TransWhatevers of AVEN

[anamia]

I had a hand in the emo spam attack. I have now gotten it out of my system. I still like the music, though. And emos were my introduction to men in eyeliner, so I owe them a small debt of gratitude.

Someone should take minutes for the thread. We could do it by shifts.

Re: being emo. I've never been called emo. Not skinny enough, for one. And my hair and makeup are all wrong. I'd be goth if I could afford it, but I can't so I'm just average. Sadly, once I get a job that pays well, I'll probably blow my savings at Hot Topic. -sigh- It may be a good thing that there isn't one in Boulder.

Also, this has to be posted. I'll put it under spoilers so as to spare the older among us people who don't care for emos. But really, the emo song is classic.

[Professor Godric]

Oliver, emo music in moderation. Moderation.

Moderation = none at all.

[Sir Oliver]

I am a cold hearted bitch. I lack so many normal emotions. Like guilt!

Although, there are times when I do have "happiness". I put quotes because I have no idea what the fuck it feels like and those times are pretty blank in my mind. They're pretty much blurs of... Giggles? Whatever.

[Professor Godric]

I am also very anti-emo, or at least being called emo, which happens a lot, primarily because of my longterm love of Poe and my inability to conjure up much enthusiasm for most things.

Well, paint me bitter that I missed the angstfest.

I have so much of it.

you didn't, Charles! you can still angst! in fact i left you a special invitation a few pages back. it's in big letters so you can't miss it.

I have just now found my special invitation.

/cracks knuckles

So.

I have German II. This is irrelevant in every way except that it provides exposition to saying that I seem to have made a friend. I haven't the foggiest idea how this happened - certainly, I made no kind of advance - but the other day in German the only other senior in my class suggested that I switch sides and sit with him, and, not having any good reason to reject such a suggestion and an uncharacteristic lack of malice on that day, I did. And now, it seems, we have formed some kind of camraderie - something which is wholly unsettling, given that I have no idea how it happened.

None of this, in fact, is totally relevant to the topic at hand, which is angst, except insofar as that this new comrade is male, and he is quite large. I am very - oh, extremely - bitter about being small. It enrages me more than most things, and I am enraged by almost everything, regardless of how or if it may affect me. And so today I said I hated the magnets, and then he offered his hand for a high five - because, really, who doesn't hate the magnets? - upon which my hand hurt for several minutes, due to his hand being almost three times the size of my own. And then it made me think of my hands, and how absurdly dainty they are, and how absurdly dainty every other part of me (except for hips - gaaaaah, why?), and how much that makes me feel like a tiny pixieish child who will never be able to find pants or be taken seriously, and then that depresses me because all I've wanted since I was eight was to be an adult and be treated as such. I am consistently read as years younger than I am, in a variety of ways, and it is just as distressing to me (more so, even) than being misgendered but correctly sexed, because more than feeling allegiance to any one gender, I feel allegiance to the idea of being old, and of scorning youth, and I realize in saying this that I am making myself sound precisely as young as I am but I don't smegging care.

And then! Then! This new perhaps-friend tried to make me befriend another person, who seems like a perfectly nice person, and a short one (oh, I love standing next to short men - short women make me feel yet smaller, though short men make me feel taller - perhaps testament to transness? WHO KNOWS?), but I was introduced as [edit] and as "she," because my closet has a padlock (though, really, you'd think someone would pick up on something, and yet the most I've heard of me being seen as LGBTQetc. was one classmate thinking I was a lesbian for half of middle school and then another one outing me as ace to all and sundry), so I was quite put off because, well. Even if, in the end of things, I'm not a Charles, I've never been a [edit]. I don't even like that name as a name. So that was upsetting.

But I'm not going to be able to be anything but a [edit] to people, because I am, more than anything, a coward, and I'm almost certainly not going to transition. I don't want to be such a person forever, but I don't really see any other choice - I don't even know if what little I could accomplish without medically transition would be worth the effort, especially considering that I plan on having a long, rich life as a recluse.

Poor Charles. I too know the pain of tiny, tiny hands.

Perhaps you could change your name to something unisex (later in life)? If people only hear my (ridiculous) name, they usually think I'm male.

I also have tiny hands, and I hate having tiny hands. That said, I dislike them for a very different reason - I play a lot of piano and violin, and I find it difficult to stretch the necessary distances for advanced pieces.

[Professor T. Pollution]

Yes, I also lack guilt and regret. Heh.

[Sir Oliver]

Also, what exactly is pity? I see it in books and I don't understand it. (Along with sympathy.)

(Oh, yes. I lack regret also.)

[Herr Joseph von Löthing]

Welcome to the cold hearted bastard club. Have a cub of tea and grumble some.

[Adriatic]

Someone should take minutes for the thread. We could do it by shifts.

Someone did a good summary the other day (or yesterday?); I can't remember who, or when, but it just ended 'FINNISH.' (As many of them will doubtless need to do.)

...but actually, this is us, and what it really needs is one of those ornate 19th-century indices with in-jokes and subheadings...

[asexual cake]

Adriatic, that was me. I would happily take minutes if I weren't at stupid school all day.

Welcome to the cold hearted bastard club. Have a cub of tea and grumble some.

Well, hell, if there's snow I want to join.

Can I be a member if I can still have strong emotions, but only in situations where people think that's weird? Since eighth grade I've spent most of my life in a kind of bleary emotional stupor, only getting really excited or upset about things like Finnish, rather than ... people.

[Professor Godric]

Hmmm. Back to the emo thing - people often think I'm sort of goth/emo because I mostly dress in black as well. If I don't dress in black, it's grey or white. It's mostly black. That said, I don't dye my hair or have any piercings or whatever, but they usually think because of it, I'll be all shy or something. It's also because I'm never bubbly or cheerful. Usually happiness for me is much deadpan snarking, or rather, that's my usual positive emotional state. And to people who think the above behaviours and characteristics are emo - Vetinari wears black and snarks, and nobody would live to ponder the ramifications of him being emo. So There.

[Sir Oliver]

Can I be a member if I can still have strong emotions, but only in situations where people think that's weird? Since eighth grade I've spent most of my life in a kind of bleary emotional stupor, only getting really excited or upset about things like Finnish, rather than ... people.

I suppose you could but I didn't start the club.

[Professor Godric]

Speaking of cold-hearted bastards, add me to that club. Any remainders of soul I might have are rather shriveled, and I have a rather relaxed system of ethics. I do so love justice, though. I'm not always a cold-hearted bastard, but most descriptions of me involve the word "bastard" in some form, like "crazy bastard" (fencing), or "magnificent bastard," which I have gotten once before. It was glorious.

[Herr Joseph von Löthing]

I'm going to bed. I'll be back in the morning, don't post too much.

I'm watching you. With these handy androgynous eyes.

[mort paradis]

I have detected a quality control issue in my salad. *pokes weird looking bug with fork* shit, now I need a new fork. >_<

[Sir Oliver]

Good night, Joe.

I hope you dream of unicorns and cake.

Also, I am cutting those eyes out and replacing my own with them. They are nice.

[Adriatic]

Adriatic, that was me. I would happily take minutes if I weren't at stupid school all day.

Aha. That would be why it was so pleasantly succinct, and probably also why it ended 'FINNISH.'

Damn, if I was still at university with the amount of disposable time I had back then (mainly due to, y'know, not really going out and doing anything with people) I'd be starting to keep a page-by-page précis already...

[Professor Godric]

I have detected a quality control issue in my salad. *pokes weird looking bug with fork* shit, now I need a new fork. >_<

Protein! =D

[MorbidNerd]

I am terrible at expressing empathy myself... never really understood how it was supposed to work. I am naturally a rather emotional person, though I repress it, I just don’t really care about people whom I feel no connection to – and well, that includes most of my family and real life friends. I’ve never so much as felt sad at a funeral and my first reaction when someone I know is injured is to be either amused or curious about the biological aspects of said injury rather than feel concerned for the person. Most people call me “nice”, probably because I am very polite, but the people who know me well at all tend to (affectionately) refer to me as a psychopath, or alternatively they quickly stop wanting to know me.

[Professor T. Pollution]

Also, what exactly is pity? I see it in books and I don't understand it. (Along with sympathy.)

(Oh, yes. I lack regret also.)

I'm the same, except I do understand them (in principle) scientifically (only as well as our current studies can show, obviously). But I'm too lazy to explain, though.

Well, hell, if there's snow I want to join.

Can I be a member if I can still have strong emotions, but only in situations where people think that's weird? Since eighth grade I've spent most of my life in a kind of bleary emotional stupor, only getting really excited or upset about things like Finnish, rather than ... people.

I'm sorry Charles, I don't think you qualify...

[Basil the Tired Aesthete]

Off to bed too, although I just listened to an incredibly disturbing song intro and now I'm going to double-check the locks.

Night, kids. Special dreams.

Basil.

[anamia]

Hmmm. Back to the emo thing - people often think I'm sort of goth/emo because I mostly dress in black as well. If I don't dress in black, it's grey or white. It's mostly black. That said, I don't dye my hair or have any piercings or whatever, but they usually think because of it, I'll be all shy or something. It's also because I'm never bubbly or cheerful. Usually happiness for me is much deadpan snarking, or rather, that's my usual positive emotional state. And to people who think the above behaviours and characteristics are emo - Vetinari wears black and snarks, and nobody would live to ponder the ramifications of him being emo. So There.

Are there emos in the Discworld?

Can I join the cold-hearted bastard club? I want to become one, you see. I'll be your apprentice and study your mannerisms and, eventually, achieve bastard-ness myself. Also, snow! I adore snow!

You probably wouldn't want me taking minutes. I have a short attention span and, while I'm here regularly, I'm horrible at actually keeping track of what we talk about. I need the minutes as much as those of us who can't get on during class.

Also, I'm having an attack of narcissism and so will share the following link: http://everydayoddities.webs.com/. If anyone feels like giving me feedback, that would be lovely. (Note: there are pictures that don't go with stories and stories that don't go with pictures. I expect it's all very symbolic, but I don't like symbolism and just call it laziness.)

[Professor Godric]

Hmmm. The thing with me is that I vary, a lot. Really, it's almost to the extend of having MPD. Sometimes I can be gentlemanly, sometimes I can be rather emotional, sometimes I'm a cold-hearted bastard, sometimes I'm aloof, and sometimes I'm very, very childish. I am presently trying to get my personalities to talk to each other. So, if you have ever noticed that the tone and voice of my messages changes, that's why.

[Aleawyn]

Sorry to return to the day of angst.

Most of this came up for me yesterday...yesterday was not a good day. Honestly I can probably sum up most of my angst these days (well angst in addition to how utterly guy-like my body is) in one word: cowardice. I desperately want to begin to shed my "guy drag" and just be myself but my mind shuts me down. The courage to do that is something I really lack. I feel like such a fraud because I present as a guy (though I am presenting less and less like a guy in my mannerisms, etc) despite the fact I'm not but nevertheless have a penis and other male features. Really, I need to be out...I need not to fear how people might read or judge me based on how I dress or act, but I fear it so very much. Really though, that's kind of silly, because it's increasingly clear to me that I already read as queer so that boat's already sailed, it's not going to matter if I change how, for example, I dress. I just have no confidence...self-confidence is something I lack in general and this bullshit just exacerbates it. At one point yesterday I was so unsure and insecure that I had to ask my best friend, to whom I'm out, if she even takes me seriously and to ask how she saw me. That at least cheered me up for a while because she gets it. I don't know...I really really need not to care about what others think or how they will judge me based on my appearance. I guess I'm really superficial and also I suppose unwilling to give up a position of privilege out of fear for the implications for my career prospects (I'm in a field that has its own kind of male locker room culture (international relations) and I'm petrified to be trans in that environment because I feel it's academic suicide). What's the point of all of this anyhow? Sometimes I wish I could just bottle it up again and go through life pretending misery is happiness and that I don't have the right to have feelings. I need to be out, I need to build confidence, I need to be accepted in queer spaces, but to do all of that I need to be willing to take a risk and that scares the hell out of me so very much.

[Professor Godric]

Hmmm. Back to the emo thing - people often think I'm sort of goth/emo because I mostly dress in black as well. If I don't dress in black, it's grey or white. It's mostly black. That said, I don't dye my hair or have any piercings or whatever, but they usually think because of it, I'll be all shy or something. It's also because I'm never bubbly or cheerful. Usually happiness for me is much deadpan snarking, or rather, that's my usual positive emotional state. And to people who think the above behaviours and characteristics are emo - Vetinari wears black and snarks, and nobody would live to ponder the ramifications of him being emo. So There.

Are there emos in the Discworld?

Can I join the cold-hearted bastard club? I want to become one, you see. I'll be your apprentice and study your mannerisms and, eventually, achieve bastard-ness myself. Also, snow! I adore snow!

We'll give it a shot. You can be my personal assistant.

[P is for...]

you know, it's funny, as much as i have in common with all of you, this is one point on which we differ. i have emotions. strong ones. violent, passionate emotions. good and bad. whatever i feel, i feel intensely, to the point where it has occasionally interfered with my life. and as the Professor said, emotions can be extremely troublesome, and you're all probably much better off as you are. it isn't so much that i'd like to get rid of mine altogether; i just wish i could tone them down, especially the negative ones. rage and shame and severe depression aren't pleasant things to carry around on a daily basis. (the rage in particular is a bit embarrassing, as it causes me to mutter and gesture as i'm walking, and i'm quite certain it makes me look even more unbalanced than i actually am.)

[Professor T. Pollution]

Speaking of cold-hearted bastards, add me to that club. Any remainders of soul I might have are rather shriveled, and I have a rather relaxed system of ethics. I do so love justice, though. I'm not always a cold-hearted bastard, but most descriptions of me involve the word "bastard" in some form, like "crazy bastard" (fencing), or "magnificent bastard," which I have gotten once before. It was glorious.

Normally I am not of the excluding type on here, but if I'm starting a club of cold-hearted bastards...it's going to be full of purely coldhearted bastards. You can form a demi-bastardly group with Charles.

Edit: Anamia too.

[Sir Oliver]

I'm trying to read about pity but this article is long and it uses the word "empathy" which my father says I lack. I;m just going to go to dictionary.com and hope that works.

[Professor Godric]

@ Confused Ponderer - Life is short. Very, very short. Personally, I hate to think of anybody denying themselves being who they are out of fear. It's rather tragic. Anyways, I hope you gain enough courage to do what you really want to.

[Professor Godric]

Speaking of cold-hearted bastards, add me to that club. Any remainders of soul I might have are rather shriveled, and I have a rather relaxed system of ethics. I do so love justice, though. I'm not always a cold-hearted bastard, but most descriptions of me involve the word "bastard" in some form, like "crazy bastard" (fencing), or "magnificent bastard," which I have gotten once before. It was glorious.

Normally I am not of the excluding type on here, but if I'm starting a club of cold-hearted bastards...it's going to be full of purely coldhearted bastards. You can form a demi-bastardly group with Charles.

Bastard.

Charles? Oh Chaaaaaaaarles!

[Professor Godric]

As for bastardry, Your Mileage May Vary.