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Fellow Sexuals

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Sally
24 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

It's happening automatically for a lot of us now, no choice in the matter, no box available to tick.

I'm going to test it.   

 

So I'm editing this -- let's see if it says I've done so.

 

Edited by Sally
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Sally

Geez.  That's new.  I don't like that.  

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iff

 

 

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Ilovecake
On 7/4/2010 at 11:30 PM, Shinnok said:

I'm Sexual. My SO is Asexual. The reason I stay on this forum is because this forum has become a place for me to go to when I feel like I have no where else to go. I have friends here

And hopefully you have learned something along the way. It’s about visibility which is something ace’s have been striving for.

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Apostle
On 1/25/2019 at 9:31 AM, Ilovecake said:

 

x

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ryn2
7 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

Yeah I fix typos and edit wording choices and add additional sentences and stuff all the time. Mostly it bugs me because I think people will automatically assume I back-pedalled on something and I'm changing my view or whatever haha, which is illogical to think they'd assume that, but still. I would never edit a post to say something entirely different or just to make someone else look bad.

Same (bolded)!

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Serran

Yeah I edit to fix typos all the time. Especially now I post on my phone a lot and I end up going wait ... that isnt the word I was going for, fat fingered touch screen ! Lol 

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Kara11
On 9/26/2010 at 11:03 AM, Tapestry said:

I am a sexual female. I have been married to my asexual husband for over 16 years and have three kids (thank goodness for adoption! lol). He was interested in sex before we got married, but it turned off like a switch during the honeymoon and has been that way ever since. He has no explanation for why this happened. I find I sometimes feel so resentful and deceived. It's so hard to deal with. I used to always think my husband just wasn't into me or that I was unattractive, but a few years ago I started looking for a "cause", so to speak. Eventually found this site, pretty much when I was at the point I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and might jump on some random strange man walking down the street. Then I started getting depressed again and had to stop thinking about it and had to take a break from reading online and Aven, and now I've started thinking about it again and decided to reconnect with Aven. It's really helpful for me to talk with people in the same situation. I had talked to my husband a lot after finding Aven, and he agreed that he is asexual (had never heard of it before). I'm so conflicted...feel like I can't keep living like this but don't want to put my kids through a divorce, so I live in limbo. Unfortunately on top of no sex we have absolutely no intimacy or affection of any kind. My husband pretty much doesn't talk to me. I'm thankful he's a good father. I'm 38 and my kids are 3, 6, and almost-8. I've been trying to throw myself into activities and am planning to go back to college in the next year or so for a career change, but still, there is such emptiness in my life that I don't think will ever be filled. Happy to be back here and hope to learn and share with you all. :)

Your story is very similar to mine except we don’t have kids, one of my biggest regrets. My husband (asexual) is affectionate, to a point, but I’ve found that over the years and lack of intimacy that I am not overly affectionate towards him either. I’ve felt how you feel and understand your frustration. I to threw myself into my career thinking it would take my mind off it but it didn’t work. I came to realise that as a sexual, there is just no substitute for sex. My husband and I have always been able to talk openly about his asexuality since finding out about it, so I gave him the option of divorce or allowing me to seek sex elsewhere. He agreed, albeit reluctantly, but if he hadn’t I don’t think I could’ve stayed. I got to a point, after being faithful for 20 years, that I just couldn’t deny my nature any longer. This isn’t the solution for everyone but it works for us.

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Apostle
On 2/13/2019 at 6:53 PM, Kara11 said:

 

x

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Kara11
On 2/15/2019 at 12:57 AM, Apostle said:

You are both like I am except I am male. No affection and obviously no sex. I've been an enforced celibate for 24 years now and always wake up to the same subject. It's a cruel twist of life isn't it. Trouble is I've children also and they came first. It's difficult to take the sexuality out of someone though, isn't it and something that asexuals will NEVER understand as they are missing the necessary chemical and physiological elements of sexual humans.

My B in L is a bachelor and I now suspect my son is as he is in his mid twenties and not a sign ever that he is or has ever been interested in males or females and has never dated as far as I know.

Sigh. 😕

You nailed it when you called it a cruel twist of life!! It sure is and perhaps it’s lucky for them that they will never understand. My husband once said that if he could take a pill and make himself sexual he’d take it. I said if there was a pill that would make me asexual I wouldn’t take it because I know what he’s missing, even if he doesn’t.

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dbarnes

Hello,  I'm new.  I am a sexual person (Very sexual) meaning I do desire and I would even say to an extent need sexual and physical intimacy.  My wife has recently come out in the last few years as asexual.  Our sex life has always been a bit off.  At least to me.  The frequency and she has never had that desire to have sex that I have.  I've tried to understand it and I have recently bought books such as "The invisible Orientation" to help me better understand what her experience as far as sexuality is so I can be a better partner and more understanding.  I do however feel as though our relationship is hitting an impasse.  I want/need/deisire sex and physical intimacy and she doesn't.  Obviously because she has told me so.  I understand I do need to have a more detailed conversation with her on how we can both have our needs or lack there of met.  The reason I joined AVEN is first and for most education and understanding.  I am also seeking advice either from other sexuals and asexuals on how you handle the conundrum of both people getting their needs met.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
28 minutes ago, dbarnes said:

Hello,  I'm new.  I am a sexual person (Very sexual) meaning I do desire and I would even say to an extent need sexual and physical intimacy.  My wife has recently come out in the last few years as asexual.  Our sex life has always been a bit off.  At least to me.  The frequency and she has never had that desire to have sex that I have.  I've tried to understand it and I have recently bought books such as "The invisible Orientation" to help me better understand what her experience as far as sexuality is so I can be a better partner and more understanding.  I do however feel as though our relationship is hitting an impasse.  I want/need/deisire sex and physical intimacy and she doesn't.  Obviously because she has told me so.  I understand I do need to have a more detailed conversation with her on how we can both have our needs or lack there of met.  The reason I joined AVEN is first and for most education and understanding.  I am also seeking advice either from other sexuals and asexuals on how you handle the conundrum of both people getting their needs met.

Hey dbarnes.  I am a sexual in a relationship with an asexual. However the difference between my situation and yours is that I went into this relationship knowing that he was asexual. Also my relationship is much shorter than yours. Not that I haven't had long relationships. I've definitely been through the ringer with challenging marriages.

 

I joined aven to help understand my partner better. And I think I have which is really nice. One thing I have learned is that although a lot of us deal with the same sort of issues in our relationships, our partners can be vastly different on how they handle dealing with the topic of sexuality.  Some asexuals are sex averse and their partners have to deal with complete celibacy. Some asexuals are sex indifferent. They might engage in sexual activities with their partners but they don't seek it out and it doesn't really mean anything to them except for to make their partner happy. Some people are okay with this compromise, others are not okay with it because they want to experience desire from their partner and in that situation they're not really getting it. then there are some asexuals who don't seem to have a problem with being sexual with their partner and even enjoy it while it's happening but they don't actively seek it out.

 

I thought that my partner was averse, but it turns out he's more or less indifferent and has done things for me on occasion that he would otherwise not do or seek out.  I do have to ask though. He will not initiate.  I do have the luxury of having somebody who really likes physical touch so mostly my needs are met there. What I have come to understand is that there has to be a lot of communication. I have to address my needs and his needs or lack thereof on a regular basis, because what one day might be okay, will not be okay another day. It's kind of a delicate dance.

 

Some people in this type of relationship have an open relationship policy so that the sexual can get their needs met outside of their partnership. My partner has offered this to me, but I'm currently not interested in doing so.  Maybe at some point when I'm more comfortable with how our relationship is going I will open myself up like that, but for now I would like to just focus on the two of us.

 

I definitely agree that sitting down with your partner and really hashing out what both of your needs are and what the two of you are willing to compromise on is really important to your relationship and you might come to find a happy middle ground for the both of you.  

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Traveler40
55 minutes ago, dbarnes said:

My wife has recently come out in the last few years as asexual....The reason I joined AVEN is first and for most education and understanding.  I am also seeking advice either from other sexuals and asexuals on how you handle the conundrum of both people getting their needs met.

Welcome to AVEN.  It seems you’ve found your way here following a few years notice from your wife and a bit of general reading on the subject.  That’s great and often not the case.  Having had both time and opportunity to read up on asexuality, what have you understood the options to be?  I’m sincerely curious as I found this site in ignorance 2 years ago, but I definitely had the options down after having lived with my asexual husband for 15 years.

 

The options aren’t plentiful or great, but there are a few to consider in the event you’d like to stay together.  Not one fits all and only the two of you can find the compromise that may work.

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Traveler40
14 minutes ago, xstatic said:

I definitely agree that sitting down with your partner and really hashing out what both of your needs are and what the two of you are willing to compromise on is really important to your relationship and you might come to find a happy middle ground for the both of you.  

Sure, I agree as well...but why hasn’t this happened if she came out a couple of years ago?!? 

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dbarnes
6 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Welcome to AVEN.  It seems you’ve found your way here following a few years notice from your wife and a bit of general reading on the subject.  That’s great and often not the case for many. Having had both time and opportunity to read up on asexuality, what have you understood the options to be?  I’m sincerely curious as I found this site in ignorance on the topic 2 years ago, but I definitely had all options down after having lived with my asexual husband for 15 years.

 

The options aren’t plentiful or great, but there are a few to consider together in the event you’d like to stay together.  Not one fits all and only the two of you can find the compromise that may work.

@Traveler40  For starters we have been married now for 10 years.  Even when we were dating I always kind of felt our sex life was a bit off.  We have always struggled in this area and in part due to her not fully knowing her sexuality until recently.  Please understand I don't mean that in a negative way it's just a fact.  She always has and honestly still does feel as though she is broken.  I do reinforce that she is not and that this is natural for her and everyone is different.  I mean if there are people who are homosexual and only attracted to same sex individuals why can there not be someone who just isn't attracted to anything and doesn't have any sexual desire.  

 

We have talked a bit about it.  We have talked about "compromising" and to be honest I still get a vibe that it's not something she really wants to do.  She has said before that sex is like a chore for her.  Like an obligation.  That makes me feel sad and frustrated.  When we do have sex I am not allowed to initiate.  It's always on her terms, and this maybe TMI, but one of the things I fantasize most about is being the initiator so that is also a bit frustrating for me.  I feel as though I have no control over this aspect of my own sexuality and desires.  All that aside I feel like compromising isn't really compromising at all and it's her simply giving a spoiled child what he wants even though she doesn't really want to.  That also makes me feel incredibly guilty.  Through all of this I have started trying to reflect on myself.  It makes me question if I am broken  because I have these sexual urges, needs, and desires.

 

Another thing we have talked about is opening our marriage and polyamory.  Anytime it is brought up we ultimately arrive at the same conclusion.  I feel incredibly guilty even though I have needs that need to be met and she isn't sure that she wouldn't be jealous.  If we could work through those emotions it could work in theory, but we don't know and is the cost of experimenting with this worth the risk?  I have thought about bringing up couples therapy for some outside help, but even that is hard to talk about.  She is a very introverted person and deals with depression and anxiety as well.  Note that we have had these issues even before she started medication to deal with her depression and anxiety.  If you have any advice please share.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

Dan

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dbarnes
17 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Welcome to AVEN.  It seems you’ve found your way here following a few years notice from your wife and a bit of general reading on the subject.  That’s great and often not the case.  Having had both time and opportunity to read up on asexuality, what have you understood the options to be?  I’m sincerely curious as I found this site in ignorance 2 years ago, but I definitely had the options down after having lived with my asexual husband for 15 years.

 

The options aren’t plentiful or great, but there are a few to consider in the event you’d like to stay together.  Not one fits all and only the two of you can find the compromise that may work.

@xstatic I do/we do want to stay together that much is clear.  We have two children together, and we genuinely love and care for each other.  There is an emotional/romantic attraction to each other just the physical and sexual desire/attraction is one sided.  My side to be more exact.  We have discussed some solutions, but it seems as though we arrive at a stalemate every time.  Not to be intrusive, but what works for you and yours?  If you compromise what exactly is the compromise?  I know you said that an open relationship has came up as well.  What are your hangups with having an open relationship?

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ryn2

Welcome to AVEN, @dbarnes!

 

Have the two of you tried couples therapy?  That might help you both get past the self-recrimination and feeling guilty over what, for both of you, are perfectly natural and not-broken-at-all things.  It might also help you get at what types of compromise activities would be okay for each of you.

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Traveler40

I’m sorry it’s so tough, and thank you for more detail.  Any advice I could give wouldn’t be very useful as every situation truly is different.  

 

In my case, we opted to open our relationship. To read the journey may be of some use and can be found in this sub-forum among the threads.  If you begin the thread, my only advice is that you read the entire thing.  It’s not a simple thing to open any relationship and lots of factors some into play.  I can report that I have corresponded with others that have taken a similar path, and the journey seems eerily similar.  

 

You both need to be on the same page, but be aware that even that will change.  

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dbarnes
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

Welcome to AVEN, @dbarnes!

 

Have the two of you tried couples therapy?  That might help you both get past the self-recrimination and feeling guilty over what, for both of you, are perfectly natural and not-broken-at-all things.  It might also help you get at what types of compromise activities would be okay for each of you.

@ryn2  This is something I want and am willing to do I just haven't worked up the courage because to be honest I feel as thought there is a stigma associated with couples therapy and really therapy in general.  It's something that I personally need to work through.

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dbarnes

@Traveler40  Thank your for sharing.  This is such a complex issue wrought with so many emotions and pot holes.  It's incredibly difficult and hard to talk about in general.  The anonymity of this forum seems to help me to be able to open up a bit.  I haven't talked about this with anyone besides my partner and honestly I have felt alone for a very long time. Sort of like suffering in silence, but I'm hitting a point where something has to be done.  I just don't know what that something is.  If you don't mind me asking do you deal with guilt and does your partner deal with jealousy?  How do you personally handle these things if so?

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ryn2
7 minutes ago, dbarnes said:

It's something that I personally need to work through.

I’d definitely suggest giving therapy a try on your own first, then.  Couples therapy is easier to navigate if you have done some individual work first and are already familiar with the process.  Also, having your own therapist gives you a safe place to discuss any concerns that come up in your joint work.

 

If you go either route, make sure you find an ace-aware, lgbt+ friendly therapist.  A therapist who doesn’t believe in asexuality or who holds onto older views about “curing” less common orientations or about how “intellectuals” can “rise above their baser needs” will not be much help and might actually worsen the situation.

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dbarnes
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

I’d definitely suggest giving therapy a try on your own first, then.  Couples therapy is easier to navigate if you have done some individual work first and are already familiar with the process.  Also, having your own therapist gives you a safe place to discuss any concerns that come up in your joint work.

 

If you go either route, make sure you find an ace-aware, lgbt+ friendly therapist.  A therapist who doesn’t believe in asexuality or who holds onto older views about “curing” less common orientations or about how “intellectuals” can “rise above their baser needs” will not be much help and might actually worsen the situation.

@ryn2  That's what I'm afraid of.  My wife and I are not conservative at all especially from a social standpoint, but we live in a very conservative part of the United States and that may prove to be a bit difficult.  I've also pondered some of these newer delivery modalities for therapy such as VOIP/skype type of sessions.  Do you have any experience with that?  If so how did it work for you?

 

Thanks

 

 

 

Dan

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
6 minutes ago, dbarnes said:

@xstatic Not to be intrusive, but what works for you and yours?  If you compromise what exactly is the compromise?  I know you said that an open relationship has came up as well.  What are your hangups with having an open relationship?

Well, the compromise we have has grown over time.  Originally he had hard lines of no sexual contact, no touching of genitals, no kissing.  Just hand holding, and cuddling.  That's why I assumed he was averse.  Of course, he's been figuring himself out through all of this as well.  I'm his first relationship, and I'm experienced.  I'm sure that was pretty intimidating.

 

Kissing came over a few weeks and now it's just a normal regular thing that we do.  It doesn't do anything for him.  He has let me know that.  But for being indifferent, he's good at it.  That was the extent of it until a few weeks ago when he told me that he would do oral on me if I wanted it.  But that I would have to ask, and he could say no if he wasn't up to it, and that had to be okay for me.  We've done that a couple of times.  Both times lead to sex.  I didn't ask for it.  I think maybe he just thought that it was something I wanted (I did) so he just went there.  

 

So he has been much more open about my needs lately.  But I don't push for sex at all.  I figure if it happens, awesome.  But I don't hold any expectations for it.  We had sex a couple of times at the very beginning of the relationship and he really didn't like it at all.  Again, I now think that he was really intimidated and self conscious but also he's not interested in it in general.

 

We have scheduled hang out times of every Monday and Thursday nights for an overnight.  Those are great and we hold each other in bed and cuddle/sleep and it's awesome.  The schedule is nice because then he knows what to expect and so do I.

 

I have a couple of hang ups on the open relationship.  Firstly, I really want to formulate my relationship with him.  He needs a lot of time, and I want to give that time to him.  Second, I'm really really busy right now and I don't even want to bother with it.  I don't have to look if I eventually want to have a hookup.  I have a couple that's totally down with doing stuff with me if I ever want to.  Which brings me to the third thing.  My last marriage opened up and became poly.  My ex thought it would be fun, but then when things started happening he became jealous and bitter and oh look, we got divorced.  Now, my boyfriend insists that he won't be jealous and quite frankly, I believe him.  I'm just personally not ready for that sort of thing again at this point in time.

 

 

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ryn2
27 minutes ago, dbarnes said:

@ryn2  That's what I'm afraid of.  My wife and I are not conservative at all especially from a social standpoint, but we live in a very conservative part of the United States and that may prove to be a bit difficult.  I've also pondered some of these newer delivery modalities for therapy such as VOIP/skype type of sessions.  Do you have any experience with that?  If so how did it work for you?

 

Thanks

 

 

 

Dan

I have done voice sessions with a therapist and while I prefer being  there in person it was fine.  I have several friends who do voice or skype sessions exclusively.  It would be much better than nothing, and also better than a biased therapist.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Also, I'm in therapy right now.  I started therapy towards the end of my marriage.  I am fortunate that my therapist has been totally fine with my actions.  Not judgemental at all.  She just wants to make sure that I'm taking care of myself and she gives me questions to think about.  

 

Hopefully you can find a good therapist.  A friend of mine does online therapy and seems to enjoy it.  It's nice to have options.

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Serran

I did online therapy, it seemed OK... of course my issue didn't get resolved, but that wasn't really the fault of online. It was more a I wanted to change something that isn't really changeable. *shrug* You can't really touch a therapist so video calls aren't that much different than in person. 

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dbarnes
10 minutes ago, xstatic said:

Well, the compromise we have has grown over time.  Originally he had hard lines of no sexual contact, no touching of genitals, no kissing.  Just hand holding, and cuddling.  That's why I assumed he was averse.  Of course, he's been figuring himself out through all of this as well.  I'm his first relationship, and I'm experienced.  I'm sure that was pretty intimidating.

 

Kissing came over a few weeks and now it's just a normal regular thing that we do.  It doesn't do anything for him.  He has let me know that.  But for being indifferent, he's good at it.  That was the extent of it until a few weeks ago when he told me that he would do oral on me if I wanted it.  But that I would have to ask, and he could say no if he wasn't up to it, and that had to be okay for me.  We've done that a couple of times.  Both times lead to sex.  I didn't ask for it.  I think maybe he just thought that it was something I wanted (I did) so he just went there.  

 

So he has been much more open about my needs lately.  But I don't push for sex at all.  I figure if it happens, awesome.  But I don't hold any expectations for it.  We had sex a couple of times at the very beginning of the relationship and he really didn't like it at all.  Again, I now think that he was really intimidated and self conscious but also he's not interested in it in general.

 

We have scheduled hang out times of every Monday and Thursday nights for an overnight.  Those are great and we hold each other in bed and cuddle/sleep and it's awesome.  The schedule is nice because then he knows what to expect and so do I.

 

I have a couple of hang ups on the open relationship.  Firstly, I really want to formulate my relationship with him.  He needs a lot of time, and I want to give that time to him.  Second, I'm really really busy right now and I don't even want to bother with it.  I don't have to look if I eventually want to have a hookup.  I have a couple that's totally down with doing stuff with me if I ever want to.  Which brings me to the third thing.  My last marriage opened up and became poly.  My ex thought it would be fun, but then when things started happening he became jealous and bitter and oh look, we got divorced.  Now, my boyfriend insists that he won't be jealous and quite frankly, I believe him.  I'm just personally not ready for that sort of thing again at this point in time.

 

 

@xstatic  When you say he needs a lot of time do you mean time to himself?  Is he very introverted?  My wife is, and she can be perfectly content without speaking or touching each other for hours or sometimes days.  We have gone 4 days with zero physical contact.  It honestly makes me feel needy, but yeah.  I need it.  

 

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Serran
28 minutes ago, dbarnes said:

@xstatic  When you say he needs a lot of time do you mean time to himself?  Is he very introverted?  My wife is, and she can be perfectly content without speaking or touching each other for hours or sometimes days.  We have gone 4 days with zero physical contact.  It honestly makes me feel needy, but yeah.  I need it.  

 

Four days living together with no contact would drive me mad. And I dont mind months no sex. But, I am very into casual physical touch. My wife is introverted, but she doesn't mind if we sit quietly doing our own things (books, games, whatever separate activity) near enough I can be touching her somehow (feet/legs/arm somewhere touching each other, even if just barely). Maybe you could find some sort of contact that fills your need for touch but lets her feel alone enough to recharge ? One of our compromises is if my wife is on the computer overnight (she stays up all night at times), she sits on the bed and I get to sleep near her (but not too close, cant jostle her mouse arm lol), that way I have the intimacy of sleeping with her in bed and she gets the alone time of video games alone all night to recharge from being social. 

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dbarnes
1 minute ago, Serran said:

Four days living together with no contact would drive me mad. And I dont mind months no sex. But, I am very into casual physical touch. My wife is introverted, but she doesn't mind if we sit quietly doing our own things (books, games, whatever separate activity) near enough I can be touching her somehow (feet/legs/arm somewhere touching each other, even if just barely). Maybe you could find some sort of contact that fills your need for touch but lets her feel alone enough to recharge ? One of our compromises is if my wife is on the computer overnight (she stays up all night at times), she sits on the bed and I get to sleep near her (but not too close, cant jostle her mouse arm lol), that way I have the intimacy of sleeping with her in bed and she gets the alone time of video games alone all night to recharge from being social. 

@SerranMaybe we could figure something like that out.  She just sits and reads on the couch a lot at night and in the evenings.  Maybe I could just sit next to her and be her footrest or something.

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Serran
6 minutes ago, dbarnes said:

@SerranMaybe we could figure something like that out.  She just sits and reads on the couch a lot at night and in the evenings.  Maybe I could just sit next to her and be her footrest or something.

Thats something we do. You would be surprised how comforting just reading a book separate but together can be, with a little casual touching, it is both being alone but also sharing intimacy. I am quite needy with touch, I will full body cuddle for 12 hours straight if you let me (I love the feeling, I can get lost in it for hours and hours, just the feel of their body against mine ahhhh I miss it..  stupid Atlantic and stupid visa waiting periods). But, my wife needs her alone time. So, we manage to combine the two enough for us both to be comfortable. 

 

Of course, I am lucky in that my wife loves touch as well sometimes. But, not anywhere near my level. 

 

With a couch you could be her footrest. Or just be sitting close enough to touch arms or legs sitting naturally and both be reading something different, no talking. 

 

Being alone together is a useful skill, especially if your partner is more of a loner type. 

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