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butterflydreams
15 hours ago, 999papercranes said:

That’s in two whole years. How can I ever wait that long? What if I can’t make it?

You can make it, and you will make it. I can’t recommend that it’s healthy in the long term, because it’s not, but there are lots of short term coping mechanisms you can use. I removed all the mirrors from my apartment for years. You can get really busy with schooolwork and hobbies. I drowned myself in that stuff when I was your age. It’s all I worked for, cared about or thought about. It wasn’t until I got out of school that the dysphoria really started coming back, because I couldn’t pour myself into my work in the same way anymore. But by then I was old enough and independent enough to do something about it. You’ll have a jump on me because you already know what you want.

 

Stay strong, you can do it. *hugs*

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My self-hatred is starting to rise again. Why was I born with this stupid body!??

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15 hours ago, 999papercranes said:

It’s my first day back after break... I expected to feel worse, but it all went pretty well until the last part of the day where our History teacher was assigning us roles and looked straight at me and said “You’re a female.” Bleh... It was stupid, but it’s been stuck in my mind. I wish I wasn’t so sensitive. 

 

I keep on thinking about T and top surgery. I was very hesitant about T but as my dysphoria’s gotten worse it’s become more appealing. I didn’t like the thought of bottom growth/hair growth/increased libido, etc., but I’m at the point where none of that really matters to me any more. I’d be willing to take all of that if it means not wanting to cry every night, feeling like a stranger to myself. 

The problem is, it’s all futile. I won’t be able to go on T or get top surgery until I’m eighteen. That’s in two whole years. How can I ever wait that long? What if I can’t make it?

Two years is a painful wait, but maybe you use that time to make preliminary steps? If you're looking into college/university, maybe see if you can go somewhere that has trans-friendly insurance. Maybe ask if the counseling centers at your potential college choices can write therapist letters for HRT/surgery. Some university healthcare centers can oversee your HRT as well. You can also start setting aside money if you haven't already and treat that as progress toward transition too. 

 

You can get through this, and you will be able to transition. This time spent waiting will make you feel that much more certain about the steps you want to take, not to mention have a clearer plan for your transition path. The waiting sucks, but I believe in you, and I hope the time flies by :) 

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butterflydreams
2 hours ago, Kimmie. said:

My self-hatred is starting to rise again. Why was I born with this stupid body!??

*hugs* Kimmie, know that it’s ok to have these feelings, ok? 

 

Is the only way to find out if my insurance covers GCS really to call them? Ugh. 

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2 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Is the only way to find out if my insurance covers GCS really to call them? Ugh. 

And insurance companies are slipperier than hagfish. (never gonna touch one of those again)

Do I mean insurance companies, or hagfish? The world may never know... :P

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butterflydreams

I’m really afraid to 1) call them at all, and 2) find out that they don’t cover it. I thought I lived in a state where it was required to cover transgender related care, but a document I found seems to show that they can have categorical exclusions. I’m so confused.

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Call them. If you don't, then you'll end up insurance-less there no matter their policies, whereas if you call them, they could cover it. If they don't cover it, I don't know what to say, see if you can find some loophole or something. I honestly wish I could help more, but my understanding of insurance companies is foggy at best. 

 

Best of luck,

Kailynn

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butterflydreams
1 hour ago, Tortuga said:

Call them. If you don't, then you'll end up insurance-less there no matter their policies, whereas if you call them, they could cover it. If they don't cover it, I don't know what to say, see if you can find some loophole or something. I honestly wish I could help more, but my understanding of insurance companies is foggy at best. 

 

Best of luck,

Kailynn

Thanks. I’m hopeful that they do cover it. If not, it’s possible they’re trying to skirt around the law. My doctor mentioned that one time when I was getting started with HRT, that insurance had to cover it, because it was the law. I read about how 3-4 people in California were denied coverage for their surgeries even though the law is they have to be covered. That’s certainly how I interpret the law myself. Obviously I’d want to make sure things were good before I did anything.

 

It’s interesting reading about various surgeons and how at least two that I found are trans themselves, Marci Bowers and Christine McGinn. I don’t know that that fact sways me one way or another on them. You could’ve had the surgery yourself and still have poor bedside manner, which is important to me. 

 

I can’t believe I’m actually looking into surgery at all. This is a pretty big step for me. Maybe it’ll help give me a reason to work on my issues. It’s likely that regardless of anything, I’d probably end up at the trans health center at boston medical. Because it’s close, and I could recuperate with close trusted friends nearby. It’s unclear to me looking at their website who actually does the procedures, but they do all kinds of stuff there including GCS and FFS too. According to their FAQ, the state of Massachusetts mandated in 2014 that transgender care deemed medically necessary be covered by insurances. That was my understanding as well. Vermont has a similar law, so hopefully I’d be good.

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Alex the Queer

i’m currently very much in a love/hate relationship with my identity. for the first time i’m genuinely starting to become comfortable and ok with the fact that i can’t really label my gender and sexuality as nothing is quite fitting. on the flip side, my anxiety is being a little dick and it and my chest dysphoria are joining forces lately to be an absolute royal pain in my asshole

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999papercranes

I had a dream last night that I had top surgery...

 I was awake for the whole thing, just watching as they slashed open my chest with a knife. But even though it was painful and frankly disturbing, I didn’t feel scared at all. I just felt relief, knowing soon I would feel at peace with myself.

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The-world-is-quiet-here

I have this friend who I’m not super close with, but we went out once and could find a lot of things we related about. Anyways, they messaged me out of the blue, asking if I had considered HRT. They said they’re beginning to become obsessed with the idea of starting HRT. I know they had a consultation for discussing top surgery, but I don’t know what became of that. Anyways, it was cool to know that they trusted me enough to talk about gender things. I hope we can keep talking about it in the future. :) 

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Funny short story- I was in the shower and looking at my feet, but I could see between my legs. I randomly glanced there- and equally randomly, yelled: KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!

Welp, that was weird...

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Calligraphette_Coe
On 1/4/2018 at 12:56 AM, Jayce said:

I really hate these days where i’m doubting myself again. I hate gender issues too :mellow: 

 

I think of our gender dilemmas like the weather and the seasons as facts of life of our annual trip around the Star of Gender. When we are fartherest from it, it's generally cold but other factors are there to mitigate it. And some of us are comfortable being snow birds-- we just pull our cloaks in tighter to keep warm and turn on the air conditioning when it gets too hot to bear. 

 

But it all passes, like seasons in the sun, and we go on with our beautiful little lives in the snow and the sands,  making good where there is mostly barren. C'est la vie, c'est bon.

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butterflydreams

I'd like to do voice therapy, but I don't know where to start to find it. I think it's something worth spending money on, just like face laser. I don't expect anyone here has any experience they'd like to share?

 

I just want to feel like my transition is moving forward. Right now, aside from HRT's constant feminizing pressure, I feel stalled. I can't tell if I look undeniably feminine or not. I've noticed the differences in others who've transitioned seem so obvious to me. Can I just not see the same in myself? Is that all it is?

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butterflydreams
2 minutes ago, Gentle Giant said:

Would a speech therapist help with that, @butterflydreams?

Is that something they do? I don't know, I haven't looked into it too much. 

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Gentle Giant

I don’t know either, but maybe you could talk with one of your doctors to see if they could look into it for you and get a referral.

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swirl_of_blue

I'm so done with people who tell me "honey, you just need to accept yourself the way you are. You can still be a woman without being feminine". Yes, I can grudgingly accept my body and looks and societal role, but I don't think I'll ever be able to feel happy and right. I have to do something if I want to really be myself, and I think the day when I do something concrete is coming closer and closer. I'm going to join a trans group of our local LGBT+ association as soon as they get it going again after the holiday break. I'm going to get myself a binder (even if it will never be enough, not with my shape. Still, if someone knows a good binder manufacturer/shop that ships from Europe send me a message! Paying for customs duty after ordering from the US or Asia is annoying).

 

And one day I am going to have my beard.

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1 hour ago, butterflydreams said:

I'd like to do voice therapy, but I don't know where to start to find it. I think it's something worth spending money on, just like face laser. I don't expect anyone here has any experience they'd like to share?

 

I just want to feel like my transition is moving forward. Right now, aside from HRT's constant feminizing pressure, I feel stalled. I can't tell if I look undeniably feminine or not. I've noticed the differences in others who've transitioned seem so obvious to me. Can I just not see the same in myself? Is that all it is?

Hi Hadley,

 

You may want to take a look at Stef Sanjati's videos on feminizing your voice.  The first one is Voice Training 101 where she talks about pitch, tone, and flow.  The follow up is Voice Training for Trans Girls where she talks about visualization of your voice.  You can practice practice practice on your own until it becomes second nature!

 

As for your second question, another group of people who go through a type of transition are those who change their way of eating, feel better and are able to exercise more, and find the weight drops off and/or they become more toned.  They know their clothes are looser.  They are horrified that their big clothes used to be snug on them and have a hard time remembering that's how they looked compared to now.  Yet when they ask me to go shopping with them, they head immediately to the plus size section.  When I walk them to another section and pull out a pair of slacks or top or coat that would look good on them (if they like it, of course!), they ask why I would select something that won't fit?!  I wouldn't do that, but part of their brain hasn't caught up yet.  Could the same type of thing be happening to you?  You know you don't look the same as you did in college, but your now look hasn't fully made an impression on your brain so that you appreciate the contrast in you that you see in others?  Just a thought.

 

Hope this helps,

Lucinda

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@butterflydreams I agree with everything Lucinda said. I watched at least the first of Stef Sanjati's voice training videos and even though it's different for me as an FTM person and I never really did any consistent voice training just knowing the information she talks about and keeping those things in mind kinda helped me realize how to minimize the femininity in my voice as much as possible without training or hormones. 

You already have a non-masculine voice so with training I'm sure it can be even more feminine.

 

Also, I have no idea what you looked like before but other people can normally spot differences in us before we can, so I guess maybe it's just still too soon for you to notice all the changes even if they're there.

Maybe you could also look for some other trans women's experiences about some step in their transition that felt like a significant change that made them look undeniably female, or at least closer to it than they felt before. I think as trans people we'll probably always feel some doubt about how passable we look (to ourselves, even if we pass 100% and 100% of the time to others) and we'll probably always be able to find "flaws" that must mean we don't look enough like our gender, even if we know there's lots of people (cis and trans) of our gender that have those same features and look undeniably like our gender.

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Calligraphette_Coe
3 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

I'd like to do voice therapy, but I don't know where to start to find it. I think it's something worth spending money on, just like face laser. I don't expect anyone here has any experience they'd like to share?

 

I just want to feel like my transition is moving forward. Right now, aside from HRT's constant feminizing pressure, I feel stalled. I can't tell if I look undeniably feminine or not. I've noticed the differences in others who've transitioned seem so obvious to me. Can I just not see the same in myself? Is that all it is?

Google up 'Melanie Anne Phillips'. Her advice has a lot of science woven into it and I know it helped me over 20 years ago when I was just getting started but before my health tragedies. I haven't given up on my voice, and I still practice it even though I have scant opportunity to use it. These days, it's more a thing I use to startle people and/or get them to see me in a different light. But that's not always a good thing (tm)....

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2 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

And one day I am going to have my beard.

And eat it too? Playing off of the have your cake and eat it too thing. I do remover watching a binder video with a British sounding guy I think it was Gcb2 binder? 

 

Also with respect to the fact that you don’t think the binder will be enough try trans tape ? I heard stories about this ( and if you are not careful you could injure your nipples (if you don’t cover them properly) but depending on how careful you are that could be an option.

 

Good luck with looking I mean not alll ambitious trans friendly binder makers are in the US hopefully you can find some )

 

Sorry I was not that helpful 

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I found a therapist in my area that seems to be LGBT friendly. I'm thinking about contacting her and asking if she works with trans folk regarding coming out and socially transitioning. The whole idea makes me nervous, but I want my family to know before I do legal things like changing my name. Thoughts?

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1 minute ago, KRae said:

I found a therapist in my area that seems to be LGBT friendly. I'm thinking about contacting her and asking if she works with trans folk regarding coming out and socially transitioning. The whole idea makes me nervous, but I want my family to know before I do legal things like changing my name. Thoughts?

Look her up and make sure she isn’t sketchy and her history is ok ! I would do more research! ( Otherwise I think going to a therapist is a good step)

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YuriAmethyst

Hi

its great To have such a thread here 

I have identified as nb transguy since 2016 but only  because for me something like agender  didn’t exist I wanted to have something fix and as I knew that I wasn’t a woman I defined myself as a feminine male

 From my personality I’m somebody who has difficulty with spaces in between I’m either black or white  also have difficulty with things fluctuating 

 In November I started my therapy you need here in Germany to get hormones and more and more I got kind of dysphoria too on the thought of having to pass as male  all the time   Yes there are days where I feel rather masculine and like to wear a binder and to pack  but if I’m honest to myself I don’t feel like I am a guy I feel like something else that is presenting as masculine  but there are also days where I like to present as female love skirts nail polish and other things 

 So I ran across the term  agenderflux  in a non-binary Facebook group and it sooo fits to me 

 I still want to transition in parts meaning I want hormones because I like things like a beard more hair and stuff but I won’t let myself be known as male rather I think I will wait until there is a third option possibility in Germany I just hope it won’t take too long and I don’t have to really suffer 

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swirl_of_blue
11 hours ago, :)(: said:

Also with respect to the fact that you don’t think the binder will be enough try trans tape ? I heard stories about this ( and if you are not careful you could injure your nipples (if you don’t cover them properly) but depending on how careful you are that could be an option.

I don't think tape is a good idea. Every single online resource I've read about binding explictly states that tape should absolutely never be used, not even temporarily or to test it. And I don't think any sort of compression on my chest will be enough in the sense of making my breasts not visible: there's no way to make that tissue just disappear, especially since I happen to have unusually large amount of firm glandular tissue. If it was just fat it would be easier to compress but no such luck for me.

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10 minutes ago, swirl_of_blue said:

I don't think tape is a good idea

https://transtape.life/

 

Transtape I think it’s different than regular tape.

its not so much binding up a way to stick the chest away using tape ( while protecting the nipples.

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999papercranes

I was looking back at old photos and I saw a selfie that I took exactly a year ago. It’s startling how much a difference a year has made. I created a comparison picture just for fun. (I hate old pictures of myself, but I made an exception.)



72u1s1.jpg

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Long time no see! I just decided to share here with you all. :) Yesterday, I had my first shot of T! :D I haven’t had a good night’s sleep the day before since something happened made me emotionally distressed, so I came back home and went to sleep. I had been dreaming and in my dream, I had just come from the shower with a towel around the waist. I went to the room and looked at myself in the mirror. There were no boobs and I had quite a lot of chest hair and my first thought was that I looked like a teddy bear. XD I smiled at myself in the mirror and was actually happy with how I looked. It felt so real. I always feel happy whenever I get dreams like that.

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