TransWhatevers of AVEN

[MorbidNerd]

When I was a young lamb frolicking through the public elementary school system (hah), I had one friend. We were very close, and very strange, and we used "normal" and "average" as deadly insults. It was probably close to the start of all my various strangenesses, although it's quite a chicken-or-egg scenario.

Glad to see that I am indeed not the only one who did this.

[mort paradis]

I may be emotional burned, but I'll be fine. :) Shifting through some memories on top of being kinda roller coaster-y lately. I've been trying to be more social irl (go social anxiety! ), but while actually talking to people has been okay social skill wise (I didn't learn much of those when I was younger) I keep starting to feel depressed when I'm around them. I think it may be because I still feel like an outcast.

I know the feeling. I never quite feel like I'm in the right place in actual life.

As do I. It seems that whenever I make an effort to spend time with people in real life (even friends) it just leaves me feeling depressed and disconnected... and also worn out from trying to act normal-ish.

I actually never really try to act normal, I more try not to do anything stupid. >_<

[P is for...]

nice work overnight, people. i'm actually rather impressed. (so no, evidently i did not win. mind you, that is not the same thing as saying i lose. not the same thing at all.)

and please stop putting your moaniness in spoilers, for pity's sake. i agree with the Professor for once; we've all been too upbeat and cheerful lately. you know what happens when you've got too much repressed angstiness, don't you? no? well, trust me. you don't want to find out. been there, done that, as they do say. so let us make today the official Transyada Celebration of Angst. complain, moan, rage, spew bile in all directions. every once in awhile someone can post something funny, or grace us with Aloysius. but let us appall ourselves with our own ridiculous misery today.

we've already sort of begun, so let us simply continue. i'll be back with mine in a bit; i've got some other threads to catch up on first.

oh, and Professor? congratulations on your, er, latest addition. let me add my envy to the pile. (it does occur to me, though, that five years from now, you and i are going to be so damned competitive on any number of things that we'll be even more insufferable than we already are, and if you come to visit me and Serafine, she'll be kicking us out of the house every single day...)

[Sir Oliver]

Does this mean we can post angsty music?

[P is for...]

Does this mean we can post angsty music?

go for it, Ollz. anything goes during the Transyada Celebration of Angst.

[Adriatic]

Does this mean we can post angsty music?

go for it, Ollz. anything goes during the Transyada Celebration of Angst.

Well, some of us *cough* have still to do our story for Siggy's thread. I'm trying to pare it down to the essentials, but it may yet bring me out in angsty flashbacks later...

[MorbidNerd]

I may be emotional burned, but I'll be fine. :) Shifting through some memories on top of being kinda roller coaster-y lately. I've been trying to be more social irl (go social anxiety! ), but while actually talking to people has been okay social skill wise (I didn't learn much of those when I was younger) I keep starting to feel depressed when I'm around them. I think it may be because I still feel like an outcast.

I know the feeling. I never quite feel like I'm in the right place in actual life.

As do I. It seems that whenever I make an effort to spend time with people in real life (even friends) it just leaves me feeling depressed and disconnected... and also worn out from trying to act normal-ish.

I actually never really try to act normal, I more try not to do anything stupid. >_<

I generally have to, as if I do not, my obvious disinterest and growing ill humour are rather apparent and I end up being besieged by people attempting to cheer me up, which just makes me more depressed and also embarrassed. Oh I gave up trying to avoid doing something stupid long ago; it is just one of those inevitabilities that happen whenever I find myself in a social situation.

[Sir Oliver]

Yes!

This song is glorious.

(Does it really count if we're happy to post angst?)

[mort paradis]

Does this mean we can post angsty music?

go for it, Ollz. anything goes during the Transyada Celebration of Angst.

Well, some of us *cough* have still to do our story for Siggy's thread. I'm trying to pare it down to the essentials, but it may yet bring me out in angsty flashbacks later...

damn it I already did that last night! <_<

[P is for...]

I may be emotional burned, but I'll be fine. :) Shifting through some memories on top of being kinda roller coaster-y lately. I've been trying to be more social irl (go social anxiety! ), but while actually talking to people has been okay social skill wise (I didn't learn much of those when I was younger) I keep starting to feel depressed when I'm around them. I think it may be because I still feel like an outcast.

I know the feeling. I never quite feel like I'm in the right place in actual life.

As do I. It seems that whenever I make an effort to spend time with people in real life (even friends) it just leaves me feeling depressed and disconnected... and also worn out from trying to act normal-ish.

I actually never really try to act normal, I more try not to do anything stupid. >_<

I generally have to, as if I do not, my obvious disinterest and growing ill humour are rather apparent and I end up being besieged by people attempting to cheer me up, which just makes me more depressed and also embarrassed. Oh I gave up trying to avoid doing something stupid long ago; it is just one of those inevitabilities that happen whenever I find myself in a social situation.

oh my lord yes. or doing that sort of pouty lip thing at me to indicate they feel sorry i feel sooooo saaaaaad. although my mom was even worse, in a different way. whenever there was a family gathering i had to attend when i was depressed (which was most of them--i suffered from severe, crippling depression for decades), she'd shoot me a look and say, "i don't care if you're not happy. pretend."

boy, did i ever take that lesson to heart.

Transyada Celebration of Angst! rejoice, my friends!

[mort paradis]

(Does it really count if we're happy to post angst?)

But angst is good!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Tg6SFq2Q-4

*sings*

[Sir Oliver]

The Spill Canvas is amazing at depressing songs that make me want to curl up in a ball and cry.

[Adriatic]

Can I post this, then? It's not as angsty as I remembered it, but there are potential yadas (and percussion!), and it'll get me in the mood:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyyhmzpdxLk

[Herr Joseph von Löthing]

*has nothing to post*

[P is for...]

*has nothing to post*

yes, Joe; but are you angst-ridden over the fact? that's the question.

[Professor Godric]

Guys. GUYS. I only just noticed today — I now have an adam's apple. This is exciting, at least to me. I've always liked adam's apples...

Yes — I broke my foot. In a swordfighting duel. At midnight. On a hilltop.

I snapped a bone, winced slightly, kept fighting, slew my opponent, talked for a bit, walked to my car, and drove home (of course, everything after the 'bone-snapping' part turned out to be a terrible mistake, considering it resulted in me ripping a tendon off of my broken bone).

So, congratulations on your continuing transition.

As well, someday, if ever the Yadas go to battle, we must fight side by side. Even if the Yadas aren't going to battle, we must arrange this.

Okay, now here's the part where I'm going to whine. Somebody brought up the idea of normal and average being an insult (ah, it was Pollution again), and I've always thought of it the same way. I'll add two words to the list - "boring" and "mediocre." I have always been exceptionally averse to both. Now, the annoying part is that occasionally, I think I am.

The thing is, lots of people think of themselves as interesting, unique, and exceptional. They think that they're so weird that nobody can understand them, or that they're so disturbing that mundanes don't want to converse with them, too creepy, too scary, too quirky, etc. For most people, I really don't think this is the case. It's just adolescent whining. There's lots of people like them. I think more than anything else, many people want other people to think they're that way, even if they aren't. So, why is this? I think it's because they do have problems that are out of the ordinary, or to a greater extent than most. Since they have different problems, it's nice to have the illusion that because of them, or in addition to them, they are different and special.

I get angsty because I must also by definition apply that argument to myself. I hate it, because I hate to think that I have only problems, and nothing different and better. People like my mother (wheeeeee mommy issues which may or may not be the source of this) say that I am perfectly normal (never mind asperger's, asexuality, closeted gender issues, OCD, hyperactive senses, being a clock savant, and having an exceptionally keen sense of pitch), and once I realize it, I will seem more normal.

The thing is, I don't want to be normal. I don't want to be counted amongst the masses. I have never, ever looked at them, and thought "I will someday be just like them, and I am just like them." I don't want to blend in completely. I don't want to slave away all day at a dull office position, doing menial clerical work for low pay. I want glory. Even small glory would be good. I just don't want to be in a support position forever. I'll also never be perky or bubbly. That isn't the way I am. My mom says that someday I will want to look pretty and wear makeup, and everyone gets boring office jobs anyway, but sure, I can try for better. Today, I think that being what I want to be is impossible.

[Sir Oliver]

A few of the signals from the yada hive mind must have got garbled on their way here: with me, it's the Balkans, not Finland; military jackets, not suits; My Doctor is Nine, not Ten or Two (but why did they have to waste his only season on knocking around with Billie Piper?). But they're the same sorts of things to an extent I still find quite hard to take in.

Just want to point out my love for military jackets and the fact that Nine is my doctor. Nine is always my doctor.

Edited September 16, 2010 by Nalle Neversure
Transyada takeover coming home to Transyada thread

[MorbidNerd]

I may be emotional burned, but I'll be fine. :) Shifting through some memories on top of being kinda roller coaster-y lately. I've been trying to be more social irl (go social anxiety! ), but while actually talking to people has been okay social skill wise (I didn't learn much of those when I was younger) I keep starting to feel depressed when I'm around them. I think it may be because I still feel like an outcast.

I know the feeling. I never quite feel like I'm in the right place in actual life.

As do I. It seems that whenever I make an effort to spend time with people in real life (even friends) it just leaves me feeling depressed and disconnected... and also worn out from trying to act normal-ish.

I actually never really try to act normal, I more try not to do anything stupid. >_<

I generally have to, as if I do not, my obvious disinterest and growing ill humour are rather apparent and I end up being besieged by people attempting to cheer me up, which just makes me more depressed and also embarrassed. Oh I gave up trying to avoid doing something stupid long ago; it is just one of those inevitabilities that happen whenever I find myself in a social situation.

oh my lord yes. or doing that sort of pouty lip thing at me to indicate they feel sorry i feel sooooo saaaaaad. although my mom was even worse, in a different way. whenever there was a family gathering i had to attend when i was depressed (which was most of them--i suffered from severe, crippling depression for decades), she'd shoot me a look and say, "i don't care if you're not happy. pretend."

boy, did i ever take that lesson to heart.

Ah yes my parents are of the type whom insist on you to wear your happy mask during all human interaction or else deal with their ‘Awww don’t be sad.... no really unless you smile I will proceed to make you feel guilty for it and then blame you for ruining our happy masquerade, and you do not want to be that scorn deserving person let me tell you’ sentiment. Needless to say I got used to smiling a lot even when I felt like killing someone... though an unintended result of their ‘training’ is that I developed a morbid and twisted sense of humour in my teens that I would frequently horrify guests with all the while smiling pleasantly at them as if having a discussion on kittens.

Though the whole smiling thing became so ingrained that I still tend to come across as cheerful even when on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.

[Herr Joseph von Löthing]

*has nothing to post*

yes, Joe; but are you angst-ridden over the fact? that's the question.

Maybe. I'm more angst ridden over the lack of cake in our house.

[MorbidNerd]

Okay, now here's the part where I'm going to whine. Somebody brought up the idea of normal and average being an insult (ah, it was Pollution again), and I've always thought of it the same way. I'll add two words to the list - "boring" and "mediocre." I have always been exceptionally averse to both. Now, the annoying part is that occasionally, I think I am.

The thing is, lots of people think of themselves as interesting, unique, and exceptional. They think that they're so weird that nobody can understand them, or that they're so disturbing that mundanes don't want to converse with them, too creepy, too scary, too quirky, etc. For most people, I really don't think this is the case. It's just adolescent whining. There's lots of people like them. I think more than anything else, many people want other people to think they're that way, even if they aren't. So, why is this? I think it's because they do have problems that are out of the ordinary, or to a greater extent than most. Since they have different problems, it's nice to have the illusion that because of them, or in addition to them, they are different and special.

I get angsty because I must also by definition apply that argument to myself. I hate it, because I hate to think that I have only problems, and nothing different and better. People like my mother (wheeeeee mommy issues which may or may not be the source of this) say that I am perfectly normal (never mind asperger's, asexuality, closeted gender issues, OCD, hyperactive senses, being a clock savant, and having an exceptionally keen sense of pitch), and once I realize it, I will seem more normal.

The thing is, I don't want to be normal. I don't want to be counted amongst the masses. I have never, ever looked at them, and thought "I will someday be just like them, and I am just like them." I don't want to blend in completely. I don't want to slave away all day at a dull office position, doing menial clerical work for low pay. I want glory. Even small glory would be good. I just don't want to be in a support position forever. I'll also never be perky or bubbly. That isn't the way I am. My mom says that someday I will want to look pretty and wear makeup, and everyone gets boring office jobs anyway, but sure, I can try for better. Today, I think that being what I want to be is impossible.

I somehow managed to be both weird and a freak at the same time as being dreadfully boring and mediocre.

[Adriatic]

whenever there was a family gathering i had to attend when i was depressed (which was most of them--i suffered from severe, crippling depression for decades), she'd shoot me a look and say, "i don't care if you're not happy. pretend."

Oh god, mine too. Either I or she, depending on viewpoint and distance from events, ruined a once-in-a-lifetime foreign holiday by doing this. (I was also ill. All right, I am going to still be bitter about this. I didn't want to spend all day walking around that archaeological site because I had sodding food poisoning. But yeah, not wanting to spend time with my mum's best friend's daughter (who just wanted to talk about Greek boys and their motorbikes) was me being me.)

And then I somehow stopped being the Troubled One in the family and I was allowed to have whatever disposition I want. Maybe it was only after I was clearly doing well at university and didn't need to be worried about; maybe other family members turned out to be more troubled than me. I still don't really know what happened.

*has nothing to post*

yes, Joe; but are you angst-ridden over the fact? that's the question.

Maybe. I'm more angst ridden over the lack of cake in our house.

Then bake some. This, at least, is in your hands (though shortly afterwards ought to be in your oven).

[mort paradis]

I generally have to, as if I do not, my obvious disinterest and growing ill humour are rather apparent and I end up being besieged by people attempting to cheer me up, which just makes me more depressed and also embarrassed. Oh I gave up trying to avoid doing something stupid long ago; it is just one of those inevitabilities that happen whenever I find myself in a social situation.

oh my lord yes. or doing that sort of pouty lip thing at me to indicate they feel sorry i feel sooooo saaaaaad. although my mom was even worse, in a different way. whenever there was a family gathering i had to attend when i was depressed (which was most of them--i suffered from severe, crippling depression for decades), she'd shoot me a look and say, "i don't care if you're not happy. pretend."

boy, did i ever take that lesson to heart.

Ah yes my parents are of the type whom insist on you to wear your happy mask during all human interaction or else deal with their ‘Awww don’t be sad.... no really unless you smile I will proceed to make you feel guilty for it and then blame you for ruining our happy masquerade, and you do not want to be that scorn deserving person let me tell you’ sentiment. Needless to say I got used to smiling a lot even when I felt like killing someone... though an unintended result of their ‘training’ is that I developed a morbid and twisted sense of humour in my teens that I would frequently horrify guests with all the while smiling pleasantly at them as if having a discussion on kittens.

Though the whole smiling thing became so ingrained that I still tend to come across as cheerful even when on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.

I am extremely hard to read. Generally people cannot tell when I am upset. On the other hand, they cannot tell when I am happy. Nowadays, most of the time when someone asks if something is wrong, I look at them very confused, because there isn't anything wrong. I have been told that I do not smile enough. <_<

[Sir Oliver]

Ah yes my parents are of the type whom insist on you to wear your happy mask during all human interaction or else deal with their Awww dont be sad.... no really unless you smile I will proceed to make you feel guilty for it and then blame you for ruining our happy masquerade, and you do not want to be that scorn deserving person let me tell you sentiment. Needless to say I got used to smiling a lot even when I felt like killing someone... though an unintended result of their training is that I developed a morbid and twisted sense of humour in my teens that I would frequently horrify guests with all the while smiling pleasantly at them as if having a discussion on kittens.

Though the whole smiling thing became so ingrained that I still tend to come across as cheerful even when on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.

I actually like those horrifying topics so I smile normally whilst talking about it. I'm sure there's also a gleam in my eyes. I believe my step-mom thinks I'm a psychopath. Of couse, the rest of my blood family is just as morbid.

Also, I totally ruined my dad and stepmom's wedding photos by not smiling... In every single picture. Good times~.

[MorbidNerd]

[Sir Oliver]

Actually, I made this Paranoid Parrot the other day.

[Herr Joseph von Löthing]

*has nothing to post*

yes, Joe; but are you angst-ridden over the fact? that's the question.

Maybe. I'm more angst ridden over the lack of cake in our house.

Then bake some. This, at least, is in your hands (though shortly afterwards ought to be in your oven).

What, and spend 3 hours doing it? Pffff bugger off.

[krossero]

And, ecology lab homework: you mean it doesn't involve creating your own micro-ecosystem and leaving it on a bookshelf to evolve?

If by 'creating your own micro-ecosystem' you mean 'eating a bowl of food' and by 'leaving it on a bookshelf to evolve' you mean 'leaving it on the floor to moulder', then yes, I do it, and no, it isn't ecology homework.*

I don't know what sorts of cool shenanigans we'll be getting up to in eco lab, but I can imagine we might do something like this.

*I do clean it up, eventually, and usually before the mold comes. I'm not really a dirty person, just a busy one, and there usually isn't enough room in our sink for dishes, anyway. [/justification]

nice work overnight, people. i'm actually rather impressed. (so no, evidently i did not win. mind you, that is not the same thing as saying i lose. not the same thing at all.)

and please stop putting your moaniness in spoilers, for pity's sake. i agree with the Professor for once; we've all been too upbeat and cheerful lately. you know what happens when you've got too much repressed angstiness, don't you? no? well, trust me. you don't want to find out. been there, done that, as they do say. so let us make today the official Transyada Celebration of Angst. complain, moan, rage, spew bile in all directions. every once in awhile someone can post something funny, or grace us with Aloysius. but let us appall ourselves with our own ridiculous misery today.

we've already sort of begun, so let us simply continue. i'll be back with mine in a bit; i've got some other threads to catch up on first.

oh, and Professor? congratulations on your, er, latest addition. let me add my envy to the pile. (it does occur to me, though, that five years from now, you and i are going to be so damned competitive on any number of things that we'll be even more insufferable than we already are, and if you come to visit me and Serafine, she'll be kicking us out of the house every single day...)

1) Of course you didn't lose, P; that was never our goal. We're realists, here.

2) Yeah yeah yeah, repression scmepression. I know all about repression, and angsting under a spoiler isn't it. Not allowing yourself to angst at all is more like it. But okay, no spoilers from now on.

3) Bitchfest YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

I'll add two words to the list - "boring" and "mediocre." I have always been exceptionally averse to both. Now, the annoying part is that occasionally, I think I am.

Instead of addressing your issues in a mature and caring way, I'm going to skip right to my issues, as is the way of the Bitchfest.

So my problem is that I know that I'm boring and mediocre and average and inadequate, and all those hateful things. I always have been, and I've always wanted to not be. I've always been either just barely or wholly not enough--not smart enough, not funny enough, etc., ad infinitum. I almost always feel extraordinarily inadequate to all you Yadas, and pretty much anyone I respect.

And the not-wanting-to-be-average thing? That's why I always doubt things like my sexuality and my gender identity--I feel like I'm just trying to be special, when everyone knows I'm not.

Not that those two things are the only things I doubt in myself. Only recently have I been able to acknowledge that I'm allowed to have emotions, and even express them, though I rarely do. I still can't cry (except maybe once a year, at most) and I really can't get angry. Frustrated is the closest I can get. And even now, when I'm more open to myself and about myself, I still have a constant internal argument raging about the validity of any emotions I happen to experience.

And the kicker? My self-image is better than it has ever been. That's why I can post pictures of myself on the internet, and why I can look into mirrors. Though when I do, I always wonder that that is me; I don't identify with my body as being me, and that may be in part because I almost literally went for years without looking into a mirror once. I still rarely look myself in the eyes.

I have the ridiculously strong urge to put this under a spoiler, or not to post it at all. It's a part of that whole being-ashamed-of-my-emotions thing. I may or may not post this; I think I'll leave it for a while, though by then people will probably be past the Bitchfest, and my post will be entirely out of place and unwelcome.

You asked for it.

[Rivan Vox]

A pretty flower in a dire hour is a useful as a sable cloak to a weatherworn rook

Ah, whirling cogs, clicking gears, rusted machines given love

beans from a can? They are a delicacy.

[Sir Oliver]

Who could forget Simple Plan? (And maybe some Good Charlotte for good measure.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbtzTcSfxHo&feature=related

[MorbidNerd]

Instead of addressing your issues in a mature and caring way, I'm going to skip right to my issues, as is the way of the Bitchfest.

So my problem is that I know that I'm boring and mediocre and average and inadequate, and all those hateful things. I always have been, and I've always to not be. I've always been either just barely or wholly not enough--not smart enough, not funny enough, etc., ad infinitum. I almost always feel extraordinarily inadequate to all you Yadas, and pretty much anyone I respect.

And the not-wanting-to-be-average thing? That's why I always doubt things like my sexuality and my gender identity--I feel like I'm just trying to be special, when everyone knows I'm not.

Not that those two things are the only things I doubt in myself. Only recently have I been able to acknowledge that I'm allowed to have emotions, and even express them, though I rarely do. I still can't cry (except maybe once a year, at most) and I really can't get angry. Frustrated is the closest I can get. And even now, when I'm more open to myself and about myself, I still have a constant internal argument raging about the validity of any emotions I happen to experience.

And the kicker? My self-image is better than it has ever been. That's why I can post pictures of myself on the internet, and why I can look into mirrors. Though when I do, I always wonder that that is me; I don't identify with my body as being me, and that may be in part because I almost literally went for years without looking into a mirror once. I still rarely look myself in the eyes.

I have the ridiculously strong urge to put this under a spoiler, or not to post it at all. It's a part of that whole being-ashamed-of-my-emotions thing. I may or may not post this; I think I'll leave it for a while, though by then people will probably be past the Bitchfest, and my post will be entirely out of place and unwelcome.

You asked for it.

Wow, I can pretty much relate word for word to this entire post.