Jump to content

The Aromantic thread


Guest

Recommended Posts

Hi. I'm trying to figure out if I'm aromantic - I think I might be, but I'm not sure and any help would be sooo appreciated (I need to put this identity search to rest already! :huh: )

- I have never had a crush. Of any sort (even the "celebrity crush"). And I mean EVER.

- I can picture being in a relationship with both men and women (which makes me think I'm biromantic) BUT I don't know if the relationship drive is just so low that it doesn't matter that I don't have a gender preference.

- I might like kissing, but I find holding hands, snuggling, hugs, and handshakes very awkward.

- HOWEVER, I think I do still want a relationship for the whole "I can talk to you about anything" and a deeper (but barely physical) connection in general.

So, what do you think? Am I aromantic?? SUPER THANK YOU (and many :cake: ) to those who help me!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi. I'm trying to figure out if I'm aromantic - I think I might be, but I'm not sure and any help would be sooo appreciated (I need to put this identity search to rest already! :huh: )

- I have never had a crush. Of any sort (even the "celebrity crush"). And I mean EVER.

- I can picture being in a relationship with both men and women (which makes me think I'm biromantic) BUT I don't know if the relationship drive is just so low that it doesn't matter that I don't have a gender preference.

- I might like kissing, but I find holding hands, snuggling, hugs, and handshakes very awkward.

- HOWEVER, I think I do still want a relationship for the whole "I can talk to you about anything" and a deeper (but barely physical) connection in general.

So, what do you think? Am I aromantic?? SUPER THANK YOU (and many :cake: ) to those who help me!

There are different levels of being aromantic, just like there are different levels of anything. :) It's what you believe, overall--how do you think you feel, after reading comments and posts from the aromantics here? I'm not one to label anyone one way, it's what you ultimately believe that makes the choice. Just because you feel that you are one, doesn't mean you have to constrain yourself to the 'image'. Always be true to yourself. Worry about the labels later. ^^; Sorry, I'm not much help.

With me, like others--it's simply that I can't see myself in a romantic relationship at all. I've had people tell me I'm pretty and they want to hug me and I stare at them and go 'why?' Hugging is uncomfortable me; let's not even get into anything beyond that. It's fine for other people, but when I try to imagine doing it, my mind blanks out completely and it's so far from realistic when applied to me, I can't even form a picture.

I also don't want to-- it's just again a 'why' and I'm far more comfortable hugging my cat and having him snuggle up to me at night. It gives me the heebie-jeebies to imagine it with anyone else. ^^; Romance is fine to look at and observe, but for me itself, the inclination to do it is just not there.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Gho St Ory Qwan

I had to seriously rethink how romantic I am. I'm still a grey. Ohh am I possibly a romantic grey-aromantic? lmao

I can say I'm romantic and want a relationship, but the way I like those I'm romantically attracted to is the way I'm attracted to other living things (yes, sometimes even trees). I love them and wanna spend time with them and hug them and make them happy.

I even get the same warm fuzzy feeling from being with pets, (especially cats) as I do with humans (especially guys). SO maybe... I'm not, maybe I am.

Like Lazuli said, it's what you identify as ultimately. No one else can deside. So right now I'm thinking Im romantic. Aha

(Or I AM a grey-aromantic! :blink: )

Link to post
Share on other sites

To open up another discussion, does anybody have any aromantic - friendly movies/fiction/etc. that they would like to recommend?

For me, one movie that comes to mind is 'Stick it'. Yeah, it's aimed at teenage girls, but what I found awesome was the fact that the protagonist (Haley) doesn't have/end up with a love interest (and in any fiction aimed at teenage girls, how are is that?!)

But most of all, what I loved was the fact that both of her best friends were guys, and nobody, neither does the narrative, really question why nether of her relationships is romantic (well, one of her female friends does ask whether her relationship is romantic, but only because she herself is, if that makes any sense..no jealousy though, which is awesome) ... ie. the film actually values the friendship between her and the guys, and doesn't suggest that romance is 'better' or more valid.

So yeah, I say it's definitely worth checking out

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hot_Air_Balloons

Thanks for creating this thread!!! :) I'm aromatic and and sometimes feel left out even on AVEN since most of the posts seem to be for romantics.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Trolley Girl

As I see it: Romance is for the weak-minded, just to sum it all up from my perspective.

And perhaps you aren't strong enough or too selfish for a relationship. Is it just never possible to talk about your own orientation without demeaning that of someone else?

I'm just WAY too strong-minded to let anyone seduce me or suck me in. It's happened to my dad TWICE! It's just that over time, since I was about 13, now 23, I have become ever more hostile towards the idea of a relationship in my case. I have become ever more rock-solid as I have witnessed more and more happenings that re-affirm the validity of my aromantic posture.

As I see it: Romance is for the weak-minded, just to sum it all up from my perspective.

...why?

Like I've said before, I am just way too strong-minded with an indestructible posture which has only been getting stronger as I age.

As I see it: Romance is for the weak-minded, just to sum it all up from my perspective.

I actually think that it takes great courage and strength to pursue something as tricky and insubstantial as feelings for another person. It's a great risk that one takes to expose his/her emotions to another, who might reject them or with whom the relationship might not go well.

I sometimes wonder if I'm deluding myself with excuses for my lack of romantic relationships. Sometimes I wonder if I really am just a coward ^^;

I don't take such risks, only because I know for a fact that relationships are FAR more trouble than they're worth. I don't even have to go through with it myself (well, could could I? I am as aromantic as it is possible to be!); I have seen it happen in WAY too many peoples' cases. So I am not a coward, but instead I am the sort of man who feels FAR more powerful than most others. Heck, I've had NOT ONE crush in my entire life, so this is how I know.

Link to post
Share on other sites
CreepyCrawler

I know for a fact that relationships are FAR more trouble than they're worth.

Perhaps for you and me, but then we don't get the same feeling from relationships that other people do, now do we? That's why we're here after all.

Have you considered that the reason you don't get crushes etc. is simply an inherent neurological difference between you and romantics? And it would be awfully silly to be bragging about something like that. Like bragging about color-blindness. :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites

As I see it: Romance is for the weak-minded, just to sum it all up from my perspective.

I actually think that it takes great courage and strength to pursue something as tricky and insubstantial as feelings for another person. It's a great risk that one takes to expose his/her emotions to another, who might reject them or with whom the relationship might not go well.

I sometimes wonder if I'm deluding myself with excuses for my lack of romantic relationships. Sometimes I wonder if I really am just a coward ^^;

I don't take such risks, only because I know for a fact that relationships are FAR more trouble than they're worth. I don't even have to go through with it myself (well, could could I? I am as aromantic as it is possible to be!); I have seen it happen in WAY too many peoples' cases. So I am not a coward, but instead I am the sort of man who feels FAR more powerful than most others. Heck, I've had NOT ONE crush in my entire life, so this is how I know.

Trolley Boy, i've been following this thread with interest, as i guess you could say i'm sort of a romantic asexual ally. i'm engaged to be married to another AVENite; but although romantic attraction is an inherent part of my identity, i've gone on record as saying i respect and admire aromantics for bearing testament to the incontrovertible truth that romantic attraction isn't the only valid form of human interaction, and that one can be a happy, healthy member of the human race without ever being a part of a couple. i believe that absolutely, and i think it's an important message, so i hope you won't question my intentions here.

i would simply encourage you to consider that not every romantic relationship falls into the pattern you've experienced and described. i've been witness to several strong romantic partnerships that have lasted half a century or more in which each person's life was enhanced, rather than diminished, by the presence of the other person in it. i in no way mean to suggest that this is a superior mode of existence, merely that it is an equally viable one, and that one doesn't have to be easily duped or of weak mind to engage in a long-term romantic relationship. i'm not offended by your remarks, because i can see how you could come to that conclusion through your own personal experience. but i'd be grateful if you would at least ponder the possibility that those who seek romantic relationships are neither better nor worse than aromantics, but merely different.

i'll continue to watch this thread, and i will always defend aromantics to anyone, asexual or otherwise, who might be tempted to dismiss them; just as i will defend romantics to anyone who might be tempted to dismiss them as well. i am an equal-opportunity defender.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Trolley Boy, i've been following this thread with interest, as i guess you could say i'm sort of a romantic asexual ally. i'm engaged to be married to another AVENite; but although romantic attraction is an inherent part of my identity, i've gone on record as saying i respect and admire aromantics for bearing testament to the incontrovertible truth that romantic attraction isn't the only valid form of human interaction, and that one can be a happy, healthy member of the human race without ever being a part of a couple. i believe that absolutely, and i think it's an important message, so i hope you won't question my intentions here.

i would simply encourage you to consider that not every romantic relationship falls into the pattern you've experienced and described. i've been witness to several strong romantic partnerships that have lasted half a century or more in which each person's life was enhanced, rather than diminished, by the presence of the other person in it. i in no way mean to suggest that this is a superior mode of existence, merely that it is an equally viable one, and that one doesn't have to be easily duped or of weak mind to engage in a long-term romantic relationship. i'm not offended by your remarks, because i can see how you could come to that conclusion through your own personal experience. but i'd be grateful if you would at least ponder the possibility that those who seek romantic relationships are neither better nor worse than aromantics, but merely different.

i'll continue to watch this thread, and i will always defend aromantics to anyone, asexual or otherwise, who might be tempted to dismiss them; just as i will defend romantics to anyone who might be tempted to dismiss them as well. i am an equal-opportunity defender.

I don't presume to speak for Trolley Boy or anyone else, but offering a perspective as an aromantic who sees romantic interactions as a sort of quaint habit that the rest of the world is obsessed with, I think that what you're talking about here is 'love' in the long term, 'partner-for-life', person you can depend on before anyone else sense. I don't doubt that that is a great thing to have. But the counterpart to it is the initial 'falling-in-love' or 'have a crush on' stuff, which is what I think Trolley Boy may be referring to.

To me as an outsider, these look totally different. 'partner-for-life' looks just like that; you can see that the people in that relationship trust each other completely, there's no real drama, and they're just comfortable with each other. They're perfectly able to exist contently apart, but when they are together you can see the whole is more than the sum of the parts. They are both in each other's space, and not.

On the other hand, 'in-love' or 'crushes' are totally different.* People in that stage seem to be scarily obsessed with whoever their target is, they behave irrationally in regards to that person, they are both envious and jealous in relation to that person, and they certainly don't trust that person. Especially not with the closeness that they seem to both desire and be afraid of. They are desperately unhappy when not around the other and delirious when they are. Its honestly terrifying to see people that you know and thought were sane like this.

I don't actually know any other asexual people, let alone romantic asexual people. Maybe romantic asexuals are lucky and get to skip over the 'in-love' stage; I wouldn't know, since I don't have subjects for observation. But when the majority of what you see around you is 'in-love' love, you don't really get a favourable impression of the state, especially if you can't relate and just think everyone's gone suddenly crazy.

*There are studies showing that this feeling is down to, among other chemicals, oxytocin in the brain, making it really a chemical addiction, lol.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Herr Joseph von Löthing

I CBF to read through the whole thread, but I will ask anyway.

Are there any other Aromantic souls out there who feel jealous of their romantic counterparts? Almost every time I see someone happy in a relationship, specifically in asexual relationships (something about sexual relationships freaks me out, I don't know what it is), I feel a pang of longing, wishing I could feel the same way as they do.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Trolley Boy, i've been following this thread with interest, as i guess you could say i'm sort of a romantic asexual ally. i'm engaged to be married to another AVENite; but although romantic attraction is an inherent part of my identity, i've gone on record as saying i respect and admire aromantics for bearing testament to the incontrovertible truth that romantic attraction isn't the only valid form of human interaction, and that one can be a happy, healthy member of the human race without ever being a part of a couple. i believe that absolutely, and i think it's an important message, so i hope you won't question my intentions here.

i would simply encourage you to consider that not every romantic relationship falls into the pattern you've experienced and described. i've been witness to several strong romantic partnerships that have lasted half a century or more in which each person's life was enhanced, rather than diminished, by the presence of the other person in it. i in no way mean to suggest that this is a superior mode of existence, merely that it is an equally viable one, and that one doesn't have to be easily duped or of weak mind to engage in a long-term romantic relationship. i'm not offended by your remarks, because i can see how you could come to that conclusion through your own personal experience. but i'd be grateful if you would at least ponder the possibility that those who seek romantic relationships are neither better nor worse than aromantics, but merely different.

i'll continue to watch this thread, and i will always defend aromantics to anyone, asexual or otherwise, who might be tempted to dismiss them; just as i will defend romantics to anyone who might be tempted to dismiss them as well. i am an equal-opportunity defender.

I don't presume to speak for Trolley Boy or anyone else, but offering a perspective as an aromantic who sees romantic interactions as a sort of quaint habit that the rest of the world is obsessed with, I think that what you're talking about here is 'love' in the long term, 'partner-for-life', person you can depend on before anyone else sense. I don't doubt that that is a great thing to have. But the counterpart to it is the initial 'falling-in-love' or 'have a crush on' stuff, which is what I think Trolley Boy may be referring to.

To me as an outsider, these look totally different. 'partner-for-life' looks just like that; you can see that the people in that relationship trust each other completely, there's no real drama, and they're just comfortable with each other. They're perfectly able to exist contently apart, but when they are together you can see the whole is more than the sum of the parts. They are both in each other's space, and not.

On the other hand, 'in-love' or 'crushes' are totally different.* People in that stage seem to be scarily obsessed with whoever their target is, they behave irrationally in regards to that person, they are both envious and jealous in relation to that person, and they certainly don't trust that person. Especially not with the closeness that they seem to both desire and be afraid of. They are desperately unhappy when not around the other and delirious when they are. Its honestly terrifying to see people that you know and thought were sane like this.

I don't actually know any other asexual people, let alone romantic asexual people. Maybe romantic asexuals are lucky and get to skip over the 'in-love' stage; I wouldn't know, since I don't have subjects for observation. But when the majority of what you see around you is 'in-love' love, you don't really get a favourable impression of the state, especially if you can't relate and just think everyone's gone suddenly crazy.

*There are studies showing that this feeling is down to, among other chemicals, oxytocin in the brain, making it really a chemical addiction, lol.

i'm not disputing anything you say, seposita; if anything, my only intention in replying is to offer some sort of perspective from someone who's actually currently experiencing what you're talking about. and let me say before anything else that i think romantics, sexual or asexual, who let romantic love interfere with their previous relationships are doing a disservice both to themselves and their friends. i've been on the receiving end of that more times than i can count, and it hurts, and it's wrong. being someone who experiences romantic attraction, i can vouch for the fact that it's no excuse to blow others off or to shirk your responsibilities or to generally act like a self-centered idiot. that's just plain wrong, and there's nothing to justify that. neither does envy or jealousy ever have a legitimate place in a loving and trusting relationship. those things are poison and a very bad sign. they're also not universal by any means.

that said--i am currently in love. the object of my affection makes me feel more whole and happy than i've ever felt. why? because she accepts me and allows me to be me in a way i've never been before. she helps me up when i stumble, and she cheers me up when i'm down. i'm not always able to do those things by myself; truthfully, i'm envious of those who are. i could still live a happy life if i didn't have someone like that in it, but it wouldn't be the same happy life, and i'm thirlled with the way things are, and the way things will be. i think in 10 or 20 years we may be in the state you describe, of being comfortable with each other; although our relationship is a non-traditional one, and we may not even always live under the same roof, so who knows. to be honest, i hope we'll always keep a romantic spark, and i think she does too. in some ways, for romantics, that spark is necessary to light a fire that can burn into glowing embers.

is romance a drug? probably, yes. but--i drink a bit. i enjoy the effect alcohol has on my brain. it makes me feel cheerful and more outgoing and happier with my lot in life. as long as i keep that in perspective and am not drunk 24 hours a day, i don't see how it hurts anyone, and in fact it makes my life much more bearable. again, it doesn't make me superior or inferior to a teetotaller, just different. that's all.

i apologize for co-opting this thread. it's the aromantic thread, after all, and i'm a romantic. you have the unassailable right to discuss whatever you wish to discuss here. i just wanted to put in my tuppence, and now i'm done. i support you all, and admire your stance. i hope you will respect mine as well.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Trolley Girl

Trolley Boy, i've been following this thread with interest, as i guess you could say i'm sort of a romantic asexual ally. i'm engaged to be married to another AVENite; but although romantic attraction is an inherent part of my identity, i've gone on record as saying i respect and admire aromantics for bearing testament to the incontrovertible truth that romantic attraction isn't the only valid form of human interaction, and that one can be a happy, healthy member of the human race without ever being a part of a couple. i believe that absolutely, and i think it's an important message, so i hope you won't question my intentions here.

i would simply encourage you to consider that not every romantic relationship falls into the pattern you've experienced and described. i've been witness to several strong romantic partnerships that have lasted half a century or more in which each person's life was enhanced, rather than diminished, by the presence of the other person in it. i in no way mean to suggest that this is a superior mode of existence, merely that it is an equally viable one, and that one doesn't have to be easily duped or of weak mind to engage in a long-term romantic relationship. i'm not offended by your remarks, because i can see how you could come to that conclusion through your own personal experience. but i'd be grateful if you would at least ponder the possibility that those who seek romantic relationships are neither better nor worse than aromantics, but merely different.

i'll continue to watch this thread, and i will always defend aromantics to anyone, asexual or otherwise, who might be tempted to dismiss them; just as i will defend romantics to anyone who might be tempted to dismiss them as well. i am an equal-opportunity defender.

P, this couldn't be any more accurate. Don't get me wrong, I am not dissing any of the romantics. I am merely stating how being a class-A aromantic makes me feel like a strong-minded and confident person, and how proud I am to be as such.

So, what you you're saying is that each and every mode of existence is equally viable, and that the only thing that makes it the superior mode of existence is the person and not the lifestyle as a universal whole? That there is no universal right or wrong way to live? If so, I fully agree! If a close friend or relative of mine wants to commit to someone else and get married, I NEVER hold it against them! EVER!

Cripes, within the past half a year, I have been to an engagement party for my only older male cousin (who actually suggested I become a member of AVEN, after hearing me out) in March, and a wedding for a female cousin in April.

So just because I have absolutely ZERO romantic interest, doesn't mean I never feel happy for those who DO have that sort of interest, and choose to commit to someone as such. I was only expressing my view on my own behalf in my previous posts. Simple as that! 8)

Link to post
Share on other sites

i appreciate that, Trolley Boy. i had a feeling there was some kind of miscommunication going on, rather than an actual disagreement, and i wanted to nip it in the bud before any romantics came in here and got their feelings hurt (although, as i said, i personally didn't take any offense at all). i've said elsewhere that i believe aromantic and romantic asexuals are two sides of the same coin, and at the end of the day, we have more commonalities than we do differences. i'm glad the aromantics have got at least a thread now for discussion. personally, i would have supported a forum; but that's neither here nor there at this point. as i've said, i'll be dropping in regularly, to lurk if not to contribute, because i'm more than interested in what you all have to say. i commend you all, and wish you the best.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Trolley Girl

Perhaps for you and me, but then we don't get the same feeling from relationships that other people do, now do we? That's why we're here after all.

Have you considered that the reason you don't get crushes etc. is simply an inherent neurological difference between you and romantics? And it would be awfully silly to be bragging about something like that. Like bragging about color-blindness. :lol:

Look at it this way: I am only stating that my 100% lack of romantic attraction affects me in a positive way, and that I see it as an advantage rather than a drawback, specifically in MY case. Note that I am not saying that it is superior to having a romantic attraction of any sort; I am merely praising it for the sole fact that it allows me to focus on the other pleasures that life has to offer. That's pretty much it. 8)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I CBF to read through the whole thread, but I will ask anyway.

Are there any other Aromantic souls out there who feel jealous of their romantic counterparts? Almost every time I see someone happy in a relationship, specifically in asexual relationships (something about sexual relationships freaks me out, I don't know what it is), I feel a pang of longing, wishing I could feel the same way as they do.

I don't really-- it's more of a "I wonder what that's like" and then I wince away from it. *laughs* But I think that being apart from the "normal" set of thinking or being left out of a "group" is hard sometimes; you want to belong, even if it doesn't make sense or it seems to go against your beliefs. Not saying that this doesn't make sense, but people like to band together, romantic, friendship, groupie XD or otherwise.

Link to post
Share on other sites
CreepyCrawler

Perhaps for you and me, but then we don't get the same feeling from relationships that other people do, now do we? That's why we're here after all.

Have you considered that the reason you don't get crushes etc. is simply an inherent neurological difference between you and romantics? And it would be awfully silly to be bragging about something like that. Like bragging about color-blindness. :lol:

Look at it this way: I am only stating that my 100% lack of romantic attraction affects me in a positive way, and that I see it as an advantage rather than a drawback, specifically in MY case. Note that I am not saying that it is superior to having a romantic attraction of any sort; I am merely praising it for the sole fact that it allows me to focus on the other pleasures that life has to offer. That's pretty much it. 8)

Gotcha! ^_^ After reading this and your last post I'm satisfied and I'd even say I'm on the same page. Though I do experience crushes and infatuation (I blame the pheromones), I don't have the (something) to push me to form long-term relationships, which leaves my life nice and open to pursue whatever interests me. So for me aromanticism means freedom. Romantics must commit a part of themselves to their significant other, but I'm free to commit my whole self to any project I want.

Society may call me immature, claim that I'm just afraid of commitment, but I know this is right for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Trolley Girl

Hi. I'm trying to figure out if I'm aromantic - I think I might be, but I'm not sure and any help would be sooo appreciated (I need to put this identity search to rest already! :huh: )

- I have never had a crush. Of any sort (even the "celebrity crush"). And I mean EVER.

- I can picture being in a relationship with both men and women (which makes me think I'm biromantic) BUT I don't know if the relationship drive is just so low that it doesn't matter that I don't have a gender preference.

- I might like kissing, but I find holding hands, snuggling, hugs, and handshakes very awkward.

- HOWEVER, I think I do still want a relationship for the whole "I can talk to you about anything" and a deeper (but barely physical) connection in general.

So, what do you think? Am I aromantic?? SUPER THANK YOU (and many :cake: ) to those who help me!

Hmmmmmm... this sounds especially interesting. I can say I can relate to this to some degree, so I MIGHT have an idea where you're coming from.

As you may notice from my previous posts, I've never had a crush either. Given this honest fact, and your statement that you can picture yourself in a relationship with both men and women, that can raise alot of questions indeed.

As for the kissing thing, I can definitely say I don't mind it; I routinely hug and cheek-kiss with my many lady friends all the time, just because I see it as a socially acceptable form of greeting or bidding of goodbye. I even had one girl kiss me on the lips in a bar; not sure what the motive was, but I was neither disgusted nor aroused by it, but was rather indifferent to it.

So, I think the best opinion I can give is this:

I truly think that you are aromantic, but you want the type of relationship in which the person can fully understand you and listen to you, and be willing to hear everything you have to say. For example, someone who can effectively cheer you up, encourage you, make you feel great from the inside out, whatever else. Basically someone to whom you are so close, it is as if you and the other person are telepathically connected-each can feel what the other is feeling.

I have a few such relationships. They are merely friendships with both men and women alike whom I consider to be close enough to be brothers and sisters that I never had. So, in short: you just want to have someone you can talk to about anything and vent/express your true inner thoughts-basically an outlet.

Does this help at all? Tell me honestly! 8)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Trolley Boy, i've been following this thread with interest, as i guess you could say i'm sort of a romantic asexual ally. i'm engaged to be married to another AVENite; but although romantic attraction is an inherent part of my identity, i've gone on record as saying i respect and admire aromantics for bearing testament to the incontrovertible truth that romantic attraction isn't the only valid form of human interaction, and that one can be a happy, healthy member of the human race without ever being a part of a couple. i believe that absolutely, and i think it's an important message, so i hope you won't question my intentions here.

i would simply encourage you to consider that not every romantic relationship falls into the pattern you've experienced and described. i've been witness to several strong romantic partnerships that have lasted half a century or more in which each person's life was enhanced, rather than diminished, by the presence of the other person in it. i in no way mean to suggest that this is a superior mode of existence, merely that it is an equally viable one, and that one doesn't have to be easily duped or of weak mind to engage in a long-term romantic relationship. i'm not offended by your remarks, because i can see how you could come to that conclusion through your own personal experience. but i'd be grateful if you would at least ponder the possibility that those who seek romantic relationships are neither better nor worse than aromantics, but merely different.

i'll continue to watch this thread, and i will always defend aromantics to anyone, asexual or otherwise, who might be tempted to dismiss them; just as i will defend romantics to anyone who might be tempted to dismiss them as well. i am an equal-opportunity defender.

I don't presume to speak for Trolley Boy or anyone else, but offering a perspective as an aromantic who sees romantic interactions as a sort of quaint habit that the rest of the world is obsessed with, I think that what you're talking about here is 'love' in the long term, 'partner-for-life', person you can depend on before anyone else sense. I don't doubt that that is a great thing to have. But the counterpart to it is the initial 'falling-in-love' or 'have a crush on' stuff, which is what I think Trolley Boy may be referring to.

To me as an outsider, these look totally different. 'partner-for-life' looks just like that; you can see that the people in that relationship trust each other completely, there's no real drama, and they're just comfortable with each other. They're perfectly able to exist contently apart, but when they are together you can see the whole is more than the sum of the parts. They are both in each other's space, and not.

On the other hand, 'in-love' or 'crushes' are totally different.* People in that stage seem to be scarily obsessed with whoever their target is, they behave irrationally in regards to that person, they are both envious and jealous in relation to that person, and they certainly don't trust that person. Especially not with the closeness that they seem to both desire and be afraid of. They are desperately unhappy when not around the other and delirious when they are. Its honestly terrifying to see people that you know and thought were sane like this.

I don't actually know any other asexual people, let alone romantic asexual people. Maybe romantic asexuals are lucky and get to skip over the 'in-love' stage; I wouldn't know, since I don't have subjects for observation. But when the majority of what you see around you is 'in-love' love, you don't really get a favourable impression of the state, especially if you can't relate and just think everyone's gone suddenly crazy.

*There are studies showing that this feeling is down to, among other chemicals, oxytocin in the brain, making it really a chemical addiction, lol.

i'm not disputing anything you say, seposita; if anything, my only intention in replying is to offer some sort of perspective from someone who's actually currently experiencing what you're talking about. and let me say before anything else that i think romantics, sexual or asexual, who let romantic love interfere with their previous relationships are doing a disservice both to themselves and their friends. i've been on the receiving end of that more times than i can count, and it hurts, and it's wrong. being someone who experiences romantic attraction, i can vouch for the fact that it's no excuse to blow others off or to shirk your responsibilities or to generally act like a self-centered idiot. that's just plain wrong, and there's nothing to justify that. neither does envy or jealousy ever have a legitimate place in a loving and trusting relationship. those things are poison and a very bad sign. they're also not universal by any means.

that said--i am currently in love. the object of my affection makes me feel more whole and happy than i've ever felt. why? because she accepts me and allows me to be me in a way i've never been before. she helps me up when i stumble, and she cheers me up when i'm down. i'm not always able to do those things by myself; truthfully, i'm envious of those who are. i could still live a happy life if i didn't have someone like that in it, but it wouldn't be the same happy life, and i'm thirlled with the way things are, and the way things will be. i think in 10 or 20 years we may be in the state you describe, of being comfortable with each other; although our relationship is a non-traditional one, and we may not even always live under the same roof, so who knows. to be honest, i hope we'll always keep a romantic spark, and i think she does too. in some ways, for romantics, that spark is necessary to light a fire that can burn into glowing embers.

is romance a drug? probably, yes. but--i drink a bit. i enjoy the effect alcohol has on my brain. it makes me feel cheerful and more outgoing and happier with my lot in life. as long as i keep that in perspective and am not drunk 24 hours a day, i don't see how it hurts anyone, and in fact it makes my life much more bearable. again, it doesn't make me superior or inferior to a teetotaller, just different. that's all.

i apologize for co-opting this thread. it's the aromantic thread, after all, and i'm a romantic. you have the unassailable right to discuss whatever you wish to discuss here. i just wanted to put in my tuppence, and now i'm done. i support you all, and admire your stance. i hope you will respect mine as well.

I wasn't intending to question your views that romance and romantic people are perfectly fine as they are, or that it isn't a rewarding state for them to be in. Rather, that as someone that really can't imagine either stage of love, it looks that way to me. I don't personally consider myself either better off or not for being aromantic, I just am, and as I said, romantic interactions look to me more like a quaint habit everyone else has. I can't imagine being there.

Being 'in-love' is a part of getting to the stage of 'long-term love', as far as I can tell, anyway. Since you tell me that that is part of the progression for you as well, I'll assume that it's part of most if not all romantic progressions. Due to this, it's a rewarding experience for those that feel it. As an aromantic, I can't imagine either applying to me, and since the behaviours are so different, I mentally separate them. 'in-love' is scary to me; this is the stage where the person you knew before disappears and this obsessive double is left in their place. I'm certain that many people can handle this sensibly, but - from my perspective, it's having a negative impact on their emotional stability and overall rationality.

Put in context when it leads to the rather more admirable 'long-term love' it makes a lot more sense. Due to the disconnect I mentioned earlier, and the prevalence of examples of 'in-love' (and not terribly happily at that, both in the media and life around me) romantic love sometimes seems like a very unenviable state, and when it won't lead to a steady relationship (say, being unrequited) I think it might be. When I do see people who are obviously in the 'long-term' stage, or getting there, I think it is a wonderful thing for them. At least, they look to be very happy! :lol:

As to the chemical component, well it is. But not any more than thrill seekers are addicted to adrenaline. Except, I suspect that romance has a rather lower risk of life and limb. All our thoughts are neurochemical signals anyway, haha. I like your comparison, just like alcoholics or adrenaline junkies are not in a good place (they can't control their need for the chemical of their choice), I doubt that 'romance junkies'(?) would be in a good place either. But that comment was intended to be a joke, or an interesting piece of trivia, not to cheapen the feeling of romance.

I CBF to read through the whole thread, but I will ask anyway.

Are there any other Aromantic souls out there who feel jealous of their romantic counterparts? Almost every time I see someone happy in a relationship, specifically in asexual relationships (something about sexual relationships freaks me out, I don't know what it is), I feel a pang of longing, wishing I could feel the same way as they do.

I don't, personally. I see it and think something like "Aw, how sweet" or "They look so happy together". If I try to think of that in relation to myself my brain breaks, lol. Sometimes it feels a bit alienating, because everyone else clearly 'gets it', but then I don't think about it any more than that. It's interesting to watch people at it though, even if I'm not able to relate.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I CBF to read through the whole thread, but I will ask anyway.

Are there any other Aromantic souls out there who feel jealous of their romantic counterparts? Almost every time I see someone happy in a relationship, specifically in asexual relationships (something about sexual relationships freaks me out, I don't know what it is), I feel a pang of longing, wishing I could feel the same way as they do.

As someone who considered their self aromantic for a long time and then realized they were demisexual, I'd say there are pros and cons to both. In many ways I miss the simplicity of being aromantic though, But I also do love the person I'm with. Explaining demisexuality is a lot harder than aromanticism (if thats even a word)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so glad for this thread!! Thank you!! :)

I'm aromantic too. I can love a woman my age as a sister, an older woman as a maternal figure (I have a mom already), and a little girl (or small animal) as a daughter, but that's it. (I don't like guys.)

But that's all hypothetical. I find it just about impossible to keep friends in our culture that places romance far above friendship.

While I have the capacity for crushes, I think it's just part of my obsessive nature rather than an actual romantic drive. Having a crush makes me feel sick, like being on a roller coaster; it also turns me into a person I don't like. So, I don't do anything for even the little part of me that would like to be in a romantic relationship.

I know better than to make anti-romantic comments, since the romantics who look at this thread will be offended and derail this thread (though why they want to participate in a thread that's just for us is beyond me... I don't go into the "older asexuals" or "sexual partners" subforums because I am neither older nor sexual). Suffice it to say that I find it tiring to live in this culture that elevates romance to such a supreme status. (Before you take offense, my mom feels the same way, and she's romantic.) It feels like being stranded in a primitive culture where the people worship statues--no offense intended to the romantics, of course. I find that I can't identify with others my age because of it. I find that I get along best with older women who (by their own admission) are past the age for all that stuff--but they can't be seen alone with me because I'm 26 and present as male, so I can't get intimate friends that way... [sigh]

I'm trapped between worlds--but not for the reason everyone thinks.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thought I would pop by. Fellow aromantic here. Much like sex, I never really thought much about romance since it was never important to me, and I didn't really begin to think much of it until a year ago. That's when I discovered AVEN and asexuality along with aromanticism. It all still describes me quite well. Despite not being romantic, I do still form deeper relationships with females than males in terms of friendship, so I reckon that if I were romantic at all, I'd be homoromantic. But all the same, I'm aromantic, and I love it. I've even heard romantic asexuals say that "all the cool kids are aromantic." :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites
Trolley Girl

Thought I would pop by. Fellow aromantic here. Much like sex, I never really thought much about romance since it was never important to me, and I didn't really begin to think much of it until a year ago. That's when I discovered AVEN and asexuality along with aromanticism. It all still describes me quite well. Despite not being romantic, I do still form deeper relationships with females than males in terms of friendship, so I reckon that if I were romantic at all, I'd be homoromantic. But all the same, I'm aromantic, and I love it. I've even heard romantic asexuals say that "all the cool kids are aromantic." :lol:

Your situation seems to be very similar to mine, except the fact that among all the friends I have, no friendship I have with a woman is ever more intense than any friendship I have with another man, and vice versa. As I see it, people are people, and the only thing I take into consideration is their level of sociability and moral character. In short, I am proud of being aromantic (as you may have guessed from my previous posts on this thread), and I love being friends with people without taking into account their sex or gender identity. Simply put.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Romance is for babies. Literally. /joking, sort of.

I've always thought of myself as a very romantic person. I used to dream about romance and enjoy romantic fiction. It's just that I never actually imagined myself as a part of that romance, or in a relationship. The thought always made my eyes role. Sometimes I develop some sort of liking for a guy (or girl), but the moment he starts hitting on me, I become instantly disgusted for some reason. I begin to resent them, even if it's a close friend who I 'like.' I have no idea why. For me, romance is pure fantasy, and can be enjoyed as fantasy, but has no practical purpose. When I really think about it, romance is in its very nature a fantasy played in real life (I'm differentiating romance from long-term partnership).

I'm afraid that my distaste for romance IRL is a result of how it has negatively affected me from the outside. Every friend I've ever been able to become close to emotionally has distanced themselves from me for the sake of a fleeting romantic relationship. That's life, I know, but the way they acted was just...ridiculous in my eyes. I wish people would value friendship over romance. I just believe that friendship is a true, rational, and spiritual love while romance is simply irrational and temporary.

One of the major issues I've had to struggle with is not letting society tell me what will make me happy. I realized that the only reason I used to be so upset for having never been in a relationship was because I had been brainwashed to believe that romance was the ONE AND ONLY cure for loneliness and life's problems. It's so much like a religion it's scary. For some people, romance and commitment will be extremely fulfilling for the rest of their lives. At least, that is what they claim. Not for me. Some people may realize that they are far too complex to be completely emotionally satisfied by one other person. That's all.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I CBF to read through the whole thread, but I will ask anyway.

Are there any other Aromantic souls out there who feel jealous of their romantic counterparts? Almost every time I see someone happy in a relationship, specifically in asexual relationships (something about sexual relationships freaks me out, I don't know what it is), I feel a pang of longing, wishing I could feel the same way as they do.

Not jealous, in a sense. Sometimes, I do wonder what it would be like to have a partner to love me as much as I love them because romantics who talk about their partners have some wonderful stories to tell. It's a feeling that's become a bit stronger since I've moved away from all my friends and family (so it does feel a tad lonesome).

But then, I hear of some of the negatives about having a partner. One of my co-workers was saying how she went to bed early and, sometime during the night, her boyfriend joined her in bed and disturbed her, waking her up. I was like, "LOL I live alone so I sleep until it's time to get up for work or because I want to." Then I don't feel so bad :D

Link to post
Share on other sites

I just found this thread now, and I'll go back and read the other 2 pages later (it's almost 4am and I should really get to bed) but I saw this post and wanted to comment:

I'm probably an extreme example. I even find the idea of platonic friendship sort of alien. Most of my friendships are on a cerebral, non-emotional level. It's rare for me to have anyone I just like to "hang out" with. I dislike any physical contact (even high fives and handshakes bug me) and a romantic relationships is so completely out of the question it might as well be from another planet. Still, I recognize that I'm the alien here. The vast majority of human beings seem to do just fine with their romantic, sexual, and platonic lives.I think it's interesting to note that the idea of romantic and sexual orientation not neccesarily being in line is something that sexuals experience too. I know someone who identifes as homosexual and biromantic; he is romantically (but not sexually) attracted to women and both sexually and romantically attracted to men. In that context, being a romantic asexual makes sense, or any combination of sexual or romantic orientations.But for me: no thanks, and no thanks.

I totally relate to the bold parts. I go out and socialize only when my room mate drags me out, and I'd totally be happy stranded on a desert island with just me and a volleyball with a face drawn on it. I recently spent 5 days camping alone with my dog and could have stayed out there for weeks on end. I have only had one squish (crush-thing) since discovering my asexuality (or well, putting a proper term on my asexuality) and the feelings it brings up make me really uncomfortable. I can talk about that more after I've read through these other posts but I just wanted to put in my two cents while I'm still conscious.

Hello fellow Arom-ers! I shall be back to discuss LOTS when I've gotten some sleep.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Some people may realize that they are far too complex to be completely emotionally satisfied by one other person. That's all.

It's a misconception that people in romantic relationships are completely emotionally satisfied by one other person. Romantic people have friends they share things with their SO isn't interest in, for example, and not all romantic people abandon everybody else upon falling in love with someone. Believe it or not, romantic people are even capable of putting a friend's interest before that of their SO's. It is a matter of personalities, not romantic or aromantic orientation.

I believe you, I just wish that was the reality of my life and the people I know. People start to become suspicious and jealous when at least 110% of their time isn't spent with SO, or they keep something personal from them. I'm young, this is the world I've lived in up to this point.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Some people may realize that they are far too complex to be completely emotionally satisfied by one other person. That's all.

It's a misconception that people in romantic relationships are completely emotionally satisfied by one other person. Romantic people have friends they share things with their SO isn't interest in, for example, and not all romantic people abandon everybody else upon falling in love with someone. Believe it or not, romantic people are even capable of putting a friend's interest before that of their SO's. It is a matter of personalities, not romantic or aromantic orientation.

I believe you, I just wish that was the reality of my life and the people I know. People start to become suspicious and jealous when at least 110% of their time isn't spent with SO, or they keep something personal from them. I'm young, this is the world I've lived in up to this point.

I don't know how old you are, but I'm 26 and that is exactly my experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...