Jobs and asexuality

[GreenRemindsMe]

How do people who call themselves asexuals manage their jobs? And how do co-workers react to it?

...what does work have to do with sex?

[Face]

This makes me glad to be a contractor. At times I have to fake interest in girls when socializing after work and for now get comments about good it must be to be young free and single. I can't help thinking it's going to get harder as I reach middle age and expected to be married.

Having the skills to move onto the next project every few months gives me some comfort. I don't think I could keep up the acting for too long.

I've come out to one guy at work after he admitted sexual problems but it was premature ejaculation in his case. That was at a bank too but he was a fellow nerd. I dread the oversexed ones finding out.

[Gotanks0407]

Work can be difficult because everyone is putting their nose in your business and trying to find out personal stuff. If you tell them personal stuff, it will be repeated. The person who repeats will be giggling about you the next day. Men are just as bad as women or even worse -- I got my tires slashed because I told a VP Marketing to keep his hands off. Co-workers can be very immature and say inappropriate things and make you very uncomfortable. You cannot tell then you're asexual because most people are too uneducated to understand that sort of thing and it will be broadcasted all over the company within five minutes and soon word will get around you've got both boy & girl parts or something... adults really act like middle school kids with a few gray hairs and some so-called adults never really grow up.

Watch out what you say in the workplace. People will use "news" about a co-worker to whisper at breaktime and jockey for social status in the office. Whoever has the best gossip will have more social status.

So if you're asexual, keep you're mouth shut at work.

... I remember one place where I worked, I was the only one who got anything done, because the rest of the crew were either bothering the men in the warehouse, or fighting with boyfriends on the phone, and after getting off the phone, they would burst into tears and all the rest of the girls in the office would surrounded them and comfort them... this disturbing drama went on all freaking day, from Mon. thru Fri. The phone fight would be like 45 minutes, then the person would need another hour to be calmed down by the other useless types, then they would all "go on break" for another hour... this went on a lot. One day this one who was frequently hysterical found actual work in her in-box. 'Oh my God. I gotta type a letter. I don't know how to type a letter... ' (No kidding. Really. The company was in this town with a low education level & they hired people with no skills other than dressing sexy... Lookit, I am not making this up... ) So I came over and goes, 'Look, first type today's date, then the address of the person it's going to... ' 'Can't you just do it for me???' Sigh... 'Okay.' The boss thought she did the letter and told her she did a good job...

The asexual person in the office (me) was the only one working in that freakin place. It was really frustrating. I carried the entire workload while everyone else flirted, fought, argued, took long breaks, did their nails at their desk... (this one who could not type liked to do her nails in purple with pink sparklies)... the dumb boss kept these girls (they were legally adults, but did not act it) because they dressed foxy... the boss knew I was dependable but never did anything about that useless crew. They looked too good to get rid off, maybe....

Conclusion: Companies should put job listings on the Aven website. They will get employees who can work and a lot less drama in the office.

This sounds like exactly the place i work in, but its men, and all of this is pretty much repeated in a different way, since i work in a warehouse, its all about who "scored" last night who and how it was, for the first hour they are there, then they work a little call break, and rinse and repeat, and they are always on me for not working as hard as them, and management always hassles me because i am at the bottom of the social status chain, but i dont have things to add to there "discussion" its all bulls***. and if you say anything its just held against you. its all quite immature.

[Pandoren]

I think in a person's life there are going to be issues that determine if a place is a Good Workplace or a Bad Workplace. For example, other people might pick on you for being overweight, or ginger, or supporting the wrong football team, or simply because although you are a nice person and they are nice people, you just aren't compatible company. If Bligyn is happiest out and proud, then suppressing it in the workplace might help to make it a place that isn't the happiest it could be. There is a chance people won't understand. But there is a chance that they will and then Bligyn can be in a complete environment. Acceptance makes friends.

But no one has to say anything. Asexuality shouldn't affect anything in the workplace and any people who act against it, well, there are laws about that. Unless you are a sexy woman who the boss hired as his secretary in the hope that you would work... after hours... then I don't think you'll lose your job or anything over it.

[Aiko_spacer]

I just say I'm not interested in relations, marriage 'and all that shit'. Sadly enough I get the 'your still young' thing allot.

How do people who call themselves asexuals manage their jobs? And how do co-workers react to it?

...what does work have to do with sex?

believe it or not, people talk about sex during work hours at my place. Its very uncomfy ... but sadly enough it happens :| and when they do I really have no clue how to react at all

[Verp]

When I worked at an industrial laundry, nobody gave a damn. Really, I was out to some people and most of the older workers basically just nodded and took another sip of coffee when they found out. Then again, they worked at a rather dehumanising, stressful job, so my coworkers didn't really have time or energy to start giving a damn about the sexual orientation of that person who mangles the towels on the other end of the production line. I don't think the newer, younger workers ever stuck around long enough to find out.

When I was working at a youth centre, I ended up coming out to a few of my colleagues. They were like "Oh, cool". People who do youth work here are like that: it's one of the basic requirements to be open-minded and tolerant. Besides, people on this field are weirdos more often than they're not, so an asexual person is nothing new or shocking.

[thylacine]

Re: weirdos in the workplace. I've seen plenty of them... I wouldn't tell anyone, myself. Especially if they are weirdos. 1. They will point at you to everyone else to make themselves "less weird." 2. They will tear you down to build themselves up. 3. If you tell any personal stuff to anyone at work, the entire building will know the next day... really.

[Tio]

I work at in shelf stacking at a supermarket while I'm a student. It seldom comes up, and when it does I simply behave like a het with an unnamed boyfriend. It satisfies everyone, they don't ask anything more.

[Verp]

Re: weirdos in the workplace. I've seen plenty of them... I wouldn't tell anyone, myself. Especially if they are weirdos. 1. They will point at you to everyone else to make themselves "less weird." 2. They will tear you down to build themselves up. 3. If you tell any personal stuff to anyone at work, the entire building will know the next day... really.

Well, our situations are different.

1. When being "weird" is the norm, there hardly is a form of being "less weird" that will get you any brownie points. It's kind of the norm to at least be something of an eco hippie leftist on my field (which is pretty cool). If you have an immigrant background or belong to some other minority that's a current "hot topic", you're actually likely to be more desirable as a worker once you graduate.

2. Building yourself up by tearing someone down, in youth work, when you're employed by the government? Super career-oriented people don't seek employment in youth work, much less seek to be a youth worker employed by the government. Career people found organisations and enterprises and seek to make the government outsource their youth services to them.

3. When 1. is true, it doesn't really matter who knows. Besides, I find that Finns don't gossip about things like these much. Of course, being careful doesn't hurt the least.

[Simona]

Im lucky enough to work for a fantastic company that actually celebrates diversity. We take part and sponsor Pride Week and have a Pride committee that includes asexuals. I'm not "out" to anyone at work but have contemplated joining the committee - at that point my boss will have to know why Id want to join. I dont think she'd have an issue with it considering we have several people on our team who are gay/lesbian.

Im not sure how my co-workers would react and I really dont think Id care too much.

[NamTar]

Most places I've worked, I just never mentioned it. They usually assume I'm just single, many assume I'm a lesbian, some assume I'm a closeted lesbian and that's why I stay single. I don't really care what they think.

I did work in a store once and it came up, but my coworkers were very accepting. 3 were gay males, 2 were bi females, and the rest were accepting of anyone's sexuality/lack thereof, even if they didn't understand mine as well. But in general, my asexuality has been a nonissue.

[Changed773]

removed at OP's request

[thylacine]

Don't yah just hate that? Man, people are such a pain in the ass.

[Amedot]

I finally have a job where people aren't nosy! It's wonderful. There's very little small talk and I've never heard anyone discuss their spouses/dating/anything of the sort. Again, it's simply fantastic.

[Display]

I don't work but I used to and am job searching. I'm romantic asexual so people would probably just assume I'm sexual, but it doesn't really matter cause I'm the type to get sucked into my work. Not that I'm mean lol, just that I'm not the type to really get into massive lunch room gossip sessions. :)

I can't imagine what it's like having to sit around and hear your coworkers talk about their sexual exploits. How awkward, lol.

Nika

[Samael]

I don't really see the connection between a job and one's sexual orientation. I'd imagine some older folks or old fashioned people might care about who likes whom, or something childish like that, but when I work, I concentrate on the work from which I get payed. Simple as that. If someone interferes, I remind them to focus on their work too if they think they're worthy of their salary. I think very few have ever questioned me, not openly anyway, and I've never talked about relationships/sex/juicy gossip/god-knows-what-else with co-workers. In terms of perceived sexuality, I guess this leaves me somewhat unclassified, lol.

[areece]

God knows what my colleagues make me out as being, but I just keep avoiding the issue. A couple of them try to wind me up saying you should chat so-and-so up but I just laugh and (hopefully) look positively disinterested.

It's obviously not really a workplace discussion - especially given nearly all of my colleagues are old enough to be my parents - so I don't expect to ever come out to them. That said, you never know when you're going to be backed into a corner! :lol:

And if it did come out, I'd probably hit them with far more than just asexuality, so that would keep them quiet for a while! :P

[GirlInside]

I don't see why it ever needs to come up. If someone asks you if you're seeing anyone, you can say something like, "I think this is getting too personal."

I don't really believe in mixing business and pleasure anyway, so I have that handy as an excuse.

[Brackets]

Unfortunately, it's usually easier to keep our mouths shut. One girl I used to work with always used to try and get me to talk about "hot boys" with her. I never had anything to contribute, so I just let her go on so she wouldn't notice. Of course, I also had a reputation as a bit of a weirdo already, so I didn't need to add to it.

[metonym]

I hate on the job discrimination, gossip and nosiness. Unless I develop a strong trust for someone, I think it is best simply to say "My personal life will not interfere with your job." You never can tell if someone will discriminate for/against marital status, asexual or not, romantic orientation, relationship status, etc. There is also very little defense, at least in the USA, against such discrimination and poor treatment.

[Mach7]

Asexuals go about their day just like anyone else. But a job should only be managed one way, and that is professionally. Every person is accountable for how they carry themselves, what they disclose, to whom, and for whatever reason.

If your daughter is confident and liberal with sharing information about her person, it is not to be said that she cannot do so as she chooses. But from my observations, the job is no place to share deeply personal matters, regardless of your orientation. I may sound rather tight-collared, but the job exists because you have talent and potential, and need to make the choices that are aligned with what you believe in, yet do not compromise your personal and professional integrity.

[LouLou]

Unless your job is prostitution, I don't think it'll have any effect. Work is just work and the two don't interfere with one another.

[Jockey]

My students have asked me if I have a girlfriend/am I married (I say not yet). My adult coworkers and bosses don't care except for taxes. I'm out to my adult coworkers and bosses and so far none of them have cared. I don't expect they ever would, unless I applied to be a sex educator or something along those lines. It's just not relevant.

[Vermeulen]

When I was in high school I worked as a lifeguard and that was an eye opening experience. I spent so much time working in higschool that I didn't socialize much with my peers as I spent every lunch sitting in an abandoned hallway doing my homework. I think this is one of the reasons that I didn't realize for a long time that everyone else was turning into sexuals. So at work in the summer in a position where physically fit young people spend the whole day together in a uniform that includes only a swimsuit and a tank top....let's just say topics came up.

This was still years and years before I discovered aven. I had no idea that it was even possible to be asexual and I couldn't understand how everyone else could spend so much time discussing this topic. One girl in particular was very open and would go so far as to graphically describe certain...things... that she would do with her boyfriend. One time she was going much farther beyond the line of "I don't want to know" than usual. I asked it it was possible to change the subject. She said yes but then someone else asked her a question and she went into more detail than before. I excused myself and rushed into the other room not willing to hear any more.

That afternoon they gathered everyone together and said that from now on the new policy was that if someone was uncomfortable with a topic of conversation and they said so that the official response would hence forth be to STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. I don't think they realized how uncomfortable it was making me. The new policy was just for me and everyone knew it, but I was very happy about it. They of course knew I was different. I was a lifeguard who wore at least three layers of clothes. A one piece, shorts, a long-sleeved shirt, my uniform tank-top and a hat at all times. I had to perform all training wearing this ensemble in order for it to be legal for me to wear it at work and I did so. Most of the other girls wouldn't consider wearing any more than a two piece.

After I figured out about aven I wished I could have gone back in time and told them all about it. Just because I had finally figured it out.

At my other long time summer workplace, a farm where I worked in a vegetable warehouse the only real thing I noticed was that my female cousin who is not "girly" at all got asked by 3 different mexican workers to go out for dinner. I was never asked by one. For which I am very glad as I would have found that weird. I think I might be putting off some "asexy" vibes or something.

[Munich]

There is a brother and sister duo at my work who are both asexual. Both are in their early 40's, atrractive, though eccentric. Their eccentricity, incidentally, is not connected to their asexuality.

Their students pick up on the fact they are asexual and do make mention of it, usually in a snide way. Generally, "Dr. Z. needs to get laid" type of thing. Neither Prof mentions their asexuality in class, but everyone knows they have never been married and quite obviously neither gives off any sexual vibe.

The female teacher admitted to colleagues several years ago she was asexual. She had had sex in the past, didn't like it and is a germophobe and regards penises as hideous and germ-ridden. Her brother also is a afraid of germs and says he will never have sex.

It has saddened and appalled me that several colleagues ostracize them for this. They regard them as "freaks." It infuriates me, really. Most colleagues just have a laisssez-faire approach to them and don't care about the lack of sex in the lives of the bro and sis combo. But their asexuality does come up as a topic of convversation fairly regularly in the staff room. I like both of the asexuals very much and they appreciate my lack of judgment towards them. But it bugs me that they have to undergo any scrutiny for their private lives. Why anyone would care is beyond me.

[hmnut]

It has saddened and appalled me that several colleagues ostracize them for this. They regard them as "freaks." It infuriates me, really. Most colleagues just have a laisssez-faire approach to them and don't care about the lack of sex in the lives of the bro and sis combo. But their asexuality does come up as a topic of convversation fairly regularly in the staff room. I like both of the asexuals very much and they appreciate my lack of judgment towards them. But it bugs me that they have to undergo any scrutiny for their private lives. Why anyone would care is beyond me.

Not to say it is fair or right that they are people treat them poorly because of their private lives. But they made their private lives public, that is why people treat them poorly.

They should not be treated that way but they shouldn't have brought it up at all.

I work in the education field. I have worked in a middle school, high school and college. I have worked as both a teacher and support staff. I have worked in education for over 10 year. What I have learned is no one cares about your sex life unless you bring it up.

Students say every teacher needs to get laid if the teacher gives them a hard time about anything. According to students the only teachers who are having sex are ones who give out As for showing up and sleeping in class.

But facualty and staff don't talk about your sex life unless you let it become known that your sex life is "different."

Take me. I am sexual, but I have not had a lot of sex (most asexuals have had tons more sex than I have). If I stood up in a staff meeting and told my co-workers I did not have sex for the first time until I was nearly 30, that in my life I have only gone had dates with 3 girls. And that my longest romantic relationship was 6 weeks (and I was 31 when I reach that goal). If I told my co-workers all this I am sure they would be able to make it the topic of gossip around the water cooler for months on end (and the sad thing is there is even more sad and sick parts of my sex life).

But you know why none of my co-workers talk about me like this. BECAUSE I DON'T BRING IT UP!!!

"Hmunt, do you have a girlfriend?"

"No."

It's that simple.

"Hmnut, you're such a nice guy, why don't you have a girlfriend?"

"Oh I don't know, I guess I haven't meet the right person."

The quicker you give the impression you are not comfortable talking about your private life the quicker people will be to lose interest in it.

"Hmnut, I think you should ask out Sally."

"I don't know, I don't think it is a good idea to date to co-workers"

When all else fails you can fall back on being professional. If people in your work life are getting to personal you can fall back on the fact that you think they need to be more "professional" like you. You don't talk about that stuff because you don't think it is okay to do so at work.

At work, no one cares about your personal life unless it is vastly different from the norm. As soon as you establish your sex life is boring, no one is going to comment on it, as soon as you start telling people your sex life is the subject of internet forms and articals in Marie Claire everyone is going to comment on it.

[thylacine]

Re: At work, no one cares about your personal life... I'm going to have to disagree. I have extremely nosy co-workers who dedicate their existence to sticking themselves into everyone's private stuff, when they should be working. They listen in on phone calls, they ask inappropriate questions, they make inappropriate suggestions... and they are so damn immature it's unbelievable. Really unbelievable to see adults act like middle school kids, but it's true... For instance... it's Friday at 4:55 p.m. Co-worker is shuffling out the door... I say, "Have a nice weekend." She looks at me, "You need a good f--- !" And walks out. I was like what the -- ? I have never told this person anything about my life, but she just blurts that out for no reason. It is invasive and harassing. But hell, she's friends with an important person, so she can do whatever she wants and act as badly as she wants in the office. For some people, the idea that they should behave like professional, rational, logical grown adults while at work is a complete joke.

[hmnut]

fair enough,

if you work with professionals, you can handle them as a professional.

If you work with jerks, you have deal with jerks.

But none the less that has nothing to do with being asexual or not.

[thylacine]

Actually, it does have to do with being asexual, because these "professionals" keeping asking questions and keep trying to butt into my "personal life." That is, co-workers won't mind their own freakin business...

Why aren't you married?

Why don't you have no babies? (yes, incorrect grammar... )

Why don't you got no boyfriends?

You need a good f-word!

[purrr]

At my current job I work with a crew where 98% of the employees are male and me be a young woman on the first day I started almost everyone ask if I was married or if I had a boyfriend, when I said no they saw it as an open invitation, for months I was being sexually harass by most of the guys at work, which was very uncomfortable. I told everyone I just wasn't interested and to please let me just do my job. Some of the guys even started to get physical, that is when I went to my boss and reported them. Now everything is going pretty good, my boss and I are really good friends and he is the only one at work that knows Im asexual. :)