Does this relationship have any chance at all?

[xerxez]

So here's how the story goes. I went off to college in September and I meet this girl (I'm a guy). We share nearly all of the same interests and we start spending lots of time together. Eventually we decide that we should start going out. I think at the time I felt like I would've rather just stayed friends (as I wasn't interested in anything sexual), but I had never been in a relationship before, so I didn't know how I was "supposed" to be feeling. I think my feelings might have gotten confused just because of how good of friends we are. I might've tried to force myself into thinking I felt more about her than I really did, just because I didn't want to put the relationship at risk and risk losing the friendship that I really care about.

I'm now really starting to realize that this is how I'm feeling and that a sexual relationship really isn't something I want. This girl has said she isn't all that interested in sex, but she does like being really close to me (rubbing my arm and hands and such), kissing me, and doing pretty much anything besides actual sexual intercourse. I'm not completely against those things (I like being close to her as well, but not so much the rubbing and everything else), but I think I'd be much more comfortable if we were able to just be friends and not do anything else.

I just know that if I do end the "relationship" part of this relationship that we'll never be able to enjoy the same friendship that we had before, and that she might not even be able to be just friends with me considering how strong her feelings are for me. The last thing I want to do is jeopardize our friendship, but I don't know if that's possible while remaining honest to myself.

What do you think I should do?

[CrazyCanuck]

It's hard to do but probably the best thing you can do for both you and your girlfriend is sit down and have a totally honest conversation with her. Tell her how you feel about your relationship, about the whole sexual side of things and all that fun stuff. Who knows, she might surprise you and be totally understanding and accepting. There's no reason why you shouldn't be able to keep being friends at the least.

OK, I probably shouldn't be offering advice because I have no experience with this kind of thing so if this is totally off base, just disregard, all right?

Good luck, mate! Hope things work out for you.

[cait]

Yeah, be absolutely honest. I figure being absolutely honest is the best way to go even though there might be negative concequences, I think the pros of being honest usually outway the cons though. My last relationship was kind of like that too. I found I really had very little interest in being physical, and I didn't want to break it off because I knew that he probably wouldn't want to keep the friendship or whatever. Well eventually he broke it off, probably because I was pushing away because of the physical aspect, and I felt like we were really just like friends the whole time, but I guess now that there is nothing more in it for him he doesn't want to maintain such a strong friendship or something. He totally pushed away from me now. But I mean, I'd rather that than being in the relationship situation. I figure...maybe...he'll warm back up as a friend, or maybe...I don't know...if a person doesn't want to be your friend maybe their friendship isn't worth it.

Anyway, it actually kind of pisses me off deep down that he hardly talks to me, I feel betrayed in some way...though I was probably betraying him during the relationship, though I had no idea.

Erm, but this is sounding a bit negative. Hopefully you can still be friends though.

[Obsidian]

Hey xerxez, :D

Yeah, I guess the best thing, like the others said is to sit down and chat about it.

I honestly try and avoid things like this (and yes I know it's not good) because I'm one of those people who don't like confrontation, so I found it easier to either type out my feelings on an e-mail, or chat over the phone. Not that that's the best way, but if you're like me it might make it easier.

I was kinda in the same situation, and I know how difficullt it is. I was really good friends with this guy who was really sexual. He started wanting more. It's hard when things start going along that sexual path, and you don't want to lose the friendship. Then, when you say it's not working, it's hard to get back to being 'just friends' when you've been really close and with the kissing and such.

When this happened though, even when I was able to get back to the 'friends' situation it still seemed to me that there was this 'hole' or distance between us, like our friendship wasn't the same. He wasn't too impressed either.

It's also hard when you're constantly running into each other, like if you're out at the same places a lot, and initially I found it kinda awkward, because it seemed like nothing had changed between us. So, I kinda had to make sure other people were around when I was with him, to make sure it was 'just friends'.

So yeah, sorry it probably sounds really confusing.

Good friendships these days are really hard to find. I know how hard it is because you don't want to spoil it. But you should probably say something before you seem to get in too deep, and you pass the point of no return, where it's even too awkward to just be friends.

Anyway, I've rambled enough. All the best :D

[pejoratist]

Communication. Communication. Communication.

Tell her that you are asexual. Or, at the very least, tell her how you feel- you aren't a big fan of the touchy-feely-sexy stuff, but that you REALLY value her and the closeness you that you two share. It's not fair to either of you for this issue to be tormenting you silently- she has a right to know where her signifigant other stands on the relationship, and you deserve to have an understanding partner.

[alucard]

It might have been mentioned but... have a talk with her :!:

[Rose_and_Thorn]

have to agree with the concensus here. Emotional relationships are based largely on trust and the ability to share experiences with each other. If you string her along with the idea that you like the direction things are heading then you're setting her up to be angry and hurt by you down the line when she finds out it was never really what you were after.

Give her a chance to love who you are. The real you makes an appearence eventually.

2 cents from the new guy.