Supporting a friend who's exploring her Aceness

[Crolliogan]

Hi everyone!

First of all, I'd like to say that I am SO happy that AVEN exists! You guys are awesome (or should that be Ace?) Thank you for being here. <3

Anyway, to my point!

Firstly, me: I am a highly sexual, completely gender and sexually queer female. Since a young age, I always knew gender and sexuality were fluid, non-concrete concepts. I am very lucky to come from an extremely open-minded, liberal and intellectual (read: arty-farty and head in the clouds!) family, so I have been exploring every element of gender and queer theory since I was 13 up till now (I'm in my early 20s). From about 15, I was aware of the existence of Asexuality and was always comfortable accepting it as a concept (although personally I can not relate to it, because I am [unfortunately] distractingly sexually driven. )

Now, my friend: I have known this friend (physically female) for a while and we are really close. I saw that she was struggling with her sexual and gender identity for a long time and wanted to help her, but did not want to push her to talk about it (I just let her know I was there for her if she needed me). She never really seemed to identify with the LGBT youth group scene, but she certainly wasn't heterosexual either. I noticed that she seemed to have a TOTAL disinterest in anything sexual, and often did not get innudeno or sexual references. Over time, she started to open up to me, and eventually we had a long talk where I suggested to her that she could be asexual. A few months on, she has told me that she does indeed identify with being asexual, and is very happy to have discovered AVEN. I am very, very happy for her, and have told her that if she needs any help or support or anyone to talk to, she can come to me.

Now, the tricky bit: I want to be as good and as supportive a friend as I can possibly be. Is there any suggestions anyone can give me? Any tips or experiences? I believe that she might be bi-romantic or bi-affectionate, though she is still exploring this and I do not want to make any conclusions or statements. I think she does want an asexual partner in the future, so is there anything I can do to help her in terms of meeting someone? (if, of course, she positively expresses that is her wish!). Will she encounter anything that, as a Queer Sexual person I will not have considered or encountered?

One sticky thing we might have to deal with in the future: Her family are not very open minded when it comes to sexuality. I think her mother assumes that her children will all eventually marry into a heterosexual, child-producing lifestyle. I know that her mother would not be happy at all if my friend came out as gay (this has been made obvious), but I expect that her mother will have not heard or considered asexuality. When my friend eventually decides to 'come out' as asexual to her family, what sort of things can she expect? Total confusion from her family? I don't know what will happen. How can I help and support my friend when she does come out?

Thank you all very much for your time and I really appreciate all your help!

[Hikari Akai]

First off, and thanks for being so supportive! We need more sexuals to be so understanding!

As for your friend, your situation is so similar to my friend's situation that I almost want to ask if you're her, but I already know your not. :) So as an asexual who has a lesbian best friend, what I can say is that your already doing all the right things. One of the most important things my best friend has done is not only accept my orientation, but treat it like its normal. It looks to me that you've already done all that, so congratulations! You're an awesome friend!

As far as meeting an asexual partner, its a bit unlikely. But if you meet someone you know or think is asexual, sie would probably like to meet them. I know I'd love to meet a fellow asexual! I'd feel a little less weird about it for one thing.

The two biggest problems your friend will face is confusion and denial. Unlike homosexuality, which is generally considered to be possible these days, a lot of people who have heard of asexuality think its impossible. This is one of the hardest parts of being asexual (aside from the whole relationship thing ) While your friend may not meet the same discrimination the LGBT community does, sie will see a lot of misunderstanding and denial of hir identity, which can really suck.

I have the exact same problem with family, so I can tell you personally what she'll get. Confusion and denial. Hir parents will probably have no idea what it means, and when they hear it, they tell hir that sie's "a late bloomer" or that its impossible to be asexual. A bigger problem sie'll face, however, is her questioning her gender identity, which hir family will have a much bigger problem with. And the possible fact that sie's biromantic will make some big waves, especially if sie dates a girl in the future. They will assume sie's gay.

I dont know how helpful I'm being, but let your friend know that sie's not the only one out there dealing with these issues. I know exactly how sie's feeling.

[Awsm4all]

Every first post from a member deserves some . As Hikari has said, thank you for being so understanding and supportive! I've come from a very open-minded family as well, although while they may believe that I am asexual, they think I'll grow out of it. My parents think that I'll be able to find a husband who will be like me someday, but when I came out to my older (married with a kid) sister, she said that if i was asexual, I probably wouldn't have the same closeness to my husband that I would if I were to have sex with him.

That conversation really left a bad taste in my mouth, because I do want to share my life with someone, just in a way that doesn't involve sexual intimacy. Cuddling and maybe kissing is all right, but emotional intimacy is far more euphoric for me. That's a stumbling block for a lot of sexuals, and it might be hard for your friend's parents to understand, considering they must have had to be intimate in order for your friend to exist. <.<

If her parents are the type to favor the heterosexual, childbearing, vision of the future, then it will probably take them some time to get used to the concept that asexuality exists. You two could show them the AVEN website and different studies about asexuality that prove it is a legitimate orientation. If they insist that they want grandchildren, adoption is always an option for your friend (it's what I plan to do. I want kids, I just don't want to go about the process of making them XD).

The important thing is to feel it out and choose the right time. Maybe introduce the parents to asexuality before having your friend confess. As for meeting a potential SO, there are asexual dating sites on the Internet she could check out. Or there's the Meet-up mart on AVEN. Find your area and start looking!

Good Luck! :D

[kiramekuchan]

for you! I am actually in the same position. :) My bestest friend just discovered her asexuality. while I am happily bisexual.

But the best thing about it is that both of us just accept each other as is. No changing needed. I really think that that is one of the most important things you can do. Just love and accept your friend as sie is. That way, regardless of what family or other people may think, sie'll have someone to turn to.

I'm not saying it will be impossible for family to accept, but I'm not saying it will be easy either. Honestly you don't know what will happen until it actually happens. And then you can deal with it then. whatever it is.

You're friend is lucky to have you.

If you have any other questions or just want to talk more to someone kinda in the same position, by all means Feel Free to PM me. I love talking to people who have been through the same things, it makes me feel like I'm not alone out there.