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Nezumi

Could a sexual person tell me why the lack of sex affects them?

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Synergy

I have panic attacks. Someone explained to me that the chemicals I produce during an attack are the same as a person makes when they are bungee-jumping, except that they interpret those feelings as pleasurable and I interpret them as a threat.

I guess it could be the same with asexuality.

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Wineblood

It's possible those hormones only kick into production in response to an active and enjoyable sex life; we have it, we like it, our brain goes, "Wheeeeeeee!" and starts cranking out juice to make us want more.

Whenever I ponder why sexuals are so focused on sex, that's the explanation that pops into my head. But to me that sounds exactly like what happens in cases of drug addiction. Not to derail this fine thread, but is that how it feels to sexuals? A high when they get it and withdrawl symptoms when they don't?

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Pamcakes

It's possible those hormones only kick into production in response to an active and enjoyable sex life; we have it, we like it, our brain goes, "Wheeeeeeee!" and starts cranking out juice to make us want more.

Whenever I ponder why sexuals are so focused on sex, that's the explanation that pops into my head. But to me that sounds exactly like what happens in cases of drug addiction. Not to derail this fine thread, but is that how it feels to sexuals? A high when they get it and withdrawl symptoms when they don't?

It's more likely the other way around, actually. Especially since the measure for drug enjoyment seems to be "as good as sex" or "better than sex".

P.

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Sleeping Beauty

A friend of mine suggested once that I had more sex to be less depressed, assuming I was depressed because of not having sex so I suppose it's true that it works on your hormones and makes you happy (it could be rude but he was doing it for my sake without considering the problem might have been different - as it actually was). My personal history is not of this kind of depression but I hope I could put some positive things like this on the list of reasons why I should try to compromise with the possible sexual SO I'm going to spend my life with. But it must be something that works independently from the reasons why you are having sex (of course I'm referring to consensual sex). Should I write it down? :P

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Maleficent

So, my husband didn't get sex for maybe two and half weeks from me. And he got horribly depressed and was constantly in a bad mood or angry. Not really at me, but at the world. Neither of us knew why he was depressed. He thought that it was stress and that he would be fine without sex.

One night when I was ok with the idea, we did have sex, and the next morning he was all bright and cheerful. No signs that he had even been depressed at all. He kissed me on the cheek, told me that sex fixed everything, and headed off to classes.

And I kinda left thinking.....what?!?

So, could a sexual or two explain why sex means so much to you in a relationship. And why you guys get depressed over not having it? Cause I'm really really confused.

I'm new in this community, so this is my first post as an heterosexual woman in an asexy world.

I'll try to explain what sex means for a man or a woman who are sexually attracted.

Sex to me is the fusion with the person I love or I'm attracted to, it's the way to become a unity, to breath at the same moment, to feel with the same skin. So, the lack of sex makas me sad because I feel to be far from my lover or a little bit incomplete.

Of course this is not the only reason for being sad without sex, because you've to keep in mind the chemical aspect of hormones but... I think that it's similar (more or less) to the lack of romanticism for a romantic person. It's not unbearable, but it makes you feel kind of depressed.

I hope to have been of some help.

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Tepris

Let me throw a couple things out from my own perspective:

For me, it's not so much the lack of sex but the lack of physical reciprocation that bothers me. I mean, I can deal with becoming aroused perfectly fine on my own, but when I go up to my partner and try to initiate anything she'll either ignore it or, if she does react, makes it fairly clear that she's bored and really not getting much out of it. She does have sex with me sometimes to compromise but again she really isn't into it at all.

Sex, or at least sexual release, is one of the most intense pleasurable sensations most people will experience. I'm not necessarily saying it's among the best -- but the most intense.

Also, there's another thing that affects males a lot more than females -- in social circles of sexual males, going without sex for long periods of time is a grounds for being mocked, or worse, having your value to the group implicitly lessened. That's one reason why you see a lot of guys start to become depressed at their lack of sex -- because it actually affects them socially. I mean, I know a lot of you are now thinking "This is shallow; you're delusional!" but I post on several large boards that are comprised of mostly hetero males and if you pay attention you will see this happen all the time. I guarantee if I posted on the biggest forum that I'm in a 3+ year relationship and haven't had sex in a month and a half I'd get a pretty even split of "why don't you just dump her/cheat?" and "I would not consider this a relationship at all and you are being used emotionally" with practically no one who'd actually support my situation. Again, it's very shallow but that's how the world works, I'm afraid.

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Pamcakes

Tepris, I wouldn't deny this happens, but if it happens to you a lot, I would say you are associating with the wrong sector.

There are guys who don't hold these views or behave like that, and you deserve them for friends.

*hugs*

P.

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Samael

Hmm, it's most probably the truth what you speak of, Tepris, that most heterosexual males will look down on you if you are not sexually active. Still, I wonder why tell them your situation in the first place, considering how narrow-minded so many people can be? What good can come out of it?

You said that lack of sexual activity causes sexual people depression largely due to the social stigma of not "getting any". To avoid the depression, simply don't inform the many idiots of your real situation? Or as Pamcakes said, simply change your circle of friends to people who are not enslaved to society's expectations? Maybe I'm missing something here :D

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Stirred

How is telling him to change friends any different from those friends telling him to change partners?

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Tepris

Tepris, I wouldn't deny this happens, but if it happens to you a lot, I would say you are associating with the wrong sector.

There are guys who don't hold these views or behave like that, and you deserve them for friends.

*hugs*

P.

Most of them aren't my friends, actually. The forum I refer to is for a hobby I have which can be quite profitable if you are good at it, and I mainly talk to them about how to get better at it.

Hmm, it's most probably the truth what you speak of, Tepris, that most heterosexual males will look down on you if you are not sexually active. Still, I wonder why tell them your situation in the first place, considering how narrow-minded so many people can be? What good can come out of it?

Short answer: I don't.

You said that lack of sexual activity causes sexual people depression largely due to the social stigma of not "getting any". To avoid the depression, simply don't inform the many idiots of your real situation? Or as Pamcakes said, simply change your circle of friends to people who are not enslaved to society's expectations? Maybe I'm missing something here :D

This is a much, much higher percent of hetero males than you think. My friends are not like this at all, but it's very prevalent.

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hmnut

Tepris speaks the truth.

I really can not go into the whole sociological, psychological and biological reasons why it is true, but it is. Long story short, humans have not evolved that much socially from what we were during the Paleolithic age (early cave men)

Here is an example of belonging to a male social circle (pack) vs female social circle (pack). Let's say you go to a party and you have too many drinks, and you end up having a one night stand with a person you don't even know. It is the next morning and you are meeting with your friends and they ask you how was the party.

If you are male, the one night stand is something to brag about, it is points, it is something to get a high five over and pats on the back, your fellow pack members have to tip their hats to you as a show of respect for you accomplished something of note. And of course the hotter the girl the bigger the accomplishment.

If you are female, it is a mix bag, but generally NOT something to brag about, at best it is something "that just happened," at best it is something you justify as no big deal, at worst it is something that you deny. Even if he is super hot, having a one night stand with him is never seen as a badge of honor.

It is the exact same action but within the packs of males and females it is treated differently.

The point is for a male dating an AVEN, it has all the typical problems of dating an AVEN plus some additional ones because of how it affects his status within his pack.

Now I understand why people say "Oh well you don't have to tell them about your situation" or "You should find a new circle of friends" and while these are options, they are not solutions, but rather problems (or part of the problem).

Yes he could lie or leave the pack, but the simple fact that he has to do that IS the problem, the addition of the girlfriend is suppose to help his standing in the pack and now it is either going to lower his standing or cost him his position.

And the most important thing to remember he is not an outsider of the pack, he is a member. For better or worst he is apart of it and it is apart of him. He chooses it and they choose him. If he decides a girl is more important than the pack, then that girl has to offer him a lot. Usually a man will ONLY choose such a girl over the pack if he is going to marry her, ie he is going to form a brand new pack with her that trumps all other packs.

In short Tepris is right.

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under_the_radar

Tepris is entirely right, as a military spouse I'd say he is downplaying the social implications placed on men who just aren't vocal about "getting some while drunk in strange place X, Y, and Z, 3 times a day" from my observations and husband's rants. Those values that are drilled into heads through peers, the media, even fashion design are enough to take a toll on any person.

A lack of sex is not the only thing that can effect a sexual, with males especially a lack of showing boastfulness about *shudders* conquests and deviance is enough all by itself to cause social ridicule. It's actually painful for me to watch and hear about, partially the reason I'm here on these boards because I've never felt so attacked by mainstream society in my life. :mad:

I don't know how much the psychological and sociological aspect actually effects a sexual person, it probably makes lacking the act or release worse, but of course I have no idea first hand. :unsure:

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Beenthere

There are varying degrees of need for sex among sexuals, but the need is real for us. Just on the purely sexual level, sure, (that's what makes us sexuals. Our bodies and brains "go there") but all the more so in a relationship.

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Samael
Now I understand why people say "Oh well you don't have to tell them about your situation" or "You should find a new circle of friends" and while these are options, they are not solutions, but rather problems (or part of the problem).

Yes he could lie or leave the pack, but the simple fact that he has to do that IS the problem, the addition of the girlfriend is suppose to help his standing in the pack and now it is either going to lower his standing or cost him his position.

Well, I agree with that fascinating theory of social behaviour you have there. But, in my view I didn't encourage to out right lie, simply to not answer every question every flaming person would have, because most people in the general public are incapable of understanding points of views that they don't share.

Sure, my opinion is affected by my own attitude towards society anyway: I'm a person who is not into this "pack" mentality, never sought the acceptance of others and I've always managed just fine on my own. However, if you're a person who is highly social and craves nothing more than social acceptance, then indeed there might be a conflict of interests - that is, worrying what actions affect your social value or standing/position positively or negatively.

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NamTar

Well, I agree with that fascinating theory of social behaviour you have there. But, in my view I didn't encourage to out right lie, simply to not answer every question every flaming person would have, because most people in the general public are incapable of understanding points of views that they don't share.

Sure, my opinion is affected by my own attitude towards society anyway: I'm a person who is not into this "pack" mentality, never sought the acceptance of others and I've always managed just fine on my own. However, if you're a person who is highly social and craves nothing more than social acceptance, then indeed there might be a conflict of interests - that is, worrying what actions affect your social value or standing/position positively or negatively.

Agreed.

I think if you want to remain a member of the "pack," as an asexual, you are going to have to make compromises. That doesn't necessarily mean lying, but I think being overly vocal about one's asexuality is going to alienate a person and give them difficulties. People handle that differently, and it's possible to be loudly asexual and still have sexual friends, but because people don't usually understand asexuality, there will always be at least some confusion there. Personally, I choose to just avoid people most of the time, because I am happy not being a part of any "pack." I'd rather lose friends or change friends than put up with people who are arseholes to me about being asexual.

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------

I really like this question and the replies.

I must state my view that I am also enjoying this thread.

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Nick_

good points regarding the pack mentality.

what I think it interesting is how I rarely ever see it offline.

observing people here is a mind****

YET I actually, for the first time in years, have a classmate who comes out

with weird stuff every time he opens his mouth. "I got wasted last night" "I'd like

to ****punch (never heard that term) that teacher", "man, I'd do that girl!".

but he's one in ... a hundred? 2 hundred? 5 hundred?

I really enjoy seeing patterns of behaviour with people. It's incredibly interesting.

Rights of passage, boasting, conforming to non-comformist ways, pack mentality...etc.

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The Werewolf

I agree with alot here. I believe that to some asexuals some times it seems as just a basic "oh he is barbaric and just wants sex" but it is more then that it is pressure not just from our own innate being but also just about every aspect in our life. I really would like to see more asexual value the partners that make such great sacrifices for them see that as such. they are doing major thing to be with said person and sadly some people only sees it as " good he sacrificed a little of himself/herself for me." It is more like fighting all of society and there beliefs to be with you fighting all the opposition to be with you. He is there for you standing by your side most of the time being battered from all sides. Not to say that all asexuals dont notice this. I have met asexuals on here who understand it more then some of the sexuals going threw it. I dont ask that you change your ways or anything of the such just notice that they are fighting like hell for you.You mean alot to them. I know sacrifice comes from both sides i understand that but it is just that some people dont see all the sacrifice/compromise and fighting for the other person that happens. The pack analogy is a good one. It is funny because my best friend(who is an asexual) is writing a book called "The pack" i dont think she ever found out why i laughed at the title(It was becase i saw the asexual and sexual pack thing along time ago but never could find out how to tell her of the things that have been metioned on this boured). I am glad this bored is here and i am glad that I have found others who see it as i do. Thanks for some more info on the wourld and i thank the OP for such a great post.

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under_the_radar

I really would like to see more asexual value the partners that make such great sacrifices for them see that as such. they are doing major thing to be with said person and sadly some people only sees it as " good he sacrificed a little of himself/herself for me." It is more like fighting all of society and there beliefs to be with you fighting all the opposition to be with you. He is there for you standing by your side most of the time being battered from all sides. Not to say that all asexuals dont notice this. I have met asexuals on here who understand it more then some of the sexuals going threw it. I dont ask that you change your ways or anything of the such just notice that they are fighting like hell for you.You mean alot to them. I know sacrifice comes from both sides i understand that but it is just that some people dont see all the sacrifice/compromise and fighting for the other person that happens.

Beautiful statement, it gets down to the heart of what I focus on (and an understand/lack there of that pains me) in my marriage. I know he is fighting all fronts and cares a ton, while I have never understood why sex would be so crucial/political for anyone.

Appreciation and more efforts of understanding from both sides of the fence is crucial.

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Goonie

And the most important thing to remember he is not an outsider of the pack, he is a member. For better or worst he is apart of it and it is apart of him. He chooses it and they choose him. If he decides a girl is more important than the pack, then that girl has to offer him a lot. Usually a man will ONLY choose such a girl over the pack if he is going to marry her, ie he is going to form a brand new pack with her that trumps all other packs.

This actually gives insight into something I guessed at and kinda knew. Glad to see someone else mention it.

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Baroness Peron

The "frustrated and irritable" question is interesting. I don't feel this way in relation to lack of sex, but I do feel that way when I don't get enough emotional fulfillment from the people that I'm close to. If I'm at odds with my best friend, or if he's just not being attentive enough, I get very depressed, moody, and frustrated, similar to what's being described in regards to lack of sex. While I think the hormone buildup has something to do with it too, I also think that it's an issue of being emotionally fulfilled in different ways. It makes sense then that people who find sex to be emotionally fulfilling would feel the same way without it as I do without contact with my bff.

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mylittlehazmat

Sometimes, pent up sexual desires get to the point where they seriously interfere with sleep. That sucks. Masturbation works, but it's like being hungry and then eating unflavoured porridge - it'll help, you can live off it (depending which grain you use), but it won't really satisfy. Maybe you can deal with the cravings, but there'll still be this nagging gross feeling the longer it goes. Eating the porridge might become even less appetizing than going without entirely... but you'll probably still be able to get by.

So imagine living off unflavoured porridge for what feels like ages, and FINALLY you get a three-course dinner.

How do you feel afterward?

Which leads me to the question: how do these starved sexuals who need to scratch this itch (or eat this three-course dinner) ... how do they survive when /not/ in a relationship? The amount of single sexuals in the world does not equal those who are depressed, angry and frustrated. How do they deal while alone if they don't deal very well when in a relationship?

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SINDY

Hello everyone,

I thought I'd share my experience of living with an asexual and how lack of sex affects me.

Firstly i should add I've been with my partner for 17 years, he's a wonderful man, caring, kind, funny and supportive however we haven't had sex in so long , perhaps a couple of year, with one failed attempt the beginning of this year.

At first his lack of sexual interest worried me, he was kind of sexual when we were dating and before we set up home together but always found excuses not o be intimate. He's not affectionate although sometimes hugs me but we never kiss, touch etc.

anyways I'm rambling, so how does the lack of sex makes me feel, to be blunt worthless. I feel totally frustrated and unloved and ultimately rejected, no matter how many years pass i still feel the same if we get intimate cuddling etc and i think we may move on to some sort of sexual intimacy only to be pushed away or told he doesn't want to or just wants to hug. I try not to show my hurt and tears but ultimately i have a permanent ache in my heart that he doesn't want to show his love through sex.

He says he doesn't need to have sex, never feels the need to have sexual release/relief and that he loves me deeply. I accept sex isn't what he's about and is something he doesn't need but i often wish he would accept sex is something i need and would accept my sexuality is part of me. He is wonderful man and he does try now and then to show love through sex but i feel awful as he obviously doesn't like it or at least doesn't feel the need for it.

My only regret is he wasn't honest when we started dating, I would never have allowed myself to fallin love with him knowing the hurt i feel and worthlessness i feel on a daily basis because of his asexuality.

should have answered this why id affects me - because i love him, becasue i'm sexually attracted to him and want to show my love in a physical way!

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Pamcakes

Which leads me to the question: how do these starved sexuals who need to scratch this itch (or eat this three-course dinner) ... how do they survive when /not/ in a relationship? The amount of single sexuals in the world does not equal those who are depressed, angry and frustrated. How do they deal while alone if they don't deal very well when in a relationship?

Simple answer? Because it's worse in a relationship. It's the emotional part missing that's the biggest problem, and it's not an issue when you're not in love. No-one desires emotional intimacy with their hand, or a one night stand, which is why those things are fine when they're all you have, but if you actually have someone you love, you want the emotional part, too. Which makes the wanting of the physical so much more painful, as it ties up with emotion.

P.

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test account

No.

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NamTar

Which leads me to the question: how do these starved sexuals who need to scratch this itch (or eat this three-course dinner) ... how do they survive when /not/ in a relationship? The amount of single sexuals in the world does not equal those who are depressed, angry and frustrated. How do they deal while alone if they don't deal very well when in a relationship?

Simple answer? Because it's worse in a relationship. It's the emotional part missing that's the biggest problem, and it's not an issue when you're not in love. No-one desires emotional intimacy with their hand, or a one night stand, which is why those things are fine when they're all you have, but if you actually have someone you love, you want the emotional part, too. Which makes the wanting of the physical so much more painful, as it ties up with emotion.

P.

That, and I've read studies on the way being in a relationship affects the chemicals in your brain, I forget which ones, but that when a relationship is new and exciting, all this stuff is going on in your brain and body due to it, in way, like being high on the infatuation part of it. And then the person has these highs and lows and wants to connect with the person sexually or emotionally or whatever.

A person not in a relationship is less affected by all that. There isn't a specific person that they are really desiring sex with that they are emotionally bonded to (they could crushes or something, but if they're single, they may not expect to have sex with anyone right then).

I'm aromantic, but I can somewhat understand that people in romantic relationships who are sexual have an emotional need that is also involved in the sex.

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Samael
My only regret is he wasn't honest when we started dating, I would never have allowed myself to fallin love with him knowing the hurt i feel and worthlessness i feel on a daily basis because of his asexuality.

There are a great many aspects to sexual people's desires I can't even begin to comprehend. One of the biggest bewilderments for me is why some sexual people report feelings of worthlessness when their asexual partner doesn't desire them sexually. They somehow feel hurt if another person doesn't want to have sex with them? Doesn't that equate to self-esteem problems or something? (That is, in order to feel hurt by someone you'd have to have a darn low self-esteem)

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NamTar

There are a great many aspects to sexual people's desires I can't even begin to comprehend. One of the biggest bewilderments for me is why some sexual people report feelings of worthlessness when their asexual partner doesn't desire them sexually. They somehow feel hurt if another person doesn't want to have sex with them? Doesn't that equate to self-esteem problems or something? (That is, in order to feel hurt by someone you'd have to have a darn low self-esteem)

I think it's that, in that situation, they feel emotionally and sexually attracted to the other person, and expect all of that to be reciprocated. It's a misunderstanding, and probably partly believing asexuals don't exist, too. If their partner doesn't find them sexually attractive, they feel like there is something horribly wrong with them, i think; that if they were doing everything right, the other person should find them sexually appealing as well.

I think part of it may be society, as well; people are indoctrinated into thinking everyone is sexual, that sex is "the best part of life" (I heard that phrase in a commercial last night for an erectile-dysfunction drug, it may be true for some,but not all), and that there is basically nothing more important than being seen as sexually desirable. Some people base their entire self-worth on that. If someone you desire sexually doesn't reciprocate, it could be a huge blow to the self-esteem.

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Samael

There are a great many aspects to sexual people's desires I can't even begin to comprehend. One of the biggest bewilderments for me is why some sexual people report feelings of worthlessness when their asexual partner doesn't desire them sexually. They somehow feel hurt if another person doesn't want to have sex with them? Doesn't that equate to self-esteem problems or something? (That is, in order to feel hurt by someone you'd have to have a darn low self-esteem)

I think it's that, in that situation, they feel emotionally and sexually attracted to the other person, and expect all of that to be reciprocated. It's a misunderstanding, and probably partly believing asexuals don't exist, too. If their partner doesn't find them sexually attractive, they feel like there is something horribly wrong with them, i think; that if they were doing everything right, the other person should find them sexually appealing as well.

I think part of it may be society, as well; people are indoctrinated into thinking everyone is sexual, that sex is "the best part of life" (I heard that phrase in a commercial last night for an erectile-dysfunction drug, it may be true for some,but not all), and that there is basically nothing more important than being seen as sexually desirable. Some people base their entire self-worth on that. If someone you desire sexually doesn't reciprocate, it could be a huge blow to the self-esteem.

Oh, I see your point. Because people assume everyone is just like they are, they take the partner's refusal to have sex with them as a personal offence against them. Most interesting... It explains why it would have some effect on their self-esteem. In the end, all of this seems to revolve around missunderstanding though.

Yet, you said if the sexual is doing "everything right, the other person should find them sexually appealing as well". Even after "doing everything right" there is no mutual sexual attraction, the sexual person would feel there's something horribly wrong with them. Hmm, personally I would completely understand if there were feelings of disappointment, but I can't understand if there is not only that, but horrendous feelings of personal incompetence as well. That, in my opinion, speaks of child-like insecurity and low self-esteem.

Am I correct or maybe totally wrong?

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Lucinda
There are a great many aspects to sexual people's desires I can't even begin to comprehend. One of the biggest bewilderments for me is why some sexual people report feelings of worthlessness when their asexual partner doesn't desire them sexually. They somehow feel hurt if another person doesn't want to have sex with them? Doesn't that equate to self-esteem problems or something? (That is, in order to feel hurt by someone you'd have to have a darn low self-esteem)

I've wondered this too, Samael, and have even brought it up in conversations.

Some people may want to explore whether they had self-esteem issues even before entering the relationship and hoped that the relationship and sex would help their issues or at least be a distraction from them.

Others may have heard society's external noise that your self-worth is measured by your sex appeal. If one takes that to heart, then it is possible that they could certainly feel worthless if they feel sexually undesirable.

People I have talked to have heard those sorts of messages but don't give them any credence. They believe these messages are promoted by advertisers and pharmaceutical companies to make people spend money in order to live up to one standard. They create a problem and convince you that you have the problem and then offer a solution which will benefit them monetarily.

It may be worthwhile for individuals to explore their self-esteem and self-worth issues and determine exactly where they are coming from. Blaming another adult as an adult may be an easy route, but exactly how helpful will that be to you?

And exactly how much damage do you feel comfortable imposing on another because you yourself are spiraling downward? How many people have admitted insisting that their partner go to the doctor to get drugs to supposedly make them want sex? And does any drug actually create desire for partnered sex out of the blue? They want their partner to take drugs prescribed for a physical condition they don't even have without regard to the possible negative side effects. And this is all in the name of "love"?

And exactly how much damage do you feel comfortable imposing on yourself and blaming it on another? Replacing food for sex to the point of obesity? The only person responsible for this problem is the over-eater themselves. Any good doctor or dietitian will tell you that unless you own your own problems, then you won't actively take part in the solution.

This is not an asexual-sexual problem. This is not even a sexual people problem. This is a problem some people have who rely on their sense of self as reflected through the eyes of others. They depend on others for validation and they depend on others to shoulder the blame for their personal problems.

Lucinda

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