Her first boyfriend..

[dj hetero]

hey everyone...i'm new here.

i'm a heterosexual man...who has had quite a lot of experience with sex and past relationships (yeah...i'm tested and clean..heh). about 2 months ago i started hanging out with a girl who claimed to be asexual (she's never dated anyone or has been intimate with anyone)...and about a month ago we started becoming intimate with each other. nothing extremely sexual, just kissing...general caressing...etc.

i've asked advice from my close friends...but i usually just get them telling me what i want to hear: "well obviously she's not asexual...you're just the first person she wants to be intimate with."

but i really don't believe that 100%

so my reason for posting here...is for advice i guess. i've never pressured her into anything, nor can i even imagine myself doing so. but if this becomes a longterm relationship...i'm going to desire more physically. i could live happily without sex physically, but i'm concerned that eventually it could take it's toll on me mentally...making me feel insecure or inadequate. i know that if she really is asexual that my appearance or ability to make her happy has nothing to do with her wanting to have sex with me....but i think we all know that love and emotions are the polar opposites to reason and logic.

this isn't saying she doesn't want to have sex either...i'm not sure...and honestly i'm too nervous to take it to that level at this point. i'd rather her wait a while before taking that step. i'm just not sure if she's capable of physically desiring sex.

so...any general advice from people who have been on the other end of this?

should i just treat her as if she's the average sexual desiring female? or should i just take a punch and leave her be? or should i stop obsessing so much? hehe

thanks in advance!

[cait]

Well, if she's a virgin and you guys are becoming close, it is possible that something would eventually happen. It may not even be because she is sexual, but more out of curiosity. I'm only taking this out of my own experience. Anyway, just don't get to thinking you're inadequate. You're a good man for being so concerned.

But really, you can never ever really know what's happening until whatever happens passes, so I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you should ask her, when you feel you want to go a step further, how she feels about that. And if she says she does not know, don't go any further.

But, I don't really know, everybody is different.

[dj hetero]

Yeah, my primary worry is, however, that she'll fake interest in sexual things just to try and 'fit in' with the average relationships that i've had in the past. to be honest i'd much rather just be friends than put her through something that would make her feel uncomfortable in any way. hell, speaking to her openly about this has even been put off because i'd rather not make her feel "abnormal" or uncomfortable.

ah well. anyone else been in a similar situation?

[cait]

Aww, well if it gets to the point where you feel like she is trying to fit in, just tell her this.

Anyway, there is no such thing as "normal".

I hope that you work this problem out.

[mindlife]

i've asked advice from my close friends...but i usually just get them telling me what i want to hear: "well obviously she's not asexual...you're just the first person she wants to be intimate with."

but i really don't believe that 100%

Well, you probably don't believe it because you've had a chance to observe this individual carefully in an intimate situation.

but i'm concerned that eventually it could take it's toll on me mentally...making me feel insecure or inadequate.

I was often concerned about my husband this way.

I wanted him to know that he was enough for me that he was "man enough" in our relationship despite my asexual behavior.

I never wanted my asexuality to undermine his self image. As far as I know, it did not.

[KSpaz]

Well, one way of doing this is to let her make the "next moves" in physical situations. Although, since this is her first relationship, she might not make any moves even if she wouldn't mind them happening, just because of nerves.

If you don't think she would ever make a move to go further than what you're at, even if she wanted to, then you could try small steps and read her body language. If she's not comfortable with it, then you're going to be able to tell, whether by her tensing up, or stopping what she's doing, etc...

Back when I was in a relationship, I was pretty adament about the pants staying on, but I did allow other physical things to take place with my boyfriend, because I knew it made him happy, and while it did nothing for me in a physical sense, emotionally it was very nice to know he was happy with me. Not sure if this is what your girlfriend is feeling, but it might be similar. I wouldn't let anything happen that I truly felt uncomfortable with, but as in any relationships, it's a give and take scenario, and while I might have rather been just cuddling and watching a movie, it didn't bother me to allow him to be more physical. (well, until I decided I didn't want to date him...but I don't think you need to worry about that)

I can tell that you really care about her and don't want her to be uncomfortable. It's important to remember that with asexuals, often the greatest sign of physical trust is to let someone touch and kiss you. Sex itself means nothing. If she's let you into her space, you already should feel not just adequate, but quite honored!

If it turns out that she is not asexual, or even turns out that she eventually wants sex for some other reason, she will let you know when she's ready for that. In the meantime, it sounds like you're doing great.

If only all guys were as considerate as you!

[Obsidian]

Hey dj hetero :D

Firstly, you sound like a great person! and definately there should be more guys like you. It's great you're so considerate, and going to lengths to understand her.

...i've asked advice from my close friends...but i usually just get them telling me what i want to hear: "well obviously she's not asexual...you're just the first person she wants to be intimate with."

but i really don't believe that 100%

Yeah, I don't know if I agree with this either though. I'm asexual, and I love being hugged, and touching and kissing, but I freak out when it comes to sex.

I think like someone else said, you should just see how things go for a while, just go with the flow. It's a new experience for her.

Maybe she's not an asexual, and just needs a bit of time to feel comfortable with someone, to learn to trust you.

Yeah, maybe just go along for a while, and wait for her to make the first move. If nothing further is happening in a couple of months, maybe you might have to bring it up.

i know that if she really is asexual that my appearance or ability to make her happy has nothing to do with her wanting to have sex with me....

That's great that you understand that. But I think like you said, you need to also consider yourself in the relationship, and how you're going to feel with it if she is.

You said you might desire more, and that it might take it toll on you, so (and I know this doesn't sound good), but logically I think if this is the case, and nothing is going to happen and you know that at this point, it might be best to get out earlier, rather than to hang around, and develop something deep and then make both of you heartbroken because it may not work.

All the best anyway :D :D

[LostPenguin]

I'm a chick in a situation a lot like the situation your GF is in, so first off: *applauses wildly* You sound like a great BF, and I hope she realizes how lucky she is to have someone like you who's as respective as you are of how she feels about these things.

As far as sexuality goes.. if she's honestly asexual, it doesn't and never will have anything to do with you. Sounds like the gal loves you- sex just isn't part of the picture for her. Doesn't mean you're not what she wants or anything... she just doesn't see it as being part of the relationship, or doesn't want it. I know that you might still worry sometime, but you really shouldn't. Hope it helps. :)

[MsMagicMuggle]

Sorry, I don't have much advice for you - just wanted to applaud you for being so considerate of how your gf is feeling! :D

My honest opinion is that SHE may not even know what she wants....I knw for me, I am asexual in that I don't look at other people and "fancy" them, but I wouldn't be averse to having sex if I was in a relationship in which I truly loved the other person....(I think - I mean, I don't know yet).

I'd say just keep the lines of communication open and see where you end up.

Hope it works out for the best for both you guys whatever the outcome

Debbie x

[A-Ole]

An important thing to realize here is that being asexual means not feeling sexual attraction, and that's ALL it means; it does NOT mean never having sexual desire, or not enjoying sex.

Ask your girlfriend if she's ever felt sexual desire; if the answer is "no," and she's an adult, then that means you're almost certainly out of luck in that area.

She still might, MIGHT, enjoy sex, or at least some parts of it; the only way for her to know for sure is to try it... unless she has feelings of disgust or revulsion about sexual things, in which case she of course won't be able to enjoy any part of it.

The only thing I can advise is to try to talk with her more about it, as only she can give you these answers... oh, and it's a bad idea to discuss her asexuality with your friends unless she's given permission, as that's a violation of trust... and they don't know anything about it anyways, so what's the point?