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Philosophical question... are we *meant* to be alone? maybe some of us aren't made for two.


vogue

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I personally don't think I'm meant to be alone, because I experience romantic attraction. I do however believe that I wasn't meant to have children because I don't experience sexual attraction. Plus I just don't like kids or want any

I experience romantic attraction too... but figured I wasn't mean to be in a relationship or married because it's so rare for me to ever be in one. I'm almost always single... :(

I sometimes feel like that too but a part of me still believes that I will find someone someday

A part of me still believes that too... *hugs* and cake :cake:

Originally (when I was in my early 20's) I didn't care much about marriage or having kids... I laughed off the idea, saying I didn't need a man to compliment me or whatever. I think my parents' unstable marriage also likely subconsciously affected my views of marriage too. But now I've sort of decided that marriage & having kids may be something I'd like to do one day... I think I'd really like at least one child, I love playing with kids and teaching them, etc... so the idea of being alone is more depressing for me.

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WünderBâhr

Some people fear being alone. They could be afraid of not being up to standard, or not having someone there to help support them emotionally, or maybe not see their lives as complete because they can't relate to that "blissfully grinning like a fool" way that relationships can be portrayed (by any media). I'm not like other people so something must be wrong with me -mentality. It doesn't matter how independent you think you are, if you have a small part of you that thinks that, it's going to play up in your insecurities and the way you represent yourself to others.

Some information is TMI. When you go for a relationship with anyone, you have expectations of what you'd want from them, at the moment and in the future. However, with your situation (the virgin status) it seems to make things even harder, because you feel that you have to explain what you want to get a read on the guy you want it with. You can't just throw yourself at someone, but you also just can't wait around for Mr. Perfect. I don't think that someone who is truly interested in you would shy away from a brief slip of fears or insecurities from time to time. But it really makes things awkward to jump to step 5 of the 'dating level of trust' when you're still at step 2. I hope that makes sense.

Also, keeping what you want in mind is a good thing. Understanding what you don't want helps eliminate a lot of concerns and gives you something to focus on that is worth your time. But you can't attack the issue of relationships like a project (much less an obsessive one). Especially when there are obviously things going on that you're not even sure about within yourself. People can see signs of this and get turned off really quick. The photographer you mentioned has a point. What you see in yourself is important in how you portray yourself to others. No one else is going to be able to fix that for you. Especially not a guy that will have only known you for a short time (in comparison to you knowing yourself for your entire life). This doesn't have as much with do with (a)sexuality as it does with self-esteem and perceptions you already have. Your expectations, your standards, your fears. I would honestly suggest talking to someone like an analyst or general therapist to help you figure things out in your head. Only because this isn't going to be solved by a quick roll in the hay, generalizing all guys into the jerk or perv categories or by stating that you'll always be alone and take the fatalistic approach to life. You have a lot of questions about yourself and other people can only relate their experiences. We can't tell you what is right or wrong for you or give you the ultimate solution. If this is really causing havoc in your life, then there might be bigger issues that need discussion.

I hope that at some point you can feel that sort of confidence to go out and get to know people without those sorts of concerns plaguing you. Whether it ends up in a relationship or not, I can't say. But I do wish you the best.

I think this thread belongs more in the PPS (Philosophy, Politics and Science) forum as a sort of 102 conversation, so I'll be moving it there.

~Bipolar Bear

Asexual Q&A co-Mod

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I am pretty much in the same category with the past trauma which I avoid even tapping into. I am not looking at all and enjoy my alone time as well as friend time. I have a similar outlook and believe as you which is not very surprising. What would qualify as a partner for you is what I always described as 100% synchronized match. Unfortunately, my aromantic side says I don't even have a criteria for a man but my logic tells me to accept the theory of probability. I been engaged, in love, loved, burnt, hurt, learn from the past. My aromantic days are shinier than ever. I had finally found completeness and I hope you find yours. Though people tend to tell us we'll find happiness and the one and all that........had they forgotten the reality? The truth is not everyone end up coupled. Not everyone find true love or remain happily ever after. These are just plain statistics. We could either turn 50 married with kids or still sailing alone on a boat journeying through the Mediterranean Sea. Whatever life turns out, grow, learn, experience, evolve and enlighten yourself. Life is what you make of it, make it happen. Best wishes

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hmm..

Oddly enough, this guy who worked at the gym I went to a few years ago back in undergrad just msged me today asking for sex... WEIRD, honestly I haven't talked with him in like 3 years (?) at least, and I wasn't that close with him.

He just sent me this msg:

"you can handle mischief? ha...maybe not..maybe i should try to get to know you better and/or vice versa haha...my mischief is of the riskee sort haha hence why i said if you could handle it...not everyone's cup of tea haha..just in a flirty, deviant kinda mentality right now...as for involved...hahaha, do you want to be? and i guess it depends on what kidna flirty/sexual deviance you could come up with ahhaa..

as for legal expertise....nope, not at the moment..but now i know i am DEFINITELY talking to you when/if i do..hope to god i don't haha..

Wow...i like it...do you have pictures up? i guess i may have to creep so i apologize...first runway show tomorrow? CONGRATS! I hope you do great! "

etc. ..

He's pretty cute, sort of charismatic from what I know, but I don't know much about him... how the hell do I respond to that though??! he asked if i'm looking for fun/sexual deviance lol...

umm 'yes, I am... BUT I'm actually a virgin...'

I'm sort of scared how he will handle it... he seems like a nice guy, no doubt, but... will he misunderstand my comment about being a virgin & think i'm saving myself for God/marriage/the 'true calling' or something, like most guys? Should I even tell him...?

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yeah sure why not, or if u don't care about him then don't. Do whatever makes you happy at this moment and avoid shitty consequences.

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yeah sure why not, or if u don't care about him then don't. Do whatever makes you happy at this moment and avoid shitty consequences.

well won't he figure out that i'm a virgin?? if i really am bad at sex/awkward and potentially BLEED? (a lot of girls bleed their first time, and since i don't use tampons it's a good possibility for me..)

I guess I can tell him in advance but he seems to really be sensitive & ask me upfront what I'm 'comfortable' with, etc... he seems to be so cautious, essentially that I'm scared if I tell him I'm a virgin he'll just say 'nevermind, too much trouble' and be off.

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I'm late again, aren't I?

All throughout history, in every culture in the world, there have been people who lived alone - Even when it was a social taboo to do so. Plenty of old stories talk about hermits or semi-hermits. Even if most of those stories are fictional, they show that hermitage was a well-known phenomenon all over the world. Yes, some people are meant to be alone and always have been.

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I'm late again, aren't I?

All throughout history, in every culture in the world, there have been people who lived alone - Even when it was a social taboo to do so. Plenty of old stories talk about hermits or semi-hermits. Even if most of those stories are fictional, they show that hermitage was a well-known phenomenon all over the world. Yes, some people are meant to be alone and always have been.

exactly, I mean I wouldn't label myself as a hermit because I am always with friends but I plan to live my life on a spiritual quest, the Jedi ways as I always joked about it. There are people that are meant to be alone, I absolutely think so

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I'm late again, aren't I?

All throughout history, in every culture in the world, there have been people who lived alone - Even when it was a social taboo to do so. Plenty of old stories talk about hermits or semi-hermits. Even if most of those stories are fictional, they show that hermitage was a well-known phenomenon all over the world. Yes, some people are meant to be alone and always have been.

exactly, I mean I wouldn't label myself as a hermit because I am always with friends but I plan to live my life on a spiritual quest, the Jedi ways as I always joked about it. There are people that are meant to be alone, I absolutely think so

yeah same... this guy who I knew from the gym.. he basically said I was really 'tough to read' because I had such a different personality... like I would seem super serious at times, and other times really coy and social, and he had no idea who I really was... and I think I'm still like that. I can be super fun, and cute around some people and other times my 'lawyer face' is on, and i'm all business & sort of quiet. Or totally opposite, and really boisterious and loud. I don't know... this is likely why I find it tough to find people compatible with me... i can't even describe my personality. :(

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I think MAYBE, just maybe, your persona is different when you experience varied energies around. I am like that too but not too dramatic these days....i am getting old :P . Just flow, don't judge and criticize yourself, just feel and connect. You are good, accept yourself. Anyway, this is not an advice, just offering some insights.

p.s: i work in a gym too, a all women's gym

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I think MAYBE, just maybe, your persona is different when you experience varied energies around. I am like that too but not too dramatic these days....i am getting old :P . Just flow, don't judge and criticize yourself, just feel and connect. You are good, accept yourself. Anyway, this is not an advice, just offering some insights.

p.s: i work in a gym too, a all women's gym

thanks babe... i think you're completely right. I guess it's not that odd, I just act differently around different people & according to my mood... sometimes I can be very jovial, social, flirtatious... othertimes very serious and quiet, and are like 'wtf... is she a totally different person?' but... that's just me... i have many different sides to my personality... and in different settings/environments. if I'm at a political networking or fundraising event, for instance, I'm 'on'... I will tpyically be very social, open, talking with everyone.. but i'm not always like this.

i'm talking with this guy now & he's asking me what's my craziest sexual experience ever etc... i'm somehow not let it pass that i'm still a virgin.. i think it will really be too big of a shocker for him :(

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I think MAYBE, just maybe, your persona is different when you experience varied energies around. I am like that too but not too dramatic these days....i am getting old :P . Just flow, don't judge and criticize yourself, just feel and connect. You are good, accept yourself. Anyway, this is not an advice, just offering some insights.

p.s: i work in a gym too, a all women's gym

thanks babe... i think you're completely right. I guess it's not that odd, I just act differently around different people & according to my mood... sometimes I can be very jovial, social, flirtatious... othertimes very serious and quiet, and are like 'wtf... is she a totally different person?' but... that's just me... i have many different sides to my personality... and in different settings/environments. if I'm at a political networking or fundraising event, for instance, I'm 'on'... I will tpyically be very social, open, talking with everyone.. but i'm not always like this.

i'm talking with this guy now & he's asking me what's my craziest sexual experience ever etc... i'm somehow not let it pass that i'm still a virgin.. i think it will really be too big of a shocker for him :(

I can relate to you, I am leo/virgo cusp with a gemini moon which describes my personality perfectly, but that's just what captures me. I also took a personality test and came out ENFP. Try it, its fun! About the guy, well, follow your instincts, there is not wrong or right.

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I can relate to you, I am leo/virgo cusp

Hey, I'm leo/virgo cusp too. I think it makes me conflicted because leos are leaders and virgos are followers lol.

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I can relate to you, I am leo/virgo cusp

Hey, I'm leo/virgo cusp too. I think it makes me conflicted because leos are leaders and virgos are followers lol.

yeah i've had this conflict for many years and now i've finally mastered the influence of "flow", how to conduct my own personality.Absolutely love astrology!

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I wake up every morning and think 'I am alone, what a relief'. How peaceful and serene it is. My head is clear, my feelings are in balance, my day is whatever I choose it to be and I am truely complete.

My sentiments exactly. One can't imagine the peace one possesses until one is thrown into a relationship with the opposite sex. Then it's like living in Hurricane Valley. The only time I'd recommend a hurricane is when one's life has gone stagnant, when nothing seems to pique one's interest any more, when one no longer feels alive. Only then, would I recommend a hurricane: Just open your arms and prepare to have your cobwebs blasted skywards.

Of course, soon you'd be longing for that peace you knew so well. Ah well, C'est-la-vie!

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I wake up every morning and think 'I am alone, what a relief'. How peaceful and serene it is. My head is clear, my feelings are in balance, my day is whatever I choose it to be and I am truely complete.

My sentiments exactly. One can't imagine the peace one possesses until one is thrown into a relationship with the opposite sex. Then it's like living in Hurricane Valley. The only time I'd recommend a hurricane is when one's life has gone stagnant, when nothing seems to pique one's interest any more, when one no longer feels alive. Only then, would I recommend a hurricane: Just open your arms and prepare to have your cobwebs blasted skywards.

Of course, soon you'd be longing for that peace you knew so well. Ah well, C'est-la-vie!

clap clap, agree! couldn't have said it better. Love ur funny profile pic!

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I've never been in a 'real' relationship... so it's hard to say if I prefer it. Single life is pretty much all I've known & I've just realized... maybe it's like that for a reason. maybe i'm not meant to be attached to anyone. The person would have to be highly individualistic, somewhat eccentric, low-key and not judgemental. I want someone who truly understand what it's like to be alone, vulnerable, but strong. Maybe someone who has experienced mental illness or tragedy in the past and is sympathetic to those who have gone through personal challenges themselves. It's definitely not the guy-next-door or player-type of guy. To find a guy like that is very rare.... is it realistic to say I'm meant to be alone though? Maybe there is just no one out there for me, and I'm meant to be devoted to other causes or passions?

I honestly hope not, because I don't think I'm asexual... I just don't fall for people easily & aren't attracted to 99.9% of men. I just can't figure out if it's meant to be like this for the rest of my life and if I should accept that...

Responding to OP--I relate to this and consider myself a schizoid as opposed to asexual. I speak only for myself but I accept and prefer to be alone now in my life. I don't really like the idea of being alone but I accept it as my only way to continue living. I don't see any other options. A guy who relates to this will likely just no longer be interested. He won't want to be interested in someone and would prefer to take care of himself. I don't feel meant to be alone or not alone but think of myself better off as alone. I love people only in bursts. ^_^

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am single and alone almost all my life. I enjoy being alone and I never regret all the decisions I took in the course of my life that lead to me being alone.

There are times that I wish there could be someone compatible with me that we could share our lifes together. But then I think how different I am than the majority of people on this planet and how this compatible person should also be a lot different than the majority and still relatively close to me (so that we could meet) and that the propability scale on such a thing happening is very slim. Like one chance in a million maybe.

So one the whole I have no expectations of finding such a person and I am glad of the fact that I seem to be able to cope quite well alone and I dont need to make major compromises just to have someone beside me.

On the other hand if by a miraculus universal possibility shift such a thing could happen and I would meet my "other half" , I only hope we will recognise each other and do whatever it takes to get together. :rolleyes: <_<

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in response to the specific question of whether anyone is meant to be alone, i think that there are, for sure, people who have a harder time finding someone (in terms of a romantic partner) than it seems others do, for any one (or several) of zillions of possible reasons. however, i think some people who appear to have an easy time of it are people who have fewer criteria/lower standards/a need to be in a relationship that makes them settle for something less than ideal because they believe it's better than being alone... and so on. so essentially, they might end up with something mediocre, which in my opinion is not anything worth being envious of. and some people who do have factors that prevent them from forming relationships easily, yet somehow end up finding someone who makes them incredibly happy, do so through random, unexpected circumstances... and yet others do so through a concerted effort to meet like-minded people (say, joining an organisation related to something they're passionate about).

I've been thinking about this myself lately. I get the feeling that maybe some people are compatible with a relatively large proportion of the population. i.e. they could very well find a 'soulmate' in a number of people, given the opportunity. But obviously, they'd tend to stop once they'd established one and not give that opportunity to anyone else. For people like this, there's a high likelihood that they'll find a member of that percentage.

Meanwhile for others (like myself it seems), there is only a very small percentage of the population with whom they have the potential to develop a deep emotional connection and so it is much less likely that they will happen to come across one of them and have the opportunity to build up that relationship.

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in response to the specific question of whether anyone is meant to be alone, i think that there are, for sure, people who have a harder time finding someone (in terms of a romantic partner) than it seems others do, for any one (or several) of zillions of possible reasons. however, i think some people who appear to have an easy time of it are people who have fewer criteria/lower standards/a need to be in a relationship that makes them settle for something less than ideal because they believe it's better than being alone... and so on. so essentially, they might end up with something mediocre, which in my opinion is not anything worth being envious of. and some people who do have factors that prevent them from forming relationships easily, yet somehow end up finding someone who makes them incredibly happy, do so through random, unexpected circumstances... and yet others do so through a concerted effort to meet like-minded people (say, joining an organisation related to something they're passionate about).

I've been thinking about this myself lately. I get the feeling that maybe some people are compatible with a relatively large proportion of the population. i.e. they could very well find a 'soulmate' in a number of people, given the opportunity. But obviously, they'd tend to stop once they'd established one and not give that opportunity to anyone else. For people like this, there's a high likelihood that they'll find a member of that percentage.

Meanwhile for others (like myself it seems), there is only a very small percentage of the population with whom they have the potential to develop a deep emotional connection and so it is much less likely that they will happen to come across one of them and have the opportunity to build up that relationship.

yeah everyone is different, our needs, perceptions, sensors and experiences. Not necessarily the standard but just what is compatible. You really nailed it and i agree 100%. I think some of us have a almost impossible compatible rate like myself (i just find friends easily), and a zero drive to develop a relationship or even exhaust the opportunity to try, will probably and most likely to stay single. example, I been genderless, neutral tone for nearly a year now. I come across like a regular person but i don't flirt or throw a flare. Not a single soul on this planet asked me out or has been slightly interested in me (vice verse). So I am just speaking statically at this way and rate, i'll have all the chance to stay single for a life time.

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  • 3 months later...

simply never think your life is planned before you live it. its not only impossible, but its another fairtale made to make you feel better about bad stuff. you control your life, period.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've never really given this question any thought as I'm quite happy to be alone. I've always been a loner in general and am not really a social creature.

Maybe I'm not 'meant for two'. I'm not the sort who would take too easily to having to share my life with someone else. It's a bit scary.

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I don't think that I am meant to be alone or not alone. To say that a person is meant for anything implies in intention in their existence. I do not believe that my conception or birth was supernaturally ordained and intended. Thus, I am not "meant" to be anything.

If I prefer or do better alone, that is incidental. I like people, but I like them in small doses. I don't think this is intentional on anyone's part. Like giraffes and the love of square-dancing, it just is.

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I don't think that I am meant to be alone or not alone. To say that a person is meant for anything implies in intention in their existence. I do not believe that my conception or birth was supernaturally ordained and intended. Thus, I am not "meant" to be anything.

If I prefer or do better alone, that is incidental. I like people, but I like them in small doses. I don't think this is intentional on anyone's part. Like giraffes and the love of square-dancing, it just is.

yup, you are right. You make your life, there is not such thing as this is it. You can change it.

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