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7 minutes ago, Phoenix the II said:

TFW you call a shop, and get. "This lady is calling and... she wants to..." 

 

 

Was you could a she? In that case, thats awesome.  I have only been could she in email. Because people assume that I am girl because of my name. I don't complain. The first time it happened was the first time I started to question my gender, because it feelt a bit to nice. 

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21 minutes ago, Phoenix the II said:

Huh?

I mean did the shop say that you are a women?

 

(stupid english) i am just stupid again.

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1 minute ago, Phoenix the II said:

Yea, they called me so :) I did say hi with my new name though :P 

That is so great! and that you are using your real name too!!

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butterflydreams

So I’m wondering if it’s worth it to come out to someone. I feel like I attempted to start this new life where no one knew about my past. Didn’t know me as anything other than who I am now. But I carpool with a woman at work and we chat on the drive in. I consider us to be pretty chummy and I’m wondering if I should come out to her. She’d definitely be ok with it. I assume she already knows, but sometimes she says things that make me think she doesn’t know. I know I wanted to be stealth, but I just don’t think that’s a reality right now. I need to give it more time.

 

Should I come out to her? Or is it too personal a thing to share? And what if she really didn’t already know?

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1 hour ago, butterflydreams said:

So I’m wondering if it’s worth it to come out to someone. I feel like I attempted to start this new life where no one knew about my past. Didn’t know me as anything other than who I am now. But I carpool with a woman at work and we chat on the drive in. I consider us to be pretty chummy and I’m wondering if I should come out to her. She’d definitely be ok with it. I assume she already knows, but sometimes she says things that make me think she doesn’t know. I know I wanted to be stealth, but I just don’t think that’s a reality right now. I need to give it more time.

 

Should I come out to her? Or is it too personal a thing to share? And what if she really didn’t already know?

You could casually bring up the subject and see how it goes before coming out so at least you have a good idea on where she stands towards transsexuality. (I looked up the term transsexuality and i’m not sure if it’s the right one, my apologies if it isn’t as i obviously can’t english today :) 

 

2 hours ago, Phoenix the II said:

Yea, they called me so :) I did say hi with my new name though :P 

Yay! I’m glad it worked out that well for you :) 

 

 

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butterflydreams
8 minutes ago, Jayce said:

 

You could casually bring up the subject and see how it goes before coming out so at least you have a good idea on where she stands towards transsexuality. (I looked up the term transsexuality and i’m not sure if it’s the right one, my apologies if it isn’t as i obviously can’t english today :) 

I wouldn’t even be considering telling her if I didn’t already think she’d respond positively. I guess I just feel like among friends (I consider her a friend), I don’t like having this secret.

 

I’m very conficted about being stealth. On the one hand, I don’t want to out myself if it’s not necessary. On the other hand, this is a huge part of who I am. Honestly, I think there’s a place to be found in between deep stealth and “super trans pride shout from the rooftops”. That’s where I want to be. I don’t want to hide what I am, but I don’t want to be shouting it from the rooftops either. 


There was one coworker not too long ago, who I eventually told in private. I think she already knew, but it felt good to say it out loud to her. I felt relieved honestly. Being deep stealth is hard. You really do have to cut ties with things from your past, and I’m just not comfortable doing that.

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2 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

I wouldn’t even be considering telling her if I didn’t already think she’d respond positively. I guess I just feel like among friends (I consider her a friend), I don’t like having this secret.

 

I’m very conficted about being stealth. On the one hand, I don’t want to out myself if it’s not necessary. On the other hand, this is a huge part of who I am. Honestly, I think there’s a place to be found in between deep stealth and “super trans pride shout from the rooftops”. That’s where I want to be. I don’t want to hide what I am, but I don’t want to be shouting it from the rooftops either. 


There was one coworker not too long ago, who I eventually told in private. I think she already knew, but it felt good to say it out loud to her. I felt relieved honestly. Being deep stealth is hard. You really do have to cut ties with things from your past, and I’m just not comfortable doing that.


I know how you feel about that conflict over stealth. Even as someone getting involved in trans advocacy, sometimes, there's something interesting about being stealth, but sometimes, I just don't feel like hiding it. Heck, I recently ended up strongly implying that I'm trans to a random student because we were talking about music therapy and it was relevant to one of the proposals I submitted for the Philly Trans Wellness Conference. 

 

What I've found is that I prefer to use nonchalance and subtlety if I choose to come out. My growing research and newfound position as a trans advocate kind of gives me a way to gauge how people will react beforehand if they ever ask about my research, but even then, I usually approach that topic with caution. Honestly, I don't think I could handle the dramatics of anything more intense than my more nonchalant methods of coming out; it'd make me too anxious to say anything.

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butterflydreams
25 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

it'd make me too anxious to say anything.

This is ultimately what happened. I didn't bring it up on the ride home, though I did have an opportunity to do so. I chickened out because I thought it would be too direct. She asked me what I was doing this weekend, and I said I was going to a game night tonight. What I didn't include (even when she prodded) was that this game night is a trans game night at the pride center.

 

So maybe next week I'll bring it up. Maybe I'll feel more confident to do so if I'm the one driving.

 

Ultimately though, I think I learned that I don't mind if friends know I'm trans. Even friends I've met after transition. That's a level of stealth I'm not comfortable with.

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AwkwardAxolotl

I've been updating my resume, because it's past time for me to move on from my current job, and I was doing okay, wading through papers, trying to figure out what was still relevant and what wasn't, and then I came across my first publication. It's under my birthname. I haven't felt this dysphoric in years. Now I don't know what to put on my resume. There's pretty stiff competition for the position I want, so I need all of my publications listed, but I don't want to have to put that name on my resume.

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999papercranes

I came across this article

http://www.jahonline.org/article/S1054-139X(16)30765-0/fulltext

Unfortunately the study has been formulated by those who are gender-critical (think transition in dysphoric trans people is “poisoning” and “disfiguring” and call trans men “dysphoric women” and vice versa) ...but when I read it it gave me a little bit of hope. That maybe I’m making this all up and I’m really cis after all... because I fit all the criteria. 

-White

-Biologically Female

-Gender-Questioning at 15 years of age

-Dysphoria developed at puberty 

 

However I think the fact that I felt hope instead of offense at this study kind of speaks for itself <_<

 

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butterflydreams

Sorry to hear that, @Finn. The same thing happens to me when I call my parents. 

 

I'm sitting here watching a video clip from Joe Rogan's podcast where he interviews Steven Crowder about the little stunt he pulled at the pride center I go to. The whole event itself was despicable. The people there at the event were being genuine and honest about things and Crowder was just crashing it because he doesn't believe in it. He took full advantage of the situation in the worst way. But the podcast interview is just brutal. There is such a damn fascination with "cutting off your dick". I don't get it. It's so mind-numbingly frustrating to hear it again and again. I sometimes honestly wish dysphoria on these people. And I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But just so they could know how much it hurts. The focus on "cutting off your dick" though...will it never end? God it's so annoying. Do these people have any concept of how much there is to transition besides that? No, they don't, which is why they're always talking out of their asses.

 

The video clip for anyone curious:

Spoiler

 

 

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@butterflydreams it seems to be the same shit I hear from some women, that only someone born with a vigina are allowed to call themself a women. And anyone that think something else hates women apparently. 

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As for the gender-critical people, radfems, childish adult men, and so forth... I think it's not all so black and white. They paint it as if it was. As if you either transitioned all the way or were the gender your bits are... but it's a bit more complicated. In all that, I'm glad trans kids were not as trendy when I hit puberty, because there is a possibility I would have transitioned all the way and would have been infertile for life now. I'm happy I haven't transitioned at that age. Like Ruby Rose. Moreover, I think dealing with gender required certain maturity from me. Certain readiness to face others' negative opinions. 

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Yeah that about standing up for oneself is something i really need to work at. 

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butterflydreams
25 minutes ago, Kimmie. said:

Yeah that about standing up for oneself is really something I need to work at. 

It takes time. With gender things, doubly so. Because think of all the messages you get that what you are is bullshit, or not real, or whatever. It's taken me 3+ years to get to the point where I can even somewhat confidently assert, "Hey, I'm a woman. I am female." And I'm still not super confident asserting that, but I just keep saying it, and friends keep telling me it too. It'll come easier with time and reinforcement. 

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3 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

It's taken me 3+ years to get to the point where I can even somewhat confidently assert, "Hey, I'm a woman. I am female." And I'm still not super confident asserting that, but I just keep saying it, and friends keep telling me it too. It'll come easier with time and reinforcement. 

I understand this so so much (but you know, from the male version). 

For me it's been a bit less time but hopefully it will get better the more we tell it to ourselves and others recognize it too, and just with time.

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Calligraphette_Coe
4 hours ago, Emery. said:

As for the gender-critical people, radfems, childish adult men, and so forth... I think it's not all so black and white. They paint it as if it was. As if you either transitioned all the way or were the gender your bits are... but it's a bit more complicated. In all that, I'm glad trans kids were not as trendy when I hit puberty, because there is a possibility I would have transitioned all the way and would have been infertile for life now. I'm happy I haven't transitioned at that age. Like Ruby Rose. Moreover, I think dealing with gender required certain maturity from me. Certain readiness to face others' negative opinions. 

I'm forever saddened that the world seems to run on insane dichotomies, each with their own prison bars.  So often, it seems to me, that when the male/female dichotomy vis-a-vis transgenderism sets up its tent, things become like beta decay of elements and you get an isotope of God Vs Evil with a few emotional positrons flung off at high speed.

 

I felt victimized by that model sometimes, and when I went to hide myself and lick my wounds, I often thought of this passage from Gibran's The Prophet"

 

Quote

You are good when you are one with yourself.

Yet when you are not one with yourself you are not evil.

For a divided house is not a den of thieves; it is only a divided house.

And a ship without rudder may wander aimlessly among perilous isles yet sink not
to the bottom.

You are good when you strive to give of yourself.

Yet you are not evil when you seek gain for yourself.

For when you strive for gain you are but a root that clings to the earth and
sucks at her breast.

Surely the fruit cannot say to the root, "Be like me, ripe and full and
ever giving of your abundance."

For to the fruit giving is a need, as receiving is a need to the root.

You are good when you are fully awake in your speech,

Yet you are not evil when you sleep while your tongue staggers without purpose.

And even stumbling speech may strengthen a weak tongue.

You are good when you walk to your goal firmly and with bold steps.

Yet you are not evil when you go thither limping.

Even those who limp go not backward.

But you who are strong and swift, see that you do not limp before the lame,
deeming it kindness.

You are good in countless ways, and you are not evil when you are not good,

You are only loitering and sluggard.

Pity that the stags cannot teach swiftness to the turtles.

In your longing for your giant self lies your goodness: and that longing is
in all of you.

But in some of you that longing is a torrent rushing with might to the sea,
carrying the secrets of the hillsides and the songs of the forest.

And in others it is a flat stream that loses itself in angles and bends and
lingers before it reaches the shore.

But let not him who longs much say to him who longs little, "Wherefore are
you slow and halting?"

For the truly good ask not the naked, "Where is your garment?" nor
the houseless, "What has befallen your house?"

 

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butterflydreams

So I kinda feel like I need to ask a bit of a TMI kind of question. But I don't know how to do so here. Should I ask here and spoiler it in this thread? Start a new thread?

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43 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

So I kinda feel like I need to ask a bit of a TMI kind of question. But I don't know how to do so here. Should I ask here and spoiler it in this thread? Start a new thread?

Hmm maybe start a new thread if it's a very specific situation and you want more people to notice it? 

But I wouldn't mind seeing something TMI here in a spoiler at all. 

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2 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

So I kinda feel like I need to ask a bit of a TMI kind of question. But I don't know how to do so here. Should I ask here and spoiler it in this thread? Start a new thread?

Seconding Starbogen

 

also

8 hours ago, Jayce said:

I’m 36 and i still need to work on that one

U WOT

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Ok, so today I went to LUSH Cosmetics because they’re selling a special bath melt to raise money for trans charities (100% of the profits go to it). I bought one, of course :D

Inner-TRUTH-BATH-MELT-LUSH.jpg

 

Also, they have a special body lotion that they’re selling to support a variety of grassroots charities (you pick the lotion with the sticker on the lid of the particular charity- they all smell the same- and it goes to that one) and there were two for LGBTQ support! (One was about homeless youth, and the other was Trans Latinas)

 

i also got a face mask but that’s not relevant

-w-

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butterflydreams

I am feeling so damn dysphoric about my voice today...ugh

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Rapid onset gender dysphoria, they say... I had a gut feeling about a certain pattern I see in some people.

 

By the way, it would be interesting to see studies of transmasculine people who are less like the traditional masculine straight trans man who came out as a toddler. This is the only thing hey describe in papers. 

 

Ugh. I want to talk with my therapist but she's on holiday. Why does she need to leave exactly when I have a break and have time for such things? I want to discuss some gender stuff in flesh. I just really want to talk about the very first questions again.

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3 hours ago, Emery. said:

By the way, it would be interesting to see studies of transmasculine people who are less like the traditional masculine straight trans man who came out as a toddler. This is the only thing hey describe in papers. 

Yeah, I feel like I'm less valid because I'm more recently figuring out my identity. I wish I always knew I'm a boy, then I wouldn't have to prove myself as one after going through female puberty. I could've prevented it. Being seen as a boy/ called he/him feels amazing but I'm afraid it's invalid because a year ago I was indifferent to all of it. I've know for a few years now that I'm not a girl, but I didn't care because nothing mattered. I thought I was inbetween because I didn't care. I liked it when people saw me as a guy/not a girl but I didn't see a point in changing anything. I thought gender didn't matter and that I only disliked my parts because they're inconvenient. Then I turned 18 and was called a woman by everyone and it felt really wrong. And then I joined this site. And started college. And now I'm partially out. But it still feels like it doesn't count. I am happier being out(ish), but it feels like it's not real.

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1 hour ago, Lirpaderp said:

Yeah, I feel like I'm less valid because I'm more recently figuring out my identity. I wish I always knew I'm a boy, then I wouldn't have to prove myself as one after going through female puberty. I could've prevented it. Being seen as a boy/ called he/him feels amazing but I'm afraid it's invalid because a year ago I was indifferent to all of it. I've know for a few years now that I'm not a girl, but I didn't care because nothing mattered. I thought I was inbetween because I didn't care. I liked it when people saw me as a guy/not a girl but I didn't see a point in changing anything. I thought gender didn't matter and that I only disliked my parts because they're inconvenient. Then I turned 18 and was called a woman by everyone and it felt really wrong. And then I joined this site. And started college. And now I'm partially out. But it still feels like it doesn't count. I am happier being out(ish), but it feels like it's not real.

Sometimes, that sort of indifference is just a coping mechanism. I didn't come out to myself until I was 22, and while I can look back and identify potential moments of dysphoria from at least back to puberty, those moments didn't really feel like "signs" during my questioning process. Signs are too easy to dismiss. I don't think I started recognizing dysphoria until my 20s when my chest hit past a certain threshold, and the forced awareness of my chest dysphoria made everything else slowly dawn on me.

 

Fun fact: My posture was really good as a pre-teen, but all that posture went out the window once my chest started growing. I had that transmasculine slump long before I knew what it was :lol:

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I have been less dyshoric this weekend which is nice, but stressful in the sametime.

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