Difference between sexual attraction and sexual desire, please?

[Nameless123]

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[Rivan Vox]

This is probably a stupid question, but while studying an older poll (http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?showtopic=49031) I realised I had trouble answering the questions there because I wasn't sure what the difference was between sexual attraction and sexual desire? Is attraction something you experience when just looking at someone and desire something you experience when you're already engaging in sexual acts? Maybe a sexual person can tell me?

Aren't both really just supposed to make you want to sleep with someone?

I'd appreciate some help with this... :)

Attraction: Wow that sure is a pretty flower

Desire: I'd sure love to stuff that flower in my vagina

~ Ily <3

[you*hear*but*do*you*listen]

This is probably a stupid question, but while studying an older poll (http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?showtopic=49031) I realised I had trouble answering the questions there because I wasn't sure what the difference was between sexual attraction and sexual desire? Is attraction something you experience when just looking at someone and desire something you experience when you're already engaging in sexual acts? Maybe a sexual person can tell me?

Aren't both really just supposed to make you want to sleep with someone?

I'd appreciate some help with this... :)

Attraction: Wow that sure is a pretty flower

Desire: I'd sure love to stuff that flower in my vagina

~ Ily <3

Um...not according to the AVEN wiki.

http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Rabger%27s_model Oddly the description says asexuals lack primary sexual desire when it should say we lack primary sexual attraction. I'll have to fix that...

Also, here is the original post by Rabger herself, which is more helpful than the wiki IMO.

http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?showtopic=10791&b=1&st=0&p=0entry0

[Kafka Sometimes]

This is probably a stupid question, but while studying an older poll (http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?showtopic=49031) I realised I had trouble answering the questions there because I wasn't sure what the difference was between sexual attraction and sexual desire? Is attraction something you experience when just looking at someone and desire something you experience when you're already engaging in sexual acts? Maybe a sexual person can tell me?

Aren't both really just supposed to make you want to sleep with someone?

I'd appreciate some help with this... :)

Attraction: Wow that sure is a pretty flower

Desire: I'd sure love to stuff that flower in my vagina

~ Ily <3

Valentine, you have made my day with this answer, haha. :lol:

[trisarahtops]

After some research:

Sexual attraction is a feeling that sexual people get that causes them to desire sexual contact with a specific other person. It is often (but not always) mixed with another form of attraction - i.e. sometimes a person experiencing sexual attraction will only want sex, and other times they will desire sex as well as romantic interaction or other things.

Sometimes asexuals will desire sexual contact for other reasons besides attraction, for example, in order to make another person happy who is sexual, or to prove to themselves that they are "normal". It therefore becomes tricky to define sexual attraction exactly. One good rule of thumb is that sexual attraction involves a desire for the sexual act itself, rather than its social consequences. Some models of asexuality, such as Rabger's, make distinctions between different kinds of sexual desire, and allow for asexuals to feel some varieties but not others.

Sexual attraction is not the same thing as sex drive, although in sexuals the two often go together. When asexuals experience sex drive, it is not connected to attraction or desire, and can thus be taken care of by oneself.

-AVENwiki - Attraction.

Libido in its common usage means sexual desire; however, more technical definitions, such as those found in the work of Carl Jung, are more general, referring to libido as the free creative—or psychic—energy an individual has to put toward personal development or individuation. Libido tends to be very strong in males of all species and tends to have a low threshold for its expression. Within the category of sexual behavior, libido would fall under the appetitive phase wherein an individual will usually undergo certain behaviors in order to gain access to a mate.

-Wikipedia- - Libido

To me, sexual desire is not connected to sexual attraction. It is not connected to a person, but it's more of like an arousal caused by something, be it something visual or mental or hormonal.

Sexual attraction is the actual attraction to the person that makes you want sexual contact with them.

[Nameless123]

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[P is for...]

sorry, but... actually, Valentine's answer made quite a bit of sense to me on a symbolic level. not to mention it was pithy and funny. i wouldn't be so quick to dismiss it. it may not be the correct way of wording it for everyone but i imagine there are quite a few of us for whom it works.

just P's two cents.

[you*hear*but*do*you*listen]

sorry, but... actually, Valentine's answer made quite a bit of sense to me on a symbolic level. not to mention it was pithy and funny. i wouldn't be so quick to dismiss it. it may not be the correct way of wording it for everyone but i imagine there are quite a few of us for whom it works.

It was indeed pithy and funny...maybe I misunderstood because I'm too literal.

[Guest fridayoak]

To me, sexual desire is not connected to sexual attraction. It is not connected to a person, but it's more of like an arousal caused by something, be it something visual or mental or hormonal.

Sexual attraction is the actual attraction to the person that makes you want sexual contact with them.

That seems a bit contradictory though. You say sexual desire isn't connected to sexual attraction but then say;.."Sexual attraction is the actual attraction to the person that makes you want sexual contact with them"

If "you want sexual contact" then that surely constitutes sexual desire. Desire means "to want" so I can't see the seperation. I know you can want sex for other reasons (to please your partner, or to enjoy the physical sensation) but if sexual attraction is the actual attraction that makes you want sexual contact, then sexual attraction has to be counted as a form of sexual desire.

[Nameless123]

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[Sally]

To me, sexual desire is not connected to sexual attraction. It is not connected to a person, but it's more of like an arousal caused by something, be it something visual or mental or hormonal.

Sexual attraction is the actual attraction to the person that makes you want sexual contact with them.

That seems a bit contradictory though. You say sexual desire isn't connected to sexual attraction but then say;.."Sexual attraction is the actual attraction to the person that makes you want sexual contact with them"

If "you want sexual contact" then that surely constitutes sexual desire. Desire means "to want" so I can't see the seperation. I know you can want sex for other reasons (to please your partner, or to enjoy the physical sensation) but if sexual attraction is the actual attraction that makes you want sexual contact, then sexual attraction has to be counted as a form of sexual desire.

Feeling sexual attraction certainly means you have sexual desire. However, having sexual desire doesn't mean you feel sexual attraction. It just means you have a working libido but it's not connected to any actual people.

[trisarahtops]

To me, sexual desire is not connected to sexual attraction. It is not connected to a person, but it's more of like an arousal caused by something, be it something visual or mental or hormonal.

Sexual attraction is the actual attraction to the person that makes you want sexual contact with them.

That seems a bit contradictory though. You say sexual desire isn't connected to sexual attraction but then say;.."Sexual attraction is the actual attraction to the person that makes you want sexual contact with them"

If "you want sexual contact" then that surely constitutes sexual desire. Desire means "to want" so I can't see the seperation. I know you can want sex for other reasons (to please your partner, or to enjoy the physical sensation) but if sexual attraction is the actual attraction that makes you want sexual contact, then sexual attraction has to be counted as a form of sexual desire.

I think there is a lot of overlap between the 2. I understand what you are saying and you might even be right.

I guess I don't know everything. drats.

OP: If by sexual desire, you mean arousal, then maybe I can try again to make some sense...

Arousal can be caused by a number of different things that don't necessarily have to be sexual. For example, I've noticed a lot of biologically female people on the forum mention that they feel more arousal around the time they get their period. You can be aroused from a number of different things, and it doesn't have to be caused my sexual attraction.

Hopefully I'm not contradicting myself again.

[Sally]

Reductionist definition:

Sexual desire: Feeling of sexual arousal

Sexual attraction: Feeling of sexual desire directed at another person

[Rivan Vox]

Sorry, sorry, you see it appears to me that "sexual" and "physical" can be used interchangeably in most contexts.

Let's say I see a pretty/handsome boy. Extremely huggable, even. That's immediately saying "Woo this is a person I want to be around!" I.E. ATTRACTION.

Now, lets say that while I do appreciate his huggability, I do not want to be pounded by his six-inch meat hammer. That is a lack of DESIRE.

While I love flowers, I'm no dendrosexual, if you catch my drift.

[trisarahtops]

Reductionist definition:

Sexual desire: Feeling of sexual arousal

Sexual attraction: Feeling of sexual desire directed at another person

Hurrah! I think you have found the solution!

[Nameless123]

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[Guest fridayoak]

triSARAHtops I didn't mean to pick on you, it's just something that has been bothering recently. That people keep over-emphasising the distinction between sexual desire and sexual attraction, I've seen a lot of new confused people on Aven who say stuff like "I think I'm asexual cos I have no sexual desire" and some people say simply "well sexual desire isn't the same as sexual attraction so that doesn't mean you're asexual" and it leaves them even more confused. Cos I think most asexuals who say they have no sexual desire are essentially saying they have no sexual attraction even if the two are not technically the same. Hell I might be wrong too.

And Valentine, you're talking about aesthetic/physical attraction rather than sexual attraction but I can see what you meant.

[Nameless123]

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[Dargon]

Also, here is the original post by Rabger himself, which is more helpful than the wiki IMO.

Sorry, just read that and was a bit bothered and had to make a correction. Rabger is female.

Rabger's model brought about a lot of discussion when it first came up, and a lot of disagreement. There are elements I do and do not like in that model.

In the end, I draw the distinction very similar to Sally.

Sexual desire: desire for genital gratification

Sexual attraction: sexual desire directed towards someone.

[Guest fridayoak]

Also, here is the original post by Rabger himself, which is more helpful than the wiki IMO.

In the end, I draw the distinction very similar to Sally.

Sexual desire: desire for genital gratification

Sexual attraction: sexual desire directed towards someone.

This is fine for the clued up asexual on Aven but the general population don't make these clear distinctions or use that defintion. Most sexual people who express their feelings of sexual attraction do so by talking of their desire to do something sexual with a specific person. So the two are very much linked. This is what I mean when a new asexual comes to Aven and says "I'm asexual cos I have no sexual desire" Cos by your definition that means they want no genital gratification but seeing as they often also say "but I masturbate" then it just shows that most people in the population at large are using sexual desire and attraction interchangeably so I think this should be kept in mind when talking to people outside of the asexual community (including newly identified "asexuals").

[WhenSummersGone]

Reductionist definition:

Sexual desire: Feeling of sexual arousal

Sexual attraction: Feeling of sexual desire directed at another person

This makes the most sense to me because I experience sexual desire but not sexual attraction

Edit: That is if sexual desire = arousal, not sex

[Aloveroflife]

Sorry, sorry, you see it appears to me that "sexual" and "physical" can be used interchangeably in most contexts.

Let's say I see a pretty/handsome boy. Extremely huggable, even. That's immediately saying "Woo this is a person I want to be around!" I.E. ATTRACTION.

Now, lets say that while I do appreciate his huggability, I do not want to be pounded by his six-inch meat hammer. That is a lack of DESIRE.

While I love flowers, I'm no dendrosexual, if you catch my drift.

YES, exactly!! I appreciate a good looking boy (especially if he's also an interesting and cool person!) but why the heck would that also mean I want to hop into bed with him?!

[Sally]

This isn't rocket science.

Sexual attraction to another person = not asexual.

Sexual attraction doesn't mean you want to hug someone.

[you*hear*but*do*you*listen]

Also, here is the original post by Rabger himself, which is more helpful than the wiki IMO.

Sorry, just read that and was a bit bothered and had to make a correction. Rabger is female.

Rabger's model brought about a lot of discussion when it first came up, and a lot of disagreement. There are elements I do and do not like in that model.

In the end, I draw the distinction very similar to Sally.

Sexual desire: desire for genital gratification

Sexual attraction: sexual desire directed towards someone.

Rabger HERself, then; I corrected the original post.

And I'm really prone to agreeing with a lot of Rabger's model, but this is how I see it:

Primary sexual attraction: acknowledgement that the object of attraction is a potential target of (primary or secondary) sexual desire; based on instantly obtainable information such as looks, smell, charisma, etc.

Secondary sexual attraction: acknowledgement that the object of attraction is a potential target of (primary or secondary) sexual desire that occurs if and only if said attraction results from an emotional connection

Primary sexual desire: desire to act on (primary or secondary) sexual attraction by engaging in sexual activity with the object of attraction

Secondary sexual desire: desire to engage in sexual activity with a person for a reason other than acting on (primary or secondary) sexual attraction, such as giving the partner pleasure or conceiving a child

And call me crazy, but some of us seem to be saying that sexual attraction is wanting to act on sexual desire, and some seem to be saying it's the other way around. GAAAAAAAAH I'm so confused.

[Guest fridayoak]

exactly, people are using the word desire to mean different things. by sally's definition "sexual desire = sexual arousal" but many people would use desire to suggest that they actually want to do something sexual. This is where the confusion lies I think. I mean just cos a person gets randomly aroused say, it doesn't mean they desire sex.

[you*hear*but*do*you*listen]

exactly, people are using the word desire to mean different things. by sally's definition "sexual desire = sexual arousal" but many people would use desire to suggest that they actually want to do something sexual. This is where the confusion lies I think. I mean just cos a person gets randomly aroused say, it doesn't mean they desire sex.

Or even sexual gratification in some cases. The genitals typically become aroused during REM sleep, for example, and not even during...erm...sketchy dreams.

[Dargon]

Consider the very definition of the word "attraction." Attraction cannot be non-directed. Then we add a qualifier to it, in this case, "sexual." That means the attraction is necessarily of a sexual nature. Now there are other types of attraction, such as aesthetic (it's pretty) or romantic, but neither of those are necessarily sexual.

I suppose much of the confusion comes from the fact that for a typical sexual, sexual desire is usually coupled with sexual attraction, and so the two terms are often used synonymously.

[Badger Power]

So...

attraction- huh, he's rather handsome

sexual attraction- ooooOOOh he's rather handsome *WINK*

sexual desire- want sex.

?

[Guest FrozenCherry]

That is so funny thing... IDK what is attraction what I feel. Is it estechic attraction or something else, IDK but what I know it is not sexual or is not lead anything sexual... But I absolutely am addicted to pleasure which my brains give me when I see long hair or something like that, I called them brain orgasms. HAH! Tongue orgasms from chocolate and strawberries and ear orgasms from music :P What is the part of my brains what get activated when I feel like that? Is that the same part what was activated if I had sex and orgasm from that? IDK

[P Orridge]

My take on this:

My dictionary defines sex as: sexual intercourse, or behaviour, feelings, or desires etc associated with it.

Many of us sometimes get aroused, want to do something about it (and take pleasure from that), but don't want this to be be with another person. For me this is a sex drive of sorts. Is this sex drive stimulated by specific people and a basis for sexual intercourse? For many people (including me) no. I thus think I have a sex drive but don't feel sexual attraction. I can certainly see that someone is sexy or sensual but that doesn't mean I want to have sex with them.