TransWhatevers of AVEN

[Calligraphette_Coe]

6 hours ago, daveb said:

In response to the above I agree with @Emery.

 

Guys are no less masculine for not wanting sex or for preferring cuddling. Maybe it's not the norm, but that doesn't invalidate one's masculinity.

As for wearing skirts or dresses, it's not hard to find lots of pictures of guys doing that, and not just feminine or androgynous guys, but even masculine ones. Again, sure it's not the norm, but I don't care. Then again, if you don't want to wear skirts or dresses and feel better in a suit, that's great, too. As my mom likes to say, "it's all good".

I don't even own a suit or sports jacket, and all my ties have been turned into headbands. I used to hate Sundays growing up in Fundy country, it meant putting on the noose and the wrong 'Sunday Best' duds. I think I've terminated with prejudice every picture of me in one except for my graduation picture where I had the beginning of long hair.

 

::::sighs:::: I keep thinking I'm going to leave AVEN because it often feels painful to be here as an untransitionable androgynous person. But then I hear people who are navigating some one the worst psychological whirlpools and rapids, and think "you have to say something, to do the right thing and help where there was no help for you when you were in those shoes."

 

I just don't think I know how to get happy sometimes.....

[binary suns]

Idk I wonder the same thing, why am I so damaged. 

 

days like these I refrain from posting if I can. I’ll only bully myself with them and I think it makes people uncomfortable. 

 

Besides if if I let myself do it I’ll just say worse and worse things until I say unbelievable things and don’t stop them. 

 

 

I just just need to wait it out.

[daveb]

3 hours ago, Calligraphette_Coe said:

I just don't think I know how to get happy sometimes.....

I hope you can get happy sometimes. You deserve it.

And your input and insights are very valuable here.

[:)(:]

3 hours ago, Calligraphette_Coe said:

I don't even own a suit or sports jacket, and all my ties have been turned into headbands. I used to hate Sundays growing up in Fundy country, it meant putting on the noose and the wrong 'Sunday Best' duds. I think I've terminated with prejudice every picture of me in one except for my graduation picture where I had the beginning of long hair.

 

::::sighs:::: I keep thinking I'm going to leave AVEN because it often feels painful to be here as an untransitionable androgynous person. But then I hear people who are navigating some one the worst psychological whirlpools and rapids, and think "you have to say something, to do the right thing and help where there was no help for you when you were in those shoes."

 

I just don't think I know how to get happy sometimes.....

Yep I remover you were text sparing with SOMEONE quite dearly and I think you deserve to be happy b/c you were on the right side and seem like a good person 

 

SORRY SPELLING

Edited March 20, 2018 by :)(:

[SkyWorld]

Whew, I swear I get so worked up on shot day. I even thought “gel may be more expensive, but maybe it’s worth it rather than shooting yourself with a needle”. And yet when it happens, I remember how it’s really not that bad...

 

Any recommendations on places on your thigh that may hurt less than other spots? A couple times, after about 12 hours, I’d be limping because moving my muscles so much is really uncomofrtable.

 

On panic attacks—I had my first panic attack several years ago. It was horrible. I was under anesthesia for wisdom teeth surgery. When I woke up, I thought that I was suffocating and couldn’t breathe. But apparently there wasn’t anything in my throat and it was just numb. I question if I was “exaggerating” at first and I still question if that was really a “near death” experience or not. I legitimately thought I was going to suffocate to death and was trying to get help. I could still technically talk though, kind of, but it was hard through the short breaths. I could even hear the heart monitor beeping fast as my heart was racing.

 

I wonder if it was the anesthesia... It does worry me about doing any future surgery(ies) and waking up with a panic attack. Or maybe it was just that specific procedure with my mouth which made me start to feel like I was suffocating? I don’t know.

[:)(:]

4 minutes ago, SkyWorld said:

gel may be more expensive

They gel is also not annoying because you can’t get wet for a while and you can’t touch people and have to be wary of it. 

 

I read about bout it a bit so remember that  it’s not all that great 😗

[SkyWorld]

16 minutes ago, :)(: said:

They gel is also not annoying because you can’t get wet for a while and you can’t touch people and have to be wary of it. 

 

I read about bout it a bit so remember that  it’s not all that great 😗

Ah interesting. I haven’t done much research on gel compared to injections (since it’s more common and cheaper, typically sticking with what I can afford).

 

Speaking of so, I need to search for any pharmacy coupons I could use for testosterone and save more money. One of the employees brought that up to me when I got my refill. I really appreciate how they tried to help me out. I just really appreciate whenever an employee would just go out of their way to help me when they don’t necessarily need to. It seriously makes my day.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

7 hours ago, daveb said:

I hope you can get happy sometimes. You deserve it.

And your input and insights are very valuable here.

It's just that sometimes I feel like a mountain goat navigating the treacherous passages in the rarified air of the High Sierra. I know this is where I belong, but it's soooo cooold sometimes. But then when I go off the mountain, it feels like the predators always chase me back up here where it's safe.

 

What's a mountain goat without her mountain?

 

It's been like that professionally, too. Every time they try to make me a Suit, I screw it up by looking Stoopid in one and they banish me back to the Mountain  to get the warp drive back online so that the wannabe Capt Kirks can get it smashed yet again. At least they see as a Mountain Goat they kinda need but keep hidden, and at least I'm making more money than I did as a demiSuit.

 

I just read an article in Psychology Today (which I buy at the bookstore all the time, some place I go twice a week because that feels like a mountain, too) about how being alone can be hazardous to your health. Sheesh, some of us have been alone forever and survived it, and I think..... yep, The Mountain. Or is it the Desert? I forget sometimes. 

 

And then I read this and almost lost it:

 

"People look at a home's closets and kitchens, but what they need to look at is where people gather in the neighborhood." And I think of this thread in this forum, and it's like I'm Dorothy tapping the ruby slippers. Or a song on a Celtic Woman album:

 

Quote

And if there's gonna be a life here after,
And faith somehow I'm sure there's gonna be,
I will ask my God to let me make my Heaven,
In that dear land across the Irish sea.

 

So here's to the High Sierras in spring, mountain goats, Galway Bay and the Isle of Transwhatevers seeking the connections that are the silver laces of the ties that bind.

[Emery.]

I encountered this notion in psychotherapy that "you should be with others". But what if others mock you? What if "others" are not decent or clever human beings? Stay with them regardless? Even if they are toxic? Is that really good for mental health? Don't think so. Loneliness is a pain, but I think toxic people are worse. Or comaparably bad. We should really ask the question who those others are.

[hayden01]

i get what all of you are trying say...but i don't think were alone because we chose too, and also not because we had too

 

maybe just some of us are more aware that others, i don't think it's necessarily because we're different (everyone is different in their own way) but perhaps the difference is, were just more aware! yes loneliness is pain, but in our world you're never alone! a book you might be reading, is written by someone else for you! not specifically but you get the idea!  

[binary suns]

The important thing about toxicity is to find space that ain’t. And not give up. Keep trying. But if you keep seeing toxicity, to remember to then check yourself, for personality faults attract toxicity.

 

 

Especially people who grew up with toxicity, we humans all can become paranoid and jump down people’s throats thinking they were toxic but they weren’t.

 

 I heard it well said this way - it’s good to build up thick skin because if you can’t face adversity you won’t accomplish your goals. The challenges you want to overcome aren’t necessarily toxic people, but when you’re noticed you’ll get criticism and so being strong against criticism whether it’s healthy critic or toxic trolling, it’ll be good to build that strength. Getting sensitive to criticism will distract you from the challenges you do want to overcome... and some of the skill is directly transferrable between the two. 

 

 

 

 

You’ll encounter angry or defensive people in your life, but you’ll also encounter discussion from someone who cares about you trying to broaden the topic through counterpoint. It was said that when corrected, a fool will hate you but a wise one will love you. Look for opportunities to learn.  But it’ll be important to learn how to tell the difference between supportive disagreement, and rude hostility — because if we can’t — everything will trigger us and leave us so vulnerable and paranoid. And with the rude hostility — we need to build our own confidence, our faith in ourselves, our ability to ignore useless accusations; as they are at best, biased by emotion; and at worst, outright lies. 

 

So it’s both inportant: to gain an ability to laugh off hostility, and ignore it; to be humble, open to learning and thankful for corrections; and to work on our skill to notice the difference between those two forms of criticism.

 

 

Sometimes somebody’s saying has a little of both. Sometimes what’s said is useless but self reflection will help us estimate why we rubbed the person the wrong way. It ain’t your fault you were attacked always remember that — but when conflict comes your way, if you never look for something you can learn some way you could’ve reacted differently, you’ll always be hurt and defeated by conflict.  

 

 

And once once you have thick skin to ignore hostility — you’ll only find conflict that is a useful tool for growth and pursuing your goals. 

[binary suns]

There s a reason they say trans folk are some of the most courageous people to find in this world  

[Mezzo Forte]

12 hours ago, SkyWorld said:

Whew, I swear I get so worked up on shot day. I even thought “gel may be more expensive, but maybe it’s worth it rather than shooting yourself with a needle”. And yet when it happens, I remember how it’s really not that bad...

 

Any recommendations on places on your thigh that may hurt less than other spots? A couple times, after about 12 hours, I’d be limping because moving my muscles so much is really uncomofrtable

Can't say I've really researched what impacts how much muscle soreness you experience, but I know that the best places to inject are usually the meatiest parts of the thigh. I think my nurse used to suggest aiming somewhere between one hand's length away from the hips and one hand's length above the knee. 

 

Also, I can't say for sure, but I think tension in the legs makes knots after the shot more noticeable. I actually sometimes give my thigh a gentle massage before the shot to relax the muscles, and I sometimes mimic my mother's injection methods by actually massaging the injection site after the shot too, as she claims that it helps disperse the testosterone away from the site faster. Some people will hold the testosterone vial in their armpits for a few minutes before drawing up the needle, as apparently warmer T injects easier. Also, cold outside temperatures will inevitably make knots from IM shots more noticeable, so there are other facts that may not be 100% in your control.

 

That said, I really haven't research any of this, so I can't speak for the validity of any of these methods. Perhaps if IM proves to be an issue, you can try switching to subcutaneous injection if your insurance covers that. Perhaps gels will be an option for you in the future as well. I'm planning on seriously exploring the subcutaneous pellet method in the near future because if I respond well to that method, it will make extended travel so much simpler.

[Kimmie.]

I really looking forward to the spring when i finally can go out dress more as my real self. I am planing to do it in the woods just to start with.

Well I have to walk to the car but that is such a short distance so I am sure i will be okay. 

 

I really need this for my self esteem and self worth. 

[Emery.]

I'm sick, no therapy this week... dammit. Good night *yawn* This flu makes me want to sleep all the time. 

[Kimmie.]

12 minutes ago, Emery. said:

I'm sick, no therapy this week... dammit. Good night *yawn* This flu makes me want to sleep all the time. 

Sorry about that 

Is a *hug* okay? 

 

[Emery.]

17 minutes ago, Kimmie. said:

Sorry about that 

Is a *hug* okay? 

 

Thanks Kimmie

[butterflydreams]

2 hours ago, Kimmie. said:

I really looking forward to the spring when i finally can go out dress more as my real self. I am planing to do it in the woods just to start with.

Well I have to walk to the car but that is such a short distance so I am sure i will be okay. 

 

I really need this for my self esteem and self worth. 

I used to dress myself in the car and then drive around that way. You could do that too. Though I’ll never forget how liberating it was to not have to change back in the car before I got home.

[binary suns]

Sleep well, heal quickly @Emery. 🙂

[SkyWorld]

11 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Can't say I've really researched what impacts how much muscle soreness you experience, but I know that the best places to inject are usually the meatiest parts of the thigh. I think my nurse used to suggest aiming somewhere between one hand's length away from the hips and one hand's length above the knee. 

 

Also, I can't say for sure, but I think tension in the legs makes knots after the shot more noticeable. I actually sometimes give my thigh a gentle massage before the shot to relax the muscles, and I sometimes mimic my mother's injection methods by actually massaging the injection site after the shot too, as she claims that it helps disperse the testosterone away from the site faster. Some people will hold the testosterone vial in their armpits for a few minutes before drawing up the needle, as apparently warmer T injects easier. Also, cold outside temperatures will inevitably make knots from IM shots more noticeable, so there are other facts that may not be 100% in your control.

I shot a little further up my thigh (further away from the knee) and so far it doesn’t hurt so much where I’m limping. :’D That’s the sweet spot!

 

Those are some interesting tips, I’ll give those a try. I’d be afraid of putting the vial under my arms because I’m clumsy and it might fall and break.

[Mezzo Forte]

1 minute ago, SkyWorld said:

I shot a little further up my thigh (further away from the knee) and so far it doesn’t hurt so much where I’m limping. :’D That’s the sweet spot!

 

Those are some interesting tips, I’ll give those a try. I’d be afraid of putting the vial under my arms because I’m clumsy and it might fall and break.

Glad it helped! and Honestly, I get that fear because I've pulled that exact stunt. Luckily, the vial didn't break when it hit my bathroom floor. Maybe try that method over carpet, just in case!

[SkyWorld]

1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Glad it helped! and Honestly, I get that fear because I've pulled that exact stunt. Luckily, the vial didn't break when it hit my bathroom floor. Maybe try that method over carpet, just in case!

Oh right, I do have some bathroom mats. But still, I’d be too nervous to do that. 

[:)(:]

58 minutes ago, SkyWorld said:

Oh right, I do have some bathroom mats. But still, I’d be too nervous to do that. 

Tie it to your wrist ??

[SkyWorld]

1 hour ago, :)(: said:

Tie it to your wrist ??

Hm? Tie what to my wrist?

[nerdperson777]

I think :)(: means the vial.  But I think my idea of leaving in the bathroom while showering is the safest.  Well, my bathroom has the shower so it's basically the same room.  Put your vial near where you shower so the heat can warm it up.

[SeeYa]

@SkyWorld I envy your bravery... I could not face a needle... my knees go weak just thinking about it...

@Kimmie. Spring is soon though right? Progress is upon you!!! \OuO/

[Kimmie.]

14 minutes ago, StomachGod said:

@Kimmie. Spring is soon though right? Progress is upon you!!! \OuO/

You would thought so, but the weather decided to give us the middle finger so the spring is  postpone a month.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

22 hours ago, Emery. said:

I encountered this notion in psychotherapy that "you should be with others". But what if others mock you? What if "others" are not decent or clever human beings? Stay with them regardless? Even if they are toxic? Is that really good for mental health? Don't think so. Loneliness is a pain, but I think toxic people are worse. Or comaparably bad. We should really ask the question who those others are.

That, and there is no place more lonely than the closet, but for some of us, we are afforded no other choice by a majority that says all manner of evil against us. In the face of that, I'd say "Give me  the liberty of aloneness or give me death".

 

It's so painful to try to do your job when you hear co-workers do the 'special snowflake' shitshow and mock transpeople endlessly. Yet, you have to pull your aloneness like armor about you to go on, especially when you skirt the edges like I do. But who is going to tell them that they are making it impossible for us NOT to be alone?

 

Sometimes I just want to tell psychologists, "You know, there is a maxim in the law that says 'Those who seem equity must DO equity', and  " She who comes to equity must come with clean hands." So when you have people like Paul McHugh, shouldn't it be "Those who hawk empathy must DO empathy."

 

And what about the people that say "I'm sorry you had such a shitty life, but......." ? Isn't that more about _them_ than about you?

[SeeYa]

37 minutes ago, Kimmie. said:

You would thought so, but the weather decided to give us the middle finger so the spring is  postpone a month.

A month is preparation time!!! \OuO/
Prepare for much frolicking in awesome clothes!!!

[Kimmie.]

26 minutes ago, StomachGod said:

A month is preparation time!!! \OuO/
Prepare for much frolicking in awesome clothes!!!

I like your attitude