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Teagan KGB

TransWhatevers of AVEN

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Karst
On 8/29/2019 at 12:38 AM, Coddiwomple said:

I hate when people conflate sexuality and gender, and the word "identity" never added anything to anything. Nonbinary isn't my "gender identity" any more than asexual is my "sexual identity", they're just my gender and sexuality.

I think that adding "identity" to something implies that it's more about how you feel than how others choose to label you. 

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Coddiwomple
9 hours ago, Iridium said:

I think that adding "identity" to something implies that it's more about how you feel than how others choose to label you. 

Eh, assumptions are just that--assumptions. If others choose to inaccurately label my sexuality/gender, that doesn't make their false assumptions my actual sexuality/gender. I personally find the word identity unnecessary, but I understand if others use it to help clarify things. Most of the time it just seems redundant to me though.

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Fluffy Femme Guy
On 8/15/2019 at 6:55 PM, Just Dani said:

I've never quite understood the concept of "fitting in". Trying to get along with people is one thing, but fitting in seems to imply that in order to do that, you have to repress who you truly in the hopes of blending in with everyone else. And when people do that, they tend to end up turning into clones, which is pretty bland and boring in my opinion. 

I honestly don't know how most people can do that and not completely hate themselves.

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Karst
14 hours ago, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

I honestly don't know how most people can do that and not completely hate themselves.

You say that like they're mutually exclusive...

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Just Dani
14 hours ago, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

I honestly don't know how most people can do that and not completely hate themselves.

Me neither. 😶

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ColeHW34
20 hours ago, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

I honestly don't know how most people can do that and not completely hate themselves.

Me neither. 

Fortunately i don't blend in into other groups.

But honestly the best people IMHO are people who don't fit in and are like I don't give a damn about stereotypical "manly" or "girly" things .

All of my friends are non conforming in one way or another.

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Kimmie.

I get so mad at myself because I get so jealous at some women that looks like i wished and dream i do.

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Celyn
5 minutes ago, Kimmie. said:

I get so mad at myself because I get so jealous at some women that looks like i wished and dream i do.

Swap the genders and yeah. When I look at a guy and think "I want to look like that," it's just me ruining my own day.

Pretty guys, please hide from me.

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Kimmie.
13 minutes ago, Celyn said:

Swap the genders and yeah. When I look at a guy and think "I want to look like that," it's just me ruining my own day.

Pretty guys, please hide from me.

I get mad at myself because it is not their fault, no one should feel like they have to hide or not be proud of their looks because of me.

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nerdperson777
On 9/12/2019 at 10:44 AM, Kimmie. said:

I get mad at myself because it is not their fault, no one should feel like they have to hide or not be proud of their looks because of me.

I hear about trans kids or teenagers that let them transition during their teenage years and think, they're really lucky but I don't want to make them feel guilty that that they got it way better than the rest of us.

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Celyn
22 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

I hear about trans kids or teenagers that let them transition during their teenage years and think, they're really lucky but I don't want to make them feel guilty that that they got it way better than the rest of us.

I am jealous of them but at the same time I was an egg for most of my teens and by the time I clued up I was working my butt off trying to do well academically and get into a good uni so I just ignored gender entirely for like 5 years, so it's my own bloody fault I'm not where they are.

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nerdperson777
12 hours ago, Celyn said:

I am jealous of them but at the same time I was an egg for most of my teens and by the time I clued up I was working my butt off trying to do well academically and get into a good uni so I just ignored gender entirely for like 5 years, so it's my own bloody fault I'm not where they are.

Well, it's not really a race.  I did the same thing.  I started having gender issues in my second year of college.  Something was depressing me at the time, but I had no clue what.  I remember taking a history class at the time about the 20th century and women went to college just to find a guy to marry.  Most of the times they dropped out once they hooked up or got pregnant.  I was starting to realize that I never would've wanted to drop out of college for a guy.  I'm not sure what got me to look up trans identities, but that ended up being one of the reasons for my depression.  The other was living in a family where I had no point to do anything because I never would be rewarded for anything I did.  It was just put your head down, study, and get the grades.  Then if I got the grades, okay, move on.  If I don't, just get yelled at.  I had gone to the school psychologist before but then I read on the school app, that if I had at least one of the ten issues on the given list, I can get an emergency appointment, as most people had to schedule 3 weeks in advance.  I ended up having 5-8 of those issues simultaneously, so I was living with very poor mental health and I didn't even realize.  My parents had impossible standards.  I did whatever they asked, and I really got nothing out of it.  All I do is save myself a scolding or a beating, all which would make me anxious.

 

But anyway, I got college to explore myself, without most of parental influence, so I finally did have a chance to explore and express myself.  But that came with a painful questioning of what my entire life was.  I remember describing my time in college as discovering emotions that I should've known as a child, and I felt like a child learning things.  I went through a phase of believing that my whole life was a lie.  Nothing my parents taught me really helped me in life.  Studying my butt off just made me a hermit that didn't know anything else.  Then I would be scolded for not knowing anything else, when academics was all I was told to do.  I guess I had to break at some point, whether from the mental illness or gender issues.

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PoeciMeta

I entered a room and my father saw me from the corner of his eye and said: "Hello boy (sic). Oh, sorry. Hello girl (sic).''

I'm half frustrated, half glad to not look too much like a girl at first glance. Strange. 

 

@Celyn @nerdperson777 I do blame myself for hiding the issue and missing the opportunity for puberty blockers. Albeit not having a word for it, I was aware of my bodily dysphoria basically since puberty started, but instead of speaking up, I hid it, along with the puberty itself, for as long as I could. Of course at some point it's hard to pretend to not have started puberty at all, but I was in full denial of that. 

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Karst
On 9/14/2019 at 2:22 PM, PoeciMeta said:

I entered a room and my father saw me from the corner of his eye and said: "Hello boy (sic). Oh, sorry. Hello girl (sic).''

I'm half frustrated, half glad to not look too much like a girl at first glance. Strange. 

 

@Celyn @nerdperson777 I do blame myself for hiding the issue and missing the opportunity for puberty blockers. Albeit not having a word for it, I was aware of my bodily dysphoria basically since puberty started, but instead of speaking up, I hid it, along with the puberty itself, for as long as I could. Of course at some point it's hard to pretend to not have started puberty at all, but I was in full denial of that. 

It's not your fault. If I understand what you're saying correctly, you didn't know that the problem was fixable, so how could you have gotten help for it?

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PoeciMeta
8 hours ago, Iridium said:

It's not your fault. If I understand what you're saying correctly, you didn't know that the problem was fixable, so how could you have gotten help for it?

Yeah. Or rather, I knew it was fixable in theory, because I already knew surgery was fantastic and at least a mastectomy was certainly doable, but in practice? I thought I'd have to wait until adulthood and find a surgeon that would accept anything more or less legally as long as the pay is good. There's a bit of that. But I was also in huuuge denial and refused to acknowledge the problem. I refused to be called a teenager, to wear bras, to even look at myself. Voicing the issue, putting it into words, was too terrifying and violent to even think about it. Still is. When the issue of my body is raised, I kind of shut down. *sigh*

I think I was also really scared to let my parents know that I hated being a girl. Something about it struck me as needing to stay secret. Because.... it was bad, right? I had to just laugh it off and keep behaving like a child, as always. I had to grow, yet I was forbidden to. 

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nerdperson777
On 9/14/2019 at 11:22 AM, PoeciMeta said:

 

@Celyn @nerdperson777 I do blame myself for hiding the issue and missing the opportunity for puberty blockers. Albeit not having a word for it, I was aware of my bodily dysphoria basically since puberty started, but instead of speaking up, I hid it, along with the puberty itself, for as long as I could. Of course at some point it's hard to pretend to not have started puberty at all, but I was in full denial of that. 

I think I knew what I wanted, and didn't want, even before puberty started.  I have an aunt who goes around looking like a guy, being flat, wearing male gendered clothing, and I really looked up to that.  But I don't think she's trans, because she's made jokes about that before, like some woman was so tall, so she must be trans.  Then another aunt had breast cancer and removed one breast.  I thought it was cool that I had aunts on this boob spectrum, two boobs, one boob, and no boob.  I wanted to be no boob.

Then I never wanted a period.  Thankfully I started late, but I didn't like the feeling at all.  Before I started, I didn't want it to ever happen.  My kid rationale was that if I had an aunt with no boobs, maybe I can have no period.  My mom said that I wouldn't be able to have children if I didn't.  Now I just think, well that doesn't matter anyway.

 

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Fluffy Femme Guy
On 9/14/2019 at 5:07 AM, nerdperson777 said:

But that came with a painful questioning of what my entire life was.  I remember describing my time in college as discovering emotions that I should've known as a child, and I felt like a child learning things.  I went through a phase of believing that my whole life was a lie.  Nothing my parents taught me really helped me in life.

This is painfully relatable.

I knew/felt 'something' as a child, but I didn't have words to put to it, and I didn't know what 'trans' was till I was 29, and that's only because my bestie came out and started transitioning, and I wanted to be helpful and supportive, so I did a bunch of research.
Then I started remembering a bunch of things.

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Janus DarkFox

My last psych appointment went great, my psych has acknowledged the desire to change the gender, so now between 3-6 months should have somewhere book a double appointment to determine any gender dysphoria properly this time.  Psych also wants a memory test ordered and sometime rule out any feminisation as a result of any thyroid condition.  Hopefully the meds I’m on for other things are not a cause of any unintentional gender transition, psych stated my inability to remember anything short term after a quick unannounced assessment.  Hopefully that’s part of being autistic rather than just a thyroid issue.  The GP is completely useless at this point and wouldn’t give me even a blood test even after improving the diet and exercise, will not see me without any symptoms, so specialist referral is my only recourse.

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Gethealien

Hi,

Non binary person here. Although a very closted one!

I'm kinda slowly learning to accept that I'm not in the binary and yeah I'm getting there. But trying to hide it like hell because my parents can't find out.

I kinda use non binary because I really can't be botherd to try and find a label that no one understands. I'm just them. I'm me and that's it.

Ge

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Just Dani

@Gethealien Hi, and welcome! (^o^)/ 

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Gethealien
3 minutes ago, Just Dani said:

@Gethealien Hi, and welcome! (^o^)/ 

Thanks. 

Ge

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Just Dani
8 minutes ago, Gethealien said:

Thanks. 

Ge

You're welcome. :) 

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DarkStormyKnight
21 hours ago, Gethealien said:

Hi,

Non binary person here. Although a very closted one!

I'm kinda slowly learning to accept that I'm not in the binary and yeah I'm getting there. But trying to hide it like hell because my parents can't find out.

I kinda use non binary because I really can't be botherd to try and find a label that no one understands. I'm just them. I'm me and that's it.

Ge

Hey glad to have you here! I'm NB as well :) 

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ColeHW34
On 9/24/2019 at 10:27 AM, Gethealien said:

Hi,

Non binary person here. Although a very closted one!

I'm kinda slowly learning to accept that I'm not in the binary and yeah I'm getting there. But trying to hide it like hell because my parents can't find out.

I kinda use non binary because I really can't be botherd to try and find a label that no one understands. I'm just them. I'm me and that's it.

Ge

Welcome to AVEN,

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ElasticPlanet
On 9/24/2019 at 1:09 PM, Janus DarkFox said:

The GP is completely useless at this point and wouldn’t give me even a blood test even after improving the diet and exercise, will not see me without any symptoms

Useless indeed! How is he not counting dysphoria itself as a valid symptom?

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nerdperson777
On 9/23/2019 at 11:55 PM, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

This is painfully relatable.

I knew/felt 'something' as a child, but I didn't have words to put to it, and I didn't know what 'trans' was till I was 29, and that's only because my bestie came out and started transitioning, and I wanted to be helpful and supportive, so I did a bunch of research.
Then I started remembering a bunch of things.

Well, in my case, I didn't find that my mental issues and gender dysphoria to be directly related.  Even if I wasn't trans, I think I would've suffered anyway from the way I was treated growing up.  The only things I needed to do was what my parents told me.  Straightforward.  Kinda.  Do what they say, and I'll have a successful life.  Simple.  Except I would do all of it and then "no it's wrong" even if I did exactly what they said.  Most importantly, don't feel about how to do it, just do it.  It doesn't matter if you like it or not, you have to do it anyway.  I then never learned how to emote correctly, being in a constantly tense environment.  In college, with no parents around, I didn't have them breathing down my neck.  I could try things, and they couldn't say no.  So I kept trying things, many things that I never got to try growing up.  I even tried all the sugary snacks I saw but didn't get growing up.  And now sugar just makes me crash with no rush, so I don't need anymore sugar, haha.

 

There's a reason why I flipped a switch and went from lawful good to chaotic good.

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Fluffy Femme Guy
On 9/27/2019 at 6:51 PM, nerdperson777 said:

Most importantly, don't feel about how to do it, just do it.  It doesn't matter if you like it or not, you have to do it anyway.

I had some elementary school teachers like this.

 

On 9/27/2019 at 6:51 PM, nerdperson777 said:

Do what they say, and I'll have a successful life.  Simple.  Except I would do all of it and then "no it's wrong" even if I did exactly what they said.

Same. My mother is well-meaning, but she's very perfectionist when it came to schoolwork.
The nitpicky criticism was intended to motivate me to 'git gud', but it just crushed me instead.
My mind was so caught up in trying to do my schoolwork perfectly in a vain hope to appease her that I could barely learn anything.

I recently figured out I'm autistic and that it's present in both sides of my family.

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anisotrophic

Hm. I don't think I'm jealous of people transitioning younger. I mean... I sort of wish I'd done it sooner. A relief to start hormonal transition.

 

But I'm also glad I gave birth to kids. hm. Actually... I guess there's not much else about being female that I have fond memories of. Hated it.  And I'm not even sure pregnancy/birth/nursing is "fond" but they're experiences I'm glad I had.

 

And with T I'm getting more relaxed about femininity, starting to think I might like being female sometimes.

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nerdperson777
On 10/2/2019 at 9:31 AM, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

I had some elementary school teachers like this.

 

Same. My mother is well-meaning, but she's very perfectionist when it came to schoolwork.
The nitpicky criticism was intended to motivate me to 'git gud', but it just crushed me instead.
My mind was so caught up in trying to do my schoolwork perfectly in a vain hope to appease her that I could barely learn anything.

I recently figured out I'm autistic and that it's present in both sides of my family.

My mom now tells me that the times that she told me about other people's kids' achievements was so that I would try to be better than them.  Really?  I interpreted as "you suck and you'll never amount to anything so don't even try".

 

I think my dad's autistic and my mom has to be some sort of ND.  Out of the three of us, I must be the most in tune with what people think, which still isn't a lot.  They piss off so many people (especially my mom).  She's always trying to argue her point, even if it doesn't matter at all.  It's always "a matter of principle".  My dad likes to call this one restaurant "next to [other restaurant we frequent]".  I feel like he does that to tick me off because it's not next to it, it's actually like 3-5 businesses down.  I try not to assume so then we get there and he actually does mean that place.  Then I "should've known".  Sorry, I'm not a mind reader.

 

3 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

And with T I'm getting more relaxed about femininity, starting to think I might like being female sometimes.

I'm currently contemplating minor crossdressing.  I kind of want to get a long hair wig and act like a girl, but I don't think I would ever wear girl clothes.  I may have a place to put the acting to use so I might be able to pretend to be a girl in one of the short stories.

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Life Of Tass
3 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

And with T I'm getting more relaxed about femininity, starting to think I might like being female sometimes.

That's actually something I've been talking about with an IRL friend who happens to be a pre-everything trans guy. We both agree that if we were automatically perceived as masculine, we'd feel more comfortable with playing with makeup or painting our nails an unusual colour or even wearing an article of clothing that's traditionally perceived as feminine. He often tells me that when he goes on T, he'll regularly wear extravagant stage makeup in public, as he's found that he really likes wearing extravagant makeup but he doesn't feel comfortable doing so right now, because he might be seen as a girl. In general, I think we both really want to do something that would be seen as "presenting femme", but not really associated with beauty, rather, with extravagance and/or "so bad it's good"ness.

 

Now, I'm a bit of a different case, as in I'm agender, my presentation is masc-leaning androgynous and I want people to look at me and go "What the hell is that" in regards to my gender. I generally feel very happy about the way I look now (I have a naturally androgynous face and if you look closely you can see my 'stache, something I was terribly unhappy about when I thought I was cis but am ecstatic about now that I know I'm not), and I have decided that I won't go on T or have any surgery because in my case, the downsides outweigh the benefits. Well, the other day I went to the mall and bought a sports bra and then thought I'd take the leap and bought two little bottles (?) of nail polish. One's a beautiful shade of bright purple and the other is a beautifully obnoxious shade of dark green. Long story short, I now have obnoxiously green nails and, to be honest, it's not dysphoria-inducing at all! It's not something I'd like to wear every day of my life, but hey, at least I know that if I ever want to have obnoxiously green nails, the nail polish is right there.

 

Now I remembered what profile pic I have and thought of Rasputin with my shade of nail polish. Grigori, we'd both look obnoxiously fabulous!

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