Jump to content

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Nezumi

Could a sexual person tell me why the lack of sex affects them?

Recommended Posts

Nezumi

So, my husband didn't get sex for maybe two and half weeks from me. And he got horribly depressed and was constantly in a bad mood or angry. Not really at me, but at the world. Neither of us knew why he was depressed. He thought that it was stress and that he would be fine without sex.

One night when I was ok with the idea, we did have sex, and the next morning he was all bright and cheerful. No signs that he had even been depressed at all. He kissed me on the cheek, told me that sex fixed everything, and headed off to classes.

And I kinda left thinking.....what?!?

So, could a sexual or two explain why sex means so much to you in a relationship. And why you guys get depressed over not having it? Cause I'm really really confused.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alwaysloveher

I will try to shed a little light on this for you, though I don't know exactly how much i can because i am demisexual rather than just sexual. To me, sex is a physical manifestation of an emotional connection. When me and my SO are joined in such a rhythmic way, it feels as if we are both living off of the same heartbeat, breathing the same breath. Like we are forever connected and nothing could tear us apart. The getting depressed without it due to the longing to feel that connection, and not getting it. That is the hard part about being with an asexual partner. And just "getting sex" won't always fill that hole if you with an asexual partner, because while I may feel the longing for this strong of a connection, i know in the back of my mind that she does not. In a normal sexual relationship, both partners will feel this longing, and both will try to initiate that connection. In a sexual/asexual relationship, only the sexual tries to initiate that connection. I guess this is where i count myself lucky, through years of having medication shoved down my throat for ADHD/OCD (which it turns out I don't even have) I have developed the ability to successfully mask and forget about most depressions. Again this may just be how I feel. I can't speak for anyone else.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Goonie

Sex is known to release dopamine. As does other things. But that might be one reason for the bright and cheerful the next morning.

It is possible for sex to release stress. It depends on the person.

I tend to get rather cranky I guess when I haven't had sex in a while (god bless my new roomie who is going to have to live with me). I think part of it is the chemical releases but there is definitely a connection that can be made that helps fill a void. Like sex for sex is different than sex that means something. I haven't put my finger on it, aside from it being an awesome bonding thing though. I'll see what I can come up with to help.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pamcakes

It is both a physical release - it alleviates a buildup of hormones that, unreleased, cause a general sensation of frustration and irritability - and an emotional one, as it causes the Sexual to feel closer to their partner, loved and cherished in a very real and immediate fashion. Given that being in a relationship is hard enough when everything's compatible and (as a Sexual) one is having regular, good sex, just imagine how much worse all those little moments of disconnect or irritation get if you are not having the sex you want/need to feel maximumally connected.

Does that make sense?

P.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
sonofzeal

Sometimes, pent up sexual desires get to the point where they seriously interfere with sleep. That sucks. Masturbation works, but it's like being hungry and then eating unflavoured porridge - it'll help, you can live off it (depending which grain you use), but it won't really satisfy. Maybe you can deal with the cravings, but there'll still be this nagging gross feeling the longer it goes. Eating the porridge might become even less appetizing than going without entirely... but you'll probably still be able to get by.

So imagine living off unflavoured porridge for what feels like ages, and FINALLY you get a three-course dinner.

How do you feel afterward?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vogue

I just wanted to say this thread was really illuminating...thank you for your thoughts, it helped me as well, as someone without a sex drive...but if you don't have a partner/aren't in a relationship, do you *still* feel the same hunger for sex? Will you just have one-night stands to relieve it then?

In a way I may be fortunate not to have that 'problem' or irritation of wanting/needing sex, but in another way, I do get severely depressed at times without adequate emotional intimacy in my life as well...for me, I guess not having regular sex would be like not having friends or a crush around...for me, as long as I have friends and fun nights out, and feel wanted, that's enough for me..I have simple needs...;) but I do find my needs for intimacy growing stronger lately, mainly because I haven't been on a date in a long time and feel a lack of excitement in my life

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nick_

So, my husband didn't get sex for maybe two and half weeks from me. And he got horribly depressed and was constantly in a bad mood or angry.

One night when I was ok with the idea, we did have sex, and the next morning he was all bright and cheerful.

And I kinda left thinking.....what?!?

So, could a sexual or two explain why sex means so much to you in a relationship. And why you guys get depressed over not having it? Cause I'm really really confused.

Sex doesn't mean "so much" but enough to yeah, depress me if I don't have it for a period of time.

For me I get a bit down in the dumps because I want to be close, to feel her whole body, skin to skin.

It's missing being that close that makes me down. It's basically like missing her. Make sense?

...but if you don't have a partner/aren't in a relationship, do you *still* feel the same hunger for sex? Will you just have one-night stands to relieve it then?

No, I don't have the same hunger...it's not like I am around someone all the time so the

need isn't as bad. But it's still there.

Yes, I'll have a one night stand to 'relieve it' if I'm so inclined. Craigslist offers up all sorts

of fun times pretty easily. No strings, nothing binding me to another, just a good time, good conversation

and so on. I can't do the 'friends with benefits' crap. I don't like to complicate relationships.

In a way I may be fortunate not to have that 'problem' or irritation of wanting/needing sex, but in another way, I do get severely depressed at times without adequate emotional intimacy in my life as well...for me, I guess not having regular sex would be like not having friends or a crush around...for me, as long as I have friends and fun nights out, and feel wanted, that's enough for me..I have simple needs...;) but I do find my needs for intimacy growing stronger lately, mainly because I haven't been on a date in a long time and feel a lack of excitement in my life

I hear you on that. Lack of excitement, crushing and just having some good times outside of friends can

make me feel lost/sad/unfulfilled. I'm not nearly as bad as I was when younger. This.is.a.very.good.thing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stirred

If he is interested in sex and you aren't it could make him feel alone. He may wish for you to feel about him how he feels about you. Without it he'll feel isolated and have no support. Now it's only him vs. the world. No amount of words from his woman would compare to one night of sex. Without that connection he's not going to have reason to have and share joy because he wants to share everything with you first and foremost.

He doesn't want you to think sex is the only reason he loves you but he still needs it. If you're married find out about his masturbation habits in detail. If you care about that he'll feel like you care more about him.

By making sex only about when you're willing you are the center of your world without him--he's just the moon waiting for an eclipse. Very depressing for the moon although the earth is still happy the moon is orbiting her.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vogue

Without it he'll feel isolated and have no support. Now it's only him vs. the world. No amount of words from his woman would compare to one night of sex.

umm is it REALLY that bad?? "isolated without support"... what if you kiss, cuddle, caress, hold each other... none of that foreplay matters? it's all about the dirty deed? come on......guys really annoy me at times. :angry: We can have all the intellectual, emotional and physical connection in the world, but if they don't have sex regularly, is that really a reason to feel 'isolated & alone' despite other forms of 'play'?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nick_

Without it he'll feel isolated and have no support. Now it's only him vs. the world. No amount of words from his woman would compare to one night of sex.

umm is it REALLY that bad?? "isolated without support"... what if you kiss, cuddle, caress, hold each other... none of that foreplay matters? it's all about the dirty deed? come on......guys really annoy me at times. :angry: We can have all the intellectual, emotional and physical connection in the world, but if they don't have sex regularly, is that really a reason to feel 'isolated & alone' despite other forms of 'play'?

dirty deed? Uhmm...I can't relate what's being discussed to it being like that. It's a matter of the heart and love...not

the end result even tho' the end result can be worded (cheapened in this regard) to the words

you said. I get what Stirred is saying and agree - no amount of words can get near the result as making love

to the woman you adore and want to be close to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Alan Degas

... If you're married find out about his masturbation habits in detail. If you care about that he'll feel like you care more about him.

lolwut?

Good thing I'm an inquisitive person then!!! *shot*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stirred

Sex is everywhere. We are told to feel special that we need these things. Unless you can prove to a guy who still believes this that it doesn't matter he won't see it.

He'll only see what is forced upon him from every direction. Instead of telling a guy you don't want sex you should be pointing out how stupid sexual advertisement is so he isn't distracted by girls in bikinis. The men are victims of consumerism as women are victims of victims. It isn't his fault if cuddling isn't enough. Don't point fingers.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stirred

... If you're married find out about his masturbation habits in detail. If you care about that he'll feel like you care more about him.

lolwut?

Good thing I'm an inquisitive person then!!! *shot*

For instance if a guy said he liked Asian women--a girl not interested in sex could hide a picture of Bai Ling in a bikini with a note saying she(his partner) loves him. He'd feel that the woman accepted his sexual interests even if she didn't want intercourse.

Continuing the scenario maybe he'd feel better if you'd stay with him while he looked at naked Asian women while he masturbated. He'd still love you but and get his sexual frustration out with your help and you wouldn't have to do the act. ^_^

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vogue

Without it he'll feel isolated and have no support. Now it's only him vs. the world. No amount of words from his woman would compare to one night of sex.

umm is it REALLY that bad?? "isolated without support"... what if you kiss, cuddle, caress, hold each other... none of that foreplay matters? it's all about the dirty deed? come on......guys really annoy me at times. :angry: We can have all the intellectual, emotional and physical connection in the world, but if they don't have sex regularly, is that really a reason to feel 'isolated & alone' despite other forms of 'play'?

dirty deed? Uhmm...I can't relate what's being discussed to it being like that. It's a matter of the heart and love...not

the end result even tho' the end result can be worded (cheapened in this regard) to the words

you said. I get what Stirred is saying and agree - no amount of words can get near the result as making love

to the woman you adore and want to be close to.

'dirty deed' is a colloquial term for 'sex'... call it what you want, i was writing in an editorial type of fashion, not formally. and to many people, it's not about 'making love' - they still need it even in the context of a relationship, but even if you don't feel love...

i just think sex is give too much emphasis if it's the sole binding force of a relationship... "no amount of words can get near the result as making love to the woman you adore and want to be close to."

I guess it's tough for me to empathize as I've never felt it... i understand what you're saying, i just think the force of a relationship shouldn't really be defind by sex, but i guess sexuals disagree.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nick_

Without it he'll feel isolated and have no support. Now it's only him vs. the world. No amount of words from his woman would compare to one night of sex.

umm is it REALLY that bad?? "isolated without support"... what if you kiss, cuddle, caress, hold each other... none of that foreplay matters? it's all about the dirty deed? come on......guys really annoy me at times. :angry: We can have all the intellectual, emotional and physical connection in the world, but if they don't have sex regularly, is that really a reason to feel 'isolated & alone' despite other forms of 'play'?

dirty deed? Uhmm...I can't relate what's being discussed to it being like that. It's a matter of the heart and love...not

the end result even tho' the end result can be worded (cheapened in this regard) to the words

you said. I get what Stirred is saying and agree - no amount of words can get near the result as making love

to the woman you adore and want to be close to.

'dirty deed' is a colloquial term for 'sex'... call it what you want, i was writing in an editorial type of fashion, not formally. and to many people, it's not about 'making love' - they still need it even in the context of a relationship, but even if you don't feel love...

i just think sex is give too much emphasis if it's the sole binding force of a relationship... "no amount of words can get near the result as making love to the woman you adore and want to be close to."

I guess it's tough for me to empathize as I've never felt it... i understand what you're saying, i just think the force of a relationship shouldn't really be defind by sex, but i guess sexuals disagree.

oh! You've never felt it. Got ya. :)

The best I can offer is the force of the relationship isn't defined by sex - for instance,

when with someone exclusively the sex part is only like 1% of the whole equation. All the other

things make it so wonderful. Sex is the icing on the cake (heh love that metaphor).

If sex is the sole binding part of the relationship...gaaa...somethings WRONG. <-- just the way

I am. Can't speak for the rest, obviously.

Maybe we're misunderstanding do to the extremes? Like, nothing I'm saying is meant to go

one whole way or the other. I'm sorry if I came across like that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stirred

Sex is important for a relationship such as OP describes because without it a man wouldn't need a relationship--he'd just hang out with his friends. If a guy and girl have everything in common but sexual interests it is a weak relationship. Why would the guy or girl need to be together? Guys can be with other guys and not deal with the pressure, girls can get emotional support with other girls.

I'm not sexual. Demi-sexual would be okay.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vogue

Without it he'll feel isolated and have no support. Now it's only him vs. the world. No amount of words from his woman would compare to one night of sex.

umm is it REALLY that bad?? "isolated without support"... what if you kiss, cuddle, caress, hold each other... none of that foreplay matters? it's all about the dirty deed? come on......guys really annoy me at times. :angry: We can have all the intellectual, emotional and physical connection in the world, but if they don't have sex regularly, is that really a reason to feel 'isolated & alone' despite other forms of 'play'?

dirty deed? Uhmm...I can't relate what's being discussed to it being like that. It's a matter of the heart and love...not

the end result even tho' the end result can be worded (cheapened in this regard) to the words

you said. I get what Stirred is saying and agree - no amount of words can get near the result as making love

to the woman you adore and want to be close to.

'dirty deed' is a colloquial term for 'sex'... call it what you want, i was writing in an editorial type of fashion, not formally. and to many people, it's not about 'making love' - they still need it even in the context of a relationship, but even if you don't feel love...

i just think sex is give too much emphasis if it's the sole binding force of a relationship... "no amount of words can get near the result as making love to the woman you adore and want to be close to."

I guess it's tough for me to empathize as I've never felt it... i understand what you're saying, i just think the force of a relationship shouldn't really be defind by sex, but i guess sexuals disagree.

oh! You've never felt it. Got ya. :)

The best I can offer is the force of the relationship isn't defined by sex - for instance,

when with someone exclusively the sex part is only like 1% of the whole equation. All the other

things make it so wonderful. Sex is the icing on the cake (heh love that metaphor).

If sex is the sole binding part of the relationship...gaaa...somethings WRONG. <-- just the way

I am. Can't speak for the rest, obviously.

Maybe we're misunderstanding do to the extremes? Like, nothing I'm saying is meant to go

one whole way or the other. I'm sorry if I came across like that.

It's ok.. :) so to continue your analogy, if you don't have the icing on the cake your relationship doesn't feel as good and you become unhappy.. gotcha. But to you, sex may only be 1% of the equation... I'd wager to bet with other sexuals, it's worth 60% or even more... (depending on the type & purpose of the relationship.. .if you're ONLY with the purpose for sex, then it's pretty much 100%.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vogue

Sex is important for a relationship such as OP describes because without it a man wouldn't need a relationship--he'd just hang out with his friends. If a guy and girl have everything in common but sexual interests it is a weak relationship. Why would the guy or girl need to be together? Guys can be with other guys and not deal with the pressure, girls can get emotional support with other girls.

I'm not sexual. Demi-sexual would be okay.

well... I agree, in a long-term relationship with a sexual person, NOT having sex would feel like a major deprivation. BUT for a short-term/fling... if you have sexual, physical & emotional chemistry between 2 people, and only ONE wants sex, but the other is agreeable to foreplay, oral sex... it may still work? It's MORE than just 'friendship' but less than intercourse... I know this, because I dated my boyfriend for 2 months and we never had sex, but were DEFINITELY more than friends, and both felt sexual attraction to each other... I just wasn't ready for sex yet, so that's why we never had it... and I broke it off before the relationship could get further.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stirred

I agree for short-term relationships. I didn't mean to make anyone think I was talking about them--they don't interest me either. I want a girl to really get to know me before getting physical. I don't want a girl wanting me just for what she may think I am now without knowing at all who I truly am--that would be just as bad as a guy dating a girl with no common interests to just have sex because she's hot.

Personally I could have a life long relationship with no actual intercourse if there was foreplay that could lead to oral sex. ^_^

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi =)

I completely agree with and love sonofzeal's analogy. And no, sometimes cuddles and kisses just aren't enough. They are like a handful of sunflower seeds; tastey and enjoyable, but still not enough to fully satisfy. And sometimes, the closeness and comfort of those (same with masturbating) just taunts and makes the desire even stronger and the lack of it even more painful, because what you really crave is sooo close and would be so easy, but still isn't available. The longer I go without that level of emotional and physical intimacy, thought/desire/hunger for it nags and distracts, more and more. I feel like a part of me is rejected, isolated and starving, becoming more and more desperate for some kind of satisfaction that masturbation and cuddling just can't provide. When it finally does come, it is wonderful, but can also be tinged with some sadness, like someone starving being given a nice meal, but they don't know when the next will come.

I love my husband very much and appreciate him for who he is and all he does. I understand that he can't help how he is and I respect that, but I can't help how I am either. His lack of desire, doesn't make mine any less valid or painful.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally

Having lived with/around sexuals most of my life, I don't think sex defines their relationships, any more than what asexuals want defines our lives. But if someone doesn't have one main thing they want in a relationship, having all the other things doesn't make up for that missing element. I think we asexuals should realize that sex to a sexual is not trivial, or the icing on the cake. It's an important factor in their relationships.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi =)

Having lived with/around sexuals most of my life, I don't think sex defines their relationships, any more than what asexuals want defines our lives. But if someone doesn't have one main thing they want in a relationship, having all the other things doesn't make up for that missing element. I think we asexuals should realize that sex to a sexual is not trivial, or the icing on the cake. It's an important factor in their relationships.

You are very perceptive and, from my perspective, absolutely correct. I just wanted to thank you for your understanding.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Samael

It is both a physical release - it alleviates a buildup of hormones that, unreleased, cause a general sensation of frustration and irritability - and an emotional one, as it causes the Sexual to feel closer to their partner, loved and cherished in a very real and immediate fashion. Given that being in a relationship is hard enough when everything's compatible and (as a Sexual) one is having regular, good sex, just imagine how much worse all those little moments of disconnect or irritation get if you are not having the sex you want/need to feel maximumally connected.

Does that make sense?

P.

Oh - dear.

If that statement is correct and accurate I salute the sexual people who are not "getting any".

You say that "It is both a physical release - it alleviates a buildup of hormones that, unreleased, cause a general sensation of frustration and irritability - and an emotional one, as it causes the Sexual to feel closer to their partner, loved and cherished in a very real and immediate fashion." I wonder, do asexual people too, in general, experience a sensation of frustration and irritability caused by unreleased hormones? Well, I've never felt sexual (nor romantic) attraction towards anyone and I've never really even masturbated and yet I can't say that I'd be frustrated or irritated, at all. I feel that I could live a hundred years without any human contact and I'd still be the very same person I am now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi =)

It is both a physical release - it alleviates a buildup of hormones that, unreleased, cause a general sensation of frustration and irritability - and an emotional one, as it causes the Sexual to feel closer to their partner, loved and cherished in a very real and immediate fashion. Given that being in a relationship is hard enough when everything's compatible and (as a Sexual) one is having regular, good sex, just imagine how much worse all those little moments of disconnect or irritation get if you are not having the sex you want/need to feel maximumally connected.

Does that make sense?

P.

Oh - dear.

If that statement is correct and accurate I salute the sexual people who are not "getting any".

You say that "It is both a physical release - it alleviates a buildup of hormones that, unreleased, cause a general sensation of frustration and irritability - and an emotional one, as it causes the Sexual to feel closer to their partner, loved and cherished in a very real and immediate fashion." I wonder, do asexual people too, in general, experience a sensation of frustration and irritability caused by unreleased hormones? Well, I've never felt sexual (nor romantic) attraction towards anyone and I've never really even masturbated and yet I can't say that I'd be frustrated or irritated, at all. I feel that I could live a hundred years without any human contact and I'd still be the very same person I am now.

First, as another sexual person I would agree that Pamcakes' statement is accurate (I actually agree pretty much 100% with about all of Pamcakes' posts that I have read). And yes, it can be a struggle, even when said person understands that their partners differing sexuality is not a personal thing.

Second, everybody and every body is different. It may be that your body just doesn't produce or process hormones the same way as more sexual people. And this may or may not have any bearing on your asexuality.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Samael

First, as another sexual person I would agree that Pamcakes' statement is accurate (I actually agree pretty much 100% with about all of Pamcakes' posts that I have read). And yes, it can be a struggle, even when said person understands that their partners differing sexuality is not a personal thing.

Second, everybody and every body is different. It may be that your body just doesn't produce or process hormones the same way as more sexual people. And this may or may not have any bearing on your asexuality.

Interesting, thank's for enlightening me. That will change my view of people quite radically. I thought it was a struggle only for the highly sexual people. Then again, that would imply that I was simply an anomaly. Oh well, I'm thankful for not having to suffer from such desires. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The Werewolf

Wow. Guys i agree with most of the statements in this form. This is a real problem that some married sexual couples do not even get. To hear so many different sexual orientations come to understand it is amazing. OP you have some great insight here. I hope you find it helpful. I also Just want to point out that there is alot of science behind it as well because it looks like we got the emotional and mental covered. With sexual s the reason we may get depressed is because we are an animal in nature and sex is of course how we reproduce. Our body's are designed to punish us if we do something wrong if we eat something bad it makes us sick to tell us to stop eating it. Well we as human beings were made to reproduce so when a man or a women go without sex it cases hormone imbalances in the brain and body and can even some times bring on pain. This is meant to further the human race as a hole and keep breeding going but do to today's society, we as humans have learned to avoid these desires if necessary and have learned to cope with it but it is as said before the closeness factor of it, the rhythm, the oneness that i believe gets most people feeling left out left alone because you become so attached to a person you can begin to feel as if you and the other can take on the world. The act of sex is more then just self indulgence i believe it is a union of souls, a combining of hearts. I think it has been described well in the form and hope that others find as much enlightenment as the people in this form . Of course i could be completely wrong. Just remember in all circumstances advice is only wort what you pay for it. I believe do to a close friend you should take all the advice you get and throw it into a blender and drink what is left.

I love this site.

oh and i used this form to help a sexual couple i know come to terms with things and understand what sex can mean to the other person . Thanks all for the replies and Op for great topic.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
newgirl

I really like this question and the replies.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Synergy
it alleviates a buildup of hormones that, unreleased, cause a general sensation of frustration and irritability

Does this mean that asexuals don't have these hormones?

I'm 50 and I've never once felt frustrated or irritable because I don't have sex.

In fact, in my confused youth I had sex a few times and that made me repulsed, cranky and weirded out.

I've wondered if there is a hormonal explanation for asexuality.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Olivier

Many people here have had their hormones tested and come back completely typical, including my partner.

Having said that I'm not sure about what range of hormones get tested in such tests. Presumably testosterone and estrogen, but I don't know about any others. And there are two aspects to hormones: production and reception. For my partner, having young children certainly produced the usually observed effects of oxycontin (the "bonding" hormone) that gets released during childbirth and orgasm, but orgasm doesn't seem to produce the same effect for her. Her experiences from having kids suggest that she can produce and receive oxycontin just fine, but her body doesn't actually produce much at orgasm. I'm pretty sure path lab hormone testing doesn't go down to that level ;) - it would be an interesting study in sexual health. I wonder if anyone's done one on natural variation in oxycontin production at orgasm, and if the perceived intensity of orgasm is related to the amount of oxycontin produced at all...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pamcakes

It's possible those hormones only kick into production in response to an active and enjoyable sex life; we have it, we like it, our brain goes, "Wheeeeeeee!" and starts cranking out juice to make us want more. Perhaps that's why many Aces don't have the same experience; for whatever reason, maybe sex - even under optimal conditions - doesn't trip that switch for them.

I'm not entirely certain of the science, to be honest; all I know is that enjoyable sex triggers a chemical release that is very calming, and the more sex most people of Sexual persuasion have, the calmer and more content they seem to be in general than those who are sexually frustrated.

P.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...