Fellow Sexuals

[cupid69]

On 4/16/2019 at 7:09 AM, CBC said:

 

x

 

[alibali]

18 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Many asexuals do NOT consider a sexual relationship is important to the sexual. It's not in their nature.

I don't think the word "consider" is appropriate. It implies that someone who is asexual has considered the arguments. Personally I just don't feel it.  I know it is important only because people tell me it is. Realise may be a better word.

[ryn2]

@Fallen Unicorn ugh, I’m sorry!  I guess that makes the whole family behavior thing (on her family’s part) less puzzling.

 

I’m glad you’re out of the situation and feeling better about your decision.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Seeing things like that tinned chicken is exactly why I went vegetarian 😣

 

That said, I do now wanna know whether chickens get high.

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Generally, people do infer motivations and much else from other people's actions.

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_mind

I wasn’t arguing against theory of mind or saying motivation isn’t important.  Motivation is actually more important to me than behavior in a lot of contexts.  It would even be important to me in the context of drivers if I was on a jury looking at the results of an accident.

 

I just legit don’t care about it at all when I am crossing the street.  Like I said earlier, I understand that it likely factors into traffic laws and road design... but that’s

not what I’m thinking about when I’m standing at the curb.

 

I’m doing the math about whether I can make it across before the car (with its driver) gets to me, pure and simple.

 

If the person guns it I may care about (if ranting counts as caring) their motivation afterwards.

 

It just doesn’t factor into my crossing decision at all.  I’ve seen countless lovely people very upset after having hit someone... all those good intentions about not wanting to hurt people didn’t help at all.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

for human interactions, it's far more complicated. It's not binary. There's a whole bunch of stuff you're putting together, and coming up with a sort of 'field' of possibilities. It may not be totally accurate, but chances are it's better information than none. It's fuzzy logic.

 

If someone's smiling, it's more likely they're happy than sad; on the other hand, if there are tears in their eyes, then clearly they're making an effort to seem  happy even when they're not, so you could infer there's someone around they want to impress with their stoicism; further you might be able to take a stab at inferring who and why it is. You have more information than if you make no inferences, in which case you might equally assume they're wondering if they left the gas on or thinking about Game Of Thrones.

 

Or, in a bar, if someone's smiling at you a lot, and making lots of eye contact, and laughing inordinately at your jokes, and standing closer than normal, then all those things together create the strong likelihood they fancy you. They might not; they might just act like that with everyone, or they might be drunk, or they might be wanting to make you think they fancy you, so you'll buy them a drink. But generally, put all those together, and there's a strong enough chance that they fancy you that it's worth flirting back to see what happens. Again, more information is there than the stuff they're articulating verbally.

Totally agreed, with the minor exception that I would probably infer something slightly different from their behavior than you did.  E.g., I wouldn’t think of impressing with stoicism; I would be more likely to see it as not feeling comfortable showing (or feeling obligated not to show) vulnerability in that particular setting.

 

That just could be because I live in a culture where stoicism is less valued, though.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, alibali said:

Perhaps in the matter of cars, but I disagree about the utter minefield of complicated human relationships and emotion. You can't reduce that to a kind of binary yes or no answer.

 

Which is why I don't think the analogy fits. The only thing you can do is make a choice about whether to take action because you are unhappy about the behaviour and what you will tolerate. That may be because of assumptions made which may or may not be true.

Totally agreed with this as well.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, CBC said:

Criminal activity can happen literally anywhere.

So very true.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

The odds are sufficiently in our favour that our guess will be right enough to act on

...and this is fine as long as we never quite forget we are guessing, meaning we keep

an open mind to the possibility we are mistaken in our interpretation.

[Traveler40]

I, for one, am glad that “in fact” it’s settled.  All better folks?

 

This part in particular had me all SNL “Deep Thoughts”.  It IS just before 4am here, but there isn’t any sleep in my eyes, just the brain...

 

53 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

and this is fine as long as we never quite forget we are guessing, meaning we keep

an open mind to the possibility we are mistaken in our interpretation.

Come on, “in fact” funny.... 😂🤣😂

 

Edit: Is everyone in the room high? Just curious mostly. Hahaha

[Traveler40]

3 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

as to it only affecting our own behaviour: well yes, superficially, but since we can infer other people are inferring things about us, we can affect those inferences, by for instance smiling so they'll infer we're happy, and probably be more relaxed around us.

Seriously, are you high Tele?

[ryn2]

38 minutes ago, CBC said:

I never said that what happened on my street was a gang shooting at a crack house.

Indeed.

 

And even that happens in places a lot of people never would expect.  It just gets held out of the news better.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

...and this is fine as long as we never quite forget we are guessing, meaning we keep

an open mind to the possibility we are mistaken in our interpretation.

Maybe I’m just extra-stupid today but I don’t see why this is funny.  (The lack of) it has been the bane of my existence almost as long as I can remember.

[Traveler40]

Everything in context I suppose. AVEN has a way of magnifying minush to such a degree that for the uninvolved parties dropping by it’s truly hilarious....the dissections (Deep Thoughts) hit my funny bone.  At a distance it’s quite humorous.  My apologies for derailing the train. 😬

[Traveler40]

7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Nope... I just realised I had to unpack some very fundamental things about human interactions which I'd assumed everybody agreed.

Deep 👍🏻.  “In fact”, I’m just not used to seeing you fall in love with a phrase or a word and beating it to death in a thought.  Well done then.

[ryn2]

51 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

you often come across as keeping such an open mind that it prevents you taking an actions or reaching any conclusions at all.

That’s a pretty accurate assessment, actually.  I have the worst case of analysis paralysis ever.

 

I mean, I reach conclusions but still wonder if they are wrong.

[ryn2]

I’m like the cat that wiggles its butt forever but never pounces on whatever it’s stalking, lol.

[cupid69]

On 4/16/2019 at 10:06 AM, alibali said:

 

x

[cupid69]

On 4/16/2019 at 11:02 AM, ryn2 said:

 

x

[cupid69]

On 4/16/2019 at 1:16 PM, ryn2 said:

 

x

[anisotrophic]

37 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Everyone's entitled to their opinion of course.

Has your partner actually identified as asexual? Have you talked to her about it? Because I recall you panicking when she saw you hanging out in AVEN. Didn't sound like healthy communication to me.

 

I am so sick of sexuals -- you in particular -- coming in making broad statements about asexuals being so mean and insensitive and whatever -- rather than talking about their own partner, their efforts at communication with them, seeking advice on engaging them. It's toxic and makes the spfa section horrible.

 

Yes "realize" was an entirely accurate description for my spouse! Who does very firmly identify as ace now, and he does consider sex important (to me) -- now that he realizes it. Not that he wants it. But he didn't realize it was important. I didn't realize he never wanted it.

 

But now that it's been recognized, I'm leaning towards celibacy for a while. It's not that I've turned ace (definitely not), but it's been rough, I'd like a break & to focus on other joys.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Apostle said:

Perhaps you should visit CBC and try a spliff or two. Might help you reach another plane!😀😀

Sadly, or maybe it’s “fortunately,” most things don’t have any “getting high” effect on me.  Everyone else is always “yay, at least my doctor gave me XYZ” but for me it is whatever.

 

Can’t put it to the test with CBC’s stash as my employer drug-tests.  

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, anisotrophic said:

Yes "realize" was an entirely accurate description for my spouse! Who does very firmly identify as ace now, and he does consider sex important (to me) -- now that he realizes it. Not that he wants it. But he didn't realize it was important. I didn't realize he never wanted it.

I agree that “realize” is a good term.  You have to first realize that something could be an issue before you can even choose to take it into consideration (or not).

[alibali]

2 hours ago, Apostle said:

Everyone's entitled to their opinion of course.

I considered myself broken before I realised.

 

I am asexual just because well I am. It's not a decision or opinion.

[cupid69]

On 4/16/2019 at 4:59 PM, anisotrophic said:

 

x

[ryn2]

6 minutes ago, Apostle said:

this post is about fellow sexuals, not asexuals

Anisotropic is sexual, with an asexual partner...

[Xstatic]

Anyone who has an orientation that isn't hetero-normative has to 'realize' their orientation(or live in denial of it).  I was able to figure mine out by the age of 14 but it's pretty easy to figure out that you are attracted to more than one gender when you're a horny teenager.  It's much more difficult to understand the absence of something than an overabundance of something.

[ryn2]

54 minutes ago, ☆ﾟ°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

It's much more difficult to understand the absence of something than an overabundance of something.

Very true.  I mean, even with mundane things, how do you explain to someone what it feels like to not need to go to the bathroom, or to not be hungry, or to not be itchy?

[anisotrophic]

12 hours ago, Apostle said:

Oh dear, your comments appear to be quite shallow, don't they?

If you had bothered to read some of my past posts you would have realised that my SO does not want to talk about it. I have concluded she is asexual based on previous statements I have made about her behaviour, if you had bothered to look for them!

I'm also sick of people who churn out line after line of defense mechanisms to justify their sexuality, usually asexuality, and what's more, this post is about fellow sexuals, not asexuals. Comment all you like but don't assume anything please. 

 

I am reading what you've written. I've quoted a real gem from you below, from June 2018.

And clearly you are not reading what I write.

 

12 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Anisotropic is sexual, with an asexual partner...

 

Thanks @ryn2 but it seems that @Apostle has decided to "gaslight" me on this topic. I have very clearly told him I'm sexual, and that my partner is asexual, and he doesn't care. The kindest assumption is that he has a reflexive response of accusing someone of being asexual when they take issue with his "complaining-about-asexuals" attitude. His inability to pay attention to what others write contributes to my finding his behavior abhorrent.

 

@Apostle Your SO does not want to talk about asexuality? Really?

What's this then?

 

On 6/11/2018 at 2:36 AM, Apostle said:

My relationship suddenly took a turn a couple of days ago when my wife sneaked in behind me and saw that I was communicating on the Aven site. Before I minimised the content she only saw a bit about asexuals and she asked me if it was about one of our sons (he seems completely disinterested in members of the opposite/same sex and is in his mid twenties and has never had a relationship).

This was a bit of a shock as I thought she may have asked if it was about her. Now I don't know what direction to take as I think she thinks she is not asexual where all the signs points to this. 

Help!🤬

 

...so? Did you talk to her about asexuality?

 

(At the time, @ryn2 did suggest you might go ahead and do so.)

Because as far as I can tell, you went right back to gossiping and complaining about your wife here, behind her back – not talking to her about asexuality – in a community hypothetically dedicated to asexual visibility and education.

I have no words remaining that are not curses.

[uhtred]

17 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I am reading what you've written. I've quoted a real gem from you below, from June 2018.

And clearly you are not reading what I write.

 

 

Thanks @ryn2 but it seems that @Apostle has decided to "gaslight" me on this topic. I have very clearly told him I'm sexual, and that my partner is asexual, and he doesn't care. The kindest assumption is that he has a reflexive response of accusing someone of being asexual when they take issue with his "complaining-about-asexuals" attitude. His inability to pay attention to what others write contributes to my finding his behavior abhorrent.

 

@Apostle Your SO does not want to talk about asexuality? Really?

What's this then?

 

...so? Did you talk to her about asexuality?

 

(At the time, @ryn2 did suggest you might go ahead and do so.)

Because as far as I can tell, you went right back to gossiping and complaining about your wife here, behind her back – not talking to her about asexuality – in a community hypothetically dedicated to asexual visibility and education.

I have no words remaining that are not curses.

Some people are not open to the discussion. I know my wife is convinced that here level of interest in sex is completely typical for women. There are people who are "sex discussion adverse".