The Aromantic thread

[5_♦♣]

"You just need to get laid".

What? Seriously? *Shakes head*.

"You mean, you really don't want to get married"?

That one rather pissed me off, as a romantic, because it basically assumes that only aromantics don't want to get married; yet I'm pretty sure I'm not the only romantic that doesn't want to get married.

[Nymzie]

If someone suggested that I'm "bitter" or that I must just not believe in love I think I would punch them in the face :)

Or you know just tell them they're wrong and be really frustrated, either or

Welcome EijiNya! I love watching other people's romances (when they are good ones), but I still consider myself a repulsed aro because the idea of being in one myself repulses me :)

[Sussexdowns]

"What do you mean platonic relationship? There's no such thing!"

"Are you talking to a therapist?"

"You're bitter."

I wish I was paid every time I heard these. I would be quite wealthy.

[maven]

"You just need to get laid".

What? Seriously? *Shakes head*.

"You mean, you really don't want to get married"?

That one rather pissed me off, as a romantic, because it basically assumes that only aromantics don't want to get married; yet I'm pretty sure I'm not the only romantic that doesn't want to get married.

Yea, I'm pretty sure anyone over a certain age gets the married question, regardless if they're romantic/aromantic.

The "you must not believe in love" one cracked me up because I can see someone say thing that to me -I tend to scoff at cheesy romances and refuse to watch romcoms (not because of the romance, though-it's the cheesy comedy that I dislike). One that I've gotten that wasn't on there is "you're too scared to open your heart to love" which made me burst out laughing ( not a good move, I'm pretty sure she was being serious). It was more the dramatic way she said it, like she had the answer to all of my (non-existent) problems that made me laugh than what she actually said.

[5_♦♣]

"One that I've gotten that wasn't on there is "you're too scared to open your heart to love" which made me burst out laughing".

And I burst out laughing while reading that.

[anticlockwise]

I find all this discussion on repulsed aromantics pretty interesting. It must be tricky-- there's nothing like western society for shoving romance in your face, sometimes even more so than sex.

What I've never come across, on the flip side, is any aromantic people who actually express a desire to be romantic. In every definition of 'aromantic' I come across, there is always this one phrase, in one form or another: 'lack of desire'.

To be honest that's pretty interesting to me, because if I could be romantic, I actually would. I have the desire to be romantic, but I am literally not capable of it. I've come across this "well, you obviously haven't met the right person yet" comment a lot and it's pretty patronising.

I've come across several people whom I know I'd have been head-over-heels for if I were able. The last and most intense squish I had was a guy, and he was basically perfect. He was honest-to-god beautiful, we liked all the same things, we had the same politics, we got on ridiculously well and completely understood each other, and as a friend I really loved him. He was kind and available and sweet. He was one of those people you only ever meet rarely, who feels like another half of you, and as far as I can tell, when romantic people meet someone like that it's the sign of a spark.

He's a trans guy and has a lot of problems with that, and said it often feels like nobody would ever love him. I really wanted to be that person who would, I tried, and I just-- couldn't. It was odd. It's like I cannot properly reach or sustain that level of involvement in another person, it totally burns me out.

I can talk myself into fixation easily enough, but it dries up in days. (And besides, I'm pretty sure that 'fixation' is not quite what people mean when they say 'romantic love', lol.)

I love romances and romance in general, and yet I can't feel it. The whole idea is really foreign-- how can anyone actually be that tied up in a person? How is it possible to need a person that much? It seems like a horrible emotional drain. Sometimes it kind of makes me feel like I'm not even quite human, like I'm missing this big chunk that everyone else seems to have.

Maybe it's internalised romantinormalism? But I really want to be able to feel it. It feels a bit like I'm doomed to vicariously living through fictional experiences and never quite understanding them. Surely I'm not the only one?

[5_♦♣]

If you look through the forums, you'll notice there are other aromantics that wish they could be romantic.

Also, welcome to AVEN.

[maven]

What I've never come across, on the flip side, is any aromantic people who actually express a desire to be romantic. In every definition of 'aromantic' I come across, there is always this one phrase, in one form or another: 'lack of desire'.

They're out there! Or should I say, out here :lol: Scroll through this thread a bit and you'll find several people who have wanted to be romantic or wished they were romantic. There's at least one active AVEN member that I can think of who has mentioned they feel this way as well.

Edit: yay for searching through old threads, here's one for you. I'm sure there are others.

The whole idea is really foreign-- how can anyone actually be that tied up in a person? How is it possible to need a person that much? It seems like a horrible emotional drain. Sometimes it kind of makes me feel like I'm not even quite human, like I'm missing this big chunk that everyone else seems to have.

Unfortunately, I can't answer this. I don't know either. Sometimes it feels like a foreign ritual I could mimic if I tried but the motions wouldn't be the same as someone of that culture who understood what/why they were doing it. But don't ever think you're not human - you're just different. Like us.

Welcome to AVEN.

[ashly~]

To be honest that's pretty interesting to me, because if I could be romantic, I actually would. I have the desire to be romantic, but I am literally not capable of it. I've come across this "well, you obviously haven't met the right person yet" comment a lot and it's pretty patronising.

This. I would never chose to be a sexual person but I would, hands down, become a romantic person. I adore hearing my other friends talk about their romantic experiences with their boyfriends/girlfriends and I can't help but want that despite it having lots of emotional pain. It sounds almost worth it.

I've also had that comment given to me, I've also been called an "robot" before. Ouch.

I've come across several people whom I know I'd have been head-over-heels for if I were able. The last and most intense squish I had was a guy, and he was basically perfect. He was honest-to-god beautiful, we liked all the same things, we had the same politics, we got on ridiculously well and completely understood each other, and as a friend I really loved him. He was kind and available and sweet. He was one of those people you only ever meet rarely, who feels like another half of you, and as far as I can tell, when romantic people meet someone like that it's the sign of a spark.

He's a trans guy and has a lot of problems with that, and said it often feels like nobody would ever love him. I really wanted to be that person who would, I tried, and I just-- couldn't. It was odd. It's like I cannot properly reach or sustain that level of involvement in another person, it totally burns me out.

I can talk myself into fixation easily enough, but it dries up in days. (And besides, I'm pretty sure that 'fixation' is not quite what people mean when they say 'romantic love', lol.)

I love romances and romance in general, and yet I can't feel it. The whole idea is really foreign-- how can anyone actually be that tied up in a person? How is it possible to need a person that much? It seems like a horrible emotional drain. Sometimes it kind of makes me feel like I'm not even quite human, like I'm missing this big chunk that everyone else seems to have.

Maybe it's internalised romantinormalism? But I really want to be able to feel it. It feels a bit like I'm doomed to vicariously living through fictional experiences and never quite understanding them. Surely I'm not the only one?

You are definitely not the only one. There is this one guy who I've tried so hard to have romantic feelings for and just can't. It's exactly how you put it, it just burns me out. We can almost read each others mind with how close we are and I know he has romantic feelings for me. I sometimes feel like a horrible person because of our situation.

Romance sounds like it has more downs than ups but it also sounds like those up are really amazing. I would like to know how good it feels but until then I'll just keep watching from the sidelines.

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

I was never interested in playing marriage as a kid like all the other little girls were, I would just run away and find the boys who were playing in the dirt. :P And yep, when it came time for dating, I did the same thing. Other things were much more interesting then romance.

Yup, I've never considered romance or dating anyone. I feel the same way about those things today as I did when I was 8 years old: they are things that the majority are interested in (for reasons beyond my comprehension), and they make you go cucu for your partner. I've watched what infatuation and romantic love do to even adult people, and the loss of control is not appealing to me. Besides, I'd make a poor romantic partner anyway, seeing as an aromantic I'd have to somehow imitate romanticism to play the dating game. Faking is just beneath me :)

I used to play with the boys using playing cards and the random girl picking at mud trying to devise a way to make a tunnel out of the school! haha

I wasn't allowed to date and my mom thought me dating just a month before I turned 18 as a bit soon.

To be honest, I don't mind dating, but I think part of the stress for me is the hints that they give and I can't understand and the fact I'm not romantic enough so I have absolutely no clue how to act.

Like when my ex was 'gazing at me' and it bothered me because I kept wondering what he was looking at. So I forbade him from looking at me that day. >.> I didn't realise he was being romantic. Or whatever.

I dread the idea of faking it.

When I see very old people together I find it romantic seeing them both struggling to walk say, but still helping and relying on each other. I don't find gazing into faces romantic. I find the trust and sharing, but independence and individuality much more beautiful. That part I would like, but if I'm going to have to act and spend so much time researching hints to decode their actions into reasonable feelings, I just don't think it's worth the effort.

I try to tell prospective partners this, but they never really understand. I think they see it as a way for me to judge them on their response, rather than an actual truth that we'd have to consider seriously before bothering with any thing.

Because I realise now I don't feel the same feelings as others, it explains why I had trouble telling the difference between romantic love and normal or deep friendship love. I guess for me there is little difference. I just love each person uniquely. Which makes me even more hesitant about dating, because I like to have a set idea of when to move from one thing to another. Romantic things are left up to too many half rules and assumptions and ideas people are supposed to innately have that I seem to lack.

I find flirting stressful as a result. If people were more blunt and honest, it'd be sooo~ much easier. =.=

So after that rant, my actual point is, I didn't date as a kid, but wouldn't have minded. I don't think I'd have been any different to how I am now. If I date someone I doubt I suddenly get extra affectionate. I'd jut act like a mate around them because to me, that makes more sense, and they're my friend first. =.=

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

Haha I'd like it if someone suggested I were bitter because without thinking I'd say 'Of what? I can get a guy anywhere. =/ '

And I wouldn't even be joking, but it comes across like extreme arrogance or something. XD

Changes the tone of things a lot. =/

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

Sorry for the mass of replies.

I find all this discussion on repulsed aromantics pretty interesting. It must be tricky-- there's nothing like western society for shoving romance in your face, sometimes even more so than sex.

[...]

I love romances and romance in general, and yet I can't feel it. The whole idea is really foreign-- how can anyone actually be that tied up in a person? How is it possible to need a person that much? It seems like a horrible emotional drain. Sometimes it kind of makes me feel like I'm not even quite human, like I'm missing this big chunk that everyone else seems to have.

Maybe it's internalised romantinormalism? But I really want to be able to feel it. It feels a bit like I'm doomed to vicariously living through fictional experiences and never quite understanding them. Surely I'm not the only one?

I think the issue is that we get the negatives but not enough of the positive emotions or that rush that makes it a drug like high that normal people probably get.

Although that'd be interesting to do a study on, of the brain activity with aromantics with those they love or deeply care for and want to love vs NTs.

I totally understand that feeling of it burning out. I think the feelings are supposed to be more intense and long lasting than mine. I'm just happy to be around and make the person happy, and very relaxed around them. I don't really get huge rushes. I can't find them sexy, their looks don't seem important to me, I don't want to flirt with them.

It seems almost pointless dating considering those things are part of what shows or maintains love.

haha

[M.A.O.]

To be honest that's pretty interesting to me, because if I could be romantic, I actually would. I have the desire to be romantic, but I am literally not capable of it. I've come across this "well, you obviously haven't met the right person yet" comment a lot and it's pretty patronising.

I've come across several people whom I know I'd have been head-over-heels for if I were able.

Oh, that's interesting. That sounds a bit like me. I'm not sure if I would, but I've certainly fancied the idea to try it out. I just never feel any drive to initiate, and if anyone has ever hinted at interest in me, well... it's definitely gone right over my head.

Whenever I try to think of an ideal relationship, it comes down to a matter of function and utility more than anything else. I have no idea how I'd explain this to other people, and my whole train of thought on the matter often starts to feel vaguely manipulative, so I inevitably lose interest as I focus back on other things. If I try to focus on that for too long, it will wear on me.

[Laura024]

"You're prude."

[varied_in_style]

Oh goody! Other aromantics! Hello. I do not like touching of any kind. I rarely enjoy a hug, but I'll do it because everyone else seems to like it. I also think kissing is almost as gross as sex, especially with tongue (which I have never done or will ever do!). And holding hands seems restricting. Like you are stuck right there. I do like to be with people, but my brain did not come with the romance software. Or any of that relationship software that goes beyond good friends.

Holy crap! I'm the same exact way. I hate kissing! I feel like a massive perv to watch someone kiss, even if it's a movie! The only kiss I could watch was Kurt/Blaine from Glee, and even then I had to keep looking away... As for holding hands, the only time I can bring myself to tolerate it is my mom. She raised me, so it's my way of showing I care, but I can only do it for so long before I feel awkward... I also find the idea of any kind of 'relationship' odd. I dated a few times, but always felt awkward, not wanting sex or to kiss or anything...

[NotFluffy]

Oh goody! Other aromantics! Hello. I do not like touching of any kind. I rarely enjoy a hug, but I'll do it because everyone else seems to like it. I also think kissing is almost as gross as sex, especially with tongue (which I have never done or will ever do!). And holding hands seems restricting. Like you are stuck right there. I do like to be with people, but my brain did not come with the romance software. Or any of that relationship software that goes beyond good friends.

Holy crap! I'm the same exact way. I hate kissing! I feel like a massive perv to watch someone kiss, even if it's a movie! The only kiss I could watch was Kurt/Blaine from Glee, and even then I had to keep looking away... As for holding hands, the only time I can bring myself to tolerate it is my mom. She raised me, so it's my way of showing I care, but I can only do it for so long before I feel awkward... I also find the idea of any kind of 'relationship' odd. I dated a few times, but always felt awkward, not wanting sex or to kiss or anything...

My god you guys!! I'll jump in your bandwagon :V

Then I hear about people wanting to compromise sex or cuddling... I do not get it!

The only thing that can cuddle me is my cat. But he's the boss so I can't do a thing about that~

I'd also add what ashly said in her last post :B

[Oswald]

I've also had that comment given to me, I've also been called an "robot" before. Ouch.

I've had the robot one! I actually don't mind it as much as I probably should. I've always thought robots were cool and it'd be really neat to get to be one. 8)

I also had the opposite after my first opening night. "Wow, you look so happy that you actually look like a real kid today instead of a robot!" That was from the choreographer, and I found it ridiculously hilarious. She was also the sort of person who'd bring cookies and candy to rehearsal.

[Em_BR_Ace]

What do you have against robots. I'm a robot! :lol:

Actually, I'm very far from a robot, since I have deep feelings. I just don't want to be in romantic relationships. biggest issue when talking about being aro-ace is that people think that "one thing leds to another". Because I don't want the "another" (sex, romantic relationship) that I won't want the "one" (holding hands, cuddling, a-romantic relationship).

[Oswald]

INITIATE ROBOT BROFIST SEQUENCE! >:]

[Janet_K]

Wow! This thread completely addresses my 'Hello' post! I'm new here, but I'll just go ahead and award some cake where it's due. Cake, to all of you! :cake: :cake:

I am completely aromantic. Only once have I ever felt a smidge of mushy feelings, but they died quickly.

It's strange. I understand them. I like them! As a writer, I love nothing more than to write about the relationship between to star crossed lovers. I've got the empathy part of it down. I just don't feel it, though.

I've even had boyfriends. Many. But my relationships never last too long due to my utter lack of love for the other person...heh, does that make me sound terrible?

I do have feelings, though! I'm friendly, I cry during every single movie I watch (and once, a Simply Apple commercial), I like hugs and kisses, I can be caring towards friends and family, but romance? Mmmm...nope.

I'm not a sociopath, I'm just asexual :)

And, apparently, aromantic.

[Oswald]

Welcome to AVEN and the Aromantic Thread!

[maven]

Wow! This thread completely addresses my 'Hello' post! I'm new here, but I'll just go ahead and award some cake where it's due. Cake, to all of you! :cake: :cake:

I am completely aromantic. Only once have I ever felt a smidge of mushy feelings, but they died quickly.

It's strange. I understand them. I like them! As a writer, I love nothing more than to write about the relationship between to star crossed lovers. I've got the empathy part of it down. I just don't feel it, though.

I've even had boyfriends. Many. But my relationships never last too long due to my utter lack of love for the other person...heh, does that make me sound terrible?

I do have feelings, though! I'm friendly, I cry during every single movie I watch (and once, a Simply Apple commercial), I like hugs and kisses, I can be caring towards friends and family, but romance? Mmmm...nope.

I'm not a sociopath, I'm just asexual :)

And, apparently, aromantic.

Welcome, Janet! :cake:

Poll for the Aromantic subforum is now closed and the admods are discussing it. Looks like there were a little over 150 people who voted, which is awesome. Thanks to everyone who voted or commented (yay or nay, the important thing is discussion!), hopefully we'll hear back soon.

[misstanding]

Holy smokes, this thread is great. Unfortunately, I'm still working my way through it all.

I think I might be aromantic, because while I've been in romantic relationships before I've never gotten the 'feelings' behind it (despite my best efforts). Not to mention all the cuddling and kissing and whatnot makes me uncomfortable as all get out. Even touching and holding hands makes me feel awkward.

The first post mentioned this briefly, but I'm wondering if anyone has more information about being aromantic and sexual? Or if maybe it was mentioned somewhere in the thread that I haven't seen it yet? I realize there may not be a lot here, but any info you guys can share would be much appreciated.

[Almagest]

The first post mentioned this briefly, but I'm wondering if anyone has more information about being aromantic and sexual? Or if maybe it was mentioned somewhere in the thread that I haven't seen it yet? I realize there may not be a lot here, but any info you guys can share would be much appreciated.

An aromantic sexual would be someone who experiences sexual attraction but not romantic attraction. Unfortunately, that's all I can tell you since I'm an aromantic asexual and I only know the definition.

Welcome to AVEN!

[Prince of Tea]

He's a trans guy and has a lot of problems with that, and said it often feels like nobody would ever love him. I really wanted to be that person who would, I tried, and I just-- couldn't.

This is exactly how I feel about a friend of mine! She's wonderful and amazing and I have a squish on her, but I don't think I could date her for reasons (reasons like I'm an aro-ace trans guy and she's a lesbian). I just want to be that person to make her feel loved, but I've learned the hard way that wanting to make someone feel loved is not the same thing as being in love with them. But yeah, you're not alone in feeling this way. :3

[Quiverfree]

Holy smokes, this thread is great. Unfortunately, I'm still working my way through it all.

I think I might be aromantic, because while I've been in romantic relationships before I've never gotten the 'feelings' behind it (despite my best efforts). Not to mention all the cuddling and kissing and whatnot makes me uncomfortable as all get out. Even touching and holding hands makes me feel awkward.

The first post mentioned this briefly, but I'm wondering if anyone has more information about being aromantic and sexual? Or if maybe it was mentioned somewhere in the thread that I haven't seen it yet? I realize there may not be a lot here, but any info you guys can share would be much appreciated.

I'm aromantic sexual though I'm still new here. "Never gotten the 'feelings' behind it" describes me perfectly, and I've never been in a romantic relationship or tried to. I would be comfortable with touching if I felt it was completely sexual, but it always seems bizarre to me when people hug or hold hands and want it to be a sign of affection.

There's definitely more information about aromantic sexuals on this thread and others if you dig for it. I've been doing a lot of digging since I discovered the term.

[RainbowsandFlowers]

Holy smokes, this thread is great. Unfortunately, I'm still working my way through it all.

I think I might be aromantic, because while I've been in romantic relationships before I've never gotten the 'feelings' behind it (despite my best efforts). Not to mention all the cuddling and kissing and whatnot makes me uncomfortable as all get out. Even touching and holding hands makes me feel awkward.

The first post mentioned this briefly, but I'm wondering if anyone has more information about being aromantic and sexual? Or if maybe it was mentioned somewhere in the thread that I haven't seen it yet? I realize there may not be a lot here, but any info you guys can share would be much appreciated.

I'm an aromantic sexual too, the definition of aromantic is really clear, someone that does not feel romantic attraction, is the definition for this "romantic attraction" that is trickier, in my case after reading as much as I could, hearing the opinions of a lot of people and thinking about it, I reached the conclusion that I can identify with the label because I can not understand the very concept of romantic attraction precisely because I can not feel it, I suppose is the kind of thing that you "just know", think about your sexual attraction, you just know that you have it, don't you? For me romantic attraction doesn't feel like that, I'm utterly confused about it and I have this feeling that I'm missing something whenever other people talk about it.

[Trava u doma]

Hey, welcome everyone ^_^ (said she, having ~30 posts herself...)

[Quiverfree]

I'm an aromantic sexual too, the definition of aromantic is really clear, someone that does not feel romantic attraction, is the definition for this "romantic attraction" that is trickier, in my case after reading as much as I could, hearing the opinions of a lot of people and thinking about it, I reached the conclusion that I can identify with the label because I can not understand the very concept of romantic attraction precisely because I can not feel it, I suppose is the kind of thing that you "just know", think about your sexual attraction, you just know that you have it, don't you? For me romantic attraction doesn't feel like that, I'm utterly confused about it and I have this feeling that I'm missing something whenever other people talk about it.

Similar here. I had some idea (probably distorted) of what romance is from fiction when I was still a little kid, but never felt anything remotely like it in real life. I think at a minimum, when romantic sexuals see someone sexy, they want to get to know that person better. Or even if they don't feel that way about everyone they're sexually attracted to, they feel like it would be a natural reaction. I've been sexually attracted to people since I was 13 and never felt any urge to change my social relationship to them. It really freaked me out at first, and then I spent years (I'm 23 now) trying to analyze what other people actually felt and how I was different from them. I'm still not sure I understand what romantic attraction means, but there's no question I don't experience it. I'm just so relieved to have a term that distinguishes it from sexual attraction.

[maven]

Welcome everyone!

I'm an aromantic sexual as well. Unfortunatly I don't have any info or links to give you, misstanding, but there are a couple of us on here, and I've seen a couple random tumblr/blog posts about it. If you have any questions, feel free to ask them here or start a thread.