The Aromantic thread

[Mr. Addams]

I CBF to read through the whole thread, but I will ask anyway.

Are there any other Aromantic souls out there who feel jealous of their romantic counterparts? Almost every time I see someone happy in a relationship, specifically in asexual relationships (something about sexual relationships freaks me out, I don't know what it is), I feel a pang of longing, wishing I could feel the same way as they do.

I know I'm late to the party but: Yes, good grief, and it confuses me so much.

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

Back to the idea of stories; I've just noticed my stories have elements that blur the idea of romance. It's most probable its clearly reflecting my views on it itself. but basically the evidence of intense feelings is affection and sometimes theres a relationship stated (this is when they normally have to speak to the person in particular about a specific event thats ongoing in the plot to move it along. its more about communication between characters to show support but also to communicate with the reader)... and the non-communicated ones arent in my opinion couples. but some people read them as though they are.

i mean I don't agree with incest but one example are a twin bro and sis. And people thought they were a couple, but sharing a bed when family, and hanging out, and occasionally hugging and generally sharing inside jokes and hobbies isn't romance on its own. it was the affection and intimacy felt.

For me thats normal with family too.

Another example is of 2 mates who had romantic feelings. One was seen as a boy but was actually a girl, so their issue there was more important than having someone to kiss. The mate who they loved was a big flirt and despite them both loving each other they werent going to do anything. It wasn't a misunderstanding either, they both knew without having to say so.

I mean those are more unusual couples in my stories but I just found it interesting how the most romantic characters aren't necessarily in a couple...

My understanding of romance right now is like reflected in my early stories.... I don't see what makes it different wether youre in a labelled relationship, an unsaid one, or are family etc.

[Mr. Addams]

Well, how does romantic love after the infatuation stage differ from long-term friendships? Aside from any romantic cultural fripperies like flowers and that sort of thing, what is the difference? I'm essentially unable to tell at this point, my Human Sexuality book is worthless, and I haven't found anyone who can make sense of the difference in feelings once the initial infatuation stage is over, unless possibly we're talking about some level of exclusivity within the relationship. Strong attachment is, to me, strong attachment.

So no, I don't necessarily think that we're talking about "falling in love" here when we talk about having strong emotions for people. To say that every close relationship of that magnitude is necessarily a romantic relationship is to essentially denigrate the importance of platonic friendships, which again leaves those of us who do not fit into traditional romantic narratives straight back out in the cold.

Your post made me think of this interesting TED talk by Helen Fisher about sex and romantic love; she basically divides the concept into three brain systems; sexual attraction, romantic love and attachment - and she associates romantic love particularly with dopamine and attachment with oxytocin and vasopressin/ADH. She also points out in the end of the talk, that one can experience these feelings independently for several people - e.g. being strongly attached to a partner and simultaneously being romantically in love with someone else.

[Sciatrix]

Your post made me think of this interesting TED talk by Helen Fisher about sex and romantic love; she basically divides the concept into three brain systems; sexual attraction, romantic love and attachment - and she associates romantic love particularly with dopamine and attachment with oxytocin and vasopressin/ADH. She also points out in the end of the talk, that one can experience these feelings independently for several people - e.g. being strongly attached to a partner and simultaneously being romantically in love with someone else.

Ooh, thank you for that link. I wrote a longer, more involved post about how I try to differentiate from romantic love and attachment over on my blog since I wrote that, although since I was trying to define romance at the time I didn't focus on sexual attraction at all. (And I do like attachment as a term for non-romantic love much more than I like platonic love, because I tend to think that there isn't that much difference for how I feel for family and how I feel for friends.)

[beautiful_dreamer]

I went through a period of wondering if I was Aromantic Asexual for a while. It wasn't until I turned 15 that I knew I wasn't the flower/candy/sweet-nothings kind of girl that most people would think of. I have never been in love or been in a relationship, nor ever had the desire to pursue them. Yet I'm very happy without it. Romance to me wasn't disgusting to me per-say, but it just seemed too contrived and predictable for me. As well as distracting to what I really wanted to do in my life, some people saw my as a career minded fembot with no emotion for family or maternal instinct. That's far the truth, as I have a very close nit family and I love kids. In fact it may have been my family that triggered the whole thing. I grew up surround by relatives complaining about their spouses and lovers, and I guess all their rants put me off from bothering to find anyone myself. All that work and effort, only for it to be wasted on someone who didn't appreciate it. I believed that effort could have been put to better use. Of course, not everyone thinks like me and I support all my friends and family's pursuits in love and happiness. I'm there when they need a shoulder to cry on, or give a little outside perspective or to spoil their kids rotten while they paint the town red with their beloved. :)

[Chickenpede]

As well as distracting to what I really wanted to do in my life, some people saw me as a career minded fembot with no emotion for family or maternal instinct.

This is a great way to put it! My mom particularly sees me as a "fembot" :lol: and wants me to eventually change. But I'm perfectly happy by myself, pursuing my own academic interests.

[Trolley Girl]

As well as distracting to what I really wanted to do in my life, some people saw me as a career minded fembot with no emotion for family or maternal instinct.

This is a great way to put it! My mom particularly sees me as a "fembot" :lol: and wants me to eventually change. But I'm perfectly happy by myself, pursuing my own academic interests.

Hmmmmm.... this is a new one to me. Never even heard of such a term as "fembot" before, but the idea in and of itself seems like a logical assumption to which some people may jump.

[AProud]

Has anyone else tried something romantic (like holding hands) because they thought they wanted to, but then found out that they really did not like it?

After 24 years of never having dated anybody, I thought I would experiment. I came very close to sleeping with one of my friends (big mistake). We had shared a bed platonically for a while, and I guess I just got curious. She's very, very sexual, and I guess I ashamedly took advantage of that fact, for my own experimental means. Thankfully, we did not get far. I found the whole thing utterly repulsive, and just had to stop. Yep, sex is not for me.

Kissing wasn't so bad, but I can't help but find it a rather peculiar act. It boggles my mind that people actually want to kiss. It's such a strange thing, putting your face up to somebody else's. Just as sex is strange, putting your body up against somebody else's. I just find it all a very, very strange thing and I don't understand the appeal.

As for romance.. not interested in that either. I know I made a mistake with my friend in the past, but her aside, I would hope to only ever 'court' somebody with the thought of pursuing a marriage. But to be honest, marriage - and therefore romantic relationships - do not appeal to me at all. The thought of having to commit myself to one person for the rest of my life, utterly frightens me. My fear would be of growing tired with them after a short period of time, and wanting to move on to somebody else. I don't think I could ever commit myself to just one person, and I don't see the appeal in doing that. I see the benefit of long-term, committed and faithful marriages, but it just isn't for me. I'd rather just not have any romance at all. People are way too much hard work, and what are the rewards? From what I've experienced, acts of a sexual nature can be a thrill but they are always so short-lived and never live up to expectation. I'd rather get satisfaction from much more fulfilling things in life than sex and romance. Non-platonic relationships, to me, are well over-rated and over-romanticized in the media. Kids grow up with rose-tinted spectacles, thinking one day they'll meet their Prince Charming/Sleeping Beauty and their lives will be lived happily ever after. That is rarely the case, and I hate that the media still try to paint an amazing view of romance, as if it is an all-important fact of life, when it just isn't. I am perfectly satisfied living a life of singlehood, and I feel liberated in the thought of living a single and celibate life, surrounding myself with good friends and family, but not being tied down or hindered by petty romance.

Still, I recognize that I'm the alien here. The vast majority of human beings seem to do just fine with their romantic, sexual, and platonic lives.

I find this 'vast majority' a peculiar species...! I juts don't see the appeal at all. I don't understand how people see the attraction in romantic and sexual relationships/experiences. I know it's natural for them, but I can't help but be bewildered by it all. I sometimes wonder what went 'wrong' when I was being formed in my mother's womb. But then I remember that God made me different for a reason, and I enjoy this singleton life that He has carved out for me. I wouldn't want to change even if I could.

In fact it may have been my family that triggered the whole thing. I grew up surround by relatives complaining about their spouses and lovers, and I guess all their rants put me off from bothering to find anyone myself. All that work and effort, only for it to be wasted on someone who didn't appreciate it.

I too think I have been put off by my own family's experiences. I don't think I've ever had romantic/sexual desires, even before the problems in my family started (so I wouldn't put my 'condition' down to trauma etc, but I do think it adds another dimension). My mum and dad went through a difficult period in their marriage; they are still together and have come through the other side. But I guess it just showed to me that romance is not what it's cut out to be. It's over-romanticized, and a whole lot harder than what all those Kevin Costner movies make out. (Man, I love Kevin Costner). My colleagues and friends are always complaining about their partners; friends get divorced and split up with their boyfriends/girlfriends left, right, and centre. And I just find myself wondering what the point of it all is. What's the point of all that hard work, for such little reward. What's the point of all that effort, when 9 times out of 10 you'll just end up with a broken heart, a depleted bank balance, and a loss of property. Hmm.

I just have never seen the point in putting in so much effort to foster a romantic relationship. I'd rather just have good friends and family. Romantic relationships seem like far too much hard work, and I don't understand the appeal of them. I hug my friends, but apart from that I hate being touched. I've never had a desire to form a romantic or sexual relationship with anybody, male or female, and I don't have any ambition to do so in the future. I love being single. I love being accountable to myself only - not having to worry about another person in my life; not having to share my home with another person. I can do what I want, when I want. I can travel, I can change careers, I can move from place to place, and I don't have to worry about having to convince someone else to come along with me.

Life is too short to have to worry about living it with somebody else.

Rant over!

[anamia]

So I more or less came out to both of my parents as both ace and aromantic recently. And I got the same, 'You're too young to know,' response from both. -sigh- (I'm 18, for the record. While it may be young, I do think that, were I the type to experience such attractions, I would have done so already at least a little bit.) I didn't use either term, and perhaps I should have. They might have taken me more seriously then. My mother may have accepted the ace thing, but I'm not sure. I didn't try very hard with the aromantic part with her; I figure I'll get her to accept that I'm old enough to know who I want to sleep with (read: no one) before I'll work on being old enough to know who I fall in love with (ditto).

[Trolley Girl]

So I more or less came out to both of my parents as both ace and aromantic recently. And I got the same, 'You're too young to know,' response from both. -sigh- (I'm 18, for the record. While it may be young, I do think that, were I the type to experience such attractions, I would have done so already at least a little bit.) I didn't use either term, and perhaps I should have. They might have taken me more seriously then. My mother may have accepted the ace thing, but I'm not sure. I didn't try very hard with the aromantic part with her; I figure I'll get her to accept that I'm old enough to know who I want to sleep with (read: no one) before I'll work on being old enough to know who I fall in love with (ditto).

Possibly, you should give it about a few years, or maye a little more. I am almost 24 (on the 31st), and about 95% of people believe me whenever I feel the need to come out. Others simply think I just haven't been "giving myself a chance" or that I am just not willing to "get myself out there." *SIGH*

But don't worry, TIME will make them know, if nothing else. You might want to check out a thread I started in the "Older Asexuals" forum, asking them what age, if any, did the various "Older" aces have had to reach before people finally were convinced (Here is the link: http://www.asexualit...inally-stopped/ )

[anamia]

So I more or less came out to both of my parents as both ace and aromantic recently. And I got the same, 'You're too young to know,' response from both. -sigh- (I'm 18, for the record. While it may be young, I do think that, were I the type to experience such attractions, I would have done so already at least a little bit.) I didn't use either term, and perhaps I should have. They might have taken me more seriously then. My mother may have accepted the ace thing, but I'm not sure. I didn't try very hard with the aromantic part with her; I figure I'll get her to accept that I'm old enough to know who I want to sleep with (read: no one) before I'll work on being old enough to know who I fall in love with (ditto).

Possibly, you should give it about a few years, or maye a little more. I am almost 24 (on the 31st), and about 95% of people believe me whenever I feel the need to come out. Others simply think I just haven't been "giving myself a chance" or that I am just not willing to "get myself out there." *SIGH*

But don't worry, TIME will make them know, if nothing else. You might want to check out a thread I started in the "Older Asexuals" forum, asking them what age, if any, did the various "Older" aces have had to reach before people finally were convinced.

Oh, I know. I'm not furious, just resigned. It would have been nice to get acceptance, but I can live without it. It's not like they're pressuring me to get a date or anything, so I can cope. And I'll just continue not falling in love and not going out on dates and let them deal with the consequences. -grins-

[Trolley Girl]

Oh, I know. I'm not furious, just resigned. It would have been nice to get acceptance, but I can live without it. It's not like they're pressuring me to get a date or anything, so I can cope. And I'll just continue not falling in love and not going out on dates and let them deal with the consequences. -grins-

That's the spirit! Just keep truckin' along, and you'll be golden! ;)

[GirlInside]

I know I've mentioned this, but I didn't really get any replies in this thread, so here it is: Does anyone else find it really hard to make and keep friends? I find that the friends I make disappear when they pair off with others. For this reason (among other reasons such as my difficulty in social areas), I've given up on ever having close friends other than my mom and my guinea pigs.

[CreepyCrawler]

Ever since I got out of high school (about 5 years ago), I've averaged about 2.5 close friends at any one time. It seems to be an upper limit for me. Anyway, these are people I see about twice a week at most, often with weeks in between with limited contact. So any relationships they've developed haven't put too much of a strain on our friendship; even when one of my friend's husbands forbade us to hang out alone together (he was worried I still had feelings for her as her ex and was planning to steal her) we just both kind of shrugged and accepted it.

So yea, I've got two stable friends and then one who cycles.

I've only really had one friend who cut off all contact with me after they got in a relationship. There's not much you can really do then, just wish them luck or stand there shaking your fist.

[ily]

I know I've mentioned this, but I didn't really get any replies in this thread, so here it is: Does anyone else find it really hard to make and keep friends? I find that the friends I make disappear when they pair off with others. For this reason (among other reasons such as my difficulty in social areas), I've given up on ever having close friends other than my mom and my guinea pigs.

Yeah, I think it's hard. And I hear similar things from people of all ages who aren't asexual, too. Me, I'm not in school and I don't have a job, so my opportunities to make friends are kind of limited that way. I find that with more casual friends, not much changes when they start dating people. But with close friends, I notice major shifts. Maybe because in those relationships, there's "more to lose". I don't find it all that hard to keep friends, but I do find it hard to keep them at a level where the friendship keeps growing, and you feel like the relationship is equal.

[Trolley Girl]

I know I've mentioned this, but I didn't really get any replies in this thread, so here it is: Does anyone else find it really hard to make and keep friends? I find that the friends I make disappear when they pair off with others. For this reason (among other reasons such as my difficulty in social areas), I've given up on ever having close friends other than my mom and my guinea pigs.

So far, I can't really say that I have any difficulty as such. I have two really good friends whom I hang out with on a regular basis. They both know that I am a double-A, and they are fully accepting.

The older of the two, who is a year younger than me, has reckoned that he really wants to be with someone once he finds Ms. Right. I have even expressed to him that I am worried that he may turn his attention away from me should this happen, and he always reassures me that he will find time for me as well, and that he wants to be with someone who will not have a problem with this.

The younger of the two, who is three years younger than me, has been in a relationship once before, but it didn't come anywhere NEAR working out, so he expresses himself as having decided to boycott relationships altogether, and that he never wants to be with anyone despite the fact that he isn't ace. Plus, he is well aware of the benefits of singlehood, and understands how other people find this sort of lifestyle to be much easier. So, I am actually not as worried about my friendship with HIM, as I might be with my other friend.

So, these are basically the feelings I have with this matter, GirlInside.

[LoNeR bY dEfAuLt]

For a second I thought it said aromatic....

[Chickenpede]

For a second I thought it said aromatic....

Sometimes the spellchecker on my computer corrects aromantic to aromatic :lol:

[Jacqui]

For a second I thought it said aromatic....

My mind reads it as "aromatic" as well, sometimes.

[teru]

Hi everyone, I'm pleased to have found this interesting forum. I want to share my experience as you shared yours which I appreciated a lot.

I am an asexual AND aromantic being. It took me years to accept it, I always felt weird. In high school I used to announce I was interested in some local or famous guys. Now that I've grown up I guess I did it basically to believe it myself because I really wished I felt attracted romantically and/or sexually to a boy/man or even a girl. At some point I thought I might be gay, but it was not the case. If I've ended up being a lesbian at any level, I would've accepted it without a single bit of shame to be in peace with myself because, according to my "mainly-Catholic-Church/100%-Jesus-&-Mother-Mary-oriented" faith, real homosexual people exist and have the right to love and get married like their heterosexual counterparts.

When I was 19 I had a one-month-romantic relationship with a very nice and cool guy. To tell you the truth it was a romantic-wannabe friendship. But at least I tried... The thing is I'm still a virgin, and I'm not interested in using the reproductive system any time soon and maybe never. I find sex and romantic love to be really BORING, both of them !!!

Greetings!

[ily]

Hi everyone, I'm pleased to have found this interesting forum. I want to share my experience as you shared yours which I appreciated a lot.

I am an asexual AND aromantic being. It took me years to accept it, I always felt weird. In high school I used to announce I was interested in some local or famous guys. Now that I've grown up I guess I did it basically to believe it myself because I really wished I felt attracted romantically and/or sexually to a boy/man or even a girl. At some point I thought I might be gay, but it was not the case. If I've ended up being a lesbian at any level, I would've accepted it without a single bit of shame to be in peace with myself because, according to my "mainly-Catholic-Church/100%-Jesus-&-Mother-Mary-oriented" faith, real homosexual people exist and have the right to love and get married like their heterosexual counterparts.

When I was 19 I had a one-month-romantic relationship with a very nice and cool guy. To tell you the truth it was a romantic-wannabe friendship. But at least I tried... The thing is I'm still a virgin, and I'm not interested in using the reproductive system any time soon and maybe never. I find sex and romantic love to be really BORING, both of them !!!

Greetings!

Welcome to AVEN! If you post in Meetup Mart, you can collect a lot more . ^_^

[Trolley Girl]

For a second I thought it said aromatic....

Sometimes the spellchecker on my computer corrects aromantic to aromatic :lol:

Wow! Isn't THIS the truth! The spellchecker on Microsoft Office Word 2003 on my laptop gave the following options:

"aromatic" (of course!)

"romantic"

"a romantic"

"aromatics"

[Almagest]

I added "aromantic" to the dictionary. ^_^

[Trolley Girl]

I added "aromantic" to the dictionary. ^_^

How did you do that?

[Almagest]

I added "aromantic" to the dictionary. ^_^

How did you do that?

When the spell checker underlines a word in red, right click on it and there should be a "Add to Dictionary" option. It's a feature that's available in Microsoft Word and Google Chrome at least.

[anamia]

Available in Firefox as well. Though I don't tend to use it there.

[Rong]

What about someone who's never been lucky in love and had stopped craving for love?

I have previously been a romantic and sexual person; slowly turning into an asexual and aromantic.

[GirlDreamer]

What about someone who's never been lucky in love and had stopped craving for love?

I have previously been a romantic and sexual person; slowly turning into an asexual and aromantic.

Well, they say sexuality can be fluid, so I guess that would be true about romantic attractions as well...

[Trolley Girl]

When the spell checker underlines a word in red, right click on it and there should be a "Add to Dictionary" option. It's a feature that's available in Microsoft Word and Google Chrome at least.

Alright then, I wil definitely do that! Thanks! 8)

[Blackbird007]

AT LAST!!! I have found my clan...First of all, I just found out about AVEN yesterday...so hello. I'm a newb. Oy. And secondly, I had no idea what to call myself up until this point. I was just always referred to as "weird girl who doesn't date." Now I feel much more intelligent and can give people a correct definition. Thank you! And yes, I am most definitely an aromantic asexual. I've never been in a relationship and cringe at the idea of having one. I've never even been on a date!! And I'm almost 20!! Yay for non-conformity and being awesomely different. Well, peace out and thanks.

~Rachel