.

[KestrelWings]

First of all, you can ask your doctors about hormones and if there's nothing imbalanced you could be asexual.

Second, asexuality is not about libido, but about sexual attraction- so I believe getting turned on without attraction doesn't mean you are sexual.

Third, I you decide to call yourself asexual, good for you. I wish you the best of luck. If you decide to call yourself sexual and/or enter sexual relationships, I wish you the beat of luck. To sum up? I wish you the best of luck... whatever choice you make that works for you is the best choice in the world.