TransWhatevers of AVEN

[Starbogen]

1 minute ago, anisotrophic said:

It's so real! Definitely look forward to it!! 🙂 I got my ears re-pierced a couple months ago,  I'm going to replace the studs with hoops that should arrive soon. I started wearing occasional pendants. It's like... finally I can do those things and not feel like I have to reject them.

Yeah exactly. Like I actually really like painting my nails and wearing rings and I even want to try some heels and maybe a skirt eventually, but I wouldn't be able to do that stuff now without being read as "wtf gender is this person" at best and "female" at worst. 

[Kimmie.]

Reading my old posts here makes me realize how much I have changed in style, when I first started to try things out I was such a dress and skirt girl. That is not really my style anymore.😁 I am more of a tight jeans and t-shirt/top kind of girl.

[Bloc]

18 minutes ago, Kimmie. said:

Reading my old posts here makes me realize how much I have changed in style, when I first started to try things out I was such a dress and skirt girl. That is not really my style anymore.😁 I am more of a tight jeans and t-shirt/top kind of girl.

I am still finding my style, but I have a hunch that if I go to medically transition and would be read as a woman by default I might prefer a butch style. Wearing suits makes me uncomfortable, but women wearing them look so good that I would try if I would not be read as a men in a suit.

 

I like both skirts and dresses as well as tight jeans and t-shirts. I usually wear the latter as I am not out as trans at work and nobody can say anything against a "guy" wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I don't hide that I am queer at work I just don't feel comfortable to be out as trans there.

[Kimmie.]

3 minutes ago, Bloc said:

I am still finding my style, but I have a hunch that if I go to medically transition and would be read as a woman by default I might prefer a butch style. Wearing suits makes me uncomfortable, but women wearing them look so good that I would try if I would not be read as a men in a suit.

 

I like both skirts and dresses as well as tight jeans and t-shirts. I usually wear the latter as I am not out as trans at work and nobody can say anything against a "guy" wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I don't hide that I am queer at work I just don't feel comfortable to be out as trans there.

The place where I am out is here. But maybe when/if I start HRT then I might feel more comfortable in skirts. 

[Starbogen]

This kind of look is pretty much what I want to experiment with and what I meant by wanting to try high heels..

 

Spoiler

 

 

[uniQChick]

Even suites look appealing on many women, we should be aware of our body type. We might see ourselves beautiful in the mirror, but… When trying something on, it is best to have honest friend whom will tell you the truth if it looks good on you or not. Is that complement what we 're trying to achieve or not.

[anisotrophic]

14 hours ago, Starbogen said:

This kind of look is pretty much what I want to experiment with and what I meant by wanting to try high heels..

 

  Hide contents

 

 

Oooh, nice transition goal! I like it. I was looking at heels while shopping yesterday. Not until I'm a lot more male-looking I think!

[Calligraphette_Coe]

On 2/29/2020 at 8:58 PM, Starbogen said:

I don't think so, no.. Your gender is what it is whether you're out, or have transitioned, or can do it at all, or not. If you're female but you can't express that in your daily life that doesn't make you "not female".

Think about it from another perspective, like for example a gay person who has to live as straight for fear of the consequences.. they're still gay, so if they were in a safe space where they could call themselves gay it'd be totally valid and authentic for them to do so even though in their daily "real" life they were "straight in practice", if that makes sense. 

 

It's horrible that there are people who do shit like that and deceive people to abuse them, but you being yourself has nothing to do with that you know? You're forced to live a certain way because of your circumstances but that doesn't make you a "man pretending to be female" it just makes you a trans woman who isn't able to come out irl or transition. But if you have safe space online or otherwise where you can freely call yourself female then there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying you're female and not even specifying you're trans or whatever if you don't want to.

 

I haven't transitioned medically or legally, so in a biological and legal way I'm still considered "female", but whenever I'm asked my gender and not my sex I just put male, like here, because I can and want to and it is what it is even if I haven't transitioned as much as I want to yet. (I also always sign my real name instead of my birthname on official stuff.. like you know, I have to write my legal name in print but when it comes to signing I say fuck it and write my name, and I don't consider that wrong either... no one has noticed or said anything at least X'D). Also, there's been several times when I've had to fill out documents at like a doctor's office or something and some of the papers ask just what your sex is but then others also ask your gender. I always ask to make sure that that's what they're really asking and that they're not just using sex and gender interchangeably, and the response I've always gotten to that is basically "oh yeah, just whatever you identify as", so then I gladly and freely mark male. Anyway my point with that is just that even in a real life, official, professional setting there's still a lot of people and systems that understand that some people's sex and gender aren't alligned and they don't consider it wrong or dishonest for someone to be classified as one thing in some areas but openly identify as something else.. so yeah idk just put whatever you're comfortable with you know?

Sorry for the rambling response..

Yes, it's not like I'm going to  meet anyone from online safe spaces in the 'real'world. And chances are, with the way I look and comport, they'd say " We're not surprised, you totally look the part! In almost 9 years here on AVEN, I never had anyone tell me they'd like to even give me a phone call. 

 

There is absolutely NO way I"d ever meet anyone from online without telling them waaaaay ahead of time that I'm a transperson who can't transition, and if that makes you uncomfortable, please tell me and I'll just go all :::::flash of light, puff of cybersmoke:::::: and vanish. I've done that before when people got hostile, being somewhat like The Roadrunner (meep-meep).

 

It happened again this week at work-- a crew with all new people needed help with some drawings and got talking to me, thinking I was in my 40s. When I told them I'm old enought to retire, they were all "NO WAY!"

 

So maybe staying out of the sun, moistureizeing and looking androgynous really keeps you looking younger.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

On 3/1/2020 at 6:50 PM, Laurann said:

Seems to be, yes  

Do it. You're not deceiving anyone. It's not at all dishonest to put 'female' if you are a trans woman. It's the truth, in fact.

 

I think that it's not your job to 'warn' people that you are trans. Some people just are trans, and people have to just accept that there's a possibility they are talking to a trans person when they're talking to someone they don't know well.

 

Sure, you should probably tell people about this aspect of yourself when you date them, but since you don't, that's not an issue.

 

I understand that this fear you have of deceiving people comes from societal transphobia that portrays trans women as predatory, but I just wish you could see that as the bullshit it is. Easier said than done of course, but I still think it would help you a lot ❤️

There's a sort of double bind in being trans and repulsed by sexuality-- there's no way I look at all predatory, if there is such a thing. I've had women say, "we just assumed you were gay." One of the most hurtful things I ever experienced was giving into a female who was VERY aggressive. Let's just say it worked out being as confusing as a fish on a bicycle. We were plaonic friends for a couple of years, but when she found out I was a virgin, that really turned her on. Maybe it was the cis-herero equivalent of putting notches in the bedpost for her. For me, I ended up feeling stupid and useless for even hoping it might make me cis and hetero.

I would NEVER admit this to someone in person,.

 

 I just feel as predatory as a cypress tree-- it's like EUUUWWWWW, not that! Nothing personal, I just don't and can't feel 'that' way.

[nerdperson777]

On 3/4/2020 at 12:58 PM, Starbogen said:

I wore some new joggers today that are tighter than my usual ones and like.. on one hand I hate my hips and but area but on the other the rest of my legs looks very nice actually XD

 

The weight I've gained lately isn't so bad though. I do like that my arms are noticeably a bit ticker. But for me the weight redistribution is definitely one of the things I'm looking forward to the most about HRT. I especially want more weight/muscle/bulk in like my back/torso area? Because my waist looks naturally pretty flat from the front but when I turn sideways there's a more visible feminine-looking curve, even though my butt isn't that big, and I hate that.. 

Yeah, I probably haven't thought about changing my mannerisms so I notice that I sometimes stick my butt out a little when I'm standing.  Then I can see the curve in my lower back.  It doesn't feel very me, but I'm not changing anything so I guess that's just there now.

 

On 3/6/2020 at 1:31 PM, Starbogen said:

Yeah exactly. Like I actually really like painting my nails and wearing rings and I even want to try some heels and maybe a skirt eventually, but I wouldn't be able to do that stuff now without being read as "wtf gender is this person" at best and "female" at worst. 

I saw a post some weeks ago where someone wrote that binary trans people are thinking "I hope no one notices", while non-binary people are "LOOK AT ME AND BE CONFUSED".

 

On 3/7/2020 at 12:11 PM, Bloc said:

I like both skirts and dresses as well as tight jeans and t-shirts. I usually wear the latter as I am not out as trans at work and nobody can say anything against a "guy" wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I don't hide that I am queer at work I just don't feel comfortable to be out as trans there.

My roommate earlier in the week said that she thinks her boobs are too big to hide.  I thought that was a given a long time ago.  She started wearing bras to work and her men's dress shirts don't exactly have space for boobs and she must have at least B cups.  I later mentioned that my instructor made a comment about her boobs being bigger after she looked in the mirror.  I just casually asked, "isn't that a good thing?"

 

8 hours ago, Calligraphette_Coe said:

It happened again this week at work-- a crew with all new people needed help with some drawings and got talking to me, thinking I was in my 40s. When I told them I'm old enought to retire, they were all "NO WAY!"

 

So maybe staying out of the sun, moisturizing and looking androgynous really keeps you looking younger.

I'm actually kind of thinking to write down all the times my age was not what I seemed and share it.  I've gone to a fabric store and get asked if it's for a school project.  I said that I wanted to make the company logo for the place I was working at.  One day, the students were guessing our ages.  The junior in college got a relatively accurate age, and 30.  Someone said that I was 12.  You kind of need to be 14 to work here.  Some student kept calling me daddy because apparently I looked like his dad.  I realized that he was like 4 so I'm actually old enough to be a dad.  Another student a few years ago, I remarked that I was twice his age.  He came from a more traditional family so he said that I was old enough to have a wife and kids.  I don't get why that has to be the first thought on people's minds.  A parent asked if I was in high school.  Then last week, another student asked if I'm done with high school.  I graduated college a few years ago already.

[Rynn]

5 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I saw a post some weeks ago where someone wrote that binary trans people are thinking "I hope no one notices", while non-binary people are "LOOK AT ME AND BE CONFUSED".

Haha I think I'm a combination of both of these things. I want people to be confused, but I also don't want it to be a big deal, so I hope no-one notices something is off, but I also want them to be confused. Very contradictory.

I kind of just want people to not gender me at all, but that's not a thing.

[Starbogen]

I had a really rough time today.. 

At one point I was talking to the case worker cause today was my last day of the partial psych hospitalization, and I was already sensitive and crying cause I was filling out a thing that well.. triggered that reaction with a question on it. Anyway then she was gonna ask me who my psychologist was or something but she was looking down at my documents or whatever, where my legal name is.. and yeah... she accidentally called me by my birthname and I just fucking broke and shut down for like five minutes. I can't remember the last time I had a reaction that bad to someone calling me by birthname.

 

Usually when I hear it it's just my family slipping up or saying it when they think I can't hear, or when I'm dealing with people who have access to that info (so like doctors' offices) for the first time so I haven't informed them yet what to call me. Those are moments that are not surprising at all so I just flinch internally and move on. But this time I just started crying more and couldn't talk do anything for a while. I guess it was cause not only was I already really emotionally vulnerable but it was really unexpected because none of the staff had stumbled with my name or pronouns since the stuff that happened the first day. And this particular doctor was one who had never gotten it wrong, so that just really hit me out of nowhere when I was already down. 

 

And then later when I went back to the group therapy chat thing, at one point after I said something, the doctor said something along the lines of "like she said..." and I'll be honest, after like ten minutes after that I realized it was entirely possible that she didn't mess up my pronouns and she was literally just talking about something someone else had said earlier, but I was pretty zoned out so no idea. But anyway, in the moment I immediately thought she was referring to me and I just shut down again and cried silently for the rest of that segment of the day. I was a total fucking mess today. 

[Bloc]

*Offers hugs*

[Andrea KF]

On 3/7/2020 at 8:44 PM, Kimmie. said:

Reading my old posts here makes me realize how much I have changed in style, when I first started to try things out I was such a dress and skirt girl. That is not really my style anymore.😁 I am more of a tight jeans and t-shirt/top kind of girl.

I like tank tops. And had one that I didn't look too ridiculous in, but I can't find new ones 😞

 

Have to check if female tops are available in my size.

 

I'm not too fond of tight jeans. I'd rather wear a dress.👗

 

On 3/8/2020 at 1:25 AM, Starbogen said:

This kind of look is pretty much what I want to experiment with and what I meant by wanting to try high heels..

I would try high heels, but that would make me more than 2 m tall.😕

[Starbogen]

I have like a couple of confessions or something..

So lately I've been going to more intensive therapy and trying to start getting my life together and all that so I've been thinking and talking a lot about things I want to change. And I always mention transitioning (medically and legally) last, almost as if it was an afterthought, and I feel kinda guilty about that. It also feeds all that self doubt and "not trans enough" feelings and stuff.

 

The other thing is tied to that and it's that since I feel so mentally unstable and unsure about myself as a person and about everything right now I decided that I wouldn't start any process to transition until I'm in a healthier place mentally and in life in general, and several people have told me that's a great choice and sort of say or imply that it's okay to take the time to figure out whatever is best for me. And here's the "confession".. that I kinda hate that.

I lowkey hate it when people tell me that because while I obviously agree that it's the right thing to wait until I'm better, I do want to transition and I hate that I have to wait because my mental illness makes me feel lost and insecure and their comments about "figuring out what is right for you" just make me feel worse because it feels like they're saying that I might end up not transitioning medically and legally and I would fucking hate that. I don't want transitioning to be something I have to wait more to figure out, I've already been thinking about it for the four years I've been living as male and I just want to feel sure of myself and okay enough before I do it, and I don't right now because I'm a fucking mess right now, but I do still know it's something I want and need to alliviate body and social dysphoria and to feel truly comfortable and more like myself. 

[anisotrophic]

Hey @Starbogen I've dealt with mental health issues for over two decades, since ~18, when I had to take a year off college. I'll share my personal experience, in case it helps. I'm high functioning & achieve a lot – but also prone to depression, low self esteem / feeling like I don't matter, and suicidal ideation (all this can lead to days and weekends – and more – spent doing little more than resisting doing something bad).

The main concern to worry about, I think, is believing that transition actions are going to fix mental illness issues separate to dysphoria. They won't. I suspect that fallacy (and blaming dysphoria for other mental health issues) may be what results in "detransition" stories.

Another concern is that hormonal transition will affect your emotional experience. This might have some positive effects; for me, emotions became less acute, and that was good for me. But also negative effects: losing the ability to cry meant I had to get more deliberate about understanding when I felt unhappy, and why. At one point I felt blindsided by suicidal ideation – it felt like it hit me without warning (i.e. before I would have been more self-aware I was getting to that point). I use mood logging to try to keep track of my emotions, I treat my mood disorder as a chronic condition and don't blame myself for it. You can take deliberate measures to try to mitigate the risks here (rules for yourself to call hotlines, mood logging, other self therapy), you might discuss what you can do with your therapist.

Transition was still good for me. It didn't cure my mental illness. But if I required a clean bill of mental health, I could have postponed indefinitely. It also marked a point in my life where I stood up for myself and my own needs and happiness, and I think that was a good thing. As such, it's been part of me moving forward with my mental health, even though it didn't "solve" it in a direct way.

Personally, I think if you're very self-aware of what transition will and won't do for you – i.e. that it won't fix other mental health issues – I don't think you should feel like you have to postpone. Postponing transition may contribute to mental health issues simply by looming over you as symbolic of something negative. At the same time, if knowing these risks (in particular, that it may create a new landscape for emotions that may interact with mental health issues) means you'd rather see if you can get better first, I think that's also reasonable.

[nerdperson777]

On 3/10/2020 at 8:59 AM, Andrea KF said:

I like tank tops. And had one that I didn't look too ridiculous in, but I can't find new ones 😞

 

When I was growing up, I made it known that I wore undershirts, not tank tops.  The kind I wear now, everyone calls them wife beaters, but I kind of hate that term.  It just sounds so abusive.  I like the old classic kind from decades ago but it seems like now it's all the skinny ones that have very low armpits.  Also I prefer the smooth ones to the ribbed ones.  Uniqlo has smooth tanks, but they're only available in kid sizes.  That frustrates me a little.

 

6 hours ago, Starbogen said:

I have like a couple of confessions or something..

So lately I've been going to more intensive therapy and trying to start getting my life together and all that so I've been thinking and talking a lot about things I want to change. And I always mention transitioning (medically and legally) last, almost as if it was an afterthought, and I feel kinda guilty about that. It also feeds all that self doubt and "not trans enough" feelings and stuff.

 

The other thing is tied to that and it's that since I feel so mentally unstable and unsure about myself as a person and about everything right now I decided that I wouldn't start any process to transition until I'm in a healthier place mentally and in life in general, and several people have told me that's a great choice and sort of say or imply that it's okay to take the time to figure out whatever is best for me. And here's the "confession".. that I kinda hate that.

I lowkey hate it when people tell me that because while I obviously agree that it's the right thing to wait until I'm better, I do want to transition and I hate that I have to wait because my mental illness makes me feel lost and insecure and their comments about "figuring out what is right for you" just make me feel worse because it feels like they're saying that I might end up not transitioning medically and legally and I would fucking hate that. I don't want transitioning to be something I have to wait more to figure out, I've already been thinking about it for the four years I've been living as male and I just want to feel sure of myself and okay enough before I do it, and I don't right now because I'm a fucking mess right now, but I do still know it's something I want and need to alleviate body and social dysphoria and to feel truly comfortable and more like myself. 

It's natural to feel "not trans enough", but that's gatekeeping.  We are all trans enough.

 

I feel like reasons to and not transition can go a lot of ways.  I thought that since my mental health was separate from gender issues, transitioning wouldn't solve it all and it wasn't going to help.  Even if I wasn't trans, I was still going to be anxious and depressed.  When I graduated college (barely), I was not getting any better without school weighing on my shoulders.  I went to a local informed consent clinic a few weeks after I finally got a job.  It took me like 2 months from starting the process to starting T, but it still happened.  I was amazed at how much better I felt after taking T.  My therapist said that she could see that I smiled during my session when I had been on T for a month.  Usually I was sad or not emoting.  So I'm glad I took T, even though when I started identifying with the community, I didn't think I would take hormones.

 

What I learned that medical transition may not solve all problems, but it solved something.  There's so much more I can do when I'm not incapacitated by gender dysphoria.  So maybe transition will help your mental health get to a better place.  Maybe solving the mental health will put you in a better mindset to transition.  It's hard to tell.  For me personally, obviously transitioning helped mine, but it could be the other way with you.  There's a lot of factors that go in the decision to transition now or later.  But I'm on the side of using transition to improve mental health.

[nerdperson777]

Next on messing with gender, my phone playlist was playing Phantom of the Opera.  I've said before that I prefer singing tenor, or any female voice ranges.  So I thought if I end up in some improv thing and people "expect" me to be Phantom and some girl is Christine, I want to sing the high parts too.  Instead of "sing to me", why not "sing with me"?  I may not be able to hit all the notes, but I might be able to even hit the notes higher than whatever girl's doing the duet with me.  My only issue is that I can synchronize my pitch, I can't sing it myself with instrumental.

[I am a COnfUsIon]

Boiiiiiiii!! I have been searching for an online queer community and I think I just found it. And Porygon, I resonate with that post. 

[Emery.]

Hi everyone  Nice to see you again and to meet the new peeps as well. 

 

My uni has online classes now, so I’m restoring some online connections now. 

 

I see this thread isn’t as active now as it used to be. 

 

Not much going on on the transition front on my side. Or maybe something, but it’s very slow. Well, I’m not going to take T, so beyond haircut and pronouns, nothing happens further. 

 

From perspective, I think I underestimated the weight of my gender issues. I read all that you’re writing and I’m like, holy God, how on Earth could I function like that. Maybe the way I showed it wasn’t acute, but seeing the contrast in who I am, how I express myself, in those 5 years or so, that alone is striking and it surprises me how well I tolerated this „in the wrong body/shell” madness. I can’t pass for a straight female at all now. I’m no good company for little girls and stuff like that. I’m one of those guys who are really rough. 

 

I agree with what others have said about mental health issues. I used to struggle with depression and anxiety, but it’s been gone now for a good chunk of time. So, yeah, I’d say gender dysphoria isn’t the only factor causing that kind of issues but it’s one of them. 

 

About skirts, well, I don’t wear them. I’m a guy, so... I mean, they aren’t that uncomfortable but really don’t want to look like a woman in such an obvious way. I think I also lost the habit of thinking of female fashion as something for me. Many trans men see skirts, heels, makeup etc. as appealing to wear, because of being initially socialised as female. The deeper you sink into the new gender, the more it vanishes. 

 

Geez, I also get that age thing. People ask me if I’m in high school. What the heck.

 

Ah, college graduation. Coming soon. I can’t wait for it. It’s so stagnant to go to one school for 5 years. 

[iff]

 

[nerdperson777]

On 3/27/2020 at 4:31 AM, Emery. said:

About skirts, well, I don’t wear them. I’m a guy, so... I mean, they aren’t that uncomfortable but really don’t want to look like a woman in such an obvious way. I think I also lost the habit of thinking of female fashion as something for me. Many trans men see skirts, heels, makeup etc. as appealing to wear, because of being initially socialised as female. The deeper you sink into the new gender, the more it vanishes. 

 

Geez, I also get that age thing. People ask me if I’m in high school. What the heck.

Now I wouldn't say completely no, but I haven't found something for me to say yes, so *shrugs*.  But makeup and heels don't seem practical to me.  I can't be bothered to learn about makeup for an everyday thing, but costuming, I might get into that kind of makeup.  Heels, yes you get taller, but I would not do it at the expense of my feet getting warped.  I'm not at the stage yet where female gendered things don't make me dysphoric anymore either, so I wouldn't say I'm completely there yet.  But it is true about the sinking into the new gender.  Things just feel normal as is, and you stop thinking about it.  But that leads to other thoughts.  Like mine is that gender becomes less relevant to me, but that's due to being used to being seen as male, which doesn't make me dysphoric.  If I get gendered as female, I'll be dysphoric, yes.  But I wouldn't have had that gender thought until I've transitioned to a masculine appearance.

 

19 hours ago, iff said:

 

There was a time I was at the school's LGBT center.  We had just finished a meeting.  I looked out the windows and it was sunset time.  The sky was indeed light blue and pink.  When I said it was trans, at least one person laughed.

 

 

And an extra thing, I was talking in the family chat for my mom's side of the family.  My cousin had told at least her mom, but don't know who else that I didn't want to be called a girl, not sure about the name.  But I was just talking in the chat yesterday and one aunt just calls me the correct name, twice.  I just thought that meant that my identity was known to everyone already so I didn't make a big deal about it.  Apparently people didn't know, because my cousin texted me later about it.  I said normally, it's wrong to out someone, but given the current circumstances, I didn't want to think too much about it.  But I know my mom would.  I've been so stressed from having to stay in so much and my schedule got thrown out the window so that my brain has been overloading.  The extra thinking is most likely what's making me tired so I should just think less for my sanity.

[Celyn: The Lutening]

5 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

Heels, yes you get taller, but I would not do it at the expense of my feet getting warped

As masc as I am, I love heels. Lemme be tol and ~FABULOUS~.

[Custard Cream]

12 minutes ago, Celyn said:

As masc as I am, I love heels. Lemme be tol and ~FABULOUS~.

I'm not against heels, they look amazing and I'd love to wear them and look tall and fabulous, but I just can't bear the pain... my feet absolutely hate them.

 

[Celyn: The Lutening]

12 minutes ago, Custard Cream said:

I'm not against heels, they look amazing and I'd love to wear them and look tall and fabulous, but I just can't bear the pain... my feet absolutely hate them.

 

😢

[Emery.]

At the beginning I was like “OMG, am I going to look bad, is this flattering?” etc. I was a really important issue for me. I was using clothing also as a way of self-expression. I don’t know when or how, I changed this frame of mind. Like, I like to paint, but why paint your body? 

 

Yeah, high heels are uncomfortable. But they are one of the things I liked, skirts and dresses too. And painting nails. I wasn’t into makeup beyond the minimum. Idk, but maybe it’s stopping to wear makeup, even foundation, that contributed to passing. Doing makeup is just something I dislike, it needs so much patience and the result is so small. Well, I also don’t think my face without it is ugly  

 

Maybe another factor contributing to passing is that now I exercise every second or third day, quite heavily. I always had the talent to gain muscle mass so here we go. Still, I’d still say an exercised body with low testosterone looks very different to an exercised body with high testosterone. The frame is still quite delicate or graceful or what have you. The muscles are small and the body is wiry rather than muscular. Still, I lift... a lot *proud* 50 kg is fine. Speaking of which, I gained 6kg of pure muscle mass this year and I feel like I still have space for improvement. ... I’m not sure how that much exercise goes with makeup, tbh. I’m in a constant state of dehydration and try really hard to maintain enough body fat, because in an ad hoc home measurement it was 10% of my total mass, and it’s too little for both sexes. And I weigh on the higher end for my height. So, um, that’s the “wiry” I’m talking about. The chances are, makeup would make me look like a vampire. Lol. I don’t need any more sharpening of the features. But really, I thought I’m a wimp and can’t ever get near what I achieved in sport, namely acrobatics is quite cool, but you need to be strong to e.g. jump high or pull yourself up. 

 

Dysphoria. Hm. I’d say that sometimes it’s a trade-off between sticking to your old habits and getting what you want, of course it’s all societal BS, sure, but I want to be perceived as a guy, or at least masculine, because this is what I want to get from others, I enjoy fulfilling such a role, clothes are one thing, but I’m very much into the whole rest and I don’t mind the clothes, I actually enjoy men’s clothing, it makes me feel good about myself, very unlike feminine clothes. I pass with long hair, but I suppose that I look like a quite normal fan of heavy metal and oh well, I love heavy metal so that stereotype is true at least. Anyway, this is why it is shocking to me how much I changed, I’m like... extremely butch, the masculinity I present is so exaggerated that I can pass with long hair. And... I finally feel good expressing myself this way. 

 

43 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

Like mine is that gender becomes less relevant to me, but that's due to being used to being seen as male, which doesn't make me dysphoric. 

Yeah. Same here. I get these thoughts too, however, I don’t like the thought of going back. I tried to imagine that a few times. *shivers* I used to not feel dysphoric about feminine stuff, but now I do, and I think several factors come into it. One is getting used to masculine style and feeling odd and stupid in feminine clothes at this point. But the same is true of any fancy clothing. It’s more of a shock, if you sit on a hot beach, jumping straight into cold water is worse than if the weather is cold. Another reason is that my need to be masculine became more pronounced or more expressed. So it’s not a dysphoric reason per say, but a strong preference or want for something completely opposite, and I don’t want to leave any room for speculation that I’m undecided. 

 

End of rant

[Celyn: The Lutening]

6 minutes ago, Emery. said:

Still, I’d still say an exercised body with low testosterone looks very different to an exercised body with high testosterone. The frame is still quite delicate or graceful or what have you. The muscles are small and the body is wiry rather than muscular.

Well I'm an elf so graceful and wiry is what I'm after.

Jealous of the passing with long hair though.

[Emery.]

48 minutes ago, Celyn said:

Jealous of the passing with long hair though.

Tbh I also find it hard to believe.

[Rynn]

I've never been into make-up, high heels or nails, but long hair, love that.

I used to like skirts as well, back when I was a kid. Much more comfortable than pants. But then dysphoria hit.

I think I could maybe learn to like skirts again at some point far in the future.

 

I second this:

1 hour ago, Celyn said:

Jealous of the passing with long hair though.

 

[anisotrophic]

4 hours ago, Celyn said:

Jealous of the passing with long hair though.

I'm definitely not there yet! So I also have skepticism how doable this is without a lot of hormonal transition. Facial hair is starting to come in, and I stopped shaving with the lockdown (and stopped wearing my binder so much!)... but it's just a little, awkward. My kids are amused by it. Hair long enough to sit on. I don't mind just being confusing to look at -- that's probably my goal. 😂

 

Elevator shoes are fun. I've been meaning to buy a new pair, I wore them out.