? for older asexuals

[IBNORMAL]

So you're in your mid 40's to 50's. You have a great job, great friends, a great family with loads of nieces and nephews. You have a great house, lovely community. You've always known that you were different and suddenly you find a label that makes all of those internal conflicts clear.

?is there any utility in "COMING OUT" as an asexual?

?do you just let people wonder wether you are gay?

?do you tell people when the situation becomes uncomfortable.

A label is just that - a label. It changes nothing and it's even harder when the label implies an "absence" of something.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[robbenbanks]

I let people know pretty early on......its easier for me because I want friendships.....seems like the world thinks along the lines of sexuality so when I am making new friends, they will assume that, my agenda for wanting thiey'er fiendship is a sexual agenda. They decide this based on they'er own experiences or behavior....I'de rather be upfront about this right away....however people tend to not believe that I am asexual, I guess its hard to understand. Ide rather just say it.

[NamTar]

I'm not in my 40s yet, but as robbenbanks said, a lot of people may assume that if you are friendly to them, you wanna get in their pants rather than being friends. And that's why I tell people pretty early on, because I hate being accused of trying to break up relationships/marriages by people's irrationally jealous SOs. I don't necessarily say I'm asexual, I just tell them I'm not interested in relationships/sex, that i'm single and not looking, or whatever. It depends on the person, really. People still tend to believe i'm gay, even if I tell them I'm not.

[Samael]

These are my thoughts.

Hmm, there have been incidents when people have wondered whether I have partner. And the people that have always known me pretty often joke about my lack of interest in the dating game. If you tell others the truth, well, it first of all depends who you tell it to, I think. The more understanding the better. I probably wouldn't be bothered to tell just anyone though, especially because of people's general ignorance. I have no problem telling anyone, but I think it's wise to first contemplate on all the possible outcomes and consequences it might have.

Heterosexual people most often tend to feel that homosexuality, for example, is unnatural. Especially the more older folks tend to hold this kind of view, in my experience. How do you think most of these limited people will feel, if you tell them you have no sexual preference to begin with? I bet their ignorance wouldn't let them to see it as anything else but as entirely unnatural or as an abomination, just like with homosexuality. Of course, if it's of no consequence what people think about you, then go right ahead :D

My advice: if you have something to lose (social standing for example) that you'd like to hold on to, consider carefully about telling things about you. What matters most is whether the people you'd tell could be seen as open minded enough.

[Hammerhead]

I’m in my 50’s and I haven’t told family or friends that I’m asexual and I have no intention of ever telling any of them. To me it’s a personal matter so it’s none of their business. I don’t know if anyone has wondered if I’m gay since no one has ever brought it up. I wouldn’t be surprised if some have wondered but I simply don’t care. It has been difficult to become friends with someone of the opposite sex because like others have mentioned they assume your goal is a sexual one. I’ve found that they had to know me for a long period of time, like years at work or clubs, before we became friends.

[Sally]

I'm older than 50 and have told a few women friends and one sister. I've found they either don't understand or don't care. It hasn't affected their view of me. If you're older, people aren't trying so hard to pair you up anyway; it's not like you're 19 and friends are wondering why you don't date.

I think a good reason to not make any announcements to anyone is that basically they won't care. So why do it?

[daveb]

Welcome and have some !

I have not told anyone so far. The main reason is that so far no one esle has had a "need to know". I would definitely tell a potential partner, probably early on, but I haven't met any potential partners since discovering my asexuality. A secondary reason is it just hasn't come up and I'm not someone who tends to talk about their personal life to most people. I think family members are used to the fact that I don't don't much by now (I'm 54), and I have a relationship with a woman for a while, so I don't believe they think I'm gay. So there isn't a burning need to tell them. Another reason to come out is for the sake of visibility of sexuality in general, but I'm a very shy and private person and don't like having any sort of spotlight on me. I applaud those who do come out for visibility and education. They're the ones who are making a difference for all of us. So for them! :)

[Sally]

Welcome and have some !

I have not told anyone so far. The main reason is that so far no one esle has had a "need to know". I would definitely tell a potential partner, probably early on, but I haven't met any potential partners since discovering my asexuality. A secondary reason is it just hasn't come up and I'm not someone who tends to talk about their personal life to most people. I think family members are used to the fact that I don't don't much by now (I'm 54), and I have a relationship with a woman for a while, so I don't believe they think I'm gay. So there isn't a burning need to tell them. Another reason to come out is for the sake of visibility of sexuality in general, but I'm a very shy and private person and don't like having any sort of spotlight on me. I applaud those who do come out for visibility and education. They're the ones who are making a difference for all of us. So for them! :)

Speaking of visibility, Daveb, that's a much less scary avatar!

[Harpo's Gookie]

Like most here, I feel it's a somewhat private thing and my business. I have only told my sister and then those fellow acers who I've corresponded with and met. I guess I don't want people to think of me differently or imagining me having or not having sex. But sometimes I think it might make my life easier too. I've seen people draw in their spouses or look at me with a stink eye when talking and getting along with their SO. I am ALWAYS unattached, never bring a date to friends invites and if I weren't asexual I would wonder about me too! I don't know what people think of me after so many years and would love to know but afraid to ask. I did have one close friend brave enough to ask me if I was gay, because of my lack of dating life I presume. I think she thought I might be lesbian and just ashamed to tell anyone and had secret relationships (lived in small town at that time). I still struggle with the thought of "coming out" to friends and family but I know once it is out there I can't take it back. So I have to be sure I'm ready and I'm not there yet.

[under_the_radar]

I keep all personal matters on a "need to know basis". I see no reason to make a non-issue an issue. Unless a situation came up where it would be vital to inform someone, if everything is just fine now you're still the person you've always been right? :)

[Hermathena]

I am in my mid forties and yes I also recently found out that the asexuality label fits me like a glove.

In the beginning I just wanted to scream this word to everyone I knew. Then I had my concerns about loosing my status quo as you seem to have. As a trial comeout I started wearing the asexuality ring (black ring in my right middle finger). Then I found out that no one even cared enough to ask what that ring meant to me.

The truth is that the majority of people won't understand or won't care. But I care, and for me knowing finally what I am, matters a lot. So even without openly coming out, or without actually using the word asexual, my general behaviour has changed . So before, when my friends started talking about their sexual encounters, I faked interest or even worse sometimes contributed my opinions as if I had personal experiences on the issue involved. No I just dont take part in the conversation and if asked I just say that I am uninterested and have nothing to say on the subject.

I think that some of my friends are gradually getting the message, even if they dont grasp the concept . Yes I may be losing a few friends (the less important ones) but there are other friends as well, with whom I am sharing other interests like hiking or travelling for ex. and offcourse I am trying to find and make some new friends asexuals like me, were we could talk more openly about our asexuality.

[< retired >]

If you were a sexual in a sexual relationship, would you feel compelled to share with others the last time you had sex, what you did, how it went, etc? Probably not. Why, then, feel compelled to share the last time you didn't have sex, what you didn't do, how it didn't go, etc? :)

If people have an inclination to think bad thoughts about you, they will always a way. If it's not sex, then it will be something else. That's life! :)